Monday, June 29, 2009

The Plot Thickens

Okay, so I think it's apparent by now that I am a total coward. So hopefully this next story doesn't make me look like too big a nerd. Seriously though, I have put a lot of thought into this, weighed the pro's and consequences and really feel this is the best course of action.

Andrea from work is all I think about, and she is like a 9, and she is funny and cool. Holy freak if I could just go out with her with my friends Calvin and Aaron around I know I could be myself and totally impress her.

So I have concocted a plan to get her to go out with me. It requires the help of my boss Susan, who totally loved the idea and is on board with it.

The idea: I plan a group date. A canoeing + picnic deal up at the lake. Calvin, Aaron, and Nick will have their dates and be joining us. I will pretend to get a date. Now Susan will tell Andrea that her Cousin who is our same age is in town and that she really wants to set her up with him. I will then tell Andrea that Susan's cousin has also asked to come on the canoeing date with us. This will give me a chance to talk about something with her and not feel stupid. Then unbeknownst to Andrea, on the day of the date, I will tell Andrea that my date canceled. Susan will later on that day tell Andrea that her cousin can't make it, then she will suggest that Andrea just go with me since both of our dates canceled at the last moment.

I know I know... the amount of work this requires far exceeds me just walking up to her and saying, "Hi, I think you're the bomb. Want to go out this weekend." I promise you though, my insides would freeze and I would probably make a farting sound the first time I tried to utter a word. Also, what if she said no? This way she wouldn't already have plans, she might as well go out with me, it's the same thing as a total stranger.

The implementation: So today I told Andrea and some other people about how I was excited for the big group date. Andrea said it sounded like fun. Then, Susan, at lunch approached Andrea about her cousin. Andrea wanted to see his picture on Facebook... luckily Susan actually had a cousin and he wasn't bad looking. Andrea said yes. The date is planned for next weekend the one after the fourth. I know this is going to work.


Saturday, June 27, 2009

Roomies n stuff

Calvin says it's my turn to post something so here goes. We have a full house now. I think this is going to be a pretty awesome set up. Aaron, another one of my companions from the mish has moved in. He is sharing a room with his best friend Nick. They both go to the gym all the time and stuff and are pretty buff. They like four wheelers and snowmobiles and junk like that but they are both pretty cool. I think we have a pretty good dynamic going in this house... watch out ladies!

This idiot at my work named Ladd, got fired today for swearing at a customer. I wont write what he said exactly, but I am surprised with how funny I thought it was. Is my spirituality really suffering that much?

I am concocting a plan to get Andrea to go out with me... stay tuned for that.

Oh, and Bryson sleep walks. Awesome.


Thursday, June 25, 2009


I don't think I've ever used the word "mantra" in a sentence until right now. I'm pretty sure it means "slogan" or "motto" or something, but whenever I hear those two words I think about the Boy Scouts.

Even though I don't think the 5 of us have officially declared what our House Mantra is, we do hold the Bro's before Ho's thing pretty close to our hearts. It's like that line from Grease when that guy decides to hang with his girlfriend and kicks his three best friends out of his car and makes them walk home. One of them says, "When a guy pick a chick over his buddies, something's seriously wrong." So true.

We've tried to maintain a certain level of respect between us. It's only been a couple weeks since we've all been living together so this hasn't been tested yet, but I think we have a pretty good handle on how things are gonna work. We've all decided to invite every single girl we know over to our house... even if we're not into them. That way, we can "share the wealth". I mean... there's 5 of us. So... bottom line: Just because I don't think a girl is cute doesn't mean none of my room mates will either.

I must say, however, that we may need to find another roommate soon. Bryson is getting pretty serious with his girlfriend. It seems weird that they're moving so fast since they've only been dating for a few weeks. But we DO live in Utah. When the Spirit is guiding you and helping you to make wise decisions regarding relationships, things can move quickly.

I'll be glad when Bryson is gone, too. He ate all of my Double Stuff oreos the other day. Not just a few. The whole fetching bag. He claims he doesn't remember, but Jake says that he's seen Bryson stumble into the kitchen several times in the middle of the night. Apparently, Jake's tried to talk to him, but Bryson just pretends he doesn't hear him. What a faker. He's owes me a bag of Double Stuff.


Sunday, June 21, 2009

First Kiss

Okay, so I have been talking a lot about Andrea at work, but tonight... or I guess last night, I went out on another set up. I can't believe how many people want to set me up. I think it's just the return missionary thing, but it may have something to do with the fact that I am hard up. So this other lady at my work, Stacy, who loves me (they all do) set me up with her friend. Her name is Jenna. We actually met at Stacy's house and played this game called Quirkle. It was fun, and Jenna was easily the hottest girl I have been set up with so far. Though she is, at best, a 6.5.

We chatted for a bit, and then after games I suggested we go get a frosty from Wendy's. Jenna and I rode to Wendy's. We drove through and got Frosties, and then just ended parking in the back of the Wendy's Parking lot talking. We talked for a while, and I was getting some major green lights. It has been a while since I kissed someone so I was pretty freaking nervous.

I passed up three opportunities where it was obvious that she was asking for it... you know, looking rapidly between my eyes and mouth after a pause in the conversation. We had the bucket seats in my car leaned back so we were basically lying down, and I probably would have missed out but she reached out and sort of caressed my cheek. That's when I went for it. I leaned in and kissed her. Before you knew it I was on top of her in the passenger seat. We made out horizontally (well really it was like a 20 degree angle because of the car seats) for about 40 minutes before she said, "Whoa, pretty passionate, it's been a while huh?" I realized that I had been pretty aggressive, which usually isn't my style.

I didn't even like kissing her that much, don't get me wrong, I didn't dislike it... but I swear her taste buds were inflamed, like the size of buttons on a dress shirt. Either way, it was nice to do that. I dropped her off and we made out for a few minutes more up against the car, and then again on the doorstep. I felt pretty awesome. When I said goodbye, she said "Call me." I nodded and said that I would, even though I knew that I wouldn't.

I knew as I walked back to my car that I wasn't into her. Maybe it was what Calvin always talks about when you make out with them there's a 70% chance you'll lose interest. I didn't believe it... but maybe he has something there.


Thursday, June 18, 2009

Aaron and Nick

We got a couple of new room mates. Aaron was in the same mission as Jake and I, but I didn't really know him very well. Nick is Aaron's buddy, so he's new to everyone. So now there's a total of 5 of us and we all went to church together last Sunday. Here's the good news: Aaron is freakin' ballsy. He's somehow able to just walk up to girls and talk to them. That's something I've never been able to do. Just in case you're wondering (and I'm sure you are) I'm going to rate all 5 of us on a scale from 1 to 10. This list is based solely on physical appearance and muscle mass:

Aaron: 8 (but he could easily be a 6 if his ballooning muscles deflate into flab)

Nick: 7.5 (He could be a 9 if he was a little taller)

Me (Calvin): 6.5 (But I'm pretty funny)

Jake: 6.4 (He's a little funnier than me)

Bryson: 4.5 (Goofy lookin')

That's us. Aaron walked up to the hottest two girls in our ward, which, comparably speaking, were just barely above average. He invited them over to play some games on Sunday. One of the girls has bangs and hands that are bigger than a medium-sized loaf of bread. The other girl is about 6' 6", has braces and a butt chin. But they laugh a lot, which should boost my self esteem significantly.

Hopefully Mindy comes so at least I have SOMETHING cute to look at all Sunday night. Oh... and I also hope Bryson's girlfriend comes over so that Mindy will actually talk about stuff that I care about and not about his lame mode of transportation.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Help Me Susan

We did two double dates last weekend and I went out with this girl my Aunt set me up with, and a girl who coaches my little sisters softball team. Neither were cute, one was funny, and I know that's so superficial, but seriously you have to be attracted to someone! You know?

With Calvin having Mindy and me going out with so-so's, I have been focusing most of my energy during the days on getting to know Andrea. She is so adorable. She isn't really dating anyone either. She has the most perfect mouth I have ever seen. If I got to kiss it I think it would be comparable to Joe Smith finding the Golden Plates!

I can't talk to her though. Every conversation we have involves several other people. She laughs at my jokes but then when just the two of us are together, I can't even muster a good conversation. It's pretty frustrating. So, I decided today to confide my crush with my Manager Susan. Susan is 30 and probably one of the heaviest women I have ever known, but she is awesome, and loves me. She is a strong woman from the south and even though she made fun of me a bit, she agreed to help me win over Andrea's affection.

If only I can figure out how... and no Calvin, I don't need to hear how I just need to man up and ask her out. I am telling you and the readers that this chick is so far out of my league I would get shot down like a clay pigeon.


Saturday, June 13, 2009


I've been reading my patriarchal blessing a lot lately to try to figure out if Mindy is my future wife. My blessing says some pretty specific things about what I can expect from my eternal companion and I'm trying to determine if Mindy IS all those things. She has awesome legs and I love it when she wraps them around me when we're making out, but my blessing definitely doesn't say anything about THAT little tidbit, unfortunately.

I actually made my first list ever of Pros and Cons. Mindy does have kind of a big nose, but it doesn't get in the way when we're kissing at all. She's really tan and she has dark hair, which I like. I like her family. But Mindy like cars and trucks a lot and I honestly don't care the tiniest bit about that stuff. Bryson has a new truck that she loves to, like, kiss and fondle. Every time she comes over, she's always asking Bryon questions about his truck and asking to see the engine or something. I might be jealous if I wasn't obviously more attractive and funny than Bryson. I mean, I'm not a great looking guy or anything, but I KNOW I'm more attractive than Bryson. And I always have my sense of humor going for me, too.

So I'm still looking over my list of Pros and Cons. Right now the Pros are quite a bit more convincing. I'm just waiting for the right time to ask Heavenly Father what I should do. If I ask now, then I'll be stuck with only two options: Break Up or Propose. I'm not ready for either one right now.


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Enter the Angel

Bryson is in! He is going to move in next weekend. Thats going to be pretty cool because it will save us a little money on rent. We have spots for a couple more guys. Don't know where they'll come from, if you know anyone not as cute or funny as me, but yet not scary or creepy, then let me or Calvin know.

I started my new job today... it's a lame telemarketing job, and I hate it even after day one. However one thing that made it bearable is this hottie that works in my office. I first saw her today, she was walking towards me and it was as if time slowed to where I was in a slow motion moment. Her hair was bouncing softly on her shoulders and it was as if a chorus of angels sang lightly as she walked passed me. She smiled and I looked at the ground like an idiot.

Her name is Andrea. She is so beautiful. I spent the day trying to figure out if our first encounter was the Spirit trying to tell me something or just me being sappy. I sit pretty far away from her, but I walked to the drinking fountain at least every 15 minutes or so just to see her, and chance getting another smile. It never happened. Blast I have got to meet her, but I am just too cowardly to say anything...

I may have to handle this one all sneaky like.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

Singles Ward

We went to our ward for the first time today. Not good, my friends. Not good. There's a guy in the ward who looks like an ugly(er) version of John Cusack. The funny part is, his name is John and his last name sounds like Cusack a little, but I can't remember what it is. There are a few Sunday School classes and Jake, Bryson and I went into the Dating and Eternal Marriage class. We're all kinda new to the whole singles ward thing, but I swear there should be more attractive girls in there. It's not like there were even KIND OF cute girls. They were all pretty gross.

The lesson today was about how to talk through disagreements with your spouse and how to communicate more effectively, in general. I whispered to Jake that it didn't really matter that much anyway, since we're gonna have dozens of wives in the Celestial Kingdom to fall back on. He started laughing and dared me to say it. I, of course, told him "no" cause we're new in the ward. Then he reminded me that the class was full of uglies and that I shouldn't care about pissing them off. I still said "no", but then he promised to fake cry the next time he bared his testimony in sacrament meeting if I said it. I always think it's funny when he does that, so I raised my hand and told the class that having a plethora of wives in the next life will be healthy for everyone's relationship throughout the eternities. A few of the guys in the class laughed, but most of them seemed pissed that I was funny and glared at me like I was new competition for all those mustached, eyes-too-far-apart, pleasantly plump, sweet spirits. Uh... you can have them, bro. They're all yours.

Bryson says there's a University Ward close by that we, technically, can't go to cause we're not students, but I think we're gonna try it out anyway.

One last thing. I've really been digging on Mindy. I see her a few times a week and she's pretty cool. She's a little more out-doorsy than I'm used to, but she's pretty freakin' hot. It's kinda weird cause Bryson has been seeing his new girlfriend almost everyday and Jake and I make fun of him, but if I could have it my way... I'd see Mindy everyday, as well.

Anyway. This post is long enough.


Saturday, June 6, 2009

First Date

I went out with a girl, Aubry... she was cute. When I say cute, I mean "not ugly". She was nice and we did okay talking but I really feel like I didn't do a very good job being a date which is okay since I wont be that bothered if I never go out with her again.

It was a big group date, probably 20 people there. I didn't know anyone except for Calvin. He seemed to be doing well with Mindy, in fact he isn't home yet I'm sure because he is making the most of his doorstep scene. Mine was a disaster, I ended up trying to shake her hand and then when she looked at me like I was retarded I went in for a hug which felt funny to me, and probably lasted for less then a second... but she smelled good. That was nice. I think a little awkwardness is justified since I haven't had any physical contact with females for such a long time.

Enough about that, in other news, I think Calvin found us another roommate. A guy he grew up with named Dave Bryson, apparently everyone just calls him "Bryson", Cal says he's pretty cool, I haven't spent enough time with him to really tell. He's coming to Church with us this Sunday to check out our new ward.

Oh, Calvins home. Time to find out which base he stopped at.


Friday, June 5, 2009


Back from the mish and loving being home. I just moved in with my buddy Calvin, and he set up this cool blog so we can "document our exploits" mostly in the female arena... I don't know if I'll be any good at it, I barely got to do emails while I was out in Ireland, so this is sorta new.

Got a date tonight... first one since the mission. Well, except that thing with that Sister in my first year, but we can talk about that when we get to know each other better. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty nervous. I figure though that I am going to stink at being a bachelor at first until I get out and do it. I am going to try and not be a big nerd, hopefully Calvin can help with that. He's trying to convince me that chicks make-out with return missionaries on the first date no matter what just to break them in. I think he's full of it... but wouldn't mind.

Anyway my sis is setting me up, says she's hot... but my Dad said he approved and that she would make a good wife - unfortunately for her that doesn't give me high hopes.


Thursday, June 4, 2009


We just finished moving Jake in to the bedroom. I'm having flashbacks of my own mission. He's sleeping, like, 10 feet away from me right now. He, of course, is snoring... just like he did in Ireland. It's like Jake's body knows exactly what position is the most comfortable. He's got one hand behind his head and the other hand halfway down his pants... kinda like the dad on Married With Children only without the lame screaming studio audience. I think this is gonna be a sweet setup once we get our new roommates in here, so long as they're cool.

Actually, they don't even need to be cool. In fact, it would be nice if they were less cool than me and Jake so we didn't have the "competition" factor to worry about. Ideally, they should be just cool enough to not scare away hotties, but dorky enough to not steal any of the chicks away from me (or Jake... but mostly me).

I guess Jake's sister is setting him up for our group date this weekend. I'm going out with Mindy who is Jake's cousin's coworker... like anyone cares about that. I like Mindy, I think. She's pretty cool. She has kind of a big nose, but that's really the only physical flaw that I've noticed so far. I say "so far" cause there's plenty of her physical form that I have yet to see.

I'll see if I can get Jake to post something before our date. Worst case scenario, I'll get something up this weekend... maybe after our date.


Monday, June 1, 2009

So it begins...

I don't know how much confessing is really going to be taking place on here. To be honest, I'm not even sure how long this blog is going to last. I mean, seriously... how many blogs are out there written by a bunch of single mormon dudes? Not very many if I had to venture a guess.

Plus, I'm pretty sure this is going to be more of a journal of real experiences. My experiences, and Jakes experiences, as well... assuming I can convince him to take part in this little adventure.

I'm typing this from my laptop in this house that I've just moved in to. Jake's only been home from his mission for 2 weeks, but I'm pretty sure he should be moved in by Wednesday. We have a group date scheduled for this weekend and I'm hoping to find 3 other guys to move in with us so we're not stuck with total strangers our landlord chooses for us.

Hopefully, Jake and I can get at least one extremely attractive, outgoing guy to be a roommate so he can supply us with group after smoking hot group of attractive females. I think that's a pretty good plan. You may think it's shallow of me to want a good looking guy roommate for the sole purpose of getting betty's in my immediate vicinity, but if I can't be honest here... where CAN I be honest?