Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Miserables

There are two girls who've been coming to our house ever since we moved in 4 months ago, Holly and Melanie. I think they followed us from our first singles ward, before we found this cool new singles ward with higher quality girls. Holly and Melanie are totally awesome girls, but they're not cute at all. Like, not in the least. I wouldn't go so far as to say they're "ugly", but neither one of them are my type and it doesn't appear anyone else in our house digs on them either, but it doesn't really matter because they LOVE us and they come over to our house all the time, which boosts our self esteem. They also raise the guy/girl ratio in our house whenever they come over so, really, everyone wins.

Tonight, a different house of guys in our ward was hosting FHE. Everyone in the ward was invited, but Jake and I aren't down with lame competition so we decided not to go. Nick, Lance and Aaron went over to their FHE so Jake and I were just sitting at home watching Deadliest Catch when we heard someone come in the house. It was Holly and Melanie and an extremely attractive girl who I'd never seen. Holly introduced the hottie as her sister, Sharee. I glanced over at Jake and he was staring at her like she was the only one in the room. Apparently, these three girls had gone to FHE, noticed we weren't there and decided to come over and invite us over to their condo to go hot tubbing.

Jake and I immediately changed into our swimming suits and then hopped in their car with them. We were both secretly hoping to sit next to Sharee, but she ended up riding in the front with her sister and the ogre Melanie was sitting between us in the back seat. The whole ride to their condo, Jake and I were both trying to talk to Sharee, but she wasn't having it. She was acting really stuck-up... like she was better than us. Jake and I both knew she was out of our league, but she wasn't even giving either of us a chance. We were getting one word answers to all of our questions. Every time we'd make a joke (and they were freakin' funny jokes), Holly and Melanie would be laughing their asses off, but Sharee would act like she wasn't even listening. It was so frustrating.

When we got to their condo, Jake and I followed the girls inside. Holly and Melanie said they were going to get changed. Sharee walked up a ladder into a loft type of room that overlooked the main floor living room. Jake said, "Are you coming with us, Sharee?" I was also secretly hoping to see her in a swimming suit. Sharee called down, "Naw. I'm tired. I'm just going to go to bed."

Jake and I exchanged a disappointed look and I sat down in the sofa chair. Jake walked over to the stereo that was on the dining room table. I heard Jake say, "Whoa. You have Les Mis?" I heard him put in a CD and then start skipping through the playlist.

(Side Note: When Jake and I were in Ireland, our mission presidents wife was in charge of approving the music we were allowed to listen to. During one of my visits to their home, I noticed the Les Miserables soundtrack in their collection. Even though she never specifically approved the soundtrack for the missionaries, I made the mental leap that if it was ok for THEM to listen to while serving the Lord, it was also ok for ME to listen to. So the whole time I was serving with Jake, we listened to Les Miserable almost daily.)

Jake chose to stop on the song he knew I'd appreciate most: One Day More.

The song started playing and Jake and I instantly went back into mission mode and began singing along. Not just subtly and reverently mouthing the lyrics. I mean, full blown belting out the song at the top of our lungs... singing parts, even. We'd alternate so we were never singing the same lyrics.

J - "These men who seem to know my crime will surely come a second time, one day more."
C - "I did not live until today. How can I live when we are parted?"
J - "One day more...."
J and C - "Tomorrow you'll be worlds away, and yet with you, my world has starrrrrted"

At this point, I see Sharee's head peek around from the loft and she looks down at me and Jake... staring at each other to make sure we were hitting the right notes while singing the awesomest Les Mis song ever. I faintly hear her ask, "You guys... know this song?" but I wasn't paying attention to her anymore cause I was really into the song. Jake and I were in our groove.

Then the song picked up:

C - "One more day before the storm."
J - "Do I follow where she goes?"
C - "At the barricades of freedom."
J - "Shall I join my brothers there?"
C - "When the ranks begin to faaaaaaall."
J - "Shall I stay and do I daaaaaare?"
C - "Will you take your place with meeeeeeeeeee?"

I'm not going to type out the lyrics to the whole song, but our performance was complete with closed eyes in all the appropriate parts, clenched fists, and facial expressions full of anguish (if the lyrics warranted it). Looking back, I kind of wish I'd have taken the time to look at Sharee. I would have loved to have seen the look on her face. I'm pretty sure she fell in love with us during that three minute song.

When the song finally ended, Jake and I sat down and tried to catch our breath (it had been a while since we'd done the routine). I heard Sharee say, "I'm gonna change into my suit."

It's great when our homosexual behaviors end up scoring chicks.


Saturday, September 26, 2009

Her Testimony

Andrea and I spent most of the afternoon together. She is giving a talk in church tomorrow and wanted me to help her with it. We were at my place mostly sitting on the living room floor just bouncing ideas off of each other.

I get really bored in church, and will often complain about the speakers and talks and lessons being given. The first time I did this Andrea quoted Brigham Young who said something to the effect, "If you ever propose to criticize someones talk or lesson you should go up and take their spot." To which I responded that is something I would gladly do, and that I would definitely not be boring.

Andrea has decided to put this to the test by getting my input. Her talk was about obedience. She had a barrage of scriptures and quotes from General Authorities all ready to go. I looked over her outline, and lovingly rolled my eyes and told her that this would easily put everyone to sleep. I told her that she needed to tell stories and apply them to the topic. Explaining that when a personal story was shared that people could often relate and were not only more prone to listen, but by listening would be more likely to feel the Spirit.

We talked about some times in her life that she was obedient. We stumbled across a great story about how she and her dad were trying to train their dog not to eat off the table when they weren't in the room. It was a funny story, and it went right along with obedience perfectly. I told her that she should tell that story. She started writing frantically, and I left the room to make us some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When I returned she was still scribbling away at this page.

I asked, "What are you writing now, I thought we were done." She replied, "I'm writing out the story." I sighed, "No, you definitely don't want to read the story, you just need to tell it. It's far more interesting told then read." She said, "but I don't want to forget anything." I said, "Tell it a few times then, to your dad, and your sister, but you gotta tell it not read it, trust me on this." She stared at me. I could tell she wasn't convinced so I continued, "I mean look at bearing your testimony, nobody writes out their testimony, they just say it, it's more genuine, it is easier to listen to." Half way through that sentence Andrea got a pretty embarrassed look on her face. I stuttered, "Uh, did you, uh, did you write out your testimony?" She pulled a page out from under the page she had been writing on and held it up. I smiled and started to laugh a little bit. Her head dropped and she said, "You're not very helpful, you're just making me frustrated. I'm not good at this. I get so nervous if I don't have it written out. I am afraid I'll freeze."

I realized that she had already put a lot of work into this and I was just mockingly tearing it to shreds. I tried to console her, but the damage had been done. I was telling her how instead of writing out the story maybe she could write major points to work towards as she told the story like a connect the dots. She listened while frustratingly crumpling up her written story and her testimony and throwing them across the room. She sat there for a sec looking at the ground, then she smiled sort of deviously and said, "Fine Jake I am going to try it your way." She stood up and grabbed me and kissed me and said, "Thank you for helping, Can I tell you the story a couple times?" I agreed, and she told me the dog training story.

After fine tuning things a bit and suggesting some parts where she could be funny and stuff she said, "Okay, I need to practice telling my testimony, can I tell you that a couple of times?" I said yes. I sat on the couch in our front room, and Andrea proceeded to bare her testimony to me. It was simple and direct. She laid out very clearly how she felt and why she felt that way. She was minutes into it, and I actually felt a very peaceful spirit. I watched as she lit up with the glow of something greater then herself. I got uncomfortable... I don't know why exactly, but I kept thinking, "This girls testimony blows mine out of the water." I started to think about my date with Harper, how I was so willing to kiss her even though I had decided I liked Andrea better. I started to think about how selfish I was.

Andrea continued and started tearing up as she expressed her love for Jesus Christ. I was listening but my mind was elsewhere. I was feeling guilty. I didn't even know exactly what I was feeling guilty about. The thought popped into my mind. This girl deserves someone better than me. I thought, sure being with her would no doubt make me a better person. I know that's good, but what about her, I wouldn't be making her a better person. She needs someone better than me, I will only drag her down.

After finishing her testimony, she wiped a tear away that made it down the left side of her face and skipped to the couch and plopped herself next to me. She smiled her big perfect smile and said, "Well." I smiled back, "That was beautiful, you bare one of the best testimonies I've ever heard. You don't need anymore practice." Her face lit up and she threw her arms around me. We held each other for a while and I couldn't get the thought, "She deserves a better man than me" out of my head.


Thursday, September 24, 2009

WoW... a Loophole!

Last night (actually early this morning) all of the roommates were sitting in the front room talking about girls... you know... Brittany, Andrea, Harper, Emily, Joey, Becky and Nicole. Out of nowhere, Lance says, "Well, I better go to bed. I have to get drunk tomorrow."

Turns out Lance's cousin is in the police academy and tomorrow is the Field Sobriety Test day or something. Apparently the instructor asked the recruits to round up 6 or 7 guinea pigs to come in at 9 am, get drunk on free, government supplied alcohol (probably confiscated from minors), and then let the whole Academy class practice all of the field sobriety tests on them.

We asked Lance if he was serious and he said he was completely serious. He said, "I don't even think I'll feel guilty. I mean, it's for the greater good, right? I'm going to help train police officers so they can catch bad guys who are breaking the law. I think Heavenly Father might even be proud of me for doing this for His children." We all kind of laughed nervously and then Lance left to go to bed... but we kept talking about it for a while after he left. Is that actually a Word of Wisdom loophole?

Nick started to agree with Lance, but then I said, "There are plenty of people who don't consider 'drinking alcohol' to be a sin. Shouldn't they be the ones doing this whole training thing?" Then Jake said, "So instead of having an LDS person drinking, they should be trying to get other people to do it? Either way, they're encouraging other people to sin." Nick's argument was probably the best, though. He said, "The whole reason alcohol is against the Word of Wisdom is because it lowers our inhibitions and it makes us more likely to commit OTHER sins that we wouldn't have committed otherwise. Alcohol, by itself, isn't a big deal. It's the poor choices that often are made while under the influence that really get people into trouble."

Then someone else said that they'd heard you don't even have to confess Word of Wisdom stuff to your bishop. I'd never realized that... mostly because I've never had any issues with the Word of Wisdom. I'm not even sure if that's true. But if it IS true, does that mean that people who smoke and drink don't have to tell the bishop as part of the repentance process? That doesn't sound right. Especially because 'harmful drugs' are also included in there and it seems like shooting heroin into your veins is something you should probably talk to your bishop about... but maybe I'm wrong.

I know they ask you specifically in the Temple Recommend interview so I know it matters that much, at least.

It seems like in my last Temple Recommend interview, the bishop asked, "Do you try to obey the Word of Wisdom?" If I went with Lance this morning, drank a shot and a half of whiskey, got totally plastered, and then went in for my interview this Sunday, I could honestly answer 'yes' to that question. "Yes. I do try to obey the Word of Wisdom."

I might even be able to rationalize my way out of feeling guilty by convincing myself that the reason I got drunk was so that no other innocent soul had to.


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Harper Experience

I went out with Harper last night. I did not, nor do I plan to, tell Andrea about it. I know, I know, most of the readers of this blog think it a very na├»ve decision. I don’t even have an extremely good or well thought out explanation or justification for my actions.

Sure I could say that we haven’t officially titled our relationship as exclusive. I could also point out that Andrea too, is, or has, gone out with another guy and it's only fair. I could, again, mention how the experience could strengthen what we already have. However, I could give some pretty solid counter arguments for t each of those reasons too. Truth is I had a chance to go out with Harper, and without bothering to weigh the consequences or to entertain every possible scenario, just decided to take that chance.

At work Harper mentioned how badly she wanted to see (500) Days of Summer. Andrea had a softball game that night and so I simply suggested to Harper that we go see the movie that night. Harper said, “You mean like a date?” I replied, “Not “Like” a date.” I waited for her to ask about Andrea, but she just smiled and accepted.

When I picked her up she looked pretty frickin sexy. I imagined her for a second getting ready for our date and making sure that her surgically perfect breasts were displayed in the most flattering way as to get my attention. I imagined her doing this because her surgically perfect breasts were definitely grabbing my attention… I’m not even a “boobs guy" (that said just because they’re not the highest bullet point, they are still on the list, and Harper had that item covered.)

We got dinner first. Conversation was flowing. She was acting like I was the funniest guy on the planet. I know she is a flirt, and I know that she was probably purposely over doing it a little, but I didn’t care, it felt good. She had mastered the laugh-and-gently-touch-my-arm/leg/shoulder-smile-and-then-make-prolonged-eye-contact move which, I was happy to see her repeat over and over.

Whenever I go to a movie with a girl, there is always the issue of the arm rest. I have always just decided to let the girl be in charge of it. I usually will act aloof, like I don’t even know that the armrests adjust and see what she does. We sat down and Harper immediately looked at the armrest and tried to adjust it. It didn’t move. She looked puzzled. On the edge of her seat she looked at the row in front of us and then the row behind. She said with a grin, “Oh, this wont do.” Then she climbed over the back of her seat, sat in the row behind, and adjusted the armrest. She coyly patted the empty seat next to her.

We snuggled pretty hard throughout the movie. It helped that it was a great movie to. It sort of ended on a "not-love" note, which I figure for a chick flick is a bad thing. We sat in the theater through the credits. I tried to get up a couple of times but she resisted with her head on my chest she said, “No (with a little whimper) wait a little longer.”

It was a little weird, but other then that the date was terrific. I constantly compared Harper to Andrea. Andrea was far more genuine, and far more interested in me. They were both fun and easy to talk to. Again, Andrea had a much more attractive face, but Harpers boobs were hard to ignore. I thought as we left the theater, I like Andrea a lot more then I could ever like Harper… (which is going to make me look like a bastard when you read the next part).

During the drive home Harper had her hand on my leg. She was sitting so that the profile of her chest bumps were almost picturesque. I was pretty turned on, and decided (again ignoring consequences) that I was going to try and kiss her, even though, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t go out with her again.

I walked her up to her doorstep and we hugged. I tried to pull out, but she again resisted. We hugged for a really long time. She whispered during the hug, “Please don’t kiss me.” I heard her clearly, but said, “What?” She whispered again, “Please, don’t kiss me.” (still in the hug) I kind of chuckled and said, “If I do am I going to get slapped? Because if that’s all that is at risk—“ She interrupted me, “No.”

She pulled out of the hug, her arms around my shoulders and she looked at me. The porch light wasn’t on, and it was dark, so I couldn’t be sure, but it almost looked like she was crying. She was being very serious, “Just trust me and don’t kiss me please.” I was confused. She was basically saying, "I can tell you want to kiss me, and if you do I'll kiss you back, but please just don’t do it."

My mind began to race and in less then three seconds I had the following thoughts. (a) Her dad is behind the door and if I kiss her he will come outside and beat me to death. (b) She was in league with Andrea this whole time to see what I would do, and now was feeling guilty and really wanted to tell Andrea that I didn’t kiss her. (c) She had some other man in her life to which she was cheating on at this very moment. (d) I had extremely bad breathe. (e) One of her boobies had popped or something and she needed to go. (f) Did she have a cold sore, or worse? (g) She is acting super weird right now… extremely unstable, perhaps bi-polar, and is probably carrying more baggage then I care to deal with.

My previously described arousal was gone, and I just wanted to be done. So I hugged her once more, quickly, looked at her and said, “Okay.” Then I left. She stood on the porch and watched me walk to the car. She stayed there staring until I drove away.

I’m not sure what happened. I don't want to go out with Harper again for sure though and will probably just joke about the silly 'don't kiss me convo' on her front porch. This little experiment made me want to see Andrea so I sent her a text that said, “P.S. you’re awesome.”


Monday, September 21, 2009

Ripley's Believe it or Not

I know I'm 21 years old. I know I'm an adult. I know I'm a jerk. I know I should make more of an effort when I break up with someone. I knew all of those things before reading all of your comments. I even felt a tiny bit guilty before reading all of your comments. But I decided on Wednesday that I should probably call Brittany and end things officially instead of just avoiding all of her calls like I'd been doing.

Girls claim to appreciate it when a guy is honest. I contemplated being honest with Brittany and telling her that I didn't have any real reasons for breaking up with her. I thought about telling her about the switch in my head that turns itself off when I'm done with a girl. I thought about telling her I was intimidated by her two children and wasn't excited about a future of My Two Dad's type of baggage. I thought about telling her that 34 of my 42 commentors called me a pussy and ordered me to answer my phone and break up with her "like a man".

Turns out I didn't have to do any of those things. She called me from a number I didn't recognize on Thursday morning, essentially tricking me into a "break-up" conversation. I think Brittany was afraid when I answered since I hadn't answered for four whole days. She stuttered through her prepared speech like she was nervous I'd hang up on her or something. (I'm not that scared of confrontation. Give me some credit.)

She told me that she knew exactly why I'd been avoiding her calls. She asked me if I'd come to her work and talk to her in person, just so we could "end things face to face". We even laughed a few times during the phone call, like we were friends meeting for lunch instead of a dick-face guy and his promiscuous soon-to-be ex-girlfriend.

When I got to her work, I called her and she took her 15 minute break. We sat under a tree for a little while and talked for a bit about our relationship. Brittany apologized for being so forward and told me that she totally understood why I chose to move on. She told me she had been selfish and explained how we probably weren't a very good match. At the time, I could not believe how cool Brittany was about the whole thing. We hugged and she told me she had to go back inside because her break was almost over. I drove back to work feeling pretty good about myself... like I'd finally become a actual man. A man who considered other people's feelings and tried to do the right thing.

I felt pretty good until Saturday night. We had a bunch of people over to our house, as usual. There were probably 25 or 30 people in our house and few more outside in the driveway and on the front lawn. This guy in our ward came inside at about 10:30 and told me that Brittany was outside and wanted me to come outside and talk to her. I immediately got kind of nervous. I asked him if she was alone or if she had a bunch of guys with her. He said that she was with another girl.

I asked Jake if he'd come with me and we went outside. She had parked on the side of our house. It's dark over there and nobody ever hangs out on that side of the house cause they don't want to step in any rotten peaches on the ground.

I walked toward Brittany and her roommate. They were standing by their car and they were dressed like they were headed to a bar or dance club or something. (NOTE: I'm about ready to tell you a true story. Jake told me that I might want to leave a certain part out since it's so unbelievable. Jake was afraid that telling this part might make people doubt the truthfulness of this blog. However, I thought it was so awesome that I have to tell it... even if you choose not to believe me.) Out of nowhere, Brittany gets right in my face and is talking pretty loudly... not quite yelling. She says stuff like, "You don't deserve me" and "I'm the prize" and "Who do you think you are?" She was pretty pissed and I also think she was kind of drunk.

Then (and here's the unbelievable part) she says, "I can get whoever I want, whenever I want. You have no idea how stupid you are for breaking up with me!" then she grabs her roommate, who had been standing there silently, and gave her an extremely wet, tonguey kiss. It was a short kiss, but freaking awesome. Then they both got in the car and drove off.

Jake and I just stood there for two full minutes laughing about how awesome it was that we'd just seen two girls kiss in real life. It totally sucked that nobody else was there to see it. It's an experience that only Jake and I had. I'll keep it in my heart forever.


Friday, September 18, 2009

Will Saline Quell the Fire?

Andrea and I have worked together the whole time we've known each other. It's never really been a problem because we work in different departments. She is on the sales floor and I work in validation. So I see her often, because I have to walk out to the sales floor frequently, but we're not together the entire time.

About a month ago a new girl started working in my department named Harper. Harper is attractive. She has short blond hair that is naturally curly. Her face isn't nearly as cute as Andreas, and her voice is extremely high pitched. I'm always reminded of listening to the radio show "love lines" on KBER, and hearing Doctor Drew as soon as he heard a high pitched voice like Harpers he would assume that the girl had been sexually abused at an early age and that the trauma cause her voice to stop developing or something like that. I don't know much but it's almost silly the first time you hear her talk.

She is built like Andrea, tall, slender, but she sports a boob job which... The verdict is still out for me on those as to whether or not I like them. I mean I haven't actually "experienced" fake boobs. Right now I sort of feel like they are equivalent to the DB who has to buy the nicest car or a $300 pair of sunglasses to compensate for where he's lacking. Seems like a pretty big sign of insecurity. One thing is for certain, I have a hard time ignore boobs like that on such a skinny girl. They definitely help the clothes hang better. Hopefully the saline and silicone carriers of the world can give me more time to formulate an actual opinion before they hunt me down and suffocate me with... well... that'd be too easy. But you get where I am going.

Harper and I have become pretty good friends. We flirt a lot. Recently we've started leaving little notes at each others desks. Mostly funny stuff like "you've never seen me do the air drums, if you did you'd be pretty impressed at my skills and probably jump my bones." or my favorite of hers was, "if I'm a midnight toker and you're a joker, whose got the peaches and whose got the tree and what the hell will shaking them do?"

I have never really felt like this relationship we've developed is inappropriate. I mean I'm not running to tell Andrea about how Harper put her hand on my shoulder and then ran it gently down my back giving me goosebumps when she told me that she thought my shoes didn't match. Plus Andrea and I aren't "exclusive" by title. Andreas mom set her up with fireman (I told Andrea not to tell me when they go out, I don't know if they have or not yet) so I started thinking maybe I should go out with Harper just to keep things fair.

Today, Harper asked me about me and Andrea. I sort of downplayed our relationship. Harper asked me why I've never asked her (Harper) out, to which I replied that I already thought dating one girl I worked with was complicated. Adding a second love interest in the same environment could be ugly. She laughed that I'd actually called her a love interest and said that she thought I should "live a little". Then she put her hand on my leg and told me to be a man and that I "wouldn't regret it".

She walked away and looked back at me over her shoulder. I thought about it and figured that, at the very least, Andrea going out with fireman and me going out with Harper would only strengthen Andrea and I's relationship. If it didn't, then we probably aren't meant to be. I think I'm going to ask Harper out today for the weekend. The question is, do I disclose this info to Andrea?


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Light Switch

I like to think I'm an average guy. Average 21 year old. Average Mormon. Average returned missionary. Average looking, even. So it's comforting to think that I'm probably pretty average when it comes to my relationships. I don't date girls for longer than three months. It's not something I do purposely. I don't keep a calendar under my bed where I check off days during a relationship. I don't make a 90 day paper chain after a first date and rip off one paper ring every day and then break up with her on Day 90. I just mean, typically, three months is all a girl gets out of me. Usually less, but my more serious relationships last 90 days.

The oddest part about my "90-day-maximum" thing, is that my feelings don't slowly fade out like a lot of people. In MY relationships, it's like a light switch. There have been times where I've been really into a girl at 8pm when our date starts, and then at 9:30 pm, the switch goes off and I'm done. I'm literally done. I'm SO done, in fact, that I can't even finish the date with a smile on my face. I'll force myself to suffer through the next 3 hours and then I'll start my breakup process of avoiding telephone calls and such.

I haven't done the math or anything, cause I'm pretty lazy and I hate math, but there's no way I'm even close to 90 days with Brittany. I'm at MAYBE six weeks... tops. Brittany invited me to her brother's birthday party on Saturday. Except, about halfway to his house, Brittany told me that it wasn't actually his birthday, he was just celebrating his "half birthday". I asked why, but she didn't have a decent answer. Pretty much all of his reasons equate to "I'm stupid and I need to create fictitious reasons in order to feel comfortable inviting all of my friends over to my house." It was an unbelievably boring party. It was 30 of his friends... 25 of which Brittany also knew, and then me. All of the guests were only about 5 to 7 years older than me, but I felt young and stupid anyway. Nobody went out of their way to include me and I didn't care enough to make any sort of effort, either.

After the party was over, we went over to Brittany's house to watch a movie. Her roommate was there and invited over her guy friend (I don't even know his name). I guess he's a computer guy or something and he had a pirated copy of The Proposal. I missed the first 30 minutes of the movie because Brittany kept whispering stuff in my ear. Like flirty stuff. I was getting pretty irritated and I tuned out most of what she was saying until I heard her whisper something about her co-workers making fun of her. I peeled my attention away from the movie and asked her to repeat what she'd said. She said, "All of my co-workers make fun of me." I asked why and she said, "Cause I'm the only girl in my office whose boyfriend refuses to have sex." Oh geez. Whatever, Brittany. "Are you trying to make me feel guilty for not having sex with you?" "No," she replies, "I just feel like there's something wrong with me."

As close as I can pinpoint, that's when the light switch went off in my brain. It was like a combination of her crappy brother, his crappier party, her interrupting my movie, and then trying to make me feel guilty for not putting out. I rolled my eyes and decided to tough out the rest of the movie, go home, go to bed and try to put Brittany out of my mind forever.

Then something funny happened in the movie and Brittany poked my belly button, like, "Ha ha. That was funny wasn't it?" I told her not to poke my belly button. (It's one of my pet peeves. It doesn't tickle at all. It just kind of hurts.) Well, apparently Brittany didn't hear me cause about 10 minutes later, she did it again. I swatted away the offending digit and told her to "knock it off". She apologized and seemed surprised. I whispered, "I told you not to do it and then you did it again." She said, "I didn't hear you." Which is very possible, I guess.

She asked me what was wrong about 10 times between then and when I finally got out of there a couple hours later. She called me a ton on Sunday which I didn't answer. She only tried twice yesterday morning, but that's it. It seems like she's getting the hint quicker than most girls.

I know it shouldn't be funny, but it kind of is: Brittany probably thinks I broke up with her because she poked my belly button... twice.


Saturday, September 12, 2009

See No Evil

Andrea has been wanting to set set Aaron up with one of her friends, Jen. Jen lives in Orem... blah I freaking hate going down to Utah County. I really don't spend much time down there, and it's nothing against the people specifically, but the instant I get past the Point of the Mountain it is as though defensive driving has never been taught to anyone. Four lanes on the freeway, and everyone MUST drive the exact same speed. It's honestly like entering the Twilight Zone. As though some power or force or magical curse makes every human being who sits in a car, stupid... except for me. Yes, that has nothing to do with anything except... What the hell Utah County? But, I digress...

So Jen and Andrea decide to make us dinner at Jen's apartment. Jen, is cute, I wouldn't call her hot, but then she's not really my type. She is short, has strawberry blond hair and is pretty curvy. I would use words like stout, big-boned, and voluptuous to describe her (well, not to her face). She's not at all fat, don't get me wrong she was very cute. In fact too bad Calvin was off with Brittany, because this Jen girl is exactly his type. I tend go for taller, skinnier, girls. One's where I might occasionally notice a rib cage and are likely to never be described as "chesty". Andrea for example is my type... tall and thin. Again, I digress...

Okay so Aaron and Jen are hitting it off really well... like, I swear if Andrea and I weren't there they would have replaced the Book of Mormon between them with an Articles of Faith Bookmarker. Aaron doesn't really have a type, he's just horny, and from the looks of things so is Jen.

We decided to watch a movie. Calvin's older brother recommended "Say Anything". He said it was the greatest romantic comedy ever made. It was pretty good, and it was kind of cool to see the dad from Martian Child look like he was my age. Aaron and Jen are sharing a Lazyboy and Andrea and I snuggled on the love seat.

"Say Anything" is rated PG-13. Somewhere in the middle of the movie there is a scene where the two main characters have just had sex in the back seat of the car. We don't see them actually having sex, they are just lying there, all sweaty with fogged up windows. You know they're naked but don't see anything but some shoulder and chin. (I'm trying to paint how un-offensive this scene was. Very PG 13... Maybe even PG.) I looked at Andrea during this scene. She wasn't watching. She had purposely taken her attention away from the scene simply because it wasn't wholesome. Like she didn't want those images in her head. It was a quiet and subtle action. An action she didn't intend for me or anyone else to notice.

Here I was, again, with the guilt. Who was this girl? What was I doing with her? How was it that I was with someone who wanted nothing to do with the image of an afterthought of an un-chaste act? Also, she didn't impose those feelings on any of us. She just decided that it wasn't for her. I was losing focus on the movie until Jen abruptly got up off the chair. She stood and looked at Aaron, then went to the bathroom. She was gone for a while. I was certain she was taking a poo or something, and was happy to be distracted from Andrea's perfection.

Jen returned and did not sit next to Aaron. She sat on the floor sort of by him. He didn't move. He was frozen on the chair. The movie ended and we left. Aaron and Jen did not really hug or anything they just said goodbye. It was weird. We drove home, and Aaron said he wasn't really "into" her.

After dropping Andrea at home she sent me a text saying that Jen thought Aaron had violated her. That he had "grabbed her." I was sitting in the room with them and it didn't seem too crazy to me... I made fun of Aaron and he of course denied it and said she was a crazy B. I'm sure if Aaron did "grab" something he felt it was solicited, I mean she was all over him. Ha ha ha, those two are sitting there, fondling each other. While I am being humbled by Andrea's example. Figures.


Thursday, September 10, 2009

Gossip Guys

When I started this blog several months ago, I knew we would get some mixed reactions. Initially, I wanted this blog to be an honest look into the minds and the attitudes of Mormon guys in their early 20's, who are trying to figure out who they are and what they want. I didn't know (and still don't know) how the blog was going to evolve. What will this blog be like a month from now? A year from now? I have no idea.

A couple of things surprised me. As I look at our 82 Followers, I can't help but notice that 67 of them are women. Five of them are guys... and the other 10 could go either way. If Jake and I didn't insist on remaining anonymous, this blog would be a great way to meet chicks.

I don't know why our female following surprised me. In retrospect, it makes sense that our blog would be more appealing to women, right? I mean, women want to know what guys are thinking and this blog helps them to figure that out. I'm glad. I'm also thrilled that we have a few male followers who can support us (through their comments) when we need it, but can also provide advice with a "been there, done that" attitude. It's been very insightful, to say the least.

The other thing that has surprised me is how seemingly jealous and protective certain guys get about the things we're revealing. I can almost hear them screaming, "NO CALVIN! DON'T LET THEM SEE THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!" One of those guys has dedicated an entire paragraph on his own blog to mocking us. I'm pretty sure his name is Josh and his belittling comments can be found by clicking these four words.

Josh has taken it upon himself to define what a "man" is. Although I agree with most of his definition, I (of course) have a problem with the "stoic" part. Sure, Josh, men are supposed to appear stronger and emotionless. But what type of woman does that kind of "man" attract? Probably a stripper. No offense if your wife was a stripper. "Hey everyone! Look at me! I'm a real man because I can watch the Michael Keaton movie, My Life without crying. Also, when I smash my thumb with a hammer, I swear instead of cry cause I have a penis and that's what real men do!"

And real men aren't supposed to gossip? C'mon, Josh. Seriously? Do you kiss and tell? I thought so. So do we. The difference is, nobody knows who we're kissing and telling about. When YOU were single and "kissed" and "told", all your guy friends took the same girl out hoping to score with her cause you told them she was easy. I think we're actually more manly than you used to be, Josh. We're trying harder to protect the women we interact with. Sure, we gossip. We tell stories. We brag, at times. But it ends with us. We don't pass the girls off to our friends, like you used to do.

And as for stealing the "slobbering diary of a gay teen still in the closet", Aaron took personal offense at that statement. He's in his room right now crying into his pillow.


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Fast and The Fireman

Below you'll find three actual conversations with Andrea: (it seems a little long but reads really fast)

Friday night-Driving home after going to the World Cup Qualifier at Rio Tinto (AWESOME!),

JAKE: Yeah. It sucks a little that I have to get up and drive out again tomorrow morning.
ANDREA: I know. ... You kind of wish I would have just stayed over like your roommates do.
JAKE: Honestly, the thought of you falling asleep in my arms is pretty, uh, hard to find issue with.
ANDREA: I wouldn't be comfortable. Would you?
JAKE: You know... I don't know.
ANDREA: ... (she is really good at pausing to let me think and then continue)
JAKE: I've only been home for three months- a little more. I remember when I got home I was driving down the freeway listening to my old "Bowling For Soup" CD. I hadn't listened to that album for 2 whole years. I was loving it! There is some swearing on the album though. Not a lot, but some. I was a little shocked at how it made me feel. I didn't feel guilty or anything, just could tell it hurt my freshly home RM sensitivities you know?
ANDREA: Uh huh.
JAKE: Three months ago I was skipping the songs that swore too much. I even remember thinking "I'll have to remove these from my itunes." But now...
ANDREA: Now it doesn't phase you?
JAKE: Yeah, and I know its a small thing. ... There are a lot of things like that though.
ANDREA: (With a telling grin) Like the sleepover thing.
JAKE: Exactly! ... Like the sleepover thing. Calvin and Aaron have been home only a few months longer then me. They don't have a problem at all with sleepovers. I believe them too, when they tell me that nothing is happening.
ANDREA: So, what do you think it means that these things used to phase you and now they don't?
(I swear Andrea should be a shrink the way she asks questions all the time. I always forget she is only 19 with the way she talks)
JAKE: (I smile and look at her) Well, I know, obviously, that I am being desensitized...
JAKE: ...but, but that's bound to happen when someone loses the mantel of "missionary." Is there a line that's too spiritual or too careful? I mean when I was a missionary I couldn't ride alone in a car with a girl... so that means the fact that we are even here talking means there is some level of desensitization going on. Right?
ANDREA: I don't know Jake. Maybe. I just know that we are supposed to strive to be perfect. We don't have to be perfect, just strive. But in striving, when we're given a decision, that doesn't mean we just go with whatever. We should probably choose the choice that will make it easier for us to be as close to perfect as possible.
JAKE: ... (Okay, I know she's right, even though I totally hate the word "strive" and she sounds a little like a boring church talk right now. She sure looks cute when she gets this way though. She interprets my pause as disagreement and she continues)
ANDREA: If I slept over tonight nothing would probably happen but -
JAKE: I don't know. You are pretty smokin. (she ignores my interruption)
ANDREA: -there is no way anything can happen if I'm at home in my bed and you're at home in yours right?
JAKE: Of course. (The conversation shifts back to the El Salvador, USA game -did I mention that was awesome?- Her simple faith is pretty hard to disagree with, and I do agree with her, she could very convincingly apply that little "strive" thingy not only to coed sleepovers but to "R" rated movies, caffeine, swearing, and tongue kissing. However, there is still this feeling that I am not able to verbalize, about loosening up a little bit and still being a strong, testimony driven priesthood holder)

Saturday Morning- During breakfast at the Blue Plate (Mmmmm),
ANDREA: Do you want to fast together tomorrow?
JAKE: Sure.
ANDREA: Okay what should we fast about?
JAKE: Uh... you mean together together? (I always entertain ulterior motives of others probably because I am such an ulterior individual. Even though, so far I have never found Andrea to have any sideways motives at all. Is this about "us"? We still haven't had a DTR? Or maybe she wants to fast about my admitted desensitizations)
ANDREA: (Giggles) Yes, together together. (She says that mockingly mimicking me) C'mon, we could fast about something together. What do you want to fast about?
JAKE: (I really didn't want to make the decision) I don't know, we could fast about who the three Nephites are... I swear one of them is following me.
ANDREA: I'm pretty sure you'd have to starve yourself to death to find that out.
JAKE: What do you want to fast about? This is your idea... I'm new at this.
ANDREA: We could fast about being more sensitive to the spirit I guess, or we could fast about, I don't know... (I think I grimaced here, I am not sure, but she kind of stopped and didn't finish what she was going to say)
JAKE: I could always use more sensitivity. That sounds good.
(I think that she wanted to fast about something else. I decided however that I didn't want to press the issue. I liked the generic fast topic.)
JAKE: So, you want to have dinner tomorrow to break it?
ANDREA: I can't, I have that family dinner, but we can just have dinner earlier tonight, and do a small snack or something after church before we go to our families for dinner.
JAKE: Oh you still do the three meals thing?
ANDREA: (Laughing) Yes Jake, thats how you do it.
JAKE: Huh, well I have been doing just two meals for a while on fast Sundays... but I'll go the full three meals, no problem. Heaven knows I can afford to skip a meal.
ANDREA: Stop it.
(We both eat for a second, and there is a pause)
ANDREA: My Mom is trying to set me up with this guy in our Stake.
JAKE: Really, who is he? Do you know him?
ANDREA: Not really, he's this 26 year old Firefighter. She really likes him.
JAKE: Ooh... a firefighter. That's hot. (Suddenly I realize that perhaps she was waiting to see how the whole "fast" proposal was going to go. Did it not go well? Had I gone the direction of DTR would she have just not told me about the fireman.) So... are you going to go?
ANDREA: Do you want me to go?
JAKE: (damn) Um... you can do what you want. If you want to go out with him you should. Right?
ANDREA: ... (she didn't make an expression at all, not disappointment, confusion, excitement, nothing)
JAKE: All it will be is one night that I wont get to spend with you. That'll kind of suck.
ANDREA: Well, I haven't told my Mom one way or the other.
(The conversation dies for a sec. I can't freaking tell if she is pissed or wanted a DTR or what. I know that if she did, I skirted the issue pretty good. I totally don't want her to go out with fireman fred, but I don't know that I am ready to say no... even though it's not like there is any other specific female that I want to pursue or anything.)

Sunday afternoon after church,
ANDREA: I brought Snickers, Dots, and Salt N Vinegar Chips.
JAKE: Mmm, excellent items to break our fast.
ANDREA: I guess it's my turn to say the prayer.
(Andrea prayed, and it was awesome. I remember when I went on my mission at age 19 my prayers were still the primary lesson "GOD-Ask-Thank-Name of Jesus" and that's it. I grew a lot while on my mission, but I'm just barely caught up to Andrea. Her prayer was pretty pointed towards me. When I started the fast, my prayer had a lot of "us's" and "we's" in it. She focused mostly on me. Blessing me and thanking Heavenly Father for me and stuff. I felt pretty loved.)
JAKE: That was a pretty tremendous prayer.
ANDREA: Thanks.
JAKE: I'm going to miss you tonight and tomorrow.
ANDREA: Me too.
JAKE: Are you feeling more sensitive?
ANDREA: I have been all day. Like I got blessed right when we started. What about you?
JAKE: (I didn't feel any different, probably because I was secretly complaining about being so hungry and I was extra bored at church today) I don't know yet, I'll really try it out in my prayers tonight.
(We finished our goodies, and I walked Andrea to her car. We hugged and kissed briefly)
ANDREA: I'm gonna go out with the Fireman.
JAKE: Okay. When?
ANDREA: Just to make my Mom happy, don't worry, it'll just be just one date.
JAKE: (I laughed) Who's worried, I'm awesome. I don't worry about old firemen.
ANDREA: Okay good. Besides, like you said, it just means one more night we wont get to be together.
JAKE: Maybe we could hang out after and you could do a pro's and con's list comparing us.
ANDREA: (Laughs) yeah right. See ya at work Tuesday.
(She shut the car door behind her. I walked away thinking maybe she fasted for more then just being sensitive to the spirit. Maybe she was looking for an answer. "Should I go out with the fireman?" Of course I was worried about the fireman... but clearly, not enough to be honest and give up whatever freedom and/or control I felt my silence was gaining me.)


Saturday, September 5, 2009

Role Reversal

Brittany is getting pretty pushy. I'm trying to decide if she's naive or manipulative. Her two children would lead me to believe she's not a naive person. But then again, maybe it's her naivety that has gotten her into a situation where she has two children with two different guys.

I should clarify briefly (and I'm not really sure if this even matters) that Brittany had her son out of wedlock when she was 17. Then she got married when she was 19 to a different guy, had her daughter, and then got divorced. So even though there are two dads, her actions weren't completely off-the-deep-end slutty or anything... I don't think. But I can't really trust my opinion of her since I'm directly involved in my relationship with her.

She really likes me to sleep over. A couple of readers have alluded to, and even said straight out, that Brittany needs someone in order to be happy. She's had a man in her life pretty much non-stop since she was 17 years old and I just happen to be the guy that's in her life now. I don't mind being that guy. But I don't like the insinuation that Brittany is using me. I guess it's possible, but there are guys out there much hotter than me who could be spooning Brittany every night instead of me, but they aren't. I am.

I've been able to remain in control up to this point in our relationship. I admitted in a previous post that the line I've drawn for myself is probably a couple notches further than the line you've drawn for yourself. It has become abundantly clear to me over the last week that Brittany's line is a couple of notches past my own line. Remember that scale I used a couple of weeks ago? Then one where "holding hands" is a 1 and "full blown intercourse" is a 10? Well, I'm pretty comfortable in the 4 to 5 range. If I've been dating a girl for a little while and I'm really into her (actually... that doesn't really matter) then I've been known to delve into the 6's. I've hit an 7 twice in my life, but Brittany seems to be pushing for an 8 or an 8.5. That's pretty far out of my comfort zone. It's definitely in my "I wish like crazy I didn't have a Testimony" zone, but not in my comfort zone.

I'm always the one who stops the heated horizontal progression. Never her. She's even seemed irritated a couple of times that I stop things at a 5 instead of waiting till we hit a 6 or a 6.5. I don't know what I'm trying to say. Actually, maybe I do know what I'm trying to say.

I've dated a lot of girls in my life and I've always felt safe with them because I know they share my value system. I know they won't let me go too far and I won't let them go too far. Brittany is only the second girl in my life who I know for a fact wouldn't stop me if I decided to go all the way. That puts a lot of pressure on me. It means that it's only my self control that is keeping me safe. Nobody else's but my own. I don't know how long I can hold out.


Thursday, September 3, 2009


All Calvin and I ever do is talk about ourselves on this blog. While our roommates have some pretty great stuff going on. Since my story with Andrea is getting to be what I call "relationship boring" I decided to write about a little experience I had with Aaron.

Last night Aaron and I went rollerskating with a huge group of LDS singles. There was this really cute girl there named Nicole. I was not with Andrea (in spite of the fact that we are not exclusive I'd still feel guilty if I sought out any other female attention). That doesn't mean I wouldn't like some said attention.

So, I was skating with Aaron and Nicole came up behind us never having met us, and smacked him on the butt. Aaron chased after her and left me in the dust. Aaron is a terrible wing man, I didn't know anyone so I just kind of skated around, grabbed some pizza and ended up stuck talking to these two really nice (overweight and pock-marked) girls.

The night wore on and I wanted to leave. Aaron was holding hands with this girl around the rink though, and I didn't want to ruin his game. I got lost texting Andrea for a bit, next thing I know they disappeared. I looked everywhere. They were nowhere to be found. Then I went to see if the car was still there. It was, and all the windows were fogged.

What was I supposed to do? My patience was a little thin, so I tapped on the window. I heard muffled talking and giggling. Then Aaron opened the door. His 5:00 shadow had left a red circle around Nicole's face. She smiled embarrassingly. Aaron said, "Dude, ready to go home?" I nodded. Nicole climbed into the front seat and fastened her seat-belt. I realized she must be coming with us. We started driving home, and we were talking about... whatever, and I called Aaron by name. She looked at him and said "Your name is Aaron?" She put her hand over her mouth as Aaron got this stunned look on his face. She started laughing and said, " Oh my gosh it was so loud in there I thought you said your name was Brian? I even called you Brian a few times." Aaron sort of laughed, but he was bugged. I could see it on his face.

We got home I went to the TV room and "Brian" and Nicole went into his room. I sat watching Family Guy marveling jealously at Aaron's skills. He met a girl and no less then two hours later, made out with her without her even knowing his name. I know that that will never, ever happen to me. There's no way.

This morning Nicole joined us for breakfast and told me that she was going to school to be a mortician. So, sure she's a little weird, but I still sorta wished that morning that I had Aaron's good looks. Damn the pretty people.


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Chivalry is Confused

Brittany's roommate watched her kids last night so Brittany could come over for our FHE Game Night hosted by the MBP (covertly, of course). There were probably 50 people at our house, by far the best turnout we've ever had for an FHE.

I was doing my best to mingle and make everyone feel welcome at our house, but was also trying my best to make sure Brittany was comfortable and didn't feel too out of place, since it was her first real experience at our house and out of her comfort zone. Jake helped me out quite a bit. Almost too much, really. Jake has never been one to cock-block, but he did admit to me later than he thought Brittany was smokin' hot. It's pretty obvious that he's more attracted to her than I am... even though he IS dating Andrea.

Anyway, there was this other guy there, as well. We call him Spud cause his head is shaped like a potato, but he calls himself "Z" and he wears a really gay gold necklace with a "Z" dangling from it. This dude is about 5' 4" and thinks he's the bomb. He's always trying to get people to "fist bump" him, but he calls it "give me some rock". I watched him try to get Jake to give him some rock, last night and Jake said, "No dude. I don't give 'rock'." Spud then kind of whispered, "Then hook me up with some scizz" and he held out his two fingers like he was playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors". Jake laughed and said, "What's 'scizz'?" Spud brought up his other hand with some finger scissors and started using both pair of scissors to cut up the other one in a subtly sexual way. It was pretty funny.

About two hours into the evening, Brittany came up to me and said that Spud had been trying to talk to her all night and wouldn't leave her alone. Then, Brittany alleged, Spud walked past her and touched her butt. Then she looked at me like I was supposed to do something about it.

Honestly, there's no way Spud grabbed her butt intentionally. He's a d-bag, but not like that. And Brittany didn't say "grab" or "squeeze" or "fondle" or "tussle". She said "touch", which could easily mean "graze" or "skim" or "brush up against". But she still stared at me.

I'm not a confrontational person. This is obvious by my "girlfriend breakup" stories. They don't exist. I don't break up with girls. I just stop calling them and don't answer my phone when they call me. It takes a bit longer to be officially "broken up", but it happens eventually.

I didn't want to minimize her molestation claim, but I also didn't want to seem like a jealous, violent, melodramatic over-reactor. So I asked her, "What do you want me to do?" Brittany's eyes got kind of wide, like she couldn't believe my knuckles weren't already bloody. "You don't have to do anything. I'm just gonna go. I feel weird." That's when I really felt like an idiot. I told her she shouldn't have to leave because of one guy. It was my house and I'd ask him to leave if she didn't want to be around him. Her helpless sigh told me that it seemed to be an acceptable reaction.

So I found Spud and told him that Brittany was with me. He apologized and said he didn't realize it. Then I told him that he was making Brittany feel uncomfortable and that it would be best if he left. He apologized again and walked out the door. No debate. No argument. Nothing. He just left.

I really don't think the "touch" was intentional, but Brittany was happy and I felt pretty good at having marked my territory... even if it was with the only guy at our house I might have actually been able to beat up.

Note to self: Avoid venturing into public with Brittany unless the desire to participate in fisticuffs is present.