Wednesday, April 10, 2013


We've decided to pick right back up where we left off as soon as we find out who exposed us?


We're not coming back.

But seriously. Who exposed us?

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Magic Penny

It may surprise some of you that I have not made out with a girl since Daisy. That's right, blazing hot Daisy and I made out with a pirated copy of James Cameron's blue-lanky-and-disturbingly-attractive-alien-people movie. I wanted Claire back then but I thought I could work something with Daisy but soon discovered she had just used me.

As I reflect back on the last year since I returned home from my mission. I think about Andrea, Claire, and Sanders. How involved I got and how much I pined over them and worried about where "we" were going. Lots of deep stuff to think about at 23. Too deep.

Then I think about Daisy. We only spent one night kissing. Now, when we see each other, its not weird. There are no uncomfortable moments... except for when I say stuff in group settings like, "You know Daisy tastes like strawberries? Go figure." We are friends and that's that.

I think that I need more Daisy's and less Clandrea's in my life right now.

Sure, when I showed up at Daisy's after our night of passion to further woo her, only to find she was N.O.T.I 6 with some dude on her sofa... I was embarrassed. But it went away really fast, because I wasn't emotionally invested. As opposed to say Claire telling me I would never make a good husband because one time when I was 15 I killed a few toads with a nail gun or whatever other high and mighty hang-up she could think of. That really hurt, because I really liked Claire.

So I have decided at least this month to no longer attach kissing to commitment. Daisy didn't. She made off like a bandit.

While explaining this new theory to the guys there was a mixture of support and mockery. Aaron was quick to point out that when the girl is the user that it works but when the guy is the user this rarely works. Maybe he's right, women do tend to get more emotionally attached to kisses, but how am I supposed to know if that's true? I haven't fully experienced it yet.

This weekend a big group of us went up to Echo Lake. I ended my drought with not one, but two horizontal make outs. High Fives all around, right?

First was this girl Janice. We met two weeks ago at one of our Thursday parties. We've been flirting and texting pretty regular. We were out on the canoe and I said, "Ever made-out in a canoe?" This technique was surprisingly effective. We ended up making out in the canoe and then finding a sort of sandy slightly rocky beach portion away from the main group to roll around on. I recommend canoe kisses and making out in swimsuits.

Janice stuck pretty close to me after that, which was a little troubling because I had actually invited another girl who didn't really know anyone else besides me. Her name is Christine. I had been set up with her in the beginning of the summer, and it never really went anywhere. So I was a little surprised when I asked if she wanted to come to the lake and she said yes.

Later in the day back at the campsite I was sitting between Janice and Christine scratching both of their backs while our group sat around joking and eating watermelon. Christine asked me if I wanted to go for a walk down to the lake. I said, "Sure." Janice piped in, "That sounds nice, can I come?" Which Christine didn't seem to keen about.

This is one of those situations where big groups come in handy. There were 23 of us at Echo that weekend. Big groups make it so easy to distract and escape. I signaled to Calvin who looked like he needed a break from Annie who wouldn't leave his side. He came over and started a conversation with us. Knowing my plight he masterfully brought up a topic that he knew would interest Janice. Proposition 8. Which Janice is staunchly opposed too. They got into a healthy discussion and in no time Christine and I were able to sneak away.

Mid-way through our walk we stopped by this big tree and Christine asked me if I liked Janice. I said, "We made out once (I accidentally left out that it was 5 hours earlier) but there was nothing there." A True statement. Christine said, "I think Janice is really pretty." I replied, "I think you're really pretty." Also a true statement.

Christine blushed and asked. "Why was there nothing there?" I said, "We didn't kiss well together." She looked at me in a "greenlight" sort of way and asked, "What do you mean?" I really wanted to say, "Um... let me show you." I wanted to say that just because it's so cheesy it would be hilarious to tell Calvin about later, but instead I just went for it.

We made out up against that old tree for way too long, because my knuckles are all scraped up and swollen from holding the back of her head with the tree behind it.

That night I slept in the big tent with both Christine and Janice and six other people. Which made it so I didn't have to choose who to sleep next to. The next morning there was no weirdness or anything either. It was awesome!

I don't know if Janice and Christine know that I kissed both of them this weekend. I gotta think they do know. When a guy and a girl disappear at a lake... what else is going on? Either way, there has thus far been no drama as a result and I was able to end my dry streak.

So far my theory stands. Kissing is fun. Why not kiss? It's just a kiss. It's just like a magic penny, hold it tight, and you wont have any... but spend it, lend it and you'll have so many they'll roll around on the floor, or the beach, or the canoe.


Friday, August 13, 2010

Echo Ratio

Someone pointed out a while ago that it seems like I always seem to date girls who are still living at home. For some reason it took me until now to realize that it's true. Even girls who aren't living at home force me to pick them up at their parents house for dates. I don't think that's cool. Not at all. So I made a goal. I figure that one of the benefits of not living at home anymore (ie living in my own house) is that I shouldn't have to pick up girls and meet their parents on first dates. Right? I mean... in the movies when people are dating, they don't meet parents until they're, like, engaged. So I've decided that's what I'm gonna strive for. I'm only gonna meet one more set of parents and they're gonna be my future in-laws. That is my Friday the 13th resolution.

I've been spending some time with Annie lately. We haven't really been on any official dates, but she's been following me around quite a bit. Whenever she comes over to our house, it's like she looks for me. Once she finds me, she follows me around the house. I thought it was awesome until I made out with her last Monday. Now it's just irritating. I'm not trying to be rude or anything. She's extremely attractive, but she's only 18 and it shows. Everyone in our house tries to avoid her, as well. I'm the first one to enjoy her horizontally and the last to realize how irritating she is.

She came over again on Wednesday night. We decided to barbeque in our front yard so we were all hanging out, sitting on blankets and talking while Tim had pork chops and corn on the cob cooking on the Q. I guess that when a person makes out with an 18 year old, the 18 year old assumes you're a couple. I admit, even if I'd have known that a week ago, I have no doubt that I'd still have pursued Annie anyway. I'm very short-sighted when it comes to stuff like that.

The most irritating part, though, is that she never freakin' shuts up. And it seems like everything she says is an attempt to make me jealous. She never asks me questions or talks about her family or anything. It's always stuff like, "So, Jeffery called me again today and I was, like, 'Hello! We broke up two months ago! Leave me alone!' It's crazy. He just can't let me go." Then she looks at me like she's waiting for me to ask for his address so I can beat him up or something. The truth is, I am a pretty jealous person. And if I was actually interested in Annie, I'd probably be jealous. But I'm not. At one point Annie started telling a story about two guys at her work fighting over her or something. Luckily Jake was there at the beginning of the story, so I made up an excuse and left them talking on the front porch without me. The sad part is I have actually asked all of my roommates to steal her away from me, but nobody wants to. Sigh.

We're planning on going up to Echo Lake tomorrow (Friday) night and Saturday night. There's a girl in our ward who grew up near Echo Lake and she invited us to go to her home ward on Sunday morning. So that's the plan.

Here's the cruddy part. There are tons of girls coming up there with us. All seven of the roommates are going and we have nine girls coming. A couple of them are ugly so it ends up being a perfect ratio... aside from the two trolls, but we figure they can entertain each other. The problem is that Annie is coming. She's gonna think she's my date or something. Seriously. I'm extremely unexcited to go up to Echo Lake with seven hot girls who are probably looking for an average looking funny cuddle buddy... except I'll have a date. I don't want a date.

My only option here is to try to convince Aaron or Lance to bust a serious move on Annie tomorrow afternoon or something. I doubt it'll work, but I don't know what else to do.

The other cruddy thing is that one of the ugly girls told us today that she's inviting her co-worker. A dude. So not only is this girl ugly... she also thinks she's gonna be on The Amazing Race next season with her ugly friend... and on top of all that, she invited her stupid guy co-worker to Echo Lake screwing up our entire guy/hot girl ratio.


Monday, August 9, 2010

Sexual transgressions worth mentioning.

My roommate Gabe has been up to no good. Having served my mission with him I knew he was a hopeless romantic. I guessed that the ladies would like him. I never fully grasped how aggressive he was in relationships until I lived with him. I noted yesterday that Gabe did not partake of the sacrament. Late last night after watching some Adult Swim I asked Gabe how things were going with his latest squeeze.

Gabe's girls name is Taren. She's a red head and seems pretty sexually charged. Honestly, I haven't had too many conversations with her because Gabe keeps her to himself. Gabe told me, "Things have gotten a little hot and heavy lately." I said, "How hot and heavy?" Gabe smiled nervously and said, "Well, I won't be taking the sacrament for a while. Let's put it that way." I looked at him. Did he really think he could leave it there? Did he forget when we were on our mission and we had 'past transgression nights' where we would describe in great detail all the bad things we had done?

I said, "Dude, this is me you're talking to. Why don't you put it in a way that I'm going to know exactly what happened?" He looked at me sullenly and said, "It's bad." I replied, "How bad?" Gabe replied, "Like... like a ten." I almost yelled, "A ten???" He looked at the ground. I continued, "Dude, are you telling me Taren's got your V-card?" Gabe looked shocked, "No, NO! Not that bad. Geez." I laughed and said, "Isn't 10 the highest? How high up does this scale go?" Gabe said, "Um yeah I didn't know there was a real scale, but I guess if there was and what I did was a ten then it would go up to, like, 14." I laughed and said, "I'm obviously not very experienced because I thought there were only three bad things you could even do, and you're saying there are 14." Gabe and I stopped talking about a scale and he went on to tell me what actually happened between he and Taren.

From time to time, even with us Mormon bachelors there are sins committed that we generally don't talk about on the blog because we want to keep things appropriate. We don't want to write things in bad taste or that might make Heavenly Father shake his heavenly head. At the same time these are real things that happen to real people. To avoid discussing them altogether seems like we're pretending they don't happen. That doesn't help anyone, not that that is this blogs sole purpose or anything, but helping has become an "originally unintended" side effect.

Part of why I write is to shed light on the reality of being a twenty something male who also happens to be Mormon. Though Mormons are taught not to break the Law of Chastity and try their very best not to break the Law of Chastity that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It does happen, and dealing with it and overcoming issues of chastity are part of the process of learning and growing.

So after relaying my talk with Gabe to Calvin, to try to keep in line with being tasteful and still being true to the truth, we have devised another scale to talk about chastity transgressions. We will use this going forward on the blog to discuss what, if any, sexual transgressions are worth mentioning.

How bad is bad? Here is what the "For The Strength Of Youth Pamphlet" says:

Before marriage, do not do anything to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage. Do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not allow anyone to do that with you. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body. In cultures where dating or courting is acceptable, always treat your date with respect, never as an object to be used for your lustful desires. Stay in areas of safety where you can easily control your physical feelings. Do not participate in talk or activities that arouse sexual feelings.

It has been a couple months since I have read through this...

Originally I had planned on citing that this pamphlet was really only targeting "The Youth" which means 12-18 year olds. Surely, I thought, we 23 year old returned missionaries live by a higher law where "[lying] on top of another person" is a necessary evil required in finding a spouse. The "For The Strength of Young - Single Adults" must surely have a different set of rules. Well I think it's safe to say the above copied and pasted paragraph is pretty clear. Basically if you whisper to a member of the opposite sex too close to their ear you are crossing the line.

It's true if Gabe and Taren were following the FTSOYP guidelines they definitely wouldn't be passing along the Sacrament tray.

The sad reality is, however, that 20-somethings are constantly arousing the powerful emotions that must only be expressed in marriage. We should all strive to be more chaste.

Now that I have spent a couple of paragraphs covering what we all know we should be doing, I'm going to now talk about the scale that Calvin and I came up with to illustrate what transgressions go on among our peers, and (heaven forbid) someday Calvin (because I, of course, would never break the Law of Chastity) so that we can write about it on our blog without getting into the juicy details.

We chose, again, to do a 1-10 scale because, well, we can't always be creative. With the FTSOYP as our guide to what is "bad" we came up with the following:

We call it the N.O.T.I. scale... or the Nasty or Otherwise Transgressional Infractions (pronounced "Naughty") Example of use:

CALVIN: So... did you score?
JAKE: Yes.
CALVIN: N.O.T.I. 4 huh? That's pretty good for a 2nd date.

I am trying to be careful about the words I use so as to not offend while still illustrating what I hope this list helps me to never have to illustrate with more than one of these numbers.
  1. Unpassionate kissing
  2. Passionate Kissing
  3. Vertical Make-out
  4. Horizontal Make-out
  5. Necking
  6. Light Petting
  7. Dry Humping
  8. Heavy Petting
  9. Oral Sex
  10. Intercourse
If, for some reason, you're unclear as to what each of these things are, feel free to click here for a more detailed and slightly inappropriate list of definitions.

Again, I am not condoning any of these activities. In fact I would suggest that everything above a 5 needs to stop right now and probably wouldn't hurt to discuss with your bishop. I further submit that everything above a 2 leads to things beyond a 5 so be very careful and avoid them at all costs! I know I do.

Oh, and I basically wrote this whole thing up to tell you that Gabe and Taren were N.O.T.I. 8... tsk tsk. I hope the repentance process isn't too hard on them.


Friday, August 6, 2010

Proposition 8

Surprise, surprise. Calvin has something controversial to say. That's right. I'm about ready to talk about something that you have a strong opinion about. I'm not sure what your opinion is, but I'm sure it's a strong one.

First let me start out by saying two things. First, I love everyone (except for my stupid co-worker initials B.S. coinidentally. He's an idiot and I hope he gets hurt really bad and ends up with a nasty scar). Even if we disagree, I still love you. Second, I'm perfectly able and willing to recognize that all of my feelings toward you... be it 'shock', 'amazement', 'frustration', 'anger', etc... are mostly likely felt by you... toward me. I know. I know. As bad I want you to agree with everything I say, I understand that you want me to agree with everything you say. I just want you to know that I understand that concept before I delve into the meat of this post.

Jake doesn't like it when we talk politics on this blog, Twitter, or Facebook. Mostly because he's afraid that a lot of people might assume that he and I are on the same page... but that is seldom the case with stuff like this. Jake has an opinion about gay marriage, but it isn't as strong as mine and he isn't even close to as passionate about it as I am (tee hee... I said "gay marriage" and "passionate" in the same sentence).

So a couple of days ago I found out that Proposition 8 was overturned in California. I wasn't surprised to see a lot of my non-Mormon friends celebrating this fact. It was truly a landmark occasion. I honestly believe that. However... just because it's a "landmark" occasion doesn't always make it a good occasion. I was watching everyone celebrating and expressing their joy at the judges ruling. Good for you, guys. Good for you.

I was shocked, however, at how many of my Mormon friends and acquaintances were also expressing their enthusiasm over the ruling. I couldn't believe it. 'Surprised' is an understatement. I was utterly shocked. I thought there might be a few, but I was astounded at how many people were happy about Prop 8 being overturned.

Now, I could go on for pages and pages about my opinion, but I don't have the time or the energy so I'm going to try to be as brief as possible as I communicate my feelings over the last few days.

"Finally, the State of California is doing the right thing." Actually, no. The people of California voted twice and both times voted against allowing gays to marry. ONE SINGLE JUDGE overturned the ruling. Not the State of California.

"I'm just happy that people born gay will be able to get married." Born gay? So if a person is born with gay tendencies, that makes it ok? Cause there are people born every day with tendencies toward a myriad of sins, but we're taught that the natural man is an enemy to God. We should always be trying to overcome temptation to sin. It's unfortunate that some gay people are attracted to their own gender, but that doesn't mean it's not a sin to engage in that type of behavior.

"As long as it doesn't affect me, let them do what they want." So what happens if gays are allowed to marry? Won't school teachers be forced to include gay relationships as legally accepted forms of marriage in classrooms? During the sex-ed talk in 5th grade, are they going to start including gay butt sex? I mean, it's legal and socially acceptable now, right? They should probably talk about it so our 11-year-old's are completely clear on that kind of stuff.

"Okay... but other than that, it doesn't affect me." For arguments sake, let's pretend that they legalized gay marriage today. Then tomorrow two gay men approach their Mormon bishop and request to get married. The bishop doesn't agree with gay marriage so he refuses to perform the ceremony. Those two gay men can now sue the church for discrimination. A person who has the power to marry two people has been accused of discriminating against a gay couple. You don't think that affects you?

"Gays being allowed to get married is inevitable. What's the point in trying to stop it?" I actually agree that gay marriage will eventually be legal in the entire country and possibly the entire world. But just because I think it's probably going to happen doesn't mean it's okay for me to sit back and let it happen. It's my responsibility to do everything in my power to stop it.

"I don't know why people are making such a big deal out of this." Maybe it's because some of us are afraid that legalizing gay marriage will open the door to other types of things.

"You're not gonna talk about humans trying to marry animals are you?" No. I'm not. I don't think that hypothetical argument is very feasible. I will, however, mention that polygamy or maybe adult siblings wanting to get married is extremely likely to come up as a result of legalizing gay marriage. In both of those examples we have consenting adults wanting to marry each other. Why would we allow two guys to get married, but not a brother and a sister?

"Because that's just gross. And they'd have deformed kids." What if they could prove they were unable to reproduce and they only wanted to get married because they loved each other dearly and wanted all the rights that come with marriage?

"Now you're just being stupid." I have a feeling that 2o years from now when the world is comparable to Sodom and Gomorrah, we're gonna look back at gay marriage and think, 'That's where it all started'.

"But forcing gay people to live the same morals as we do sounds a lot like Satan's plan. Didn't he try to force everyone to obey the commandments? We can't take away their agency." So... why do we have any laws then? If murdering someone is against the law, then we're taking away their freedom to do what they want, right? Of course not. People still have the agency to do what they want... it's just that we impose certain consequences on those actions. Not allowing gay people to get married isn't taking away anyone's agency.

"Yes it is. It's taking away their right to marry a member of the same sex." Well, I don't have that right, either. A gay man can't marry another man... and neither can I. So really, what gay people are requesting are additional rights. They want a right that I don't have.

"But us Mormons believe that unless it's a temple marriage, it's not a 'real' marriage anyway (as in, not for time and all eternity). So what's the difference between a marriage outside the temple vs a gay marriage?" A man and woman marrying outside the temple still have the option available to them in this life or the next, to accept the Gospel and spend eternity together. Two men will never have that same opportunity. Ever. Two men will never be able to be sealed for time and eternity. Ever. No matter what.

"How can you say that? At one point in Mormon history, God didn't allow blacks to hold the Priesthood. I'm sure back then, some ignorant Mormon said the same thing about blacks never ever ever being allowed to have the Priesthood. And today... they have it." Are you honestly trying to tell me that at some point in the future, God is going to allow two gay men to co-habitate in the Celestial Kingdom and create worlds together? I'm assuming you think they'll just be allowed to spiritually adopt spirit children from the heterosexual couples chillin' with them in the CK.

"I think that gay couples deserve to be happy. If they want to adopt and raise children, I think they should be able to." You think they should be able to raise a child in a homosexual environment as long as it makes them happy? Does the welfare of the child come into play at all in your mind or are you only concerned about what make gay couples happy?

"What do you mean 'welfare of the child'? There are thousands of heterosexual couples who are horrible, abusive, neglectful parents. If gay couples provide loving environments for children, that's all that matters." You can't compare the best possible gay marriage to the worst possible hetero marriage. That's not fair. Let's look at it this way: If you had a child you were putting up for adoption and you had it narrowed down to two couples, one straight and one gay, which would you choose?

"That depends on a whole lot of other things." Let's pretend you could see into the future and you knew that both couples would provide an equally loving home for 50 years. I'm asking you straight out which couple you would choose to care for your child.

"Fine. Fine. I'd choose the straight couple." Did you choose the straight couple because you don't want your kid to get made fun of at school or do you honestly believe that the best environment for raising a well-rounded child is in a home with a father and a mother?

"All I know is that I think the Mormon church leaders were wrong when they didn't let blacks have the Priesthood and I think they're also wrong about this." So what your saying is that you're planning on disagreeing with the Proclamation to the Family and our First Presidency including the Prophet of God because you think at some point down the road, they're all gonna change their minds. If they changed their minds once (ie blacks and the priesthood) then they might do it again... so you're gonna go in the complete opposite direction of the Mormon Church and it's counsel.

"The Church isn't allowed to tell me how to vote. I'm super pissed that the Church has chosen to become so involved in this obviously political issue." Sure. Gay marriage is a political issue. And I recognize that churches aren't allowed to tell it's members how to vote or else they'll lose their tax exempt status. But the Church isn't doing that... no matter how bad you want to blame the Church for disagreeing with you... they aren't doing anything they're not supposed to do. They are simply expressing their opinion and reiterating their (our) beliefs. Don't you remember how often we are counseled by our church leader to "vote with your conscience"? Just because a church says, "Marriage between a man and woman is the bedrock of society." doesn't mean they are telling their members how to vote. Get over it! If you feel guilty about voting against the church, that's your problem. Quite blaming the church for reminding you about your own beliefs. Stand up for yourself. Own up to it. Admit that you think our church leaders are old-fashioned hypocrites who need to get with the times and start being more accepting of the sins of others.

That is all. Have a great day.


Next Week: The Myth of Global Warming

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Compliment

I don't think there has been a night in the last two weeks that I have been to bed before 3am. Which has made my job complicated because I'm supposed to be there at 6am. I have been late for work every single day. Sometimes, by as much as half an hour.

You'd think with my earlier post this year that I would have been fired by now. Believe me they huff and puff like they are going to fire me... but they don't. Ha ha, they can't. I'm the number one salesman in the company every month. Not by a little, but by a lot. So today the owner of the company has me come into his office. I assumed it was either for a pep talk or a scolding.

When I walk in he has a receptionist at the desk right in front of his door. She's really cute. Her hair is short, her skin dark, she has light eyes like a gray or blue or gray-blue. She is wearing a business suit and looks way more professional than anyone on the sales floor. She smiles at me and tells me that the big man will be a minute.

I sit there for a while. I try not to stare at her, but it was either her or a big vase in the corner. She was typing something on the computer. I figured she had to be older than me. Like 26 or 28 or something. I had heard that the boss had inappropriate relationships with his secretaries. The boss was like 50 though, I had a hard time imagining it.

I couldn't see if she had a ring. Her left hand was behind the monitor as she typed.

She looked at me and totally busted me staring at her. I tried to look away really fast, but sorta froze. She smiles and says, "So you're the top guy?" I thought about the quote from Indiana Jones, then I realized in the movie they actually say "top men". That thought is interrupted by the stark realization that I am still staring... I say , "I guess." She looks at me. Studies me. She says, "These guys talk about you like you're the great white hope." I don't think she knows what that means. Which I guess doesn't matter if I know what she meant by it. I say, "Does that mean I am not in trouble?" Her smile gets bigger. She says, "Art doesn't do the 'trouble' thing, thats what he's got managers for." I smile and say, "Ah, yes. I've been there before." She looks back at her moniter and types. I manage to pull away my stare.

I looked at the vase for a minute then decided I should capitalize on every second I have with this girl. I look at her and say, "How long have you worked here?" She looks at me. She grins a little and says, "Three years." I nod, not knowing where to go from there. She says, "You're very confident. That's probably what makes you such a good salesman." This caught me off guard. Here I was almost completely petrified unable to be myself in her presence, and she calls me confident? I reply, "You think. Wha- What makes you say that?"

She grabs a pen and taps it on the desk for a few seconds. Then she says, "You stare. In a good way. When I know you are looking at me , I look over and you keep looking, Like you're saying 'yeah, I'm looking at you'." I laugh a little. That is not what I was thinking at all. She grabs a pad and stands up. I say, "Is it creepy?" She starts walking past me out of the room. She is tall, probably as tall as me with her heels (which is a good thing). Her legs were nearly three quarters of her entire body. She instantly went from really cute to sexy. She responds on her walk past, "Not creepy, confident... It's a good thing."

I'm blushing at this point. Then I notice the big fat rock resting on her ring finger. Married. I say "Thank you." She's past me now, headed out of the room and she says, "It was nice meeting you, he'll be ready any minute."

I finally got in and chatted with the big boss. I did end up getting a light scolding for my tardies. It was followed by a verbal commendation. All I could think about was his secretary, though.

I sat there as he talked and instead of listening thought about what a great compliment that was. Even though I don't think it's true, I felt pretty awesome. I didn't know her name. I was going to find it out though.

It wasn't until I got back to the sales floor that I found out from my manager that I just got a 25 cent raise. I blushed again just playing the compliment through my head.


Monday, August 2, 2010

Cake of Sin

It only makes sense that since I've already had the best date of all time that it was only a matter of time until I had the worst date of all time. That might be a slight exaggeration, but my date with Stephanie Saturday night was pretty bad.

When I called to ask Stephanie out last week, our conversation was pretty awkward. But it was the first time we'd spoken since the swimming pool, so I didn't think it should count negatively toward her or our chemistry. Stephanie lives in an apartment with a few roommates, but told me she was going to be at her parents house on Saturday and asked if I could pick her up there.

When I got there, her sister let me inside and then left to get Stephanie. I stood in the front room and waited. The house was like a nursing home. It smelled like pee and it was decorated floor to ceiling with little statues and miscellaneous knick-knacks. I didn't count, but I remember seeing at least 20 curio cabinets filled to the brim with figurines. The wall closest to the door had a zillion framed photos presumably of Stephanie's siblings. One of the photos was of two little baby feet... like a posed picture of a newborn infant. Next to it was a photo of the face of a sleeping baby.

When Stephanie came in she caught me studying the photos on the wall. I pointed to the picture of the baby and asked, "Is that your little sister?" Stephanie said, "No. That's my older sister. She was a still birth." So that's how the date started. With me asking about the photo of a dead baby that has been framed and hanging on her parents wall for 23 years.

The good news was that Stephanie had a pretty nice body. And she looked really good with a little bit of makeup on. When we met at the pool her hair was wet and she didn't have any makeup on. She was pretty tall, though. Almost too tall. It looked like she was exactly my height... which isn't good.

We went to eat at Ruby River before the comedy show. The conversation was pretty good, but it wasn't great. After dinner, I told the waiter that it was Stephanie's birthday and asked if they could sing her a song. Stephanie stared at me like she'd just witnessed me stabbing a puppy with a ball-point pen. The waiter said, "We don't sing, but I'll bring out some ice cream cake." After he left, I noticed Stephanie was still staring at me with her lips parted. "You totally just lied." Was she serious? "Well, I guess technically. But now we get free dessert." I couldn't believe Stephanie was so shocked. Had she really never lied about her birthday to get a free dessert at a restaurant? I had always assumed that it was every single persons birthday when I eat out.

The waiter came back out and put the dessert in front of us with two forks. She didn't touch her fork. So I ate it all. It was hard, too, cause I normally don't like stuff like that. But I wanted to prove a point. I'm not sure what the point was, but I proved it.

I couldn't tell if the comedy show was below average or if neither one of us really wanted to be there so we didn't find it very funny.

Despite how horrible the date was going, on the drive home I couldn't help but wonder if Stephanie and I would be making out on her doorstep. Even though I was pretty sure she didn't like me very much, I thought it would be pretty great to have an Angry I Hate You So Much makeout. I'd never had one of those, but it sounded pretty awesome.

As we got closer to her house, I thought I'd liven the mood by singing a song out loud for her... like a little impromptu karaoke. As luck would have it, Poison was the next song on my iPod playlist. I didn't think through the lyrics before I started singing. I was more interested with putting on a humorous show complete with air guitar, air drums, head banging, and full body convulsing. I sang the verses loudly and pretty much right in Stephanie's face:

Your mouth. So hot.
Your well. I'm caught.
Your skin. So wet.
Black lace on sweat.

Keep in mind, this is pretty much the most bitchin' song in the entire world. But before I could get to the second chorus, Stephanie says, "Well, this is a great way to ring in the Sabbath Day." I stopped singing and said, "What?" Stephanie motioned to the clock in my truck that read 12:03... Sunday morning. "I said this song is a great way to ring in the Sabbath."

I turned the stereo off and didn't say anything else until we got to her apartment. Stephanie didn't even give me a chance to open my car door. She was out of my truck almost before it had rolled to a stop.

Stephanie has a pretty nice butt.