Monday, March 29, 2010

Who is Keyser Soze?

We have readers from all walks of life, I think. Well, maybe not "death bed" walk of life, but most of the other ones. Well, one of these "walks" has been posting a link on Twitter and Facebook to a blog where the author claims to have "revealed" our true identities. It has resulted in several comments on our blog and a myriad of tweets and statuseseses on Facebook. The author of the aforementioned blog, however, is anonymous. (We can't stand people who think they can do and say whatever they want just because they're anonymous.)

This guy has created this blog for the sole purpose of "revealing" us. To add insult to injury, he also has placed advertisements on his blog so he can make money off of our blogs untimely demise. To prevent him from making any money, I've copied and pasted his blog in it's entirety right here. If you're afraid I've altered the text, you're more than welcome to visit his blog. Just don't click on the ad's or else he'll get paid 1/20 of a cent for each click.

Now, onto the blog which is causing so much controversy (with simultaneous tingling in our loins):

I first came across this blog a few months ago, and thought it was a pretty novel idea: two guys who claim to be roommates that write about their various dating escapades and adventures living as young, single, recently returned missionaries. In their stories, they talk about topics such as “horizontal make-outs,” “define the relationship (DTR) talks,” scales of attraction, and other slightly more taboo subjects for young single adults of the LDS faith. I thought the blog was funny and entertaining, and I found myself relating to some of the situations and stories they described. They wrote without fear about some of the things that we, as men, often think about women, but should never say in front of them. This led to hundreds of responses from readers (mostly women) that were as entertaining, if not more so, than the posts themselves. There quickly became a division among the readers—those who defended the writers for being cool, funny, laid-back Mormon guys, and those who hated them for being typical, disrespectful, chauvinistic men. So, even though I felt a little out of place, I occasionally visited the blog to catch up and have a few laughs. I maintained this activity as a guilty pleasure, since I knew that most (probably 85%) of their readers are women. I became aware that many people questioned whether the blog was real, and even more girls wanted to know who these awesome, funny guys were (presumably to “jump their bones”). The writers addressed the issue by claiming they needed anonymity in order to “protect” the other people involved. I began to read another blog called “Expose the Mormon Bachelor Pad,” which sought to discover (and presumably expose) the writers’ identities. Anonymous comments were left with varying theories, links to facebook profiles, and even anecdotal encounters. Of course, nearly all of these theories were based on the assumption that the characters’ basic information was correct. This led the majority of the sleuths down completely wrong paths, and even helped MBP out in some ways. However, it was discovered that the writers had formed an LLC, liked to shop on the company dime, and even had a lawyer. It became apparent to me that there was a business objective here. However, I could not tell whether the blog was real, and the writers later decided to make some profit (why not?), or whether the entire site was fabricated to generate income. I’m still not sure if the writers realized in the beginning how popular their blog would become. In revealing their identities, I do not wish to frustrate their business plans. I’m sure that they will continue to write as wittily and to be as creative as they have been in the past. If they continue to write well, people will continue to read. They seem to have a cult following that would believe their every word, and some of those people probably won’t even believe that I’m right about them. After I had discovered the characters’ true identities, I left a couple of innocent comments announcing that fact, and only included their real first names. I congratulated them for being such great writers. Those comments were never published, since they began moderating them some time ago. Since they wouldn’t offer me even that tiny bit of credit, I decided to write this and expose them. I think that people deserve to know that what they are reading is fiction. If you want to continue to believe that MBP is real, and that “Jake” or “Calvin” is your future eternal companion, I suggest that you stop reading now. Otherwise, may the truth set you free. Oh, and please buy a shirt from them, because they deserve it, if only for pulling it all off. I will not go into the details about how I discovered the identities of the authors, but I will say that it was merely by luck and not by any sinister (or illegal) means. After noticing several connections and coincidences, I was able to identify them based on their personal (but public) blogs and profiles. Once I show you the evidence, you will see how easy it was to tie them to MBP. Everything I know has been gleaned from those sources, so I might be mistaken on some points. Also, I have not been able to tell whether there really are two writers, or if both characters are written by the same person (which would be “Jake”). In either case, it appears that “Calvin” is, at the very least, based on a real person. Without further ado, allow me to introduce the writer(s) behind MBP: Revelation

The Story
The Truth

John Maxim
Dublin Ireland; 2007-09
Leeds England, Cincinnati OH; 1996-98

Writing Blogs/Comics
Making/Reviewing Movies

Cameron Daley
Married (2001)
Dublin Ireland; 2007-09
Leeds England; 1996-98

Ogden, UT
Ogden, UT

Low stress desk job
Probation Officer
Writing Blogs/Comics
Making/Reviewing Movies
John is a fan of the band Less Than Jake, which probably has something to do with his choice of pseudonym. Similarly, Cameron is a fan of the comic strip “Calvin and Hobbes.” So, in truth, John and Cameron really are two great writers who have created a fascinating work of fiction which may or may not be based on their real dating experiences (past or present). This is not the first project they have worked on together: #1: “House Of Nine” appears to be a photo blog honoring a house very similar to the Mormon Bachelor Pad, but was probably occupied roughly 10 years ago (by my guesswork). This would reinforce the theory that MBP is actually based on the authors’ past experiences. #2: “Out of the Blue” contains a comic strip that John and Cameron created together. It is also similar to MBP in that it involves a group of quirky young men who live together, and their dating lives. This project even earned them an award in a journalism competition. #3: “The Cinematic Experience” is a movie review blog by John and Cameron. Its most recent posts include video reviews, and those of you who wish to get up close and personal will have all of your utmost desires fulfilled. From these videos it is apparent that “Jake’s” and “Calvin’s” physical descriptions on MBP are accurate. #4: They are currently involved in a competition called the “48 hour Film Project.” I’ve had a lot of fun figuring this all out, and I hope you have too. Most of all, I hope to give credit to John and Cameron for their creative endeavors. Well played! Shortly after creating this blog, I left an anonymous link on "Expose the Mormon Bachelor Pad." I decided to do this so that those people who were truly interested in knowing who the authors were might be able to find out. This may have been a giant mistake on my part. Within hours, all of the previously cited blogs (and even John and Cameron's youtube account) were either privatized or deleted. Obviously, this provides even more evidence that I have hit home, and they are frantically trying to keep from being identified. The most interesting thing is that my comment on ExposeMBP never showed up. Well, well, well... it appears that John and Cameron themselves, or someone close to them, actually created ExposeMBP. This does make some sense, considering that they even posted a link to it from MBP. It may have only served as a straw man, intended to throw any truth seekers off the path. Of course, it also served to give their blog a little more allure, and keep some of their readers' attention. It certainly kept mine!

Wow. You probably have a million questions right about now, don't you? Well, that's why we're doing this post. Here are the options available to us right now and your feedback is welcomed as always:

1. We can explain why this other dude's blog is untrue and point to several alternative explanations as to why his arguments appear to be so sound, but really aren't.

2. We could actually tell the truth which would involve a lot of other stuff.

3. We could lay out a time line for your viewing pleasure from the birth of this blog all the way through yesterday.

4. We could do a series of Q&A blog posts where you submit your questions via comments or email and we do our very best to answer each and every one of them as honestly as possible.

5. We could upload the video of when we stripped at those two bachelorette parties a few years ago.

6. We could give mad props to Blazzer (one of our commentors) who consistently hit the nail on the head with pretty much every single one of his comments.

7. We can ignore these accusations and continue writing as Calvin and Jake while secretly hoping that Jonathan Thomas Martin: Supermodel and Abbie Warnock don't send their parents to our house wielding baseball bats.

8. We could join hands and walk quietly into the sunset, never again uttering the words "Mormon Bachelor Pad".


Jake and Calvin

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Blue Man Group Cuddle

Last night we did our big movie night. Some dude in Claire's complex was able to score a copy of Avatar on DVD for us. I have no idea where the kid got it or by what means. I remember one of those old Mormon Ad's that my dad had taped up on the door to our garage titled "Gossip" that had these hands passing around black muck that (I always imaged was infested with something disgusting like the HIV virus or something, because otherwise it's just mud, and mud never hurt any one... but if you were passing around AIDS I think the metaphor would be a little more poignant.) had a smaller subtitle which read "don't pass it on". So I don't know where he got Avatar from and for me to guess and then to post that guess here on the world wide web would be like throwing a handful of the virus known as HIV in your eyeball, get it?

As planned there was about an hour or so of build up before the movie actually started. A period for people to arrive, for beverages to be poured, and for popcorn to be popped. This time was necessary for everyone to get settled and figure out who they were going to be snuggling with. So far, nobody in this group has really paired off yet. With the love tetra decagon discussed a little while ago the possibilities were vast... especially considering there were several other people from Claire's ward involved. So far, all five of the guys from my house haven't smooched a soul in our new grazing patch.

My plan was to cuddle with Claire thanks to my weak mention of cuddling during a planning meeting we had earlier in the week. I really like Claire, is that not clear yet? I wish, too, that I would have just asked her out instead of creating this big, out of control group that we have to manage... even if we do get to manage it together. So there were 19 people there last night. To maximize comfortable seating, we rounded up couches and Love Sacs from surrounding apartments to make it all work in Claire's living room.

Aaron and Lance both wanted to get with Daisy, which was pretty funny to watch because she knew it and I think their subtle one-up-man-ship turned her off. I was talking to a group of people and I could see the three of them, Aaron and Lance standing on either side of her while she sat on this hamper thingy. I heard Aaron say, "I was telling Lance how much it would mean to Sally if he cuddled with her tonight since she has a big crush." To which Lance immediately replied, "Yeah you said that right before you told me you and Shelly had made a deal to snuggle tonight, tell me and Daisy whats up with you two?" I realized during this blatant violation of our mantra that Daisy was staring at me. We made eye contact and I smiled. She rolled her eyes and smiled back. Then she said something to both of them I couldn't make out and stood up and came over and started talking to me and the little group I was entertaining.

Where was Claire? She was off entertaining, too. I noticed that her group slowly drifted to my group leaving her talking to New Guy. New guys name was Adam. He was new to the group, a friend of... someone. Anyway, I watched as their body language got more flirty. She was laughing a lot. I had talked with Adam only once, and unfortunately (because I kept wanting to imagine his head melting like that Japanese guy in "Raiders of the Lost Ark") he seemed really cool... and funny. I'm pretty sure he is better looking than me, too.

I wasn't worried about Adam, mostly because he is old. Adam is 31 or 35 or 50 or something. I mean, Claire turned 19 in January, so when I scouted my competition tonight he didn't even show up on my radar. I tried to avoid looking at them, but they were suddenly in their own little world... which reminded me of the time I met Claire.

I walked into the kitchen and started another bag of popcorn which gave me a second to strategize. The movie was about to start and Claire and I were supposed to be sitting together. I tried not to stare at Claire and Adam, but I did. He wasn't only cool, funny, and good looking, but the dude was also pretty smooth. I watched his hand movements and touches as they interacted and it made me jealous. I always say I don't get jealous... but I don't know how else to describe that twisting, tightening discomfort in that empty space inside between my xiphoid process and my stomach. I watched as Adam, in one fluid motion turned towards the screen and as he did his hand cupped the small of Claire's back and asked where they were going to sit. Seconds later they occupied the chair-n-a-half in the corner.

I hadn't come right out and said "I really just want to hold you in my arms tonight" or anything, but didn't Claire know I was interested? Did she even care? Did she forget our arrangement or was the Ring Reader in her just accommodating? I could relate to that... I guess.

No, Claire didn't seem to notice I was even there anymore. As far as I could tell, I didn't exist after Adams second funny joke coupled with a one of his three fingered brushes across her shoulder. I felt sick. I thought about going home, I thought about calling Calvin, but then I thought, "Okay, it's not like they're getting married, or even going to kiss tonight. They are just going to watch a movie together. Besides Calvin is on a date and wouldn't answer anyway."

I felt a little better and the 20th Century Fox fanfare from the DVD drowned out all the chatter. That's when Daisy walked into the kitchen grabbed me by the arm and said, "There's one seat left next to me." which was the bean bag inconveniently located directly in front of Claire and Mr. Wonderful. As we walked over, I noted that both Aaron and Lance were still standing looking for a place to sit.

So... there I was cuddling with Daisy. A situation which would most likely be called a cock-block later on by Aaron and Lance. Aaron and Lance both found another girl they could rub ankles with. Aaron with Shelly, and Lance with another girl from the ward that was there. All the while, the girl I wanted was back on the Chair-in-a-half with another dude.

I spent pretty much the first half of the movie listening to every single sound, no matter how faint, coming from behind me. It was awful, and I suggest no one else try it... ever. I heard cloth rubbing softly which in reality was probably her own elbow brushing her own stomach as she scratched her nose... but in my mind, Adam was behind us all mounting Claire and taking from her all that we, as virtuous Mormons, hold dear.

To try and get my mind off of it, I thought about making a move on Daisy. We were spooning and the bean bag made positioning perfect so that I could see right past her ear and over her neck. Daisy's hair was pretty short, but she had pulled it up. I lay there and looked at her neck. I've always felt I am a pretty accomplished cuddler. I've discovered that treating a cuddle like a slow, less intense shoulder massage on every part of the body that I can touch (without feeling like I have to talk to the bishop about it) drives pretty much all women wild. I was gently rubbing my fingers down Daisy's neck, on to her shoulder, down her arm and then back up. She occasionally let out a little whimper that was so quiet the first few times I thought it was coming from somewhere else (like behind us).

I didn't want to make out with Daisy. Furthermore, I don't think she wanted to make out with me. I think that she needed a rescue from my two hormonal pals and I needed a spot to lay and feel all jealous. Sure, on a strict 0 to 10 scale, Daisy may be a better choice, and it's not that she is dumb or stuck-up either, but I knew that I wanted Claire. Not just to roll around with. I want to have that feeling I have when I am with her all of the time.

Avatar is long and boring in parts (sort of like this post), people started getting up and leaving. Some fell asleep. The room really started to thin out. We got to the part where all the characters in the movie are blue, and I heard a little more than an elbow brush. Claire's hand touched my shoulder and she whispered, "I think we're out." I nodded and watched her and Adam walk back into her room. You thought my imagination did some damage when I heard rustling behind me?

Daisy rolled over and said, "Everyone's going to sleep." Then she nuzzled her face into my neck. I finished the movie and when the credits rolled, Nick sat up, looked around, and said, "See you guys." Aaron and Shelly were gone, and Lance was fast asleep with about four other people on the far side of the room. I started to get up but Daisy clung onto me and made a whispered, "uh un" sound. We laid there till the credits were over.

Her lips were on my neck, and I was imagining Claire in her room making out with Adam, which is totally not like her. The room was lit blue from the DVD menu light. I looked down at Daisy's body back-lit by that glow. I just decided to kiss Daisy. I mean, I hadn't kissed a girl since Sanders and.... Claire...? "Eff Claire." I thought. We went back to Daisy's apartment, where we found Aaron and Shelly in their room. So we made-out for a bit on the sofa until she fell asleep. By the way, (for the seven guys who read this blog) Daisy really is so hot, I mean she smokes of hotness and she's a great kisser. (She was so objectifying me though, I mean how incredibly disrespectful and disgusting right?) I drove home feeling terrible, jealous, and rejected. Making out with the hottest girl in the room made no difference.

It gets worse.

Before you go jumping all over Claire... I found out today that her and Adam did not even kiss. They didn't come anywhere close to my wild imagination. She does like him though... whatever that means.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Funny in a Different Way

Some people close to Jake and I have suggested we put together some sort of lease agreement for our renters. We've decided this is probably a good idea. However, we're not gonna make Aaron or Lance sign one. Since we're already friends with them, we've decided to trust them. I think making one of your best friends sign a lease seems kind of shallow. I know at least a few of you know-it-all's are thinking, "Well, what about Nick, Calvin? Huh? He's your best friend and he totally screwed you guys." Well, that's true. He did. And I'm still pissed about it, but I have a hard time believing that a lease would have changed the situation at all. Hypothetically, I'd have said, "Well, Nick, I know you don't want to pay us, but see this piece of paper that you signed? That means you have to pay us." Then Nick would say, "Or else what?" I'd Google some options, then call him two hours later and say, "Or else I take you to court and get a judgment against you." Then he'd say, "So? What if I still don't pay you?" Then I'd hang up on him all rude like, do some more Googling, then call him back a few hours later and say, "Then I hire a constable to serve you paperwork, fill out several forms and attempt to have your wages garnished." Then he'd say, "Doesn't that cost money?" At that point I'd still have Google pulled up on my computer and I could reply with "Yeah. A little." Then Nick would say, "Well, I'm not all that happy with my current employer. I'd probably just switch jobs if you started garnishing my wages." See where I'm going with this? A lease wouldn't have changed anything. Making NEW tenants sign a lease, however, is different. Our relationship from the beginning would be Landlord first, Friend second.

Nick still comes over pretty much every day. I don't talk to him. I give him the silent treatment... kinda like I'm either in second grade or gay. A couple of days ago, after Nick left, Aaron asked why I was being such a dick. I said, "Cause he totally screwed us out of rent for February and half of March. Doesn't that piss you off?" Jake doesn't care one tiny bit. I think Jake's exact response was yelled from the other room, "Who took my wet laundry out of the washer and just set it on top?". Aaron and Nick have been friends for a lot longer than anyone else, so Aaron's response was, "Why are you letting a couple hundred dollars ruin a friendship." I said, "What friendship? A friend doesn't do that. If he was really my friend, he'd pay me and YOU and Jake what he owes us."

Blah blah blah. Enough of that. It's boring.

We went over to the Heights for a little while last night. We bounced from apartment to apartment, but ultimately ended up at Shelly, Raquel, and Daisy's place. It's pretty awesome being surrounded by so many women who seem to be genuinely interested in us ('me' more specifically). I don't get to go there as often as everyone else with my school and work schedules so I feel left out a lot of the time. But I go when I can. (I've actually been skipping one of my night classes a LOT more than I'm comfortable with.)

So, anyway, last night we're all hanging out together. Shelly (the sheltered "Molly" 'b' who Lance is trying to steal, even though she likes me... maybe) wasn't giving any one person any sort of special attention. I honestly sat there and watched everyone else interacting, talking about things that happened when I wasn't there. It was pretty frustrating. Jake is usually my wingman, but he was focusing on Claire. I actually think it's pretty funny watching him interact with her. I know he likes her, but she doesn't. So all of the hints he's dropping are getting ignored since she's so clueless, or pretending to be clueless.

Then Aaron says to Claire, "Can I use your bathroom?" I had been looking for an opportunity to play this little joke and it seemed ideal to be doing it in a co-ed situation. I thought it would be a lot funnier. So I hurry up and say, "Wait, Aaron. Number one or number two?" [Side Note: Casually talking about bodily functions in mixed company has a way of automatically separating the girls into personality types right away. I subtly glanced around the room looking for smiles, or even chuckles. Those are my type and there were a couple of them. The girls who pretended they didn't even hear me are usually boring or way too prissy. The only girl making the "gross out" face with accompanying gasp, was Shelly. That kind of threw me off a bit. I'd heard she had a crush on me, but she's also a genuine bitch. Like, not the fake kind. A real, actual, down to earth, judgmental, hyper-sensitive, easily offended, hard to read, bitch. And it's such a turn on. Kinda like I know I'm gonna have to really EARN her affection.] Aaron unabashedly replies, "Number two." I say, "Do you mind if I go in front of you? I only have to pee and I don't want to wait." Of course, Aaron doesn't have a problem with me going first.

It was a perfect opportunity to play my little joke. I hadn't done it to any of my current roommates, but I did it all the time when I was growing up. I would put the seat down, get my hand wet in the sink, and sprinkle drops of water all over the toilet seat. It's awesome. Aaron was going to come in after me and one of two things were going to happen. He would either yell at me from the bathroom... something like, "Dude, Calvin! You peed all over the seat." At which point everyone would laugh cause I'd have already whispered to everyone what I'd done. Another possibility was that Aaron wouldn't notice the gleaming droplets on the seat and would remain clueless until he felt the wetness on his upper thighs and buttocks. Then he'd be too embarrassed to yell anything cause he'd have "pee" all over himself. We'd all laugh at him when he came out and I'd be the most popular guy in the room... right where I belong.

I stayed in the bathroom just long enough so I'd be convincing, then I walked out of the bathroom and announced, "Okay, Aaron. You're up!" Unfortunately, Shelly squeezed past me and said, "Aaron said I could go in front of him." She went in the bathroom and closed the door.

My smile faded. I froze. Seriously. I don't freeze very often. I didn't know what to do. I walked briskly to the couch and sat down. I didn't say anything to anyone. Shelly came out a few minutes later. She didn't say anything, either. She got something out of the fridge, like a bottled water or something and then went into her room. I wanted to tell Jake about it so we could laugh and be the life of the party, but he was swooning all over Claire and I thought that if I said anything at that point, it might be at Shelly's expense and I didn't want to embarrass her.

I told Jake about it today. He thought it was pretty funny... you know... cause it is. He's gonna tell Claire in the hopes that she'll pass it on to Shelly at some point. So hopefully I still have a chance.


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Shell of a Woman

It seems like every guy I know wants Daisy. Remember the super hottie from The Heights? Daisy doesn't fit in because it just hurts to look at her sometimes - she's so sexy. So why don't I want Daisy? Well, the simple answer is because I want Claire. Claire is beautiful too, but if I am being 100% honest...

Well if Claire and Daisy were empty shells that didn't talk, think, or have a personality of any kind. If their only purpose was to cook, clean, massage my feet after a hard days work, massage my feet after sleeping in on a day that I didn't have to work, change dirty diapers, pick up dog doo, massage my shoulders after my soccer games, accompany me to social functions at which people would judge me based off of the shell that rested on my arm, oh, and to procreate. If all that were true I would pick Daisy, she is a better "shell" than Claire. Clearly Daisy ranks higher on the LOS than Claire does, because the LOS measures only the "shell" I described above.

Standing Claire next to Daisy is like standing Kristen Bell (now) next to Angelina Jolie (5 years ago). They are both beautiful women, but I guarantee that if you were to survey 10000 men, half of them wouldn't know who Bell was while all of them would know who Jolie was. If those surveyed were then given a choice, and I had to venture a guess, probably somewhere in the 80% range of them would pick Jolie. And why not? I don't think anyone could offer reasons that are not part of the OS.

When I add to Claire's "shell" all of the things that make her her, and I add all of the things that make Daisy Daisy. Claire comes out way, way, way ahead.

Claire is strong, sassy*, and sexy. She has the uncanny ability to make everyone around her feel like they are the most important person on Earth at any given moment. She's smart, and she has this laugh that gives me the warm fuzzies. I am familiar with this feeling. It's the same feeling I had with Andrea and the same feeling I had with Lisa Sanders. The "shell" is not the important part of Claire that makes me want her so bad. It is all of the stuff inside her "shell" that I adore.

Now, I know our blog has a reputation of soley existing to objectify [to treat as an object] and degrade [to drag down in moral or intellectual character] women and I'm happy to uphold that eidolon. Its true, I do want to lie (in the Biblical sense) with every girl that lives in Claires hallway. Without regard for a future relationship or their feelings for me. I don't know why? But, the desire is definitely there. (See, that's me wanting to treat women like objects, objects whose sole purpose is to please me) Except I don't want to lie with Wendy, because, well... she's (gasp!) ugly [offensive or unpleasant to the sight] and, for one reason or another, I have no desire to objectify ugly women. (See, there I am being degrading to women.)

So, I guess that right now my "want" of Claire outweighs my "want" to objectify, otherwise I would try and make out with all the girls in her circle of friends (except for Wendy). And by that same token, if I think that Daisy's "shell" is superior to Claire's, that makes Claire a degree of ugly below Daisy. Which demonstrartes that my "want" of Claire outweighs my "want" to degrade, otherwise I would leave Claire in the dust for the better model, Daisy.

Which all sounds awesome to me, except... Claire still doesn't know the good effect that my "want" of her is having on me. I recognize the need to change this, otherwise I might as well just make out with Wendy and call it a day.

Last night, like many nights, Claire and I were sitting in her living room, just the two of us, talking. As always we were on seperate chairs, the other people in our group had sifted off. We were planning a movie night that we would get a projector and invite a bunch of people over. We got off on a tangent about why, for the most part, girls like trash tv and guys like video games. Never really coming up with an answer we concluded that having two TV's in a married couples living room would be ideal for a sustainable and strong marriage so that while she was watching American Idol for the third night in a row, he could be playing Modern Warfare right there in the same room, both of them doing what they liked, but still sharing that time together.

Claire pointed out that one problem with our idea was that she liked to cuddle during American Idol and I boasted that I could both cuddle and play games simultaneously. She laughed. I said, "Clearly you are unaware of my cuddling prowess." She scoffed, "Clearly." I said, "Well then, on movie night, you and me will be cuddle buddies." She semi-sarcastically said, "Oh, Jake, I thought you'd never ask."

So... yeah it was pretty pathetic, but at least it's a foot in the door.


*In my post titled Sassy = Stupid I apparently did not do a very good job of explaining myself. I do not, nor does any man I know for that matter, think that "stupid" is automatically a trait associated with all sassy girls. In that post, I had a choice between a sassy girl and a sporty girl. I picked sassy, and that girl... that one girl... though she was sassy, was also stupid. Thus my disappointment, because a sassy, smart girl is a very sexy combination. Perhaps had I titled the post Sassy = Stupid? that would have cleared up a lot of the confusion.

Monday, March 22, 2010

For Rent

Since Jake and I have bought the house, we've decided to do a little bit of shuffling. We decided to make it more of a group decision since we've all lived together for so long. Jake and I did our best to not ruffle any feathers, but we're also trying to figure out how to swing things so we don't have to make any payments out of our own pockets... at all. We want the renters of our newly acquired property to make our mortgage payments for us.

Initially Lance, Nick and Aaron were against it, but we explained to them that if we doubled people up in bedrooms then rented out the downstairs rooms we could afford to do awesome stuff to the house. As soon as we mentioned putting a fountain drink machine in the kitchen and a hot tub in the backyard, Aaron and Lance got a little more excited.

Jake and I got on KSL and bought two sets of bunk beds. We put one set in the big room that Aaron previously had to himself. He was pretty pissed about that, so Jake and I moved into Aaron's room with him so he wouldn't be forced to share a room with strangers. We moved Lance upstairs and put him in his own room since it was a little bit smaller. We told Nick that we would be putting a set of bunk beds into the other upstairs room and he would be sharing with someone. That leaves two vacant rooms downstairs.

I spent the last 45 minutes creating this detailed sketch in Paint to help you all visualize our house. I took painstaking effort to make sure this was exactly to scale... to the millimeter. That way, anyone interested in figuring out who we are can simply track down floor plans for every house in Utah and cross reference it with my super accurate sketch.

If you look carefully at the sketch, you'll see that I've labeled where we will all be sleeping. Do you see an "N" anywhere? Nope you don't. That's cause two days ago Nick told us that he was moving out. We tried to find out exactly why. Jake and I were genuinely concerned that he didn't like his new living arrangements and couldn't be bothered to argue. He told us that he'd felt like he should move back home for a while. Apparently Nick has a lot of debt that he's accrued in the last several months that he's getting pressure to pay off. So Nick decided to move back in with his parents to save some money.

Kinda sad, I know. He didn't give us any notice at all, either. He started packing his stuff up yesterday. I reminded him that we had all paid his portion of the rent for the month of February and then offered to prorate his rent for the month of March so he'd only have to pay for the first half of the month. Nick replied, "Nah. You guys will be making enough on rent from everyone else, you don't need me to pay you." I said, "Um... yes we do, Nick." I tried to explain that we didn't have any renters yet and that I needed him to at least pay us back the money we loaned him in February. He started talking about how we didn't even have to pay our first mortgage payment until April 1st so I shouldn't bug him about a couple hundred measly dollars.

I may have already mentioned in a previous post that I hold grudges. I'm a massive grudge-holder. I'm still pissed at my sister for getting into my bottom desk drawer and eating my Family Mix liquorice when I was in Jr. High School. And my issues with JTM:S is proof enough, right? Even though I hold grudges, I seldom find myself angry. I'm usually able to laugh, mock, deride, or otherwise embarrass my enemies. As a result, I rarely feel enraged. But I found myself getting pissed at Nick. He knows he owes me, Jake and Aaron money, but he refuses to pay it. What the crap?

I debated even telling this story, cause I know that there are a few people who will say "I told you so". Or, "Didn't I warn you that going into business with friends was a bad idea?" or "You totally ignored the advice of dozens of anonymous strangers who comment on your blog and now you will reap the consequences!" or even something like, "Awesome! One less person to interrupt you while you're kissing Jake, cause you're gay and like to be gay and your gayness is so gay it strains the boundaries of gayness in the gay community, you gay person." But, we didn't go into business with Nick. He just happens to be one of our tenants.


Friday, March 19, 2010

Love Tetradecagon

The are 9 girls at The Heights with whom we spend the most of our time. Claire you already know. I figured I'd take a sec to introduce you and to kind of let you in on who wants who and what not.

Wendy. Wendy is Claires awkward and surprisingly old roommate. Wendy is 29 years old. One of her trademark lines is, "I've been in singles wards longer than you were in High School." She is the Relief Society President in their ward and has a pretty good job at some lab somewhere. She is not cute at all. However she is fun, easy to talk too, and comfortable to be around. She has bright red hair. Her skin is white and freckleless... which wouldn't necessarily be so bad except that her skin is pocked pretty badly and I don't think she wears any make up. Nobody (to my knowledge) is interested in Wendy romantically and, conversely, she doesn't seem at all interested in any of us. We all really like her, though.

Stephanie is one of the four girls across the hall. She is cute and fun in a sisterly sort of way. She is 23, and a returned missionary. Like most returned Sisters, she thinks she knows everything and just shakes her head like we'll all learn someday. I don't even know if this look actually exists, but she just looks like a Utah County girl. I swear there is only one dentist down there ensuring that everyone has the exact same smile. Stephanie is a back-up girl for most of us, but she isn't really anyone's primary choice.

Jen shares a room with Stephanie. She is as tall as I am. She is sarcastic and crass in a way that only us boys seem to be able to appreciate. Jen is 21 and (looks-wise) she is incredibly average. I sort of fell in love with her the time we were doing Karaoke and I saw her do, (complete with dance moves) DJ Felli Fel's "Get Buck In Here". She really has no shame and is a hirlariously funny girl. Sadly, its painfully obvious that she has pretty low self-esteem. She is constantly downing herself, and never trying for anything. Despite her perpetual negativity, she is my second choice, and I think Nick would go for her if she weren't 6 inches taller than him.

Sally is in the same apartment as Jen and Steph. She is like a ghost. Claire and I have talked about it a few times. She always shows up to everything, but never contributes. She sits in a corner and smiles or stares blankly. I have tried to have a few conversations with her but she starts talking about old computer games and Japanese anime, which I know nothing about. She has 4 or 5 tattoos and it wouldn't be a stretch to list her favorite color as black from how she dresses. She is a tiny girl. Everyone thinks she wants Aaron in a bad way, and I think if she starts creeping out of her shell a few of us guys might start to add her to our conquests.

Brandi shares a room with Sally. Brandi is super cute. She is from North Carolina and has a very very slight accent. Her and Calvin will probably hook up. I say that because the few times he's here with this crew they seem to gravitate towards each other and she is totally his type. Brandi is a total player and always has some guy hanging around her. She totally wants Lance but that is because she hasn't had enough time with Calvin. Lance isn't interested. When asked about Brandi he described her as "too soft looking".

Then there are the three girls down the hall. This is where Aarons' and Lances' attentions are focused.

Raquel has her own room. She is from Hondorus and she is really hot. She doesn't have an accent, but she speaks spanish fluently. Raquel always seems to either be going to or coming from the gym. She dates guys that are almost always older and who have nice cars. Raquel has enough of a superiority complex to put me off, and she is very very stupid... but Lance digs her. He says he likes the challenge. I say "wear one of your douche shirts and borrow a $30,000 car and she is yours."

Shelly is not the Shelly of Shelly-smelly-belly-full-of-jelly-belly-smelly-Shelly. Shelly at The Heights is pretty hot. She is a total "B" though. Her parents are rich, she drives an Audi TT that she won't even let you eat a hamburger in. She is a quintessential bubble Mormon. One time we all went to a Panda Express in Taylorsville. There were a bunch of brown kids in there which she referred to as "gang bangers". She stayed in the car while we went to get our food because she was sure she saw on the news that someone was shot there. She is bitchy enough that even though she is pretty stinking hot, she never has dates. I love to make fun of her. Aaron is constantly flirting with her and I think that he will hook up with her eventually. Most of us think Aarons interest mostly stems from the fact that, as rumor has it, Shelly totally wants Calvin.

Daisy shares a room with Shelly. Daisy is the girl that everyone wants. When I wrote the description for a 9 on our 1-10 scale post Daisy was the girl I was writing about, and I quote, "9: In a large group of women, she's almost always Best in Show. Includes: Models, Actresses, Pop stars and girls toted as "Hottest girl in...[The Heights apartment complex]". Aaron and Lance tried to dibbs her the first time we met her but when neither one would back down Calvin suggested that she was too hot to be dibbsed and that any of us would be lucky to see any real attention from her so we should just all put our best foot forward while not violating our Mantra. Daisy is pretty cool, but she is always somewhere else. She is extremely flaky and, without trying, I think does a good job of trivializing everything, which doesn't make anyone love her company.

So to recap in third person... uh, and insert some facts I might have left out:
  1. Wendy, is old enough that she doesn't like any of us which is good because none of us like her.
  2. Jake likes Claire. If Claire likes one of Jakes roommates, it's news to us because she spends most of her time with Jake... which, hopefully means she likes Jake.
  3. Jen thinks Lance is hot, but they have never, just the two of them, had a conversation, and she might only like him because he's the only one taller than her. Jen is Jakes second choice.
  4. Stephanie is a universal "back up."
  5. Sally wants Aaron, but she's weird.
  6. Brandi wants Lance, but she doesn't know she wants Calvin... give her time.
  7. Raquel doesn't like any of us which makes Lance like her even more, but she is still his second choice.
  8. Shelly wants Calvin, so of course Aaron wants Shelly but she is still just his second choice.
  9. Daisy doesn't want any of us, but Aaron and Lance are set to duke it out for her affection.
Remember that now... there will be a quiz next week.


Wednesday, March 17, 2010


The executive secretary has been trying to get in touch with me for awhile. When I say "awhile", I mean for probably a month. (The Executive Secretary is the individual responsible for scheduling appointments at the bishop's request.) He finally caught up to me on Sunday at church and asked if I could stick around for a few minutes after sacrament meeting to talk with the bishop. I said, "Sure. No problem." I figured it was probably because he wanted to call me to some other position in the church. I hoped it wasn't in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, but deep down I kind of thought it might.

When I got into his office, he asked if he could say a prayer before we started chatting. He said the prayer and then he sat behind his desk in silence for a few seconds. I started getting a little nervous. Then he said, "We've got a problem, Calvin." I replied, "We do?" My mind started racing. What did he know? R-rated movies? No. Porn? No... not recently. I had no idea. Then he started talking. He told me that he had received a phone call a few weeks ago from a bishop in another University Ward. Apparently someone in that University Ward had confessed some sins to her bishop regarding some (alleged) immorality. Her bishop had then asked her to give him the name of the person who took advantage of her... which she did, obviously, cause I was sitting in the bishops office. I instinctively asked, "Who are we talking about?" even though I knew he wasn't gonna answer me. Then I realized how that must have sounded. The bishop probably interpreted that to mean, "You'll have to be more specific, Bishop. I violate so many women I can't keep them all straight."

He sighed and said it wasn't important who had given him the information. Then he said, "I'm worried, Calvin, that you might be one of the predators in my ward." I said, "Predator? Really?" He explained that there are some male members of the church who prey (with an 'e') on the women in singles wards. They behave inappropriately and then promptly move or change wards when they feel like there's nobody left.

I reminded the bishop that I had recently met with him and had told him everything at that time. He said, "You're going to have to remind me, Calvin. I meet with a lot of people." I assured him that all of my sexual transgressions had been dealt with and that my conscience was clear. He apologized for his abrupt approach, but explained that he is very protective of the sisters under his stewardship.

After I left his office, I thought about a lot of things. First of all, who was it? It couldn't have been Gaye because I didn't do anything immoral with her... plus she was too recent. Everyone before Gaye I had already spoken with the bishop about. Then I remembered that he had said "University Ward" specifically. Tori. It had to be Tori at BYU-H. It had to be. Except we hadn't even done anything THAT bad. That said, I have no idea how things work at BYU. Her BYU bishop probably told her that tongue-kissing with anyone other than your Eternal Companion was evil. She most likely broke down into tears and told her bishop that a horrible guy named Calvin had kissed her repeatedly while she was laying down in her bed... a mere six weeks before flying to Hawaii. Why she failed to tell him about her weekend of horizontalness with Aaron, I'll never know. At least I had dated her for while. Aaron hadn't. Why the crud am I getting labeled the Ward Predator? Aaron is worse than I am.

Then I thought, "Did she really tattle on me?" I mean, I've never been asked by a bishop for names of girls I'd made-out with. Ever. Before my mission I had told my bishop about a few heavy duty make-out sessions and he told me to call each girl individually and apologize for disrespecting them... but he never asked for their names and addresses. Plus, it's not like I was forcing myself on them. It was always mutual... I'd even argue that, more often than not, it was the girl pushing ME further.

Whatever. Tattling isn't part of the repentance process. I think it's stupid to back a sinner into a corner and tell them they have to confess. How sincere will they really be in that scenario? How remorseful? How penitent? Sure, they'll be upset that they got caught, but I doubt they'll be truly repentant.


Monday, March 15, 2010

The Heights

When I first called Claire a couple weeks ago I made what may have been a fatal relationship error. Instead of asking her on a date, I pitched her on a "unite the clans" idea, where she had girl friends who were cool and I had guy friends who were cool so we should get them together. Pretty basic socializing.

This has worked out really well for our "clans". Claire lives in a large apartment complex near the U called The Heights. It is mostly occupied by students. Claire lives in a two bedroom apartment with another girl, Ginger. Then, across the hall from them, there is an apartment with 4 other girls. Down the hall about two doors is another 3 girls. So, 9 nubile hotties within a few dozen yards of each other. Pretty ideal.

I think that their entire Singles Ward lives in The Heights. So my roommates and I aren't even confined to just the 9 girls in Claire's hallway.

We've been hanging at The Heights almost every night. The only downfall is that Calvin has night classes 3 nights during the week, so he misses out on a lot of the action. So we go over, hang out in their complex, bounce from apartment to apartment trying to meet all the girls we can and make some lasting impressions on them.

Amidst this large pool of single action, Claire and I have been hanging out together a lot. This is mostly because we both tend to play "ring leader" in our respective groups. That makes it really easy for us to get something going that has a lot of people and a lot of fun. As mentioned, this all works very well for our respective groups of cool friends. Unfortunately, it puts me and Claire into almost a professional relationship. It's kind of like we are really good friends that work together... friends who flirt a lot with each other but who, by virtue of our (self imposed) leadership roles are often flirting with and getting to know new people, too.

I wish that when I made that first phone call I would have just asked Claire out. Then after nurturing a little romance we could use our combined ring leader prowess to generate all this fun for others while being all lovey-dovey and stuff simultaneously.

Instead we spend a lot of time hanging out. Planning and plotting. We talk on the phone all the time, but almost every conversation starts with something like, "What are we doing tonight?" or "Who all is coming to (insert social gathering details) from your group?" or "I'm thinking it would be so fun to do (insert Mormon-approved recreational activity)."

I want to just ask her out, but it's weird, I may have missed my boat. I know a lot of guys prefer the "hang-out and make-out" process that seems so popular amongst youngsters these days. I am terrible at it, though. I have to take a girl out, make her laugh, work my way from gentle touches, to hand holds, to a doorstep scene - granted that can all happen in one night - but just making a move while in a group setting... I don't have a clue.

Claire and I (I think) have a real connection. On two or three occasions we have stayed up just talking, deep heart-to-heart kind of stuff, late into the night. It's awesome. Usually I can't talk to girls longer than a few minute without thinking they need another 7 years of school before we ever have another conversation. Like Andrea and Sanders, the ability to just talk is a big factor for me.

Right now, Claire's OS rating is off the charts. So... what seems to be the problem? I guess I am scared. Scared, that since we've been great friends up till now, that perhaps that's all Claire would be interested in. Scared that if I express a more romantic interest that she would be like, "Oh Jake, I didn't mean to lead you on, I just don't think about you 'that way'." As confident as I pretend to be, that would kill me. Had I asked her out originally and she would have rejected me, that's one thing. Now, though, there would be all this weirdness and the 'big group' environment we are creating would be hard to avoid.

Yeah, yeah, dig in and berate my cowardice. Whatever. I know I need to "Man up" so if that's your best advice, save it.

There is this small part of me that thinks if I just keep doing the friend thing that we will just end up becoming so close, and our bond will grow so strong that our (Claire and I) story will just become that REO Speedwagon song -

"...what started out as friendship has grown stronger.
I only wish I had the strength to let it show.

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever.
I say there is no reason for my fear.
'Cause I feel so secure when we're together.
You give my life direction, you make everything so clear...

...Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fightin' for.
And if i have to crawl along the floor.
Come crashing through the door.
Baby I can't fight this feeling anymore.


Thursday, March 11, 2010

Death Pact

I've always been a "one-friend" kinda guy. That's totally opposite of Jake. I don't really remember much from the first five years of my life in Arizona. I have a mental image of one kid I'd hang out with and I assume he was my Arizona friend. When I moved to Utah at age 5, I immediately made friends with a kid right around the corner from my house named, AJ. He was my best (and only) friend until the age of 15 when my family moved to Davis County. Within a few weeks of living in Davis County, I had another best (and only) friend, Randy. He was my best friend until I met Jake in Ireland.

I live in a house with four other dudes and only one of them is really my friend. I don't know if anyone reading this understands what I'm saying. It's like Lance, Nick, and Aaron are only my friends by association. If Jake is on a date or something, then I'm fine just chilling at home with them, but it's just not the same cause my best friend isn't there. I never go anywhere with any of them when it's just us. Ever. The only time I ever leave our house with my roommates is if Jake is there. I know that sounds totally gay, but that's just how it works with me.

Jake, on the other hand, has a billion friends. He tells me that I'm his best friend, but usually only when I force him to by saying something like, "So, Jake... am I still your BEST best friend?" He'll look at me with the most serious facial expression he can muster as he answers, "Of course, dude." I'll laugh really hard, and pretend like I was just joking and I really couldn't care less... but deep down he knows that I need that reassurance from him sometimes.

We were talking the other day about what we'd do if the other person died. I was fully prepared to discuss my inevitable depression and how long I'd probably wait until I could start searching for a new best friend who could share in my life goals and be my shoulder to cry on if I happen to be watching a sad movie like Brokeback Mountain. Before I could begin explaining my well-thought out series of emotions, Jake says, "I'd probably pretend to be Calvin for a while on the blog so that people didn't realize it was us writing it." I was like, "What?" Jake said, "Well, if you died and then all of a sudden, it's only Jake writing the blog, then everyone would know we were the authors of MBP... so I'd pretend I was you for a little while just to throw people off." Then I said, "So you'd just make up stories about Calvin indefinitely?" Jake thought for a second and then said, "Not indefinitely. Just until I could marry you off or have you move out or something." I was starting to get a little angry. I said, "First of all... that's exactly what indefinitely means. Second of all, you would pretend to be me for an entire courtship and engagement? And thirdly, you think you'd be able to move past my death so quickly that you could write humorous and witty post under the guise of 'Calvin' the day following my death?"

Our discussion got off on a tangent for a little while about how Jake's ability to rapidly get over my untimely demise was contingent on the manner in which I died. If, for example, I got a tanning pass for my birthday and decided to go tanning three times a week for four months and then... one night after an evening of cramming for finals in the campus library, I fell victim to a mistaken hate crime where the perpetrators were trying to kill a Mexican and accidentally killed me because of my awesome tan, well then that would just be hilarious and probably pretty easy to accept just because it was so funny. On the other hand, if I got hit by a car and ended up drowning in my own blood in the middle of the street... well... that would be harder. I totally understood what Jake was saying and it made sense.

I admitted to Jake that sometimes I get a little nervous when I can't get a hold of him. Sometimes I'll try to call him and he won't answer. I leave him messages that he doesn't return. A couple of times, he's decided to sleep somewhere else and I won't see him all night long. I told him that I get nervous that maybe he's dead somewhere and then I get even MORE nervous cause I start wondering how the notification process works in his family. Jake seemed to share my concern, but it's hard to tell sometimes if Jake is just humoring me. What if one of us dies, our parents get notified by law enforcement, but the information fails to trickle to the best friend for a couple of days? That would be horrible and super scary.

Ultimately, our conversation ended with a Death Pact. We promised each other that if one of us dies unexpectedly, we'd find a way (no longer bound by mortal limitations) to let the other person know we're dead. Maybe appear in the other one's dream and say something like, "Hey dude. Remember our death pact? Well, I'm dead... just so you know." or maybe even touch the living friend's spirit and just let him know through a feeling that the other one of us is dead. That might be harder, though, cause I can see myself watching Party Heat on Tru TV and all of the sudden I'd get a peculiar sensation in my soul and turn to Nick and say, "I just got a weird feeling. I think Jake's spirit just communicated with my spirit to let me know he's dead. But I might just have gas."


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Negotiation 1010

Lately, I have been showing up for work pretty late pretty often. My boss kind of ripped me a new hole two weeks ago. I really wanted to care, in fact I swear I do care. Honestly, all of the time I think to myself, "I am going to do better." "I am going to be on time tomorrow." "I'll make certain to go to bed early tonight." However, my actions do not support what I say at all, because I was late every day last week, and then yesterday and today.

Today, the boss pulled me into his office. He is shorter than me. Has dark hair and very pale skin. Looks like maybe he's Jewish, but I am hardly the authority on that. But, he sort of looks like a shorter, less lanky version of Zach Braff. His name is Jesse. He is a pretty cool boss for the most part. He's always talking about movies and stuff and doing his best to relate even though he is nearly 35. We discussed my tardiness.

JESSE: You aren't making excuses anymore.
JAKE: What do you mean?
He looks at a paper on his desk.
JESSE: You started working here on January 25th. Since then you have been more than 5 minutes late, um, 14 days. You called in sick twice and took all of last Friday off to buy a house.
JAKE: I asked for that off two weeks in advance.
He looked at me for a minute. I have been in this situation countless times, but this was a little different. He wasn't mad. I wasn't sure what he was, but it made me a little nervous.
JESSE: Yes you did. Thank you. (He set the paper down and sits on the corner of his desk. It was a very brotherly feeling.) What I am getting at is that you don't seem to be taking your job very seriously.
JAKE: ... (I thought about saying, "You're right, I don't... and your point is?" but chose to just stare at him.)
JESSE: You used to come up with really great excuses. (He grins.) My favorite is still the lesbian neighbor that was talking to you who you didn't want to be rude to because you thought if you cut her off mid-sentence she would think you hated her just for being a lesbian. (That really did happened by the way.)
JAKE: That really happened.
JESSE: And then, while you're at work, you are constantly talking to the other salesman. Taking an extra few minutes on your lunch everyday, and making trips to the bathroom as many as (he looked at his paper again) 10 times a day. (He laughs) I mean do you have irritable bowel syndrome or what?
JAKE: I don't know. Maybe I should get that checked out.
After that came out of my mouth I realized what a smart-ass I was being, and regretted saying it. He looked at me with a smirk, he was studying me like some sort of strange creature he had never seen. While he was studying me I thought to myself, "Do I think I am smarter than Jesse? Yeah. Yeah, I do. I am."
JESSE: Jake, with the way you treat your job I should be firing you. This is the type of thing that's hard about being a manager... (While he continued I remembered that the last time I got fired I was able to find a new job in less than a month I thought to myself that if he was going to fire me right now I could run to that Carl's Jr that I almost got caught at and totally throw off the girl who almost busted me because I would be there way before I was scheduled to be off work. I plotted to shamelessly flirt with her and to further fool her by getting one of those tasty new salads instead of my usual jalapeno burger. My fantasy was interrupted when in Jesse's ramblings I heard...) you're the number one salesman in the company for the month of February... by a lot. I should be giving you a raise.
JAKE: I think so, too.
JESSE: (Chuckling) Yeah, well how can I tell my boss that you deserve more money when you already have the worst rap sheet on the sales floor?
JAKE: I can do better.
JESSE: Yes. Good. That's what I need. Be on time for two weeks straight. Keep up the sales and we'll get you another 75 cents an hour.
JAKE: (75 cents and hour times 40 hours a week is $30. Wahoo that's $120 a month!) I can totally do that.

I figured that if I can get a 75 cent raise in 2 months, it would be no time at all until I get another. Before long I might be able to afford to buy Jet-Puffed Marshmallows instead of the Great Value Brand knock-offs.

Tonight, me and the boys did a little play date with Claire and her posse. At our early dinner I regaled everyone with my good fortune and my plan to climb the corporate ladder. All the guys seemed pretty impressed with my negotiation skills. However all the girls, including Claire, seemed to think I had a lot of growing up to do. Pssshhh, girls. (shakes head condescendingly)

An additional $120 dollars a month tells me I'm doing something right.


Monday, March 8, 2010

Born Gaye

Gaye came over again last night. We weren't hosting FHE or anything so it was more of a pop-in. It's gotten to point at our house, that the regulars don't even knock. They just walk in. We don't mind at all. In fact, there's something about the uncertainty of who is comfortable enough walking into our house that I find very intriguing. What does it say about a girl who just walks into our house? I've thought about this quite a bit lately and I've discovered that four types of girls feel secure enough in their relationship standing in our house to walk-in. The first type are the regulars. Usually those are the girls who have been in our house at least three times a week for over three months. There are quite a few of those. The second type are current love interests and/or girlfriends. Pretty much any girl who is dating a roommate or who has been horizontal with one or more of the roommates. They walk-in. The third type are the groups of girls. It seems like a group of three or more girls are more likely to walk-in than an individual. The fourth type are the social retards. The girls who are clueless when it comes to social etiquette. Most of the time they're the uglies who are under the impression that if they appear confident enough to walk into our house without knocking, that maybe one of us will swallow our pride and snog them for a few hours. Or maybe they think that if they "accidentally" catch one of us partially clothed, it might essentially be a foot-in-the-door type of thing for a future roll-around.

Wow... how did I get off on that tangent? Criminy. Anyway, Gaye came over with one of her friends from BYU or maybe some other community college in Utah County. I dunno. There were a few other girls over already and a couple of Jake's high school friends. We were all downstairs watching DVR'd Academy Awards. One of Jake's friends was getting a shoulder massage from some chick. He looked like he was really enjoying it. Gaye and her friend settled down on the couch and did a pretty good job of participating in conversations during commercials or the less than interesting Oscar presentations. Then, out of nowhere, Gaye's friend says, "Did you know that 50% of co-ed massages lead to heavy petting?" Nick says, "I believe that." I was like, "What? No way." This girl starts talking about one of her classes or something and some off the wall statistics. Then I said, "Well, I've given and received dozens of co-ed massages and it hardly ever leads to heavy petting? In fact, if it's really 50% then I'm jealous of all the dudes who get massages before me and after me cause they're the ones getting all the action." I was surprised with how many people had actually heard that statistic and believed it. BYU. They're a different breed.

A few hours later, people started trickling out. As expected, Gaye and her friend didn't appear to be all that willing to leave. At one point, the two girls went upstairs for a little while to powder their noses or something. Gaye came downstairs by herself a little while later and said her friend had hitched a ride home with someone else. Nobody was really listening cause we were watching Hot Rod. However, when Gaye came back downstairs, she snuggled up pretty close to Aaron on the opposite couch. Nick, Jake and I continued watching the movie. Lance was upstairs with a few other people and they were playing UNO or something. At about 2am, Aaron stands up and says, "Night guys. I gotta get up pretty early." He moseys upstairs and leaves Gaye on the couch by herself.

About 20 minutes later, I glance over to see if Gaye had fallen asleep on the couch, but she wasn't there. I said, "Where did Gaye go?" Jake said, "She went upstairs about 15 minutes ago." I honestly didn't think anything of it. I thought maybe she was hanging out with Lance and his friends or something.

Hot Rod ended and Nick was flipping through the channels when Gaye came back downstairs. She sneaked up behind me and whispered in my ear, "Can I talk to you for a second?" I said, "Sure" and she pulled me into Lance's room. I kind of knew what was going on, but I wasn't accustomed to a girl being quite so forward so I doubted my own assumption. Until she started making out with me. I had no idea what was going on or what had happened or what day it was or whether I was sitting or standing or what country I was living in. It happened so fast. Then it happened slower. And it happened for about three hours. It was pretty awesome.

I think something might be wrong with Gaye, though. She was saying some pretty weird stuff. Most of it I didn't really understand. But at one point, about an hour into our horizontalness, she said, "You make me feel so beautiful." I didn't know if I should say 'thank you' or 'you're welcome', so I didn't say anything.

So a few hours ago, when we saw light coming through the small bedroom window (which totally does not meet fire safety standards for a single family residence), Gaye said, "I should leave before everyone wakes up. I'll feel stupid if anyone sees me." I told her that I'd go upstairs and make sure she had a clear path to the back door. I crept upstairs and didn't see anyone. I waved her up and watched her slip out the back door. Then I wandered into the front room and saw Aaron and Jake sitting on the couch. Aaron was awake and ready for work and Jake hadn't been to sleep yet. They both looked at me. I couldn't help it. I smiled and motioned at the window. They both looked over and we all watched Gaye walking as quickly as possible down the driveway and get in her car. It was obvious she was trying as hard as she could to not let anyone see her.

In between bouts of laughter, Aaron said, "Did you guys make out all night?" I nodded my head cause I couldn't stop laughing. Then Aaron said, "You know I made out with her last night, too, don't you?" My laughing started to fade out. Jake's laughing started to get a little more intense. I said, "What?" Aaron then proceeded to explain how Gaye had followed him to bed and insisted on "tucking him in". Aaron had made out with her for about an hour. When he was done, Gaye had said to him, "Thank you for making me feel beautiful." It kind of creeped him out so he told her he needed to wake up early and essentially kicked her out of his bed.

So apparently, I got Aaron's sloppy seconds. But I'm not sure if it really counts as sloppy seconds if I didn't realize that Aaron made out with her first. That doesn't really seem very fair. But that won't stop Aaron from rubbing it in every chance he gets, no doubt.


Saturday, March 6, 2010

Happy Birthday, Marci. Happy Awesomeness, Kellie.

C: Hey, Jake, look what we got today in our PO box. It appears to be a Valentine's Day package from people who actually love us and know how to prove it.

J: How thoughtful. Are those boxers both mediums?
C: Um... yeah... they are.
J: I guess you got two new pairs of boxers, Calvin.

C: I got dibs on Edward.
J: Good, cause Edward's a fag.
C: I dare you to say that to his face.

J: It looks like another fan who thinks we make out more than we really do.
C: Well, not with each other.

J: I'm just gonna grab this chapstick.
C: I'm just gonna grab this chapstick.

J: Whoops. That was an accident.
C: Yeah, I totally didn't mean to interlock fingers.
J: Me neither.

J: Did that come in the package framed?
C: No. I framed it.
J: Where did you get the frame?
C: Walmart.
J: You bought the frame just for that poem.
C: Yes.

Jake and Calvin

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Can't readers who hate/dislike us think of better adjectives/verbs to use than disgusting/disgust?

Who has two thumbs and is closing on his house tomorrow with his best friend at 10am? (Picture the most attractive version in your mind of me holding up my two thumbs and pointing them at myself and then saying in a deeper voice than normal with a cheesy grin while flexing my biceps) "This guy!"

Aaron, my tool of a roommate, has been dating freckles the last few weeks. Once again, he's seems to be picking up some more of Calvin's sloppy seconds. Except, I don't think Cal ever made out with her so the analogy would be more Aaron is snaking Calvin's old Panda Express take-out from the back of the fridge. Anyway, if you remember correctly she is Andrea's cousin.

So, occasionally I will see her (and by 'her', I mean Freckles). We exchange hello's and what not but never talk. Aaron informed me after their date the other day that Andrea has been dating the Fireman pretty seriously. Aaron told me in a way that I think he thought was sensitive to my feelings. At one point he said, "This really sucks, dude. It does. But if I was you, I would want to know... do you want to know?"

I don't think I did want to know, but, like this blog, I couldn't help myself. I said, "Know what? Just tell me dude." He said, "Carla (that's "Freckles" for those who didn't follow the link) thinks that they are going to get engaged."

I didn't say anything. I actually took it pretty hard. I mean, I deserve whatever, right? I was the one who let her go. I was the one who ended the relationship. I was the one so overcome with insecurity that I figured she was better off. So I shouldn't be whining. Still, I couldn't help but think that some serious disaster was upon me. I had a sick feeling in my stomach all day.

Would I take Andrea back if she would have me? Today? Yes.


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Flaming Gaye

We had FHE at our house again on Sunday night. We get volunteered more than we actually volunteer ourselves. It's actually kinda nice because it forces us to clean our house. I'm sure that most of the participants expect our house to be a disaster, but surprisingly we're all pretty motivated to make sure our house is conducive to horizontal snogging. That's one of the areas where all of the roommates are on the same page.

After everyone had arrived we started playing the usual FHE games. We played a few rounds of I Never and then we busted out the Thimble Game, but I think it should be called The Sacrament Cup game. (Side Note: This game is simple and extremely entertaining. The person in the middle has a thimble or sacrament cup filled with water. They pick a color [animal, make of car, etc], write it on a piece of paper and put it in their pocket. The other people in the circle begin naming off colors one at a time while the person in the middle holds the thimble of water three inches from their face. The person who says the color written on the paper gets a thimble full of water right square in the face.)

One of the best parts about having FHE on Sundays instead of Mondays is that it's easier to spot the hyper-spiritual girls. How?, you might ask. They're the ones who wear their church clothes all day long on the Sabbath. C'mon, ladies. The Sabbath is a day of rest. How can you take a good nap while wearing that polygamy dress and knee high tights? When church is over, freakin' bust out the sweatpants. If I had it my way, I'd attach velcro to the back of all my church attire so when I walk in the door to my house, I can yank off every article of Sunday clothing and be on the couch wearing my one-piece G's in four seconds flat.

When FHE ended, everyone started slowly leaving our house, but we had the usual lingerers. Typically, the people who linger are people who are either regulars... or they're interested in "getting to know" one of us. One of the girls who stuck around after everyone left was obviously trying to get to know me. Her name is Gaye and I'm pretty sure she teaches one of the Sunday School classes. I'm not positive, though, cause I've never been to her class. She spent a lot of the evening talking to me and over-laughing at all of my unfunny and inappropriate jokes. She got points for that.

There's the usual flirtatious banter between us for a while. Eventually we made it to one of our couches and Aaron started watching Dream a Little Dream on Netflix Instant Watch. Great movie, I think. Gaye got pretty snuggly pretty quickly and I was welcoming the attention since it had been a couple of weeks since I'd rolled around with Marie. Gaye is a horrible name, but she has really great skin. Really smooth without any blemishes. Jake says she has a snaggle-tooth, but that makes is sound unattractive and I find it very attractive. He compared it to Jewel back before she got her Invisiline Braces or whatever. I like the old Jewel grill better than the "New and Improved" Jewel grill. It's almost like her one minor flaw magically turns into the most attractive thing about her or something.

About halfway through the movie, Aaron hands back a 2o lb bag of Peanut M&M's. I'm not a huge fan of candy anyway and Peanut M&M's are one of my least favorite. I started to tell him "no thanks", but Gaye snatched the bag and said, "Thanks." Gaye ate a couple of them and then offered them to me. I said, "I'm not in the mood, Gaye. Thanks, though." A few minutes later, while still staring at the TV, Gaye puts an M&M to my lips trying to feed it to me. So I opened my mouth and she slipped the morsel inside. I chewed it up and continued watching the movie. Then, five full minutes later, I feel another one on my lips. I opened my mouth again and this time she put the M&M into my mouth really slowly. After letting go, she pulled her hand out slowly and let her fingers brush my lips very lightly. I could tell it was on purpose and I got a little excited. The next M&M came more quickly. The same thing again with her fingers. I really wasn't enjoying the M&M's but I was enjoying the process of being fed immensely. On the 7th or 8th M&M, I licked her finger just barely. I wasn't even sure if she'd noticed, but I felt her breathing change for a second. At that point I didn't know who was enjoying it more. What I DID know was that I was getting really sick of those blasted Peanut M&M's. I'll spare you the unnecessary details of the progression from the licking of fingers to the sucking of fingers to the near gagging as Gaye essentially fingered my uvula (yes, guys have uvula's).

For some reason Gaye was comfortable having her hand in my mouth all the way to her wrist with four other people in the room, but never gave me any real green lights to roll around. So not only did I not snog her, but I also had a gut full of Peanut M&M's and at least four uncomfortable explanatory discussions with my roommates about why I sucked Gaye's hand like a nursing calf for 50 minutes.