Saturday, February 20, 2010

Jonathan Thomas Martin: Supermodel

I realize that we have a lot of new readers so the first part of this post is going to be a little bit of a refresher. Hopefully, you noobies are interested enough in this story that you'll read (or at least skim) the previous posts that I link to so that you can appreciate the story I'm about ready to tell.

Back in November, Jake and I thought the idea of making an MBP calendar sounded like a fun idea. We asked around for a while trying to find a photographer who shared our vision. Jake began an email back-and-forth with a popular Utah photographer named Abbie Warnock. The conversation began in a respectful and appreciative tone, but quickly deteriorated into something less than cordial. (In an effort to not reenact the experience, I encourage you to read the post.) In retrospect, we probably didn't handle the situation in the maturest of ways, but... what's done is done. We never said anything hurtful about Abbie and her photography skills speak for themselves so we'd like to think our negative publicity actually helped her in all of her business endeavors, but we have no way of knowing for sure.

Moving on. So after this blog post was published we received a lot of people taking our side and just as many (if not more) agreeing with Abbie. We debated briefly about taking the post down, but ultimately decided against it... like we always do.

We got a lot of comments from a lot of different people. But we also got a lot of anonymous comments. I understand it's nearly impossible to figure out exactly how many of the anonymous comments were written by the same person, but I think I got a pretty good feel for it. One commenter continually referred to us as "ass hats". I know this guy didn't invent the insult or anything, but it was unique enough that I felt safe in assuming all of the anonymous comments calling us "ass hats" were from this one person. He also left anonymous comments talking about how Abbie is his friend and that we had hurt her reputation and that he was planning on hurting us back "10 fold", which I'm pretty sure is a quote directly from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

This commenter continued to leave comments over and over about how he was going to find us and break our blog wide open by exposing us. Jake and I thought it was pretty hilarious that one single Smelly Face thought he could single-handedly take us down. We laughed ourselves to sleep on more than one occasion.

Until one day, we couldn't log into Facebook. Our original login name was Mormon Bachelor Pad and it had been disabled. Shortly after discovering that our account had been disabled, we received another comment from the same anonymous guy saying the following:

Ha ha take that asshats! I got your facebook account deleted.

A day or so later he left another comment saying something about how that was only "Fold 1" and he reminded us that he would be hurting us "10 fold" so we could look forward to nine more of these attacks. I admit... getting our Facebook account deleted was irritating. We had several hundred friends and we were finally on a roll. Apparently, one of the FB terms of service is that you have to use a name in a FB profile. "Mormon Bachelor Pad" was obviously not a name, so this Anonymous commenter reported us for the Terms of Service violations, resulting in our account being deleted.

I'm pretty vindictive by nature. Jake isn't. So I did some looking around and was able to figure out who this anonymous commenter was. I found this guys Twitter account and found this tweet. It was left on November 19... right around the time of our post. If you look at this guy and think, "Hey... he looks alright. He's completely harmless" you should read a few of his tweets. Everyone who thinks we're bad... my goodness, people. Look at his bio for hell's sake. This guy is a super model or something and thinks he's God's Gift to Women. Seriously.

So I called Jake and told him that I'd figured out who had our FB account deleted. I told him that his name was Jonathan Thomas Martin: Supermodel. I proposed a variety of ways in which we could exact our revenge. Jake reasoned with me calmly. After several hours, he convinced me to just let it go. He wanted the blog post about Abbie to fade away. He was right. Why did I want to stir the pot? Did I want to see what "9 more folds" really were? Yeah. I kinda did. But I didn't do anything about it. I just let it go.

Until Tuesday. I have no idea what came over me. Honestly. I was screwing around on the computer and I decided to look him up again. It had been a full three months since Jake's post and it had truly blown over. It was done. But I found myself clicking on "Send Message" on Facebook under his profile photo. I felt my anger welling up inside out of nowhere. I put the cursor on the subject line and typed "Bitch". It felt so good to finally tell Jonathan Thomas Martin what I thought of him in such a succinct and offensive fashion. I felt myself grinning. Then I typed two sentences asking when we could expect the rest of his revenge. Then I remembered all of the insulting he had done as an Anonymous commenter and I thought, "Oh... this guy is probably scared or something." So I told him that I understood if he didn't want to own up to all of his trash talk... and that I'd fully understand. I hit "send" and immediately regretted it... but not enough to hurry and send another one apologizing. I just went about my business and pretended it had all been a dream.

A couple hours later, Jonathan Thomas Martin: Supermodel emailed me back and said, "Do I know you?" I figured he'd feign confusion. I asked him if "ass hats" rang a bell.

As soon as I sent the email back, I remembered all of the reasons that Jake and I had decided to let it go. I thought to myself, "Crap. The first thing Jonathan Thomas Martin: Supermodel is going to do is report us to Facebook again. Well, he can't report us if he can't find us.... bwaa haaa haaaa." And I blocked him. I sincerely hoped that Jonathan Thomas Martin: Supermodel was smart enough to get our email address off of our blog and reply. I doubted he was, but I hoped.

I called Jake and began our conversation with a humble apology. I told him that I'd done something stupid and I asked for his forgiveness. He refused to forgive me until I'd told him what I'd done. I started to explain my abhorrent behavior. Jake stopped me several times to clarify my tale. "Wah-wah-wait. YOU typed 'bitch' or he did?" "Uh... I did." "YOU did? You typed 'bitch'? That doesn't sound like you at all." "I know, dude. I don't know what came over me." Jake told me later that he didn't really even know how to talk or respond to an "embarrassed Calvin". He'd never done it before and he was speechless.

It got better when Jonathan Thomas Martin: Supermodel left a comment on our blog. I called Jake again and read it to him. I asked if I should publish it because it was so funny. Jake said, "Won't you feel stupid when people see that you called this guy a 'bitch'?" I sighed and said, "Yeah... I will feel stupid. You're right."

But then we got another comment and it was even funnier than the first one. I called Jake again and we thought about editing Jonathan Thomas Martin: Supermodel's comment so it didn't show me calling him a "bitch", but we decided that was unfair. Either we posted the comment "as is" or not at all. It was a tough decision and one that we didn't come to easily.

Ultimately, I decided that his comments were so extremely hilarious that I had no choice but to embarrass myself for the sake of humor. So here they are. His comments... in their entirety. I'll let you read them and then I'll tell you my favorite parts:

I have a hard time deciding where to begin. First of all, this guy wants to beat me up. Tell me that's not the funniest thing you've ever heard. This guy leaves at least a dozen anonymous comments calling us names, but once we figure out who he is and confront him... all of a sudden he wants a piece of us. Not just me, either. Jonathan Thomas Martin: Supermodel wants me to bring all of my 22 year old roomies and he wants to bring his Supermodel posse and meet us at the flagpole after school.

Jake and I were laughing our butts off at the idea of emailing Jonathan Thomas Martin: Supermodel and saying, "Meet at Sizzler on 21st South and 13th East at 8pm... if you dare..." Then Jake and I could be inside enjoying our Steak, Shrimp, and Shrimp while watching these fruitcakes hanging out by the trunk of their car for two hours waiting for us.

I love my life.


ps This was awesome, as well.

pps If our Facebook account gets deleted again... now you know why... and it was totally worth it. Look for us, though. We'll be back.


Samantha said...

I wonder how old this guy is

Rissy said...

I don't know what to say... I've said bitch a few hundred times... no regret here.
Im surprised at how long you held your tongue..

Heather Lee said...

Sorry, but he was kind of right about the whole blocking him before getting a reply thing.

*sigh* You boys. tsk tsk Always have to prove that you can kick each others asses. I think both of you (you and the Supermodel) need to grow up.

Erika @ Oops! I Craft My Pants! said...

I'm dying.
Seriously. Dying.
For more than one reason.

Number one, I went on JTM's Facebook and was completely filled with joy. First, I found out that he graduated in '01 and is single. Ummm, single in Utah County (I assume he's from UC because he graduated from UVU in '08. This little bit of info leads me to believe that he's a complete loser (I know, I could have gathered that from his "ass-hat" comment, but still)
Another thing I found on his lovely facebook was his amazing list of blogs he writes on the side of his page. Haikucinema? LOVE IT. I especially love the poem he wrote about Home Alone.

"Little Chi-town brat
Left home by rich family
Brings down wet bandits"

What a creative old man. Serious skills there. Serious.

The second thing that makes me allllmost die with laughter is the comments you guys get telling you to grow up. A little piece of me glows with joy everytime I see that comment.

I think the WORST comment you guys could ever get would be a combination of Jon's comment and their comment.

Grow up, you ass hat.

Kristin Lee said...

This cracks me up. I love you guys.

Stacie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kate Weber said...

This is officially awesome. The image of you guys eating inside the restaurant while they hang out in the parking lot was especially hilarious.

I have a tendency to skip ahead when I read if there is something that stands out. I read the "haha I got your facebook account deleted" comment and went to check if you were still around. It was a relief that you were.

Courtney said...

I'm not sure why someone would be proud of the fact that they are a 26 or 27 year old bachelor. It something you have to work for, seriously? Why would you work toward being single? Especially if you're LDS. And live in Utah. Bit oxymoronic if you ask me. This guy sounds like a douche. Can't wait until he comments when he sees this post. :)

Anonymous said...

Wow. Just wow. this is FUNNY. I've called you guys out on being d-bags before, but I do it in a man-to-man fashion.

People like this guy, I FEED upon their hatred. It's just, well, FUNNY. Look at his writing, doesn't it just crack you up?

People who want to "throw down" are clearly some of the stupidest individuals on earth. that's just not how problems get solved.

let him have his pathetic little vendetta. wannabe pretty-boys never follow through anyways. all talk, no balls.

cheers Calvin. I suggest you just leave it alone now, he's probably desperate for your attention and a minute in the limelight.

singlemormonchick said...

the term "ass hat" is so ridiculous. it reminds me of that drunk jerk who kept calling lindsay lohan "fire crotch". its just so stupid. i think you guys should go kick his ass, then blog about it in detail. i know i am supposed to be all mature, but i think a big ole can of whup ass is the only think that is going to cure this guy.

Lindy said...

Niiiiice. Definitely had to go look this dude up on twitter/facebook/blogspot and see if he was for real. He looks like a winner if ever I've seen one.

Nikki said...

Dude was a cashier at Abercrombie and BITCH...that is all I need to know. Jonathon is a queen bitch and probably uses product. You can take him. Call me I could probably waste him by myself. Freaking metro-homo.

Nikki said...


Katie said... Thanks for my daily dose of humor.

Rissy said...

bahhahaha Nikki said she'd "waste" him. That's fantastic

Jade said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Dude, I dated that guy!

Crystal said...

Geez, I won't dwell on the fact that he is a "loser" according to your commenters for being single at the age of 26 because I completely disagree. Then again I'm not Mormon so I think my being single at 26 is less of a big deal in my world.
BUT, that would also imply I'm defending him and I'm not because he sounds ridiculous. The term ass-hat is freaking insane. Really? That's all you've got?

Don't worry about calling him a bitch, some dude walked past me at Walmart today and muttered under his breath "Get the f*ck out of the way" and I turned around and started yelling back at him calling him a pussy. So yeah...I'm real mature too.

Laura said...

Ha! What a fag! That was entertaining...

Waiting in the Wilderness said...

All of this is so ridiculous. I am not sure why, but it is leading me to actually put your button on my blog now. It irritates me they were so rude to you guys! Although my #1 Deal Breaker is "Has a twitter account" I guess I am team MBP, whether I like it or not. ;-)

Little Miss Paige said...

I was wondering why your old facebook disappeared. Good to know.

Bonnie said...



Grow up, you're worse than J and C

The Lady Girl said...

I'd say you and Mr. Supermodel are very immature. with you provoking him and he wanting to fight (lame). I doubt he seriously wants to fight you...expose you, yes. I feel like I am now reading a blog about a moody spiteful tween age girl in don't want to pull that card.

The Lady Girl said...

oh yeah and the fact that he said he wants to throw know he's old, stuck in his ways...and he thinks it's seriously so cool to say "throw down" like he is some WWF wrestler or something. Supermodel gonna put the smack down on you! uhhgggg.

Mary said...

bahaha. thank you for blogging about this.
my favorite part of the comments: "ive been a bachelor since before you graduated high school!"

Anonymous said...

I think my favorite part was where he said, "I've been a ... bachelor since before you left high school." Hee hee. AND the fact that he and his mormon bachelor "crew" is ready to take you out. And having a lot of "beef" ... is that compliment or an insult? ;)

Elizabeth Downie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andee said...

reading this made my entire night.

Thank you for that guys.
Thank you.

Belo Prado said...

I've been commenting a lot lately, but I cannot resist. This guy's a queer! Flat out! hahaha! Honestly, the girls photography speaks for itself, tell her to quit cryin' and grow up, and get her fagget model off everyones case.

Jessica said...

A) Dude needs to start wearing sunscreen. His face is starting to resemble cowhide.

B) His haircut is ridonkulous. Douchetastic. Douchey McDoucherson. HILARIOUS. Asshatastic.

C) Challenging anonymous internet dudes to meet in person to settle internet squabbles... just laughable. Keep trolling him in my opinion.

D) He looks 40. And is still single. That says something, Mormon or not Mormon.

Becca said...

Actually, Johnny's a great guy. A guy that good looking can choose to be single without any help.

Any one who knows Johnny knows that's his personality - he's quirky, which is something that is so loveable about him.

True, I am a friend of his, but am no means part of his crew. He's a great guy that any of you would be lucky to be friends with. He is loyal to a fault.

Little Debi said...

Pshhhh who is facebook to decide that that wasn't your real name?

I'm totally naming my kid Mormon Bachelor Pad (or Bachelorette if it's a girl).

Suck it Facebook.

Verity Kae said...

ASS HATS! HAHAHAH! Poor single supermodel. I'd use the term ass hats, too, if I was a single grandpappy in Utah!

Bluebell said...

Now I want to see what this "supermodel" looks like but I am too lame to find his twitter/facebook. Anyone have a link? When I googled this came up:

Is he Mr. April? Classy!

Erika @ Oops! I Craft My Pants! said...

Becca, you honestly think he's "that good looking"? Honestly?

Personally, I can't see past his greasy hair on his Twitter page.

Drake said...

The internet brings out the most petty side of humanity.

Lacey said...

I love how he says you guys are hiding behind your internet wall when he started all of this with mulitple ANONYMOUS comments. Get a clue, loser.

Elizabeth Downie said...

I agree, Drake. Hiding behind anonymity makes it too easy to mock other people.

Brad: Mormon SL,UT said...

ha ha ha ha!!!! i've been a mormon bachelor since before mr. supermodel and i'm not especially proud of it! this is awesome- what a tool!

Anonymous said...

This whole thing reads like a sequel to Zoolander.

Anonymous said...

You and all of your commenters sound like some high school kids who are making fun of someone who isn't "cool" enough for them.
I'm glad the "popular group" has found a forum even after high school to make fun of others, and make themselves feel so much better than everyone else.
Sorry that I haven't taken the time yet to check out his profile so that I can find things to make fun of him for, like everyone else seems to have, but you are a pussy for e-mailing him and then blocking him.
Unless you are actually in high school, it is time to grow up people.

Anonymous said...

Interesting, another commenter who hides behind anonymity and bashes everyone. You're pretty sad for not at least coming forward.

I don't make fun of him for something he can't change, most comments just note that he was a douche. Calvin already admitted it was lame to send him a message and block him, so good job with pointing out something that's already been admitted.

Elena said...

I have 2 blogs. A small one where I write about myself and my family and a Twilight blog (it's ok, you can laugh. a Twilight blog is laughable at best) that gets upwards of 20,000 hits a day. And NOTHING bugs me more than the people who write rude comments and hide behind being anonymous. It's cowardly.

On a completely different note, I'm still cracking up about the deal breaker post. I thought it was hysterical and I'm not even Mormon.

Annie Citrine said...

Bahaha! Really? So not gonna lie, I looked him up and I found this picture..!/photo.php?pid=3457371&id=86164073432&fbid=329592243432

oh heavens. Hilarious. he is going to rape this girl. I agree with you, Calvin. This guys a douche.

Also, he's REALLY not that attractive at all.

Erika @ Oops! I Craft My Pants! said...

Anonymous, you are so right. I comment on MBP because it makes me feel sooo much better than some random guy. How did you know?

I'm so ~*~kewl~*~ okay?

Jessica said...

Did someone say Zoolander already?
Derek Zoolander: What say we settle this on the runway... Han-Solo?
Hansel: Are you challenging me to a walk-off... Boo-Lander?

That Jonathan dude is mega creepy and that's why he's a geriatric Mormon bachelor.

Hank said...

I never knew it was such a damning thing to be a 27 year old bachelor.

The Lady Girl said...

By writing about mr. supermodel, I bet he got a lot of traffic on his blogs. Will you guys write a negative post devoted to me so that I can get more traffic on my blog?
Think about it.....

Anonymous said...

OH MY HELL! I love this. I pretty much love every post you MBP guys do but THIS was Ah-mazing. I looked at the pic Annie Citrine found and laughed till I cried.

Dear Jonathan Thomas Martin| Supermodel.... The only guy who can get away with that mywholenameasmysignature shiz WAS Jonathon Taylor Thomas when he was on Home Improvement. You are not now nor will you ever be attractive enough to make that name work for ya.

With love... Reality.

p.s. Ass-hats? I would hope that someone so model-icious would be able to come up with a better insult. *also* Calvin... This guy may have not started out as a bitch but with the verbal smackdown and TKO you gave to him, you DEFINITELY made him your bitch by the time the fight had been had.

- B

Drake said...

@Hank: Welcome to Utah valley culture. If you're not married by the time you're 25, you're a menace to society.

Unfortunately, this tends to lead to very short courtship periods as both feel the cultural pressure to get married and get into a 'set a date before we fornicate' mentality.

Its funny, I was just listening to the Stuff You Should Know podcast about the Amish and they were talking about how studies have shown that longer courtship leads to a more stable, healthy marriage. General authorities have said the same thing for years ("long courtship, short engagement"), but sometimes the advice falls on deaf ears.

Anonymous said...

I love how this is turning into all people that anonymously comment are pussies. Are you kidding me? Calvin and Jake are the kings of anonymonity, so all you little groupies are freaking retarded for even going there. I have a blog, but like hell if I am going to post a comment with a link to my personal blog. Unlike some of you, there are people out there who keep a blog to stay in touch with family and friends, not to air their dirty laundry! Also, this guy does sound like a major douche, and I will admit I laughed at the whole "bitch" thing, but can you really say you didn't provoke him? He started it, but you kept it going.
Yes, I am posting anonymously. Bring it on!

Nate said...

Yeah, his comments were pretty lame. I guess the only thing lamer would be spending time, effort, and electrons searching him out when he was using anonymity just as you guys are for no better reason than to call him a bitch after three months of silence over a matter that should have been closed by now. You guys sure you are out of high school?

You probably should have let Jake talk some sense into you before this, Calvin.

Nate said...

I seriously thought of George Costanza and his delayed comeback lines when I read this post. Three months and the best you could come up with was an email with "Bitch" in the subject line?

"The jerk store called, and they're all out of you!"

Bonnie said...

What no supermodel comeback posts???

bd said...

"Jake told me later that he didn't really even know how to talk or respond to an "embarrassed Calvin". He'd never done it before and he was speechless."

My favorite part.

Anonymous said...

Johnny is so stupid and a typical supermodel "LDS" boy. I will admit i used to be friends with my darker days of not really doing the church thing. I woke up one morning and realized...these are the douches I'm giving up so much for...

Have you seen this or have you heard of it?

I remember when he was telling me about this calendar idea i just started to laugh, in my head of course. Now About Abbie, the photographer. I am also a fashion photographer and some of my "Model" friends LOVE her work. Me on the other hand, not to crazy about it. Also she's also kinda a bitch. Yes, I have meet her.

He's also made a porn movie in one of my closet friends houses. With out her knowing it. She was in Miami with her husband doing sells and let some friends stay in her house for the summer.

He's super inconsiderate and really is all about himself.

Thank you for the laugh. This made my month!!!!

I'm posting anonymous cause I really don't want him to find out whom I am. I know i am a super big coward. I still keep in touch with some of those friends and I just don't wanna get in trouble. Not that I see any of them too offen, I now live in Texas now.

Janet said...

You should be embarrassed Calvin. What you did was very childish and not far from different from supermodel. I wonder what your response will be we he figured out who you are?

There are a lot of people out there trying to figure out who you are.

Be careful posts like this prove you're not as smart as you think you are.

Amber Forman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bd said...

Hey "bd" @ 9:06 AM:

Get your own call sign... I've been using bd for several months now on this blog.

Also, I'm not ashamed to admit that I think that "ass hat" is an awesome insult. I'm totally stealing it.

That being said, Jonathan Taylor Thomas Martin: Supermodel- you sir are an ass hat. Oh, and Calvin- you are kind of an ass purse (or ass shoe if you prefer).

-the real bd

Lachele said...

ummm, I think it's funny that everyone expected more from Calvin. Ha this has Cal written all over it. Nice work, doing before thinking AGAIN! If he didn't do stupid crap like this then we wouldn't have anything to read. Keep it up:)

not a coward said...

This was so funny!

I totally thought of zoolander too when I read this. If you haven't seen the movie look it up on youtube and you will see the resemblance.

Calvin - calling him a "bitch" was freaking hilarious and only confirms my suspicions that you are gay!

p.s. I get so tired of people bashing anonymous commenters and calling them cowards! Most people on the internet remain anonymous by using a fake picture or fake name - including the writers of this blog. Sorry I didn't take the time to make a fake profile, that doesn't make me a coward!

Brynn said...

I'm sure a lot of people are liking this post (I don't know I didn't want to read the comments), but honestly.

This post is way stupid. Both of you are pathetic (both Calvin and Jonathan). Calvin, don't act innocent about the fact that he wants to fight you.. you egged him on. But, who cares. It's all really dumb.

I'm done with your blog. Peace.

Sarah Garner said...

BAHAHAHAH that's hilarious.
He obviously has nothing better to do than give you guys crap.

If Abbie was so worried about her reputation she shouldn't act like that - everything you say to any client could end up public - that's just the way it is. I doubt she cares as much as he does.

You should challenge him to a Zoolander-esque walk off.

Kate said...

I LOVE IT. HILARIOUS. Thanks for making my day. Jonathan is a douche.

Anonymous said...

This post is weird. It seems really odd that you guys would be okay with using someone's real name and writing a post about them. I almost feel like you are promoting him or something. Except for that you are bashing him and making yourselves look pretty ridiculous too... I can't really explain it, and I'm not judging or anything, but it just seems like this post is out-of-character for you guys and makes me tilt my head and say, "Is this for real?"

Rachel said...

Bahahahahaha! If you can't tell, I'm laughing.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, this is an anonymous post, because you're no better. Why should I give you the satisfaction of a name when you can't give me one?

Not ONCE has your blog reminded me of ANYTHING remotely Christlike, moral, or kind. Ever. I see nothing resembling the docterine and core beliefs that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is based upon here. You could get rid of the word "mormon" altogether, at least you wouldn't be dragging down an entire religion's reputation with you.

Don't you get it? When people google "mormon," this blog has the possibility of popping up in a cache search. Do you like that? Do you like that this immature, twisted, and contorted reflection of your faith is put out there for people to see? Do you know just how detrimental this can be to a church investigator from the outside looking in, or a hurt church member teetering on the edge of inactivity? Nice missionary work. Bravo.

Imagine having investigators from your own mission reading this blog. What would they say? What would they think? How would they feel if they knew that YOU were the author? Can you participate in something that would cost you the respect of the meaningful people in your lives?

This hurts my opinion of church members. This speaks poorly of missionaries who have "returned with honor." This goes against everything that you supposedly served two years of your lives for. You haven't enlightened people on mormonism, you've mutilated it, deformed it. Twisted and perverted it to serve your own selfish purposes.

You attend church in white shirts and listen to lessons of kindness, forgiveness, turning the other cheek, being humble and without malice. Yet you return home to your computer to defame and slander others publicly from under your guise of righteousness. A true wolf in sheep's clothing.

I've seen people be excommunicated for things along this fine line. That's not a threat, it's an observation. In this day and age, and in as small a place as mormon culture, do you really consider your identity's protection to be iron clad? Because if it's not, we're not talking about small claims court, we're talking about disfellowship. Is this worth it? Is a few internet hits a day REALLY worth those kinds of consequences?

At the end of the day, it isn't my opinion that matters. I'll continue on trying to give this human race the benefit of the doubt, but I am reminded of a Johnny Cash song:

"You may throw your rock and hide your hand,
Workin' in the dark against your fellow man.
But as sure as God made black and white,
What's done in the dark will be brought to the light."

It's not my opinion that matters, nor any other man's. There is only one judge for this, and He's collecting his evidence for your case moment to moment.

"I'm disappointed in you" are the most heartbreaking words I've ever heard from my parents. I couldn't imagine my mortal father finding out that I was creating something like this, let alone my heavenly one. But, that's just me.

To each his own, I suppose.

JohnnyMartin said...

Okay... now I'm back, and replying as promised. All I ask is that you post it on the comments this time.

Let's recap:
1. I did not post those anonymous posts. You really did get the wrong guy. I'm sorry, but you did. Obviously, the term "asshat" isn't as unpopular as you think it is.
2. I definitely did post what I said on twitter. I stand by it, and I will. You defamed my friend Abbie, and I will stand up for them... with name attached.
3. I did not get your facebook deleted. I had no idea you guys even had one. Hence my confusion who you were when you wrote me. It wasn't until asshat, and I saw the names, that it made sense.
4. Believe what you will, but that's the truth.

Okay, so that covers the main points.

Now, gentleman, how long do you think you can remain anonymous for? FYI, I served in tbe British Isles, so I know exactly the terminology you use in your posts. The word "snog". Yeah, that's something missionaries from our parts pick up. So I know the Ireland stuff isn't made up. Whether you actually served in Ireland is another issue, but whatever. A simple phone call can reveal all the names of those who went home between the periods you claim. That's all I'll say. Not that hard guys.


Someone in here brought up the porno subject. I never made porn. The idea is laughable. What DID occur was this, so that you all know. I made a short film, making fun of "bros" and "douchebags"... something I've been colorfully called in this forum. The film was called "Ass Pirates from Beyond the Grave." Want to see it? Go look it up on youtube. It's there. And it will remain there because guess what? It's not porn. Gasp! Its actually a social commentary about users who use women to date rape or take advantage of them, but instead get raped by zombie pirates. Its a very common theme in Provo these days. Its a harsh commentary, and a bit extreme, but a true one.

As for the people in Miami. I actually had permission to film in their house from the tenants. Ironically, the owners of the home were braking Provo law by not having a contract for these tenants, but were instead taking payments under the table. In Provo, you must by law have a contract with any tenant. If discovered, you can actually face prison and eviction. Somehow, it all turned into porn being made in their house. Whatever.

Amazing how people come up with stories to make themselves look better, isn't it?

Let's see. Anything else? Oh yes. One, people have definitely misjudged me, but that's okay. I'm going to personally apologize to every single one of you for being a "douche". Or as one girl called me, a "fag".

Two, I never once called myself a supermodel, unless in jest. Just making that clear for the record.

Three, yes I was Mr. April. I don't regret it at all. I regret more what it became. This is a whole other issue, but when I actually did it, believe it or not, I did missionary work all over the world again. It was great. I was on MSNBC, FOX NEWS, newspapers, rolling stone, and more. And I did nothing but promote the church.

Finally, I am a man who uses colorful language. I am a man who does not back down from a challenge. I am a man who does make mistakes, and I will make more mistakes. I am also a man who will do many good things, has done good things, and will find more good things to do.

But most importantly, I stand by what I believe in. What do I believe in? I believe in the Church. I believe in treating women with respect. I believe in my friends. I believe in cereal with toys inside.

JohnnyMartin said...

Did you guys not post my first comment? Come on! I really hope that was the internet connection not sending it through.

Basically, to catch everybody up to speed, I promised that I would write back all the women (not a lot of guys post here) who responded negatively to me, apologizing to each and everyone that I could. I think I've done that now. I won't do it again, but I did it all for all of you.

I also explained that I did not post anything anonymously from the Abbie saga. You guys here got the wrong guy. I'm sorry, but you did.

I also did not even know you had a facebook. So I did not get that deleted as well. So that's two strikes guys. You still need to find your culprit, and I can understand that it busted your chaps, but its not me. Sorry.

Obviously the word ass hat is more common than you realize. Yes, I did do the twitter post. Yes, I definitely left those comments for you that you blogged about... which, uh, didn't I say you would probably do? Yep, so this doesn't come with much surprise gentleman.

That anonymous photographer person who lives in Texas now. I'd seriously like to see you stop making up stories too. Its weak. I bet you do know me, or at least think you do. I don't like that you give off the perception I'm evil. Very sly, very clever. But whatever. Not everyone is going to like everyone.

Now, I don't need to go off making friends. I think I've done my part by apologizing. But seriously, ladies? Do we really have to resort to name calling and bashing someone you don't even know? I ask what have the MBP boys ever done for you, personally? Do you know them, or do you think you know them? Consider what your priorities are. Its not becoming to see people write such nasty and negative things about someone they don't know.

What the MBP and I are dealing with is a few things: One, mistaken identity. They have mistook the anonymous poster and facebook hacker with me. That's a fact. Two, I definitely did post the stuff on twitter and those comments. Another fact. Three, I said what I said because they mocked and ridiculed a friend of mine. Would you not do the same?

Often times, when we look in the mirror, we fail to see the true reflection that is in it. If MBP is in fact a reflection of who we are and what you are, then that is sad indeed. If it is not, consider ourselves lucky.

Now, let's look past this whole thing. Because guys, seriously, if I really wanted to, I could find out who you were. But that would just spoil the fun now wouldn't it.

Finally... the supermodel thing. Funny stuff. Not sure where I ever said that about myself, I get the joke. Good laugh. But seriously, ten fold? I never said that one either.

I hope you find your guy. I really do. But next time, why don't you not use his full name. There are some who would call that defamation.

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:53, I couldn't agree with you more! Especially about commenting anonymously. It's like a double standard for people to think that we have no right to comment anonymously on an anonymous blog. Stupid. I fear for these boys. I'm not afraid that they will get found out, I am more afraid that they do not see the harm in using the church to gain popularity. Sad. It's only a matter of time until they get found out. They don't strike me as the sharpest tools in the shed, so they will probably end up incriminating themselves.

Heather Guymon said...

I say bitch all the time...mostly in reference to myself but meh...that's how it goes.

Ass hats; now THAT'S a new one I need to start using. My husband will be so proud.

brie said...

so i missed all this photography business in november cuz that's when K passed and i kind of like, decided to stop living.


this dude is a dick. and that makes me laugh, mostly because nobody is taking the guy seriously.


since i've been a professional model for many years, i can tell you that male models are ALL losers. seriously, almost exclusively. i pry know the guy!

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm ready for the next target. Who do you want us to all mock now? Cause you know we are all stupid followers who will make fun of anyone you want us to. Whether we know them or not.

Tell me its going to be someone good. Some girl who didn't want to go on a date with you, or a guy who had to come home early from his mission. Maybe some 28 yr old unmarried girl you know of. I know, there have to be some people maybe in your ward who have a drug addicted teenage kid. That would be perfect.

Come on boys, who else are we going to publicly humiliate and shun from our community? Everyone's waiting.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jonny - I don't care what they say about ya, you seem like a pretty cool dude!

OMG said...

I don't care if you're Mormon or not, this whole thing is so offensive and cruel!!!!

common sense said...

Calvin, I can't believe I am about to say what I am about to say....

but... should have listened to Jake on this one.

Waiting in the Wilderness said...

c and j, I feel bad now and I didnt even say anything mean! Do you feel at all sheepish? "sheepish" haha

singlemormonchick said...

he posted a comment on my blog and apologized. not sure where i stand on this anymore. kind of seems like an episode of punk'd or something.

bd said...

Johnny Martin- it is now clear that I am the ass-hat. You seem like a nice guy. My sincere apologies. -bd

Nicole said...

I would think an attack like this would only come from an angry girl, I had no clue it was in you guys to not only piss of girls but also male models. This just made my day!

Nicole said...

Just looked him up on good old facebook. I sure want to meet this guy one day and ask him why of all terms he could use to describe you, he chose "ass-hat"...

Anonymous said...

And somehow "jonathan thomas martin: supermodel" was used to get to my blog.

How odd.

PaigeE said...

I was driving down the freeway and found myself calling some guy an "ass hat". I could not remember where I would get such an insult and then it came to me. . .MBP. Man, that was a good drive home.

Oh Come On said...

Oh wow why do I not feel bad about about Calvin and Jake and many commentors laying into model boy. Maybe because I really feel like anonymous and model boy are still the same person. His very very very long comment seems like the perfect way to back pedal. Just my opinion. And PS if the photographer friend was really upset by what happened she should have stood up for herself. Come on grow up and fight your own fights.

Anonymous said...

lmao, he looks like a fag. And super model? lmao what kind of super model is based out of Utah County. He looks like he's trying to be Zoolander or something.