Monday, November 30, 2009

Final Make-out (and Mormon Orgy)

You might be wondering what's going on with Tori. She hasn't been a blog post topic for at least a week, and to be honest... I was starting to forget about her, myself. In fact, I may have simply abandoned her if she wasn't always texting me. It was tempting to just start ignoring her texts and phone calls like I usually do when I'm done with a girl. I was thinking the other day about how girls always seem to think a guy is a jerk when he ends a relationship, regardless of how he does it.

If I were to avoid her, then I'd be a jerk for not being honest with her. However, if I was honest with her and told her I found her irritating, immature, and snotty... and the only reason I dated her for so long is because she was hot, a cheerleader, and more popular than I could ever hope to be and I was secretly hoping that her popularity would rub off on me kinda like in that movie Can't Buy Me Love starring that guy from Grey's Anatomy who everyone thinks is hot, but in reality he's just a dweeb who looks good in scrubs and/or a tuxedo like Spencer in that episode of iCarly when he dated that girl who only liked him when he was in the tux... well, then I'd STILL be a jerk. Except maybe in the second scenario she'd think, "Wow. He's still a jerk, but at least he was honest and used pop culture references to help me to understand what he was trying to say through creative illustration, and it also helped to make me feel better about his brutal honesty."

Tori invited me over on Friday night to watch ELF. I was pretty excited because I really dig Zooey and I figured I could probably roll around with Tori one final time before I ended things... either formally or abstractly. I briefly thought about waiting until the "built in relationship expiration date", but then I realized I'd have to date her through Christmas (I'd have to buy her a gift $) and then I'd pretty much have to spend New Year's with her (and all of her gay guy friends) and then I'd have to give her a farewell gift ($) and maybe take some time off of work to go to the airport with her and her family. Sigh. Way too much work.

I was looking forward to our last make out. I was actually looking forward to it more because she would have no idea that it was our last make out... but I would. I was going to be able to enjoy it on a totally different level.

When I got to her house, her younger brother let me in again and sent me downstairs. I could smell popcorn and I could hear that the movie was already on. I was a little disappointed because I figured her family was going to be in the same room with us the whole time. As I entered the basement I was shocked at what I saw. Now... three days later, I wish like crazy I'd have taken a photo of what I was witnessing. It was dimly lit and I don't think any of you would have been able to see anyone's face. I wish I would have taken the photo so I could have uploaded it. But I didn't.

I'll do my best to describe it. All of the couches had been moved to the outside of the room. In the center of the room were about 6 beanbags, dozens of pillows and blankets, 8 guys and 5 girls in the most absurd and ridiculous looking group cuddle session in the history of the world. I couldn't tell where one person ended and the next person began. I saw arm tickling, back rubbing, hair playing, spooning, and pretty much every other moral and chaste type of touching and caressing possible. I couldn't even see Tori. It was too dark and the TV was too loud for anyone to be talking. I thought about leaving, but again... I was too curious. I sat down by myself on the love seat and watched this cuddle group for about 15 minutes. It was honestly the most bizarre thing I've ever seen. All of the years I was in junior high and high school, I was totally oblivious to the fact that cheerleaders, jocks and any other popular or attractive people did this sort of thing on the weekends. It blew my mind.

As I sat there on the sidelines, not only was I in awe... I slowly became angry. Pissed off was more like it. Eventually, I left. Just as I got to my truck I heard the front door open and Tori ran out to talk to me. She apologized profusely, claiming she didn't even know I had arrived and wasn't aware of my presence until she saw me get up to leave. I kind of wanted to believe her, but then I remembered the seating arrangements on our spelunking date and all of the other selfish crap she's been pulling since we started dating a month ago.

I tried to keep our conversation civil... you know... since she's my dad's receptionist, but it was really hard. I told her exactly how stupid and immature she was around her friends. She got pretty defensive. She explained (again) about how she's been friends with these guys for "decades". I almost corrected her since she's hasn't even been alive for "decades". Only a decade and 4/5ths... but I didn't. Tori told me how she's flirty by nature, but promised me that she only kisses "one guy at a time". She said that I was the only guy she kisses... currently. She promised me that all of the other guys are only her friends.

It was very refreshing to hear that reassurance... if I chose to believe it. It was at that point that I decided to stop escalating the situation. I figured I could pretend she had convinced me and then just avoid her... like I was so good at. I told her that I understood where she was coming from. Then she said, "So you're not mad at me?" I said, "Of course not, Tori." But then she got this weird look on her face and said, "Then why did you look to the right?"

Things get kind of blurry at this point. I remember telling her that she wasn't a human lie detector and that saying stuff like that just made her look like even more of a moron than she really was. I think she could have taken that as a compliment. I mean, I was kind of saying that she really isn't as moronic as she seems sometimes.

She started crying at one point... so I got in my truck and drove away. So much for the much anticipated final make out. Blast!


Friday, November 27, 2009

Black Friday

Another of the many side effects we just weren't smart enough to plan on from writing this blog is the questions we would receive about our beliefs and church doctrine. We do our best to respond to every email we get, though we in no way consider ourselves a better source of information then say ones own Bishop, home teachers, the scriptures, or the local missionaries. So because it's Thanksgiving weekend, and I will be too busy eating, sleeping and helping my Sisters implement their early morning Black Friday shopping strategies, to be able to get on the computer and post sommit. I have scheduled this post for today, which is one of the more interesting Q&A's we've gotten:

Dear Jake and Calvin,

I have a question for my favorite bloggers. I'm really disturbed by something my mom and I have been talking about, and I'm hoping to get your take on it. I have a date with a guy this Saturday. Nice guy, returned missionary, college graduate, and etc. good qualities. Oh, and he's black, while I happen to be white. Upon telling my mom this, she looked like she was going to pass out. Then she told me three facts:

1. I should cancel because this will literally make my grandparent's sick (my grandparent's already happen to be quite ill, so I take it that if they get anymore sick, they might die. Great, I'm responsible for killing my grandparents)
2. White guys who find out I dated a black guy, will never consider dating me.
3. The church has counseled us to date within our race.

Soooo, what should I do? I personally don't have a problem dating someone who is a different color than me. Assuming you guys are white, would you have a problem dating a girl, knowing she had previously dated a black guy? I think these facts my mom gave me are BS but, I would love your opinions.




Sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. Did you go on your date or not?

In this email I am going to refer to you as "Cherry" and the black guy you hopefully went out with as "Roger". Here are my thoughts on your Moms "facts":

1. I should cancel because this will literally make my grandparent's sick (my grandparent's already happen to be quite ill, so I take it that if they get anymore sick, they might die. Great, I'm responsible for killing my grandparents)
I'm sorry to hear that your grandparents might literally die from the sickness they will feel about you dating a black guy added on to how sick they already are. Racism is a deep routed prejudice that is easy for people to latch onto. Those of older generations grew up in a much different world then the one we live in now. My grandpa was the most racist person I ever met. He was a carpenter and used to walk around joking that his "...hammer had killed 14 niggers, 7 Jews, and one Nazi but only because I killed all the other Nazi's with my gun." My Grandpa was a good man, a priesthood holder, a Sunday School teacher (and no, he never really killed anybody). He was a good kind and caring man, that joke is an extreme example, but he really did think differently of people solely because of their skin color. That's how he was raised. Living his whole life in Utah he was seldom faced with an opportunity to get to know other races. He did serve his mission in Cincinnati and baptized a black man, whose family still belongs to the church. Grandpa referred this guy as "the only decent black he ever met." Definitely not the right or a righteous perception and I am not sticking up for Gramps, just because there is a reason doesn't make it an excuse.
Two years before Grandpa passed away my cousin adopted a little black baby. Grandpa's initial reaction was terrible (what else would you expect from an old racist). However after he met and got to know the baby, he fell in love with the little guy. His lifetime of ignorant hatred was finally challenged and he had a decision to make. Like any adult child of God he had his free agency, and chose to set his lifetime of racism aside and to accept and love this grandchild like any of his other little honky grandkids.
Your grandparents disapproval of you dating a black guy is not right. They are like any other child of God, given the agency to choose right from wrong. If you do date Roger then hopefully they will be able to see past their bigotry. If not, and they die, they died because they were old, sick, and racist... none of those are your fault. When you get to the spirit world you and your grandparents will likely sit around laughing about the whole thing.

2. White guys who find out I dated a black guy, will never consider dating me.
Maybe when your mom went to High School and Journey was the number one band in America, the white guys around her thought like this. I do not, Calvin does not, and none of our other roommates do either. I have never heard any guy say that "She dated a black guy." was one of the red flags he was considering dumping or not dating her for. This may be a bit different depending on where you live. I'll admit I don't know everything about every community in America. There are certainly still places where young white men are racist and would judge you negatively for associating with known blacks. However, in most communities, even in the predominately white bubble that folks live in in Utah, this is not the case.
It is 2009, 46 years since Martin Luther King yelled out "I have a dream", most people are in fact, living in the now. Most, good educated white men are not racist. If a guy would not consider dating you because you had dated a black man, then that guy is racist and ignorant. Whether or not that's his fault, I would submit that if what your Mom says is true, and I'm just walking around the world with rose colored glasses on, then you wouldn't want to date him anyway. Who wants to date a racist. Not you right? So then by default this question cancels itself out. Problem solved.

3. The church has counseled us to date within our race.
I hate it when I hear this, only because it is so wrongly represented by most people when they say it. I am probably as white as they come. Thank goodness I grew up in a predominately black and asian community. My first kiss was a black girl, my first 10 crushes weren't white. I am extremely attracted to dark skinned and ethnic women. So this topic is one I have taken some interest in, especially when I became old enough to date and my Dad tried to pull the same "counseled against" line on me.
It is well documented that mixing races in our American society can even today bring ostracism, non-acceptance, prejudice, rancor, even persecution, if it wasn't that way, you wouldn't be asking and I wouldn't be answering this question. These feelings do not die easily and are passed-on generation after generation. Not only do the mixed parents face social road blocks, but their children who are neither black nor white, (but make some really sexy actors and actresses) even more so, could be the object of this misplaced ridicule. It is not just black and white, it could be any mixture of any set of races.
The Church does not prohibit inter-racial marriages or dating. There is no doctrinal basis for that statement. Also, any council about inter-race relationship that I can find, when taken in context, are referring to cultural differences and NOT the pigmentation of anyone's skin. That being said the Brethren have counseled that successful marriage is most likely to occur when the participants are of generally similar backgrounds.
So what am I saying? The leaders of our Church are very aware of the world in which we live. Marriage is one of the most important things that we will do in this life. With divorce rates rising it is evident that marriage is difficult. Marrying someone with different cultural backgrounds can add stress to marriage. So there is definitely logic in the idea that on a large scale marriage will be more difficult for couples with differing cultural beliefs and backgrounds than couples who do not have that issue added on top of all the other issues that make marriage hard. From what you wrote I don't think that is what your Mother had in mind when she informed you of her "facts".
A young black man that marries a young white woman who both grew up in the same town, with all of the same core beliefs and societal influences will most likely have an easier marriage than a white girl born and raised in New York City who marries a young white bull rider from a 100 population Wyoming town. Either persons race has zero to do with that. I'm rooting for both couples to have a long and happy marriage though.
So Cherry, the truth is, you do marry the people you date. Considering all aspects of a relationship should be foremost on your mind when choosing who to date. I think that caution is the appropriate attitude to take when dating anyone with a different background from yours, not immediate disqualification. Roger's cultural background has nothing to do with the color of his skin, it has to do with who he was raised by, where, and what they believed and taught him. If Roger is an African born and raised in Swahili, or an African-American raised in the deep south, or his parents were both top agents with Avon... his culteral background is likely very different from yours and you will want to think about the life you could be getting yourself into, but even then, none of those things are reasons that a couple can't have the happiest marriage on earth.
So (sorry to get long-winded) the Brethren, knowing that marriage is difficult on any level, even for couples of the same race and religion, know that adding all the societal, cultural, and ethnic ostracism on top of race will make it harder in this life. But only in this life. All races, mixed or not, when sealed in the holy temple, receive all the blessings of eternity, and not one less. Just know going into it that in the weakness and inadequacy of mankind eruptions of bigotry will occur.

Cherry, I definitely think that any guy who you can describe as "Nice guy, returned missionary, college graduate, and etc. good qualities." whether he's black, white, yellow, or blue deserves a date without prejudice. He probably also deserves a nice hug at least. Perhaps at some point some flirty leg touches too, I don't know, you be the judge.

Now, if he's ugly or stupid... well that's a completely different story. There are so many petty reasons to disqualify a prospective mate that doing it because he's "Black" is just silly. Notice also that "ugly" and "beautiful" are not racist, maybe your Mom and Grandparents shouldn't be either.


Here are a couple pertinent scriptures you can bust out if you need reinforcements, I mean they're only from The Book of Mormon, the keystone of our religion.

"[Jesus Christ] inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile" (2 Nephi 26:33).

"Behold, the Lord esteemeth all flesh in one; he that is righteous is favored of God." (1 Nephi 17:35)


Cherry reported that she did go out with Roger. He did receive a well deserved hug, and her Grandparents lived. Thank goodness.


Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving from MBP

I'm thankful to be Mormon:

Jake: Because no matter where I go, there's always more girls than guys... except for Elders Quorum.

Calvin: I love the sense of peace that comes with knowing I'm a member of this church. I heard somewhere that Mormon missionaries are the second most desired group of males in America... just behind Chip'n'Dale dancers. I assume it's because they're young and celibate. I think that makes them more desirable by default... you know... like a challenge or something. Maybe I'll put on a white shirt, tie and my old missionary name badge and just go to a dance club one of these days and see what happens.

I'm thankful that I'm a bachelor:

Jake: One day I'll be married. I'll live with a woman who will expect certain things from me. Right now as a bachelor, if I sleep on the couch with the TV turned up on top of a bag of frito's that I will most likely enjoy in the morning no one will have any issue with it. If I decide that rather than go to work or school, I want to call in sick so that I can study my opponent in Fantasy Football or play xbox for the better part of my morning that's okay. If I want to skip a day of showering, and just deal with the slight odor the deodorant just can't mask no one is going to say anything. In fact people seem to attach things like I just mentioned to the term "bachelor". It's like if there is ever a question like for example, "So you're saying that Jake grabbed that slice of pizza outta that box that has been on the floor in the corner for over a week and just started eating it?" Then the answer can always be, "Yep he sure did, but he is just a bachelor afterall."

Calvin: You know that saying "Good things come to those who wait?" I imagine that being the case with my future wife. If I got married right out of high school or if a girl waited for me while I was on my mission and I married her right when I got home, then I don't think I'd fully appreciate her. I think waiting for my wife, looking for my wife, praying for my wife, envisioning my wife... even dreaming about my wife, will make the pleasure and joy of FINDING my wife even better. That's why I'm thankful to be a bachelor. Because it's only temporary and I'm doing my best to enjoy whichever chapter of my life I'm currently living. I hope my future wife is praying for me right now. I hope she's praying that I can get all the girl smooching out of my system before we meet. I'm trying, honey. I'm trying.

I'm thankful to be living in a home commonly referred to as a "pad":

Jake: If it was called a "crib" well it would be harder for me to avoid the title of douche bag. If it was a "den" then it would automatically send off a "Jake is dull" vibe. If we called it the "cave" that would definitely give me an excuse to be even more of a slob, but... may give some girls the wrong idea. "Emporium" is too trendy. "Hacienda" is too politically incorrect. "Abode" is really hard for dyslexics to spell. I would really love to call it the Mormon Bachelor Arena... but that does stretch a bit outside the realm of "living quarters" and I would have to constantly explain it to everyone. So really I am thankful to be living in the "pad" because all the other options, really aren't... uh... options.

Calvin: I'm not quite the "social animal" that my roommates seem to be. I enjoy my alone time. I like to read... and that usually requires silence which is hard to come by. I don't like how people drink my milk and eat my food. I don't like how people park so close to me cause there isn't much parking around our house. I hate that people don't replace the toilet paper with a new roll when it gets low and I get stuck waddling out to the closet with my pants around my ankles about once a week. But I LOVE it when my roommates invite girls over to the house who I've never met. I LOVE the feeling of connecting with a cute girl. I LOVE walking by the door to our basement and seeing a tie draped around the doorknob, signifying that someone is in the basement and would rather not be disturbed. I LOVE that entire groups of girls randomly show up at our house at all hours of the day and feel comfortable walking in the house without knocking. I'm thankful for all of those things. I like our pad.

In closing, we'd like to remind you about our plans to mail out MBP Christmas cards this year and we hope you'll send us one in return. Just mail them to MBP, Salt Lake City, Utah 84102. We figure if Santa gets mail addressed to only "North Pole", then we should be ok, as well.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Tuesday Confessional

I was supposed to have my interview on Sunday with the bishop. I've been feeling guilty lately because of some physical stuff I did with Brittany. We didn't do anything I could get ex'd or even disfellowshipped for... but I still felt like I should talk to the bishop.

The conversation among roommates for most of Sunday morning revolved around my appointment. Everyone in our house is pretty familiar with Brittany and what we did. Lance has been hanging out with her lately, which shouldn't surprise me. At least he hasn't brought her over to our house or anything. That would be too awkward and I think he knows it. I don't consider him dating Brittany as a "bro's before hoe's" violation since we haven't dated for a couple of months. I would have appreciated it if he'd ran it by me first, though.

Aaron saw them making out in her car in front of our house last week. I haven't missed an opportunity to make fun of him for gobbling up my sloppy seconds. I also make sure to tell him regularly how she was a horrible kisser when I started dating her and I taught her everything she knows. Mostly I just want Lance to have no choice but imagine making out with me everytime he rolls around with Brittany. I want him to think, "Calvin probably told her to use her tongue like that" or "I wonder if Calvin taught her how to pinch a guys nipples."

Wow. How did I get off on that tangent? Anyway, since Lance is dating Brittany, everyone seems to know how far she and I went. As I was getting ready to go to my bishops appointment, Jake asked if I was nervous. I said, "Yeah. A little. Mostly because I'm not familiar with this bishop." Then Nick said, "When I'm confessing stuff to the bishop, I always like to assume that my bishop did the same stuff when he was younger. It makes me feel better." We all laughed nervously, but then Aaron said, "That's totally true. He seems like the type of guy who had his share of fun before he got married." It might seem a little dodgy, but it actually made me feel quite a bit better. It's like when people say, "When you have to speak in front of a crowd, just picture them all naked and you'll feel much more comfortable." The problem with that is I picture everyone naked all the time anyway, so it doesn't usually help me... especially in a church setting.

My Executive Secretary called me about 10 minutes before my interview and said the bishop had forgotten about a baby blessing he needed to attend in another ward and asked to reschedule our interview for last night. So I ended up being nervous for two more days.

When I got there last night, there was choir practice going on and there were several people playing basketball. I found myself sitting outside the bishops office with three other people, two guys and one girl. The bishop was behind schedule so I ended up having to wait for about 45 minutes. All three of the guys looked about as nervous as I was. They all appeared to be a year or two older than me, but it's hard to tell for sure. They were probably waiting to confess sexual transgressions, as well. I found myself looking forward to seeing whether they came out of the bishops office with red eyes... like they'd been crying. Then I wondered if I was going to cry. I thought that maybe if I was truly penitent, I'd probably need to muster up some tears while I was in there.

Then the girl started asking me questions. I gave her short answers at first, but then I figured out she was trying to flirt with me... outside the bishops office... right before my confession. She asked me where I worked. Even though she was ugly, I decided to give her a real answer. So I started explaining my job and some of the things I have to do on a daily basis. Then I said, "I thought I had pretty good job security, but then last week they decided to lay a few people off. I was worried for a day or two... but... eh... what do you do?" Immediately, this girl started talking about how she works for her dad in his landscaping business or something and how slow it is since it's so cold. I was baffled. Then I realized, she was answering my rhetorical question. When I said, "What do you do?" I meant it as, "There's nothing I can do about it." She thought I was asking her what she did for a living... like I'd actually care.

I spent the next five minutes ignoring her while silently fuming about how she had been ignoring me while I explained my job. She was just waiting for an opening to jump in and talk about herself. How sneaky. She has an ugly personality trait, as well. She's gonna have a rough time for the next dozen or so years.

Luckily, the bishop called me in while she was talking so I didn't have to keep listening. As I walked into the office, I noticed she was still talking...only she had switched who she was talking to, mid-sentence. She was now directing her employment explanation to one of the other guys.

The interview went well. I told him how my behavior was unbecoming of a returned missionary. He corrected me and said it had very little to do with being an RM and more to do with my having gone through the temple. True. Then he said something pretty profound. He said, "Calvin. What you did with Brittany wasn't bad. It wasn't bad at all. It was simply bad timing." He then explained how wonderful that sort of activity is as long as it's within the bounds of marriage. It was a pretty amazing lecture.

As I was laying in bed last night, I felt pretty good about my interview. Interestingly enough, I had a hard time falling asleep. I kept trying to figure out what that ugly girl could possible need to confess. Was there a guy out there somewhere who allowed her to "light pet" him? Or, heaven forbid, vice versa? *shiver*.


Monday, November 23, 2009

iPhone = Amazing

I'm lying on a couch in a dark room in Cedar City Utah which is about a 3 and a half hour drive from where I live in Salt Lake. I have stolen Lisa's iPhone. I am going to try and write this post on it. These thongs are pretty much the greatest thing I've ever seen. I remember when I workEed construction, ther was this guy who,, I sort of looked up to at the time because he would always talk about sex and drinking. (at 14 he seemed cool-I was easily impressed) he always used to say, "the most beautiful thing a man will ever, ever, EVER see is the naked body of the woman he loves" I bring up that memory because until I fall in love.., the iPhone is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

I'm too poor to own something like this, I got to play with this kid in my wards iphon, when he shoewd me how to use the facebook app to update my facebook status, other then that though I've never played with one. It is amazing tool! (no, Apple is not paying for this ad... unfortunately - if any of you is related to Steve Jobs, see if you can get him to read this first paragraphvof this post, and maybe he'll be impressed with "me" sohe will just up and give me his company, like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.)

I can't figure out how to zoom out. Or scroll up, or pretty much do anything so..... this could get pretty random.

Okay, I'm going to be extremely brief because this iPhone typing takes more getting used to than I thought it was going to.

Like a moron I decided to surprise Lisa (Sanders-i can't figure out how to make a link with this phone)and just show up in Cedar City. I was texting her, and asked if she had anything going on that night. She said, "no, I'll be doing homework." so I drove my butt down here. The whole time texting her pretending that I was in Salt Lake hanging with my roomies.

I Got here at like 8o clock. I knocked on the door and heard a lot of commotion. After a sec Her roomate answered the door, with a stupid look on her face she says, "oh my word." and then yells "Lisa!!! door!!! It's your friend Jake!" I hear more commotion, sounds like 20 people were in the other room. Lisa jumps around the corner, with a handful of "Apples to "apples cards in her hand. She looked excited and embarrassed and yelled, "Jake?" she ran over to me really fast and gave me a big hug. She was laughing and whispered in my ear, "nice surprise, Jake, I'm on a date." she looks at me, her eyes bouncing back and forth between mine looking for a reaction.

I can only imagine the stupid look on my face. Perhaps a cross between my 8th grade school picture where I'm leaning on that big white plastic 99 (the year duh) so my elbow was on the year - my arm was on the elbow - my fist was on the arm - and the chin of my stupid face was on my fist... So yeah that face, crossed with that other face I make a split second before I get hit in the face with something I see coming. (like this one time at lagoon,, when i looked up to watch a seagull poop mid-flight and then continued to watch it's assent and eventual explosion on to my right cheek bone.) so I'm there with this stupid face. Then her date walks around the corner. "Lisa?" Sanderf and I is still in hug position ,she pulls back and says loudly, "so good to see you!" them looks to this guy and says, "this is Elder Halifax from my mission. He just came to say hi. Uh Jake this is Beau."

perhaps I should have been upset. I mean, would it have hurt for her to say she was on a date? Probably not.

Then again I might havedone the smae thing in her position. Like, what are the chances I was going to pop in unannounced? Why say she has a date, when that could just complicate a thus far uncomplicated situation.

I was actually marveling at her use of logic. It was surprisingly very kind of hot. (I would try to explain how I felt about this to readers a bit better, but it ould take four more paragraphs, also if I don't move on I won't be able to see what I just wrote, and then I'll forget and then this post will make less sense then my usual.) Needless to say I found myself more attracted to her after the discovery of her deceit.

So I'm standing there and I look at Beau for a second and don't say anything. Then at her, then back at him. I'm kind of enjoy this moment because I know it's torture for her. Then I say "Nice to meet you." he invites me into the other room and introduces me. There were 6 couples. All on dates. Beau hands me 4 cards and says, "you know how to play?" I said yes, but said, "You know... as much as being a 7th wheel sounds like fun. I'm actually going to be in town for a couple days so I'll come back tomorrow or something. Is that cool, Lisa?" she blurts a quick laugh, catches herself and says "Really? um.,yeah that would be great." she smiled guiltilie, and I thought being a part of the inside joke was kind of fun.

Lisa walked me out to the door. "you mad?" she asks, "nope, but how soon are you going to be done with bozo in there?" I reply. She grins and says, "Depends on if I get lucky or not." I srarted to reply but she kissed me, then said, "I'll hurry." she kissed me quick again and then went inside.

I knew one other person in Cedar City. She was also a sister missionary that served in my mission. We were in the MTC together. Her name is Renee. I had been flirting with her for a few months. Her and Aaron had a little history together, but even he couldn't close the deal. All of that aside she was a really good friend who I hadn't seen for a long time. I called her and she was at a laundromat.

I went over and met her. She had lost weight (do sisters gain on their missions I thought? I decided I would need to do some sort of survey because every one that I know has lost big) she looked great. She is short and very blonde. She has a beard, but it was so blonde you have to catch the sun in just the right spot sort of behind her to notice it. I never cared about it. Her eyes were really her best feature. We talked while her laundry finished up then went and got some hot chocolate. It was really fun. She's funny, just like I remember.

So, I told Renee about me and Sanders. They didn't know each other well, but they knew each other enough. I figured them knowing would only increase my chances with both of them.

At about 10:30 Lisa called and said the coast was clear and I should come back over. I gave Renee a big hug. I think, pending I don't marry sanders, that I'm going to try and court Renee later.

After getting back to sanders place, we talked and made out. We decided we would get breakfast early so she wanted to go to bed. She wanted me to come with her. I told her I wasn't comfortable with that. Maybe I'm too soon off my mish, cause like I say, my room mates are all fine with sleepovers. apparently so was Lisa and a lot of girl. She didn't push though , and went to bed.

So here I lay on the couch, by myself, while Lisa sleeps in her own bed... I just got a "10%" battery warning so I think the iPhone's done. I can't be bothered to go back and try and proof read either so... Sorry to those of you who hate bad grammar/spelling. I'll see if Calvin is available to proofread. If not, I'll fix it in the morning.


Saturday, November 21, 2009

New Moon-tards

I may be exposing a little more of my gayness than I should here, but I read the Twilight books. I don't really have a reason... other than my mom was reading them and I saw the first book sitting on her coffee table before my mission so I picked it up and started reading. Once I realized I was reading a vampire romance novel, I just figured I was too invested in the book so I finished it. That doesn't explain why I also read New Moon, though. It also doesn't explain why I read Eclipse and Breaking Dawn after my mission. Lest you think I'm a homo, let me assure you that I never purchased any of the novels with my own money. I don't know if that makes it any more acceptable, but it's the truth.

When I saw Twilight in May, I remember being surprised that so many people didn't like it. I think I figured out why, though. Since I'd read the book, I was able to mentally connect the romantic dots. The movie skips over so much... that the stubborn, anti-trendy folk who refused to read it just cause everyone else had and they don't want to be one of "those" people, end up getting bored because they're stupid. No offense, Jake. It doesn't change my frustration with the whole sparkling thing though. Anyone who's seen or read any other vampire stories MUST be pissed about the glistening, sparkling beauty of Stephanie's "vampires". (I'm totally Team Alice, by the way. She's freakin' hot.)

As you know, I took Tori to New Moon on Thursday night, along with Jake, Becca, Aaron, and a few other girls. As I sat there listening to Tori moan every time there was a slow-mo of Edward walking, or an unnecessary shot of Jacob peeling off his shirt... or even one of the dozen or so shots of Bella seeing a misty, non-existent version of Edward saying something like "Turn around!" or "You promised!" in his smoker voice before disappearing in a wisp of smoke, I just kept thinking "I don't remember the book being this boring." Seriously, I thought the special effects were better in this movie, but there were only two or three scenes where the special effects even mattered. The rest of the movie was Bella feeling bad for herself and trying to complain to whoever will listen, through her beaver teeth. I just kept wishing Alice would have a vision of me walking slowly toward her in the rain with my shirt unbuttoned. But Alice was too busy looking pretty in the background. Sigh.

The best part of the movie, though, was the final scene. Jacob runs off into the forest like a baby and Edward tells Bella that he wants her to wait 5 years before she's changed into a vampire. Then Bella says, "No. That's too long." And Edward says, "Then wait 3 years." Bella answers, "What are you waiting for?" I heard Aaron say, "Your boobs to get bigger." Jake and I started laughing and I'm pretty sure the other people around us didn't hear the last 2 lines of dialogue. I didn't realize it was so close to ending or I wouldn't have laughed so loudly.

After the movie, Tori and I went to a pretty popular make-out spot. We were there for about an hour and then I saw some headlights behind us. I thought it was probably another pair of maker-outers, but it turns out it was a cop. He knocked on my window and Tori jumped back into her own seat. I rolled down my window and the officer flashed his light on me and then over at Tori. He said, "Is everything all right tonight?" I said, "Yeah. We just came from a movie and-"

The officer cut me off. "I wasn't asking you." He looked at Tori, "Is everything all right tonight, young lady?" She smiled sweetly, as always. "Yes officer. Everything is just fine." Then the officer looked back at me and said, "The park closed at 11. You should get her home." I'm not sure why I didn't just say, "Ok". Instead I said, "Of course, we just need to wait for the windows to unfog." Nobody laughed except me... in my mind. I thought it was hilarious, but apparently it wasn't.

On an unrelated note, I've been feeling guilty lately cause of the whole Brittany thing. I called the Executive Secretary this afternoon and scheduled an appointment with the Bishop for tomorrow. I thought the guilt would just go away eventually, and maybe it would have... but I thought I should probably talk with him about it anyway. I'm a little nervous.


Friday, November 20, 2009


Yep I did it. I went to a midnight showing of "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" I went with Aaron, and Calvin. We met up with these girls that we hang with often - most notably Becca and all her friends. Calvin brought Tori who of course knows a few of the girls... for a very slightly below average looking cheerleader, Tori is incredibly popular.

The hour before the movie started was exciting. The seating was assigned and yet still somehow there seemed to be disputes between Twi-moms and their Twi-teens scattered throughout the theater.

After an early scan of the theater I figured there were at least a dozen other men in the packed 300 seat theater. It became clear that our mistake was going to this movie with girls. Since Aaron has a body like young Jacob Blacks, Calvin has the same brooding sensitivity as Edward and I have more wit, confidence, and charm then every male character in the entire Twilight saga, I think we could have scored some serious digits.

Instead we went with girls we knew, which was still fun. I ended up sitting next to Becca of course. I was no longer interested, but hadn't really made that known, so... anyway the movie started, and man did it suck. "New Moon" was like the bastard child born because "The Happening" and "The Day After Tomorrow" decided to fornicate... after one of them contracted the virus known as HIV... It really was that bad.

To be fair, I have not read the books. It seemed pretty clear to me that having done so might have helped but man this movie was sucky.

Yeah I knew going in to it that it would suck. I tried to suspend my disbelief. I tried to overlook the blatant disregard for eons of vampire and werewolf lore which have been ignored in the movie. I tried not to be bored through the extremely slow build up. I tried to ignore the fact that not only was it a piece of crap but that it was an extra long piece of crap going over the customary (and courteous I might add) 2 hour running time. Then they managed to actually have worse special effects then they did in the first movie. The werewolves looked so terrible. "The Dark Crystal" had more convincing special effects.

Luckily, Becca loved it - and I think was a bit turned on. About 5 minutes after Jacob sheds his shirt she put her hand on my leg. The armrest between us was up already. I was eating popcorn so we weren't exactly snuggling hard-core or anything at first. Throughout the movie she was aggressively putting the moves on me. If I leaned forward she would scratch my back. When I leaned back she was rubbing my thigh, tickling my arm, and was just going with the cuddling. At one point I actually thought, "Why am I fighting this?"

After the movie, Aaron and I went back to Becca's. Yeah it was 2 in the morning, but we weren't tired. We hung out in her living room for a bit, arguing about the movie, and slowly Aaron and the other 3 girls went elsewhere. Once we were alone Becca and I started kissing. I fell asleep at one point. I'm not sure when exactly, I'm pretty certain it wasn't like my lips and hands just went limp mid-smooch, but I don't really remember deciding to go to sleep. I just know it was dark, late, and we were lying side by side on the couch... and then I woke up, and I woke up alone.

I look around and Becca was nowhere to be found. There was no smell of breakfast and no sounds. I went to the bathroom and was purposely kind of loud - shuffling feet and closing the door loudly and clearing my throat and stuff. I was hoping if Becca or Aaron was awake they would hear me stir and come out of wherever they were... nothing.

I texted Aaron to see where he was. His response, "Jill gave me a ride home after you crashed and Becca went to bed." I figured she was in her room asleep, so I left.

I feel a little bad... I guess. Because I had already decided that I wasn't into Becca... but what's a guy to do? I personally don't know that I could have done anything. I blame Jacob and Edward for the sexual tension they promote.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Look to the Right

When I arrived in my first area in Ireland, I was introduced to my companion and the two other missionaries that we'd be living with. It was a pretty surreal experience, being 19 years old in Ireland... living with three other missionaries who were close to my same age. And we were expected to follow a huge list of mission rules with very little supervision. I mean... our mission president interviewed us once a month to make sure everything was ok, but for the most part we were trusted to make good choices and obey the rules we'd promised to obey.

I remember my very first P-day. The other three elders needed a haircut, but I had just received one a week before as I was leaving the MTC and getting ready to fly to Ireland. All four of us hopped on a bus and ended up riding for about 25 minutes until we got to the hair salon the other Elders had chosen. I thought it was odd because we'd driven past several barbershops on the way to this hair salon. As I walked into the hair salon, I was shocked to see some of the most beautiful hair stylists I'd ever seen. They all smiled and greeted us with "Hey Elders!" I sat idly by as the other three had their haircuts. I listened to them talking and subtly flirting with each other. I thought it seemed odd, but I was a Greenie so everything seemed odd at that point.

I found out later that the salon was kind of an area landmark, of sorts. That particular hair salon had been where the Elders in that area had their haircuts for months... maybe even years... decades possibly. None of the stylists were Mormon, but they were all so freaking hot. It made perfect sense. I didn't realize it at the time (since I was new and not quite as desperate for female affection), but getting a haircut by an attractive woman is pretty much the closest thing to a girlfriend slash relationship that an Elder can have during his two year mission. It's one of those "acceptable" things that so many missionaries take advantage of. A hot girl is standing so close to you that you can smell the shampoo she used that morning. She's six inches away from your ear... talking to you about... something. Anything. Then she runs her fingers through your hair and, if you're lucky, she'll slowly brush the hair off the back of your neck with her fingers. To a 19-21 year old male missionary... that's pretty much all we get for two years. It's rough.

So it's no surprise that the first thing most missionaries want to do when they get home is to spend time alone with as many girls as they possibly can... in a virtuous and completely chaste way of course. They're typically socially retarded for at least six months after their return. Luckily, most Mormon girls know this and try extra hard to be patient and understanding.

I've only kissed six girls since I got home from my mission this last February... including Tori. Honestly, I think it should be more than that. I think at least one a month is decent... but two or three a month would be totally awesome. I'm getting kind of sick of Tori, though, and I think it might be time to move on.

She texted me pretty late last night and asked if I'd come over and "put [her] to sleep". I guess that means "play with my hair while you sit in an uncomfortable position by my bed and I fall asleep to your gentle yet amazingly masculine touch". When I got there, Tori and I went into her room (don't ask about whether her parents approve, cause she doesn't seem to be bothered, so neither do I) and I watched her get ready for bed again. As she laid in bed Tori said, "I'd ask you to lay by me, but I've gotten in trouble in the past so I can't trust myself anymore." I replied, "I understand. I'll just kneel here and we can cuddle." So there I am, with the bottom half of my body hanging off the side of her bed, while the top half of my body is pretty much as close to her as it can get. Tori says, "That looks so uncomfortable, Calvin. Just come up here." I climb onto her bed and lay next to her. Then Tori says, "Just so you know... if anything bad happens at all, we won't be able to date anymore." To be honest, I considered making sure something DID happen just so I didn't have to date her anymore... but at the end of the day, she's really hot and I love making out with her. Plus, our relationship has a built in expiration date. She'll be leaving for college in a few months and that'll be it.

Tori's lamp was still on, but she looked at me just as she was drifting off and said, "So, what do you think of my friends." I answered, "They all seem pretty awesome." Then Tori's eyes get really wide and she sits up in bed. "So then why did you look to the right?" I was, like, "What do you mean?"

Tori then proceeded to explain to me how if a person looks to the right when they're saying something, it means they're lying. I thought it was funny, but she seemed to be taking herself pretty seriously. I decided I didn't want to have a serious conversation that late at night so I said, "Really? I didn't realize it was that easy to tell that someone is lying. By the way, I think you're ugly." Then I looked to the right. "Plus... you're a horrible kisser." I looked as far as I could to the right and then turned my head as though my eyes were forcing my head to the right. Tori started laughing... beautifully. "Tori, I think you should know that I have no interest whatsoever in making out with you all night long so that tomorrow I have those teeny tiny make-out zits that are so small I could just scratch them off with my fingernail." As I said that, I physically turned my head and body all the way around in a complete 360. It ended up being a pretty great night, but I can't help but think that the built in expiration date is still too far away.


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A Red Day on the Calendar?

Sometime in early October we started receiving emails from people asking, "Have you guys ever thought about monetizing your blog." The scene in Mallrat's when the TV producers say to Brody "You got great presence, Kid. Have you ever thought about hosting your own talk show?" and he responds without hesitation, "Yeah" always comes to mind whenever anyone asks me if I have thought about making money off of anything. Of course I have. At least once a day I think, "If only I could figure out how to make money off of watching "Family Guy" or playing "Call of Duty"... but I digress.

So the whole monetizing thing is up in the air... there are lots of things we are considering and have had a heck of a time making anything happen. Sort of a boring topic so if you are remotely interested in our advertising adventures and drama you can read about it here in our supplemental section.

The two major side effects of our advertising chatter are t-shirts, (which we are doing and should be available next week or so) and a MBP Calendar.

I know you're hoping that said calendar will feature glistening close-ups of Calvin and I's clothing-less upper bodies... Sorry to disappoint, because we have decided on pictures that showcase the life of a Mormon bachelor, with no faces. Something anonymous, stylish, and awesome. So I sent a message to a photographer that I have actually met. We aren't really friends, we're friends of friends She is very talented, one of the best photographers I have seen. She would have been perfect for this and she has no idea that Jake is... well... me. We had an email back and forth for a while I will give you a very abridged version of our back and forth. (See the unabridged version here)

I know women hate it when we men blame things on their monthly cycle. So I wont actually say that the drastic unprovoked change in tone was as a result of anyone involved's monthly shedding of the uterine lining... but, if not that? I gotta wonder. Her name is Abbie Warnock.

Oct 28th: Jake to Abbie
So, we're facebook friends which hopefully means you read [...]our blog[...]if you do read, you know that we are completely anonymous. [...] We are thinking of making a Calender. [...] So what do you think? -Jake
Oct 29th: Abbie to Jake
Hi Jake, I'm not a beefcake photographer by any means, and if it's anything like the mormon shirtless calendar dudes, I just can't be bothered, ha ha. [...] but I would like to know more about what you're doing. :) -Abbie Warnock
Oct. 29th: Jake to Abbie
no, not a beefcake thing at all... Is there a time I could call you? I have a feeling concept and vision would be better discussed than written. Probably one conversation would be enough to decide one way or the other if it's something you'd be into.
Nov 3rd: Jake to Abbie (after not hearing back from her)
Okay, I will try to be succinct, because from your responses so far I am gathering (incorrectly perhaps) that you're not really interested in this. [...then I explain in great detail our calender idea...]I know that you're busy and kind of a big deal so if you're not into it, I'm sure I can find someone less talented and hungrier.
Nov. 5th: Abbie to Jake
Sorry, the last 48 hours have been a big runaround[...]Those are all cool ideas, and I could definitely produce those images for you.[...]My hourly rate is $200 per hour of shooting, and my Full-Day Rate is $1200
Nov. 9th: Jake to Abbie
That is definitely out of our budget right now. Unless I can some how get my Pell Grant to include it... :) [...then I make a counter offer...] That's the best I can do, and understand that probably wont work for you. I will look into another photographer while I wait to hear back. Are there any you would refer?
Nov. 12th: Abbie to Jake
I can do that [essentially accepting our counter offer].
Nov. 12th: Jake to Abbie
That is excellent! So, we probably need to discuss details just so we're both clear. [...] -We (as in Calvin and I) will not be meeting you in person or attending any "shoots" [...] I've never used a camera that cost more then $24 I don't know what [...] you will need from us.
Nov. 12th: Abbie to Jake
*I'm actually totally NOT ok with you two not attending the shoots. [...] That's non-negotiable. Since there isn't going to be an art director, one of you needs to wear that hat. [...] This sounds like something that we should sit down and talk about in person. I'll be in provo tomorrow.
Nov. 12th: Jake to Abbie
Unfortunately Abbie the anonymous thing is pretty much the most important part of our blogs existence. [...] So, I will discuss with our attorney [...] Where do you live because I'm in Salt Lake City and couldn't make it down to Provo very easily tomorrow.
Nov. 13th: Jake to Abbie
Okay, so there is no way we can personally be at the shoots. [...] So, I know you said this was "non-negotiable" and if that's how it stands I will understand. However consider this: In my very first facebook message I mentioned giving you a great deal of creative license. What if YOU were our art director? I've seen your stuff online and know that you are creative and have an eye for things. I didn't just pick you out of a hat, I looked around. We would be willing to put a great deal of trust in you to get this done. [...] So, I really think that discussing the project over the phone, and giving you fairly free reign that is understood (we can even put it in writing) beforehand could work out quite nicely.
Nov 13th: Abbie to Jake
Wow. I've photographed famous people that've been less maintenance than you guys. You're spending more time talking to legal counsel than you are getting projects along, this is blowing me away. If you're legal-contract-concerned about me revealing your identities like you seem to be, I gotta admit that you're being really pretentious. I have bigger fish to fry and things to worry about other than this.
This isn't worth the run-around to me, and at this point, it certainly isn't worth the price and "perks." Living in a town as small as provo and dating/writing about it like you are and will be, it's an inevitability that you'll be found out sooner or later, and it won't be by Abbie Warnock. Oh, and for the record, my myspace blog has had 290,000 hits in the past two years. People surf. It happens.
I won't be working on this with you. When you figure out how to act like professionals, you can work with professionals.

Abbie is right, I'm not a professional. Since I desperately need to learn to act like one I am glad she has given me this experience from which to glean off of her wisdom. It's not like 80% of the readers of our blog will be getting married in the next 5 years and be looking for a professional photographer or anything. Worst part is... if she changed her mind I'd offer her a make-up-make-out (anonymously) and take her back.


PS: A MBP calendar is in the works if you want to be part of it see this link

Monday, November 16, 2009


I missed out on the MBP group date last Friday. It sucked pretty bad cause it was Jake and I who planned the whole date. I was going to take Tori, of course, but she called me Friday afternoon and asked if I'd object to going to Nutty Putty or something. I guess it's a cave in Utah County where people go spelunking. I didn't really object to the spelunking idea. I've never made out in a cave before and it sounded kind of fun. Something about the dark and moist atmosphere makes me think it must be fairly conducive to making out. I figured the odds of finding a comfortable place to get horizontal wasn't likely in an underground cave, but Tori is kind of prudish that way. Not in a bad way. She has no problems french kissing and has taken very little issue with my hand placement while we're making out, but she is very cautious of laying down... which I guess I can respect.

I met her at her house on Friday night and it was freaking cold. The only thing I could think was, "We're going to go into an underground cave while it's this cold? What the crap am I doing?" Then all of her friends started showing up. Her circle of friends consists of two other girls and about 15 guys. When all the guys started rolling up in their cars, I start looking around and counting all the dudes on my fingers which were strategically placed in my pockets. I gotta ask, what kind of guy is happy with that kind of ratio? Seriously? These dudes are regularly hanging out with the same three girls? Who does that? Unless the girls have made the rounds through all 15 guys, but even then... why do the guys stick around? Shouldn't they be out looking for different girls or something?

Everyone knew everyone else except for me. I introduced myself to a couple of the guys, but didn't really know how to do it. I didn't want to say, "I'm Tori's date" because it was obvious that nobody else had dates... they were just all hanging out in a big stupid group. So I said, "Tori invited me to tag along." That seemed to be sufficient.

Then some dweeb with huge pecs and a tight shirt started making carpool assignments. He was pointing to people and saying "You guys ride with Tony. You four ride with me (Tori and three other guys) and you four can ride with Seth (including me)." He had assigned Tori and I to different vehicles. I can't even tell you how tempted I was to just get in my truck and drive home. Tori didn't say anything to anyone about making sure I was in the same car as her. So when we all started getting into the cars, I decided to just get into the same car as Tori.

After I climbed in, some dude with parted hair in the middle yells, "Whoa. Hold up. Someone is in the wrong car. There's no room for me in here." Pecs looked at me and said politely, "What's your name?" I reply, "Calvin." Pecs then said, "Are you supposed to be in this car? Is this where I put you?" I looked at him and said, "I don't know. I wasn't paying attention while you were barking orders. I just got in this car cause this is the car that the hottest girl got into." Tori was sitting in the front seat looking back at me. I made eye contact with her and winked. I'm sure it looked dorky cause I'm not the winking type. I may have actually blinked both eyes instead of winking. Tori smiled at me, though, so I'm pretty sure she got the idea.

The cave was lame. I thought it would fun, but it wasn't at all. I don't get claustrophobic so I was fine with the close quarters, but I don't think I even saw Tori in that damn cave. I was squeezing past all of these dudes trying to find Tori to score a bitchin' cave smooch. I think my clothed genitalia brushed up against at least 75% of the guys in that stupid cave... but never with Tori.

When we finally got out of the cave and back to her house, I had to wait in the background for Tori to hug every single one of her guy friends before they left. They didn't look like "friend" hugs either. These were, like, long, passionate, hands-all-over-her-back-we've-got-sexual-history type of hugs.

Luckily, my doorstep scene with Tori was significantly different. I'm pretty confident in my hugging and kissing build up. I've got the hand placement and movement, the breathing lightly against her neck, the whispering "I had a great time tonight" in her ear while my lips accidentally brush against her ear lobe, mastered. It all progressed nicely into a very wet doorstep scene. Too bad she has such dumb friends.


Sunday, November 15, 2009

Cartoon Cullen

When Jake and I started this blog we talked about how it was all going to work. We've spoken at length about how ignorant we are about computer/hyperlink/layout/format crap. Luckily, there are several people who have taken it upon themselves to help us out and we want them to know how much we appreciate it. Amy is the talent behind our buttons. She has actually made several buttons which you can find by clicking these four words. They're not set up to use on your blog because we're retarded, but if you're smart enough, I'm sure you can figure out how to steal them and use them as buttons. Good luck. Don't ask us for tips on how to do it, cause we don't know.

We also discussed a plethora of things including the anonymity of the blog. We knew that the only way we could be 100% honest was if nobody knew who we were. But then Jake had a pretty good idea. He suggested that we find one of those "Cartoon Yourself" websites and create some animated images of ourselves that we could attach to each of our posts... kind of like an image signature.

We got distracted once the blog started up and the idea fell to the wayside. I recently stumbled across MyWebFace and decided to give it a shot. I created myself pretty quickly and then started working on Jake. I couldn't get it right so I gave up and emailed him what I had. He called me back and here is our conversation in a nutshell:

J: I don't like them.
C: Why not?
J: They're too avatarish.
C: What does that mean?
J: It's like they're trying so hard to be as realistic as possible, but really they just look fake.
C: Isn't it good that they look fake? I mean, if it was too real, then people might recognize us.
J: I guess so.
C: So what's the big deal? At least people will be able to have some sort of mental picture while they read our posts. Who cares if it's too cartoony?
J: I would rather it be more cartoony, like Garfield or Xmen.
C: Fine, if you don't like the ones I made maybe you could get Jim Davis or Stan Lee to draw some for us.
J: Uh... Sorry, dude it's not that you did a bad job drawing--
C: Whatever dude.
J: In any case I was talking to Lisa and we were talking about Twilight again. She told me how disappointed she was in who they had cast as Edward Cullen. She said she already had this fantasy about who HER Edward Cullen was and what he looked like and it was ruined by the actor they'd chosen.
C: (thinking) So... you're comparing us to Edward Cullen?


Saturday, November 14, 2009

Becca Continued...

I looked at the clock on the dash of my car and it says 3:32am. Which means it's really 2:32. I didn't correct it at daylight savings because I can't be bothered to figure out how. Across from me sits Becca. We have just pulled into the driveway after our first ever date.

Becca and I joined Nick, Aaron, and their dates. We did dinner, bowling, and ended up watching a movie (Fired Up) back at our place. As always the date was a good time. Nick and Aaron make for good dating companions. It was so late because we fell asleep on the love seat before the movie got over.

When I pulled up to Becca's apartment to drop her off, she was talking about an annoying customer that had come into her work that day. I was paying just enough attention to be able to say "Uh huh" and "Really?" occasionally so that she thought I was listening to her. Truthfully I was thinking about what I was going to do over the next 10 minutes.

First, was I going to kiss her? Becca is really cute. She has a very light pasty complexion. Her hair is dark almost black and her eyes are a dark blue. She does have really thin lips. Thin enough that they almost disappear when she laughs, which she does a lot, not only because I am consistently hilarious, but probably because she has a great laugh and knows it. I don't really like super thin lips especially with lipstick as bright red as hers is but they aren't a deal breaker by any means. I sat there and she was laughing (at herself) and put her hand on my leg while she said, "Oh you should have seen the look on her face." I figured that meant I could kiss her without being rejected.

Becca continued with her story.

Second, would I kiss her in the car or on the doorstep? My cars center console made for less than ideal make outs but then if I did kiss her it would probably be a brief "first kiss" kind of deal, so the console wouldn't matter. It's cold outside... really cold, so a doorstep kiss would ensure something brief. It may be cold enough though that she wouldn't want to kiss at all. She may opt for a quick hug and then hurry inside. Becca said, " know what I mean?" I responded, "Uh huh."

Becca continued her story.

Third, what about Sanders? Just last night after my birthday bash* Sanders and I got horizontal for a lip chapping couple of hours. What obligation, if any did I have to her? Or to Becca? Or, as I'm sure some enlightened individual will point out, to myself? I looked at the clock and it was 9 minutes to 3, the thought popped into my head, "Obligation? What obligation?"

Becca was still going.

I tried to focus in on what Becca was talking about. She said, "...she was freaking out! I mean if she called me she must have been desperate because I don't have kids. What do I know?" I had no idea what she was talking about. Luckily Becca continued, "I told her though, that if a child is crying that uncontrollably for that long she should probably take him to the emergency room." I said, "What did she say to that?" Becca said, "Well she's my older sister so she doesn't listen to me, but..." Right about then, "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias started playing.

Becca continued.

Why do I have "Hero" on my iPod? Well, I love it. Because it reminds me of one of my earliest encounters with the opposite sex (after I knew there was a difference) There was a group of kids who would all ride bikes and jump trampoline and just hang out all the time in my neighborhood. At age 12, I was one of the oldest in this group. There was a girl named Heather who was my age too. She might even be considered my first crush. My memory was interrupted for a sec when Becca laughed, " was so funny. Have you ever heard anything like that?" I replied, "No, that's hilarious."

Becca continued some more.

I got right back into my memory. One summer night me and Heather were lying in the field by our house looking at the stars and talking about every little thing. Heather told me that she had started her period. I didn't know exactly what that meant at the time. I mean, I was 12. I knew it was part of growing up and specific to girls and involved tampons - okay so basically the same things I know about it now. Anyway, through the course of our conversation Heather followed up that news by asking me if I had had a wet dream yet. I had not, I wasn't even sure I knew what it was. She then said, "If we have sex we should do it before you have a wet dream so I don't get pregnant." Yes, we were 12 years old when that happened, I kid you not.

Becca continued.

As Enrique cried, "I will stand by you, forever!" I mused that I didn't even have the nerve or knowledge to kiss Heather let alone have sex with her back then. However her mentioning the possibility made me sort of fall for her. I don't know why, I was a kid. Over the next year I would try and do little things to let her know I liked her. Things besides punching her in the arm and stuff. At on point decided to "write" her a poem. "Hero" had just come out and I copied verbatim the lyrics to "Hero" on a piece of notebook paper. I'm not sure why I didn't think she'd find out, guess I was a stupid kid. She loved it, and believed I had wrote it. Until one day I was over at her house and her older sister ratted me out for my pathetic plagiarism. I was so embarrassed I remember crying in my room vowing to never be fake or lie to a girl again. Heather made fun of me for being so fake and we drifted apart. Then she got knocked up by some new kid in the neighborhood when she was 15.

Becca's voice faded in again.

Becca was like, "Really we should go there sometime together I think you would really like it." I smiled and said, "For sure. Hey thanks so much for coming tonight it was the most fun I have ever had... ever!" The clock read 4:23am (so 3:23) and I realized I was sitting there being fake. Forty minutes of Becca talking to me, and I had no clue what on earth she had been talking about. I realized how fake I often was. I wondered if I needed to get caught more often like I did with Heather. I decided not to kiss her that night, because obviously, I wasn't into her really. I've sort of convinced myself that I decided not to kiss her because of the vow that hearing "Hero" reminded me of. It may have just been because I was so tired. Had we got to her house 2 hours earlier I don't know if things would have ended the same.

I walked Becca to her door and gave her a hug. She said, "I had so much fun." I said, "Me too." She said, "You're a really good listener." I said "You too."

'Blast' I thought, 'That was fake... and funny how fake rhymes with Jake.' Becca's a cool chick, but I just don't see anything real happening that wouldn't be just because I wanted to snog her.

I drove home with Hero on repeat reminiscing.


*Birthday Bash: included about 40 of my closest friends, food, beverage, Wii, and a wicked huge game of twister with 4 twister mats, which we played twice and I won both times. I'm not very flexible, but I have gargantuan legs. I'm not just using the word gargantuan to change things up. They are big like tree trunks. The only people I have ever met with thicker legs than me are my two brothers and Tongans. The stability legs like mine offer coupled with my bubble butt makes me an excellent twister player.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Meat Market

Generally speaking, I think Single’s Wards suck. I’m not talking about the movie, Singles Ward, though that sucked as well… I’m talking about actual Singles Wards. I know they get a bad rap from girls cause of the whole “meat market” comparison, but to be honest I don’t really hear guys complain about them much. I mean, as long as there are a dozen or so hot girls in the ward, guys are going to be happy, I think.

Lately, I’ve noticed some things about our singles ward and I’m pretty sure it happens at every singles ward… at least in America. After church on Fast Sundays they have a Break the Fast meal… or even at the more common “Linger Longer” where they encourage everyone to stick around after church and just chit chat, it’s like the whole thing is carefully designed to match people up. I’ve noticed that guys get really possessive of the girls they feel like belong to them. I never dare to walk up to girls and introduce myself, but that’s why we have Aaron and Lance. I always love to stand against the wall and watch Aaron walk up to a co-ed table and just start talking. The guys just stare at him like he’s the biggest d-bag in the world. But Aaron and Lance deserve most of the credit for the success of our bachelor pad. They’re the ones who talk to the girls and invite them over to our house.

I’ve gone to girls houses for FHE or something and I end up just sitting there while everyone is laughing and joking around me. I just do so much better when the girl is at my house. It’s kind of like when you breed dogs. It’s better if you bring the bitch over to the studs house for the breeding. Then the stud is in his territory and he can control the situation better. He can follow the girl around with his nose in her butt while she’s looking around and trying to get a feel for the environment. It just works better for both of them. That’s like our house. I just seem to do better in my own environment.

A couple of Sundays ago, I was sitting in one of the smaller Sunday School classes. Sometimes I choose to go to the smaller, less interesting classes because usually it’s more intimate and there’s more opportunity for me to contribute my personal dodgy opinions, you know… like, less competition. At the beginning of the class, the teacher says she wants to go around the room so we can introduce ourselves and say something interesting about ourselves. I hate stuff like that. I get so nervous which is so lame cause it’s really not that hard. I just don’t like the idea of forced first impressions. Let me just make my first impression when I’m ready.

As we’re going around the class, people are being so stupid. One guy says he decided to quit working for the Highway Patrol cause he almost got hit by soooo many cars on the freeway. I’m thinking, “You’re barely 22. You worked for UHP for grand total of 3 months.” Meanwhile, the girls were swooning as they pictured him in a uniform with a gun on his belt, which I’m sure is exactly what he wanted. Nobody bothered to ask him what he does for a living now. He probably works at a hobby shop selling remote control cars or something. Then another guy said, “Something interesting about me is that I’ve been told that I have an amazing sense of humor. I guess I’m a really funny guy.” I look around and see girls smiling and nodding, probably thinking “I can’t wait to hang out with him so I can really laugh so hard at everything he says… you know… since he’s pretty sure he’s funny.” I was just thinking, “Funny people don’t tell everyone how funny they are. That’s just ridiculous.”

Luckily, I came prepared that Sunday. I had joked with my roommates that morning about how sad I was that it wasn’t socially acceptable for adults to bring Cheerio’s to snack on during Sacrament meeting like when we were little. So I had grabbed one of Nick’s Ziplock storage containers and filled it with Cheerios. I took my scriptures out of my zippered scripture bag and replaced it with the container of Cheerios. I had to walk carefully all morning so nobody heard the Cheerios shaking around in the plastic container. When it was finally my turn, I started to unzip my scripture case as I introduced myself. Then I pulled the lid off of the Ziplock as I said, “Something interesting about myself is probably that I’m good at archery and darts. Pretty much anything with a point, I’m really good at throwing, except for knives.” Then I took about 5 or 6 Cheerios and put them in my mouth.

You might be wondering why I’m not telling you what any of the girls said about themselves. Well, it’s because I wasn’t listening to them. I was too busy focusing on my competition and trying to decide if I could beat them up if it came right down to it. I honestly didn’t and don’t care what is interesting about any girls in our singles ward. I might be interested down the road if they pass the “attractiveness” test, but I just can’t be bothered to listen to and try to remember every irritating fact about 15 different girls in a 10 minute period.

On an unrelated note, I really miss hearing the sound of toddlers’ heads hitting the wood pews during the sacrament. I wish more adults would hit their heads on the pews. It would help keep things interesting, I think.