Friday, November 20, 2009

Twi-tards

Yep I did it. I went to a midnight showing of "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" I went with Aaron, and Calvin. We met up with these girls that we hang with often - most notably Becca and all her friends. Calvin brought Tori who of course knows a few of the girls... for a very slightly below average looking cheerleader, Tori is incredibly popular.

The hour before the movie started was exciting. The seating was assigned and yet still somehow there seemed to be disputes between Twi-moms and their Twi-teens scattered throughout the theater.

After an early scan of the theater I figured there were at least a dozen other men in the packed 300 seat theater. It became clear that our mistake was going to this movie with girls. Since Aaron has a body like young Jacob Blacks, Calvin has the same brooding sensitivity as Edward and I have more wit, confidence, and charm then every male character in the entire Twilight saga, I think we could have scored some serious digits.

Instead we went with girls we knew, which was still fun. I ended up sitting next to Becca of course. I was no longer interested, but hadn't really made that known, so... anyway the movie started, and man did it suck. "New Moon" was like the bastard child born because "The Happening" and "The Day After Tomorrow" decided to fornicate... after one of them contracted the virus known as HIV... It really was that bad.

To be fair, I have not read the books. It seemed pretty clear to me that having done so might have helped but man this movie was sucky.

Yeah I knew going in to it that it would suck. I tried to suspend my disbelief. I tried to overlook the blatant disregard for eons of vampire and werewolf lore which have been ignored in the movie. I tried not to be bored through the extremely slow build up. I tried to ignore the fact that not only was it a piece of crap but that it was an extra long piece of crap going over the customary (and courteous I might add) 2 hour running time. Then they managed to actually have worse special effects then they did in the first movie. The werewolves looked so terrible. "The Dark Crystal" had more convincing special effects.

Luckily, Becca loved it - and I think was a bit turned on. About 5 minutes after Jacob sheds his shirt she put her hand on my leg. The armrest between us was up already. I was eating popcorn so we weren't exactly snuggling hard-core or anything at first. Throughout the movie she was aggressively putting the moves on me. If I leaned forward she would scratch my back. When I leaned back she was rubbing my thigh, tickling my arm, and was just going with the cuddling. At one point I actually thought, "Why am I fighting this?"

After the movie, Aaron and I went back to Becca's. Yeah it was 2 in the morning, but we weren't tired. We hung out in her living room for a bit, arguing about the movie, and slowly Aaron and the other 3 girls went elsewhere. Once we were alone Becca and I started kissing. I fell asleep at one point. I'm not sure when exactly, I'm pretty certain it wasn't like my lips and hands just went limp mid-smooch, but I don't really remember deciding to go to sleep. I just know it was dark, late, and we were lying side by side on the couch... and then I woke up, and I woke up alone.

I look around and Becca was nowhere to be found. There was no smell of breakfast and no sounds. I went to the bathroom and was purposely kind of loud - shuffling feet and closing the door loudly and clearing my throat and stuff. I was hoping if Becca or Aaron was awake they would hear me stir and come out of wherever they were... nothing.

I texted Aaron to see where he was. His response, "Jill gave me a ride home after you crashed and Becca went to bed." I figured she was in her room asleep, so I left.

I feel a little bad... I guess. Because I had already decided that I wasn't into Becca... but what's a guy to do? I personally don't know that I could have done anything. I blame Jacob and Edward for the sexual tension they promote.

Jake

51 comments:

Maggles said...

You didn't like New Moon? We can no longer be friends. Not that we were to begin with. But still.

TechieGirl said...

Thank you for reaffirming everything I believed about Twilight. It's good to know that I haven't wasted my time on some poorly written insults to fantasy books and movies.

Sorry you woke up alone. That sort of sucks....

Anonymous said...

guys everywhere are probably THANKING edward and jacob for the sexual tension they promote!

Alexandria said...

You speak blasphemy Jake.

Although I still heart you because you name-checked 'The Dark Crystal'.

The end.

Lauren said...

Anonymous is right. Husbands roll their eyes at the books, and scoff at the books...but are eternally grateful for their "willing" wives.

Truth: Men love "special hugs".

The End.

Nate said...

"anyway the movie started, and man did it suck. "New Moon" was like the bastard child born because "The Happening" and "The Day After Tomorrow" decided to fornicate... after one of them contracted the virus known as HIV... It really was that bad."

Beautiful. When you guys are done with this blog thing, you have a future as movie critics... ;-)

Anonymous said...

Twi-Tards: It's kind of insulting to actual mental disabled people to line them up against obsessive twilight. Real retarded people are much smarter and logical.

Lauren said...

"Since Aaron has a body like young Jacob Blacks, Calvin has the same brooding sensitivity as Edward and I have more wit, confidence, and charm then every male character in the entire Twilight saga"

Amazing :)

I haven't met a guy yet that likes Twilight, so this review seems about right. All of the guys I saw last night at New Moon were pretty much the snack biatches for their wives or girlfriends that they came with, I felt kinda bad for them.

ChloƩ said...

"New Moon" was like the bastard child born because "The Happening" and "The Day After Tomorrow" decided to fornicate... after one of them contracted the virus known as HIV... It really was that bad."

haha i love that line. so funny.

Seneca said...

I refuse to read or watch the Twilight series. And it feels like I am the only Mormon girl to do so. So, go Jake! :D

TechieGirl said...

I'm right there with you Seneca.

Anonymous said...

So, pretty much you guys are chucks. Guys who served missions for the right reasons doesn't use "RM" as a title. Also, the sowing of your "wild" oats grosses me out a little.

Nate said...

Anon 10:30 - Where in any of this post about suffering through New Moon did anything about reasons for serving a mission come up?

Montierth Madness said...

The only reason I saw Twilight was because I knew I'd get some action from the cute girl who wanted me to take her. The movie sucked so badly, I'm pretty sure no amount of implied girl action could get me to the new one.

Shelby Lou said...

dark crystal.... lmao.

i can't believe you woke up alone! maybe that was a sign that it was just a whatev kiss for her too...

Declarations of a Drama Diva said...

I haven't seen it yet but I'm sure it will be horrible!

Worst effects than the first? Oh dear! I wonder if they made it really crappy so that they could earn a huge revenune... they all ready knew everyone was going to watch it.

I hope at least the acting improved a little.....

Once I watch the movie I am going to have a post a blogging completely tearing it apart.... I think I'll do a review of the two. *grin* Oh horrificness....

brinleyr said...

I haven't seen the New Moon movie yet, but my experience with Twilight is that they could never make a movie out of this that would be as good as the book. I will still see the movies just because I've read the books and it's fun to see.

Guaranteed, there's times I laugh out loud because the scenes are ridiculous or the actors are terrible.

And the sexual tension comment had me laughing. My cousin and friend were saying during the whole Twilight movie how much sexual tension there was. We still use their lines all the time.

Ryan Hadlock said...

Jake, never take sand to the beach.

Anonymous said...

You guys are pigs! Women are not there for your personal disgusting pleasures. It makes me sick to think about how often girls throw themselves at guys, hoping that if they do then they will like them. I cannot believe you guys served full time honorable missions and then come home and act like whores.

Anonymous said...

Anon @ 12:02 - Pretty sure you coulda left "honorable" out of your comment.

shirley elizabeth said...

The sentence that Nate quoted in his first comment gives you your first credibility in my eyes.

And I think it disgusting for girls to ogle over and get turned on by the guys in the movie (or any guy that's not their husband) and go release tension on their husband. "I just spent half my day looking at pictures of this half-naked guy. But don't worry, I want you not him." How is that right?

Nate said...

Sometimes I wonder if I am reading the same posts as the anonymous peeps. If any of you wants to direct me to the whore version of the blog, I would be much obliged.

Sara said...

Hahahah! Don't feel bad. Becca was using you just as much as you were using her.

Emily Sue said...

oh my gosh!! jake i know most girls love calvin but, honestly i like you better! i mean i like calvin too, but your posts entertain me more. seriously this part...


"and man did it suck. "New Moon" was like the bastard child born because "The Happening" and "The Day After Tomorrow" decided to fornicate... after one of them contracted the virus known as HIV... It really was that bad.?

i seriously died laughing!!! i just think this was an awesome post. and i don't think it was bad you kissed becca she was asking for it and you did feel bad for leading her on so kudos to you.

Alexandra said...

The Dark Chrystal is a really sweet movie, yo. I definitely approve of how you described New Moon. I saw Twilight last year with my mom and my sister, and it was absolutely hilarious. I have no intention on seeing that again or seeing any of the other Twilight "Saga" movies.

kelleidoscope said...

I'm.. so glad I'm not the only one who thinks that about the Twilight..thing.

I am also pretty sure Twilight was a comedy.. I haven't seen New Moon, but when I do I hope I can expect a few laughs at the expense of the brooding teens.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

You're not missing much by not reading the books. I think the first Twilight movie was actually marginally better than the book.

But yeah, it's just Days of our Lives, vampire/shapeshifter style.

Oh, and undead sperm. That comes later though.

Andee said...

My liking for you just went down a bit. No not because you made out with Becca, because I wouldn't have minded a makeout partner after that movie either, but because you hated New Moon.

By far the best movie EVER!
seriously. I am pretty sure it had a lot to do with the fact that Jacob is the hottest person there is.

ps.
I am sure that Becca was imagining Jacob when she was kissing you. after all, your name is Jake.
So no reason to feel bad.

Ryan Hadlock said...

"Sometimes I wonder if I am reading the same posts as the anonymous peeps. If any of you wants to direct me to the whore version of the blog, I would be much obliged." - Nate

This should be on the front page quote list. Hilarious.

I'm curious what makes these guys whores in the eyes of anonymous? Is it holding hands on Sunday? Is it kissing before marriage? Sleeping over on the couch at a girl's house? Is it being interested in more than one girl in a lifetime? Cuz, I don't get it? Pretty sure lots of casual sex makes one a whore, and I'm not seeing any of that on here??? Unless Nate is right and there's a whore version of the blog.

Pretty sure your MD can get you a prescription for Zoloft, cuz you need to relaaaaaaax Anonymous. :-)

Autumn said...

Jake! Just FYI, the fact that you WENT to New Moon makes you hot. I don't care what you look like. Anyone willing to go to that with a girl, even if they just want action, is amazing in my book. Don't feel bad about the whole Becca thing. She puts herself in those situations, and she asked for it. You and Calvin definitely made me smile. Going to New Moon despite your reasons is totally freaking hot. :] I'll go on Monday, and see if I agree. But, I love Twilight (although not obsessed) so I'll probably disagree. That, and I'm a girl.

Haylee Abney said...

ummm you are crazy!!! the special effects were NOT worse than in the first movie! they were sooooo much better!!!

are you sure it was New Moon that you saw???

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Was the dude from "Shark Boy & Lava Girl" in it with his shirt off the last half of the movie and a wig on the first half of the movie?

Pretty sure it was New Moon.

My favorite part? When Bella cracks her head and Jacob rips off his shirt to mop up the blood. I am totally stealing that move.

-j

Megan said...

Does Calvin care that you think that Tori is a below average looking cheerleader?

I thought best friends had to have similar tastes to really get along.

Allison said...

"Since Aaron has a body like young Jacob Blacks, Calvin has the same brooding sensitivity as Edward and I have more wit, confidence, and charm then every male character in the entire Twilight saga, I think we could have scored some serious digits."

HILARIOUS.

You guys rock. Even though you don't like New Moon. And even though you fall asleep kissing.

Erica said...

I applaud your dislike of this movie. I just had to make that known.

Alexandra said...

"Oh, and undead sperm. That comes later though."- Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM

That's the best way I've ever heard it put.

KatOfDiamonds said...

Haha, I am glad I 'know' someone else who has fallen asleep kissing...

Physcokity said...

Yes. Reading the series probably would have helped to lay a better foundation for your movie viewing, but that is a moo point (yes, I did just say moo point instead of moot point.)

Lizz said...

because it's like a cow's opinion, it's "moo"

ginger said...

frankly, I'm kind of disturbed by how many of your followers/fans are twilight fanatics. wow.

Anonymous said...

wait. tori is only "slightly below average looking"?? she's not even average looking? and calvin is putting up with her crap?! dummmmmmp her, calvin.

p.s. the happening/day after tomorrow/hiv thing is the funniest thing you've ever said.

Sosa said...

Anon 10:44 - She's a slightly below average looking cheerleader. Which means she's still better looking than most girls. There is a difference.

S said...

Did you go to "New Moon" because you actually wanted to see it or to score points with girls.

Anonymous said...

Haha! This post was hilarious! I totally hated the first movie. Me and all my sisters went to see it and made fun of it. Bella acts like she is freakin going to have an orgasm every time she gets around Edward, but my 13 year old sister loved it!

Craig Barlow B. said...

I once read Twilight aloud for two hours to a girl who was driving me home from St. George. And what I learned is that Edward's naked chest is the protagonist of at least the first book, and I assume the movies.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha take that asshats! I got your facebook account deleted. Can't use a fake name bitches.

That was fold 1.

Alexandria said...

Anonymous 2:08 needs to find a more productive way to pass the time...just sayin'

colleenroselle said...

ha seriously^

I can't believe you even blogged about something Twilight related! nottttttt worth it. I almost didn't even read this post!
Yes I am a girl, and yes I hate Twilight.

Lula! said...

I love me some Twilight-related sexual tension. Especially since I'm married. And can easily relieve said sexual tension.

Ahem.

Love me through it.

TechieGirl said...

Anon 2:08 - I pity you.

Lacey said...

It seems there are two types of people who comment on your blog:
1. People who HATE Twilight or REFUSE to read the books or see the movies. These people tend to think they're cool because they're not getting sucked into the 'trend'.
AND
2. People who are twi-hard fans/ aka: twilight saga obsessed

Well I would have to say that I'm an in-betweener. Read the books ONE time; they were entertaining. END OF STORY.
No posters on my wall or swooning when I see the male characters... but I'm not picketing it either and bragging about how I can't stand it and I'm so cool cuz I haven't read it.
Just had to say that. I dunno why.