Monday, November 23, 2009

iPhone = Amazing

I'm lying on a couch in a dark room in Cedar City Utah which is about a 3 and a half hour drive from where I live in Salt Lake. I have stolen Lisa's iPhone. I am going to try and write this post on it. These thongs are pretty much the greatest thing I've ever seen. I remember when I workEed construction, ther was this guy who,, I sort of looked up to at the time because he would always talk about sex and drinking. (at 14 he seemed cool-I was easily impressed) he always used to say, "the most beautiful thing a man will ever, ever, EVER see is the naked body of the woman he loves" I bring up that memory because until I fall in love.., the iPhone is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

I'm too poor to own something like this, I got to play with this kid in my wards iphon, when he shoewd me how to use the facebook app to update my facebook status, other then that though I've never played with one. It is amazing tool! (no, Apple is not paying for this ad... unfortunately - if any of you is related to Steve Jobs, see if you can get him to read this first paragraphvof this post, and maybe he'll be impressed with "me" sohe will just up and give me his company, like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.)

I can't figure out how to zoom out. Or scroll up, or pretty much do anything so..... this could get pretty random.

Okay, I'm going to be extremely brief because this iPhone typing takes more getting used to than I thought it was going to.

Like a moron I decided to surprise Lisa (Sanders-i can't figure out how to make a link with this phone)and just show up in Cedar City. I was texting her, and asked if she had anything going on that night. She said, "no, I'll be doing homework." so I drove my butt down here. The whole time texting her pretending that I was in Salt Lake hanging with my roomies.

I Got here at like 8o clock. I knocked on the door and heard a lot of commotion. After a sec Her roomate answered the door, with a stupid look on her face she says, "oh my word." and then yells "Lisa!!! door!!! It's your friend Jake!" I hear more commotion, sounds like 20 people were in the other room. Lisa jumps around the corner, with a handful of "Apples to "apples cards in her hand. She looked excited and embarrassed and yelled, "Jake?" she ran over to me really fast and gave me a big hug. She was laughing and whispered in my ear, "nice surprise, Jake, I'm on a date." she looks at me, her eyes bouncing back and forth between mine looking for a reaction.

I can only imagine the stupid look on my face. Perhaps a cross between my 8th grade school picture where I'm leaning on that big white plastic 99 (the year duh) so my elbow was on the year - my arm was on the elbow - my fist was on the arm - and the chin of my stupid face was on my fist... So yeah that face, crossed with that other face I make a split second before I get hit in the face with something I see coming. (like this one time at lagoon,, when i looked up to watch a seagull poop mid-flight and then continued to watch it's assent and eventual explosion on to my right cheek bone.) so I'm there with this stupid face. Then her date walks around the corner. "Lisa?" Sanderf and I is still in hug position ,she pulls back and says loudly, "so good to see you!" them looks to this guy and says, "this is Elder Halifax from my mission. He just came to say hi. Uh Jake this is Beau."

perhaps I should have been upset. I mean, would it have hurt for her to say she was on a date? Probably not.

Then again I might havedone the smae thing in her position. Like, what are the chances I was going to pop in unannounced? Why say she has a date, when that could just complicate a thus far uncomplicated situation.

I was actually marveling at her use of logic. It was surprisingly very kind of hot. (I would try to explain how I felt about this to readers a bit better, but it ould take four more paragraphs, also if I don't move on I won't be able to see what I just wrote, and then I'll forget and then this post will make less sense then my usual.) Needless to say I found myself more attracted to her after the discovery of her deceit.

So I'm standing there and I look at Beau for a second and don't say anything. Then at her, then back at him. I'm kind of enjoy this moment because I know it's torture for her. Then I say "Nice to meet you." he invites me into the other room and introduces me. There were 6 couples. All on dates. Beau hands me 4 cards and says, "you know how to play?" I said yes, but said, "You know... as much as being a 7th wheel sounds like fun. I'm actually going to be in town for a couple days so I'll come back tomorrow or something. Is that cool, Lisa?" she blurts a quick laugh, catches herself and says "Really? um.,yeah that would be great." she smiled guiltilie, and I thought being a part of the inside joke was kind of fun.

Lisa walked me out to the door. "you mad?" she asks, "nope, but how soon are you going to be done with bozo in there?" I reply. She grins and says, "Depends on if I get lucky or not." I srarted to reply but she kissed me, then said, "I'll hurry." she kissed me quick again and then went inside.

I knew one other person in Cedar City. She was also a sister missionary that served in my mission. We were in the MTC together. Her name is Renee. I had been flirting with her for a few months. Her and Aaron had a little history together, but even he couldn't close the deal. All of that aside she was a really good friend who I hadn't seen for a long time. I called her and she was at a laundromat.

I went over and met her. She had lost weight (do sisters gain on their missions I thought? I decided I would need to do some sort of survey because every one that I know has lost big) she looked great. She is short and very blonde. She has a beard, but it was so blonde you have to catch the sun in just the right spot sort of behind her to notice it. I never cared about it. Her eyes were really her best feature. We talked while her laundry finished up then went and got some hot chocolate. It was really fun. She's funny, just like I remember.

So, I told Renee about me and Sanders. They didn't know each other well, but they knew each other enough. I figured them knowing would only increase my chances with both of them.

At about 10:30 Lisa called and said the coast was clear and I should come back over. I gave Renee a big hug. I think, pending I don't marry sanders, that I'm going to try and court Renee later.

After getting back to sanders place, we talked and made out. We decided we would get breakfast early so she wanted to go to bed. She wanted me to come with her. I told her I wasn't comfortable with that. Maybe I'm too soon off my mish, cause like I say, my room mates are all fine with sleepovers. apparently so was Lisa and a lot of girl. She didn't push though , and went to bed.

So here I lay on the couch, by myself, while Lisa sleeps in her own bed... I just got a "10%" battery warning so I think the iPhone's done. I can't be bothered to go back and try and proof read either so... Sorry to those of you who hate bad grammar/spelling. I'll see if Calvin is available to proofread. If not, I'll fix it in the morning.

Jake

42 comments:

Guide to Mormon Boys said...

yes. first!

Guide to Mormon Boys said...

also, good for you for not sleeping over. I think I respect you 10X more.

QuasiGeekGirl said...

I whole heartily agree with Guide to Mormon Boys. I'm...iffy on the whole sleep over thing, and the fact that you stayed on the couch made my perception of you go up...waaaaay up.

Congrats with Lisa though. She seems way chill.

Karina said...

You kind of rock.

Anonymous said...

Jake, you're a great and respectable guy. Calvin, you're just a badass. This truly is the greatest blog in the history of blogs.

Cassidie Anne said...

am i the only one who noticed you wrote thong?! i know you couldn't read it but i am cracking up. holy crap that is funny. yeah yeah yeah you are cool too. but you said thong and that is funny.

20 Something said...

I think every girl who reads this is thinking, Holy Crap Lisa is so lucky. I wish the guy I was falling for would do that for me. . . .

Good move.

jaimie said...

that was really risky to write this post from her phone. even if you delete the history..still shady.

Missy said...

I love the iPhone too. I'm considering leaving my husband for it. It's so pretty...
good luck with Sanders. I like her.

Ariel said...

lol haha I noticed the "thong" too. It confused me for a second... I thought maybe jake was talking about how great thongs were in this post. lol.

Caroline said...

thong... hahaha... yeah, that is the iPhone for you, LOVE them, much better than all the knock off wannabe touch screen's out there, but sometimes... you get funny words when typing...

Also, Most sisters do indeed gain weight, at least if they go foreign. Don't know about girls that stay stateside, but all the girls I've known who went foreign gained a good amount of weight.

Oh, and I agree it was a bit risky to do this on her iPhone... hehe, but that adds to the fun!

Ashley said...

I too totally respect you for sleeping on the couch.

And Sanders is awesome.

Kellsi said...

I definitely have a lot more respect for you for sleeping on the couch as well, good job! I'm sure Lisa was probably thinking the same thing in her head after you declined her invitation.

Alexandra said...

Haha, yeah, your grammar was terrible on this post. But it's okay- I've used my sister's iPod touch, and it was a spelling nightmare for me.

Bonus points on driving three hours to surprise a girl. Major bonus points!

TechieGirl said...

I've totally pulled that on a guy before. I was on a date and told him I was in a study group at someone's house. He never found out though...

Lauren said...

Not to sound like a broken record, but "hooray for jake!". I am proud of you, dude. And I am sure Lisa is proud of you too, for turning down the offer.

Katie said...

proud you stayed on the couch. smart move... kinda sad she fibbed to you though

kelleidoscope said...

Those first couple of paragraphs are how all my texts to my friends looked when I first got my phone. Still look like that sometimes.

Nice job at not sleeping with her. You know, literally. Figuratively? Nice job not snoozin' with her Jake.

Jade said...

JAKE!!! You are pretty much a stud! You blew me away when you told Sanders that you probably shouldn't sleep with her, and also when you decided to surprised her with driving down there. Dang you earned some major points there,and I'm sure you earned some major points with Sanders as well.

Oh and leave the typo's in the post they cracked me up through the whole thing especially the thong one, I was thinking oh man what in the world is he doing laying in the dark on a couch, with thongs around.... who did he do what with, haha but it made laugh pretty good. I'm officially Team Jake now!

Alexis! said...

I don't have more respect for you because you didn't sleep in her bed, I do because you knew you weren't comfortable with that. That's great :)

Anonymous said...

I don't think he will be that impressed when he sees your spelling in this post.
-N

Brynn said...

A beard huh? I hope not.
Sounds more like a little bit of peach fuzz by the way you described it.
Now that poor girl is going to be known as the bearded woman on this blog.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

How long were you two hugging? It sounds like a few seconds, but it could have been a few minutes.

If a few seconds, Beau sounds like creeper. Yes, they were on a date, but it was a casual thing. No need to see why she went to the door.

ngthagg said...

Don't fix the typos, they are awesome.

This blog has been a real eye opener for me. I had assumed, when you said sleepover, that that meant sleeping in the same house, rather than sleeping in the same bed. And I (and I think most of my LDS friends) would avoid my definition of sleepover, and be shocked at the idea of your definition of sleepover.

Anonymous said...

What is up with all the girls you guys come in contact with wanting to have sleep overs???? Glad you said no to her. Can't wait to hear how the rest of the weekend goes.

Lauren said...

You rock Jake. You must really like her to drive 3 hours for a surprise visit :) You earned major points last night!

Jessica said...

Yeah...I like this post a lot. I'm happy to hear that there ARE guys out there with enough brains to not sleep in the same bed with a girl.

Props to you.
I like you 10000 times more.

Nat said...

I like Sanders. She is cool.


don't edit...i think the grammer mistakes make it all part of the honesty of this blog.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Okay, per your request I will not edit the original post I just added a couple links and my picture.

-j

Ryan Hadlock said...

I'm totally addicted to the iPhone, it's pretty cool. For those worried about Sanders finding his browsing history on her iPhone, clearing the browser history is super easy, hopefully he figured that out.

Jake, I'm guessing the seagull poop descended and exploded on your cheek, eh? Ascending would have been defying gravity. ;-)

And I gotta say, I may be thinking you're full of crap. I never really cared if this was fake or not, and I still don't, but potentially playing the former sisters off each other in hopes of getting one if the other falls through?!?!?! There isn't a green RM on the planet that is that much of a player. Curious.

Tara said...

I've been waiting to hear more about 'Lisa Sanders', whom by the way is in my ward in Mississippi.

Anyway, it sounds like the player met a player. Ha! I love it! I hope you fall desperately in love with her, and then she tell you she doesn't deserve you.

I thought it was interesting that you said you would date Renee after Lisa. Why not just date them both at the same time? Isn't that what you would normally do?

M and C said...

Lol the thong still had me confused until I read the comments haha too funny. I like her!

Sierra said...

I'm glad people mentioned it is dangerous to your anonymity to blog on some else's phone haha. But this is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Totally random totally awesome.

siovhan said...

this is hysterical, and decidedly honest. i love the discussion of the iphone -- and kudos on having the kahones and spontaneity to just go see her! i love that! and i'm sure it's winning you big points.

Lorelei said...

Uhg...nothing good comes from sleepovers! So tempting...but no. Don't get ever get comfortable with them.

xoxo Lorelei

colleenroselle said...

"She has a beard"



hahahaha how sad

Laura said...

just a little fyi...she could read what u wrote and posted and find out about the blog...
i like how u drove to go see her! thats the best.

Hip 'n Critical Me said...

My favorite misspelling was "guiltillie." That's not even close! Although, thong is pretty hilarious as well.

P.S. Sleeping over when it comes to boy/girl homes means sleeping under the same roof. Not in the same bed! Scandalous!

Declarations of a Drama Diva said...

Cudos to you for not sleeping in the same bed. ...seriously I don't see why people do it. I know sometimes I stay up really late with a guy... really really late. But I don't intentionally think... hey come sleep over... IN MY ROOM....

No...

Tiffany said...

I am done. I Started reading your blog 3 days ago and now I have just finished reading every post you have ever written on here. It was good stuff. Now that I am all caught up I cant wait to hear what happens next.

Also I like that you did not sleep in the same bed as Sister Sanders tonight. Good job.

Brenn said...

What is up w/ these girls and sleepovers? I'm glad you slept on the couch -- I like you even more now. sanders sounds way way fun.... I like her! Hope she doesn't catch you on her iphone!

The Boob Nazi said...

Can I be the one naysayer and say I wish you had slept in her bed? It'd make for an even more interesting post, I'm sure.