Meat Market

Generally speaking, I think Single’s Wards suck. I’m not talking about the movie, Singles Ward, though that sucked as well… I’m talking about actual Singles Wards. I know they get a bad rap from girls cause of the whole “meat market” comparison, but to be honest I don’t really hear guys complain about them much. I mean, as long as there are a dozen or so hot girls in the ward, guys are going to be happy, I think.

Lately, I’ve noticed some things about our singles ward and I’m pretty sure it happens at every singles ward… at least in America. After church on Fast Sundays they have a Break the Fast meal… or even at the more common “Linger Longer” where they encourage everyone to stick around after church and just chit chat, it’s like the whole thing is carefully designed to match people up. I’ve noticed that guys get really possessive of the girls they feel like belong to them. I never dare to walk up to girls and introduce myself, but that’s why we have Aaron and Lance. I always love to stand against the wall and watch Aaron walk up to a co-ed table and just start talking. The guys just stare at him like he’s the biggest d-bag in the world. But Aaron and Lance deserve most of the credit for the success of our bachelor pad. They’re the ones who talk to the girls and invite them over to our house.

I’ve gone to girls houses for FHE or something and I end up just sitting there while everyone is laughing and joking around me. I just do so much better when the girl is at my house. It’s kind of like when you breed dogs. It’s better if you bring the bitch over to the studs house for the breeding. Then the stud is in his territory and he can control the situation better. He can follow the girl around with his nose in her butt while she’s looking around and trying to get a feel for the environment. It just works better for both of them. That’s like our house. I just seem to do better in my own environment.

A couple of Sundays ago, I was sitting in one of the smaller Sunday School classes. Sometimes I choose to go to the smaller, less interesting classes because usually it’s more intimate and there’s more opportunity for me to contribute my personal dodgy opinions, you know… like, less competition. At the beginning of the class, the teacher says she wants to go around the room so we can introduce ourselves and say something interesting about ourselves. I hate stuff like that. I get so nervous which is so lame cause it’s really not that hard. I just don’t like the idea of forced first impressions. Let me just make my first impression when I’m ready.

As we’re going around the class, people are being so stupid. One guy says he decided to quit working for the Highway Patrol cause he almost got hit by soooo many cars on the freeway. I’m thinking, “You’re barely 22. You worked for UHP for grand total of 3 months.” Meanwhile, the girls were swooning as they pictured him in a uniform with a gun on his belt, which I’m sure is exactly what he wanted. Nobody bothered to ask him what he does for a living now. He probably works at a hobby shop selling remote control cars or something. Then another guy said, “Something interesting about me is that I’ve been told that I have an amazing sense of humor. I guess I’m a really funny guy.” I look around and see girls smiling and nodding, probably thinking “I can’t wait to hang out with him so I can really laugh so hard at everything he says… you know… since he’s pretty sure he’s funny.” I was just thinking, “Funny people don’t tell everyone how funny they are. That’s just ridiculous.”

Luckily, I came prepared that Sunday. I had joked with my roommates that morning about how sad I was that it wasn’t socially acceptable for adults to bring Cheerio’s to snack on during Sacrament meeting like when we were little. So I had grabbed one of Nick’s Ziplock storage containers and filled it with Cheerios. I took my scriptures out of my zippered scripture bag and replaced it with the container of Cheerios. I had to walk carefully all morning so nobody heard the Cheerios shaking around in the plastic container. When it was finally my turn, I started to unzip my scripture case as I introduced myself. Then I pulled the lid off of the Ziplock as I said, “Something interesting about myself is probably that I’m good at archery and darts. Pretty much anything with a point, I’m really good at throwing, except for knives.” Then I took about 5 or 6 Cheerios and put them in my mouth.

You might be wondering why I’m not telling you what any of the girls said about themselves. Well, it’s because I wasn’t listening to them. I was too busy focusing on my competition and trying to decide if I could beat them up if it came right down to it. I honestly didn’t and don’t care what is interesting about any girls in our singles ward. I might be interested down the road if they pass the “attractiveness” test, but I just can’t be bothered to listen to and try to remember every irritating fact about 15 different girls in a 10 minute period.

On an unrelated note, I really miss hearing the sound of toddlers’ heads hitting the wood pews during the sacrament. I wish more adults would hit their heads on the pews. It would help keep things interesting, I think.

-Calvin