Friday, November 13, 2009

Meat Market

Generally speaking, I think Single’s Wards suck. I’m not talking about the movie, Singles Ward, though that sucked as well… I’m talking about actual Singles Wards. I know they get a bad rap from girls cause of the whole “meat market” comparison, but to be honest I don’t really hear guys complain about them much. I mean, as long as there are a dozen or so hot girls in the ward, guys are going to be happy, I think.

Lately, I’ve noticed some things about our singles ward and I’m pretty sure it happens at every singles ward… at least in America. After church on Fast Sundays they have a Break the Fast meal… or even at the more common “Linger Longer” where they encourage everyone to stick around after church and just chit chat, it’s like the whole thing is carefully designed to match people up. I’ve noticed that guys get really possessive of the girls they feel like belong to them. I never dare to walk up to girls and introduce myself, but that’s why we have Aaron and Lance. I always love to stand against the wall and watch Aaron walk up to a co-ed table and just start talking. The guys just stare at him like he’s the biggest d-bag in the world. But Aaron and Lance deserve most of the credit for the success of our bachelor pad. They’re the ones who talk to the girls and invite them over to our house.

I’ve gone to girls houses for FHE or something and I end up just sitting there while everyone is laughing and joking around me. I just do so much better when the girl is at my house. It’s kind of like when you breed dogs. It’s better if you bring the bitch over to the studs house for the breeding. Then the stud is in his territory and he can control the situation better. He can follow the girl around with his nose in her butt while she’s looking around and trying to get a feel for the environment. It just works better for both of them. That’s like our house. I just seem to do better in my own environment.

A couple of Sundays ago, I was sitting in one of the smaller Sunday School classes. Sometimes I choose to go to the smaller, less interesting classes because usually it’s more intimate and there’s more opportunity for me to contribute my personal dodgy opinions, you know… like, less competition. At the beginning of the class, the teacher says she wants to go around the room so we can introduce ourselves and say something interesting about ourselves. I hate stuff like that. I get so nervous which is so lame cause it’s really not that hard. I just don’t like the idea of forced first impressions. Let me just make my first impression when I’m ready.

As we’re going around the class, people are being so stupid. One guy says he decided to quit working for the Highway Patrol cause he almost got hit by soooo many cars on the freeway. I’m thinking, “You’re barely 22. You worked for UHP for grand total of 3 months.” Meanwhile, the girls were swooning as they pictured him in a uniform with a gun on his belt, which I’m sure is exactly what he wanted. Nobody bothered to ask him what he does for a living now. He probably works at a hobby shop selling remote control cars or something. Then another guy said, “Something interesting about me is that I’ve been told that I have an amazing sense of humor. I guess I’m a really funny guy.” I look around and see girls smiling and nodding, probably thinking “I can’t wait to hang out with him so I can really laugh so hard at everything he says… you know… since he’s pretty sure he’s funny.” I was just thinking, “Funny people don’t tell everyone how funny they are. That’s just ridiculous.”

Luckily, I came prepared that Sunday. I had joked with my roommates that morning about how sad I was that it wasn’t socially acceptable for adults to bring Cheerio’s to snack on during Sacrament meeting like when we were little. So I had grabbed one of Nick’s Ziplock storage containers and filled it with Cheerios. I took my scriptures out of my zippered scripture bag and replaced it with the container of Cheerios. I had to walk carefully all morning so nobody heard the Cheerios shaking around in the plastic container. When it was finally my turn, I started to unzip my scripture case as I introduced myself. Then I pulled the lid off of the Ziplock as I said, “Something interesting about myself is probably that I’m good at archery and darts. Pretty much anything with a point, I’m really good at throwing, except for knives.” Then I took about 5 or 6 Cheerios and put them in my mouth.

You might be wondering why I’m not telling you what any of the girls said about themselves. Well, it’s because I wasn’t listening to them. I was too busy focusing on my competition and trying to decide if I could beat them up if it came right down to it. I honestly didn’t and don’t care what is interesting about any girls in our singles ward. I might be interested down the road if they pass the “attractiveness” test, but I just can’t be bothered to listen to and try to remember every irritating fact about 15 different girls in a 10 minute period.

On an unrelated note, I really miss hearing the sound of toddlers’ heads hitting the wood pews during the sacrament. I wish more adults would hit their heads on the pews. It would help keep things interesting, I think.

-Calvin

80 comments:

Lauren said...

I really miss hearing the sound of toddlers’ heads hitting the wood pews during the sacrament. I wish more adults would hit their heads on the pews.

Brilliant.

And cheerios in your bag? Love it. I personally bring cheez-its. Or sometimes Clif Bars if we forgot breakfast. People hate us when they smell the deliciousness of our snacks.

Fi said...

Could any post better epitomize the definition of random than this one?

I will FedEx you our ward's toddlers, if you like!

Fi said...

P.S. I especially enjoy when the toddlers behind me play with little plastic giraffes and donkeys, and make them dance in my hair. As an added bonus, I will wrap those up along with the toddlers when I carry out the aforementioned FedEx-ing.

whyimstillsingle said...

Brilliant. As always.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

So... did they laugh at the cheerios bit?

And what, no birthday party details?

Cajsa said...

I love that you just compared every girl that comes to your house with "The bitch." Hilarious!

Kayla said...

haha, we they do the whole "name and interesting fact about you", before institute classes..and it always cracks me up when people try to out intrest each other..when they just turn out to look like freakin weirdos..and leave me *facepalming* saying what the hell?
you guys are brilliant.

Miss_Pippa said...

I have NO idea what a single ward is. Just sayin.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Miis_Pippa: A regular Mormon ward is a congregation, consisting of families and people of the community.
A singles ward is that, but just for single people, so there is more interaction with people your own age.

Miss_Pippa said...

Wow. I wish they had that in the UK. Would certainly beat Student Nights getting drunk at the Chicago Rock cafe. Which, by the way, sucks.

Danielle said...

" ... in his territory ... he can control the situation better. He can follow the girl around with his nose in her butt ... " If I ever end up with a guy following me around with his nose in my butt, I'll know I've found you out.

Heather said...

"It’s kind of like when you breed dogs. It’s better if you bring the bitch over to the studs house for the breeding. Then the stud is in his territory and he can control the situation better. He can follow the girl around with his nose in her butt while she’s looking around ... That’s like our house."

lol I laughed out loud at this. I hope you're a little less forward than that with the girls that come to your house.

"I really miss hearing the sound of toddlers’ heads hitting the wood pews during the sacrament. I wish more adults would hit their heads on the pews."

I agree with Lauren. That is true brilliance right there.

shirley elizabeth said...

"An addiction to hands and feet- there's a meat market down the street, the boys and girls watch each other eat, when they really just wanna watch each other sleep"

My family constituted 95% of all pew-inflicted head injuries in our stake.

Not just a baggie of Cheerios, but a scripture case full.

Scott said...

Do they have the picture directory for your singles ward? We called them Menus. I always thought it was a pretty blatant tactic to get people interested in each other. It is kinda like the "you have 30 seconds to say something interesting about yourself to attract someone of the opposite sex." But instead it is the "this one picture will determine what everyone in the ward initially thinks of you." Lots of pressure with that picture, so you better make it a good one...

caitlin said...

Do you know what's even better than your own ward's linger longer? Another ward's linger longer. You just slip in, grab a baked potato, and slip out. That's how my rommates and I feed ourselves every Fast Sunday.

Anonymous said...

Dude. I bring a bag of cheerios with me everywhere. Mad props on that.

Heather said...

Haha Caitlin, you are awesome. =)

M and C said...

love it.

the "L" spot said...

The dog comparison was great!

Amy said...

Ha. This cracked me up. Cheerios- classic. Singles Ward really is like that. I'm the person in my ward who does the break the fast/linger longer thing. I hate it because while setting up food and stuff, I really get to watch the yucky flirtation that goes on in the room. I hate the guys who are stuck up and full of themselves who go around like they own the place. They want to take every single girl out for ice cream so they can talk about themselves, then make out with her after. Stupid.

I think the dead silence in sacrament meeting is creepy. I too miss the sound of toddlers' heads hitting the pews, but not the crying that follows.

Alexis! said...

I love the dog analogy, lol. Awesome post.

brinleyr said...

The chick that was in charge of our "Linger Longer" would change whe name of it every week. We actually call ours Munch and Mingle though. Ridiculous.

For a while Bishop's wife made us wear name tags..she gave me the stink eye once when I was reaching for some fruit and I didn't have a required name tag on.

Living In Your Letters said...

The sound of toddler's hitting their heads on the wooden pews is so distinctive...I'd miss it too.

My question is, what kind of cheerios? Frosted cheerios are the greatest.

Great post, Calvin.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Amy: Flirtation is yucky? I understand the objection about guys talking about themselves, but flirting?

Also, in some instances the sound of toddlers can be deafening. Before my family's ward split in Tooele, There were over a hundred toddlers that were in attendance. It was crazy and hardly anything could be heard. So sometimes the silence is good.

Kate said...

The funny thing about single's wards is, although they suck (which I agree with you at that) if I had a dime for every time I heard a couple say they met at a single's ward I would be stinkin' rich.
So, something must be working, I guess.
I was never fond of that scene. Luckily I didn't have to meet my husband there.

Kate said...

P.S. I agree with you on that one: funny people don't have to tell people how funny they are. Like an oxymoron... oxymormon?

kage said...

It seems no matter which singles ward I go to you all act the same. Go figure.

Just one off the wall question to Calvin or Jake...

Once you complete your spousal hunt, do you plan to divulge this little web page to her?

Summer said...

HA HA this has to be one of my favorite posts ever! Calvin you are brilliantly hilarious. I had a roommate once take a bag of marshmallows into sacrament but since she had a big purse no one really noticed but we were Very happy that sacrament! Also I love this cause my Singles Ward is exactly like you described even in the classes! love it!Caitlin-me and my roommates do that too and because it's in church its not like anyone can say no if they realize your not in their ward :)

- said...

hahaha I love the cheerios being eaten. What were the girls reactions towards your introduction?

Melissa said...

This was the most ridiculous post ever. I freaking loved it. I totally hate giving out forced pieces of information about myself like that. I should just start lying and be known as the girl who lies a lot. At least it'd be memorable right? And well... I say screw the masses. I totally bring ziplock bags full of cheerios to church. Am I four? Might be. Quite literate for a four year old eh?

Amy said...

Sam- the flirtation I see is yucky. I don't mean all flirtation is yucky.... of course not. Flirting is fun. But not the touchy and 13-yr-old giggly girl and batting eyelashes kind that goes on every Sunday. I am not exaggerating either. Eww.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

What are they, 13?

Amy said...

I honestly think so...

Anonymous said...

Remember the part where you said funny people don't have to tell everyone they're funny? Yeah, funny people also don't have to have a ridiculous gimmick to tell everyone they're funny either. If I were in your ward, I would label you the D-bag to stay away from.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Of course, if you were in their wad, you wouldn't know who to label the douche.

Also they aren't saying that they are funny. Others are. They're just blogging about it and getting a bunch of responses.

SBL said...

I'm such a masochist. I keep coming back to this blog. I love that your followers don't have a clue who you are but yet defend you to the hilt in their comments. Keep up the ridiculuosness' of this train wreck.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Or I just find this blog funny and a great satire about Mormon boys.

Bekah Buttons said...

What's a single's ward? You didn't give me a link so I'm confused.

ONLY singles in your ward?

Bekah Buttons said...

does Fast Sunday just have less hours? Thus it goes faster? or do you... Fast? As in.. restrain from cheerios?

Angela said...

Best post ever. So dang funny. I've never been to a singles ward... married out of my home ward, and now a bit later I find myself single yet again, but with kids. So still doing the family ward. So I don't understand the quiet, or the having to sneak the cheerios. Because we have cheerios and fruitsnacks flying all over our bench. And at least one of my toddlers cracks their head against the pew each Sunday. Never a dull moment.

Anyways, LOVED seeing inside the workings of a singles ward.

SBL said...

Me too Sam. Me too. That's why I keep coming back for more.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Blast you SBL, I was expecting you to disagree with me so I could link to XKCD.

Sad times.

Mauri said...

Yeah I'm not a huge fan of singles wards either. People try WAY TOO HARD sometimes. I hate when I'm sitting at church minding my own business & weirdos walk up to me & start talking to me like they know me or want to get to know me way too fast for just meeting. They are either trying way too hard to meet girls or they're on the "fellowship committee" either way, I think I'd prefer pew head hitting & snacks over awkward forced get to know you crap every Sunday.

Love that you actually took cheerios to church. Next week take goldfish :)

Katie said...

You've described singles wards perfectly. Love it. Love this blog, you guys are freaking hilarious. It only makes me wish there were guys like you in my own singles ward.

Kate said...

I also think that it is funny that people defend this blog like they were personally attacked.
One of the things that makes this blog so great to read IS the opposing views and opinions. Why do people need to get upset when someone disagrees with them? IT'S NOT PERSONAL PEOPLE... as long as you're not calling people names and stuff.

SBL said...

I'm a lover not a hater Sam. Pretty funny website.

Alexandria said...

Okay so probably another 'I am not schooled in the ways of Mormon business' question...but do you HAVE to go to a single's ward if you are single?

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Alexandria: No. You can go to a regular family ward if you so choose. There's just less people your age there.

seanm said...

So this one time, I was visiting my family ward in florida for christmas, spring break (self-created), or some other random holiday i made or took advantage of to leave utah, this toddler gets on his back and starts kicking the air as though he's riding a bicycle. My dad, who is usually pretty stoic in sacrament (our main congregational meeting, similar in function to a catholic mass, but not in form), actually got out his cell phone and took a picture. It was a good show. I put down my ipod (entertainment of choice during church, i usually play worms) to watch.

Brenn said...

I'm totally terrified of all of those things in my singles wards -- munch and mingle, cookies and convo, whatever -- I'm pretty new to singles wards, and these FREAK ME OUT! This post was hysterical though -- love that you brought cheerios... brilliant!

Brenn said...

I'm totally terrified of all of those things in my singles wards -- munch and mingle, cookies and convo, whatever -- I'm pretty new to singles wards, and these FREAK ME OUT! This post was hysterical though -- love that you brought cheerios... brilliant!

Lonnie B. said...

What... are you all British or something? Why is everyone using the word brillant?!?!

Jody said...

awesome post, cal. too funny funny. i miss the entertainment of the kiddos in sacrament meeting also.

Autumn said...

I agree. The kids in sacrament meeting keep things interesting. WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU USE A BREEDING DOG ANALOGY!?! That's so freaking hilarious and I have never thought about it that way. Pretty funny post :]

Allison said...

Hm.. I guess I'm thick headed. I don't get it. URG.

ON a side note- I'm glad you feel good at home... that's important! :D

Anonymous said...

My husband introduced himself to me at a "Break the Fast" I am glad for the Singles Ward!
-Natali

Jade said...

Calvin your to funny, the whole dog analogy, made my night. Oh and next time try a cheerio's chocolate chips, and marshmallows mixture that's the best.

Sara said...

So church is a meat market and your house is a dog show. Seriously I want to meet the people that raised you. They've got to be a riot.

Zabes-Yap said...

Hmm... sounds like your on a negative note. Things not going so well with "miss perfect"? Sorry bud!

Hello Dave said...

What you should have done is listen to what three or four of the other girls said, cause most likely the other guys where checking out their competition too. That way you know if you can beat up a dude, but you also remember what three or four girls said to appear sensitive and get in the door with them.

Rachelle said...

lol Calvin i think i love you....

Repentant Peter Priesthood said...

Things I've observed and learned reading this blog.

1) Most girls don't expect guys to be totally clean.
2) Girls like Making Out and don't generally care about NCMO.
3) Confidence and Humor wins out at the end of the day.
4) Women clearly don't get upset about attractiveness tests, metaphors comparing them to dogs, and other things as long as the guy is witty, funny and attractive.
5) Mormon Bachelor Pad is awesome.

Jen said...

Okay, if I didn't know better, I'd seriously think my husband was writing this blog - or at least this post. And that's a compliment, I promise! While on the LOS I'd definitely put him on the 7.5 or 8 level, it was his sense of humor that I fell in love with. He wanted me to tell you guys that you're sure to get really hot wives!

jaimie said...

i don't like your bitches and studs comparison. it's bad taste.

HedaWood said...

I agree with Jaimie, but the singles ward description is great.
There is a trade-off with home wards, though. My ward is the newly wed, nearly dead ward. Right now I'm 1 of 5 people in my age group.
The upside to family wards = primary callings. Sure the kids are crazy, but you get to color, sing, and play games. Could church be better? I submit that it cannot!

Nikki said...

Singles wards suck worse than getting a tooth pulled. Not only is it a freaking meat market, but everybody knows SW girls all back stab each other as they compete for the male attention in the ward. It's so pathetic. The sought after attention comes from guys who are nothing but a bunch of masturbators. Poor sad built up virgins looking for something to think about late at night or in the shower. Yeah I said it MBP dudes. You know it's true. Don't make me bitch slap you in the street. Singles wards are hormonal tribunals and I would rather ram a fork in my eye than attend one...unless some hot gay guy that all the girls made dinner for 67 times comes out of the closet while bearing his testimony, then hell yes! I'm in! :)N

Nikki said...

:)

Kelly said...

Loved this post! I can just picture you with your Cheerios.

So glad Nikki's back too. Her comments are just as fun- in a weird way.

TechieGirl said...

Sam, The Nanti_SARRMM - Major props for knowing XKCD!

SBL, seanm, and Repent Peter Priesthood, I loved your comments! I'm glad guys read this too. You're comments are always the funniest. =)

I'm actually on our linger longer, break the fast committee in my Singles Branch and omg! it's ridiculous the hoops that we have to jump through to put those together. I would much prefer that we all just pitch in and make Subway cater those things.

Nikki - You're right about the back stabbing. I dated a guy for a few months in the branch I'm in now, and none of the girls will talk to me anymore. Despite the fact that when we broke up every girl was immediately there to comfort him....lol

Katie said...

oh and by the way, the whole thing about it not being acceptable to bring cheerios/snacks to church? i totally find that acceptable. My sister and her husband have brought candy and snacks with them to Church since they got married. I think it's a great idea. I mean, just because you aren't 5 doesn't mean you can't get hungry during Church!

Alexandra said...

1: I hate single's wards. Luckily I've managed to "need" to be out of town most weekends since May or something, and my single's ward probably think I'm inactive, but I get to go to my old family ward, where people are awesome and little kids do funny things.
2: don't worry about listening to the girls introduce themselves; if you remember what ANYONE besides you said for introductions, you're probably ahead of everyone else.
3: I like to pretend it's still socially acceptable to bring snacks to church.

Craig Barlow B. said...

I would consider myself an adult, and I hit my head on the pews all the time. The only thing that prevents me from hitting the pews is there are no pews in my singles ward. I have subsequently been rescued from recurring shame.

Sara said...

Calvin could I be right in thinking your real initials are C.A... just a hunch. I mean I guess you could always lie, but wheres the fun in that. There's also the possibility I'm completly wrong, but hey, why not give it a go.

Ivy said...

You made me laugh today... you could say you are funny!
Dog breeding, really? What a comparison.
Loved the toddler head banging part. I have toddlers... sometimes I wish that sound would be silenced, that is why I love nap time.
Cheers

anna said...

even my kids won't eat the cheerios. have you ever tried to sneak in those cheese and crackers dip things? now, those take talent to crack open after the sacrament is passed.

Physcokity said...

definitely brings new meaning to the phrase brown nosing. lol.

Physcokity said...

DUDE! everybody knows that you use plastic sandwich bags for CTs. We tried Lemon Heads once, and definitely learned the hard way. They spilled out on the metal chairs.

Lula! said...

I love how you're all, "every singles' ward in America." You mean out West. 'Cause here in the Bible belt, there ain't no such thing as a Ward. (Two words: Southern Baptist. Yes, there's the occasional Catholic, Lutheran, Presbyterian, and a ton of Methodists and non-denoms, but Baptists rule the south. I'm not bragging or anything--just stating a fact. I'm sure there are Jews 'round these parts, too--I've just never met one.) I never even knew any Mormons until I met Lauren last year.

Seriously.

(Just like I didn't know there were LDS peeps in Ireland--till I went there. Doing mission work. Of the evangelical type.)

I still don't understand the concept of a ward. And here I thought I learned so much from watching Big Love.

What's "sacrament?" I know what it means to Catholics, as I was one for 19 years, but I'm guessing it's something different for y'all.

What is Fast Sundays? Is it just on Sundays? Because Jesus never specified a particular date, you know.

I'm banging my head against the pew. Even though I'm not a toddler.







p.s. Y'all know that I seethe with sarcasm, right? About Big Love, that is. Bill Paxton's boo-tay is NOT all that. Ewwwwww.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

A ward is a congregation essentially. It's usually a congregation that all live within certain geometrical boundaries.

Sacrament is similar to the Catholic's version; Every Sunday, every worthy member (or non member if he or she chooses to partake) eats a small piece of bread and a small bit of water that is passed around in trays, in remembrance of the Savior and his sacrifice for his. The taking of the sacrament is also a way to renew our covenants with the Lord, to follow his commandments and such.

Fast Sunday: Although we, as members, are encouraged to fast when we so desire, the first Sunday of the month is set apart by the Church to be a day of fasting. But as I said, we can fast whenever.

caitsheaaaa said...

that last little paragraph is the funniest thing I have ever heard. I feel really bad though because I always laugh :/