The Burden of Anonymity

It's my turn to write a post, and I got nothing. When Calvin came up with this idea, I honestly thought it would die out in a couple months. Instead it blew up, and the attention is altogether overwhelming. It might be really exciting if I was getting famous. If I could capitalize on all of the attractive nubile women commenting on our posts and joining our Facebook group that would really justify all this.

Instead I am walking around secretly hoping that someone someday will suspect me and accuse me of writing the Mormon Bachelor Pad. I can't wait for that day.

I was at Church today and the Sunday School lesson was sooooo boring. I wasn't sitting by my roommates, I got stuck sitting between this Korean girl who was fresh enough off the boat that I don't think she's learned about the concept of the daily American shower, and Shelly, who we in the house very affectionately call "Shelly smelly belly full of smelly Jelly Shelly" She is not actually smelly, and technically she doesn't even have a belly. She is just fat everywhere so that her belly is swallowed up in her fatness. It's a shame because Shelly is really nice, and has a cute enough face that I think if she lost 120-140 lbs she might be like a 7.

Anyway, it was hot and I was tired from my uneventful weekend of staying up late watching the first 3 seasons of Lost for the first time (a life changing experience), So when the Bishopric Secretary came into Sunday School to slyly call someone out into the hallway for a meeting, I just stood up and exited the room. I wandered the halls for a bit and ended up upstairs in the big tabled area of the institute.

As I reached the top of the stairs I heard a girl say "Mormon Bachelor Pad" amidst some mumbled chatter. I looked over to see a group of 5 girls and one guy sitting around a round table. There were about 15 other random people sitting in different spots around that open area. So I coyly sat in one of the soft chairs nearby, picked up a Book of Mormon and pretended to read it in order to eavesdrop on their conversation.

A blonde girl was saying, "...and Chrissy totally wants to be rated. She actually chatted with Calvin on Facebook for like an hour." The guy asked, "So how do you know they are even guys? Or what if they are like 40 or even 50?" I thought his emphasis on the 10 year age difference was a little bit funny. Then this other blondie said, "We don't. It could be you for all we know..." Then she raised her eyebrow at him and said, "...are you sure your name is Ryan? Or should I call you, Jake?" "Ryan laughed and said, "If it's not a 40 year old woman, it's definitely a gay dude. I am not gay."

They blabbed about gayness for a while and proposition 8, and then got off on their Second Councilor and how inappropriate some of his comments were sometimes. I didn't think they'd make it back to talking about MBP until Ryan said, "So none of you guys asked to be rated." Each of the girls shook their head, and the blonde said, "No, but if they do rate some girls on their blog I am totally gonna read about it." Ryan responded, "If they really are RM's they're definitely gonna use this rating thing to hook up with some girls." All were in agreement and then blondie said, "There is no way they are going to be honest. If some girls that just aren't very cute get rated it's not like they're gonna say, 'Hey, you're a 3 because your nose is huge and you're fat.'" This Brunette girl disagreed, "I think they will. No one knows who they are, what do they have to be afraid of?"

Ryan asked, "Really? ...Really!? Would they really say something like that?" He laughed, "That'd be so funny!" There was some debate. The blonde said, "Yeah, Ryan, you should read this blog. I would love to hear what you think? You know, if guys really think like these two." Just then, I noticed Calvin and Aaron walking towards me with a couple of chicks from our ward. I got up and walked downstairs with them.

I was pretty astonished that I overheard complete strangers talking about our blog. I wanted to jump into their conversation and play the devils advocate on a couple of topics. I formulated all my points in my head which all would have been a lot of fun. I was too nervous, though. Nervous that by interjecting they would somehow know that I was, in fact, Jake.

So far, Calvin and I have not actually responded to anyone's request to be rated. We have received so many requests that we figured we better be sort of organized about it, and make an event of it so that it isn't something we have to feel pressured to do for the rest of the time our blog is in existence.

HERE IS WHAT WE HAVE DECIDED TO DO. (Sorry for the "all caps" thing I know that makes it seem like I'm yelling, I am not, I just wanted to make sure everyone is clear about this.) We will rate anyone who asks to be rated. We will NOT rate people just because they are our facebook friend. (I mean, we're guys and we will rate you simply for existing. However we will not make it know to you unless you request it.) We will do the ratings two ways.

First, girls will only be rated on the LOS.

Second, we will give you two options to being rated.

• Option 1: Private - Send an email to mormonbachelorpad@gmail.com (even if you've already requested a rating) with "rate me privately" in the subject line. During the week of Christmas we will send you an email back with Calvin and I's rating of you.
• Option 2: Public - Send us an email to mormonbachelorpad@gmail.com (even if you've already requested a rating) with "rate me publicly" in the subject line. On Christmas Day we will make a blog post where we will post your first name, picture of our choice from your Facebook account, and our rating of you.

I know some of you are thinking, "Who would seriously let these jokers rate them on the world wide web?" We have received numerous, numerous requests and when we've asked if we could do it publicly about 20% have responded "yes." I would hope everyone pays close attention to our rating scale disclaimer at the bottom of this post.

You're also probably thinking "Why December?" Hopefully that gives you an indication of how many requests we've received.

I've realized that if we were revealed as the actual writers right now, it probably wouldn't matter that much, but after we start rating girls (and with each story we tell,) it will become more and more paramount that we never reveal who we are. Because we will be completely honest. That is, after all, the purpose of this blog - an honest look into the minds of two men. No... not every man, just us two men.

It sucks because a lot of you are really cute. The burden of doing this is that we cannot, and will not ever be able to use this blog to meet girls... at least not any way I can see.

Jake

ps Some details of the overheard conversation were altered slightly. Also, we assumed that similar conversations are happening all across the globe (cocky?)... so we're pretty sure our anonymity will still be intact following this post... hopefully.