Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Look to the Right

When I arrived in my first area in Ireland, I was introduced to my companion and the two other missionaries that we'd be living with. It was a pretty surreal experience, being 19 years old in Ireland... living with three other missionaries who were close to my same age. And we were expected to follow a huge list of mission rules with very little supervision. I mean... our mission president interviewed us once a month to make sure everything was ok, but for the most part we were trusted to make good choices and obey the rules we'd promised to obey.

I remember my very first P-day. The other three elders needed a haircut, but I had just received one a week before as I was leaving the MTC and getting ready to fly to Ireland. All four of us hopped on a bus and ended up riding for about 25 minutes until we got to the hair salon the other Elders had chosen. I thought it was odd because we'd driven past several barbershops on the way to this hair salon. As I walked into the hair salon, I was shocked to see some of the most beautiful hair stylists I'd ever seen. They all smiled and greeted us with "Hey Elders!" I sat idly by as the other three had their haircuts. I listened to them talking and subtly flirting with each other. I thought it seemed odd, but I was a Greenie so everything seemed odd at that point.

I found out later that the salon was kind of an area landmark, of sorts. That particular hair salon had been where the Elders in that area had their haircuts for months... maybe even years... decades possibly. None of the stylists were Mormon, but they were all so freaking hot. It made perfect sense. I didn't realize it at the time (since I was new and not quite as desperate for female affection), but getting a haircut by an attractive woman is pretty much the closest thing to a girlfriend slash relationship that an Elder can have during his two year mission. It's one of those "acceptable" things that so many missionaries take advantage of. A hot girl is standing so close to you that you can smell the shampoo she used that morning. She's six inches away from your ear... talking to you about... something. Anything. Then she runs her fingers through your hair and, if you're lucky, she'll slowly brush the hair off the back of your neck with her fingers. To a 19-21 year old male missionary... that's pretty much all we get for two years. It's rough.

So it's no surprise that the first thing most missionaries want to do when they get home is to spend time alone with as many girls as they possibly can... in a virtuous and completely chaste way of course. They're typically socially retarded for at least six months after their return. Luckily, most Mormon girls know this and try extra hard to be patient and understanding.

I've only kissed six girls since I got home from my mission this last February... including Tori. Honestly, I think it should be more than that. I think at least one a month is decent... but two or three a month would be totally awesome. I'm getting kind of sick of Tori, though, and I think it might be time to move on.

She texted me pretty late last night and asked if I'd come over and "put [her] to sleep". I guess that means "play with my hair while you sit in an uncomfortable position by my bed and I fall asleep to your gentle yet amazingly masculine touch". When I got there, Tori and I went into her room (don't ask about whether her parents approve, cause she doesn't seem to be bothered, so neither do I) and I watched her get ready for bed again. As she laid in bed Tori said, "I'd ask you to lay by me, but I've gotten in trouble in the past so I can't trust myself anymore." I replied, "I understand. I'll just kneel here and we can cuddle." So there I am, with the bottom half of my body hanging off the side of her bed, while the top half of my body is pretty much as close to her as it can get. Tori says, "That looks so uncomfortable, Calvin. Just come up here." I climb onto her bed and lay next to her. Then Tori says, "Just so you know... if anything bad happens at all, we won't be able to date anymore." To be honest, I considered making sure something DID happen just so I didn't have to date her anymore... but at the end of the day, she's really hot and I love making out with her. Plus, our relationship has a built in expiration date. She'll be leaving for college in a few months and that'll be it.

Tori's lamp was still on, but she looked at me just as she was drifting off and said, "So, what do you think of my friends." I answered, "They all seem pretty awesome." Then Tori's eyes get really wide and she sits up in bed. "So then why did you look to the right?" I was, like, "What do you mean?"

Tori then proceeded to explain to me how if a person looks to the right when they're saying something, it means they're lying. I thought it was funny, but she seemed to be taking herself pretty seriously. I decided I didn't want to have a serious conversation that late at night so I said, "Really? I didn't realize it was that easy to tell that someone is lying. By the way, I think you're ugly." Then I looked to the right. "Plus... you're a horrible kisser." I looked as far as I could to the right and then turned my head as though my eyes were forcing my head to the right. Tori started laughing... beautifully. "Tori, I think you should know that I have no interest whatsoever in making out with you all night long so that tomorrow I have those teeny tiny make-out zits that are so small I could just scratch them off with my fingernail." As I said that, I physically turned my head and body all the way around in a complete 360. It ended up being a pretty great night, but I can't help but think that the built in expiration date is still too far away.

-Calvin

79 comments:

Blazzer said...

Calvin,

I sometimes imagine that this blog is written by a married couple. I usually imagine you as the wife. I find that I relate far more to Jake and that he usually presents a more accurate male perspective. At lease compared to my male perspective. Usually your posts make me think you are a girl... that's why the girls love you. You're like the gay guy friend everyone loves to have around. Don't get me wrong, you're very funny and a great writer. Just had to get that off my chest.

I'm rambling. Today's post was very good. Different. I have been in this situation and I am not thinking "Who's the chick writing for Calvin." Brilliant post. I'm with you 100% brother, sorry I ever doubted you.

I'll probably be more sorry I told you I doubted you. I am now convinced you're masculine.

-Blazzer

Brenn said...

Um. wasn't all that weirded out the first time she asked you to play with her hair, but now I for sure am. She sounds like a little kid asking her mom to tuck her in.... You are not her mom! I'm thinking you might need to speed up the expiration date... Leave out on the counter or something, maybe she'll go bad faster?

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

I think that's a fairly accurate observation, Blazzer. Jake and I will both tell you that I'm the more sensitive of the two of us. This is evident when I cry during movies like Field of Dreams or The Cure... or, more recently, when someone forwarded me an email of soldiers returning from Iraq surprising their children at school. I was crying like a freakin' baby. Plus I'm not really into sports... so those two things paint a rather feminine picture.

-c

Amy said...

Oops screwed that last comment up. The thing with Tori... So cheesy, but in a kinda funny way. She loved it, and that's all that matters. Ha. I imagine Tori as a girl with pigtails who giggles a lot. I don't know why. I'm weird I guess. Does she wear her hair in pigtails?

Allison said...

Hm.. Tori totally knows that you don't like her friends. She probably is even guilty- and SHOULD be. Just HOW old is she again, Calvin? Because she's going into college... she isn't a high schooler, right?

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Your telling of missionary hair cuts is spot on. I sort of had a similar experience, except it was with trainee. There was a small family of recent converts, courtesy of the previous elders, and the mom cuts hair professionally. I guess she was attractive? I dunno, she was married and ogling married women was the last thing on my mind.

Anyways, we're with a couple other elders, and he gets his hair cut and looks a little uncomfortable, but we don't know why.

It isn't until we left that the said the reason for what appeared to be the discomfort; he was turned on by her just cutting his hair. We all laughed.

Oh, and Calvin, if you want to score more make-outs, go to SUU. A friend of mine made out with 30 different girls over the course of the first year being home. Apparently, it's a gold mine?

Seneca said...

From what I have read, I think Tori is T-R-O-U-B-L-E. She seems like one of those girls who wants everyone to think she is an angelic Mormon girl but gets guys in trouble. Often. I have always heard that a sign of lying was looking to the left....hmmm.

kelleidoscope said...

Gotten in trouble for that in the past eh?

I still don't like her since the cave thing. Go find another hot girl to make out with Calvin!

Lyss said...

Just end it with tori.

Heather said...

I'm glad to hear of this "built-in expiration date," but I really think you should dump this chick before then. Just sayin'.

Alexandria said...

I agree with Kelleidoscope. I am over Tori since the whole cave debacle! She just seems odd...

Calvin, you totally need to go find a new girl/girls to make out with.

That girl is such a game player. She wanted you to climb up in her bed in the first place or else she never would have taken the time to mention her previous troubles. Shady for sure...

Nat said...

she seems young. end.of.story.


Seriously i think i can remember having a conversation like this when i was....oh....like 16. yeah sorry dude.

Nat said...

she seems young. end.of.story.


Seriously i think i can remember having a conversation like this when i was....oh....like 16. yeah sorry dude.

~kiMbeRLy~ said...

Agreed. Sounds like Tori is looking for trouble!I'm sure you can do better Calvin.

Anonymous said...

You can't be much older than 16 if you're still.writing.like.this.

Emily Sue said...

ewww hate baby make-out zits!

Emily Sue said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Autumn said...

Calvin,
I loved how you explained your mission. Although it makes me wonder if my missionary is out getting haircuts just to have some hot girls boobs in his face and it to be legal. AND I'm glad that you admit that missionaries are socially retarded when they come home. Now I know what to expect haha. Now, as for Tori. SHE'S super weird. The expiration date should be sped up by the oh so amazing Calvin. You know you can do anything you put your mind to, so put your mind to kicking her to the curb would ya? By the way, was it you or Jake commenting on my facebook? It would be nice if you at least told me that much. GREAT POST.

Shelby Lou said...

I read the first two or three comments then died of sleep depravation... but before i hit the sack.. i just had to say...

I agree with Amy. I picture tori with pig tails and a cheerleading uniform on 24/7 with little k-swiss. So in other words, I think she might be really freaking annoying. hahaha

ok. so basically, i love you. no joke. that last part, I went... aww..... because i thought of the convo we had via twitter about the make out zits.

ps. meet me in front of the nicklecade (in orem/provo) on new years. i'll be wearing whatever color you prefer. ;) hahahaha i kill myself!

caitlin said...

Hot or not, Tori is a creep. "I'd ask you to lay by me, but I've gotten in trouble in the past so I can't trust myself anymore..."it begs the question, just how many guys have "put her to sleep?" She's weird, find somebody new.

20 Something said...

I cried with the soldier video to.

Bonnie said...

I'm with Blazzer on this one...I'd think we'd be good friends C. As far as Tori-just drop her already. I wonder is she's done with you too... I'm willing to bet she would have said you're lying if you look to the left, if you'd looked left. I think she probably realizes that her friends suck, but isn't willing to give them up, and is looking for a way out. She's only 18 and terribly immature.

Katie said...

Um. Tori is weird. Even if she is hot and you like to make out with her, she sounds like a flake. I agree with most all of these comments, speed up that expiration date. Pretty sure she is planning to mess up with you, since she mentioned it a couple times. It's time to move on, Calvin. Any girl that asks you to come drive to her house, and play with her hair til she falls asleep is on something.

JohnnyMartin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

David Bruce, Brian Early, Jared Kinnard, Joseph Rowley, Michael Rushworth.

Someone who knows.

Ass hats.

Cait said...

Girl's a freak show.

Anonymous said...

So how do we know you'll no longer be "anonymous"?

I'll tell you how.

We know you got back in February from Ireland. We know you served from 2007 to 2009.

We also have the Ireland Dublin Mission phone number which you can call (be sure to add the US to UK code) at: 01 8306899

Then all you have to do is ask for who went home from the mission in February of 2009, and it's all narrowed down pretty quickly.

You boys just got served!

Intelligence is the power of God. And he just gave you a mighty boosh, ya ass hats.

In a matter of days, you're all going to be revealed on facebook, blogs, and more. The count down has begun.

Enjoy roasting people by name in the future.

Anonymous said...

One more time for everyone.

David Bruce, Jared Kinnard, Joseph Rowley, Michael Rushworth, and Brian Early.

Again, all you got to do is narrow it down to who came home from the Ireland mission in February of 09, and the jig is up.

Nate said...

You should put her to sleep...like an old sick dog at the vet.

Heather said...

Dude. Drop her. She's a kid and I have two, and trust me you don't want to date that. Lots of ass wiping and PB&J making. It gets tiring if you aren't prepared for that in life.

AND why are almost all the douchey comments from anonymous peeps? Just saying.

Bill said...

Well, Calvin was the one who claims he came home from the mission in February. Jake said that he came home in May. They both admit to changing details, so who knows if any of that is accurate or not.

But, for the sake of argument, it has been implied that they go to the U (again who knows whether that is a detail that has changed). Of the five names listed, only one shows up in the student directory at the U - Joseph Rowley. Could he be Calvin? Honestly, I doubt it. He's listed as a physics student, and while Calvin has demonstrated the same social awkwardness as many physics students I have met, he doesn't talk about enough geek stuff to come across as a legit hard sciences student.

I suppose that if I really cared, I could call the mission office to see what elders went home in May and cross-reference addresses to see if any of them live at the same address as Joseph Rowley (assuming the address he is listed as living at is not his parent's place or something). But honestly, whether they are anonymous or not, I don't know them and they are freaking hilarious!

Bill said...

Of course, that all assumes that they really did go on their missions to Dublin, Ireland, which could be another detail that was changed (although that one I believe is true).

TechieGirl said...

I love how certain individuals think that just because they reveal who Calvin and Jake are in real life, that people will stop reading and that their popularity will go down. People like reading this regardless of the anonymity of these two men. I actually wouldn't be surprised if their popularity went up if their identities were revealed. The point being, people like reading this. We get the same stories the guys share among themselves. Anyone that's trying to convince themselves that most people don't have the "deeply disturbing" opinions and thoughts that these guys express on here are kidding themselves. Most people just don't have the guts to be honest about it.

Tara said...

Aw! Missionary hair cuts! Bring back many memories for me, I used to work in a salon where we cut the Elders' hair for free. It was always so awkward! I felt guilty for touching them, even though that was my job. And I blushed a lot.

Glad to hear you are getting over Tori!

Jimmy Jones said...

Built in expiration! I take back my "drop her" comment! Dude capitalize! You loose absolutely nothing by being her friend and taking the benefits that seem to go with it. She leaves in January and you will probably never hear from her again. She sounds like a girl that needs a friend that won't take advantage of her when she puts herself in compromising situations (guys putting her to sleep laying in her bed etc.). She is insecure and probably knows her guy friends only hang with her because she has a nice body otherwise why would she have asked whether you like her friends or not and cared whether you lied? Be her friend Calvin, you loose absolutely nothing.

KimJo said...

I saw these dudes sitting next to each other on TRAX where one was on the phone giving detailed dating advice to another dude (it seemed) and the other was sitting quietly, exuding a "I'm the sensitive one" aura to, no doubt, attract girls. It reminded me of you guys.

Ryan Hadlock said...

Calvin, I salute you for the "built in expiration date" - nice, I'm not quite so worried about you anymore. The fact that you're a guy and don't like sports is another issue altogether, but...I guess we'll let that go for now. You should come play flag football with us on Saturdays, there are plenty of girls that play so you won't look quite so bad.

As for the anonymous deficient that insists on "outing" the MBP guys, WHY? What is SO bad in your own life that you have taken the time to "research" who came home from the Ireland mission in February? REALLY? Is Mystery Science Theatre 5000 off the air? Is Adult Swim in reruns? Nothing new on the Linux Geeks are us boards to keep your interest? World of Warcraft boring you lately? What is it? GET A F**KING LIFE! If you don't like the blog, DON'T READ IT. Holy crap.

MBP Dudes, keep on keepin' on, the blog is hilarious and the comments (most of them) are even better.

Kelly said...

Nice post. ummm... just one thing. Who says Ass Hats? That's a new one on me.

Mauri said...

Tori. bugs. Seriously she is WEIRD. She seriously texted you to come "put her to sleep?" What is she...5?

"I'd ask you to lay by me, but I've gotten in trouble in the past so I can't trust myself anymore."

But yet she still continues to to invite guys over late at night to "put her to sleep" I'm sure you're not the only guy she's done this "come put me to sleep" thing to. She's a retard.

AND

"Just so you know... if anything bad happens at all, we won't be able to date anymore."

I'm sure that's just another line she uses on lots guys. maybe thats her thing-get some lovin & then use that excuse as to why she can't "date you" anymore & has to move on...She's immature or just saying these things to make it seem like she's easy to get guys...like that's what they want.

I find it odd that having a boy come into her room & lay with her late at night doesn't seem to phase her OR her parents...I'm 24 & pretty sure I would never try to pull that let alone when i was 18. DUMB. Move on.

Melody said...

Calvin - I think you should just be her friend. I think she needs a true friend...not someone who wants to just make out with her. (which I guess is what you do) But seriously..

shirley elizabeth said...

Retarded.

"I've gotten into trouble before, but I'm still going to invite boys over to lay with my half-naked self. Gee I hope I don't get in trouble again, but if I do it'll be fine enough. I'll just go tell my bishop, shed a few tears, and he'll think all the better of me afterward."

shirley elizabeth said...

Mauri, I love you.

TechieGirl said...

Ryan your comments never cease to simply make my day. =) You have a way with pointing out the obvious with wit and cynicism that no one else on here matches.

Jessica said...

Awwwwwww Abbie is so immature! So cute!

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Can I just say that I am really digging on the term "asshats"

It's pretty funny.

-j

CarrieBradshaw* said...

Tori is young and immature. She's one of those girls I would probably beg my friends not to bring along to events.

Alexis! said...

http://www.cosa18.com/2009/11/my-third-award-blog-lovin-award.html

Gave you guys an award! I love your blog, it's my guilty pleasure.

Maggles said...

I thought liars looked left, so I always look right when lying to throw people off.

Note to self...immediately stop looking to the right when lying.

Note to Calvin...immediately stop dating Tori. She's a strange little bird.

Scott said...

End the relationship. Because there is that expiration date in place and she is trouble (and not the good kind).

If she has gotten into trouble in the past and is not really trying to prevent trouble in the future, she is a ticking sex-bomb.

End it before you do something stupid.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Scott, she is a ticking sex-bomb.

I told you she was a slutty!

Anonymous said...

The point is this... you hurt a friend of mine, and I will hurt you ten fold.

The time for this blog to come tumbling down is at an end.

And the fact that all of you eat it up and defend them for what is truly a disgusting thing is a fault on your characters as well.

If these boys have the courage to say something bad about someone else, then they need to reveal who they are themselves.

Half these stories are made up anyway.

That Chick said...

"come put me to sleep, calvin...."

weirrrrrrrrrrrrd.

drop it like its hot. or just go 'get some.' eh. whichever.

Autumn said...

Quick question. Do you anonymous people have nothing better to do then research all of the information that they gave us on them, even though it may not be true. Get a freaking life!

Gus, BYU Dude said...

Anonymous...

Apparently this blog is fueled by anonymity? That's cool.

And it's not like most people's names are changed as well. So if something is said, it's by a completely different name.

And yes, let's judge every action made by them. Clearly that is what the Lord has commanded, as they clearly have no compunctions, in your mind, about heavy kissing.

Anon, you truly are a figure steeped in wisdom. Please reveal what your blog is so I can be enlightened by someone who truly lives the gospel.

TechieGirl said...

Nice one Gus.

Anon 1:08 PM
I like that you bash their anonymity, when you yourself won't post your name.

Nicole said...

TechieGirl: Good point!

As to them figuring it out, its sorta funny, because obviously he/she doesn't like the MBP, but seems like they're kind of obsessive since they care so much that they're trying to figure out who they are.

MBP...you should feel special. You officially have a stalker.

Joie said...

What does it matter if someone links a name to their comment. Just because it says "TechieGirl" or whomever above a comment makes it more valid??? I don't think so.

Bill said...

Not to belabor the point, but it works both ways. Why bash "Anonymous" when "Calvin" and "Jake" aren't their real names? I like the anonymous comments - they're fun.

Melissa said...

Hahhahaha... I love this blog! I just think the comments are hilarious. The blog is hilarious. And seriously... we would be friends in real life if it werent for that whole pesky anonymous business. But even if you get outted... I'll still be reading MBP. In fact I might like it more if you were outted. And the fact that people are hunting you down for "hurting dear Abbie"... really? She was hurt by this? Interesting. A little on the pathetic side but to each their own.

Kate said...

It kind of sounds like Tori has some daddy issues...
Just saying.

Anonymous said...

Daddy issues? As in she wants Calvin to be her baby's daddy?

Kick her to the curb, Calvin.

I'm just sayin.

Jade said...

Calvin, just be careful, if she's gotten in trouble and is placing herself in a situation of where she could get in trouble again, it's just a matter of time before she get's you into trouble. Just be careful it's not worth any of the trouble for the little bit of fun, trust me.

I loved the mission story though, I had always wondered how guys manage to live 2 years without physical contact from girls, now I know, haha...

Hip 'n Critical Me said...

This girl sounds like a complete and utter ditz, and a bit of a slut. And you boys, getting action off hairdressers. Inappropriate!

P.S. Come play with my hair tonight, Calvin?

Declarations of a Drama Diva said...

Impressive!

I have to say just started reading your blog... it's starting to get it's name out there. I have to give you props... You better start marketing!

Michelle said...

I think that it is hilarious that she assumed you were lying because you looked to the right. I think she must have read an article in a magazine titled something like "Ten Ways To Tell That Your Man Is Lying". As a girl I will admit that I have read stuff like that. Haha. But I am impressed at how you used it to your advantage. Go Calvin!

TechieGirl said...

Joie and Bill, I don't have any issue with the anonymous comments. I like them too. I just found it interesting that this particular one decided to make a point about the guys being anonymous when they themselves are anonymous. I didn't see the logic behind pointing that out.

Anonymous said...

Ok seriously the haters have to go... You guys don't have to read no one is forcing you! I also think it doesn't matter anonymous or not they would still get readers. Plus I think they might even get more dates and readers if they weren't anonymous. Just sayin...

shirley elizabeth said...

Because when it comes down to it, it's dates that matter in life. Of course.

anna said...

i don't know...if you end it with tori, your posts might become a little less interesting. like how jake dumped andrea and all of a sudden he's got less drama. tori sounds a little crazy. and slutty? and that makes her FUN...kind of like that harper girl.

20 Something said...

Did someone really go to that much effort to try to expose these guys? If they hurt your friend so much why give them the time of day ? Your ridiculous

Devin & Ruthann said...

If I were Tori, I would understand if the RM I was dating didn't really like my immature friends.

If you don't really want to date her anymore, quit making out with her. A girl dating an RM right out of high school probably thinks you guys are getting really serious, but to you, it's all about the making out. Unless she knows about the "expiration date" like you.

jenna said...

I can't see the results of the polls or even vote on the new one. Is anyone else having the same problem?

Ryan Hadlock said...

Shirley Elizabeth, that's what this blog is about - Dating. I'm sure they have other things going on in their lives, but that wouldn't make for good blogging other than for their moms. :-D

kelzone said...

here's how i would describe tori...
she's hot (you say so) but has the emotional maturity of a 5-year-old
she's a weirdy

Physcokity said...

Tori sounds like something of a bad naughty...like she's pretending to be good, but still tempting fate. I'm not judging, but people do dumb things all the time. I know because I have seen this happen to others as well as myself, but I digress. The only thing that I would say in response to this is just don't get too reliant(sp?) on that expiration date to save you.

...end of sermon ;)

RatalieNose said...

Do you not know what the words
"honoring the priesthood" means.
Someone needs to go back to deacons courm.

Bilbo Baggins said...

Ratalie: You're honestly going to say to Jake and Calvin that they aren't honoring their priesthood, hoping that will make a difference, change something somehow?

They know what they are doing, and that's their piece of pie. As far as most are concerned here, this is just a literary column that shows the life of two average joe Mormons.

Who are the make-out kings, apparently.

Val Hunter said...

Dear Calvin and Jake,
I love to read your posts, and I especially find entertainment in reading the anonymous hater commments. Some one up there mentioned marketing and making money from the blog, I hope you aren't considering it, especially when it's a place to talk about The Church. If you do make money from it, atleast stop talking about the church, or you could even donate the money to a better cause. I would just hate to see you nice guys profiting at the churches expense ya know?

With love,
Val

Autumn said...

RatalieNose:

If you're going to bash on Calvin, make sure you spell correctly. It's quorum. :]