Look to the Right

When I arrived in my first area in Ireland, I was introduced to my companion and the two other missionaries that we'd be living with. It was a pretty surreal experience, being 19 years old in Ireland... living with three other missionaries who were close to my same age. And we were expected to follow a huge list of mission rules with very little supervision. I mean... our mission president interviewed us once a month to make sure everything was ok, but for the most part we were trusted to make good choices and obey the rules we'd promised to obey.

I remember my very first P-day. The other three elders needed a haircut, but I had just received one a week before as I was leaving the MTC and getting ready to fly to Ireland. All four of us hopped on a bus and ended up riding for about 25 minutes until we got to the hair salon the other Elders had chosen. I thought it was odd because we'd driven past several barbershops on the way to this hair salon. As I walked into the hair salon, I was shocked to see some of the most beautiful hair stylists I'd ever seen. They all smiled and greeted us with "Hey Elders!" I sat idly by as the other three had their haircuts. I listened to them talking and subtly flirting with each other. I thought it seemed odd, but I was a Greenie so everything seemed odd at that point.

I found out later that the salon was kind of an area landmark, of sorts. That particular hair salon had been where the Elders in that area had their haircuts for months... maybe even years... decades possibly. None of the stylists were Mormon, but they were all so freaking hot. It made perfect sense. I didn't realize it at the time (since I was new and not quite as desperate for female affection), but getting a haircut by an attractive woman is pretty much the closest thing to a girlfriend slash relationship that an Elder can have during his two year mission. It's one of those "acceptable" things that so many missionaries take advantage of. A hot girl is standing so close to you that you can smell the shampoo she used that morning. She's six inches away from your ear... talking to you about... something. Anything. Then she runs her fingers through your hair and, if you're lucky, she'll slowly brush the hair off the back of your neck with her fingers. To a 19-21 year old male missionary... that's pretty much all we get for two years. It's rough.

So it's no surprise that the first thing most missionaries want to do when they get home is to spend time alone with as many girls as they possibly can... in a virtuous and completely chaste way of course. They're typically socially retarded for at least six months after their return. Luckily, most Mormon girls know this and try extra hard to be patient and understanding.

I've only kissed six girls since I got home from my mission this last February... including Tori. Honestly, I think it should be more than that. I think at least one a month is decent... but two or three a month would be totally awesome. I'm getting kind of sick of Tori, though, and I think it might be time to move on.

She texted me pretty late last night and asked if I'd come over and "put [her] to sleep". I guess that means "play with my hair while you sit in an uncomfortable position by my bed and I fall asleep to your gentle yet amazingly masculine touch". When I got there, Tori and I went into her room (don't ask about whether her parents approve, cause she doesn't seem to be bothered, so neither do I) and I watched her get ready for bed again. As she laid in bed Tori said, "I'd ask you to lay by me, but I've gotten in trouble in the past so I can't trust myself anymore." I replied, "I understand. I'll just kneel here and we can cuddle." So there I am, with the bottom half of my body hanging off the side of her bed, while the top half of my body is pretty much as close to her as it can get. Tori says, "That looks so uncomfortable, Calvin. Just come up here." I climb onto her bed and lay next to her. Then Tori says, "Just so you know... if anything bad happens at all, we won't be able to date anymore." To be honest, I considered making sure something DID happen just so I didn't have to date her anymore... but at the end of the day, she's really hot and I love making out with her. Plus, our relationship has a built in expiration date. She'll be leaving for college in a few months and that'll be it.

Tori's lamp was still on, but she looked at me just as she was drifting off and said, "So, what do you think of my friends." I answered, "They all seem pretty awesome." Then Tori's eyes get really wide and she sits up in bed. "So then why did you look to the right?" I was, like, "What do you mean?"

Tori then proceeded to explain to me how if a person looks to the right when they're saying something, it means they're lying. I thought it was funny, but she seemed to be taking herself pretty seriously. I decided I didn't want to have a serious conversation that late at night so I said, "Really? I didn't realize it was that easy to tell that someone is lying. By the way, I think you're ugly." Then I looked to the right. "Plus... you're a horrible kisser." I looked as far as I could to the right and then turned my head as though my eyes were forcing my head to the right. Tori started laughing... beautifully. "Tori, I think you should know that I have no interest whatsoever in making out with you all night long so that tomorrow I have those teeny tiny make-out zits that are so small I could just scratch them off with my fingernail." As I said that, I physically turned my head and body all the way around in a complete 360. It ended up being a pretty great night, but I can't help but think that the built in expiration date is still too far away.

-Calvin