Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Magic Penny

It may surprise some of you that I have not made out with a girl since Daisy. That's right, blazing hot Daisy and I made out with a pirated copy of James Cameron's blue-lanky-and-disturbingly-attractive-alien-people movie. I wanted Claire back then but I thought I could work something with Daisy but soon discovered she had just used me.

As I reflect back on the last year since I returned home from my mission. I think about Andrea, Claire, and Sanders. How involved I got and how much I pined over them and worried about where "we" were going. Lots of deep stuff to think about at 23. Too deep.

Then I think about Daisy. We only spent one night kissing. Now, when we see each other, its not weird. There are no uncomfortable moments... except for when I say stuff in group settings like, "You know Daisy tastes like strawberries? Go figure." We are friends and that's that.

I think that I need more Daisy's and less Clandrea's in my life right now.

Sure, when I showed up at Daisy's after our night of passion to further woo her, only to find she was N.O.T.I 6 with some dude on her sofa... I was embarrassed. But it went away really fast, because I wasn't emotionally invested. As opposed to say Claire telling me I would never make a good husband because one time when I was 15 I killed a few toads with a nail gun or whatever other high and mighty hang-up she could think of. That really hurt, because I really liked Claire.

So I have decided at least this month to no longer attach kissing to commitment. Daisy didn't. She made off like a bandit.

While explaining this new theory to the guys there was a mixture of support and mockery. Aaron was quick to point out that when the girl is the user that it works but when the guy is the user this rarely works. Maybe he's right, women do tend to get more emotionally attached to kisses, but how am I supposed to know if that's true? I haven't fully experienced it yet.

This weekend a big group of us went up to Echo Lake. I ended my drought with not one, but two horizontal make outs. High Fives all around, right?

First was this girl Janice. We met two weeks ago at one of our Thursday parties. We've been flirting and texting pretty regular. We were out on the canoe and I said, "Ever made-out in a canoe?" This technique was surprisingly effective. We ended up making out in the canoe and then finding a sort of sandy slightly rocky beach portion away from the main group to roll around on. I recommend canoe kisses and making out in swimsuits.

Janice stuck pretty close to me after that, which was a little troubling because I had actually invited another girl who didn't really know anyone else besides me. Her name is Christine. I had been set up with her in the beginning of the summer, and it never really went anywhere. So I was a little surprised when I asked if she wanted to come to the lake and she said yes.

Later in the day back at the campsite I was sitting between Janice and Christine scratching both of their backs while our group sat around joking and eating watermelon. Christine asked me if I wanted to go for a walk down to the lake. I said, "Sure." Janice piped in, "That sounds nice, can I come?" Which Christine didn't seem to keen about.

This is one of those situations where big groups come in handy. There were 23 of us at Echo that weekend. Big groups make it so easy to distract and escape. I signaled to Calvin who looked like he needed a break from Annie who wouldn't leave his side. He came over and started a conversation with us. Knowing my plight he masterfully brought up a topic that he knew would interest Janice. Proposition 8. Which Janice is staunchly opposed too. They got into a healthy discussion and in no time Christine and I were able to sneak away.

Mid-way through our walk we stopped by this big tree and Christine asked me if I liked Janice. I said, "We made out once (I accidentally left out that it was 5 hours earlier) but there was nothing there." A True statement. Christine said, "I think Janice is really pretty." I replied, "I think you're really pretty." Also a true statement.

Christine blushed and asked. "Why was there nothing there?" I said, "We didn't kiss well together." She looked at me in a "greenlight" sort of way and asked, "What do you mean?" I really wanted to say, "Um... let me show you." I wanted to say that just because it's so cheesy it would be hilarious to tell Calvin about later, but instead I just went for it.

We made out up against that old tree for way too long, because my knuckles are all scraped up and swollen from holding the back of her head with the tree behind it.

That night I slept in the big tent with both Christine and Janice and six other people. Which made it so I didn't have to choose who to sleep next to. The next morning there was no weirdness or anything either. It was awesome!

I don't know if Janice and Christine know that I kissed both of them this weekend. I gotta think they do know. When a guy and a girl disappear at a lake... what else is going on? Either way, there has thus far been no drama as a result and I was able to end my dry streak.

So far my theory stands. Kissing is fun. Why not kiss? It's just a kiss. It's just like a magic penny, hold it tight, and you wont have any... but spend it, lend it and you'll have so many they'll roll around on the floor, or the beach, or the canoe.


Friday, August 13, 2010

Echo Ratio

Someone pointed out a while ago that it seems like I always seem to date girls who are still living at home. For some reason it took me until now to realize that it's true. Even girls who aren't living at home force me to pick them up at their parents house for dates. I don't think that's cool. Not at all. So I made a goal. I figure that one of the benefits of not living at home anymore (ie living in my own house) is that I shouldn't have to pick up girls and meet their parents on first dates. Right? I mean... in the movies when people are dating, they don't meet parents until they're, like, engaged. So I've decided that's what I'm gonna strive for. I'm only gonna meet one more set of parents and they're gonna be my future in-laws. That is my Friday the 13th resolution.

I've been spending some time with Annie lately. We haven't really been on any official dates, but she's been following me around quite a bit. Whenever she comes over to our house, it's like she looks for me. Once she finds me, she follows me around the house. I thought it was awesome until I made out with her last Monday. Now it's just irritating. I'm not trying to be rude or anything. She's extremely attractive, but she's only 18 and it shows. Everyone in our house tries to avoid her, as well. I'm the first one to enjoy her horizontally and the last to realize how irritating she is.

She came over again on Wednesday night. We decided to barbeque in our front yard so we were all hanging out, sitting on blankets and talking while Tim had pork chops and corn on the cob cooking on the Q. I guess that when a person makes out with an 18 year old, the 18 year old assumes you're a couple. I admit, even if I'd have known that a week ago, I have no doubt that I'd still have pursued Annie anyway. I'm very short-sighted when it comes to stuff like that.

The most irritating part, though, is that she never freakin' shuts up. And it seems like everything she says is an attempt to make me jealous. She never asks me questions or talks about her family or anything. It's always stuff like, "So, Jeffery called me again today and I was, like, 'Hello! We broke up two months ago! Leave me alone!' It's crazy. He just can't let me go." Then she looks at me like she's waiting for me to ask for his address so I can beat him up or something. The truth is, I am a pretty jealous person. And if I was actually interested in Annie, I'd probably be jealous. But I'm not. At one point Annie started telling a story about two guys at her work fighting over her or something. Luckily Jake was there at the beginning of the story, so I made up an excuse and left them talking on the front porch without me. The sad part is I have actually asked all of my roommates to steal her away from me, but nobody wants to. Sigh.

We're planning on going up to Echo Lake tomorrow (Friday) night and Saturday night. There's a girl in our ward who grew up near Echo Lake and she invited us to go to her home ward on Sunday morning. So that's the plan.

Here's the cruddy part. There are tons of girls coming up there with us. All seven of the roommates are going and we have nine girls coming. A couple of them are ugly so it ends up being a perfect ratio... aside from the two trolls, but we figure they can entertain each other. The problem is that Annie is coming. She's gonna think she's my date or something. Seriously. I'm extremely unexcited to go up to Echo Lake with seven hot girls who are probably looking for an average looking funny cuddle buddy... except I'll have a date. I don't want a date.

My only option here is to try to convince Aaron or Lance to bust a serious move on Annie tomorrow afternoon or something. I doubt it'll work, but I don't know what else to do.

The other cruddy thing is that one of the ugly girls told us today that she's inviting her co-worker. A dude. So not only is this girl ugly... she also thinks she's gonna be on The Amazing Race next season with her ugly friend... and on top of all that, she invited her stupid guy co-worker to Echo Lake screwing up our entire guy/hot girl ratio.


Monday, August 9, 2010

Sexual transgressions worth mentioning.

My roommate Gabe has been up to no good. Having served my mission with him I knew he was a hopeless romantic. I guessed that the ladies would like him. I never fully grasped how aggressive he was in relationships until I lived with him. I noted yesterday that Gabe did not partake of the sacrament. Late last night after watching some Adult Swim I asked Gabe how things were going with his latest squeeze.

Gabe's girls name is Taren. She's a red head and seems pretty sexually charged. Honestly, I haven't had too many conversations with her because Gabe keeps her to himself. Gabe told me, "Things have gotten a little hot and heavy lately." I said, "How hot and heavy?" Gabe smiled nervously and said, "Well, I won't be taking the sacrament for a while. Let's put it that way." I looked at him. Did he really think he could leave it there? Did he forget when we were on our mission and we had 'past transgression nights' where we would describe in great detail all the bad things we had done?

I said, "Dude, this is me you're talking to. Why don't you put it in a way that I'm going to know exactly what happened?" He looked at me sullenly and said, "It's bad." I replied, "How bad?" Gabe replied, "Like... like a ten." I almost yelled, "A ten???" He looked at the ground. I continued, "Dude, are you telling me Taren's got your V-card?" Gabe looked shocked, "No, NO! Not that bad. Geez." I laughed and said, "Isn't 10 the highest? How high up does this scale go?" Gabe said, "Um yeah I didn't know there was a real scale, but I guess if there was and what I did was a ten then it would go up to, like, 14." I laughed and said, "I'm obviously not very experienced because I thought there were only three bad things you could even do, and you're saying there are 14." Gabe and I stopped talking about a scale and he went on to tell me what actually happened between he and Taren.

From time to time, even with us Mormon bachelors there are sins committed that we generally don't talk about on the blog because we want to keep things appropriate. We don't want to write things in bad taste or that might make Heavenly Father shake his heavenly head. At the same time these are real things that happen to real people. To avoid discussing them altogether seems like we're pretending they don't happen. That doesn't help anyone, not that that is this blogs sole purpose or anything, but helping has become an "originally unintended" side effect.

Part of why I write is to shed light on the reality of being a twenty something male who also happens to be Mormon. Though Mormons are taught not to break the Law of Chastity and try their very best not to break the Law of Chastity that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It does happen, and dealing with it and overcoming issues of chastity are part of the process of learning and growing.

So after relaying my talk with Gabe to Calvin, to try to keep in line with being tasteful and still being true to the truth, we have devised another scale to talk about chastity transgressions. We will use this going forward on the blog to discuss what, if any, sexual transgressions are worth mentioning.

How bad is bad? Here is what the "For The Strength Of Youth Pamphlet" says:

Before marriage, do not do anything to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage. Do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not allow anyone to do that with you. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body. In cultures where dating or courting is acceptable, always treat your date with respect, never as an object to be used for your lustful desires. Stay in areas of safety where you can easily control your physical feelings. Do not participate in talk or activities that arouse sexual feelings.

It has been a couple months since I have read through this...

Originally I had planned on citing that this pamphlet was really only targeting "The Youth" which means 12-18 year olds. Surely, I thought, we 23 year old returned missionaries live by a higher law where "[lying] on top of another person" is a necessary evil required in finding a spouse. The "For The Strength of Young - Single Adults" must surely have a different set of rules. Well I think it's safe to say the above copied and pasted paragraph is pretty clear. Basically if you whisper to a member of the opposite sex too close to their ear you are crossing the line.

It's true if Gabe and Taren were following the FTSOYP guidelines they definitely wouldn't be passing along the Sacrament tray.

The sad reality is, however, that 20-somethings are constantly arousing the powerful emotions that must only be expressed in marriage. We should all strive to be more chaste.

Now that I have spent a couple of paragraphs covering what we all know we should be doing, I'm going to now talk about the scale that Calvin and I came up with to illustrate what transgressions go on among our peers, and (heaven forbid) someday Calvin (because I, of course, would never break the Law of Chastity) so that we can write about it on our blog without getting into the juicy details.

We chose, again, to do a 1-10 scale because, well, we can't always be creative. With the FTSOYP as our guide to what is "bad" we came up with the following:

We call it the N.O.T.I. scale... or the Nasty or Otherwise Transgressional Infractions (pronounced "Naughty") Example of use:

CALVIN: So... did you score?
JAKE: Yes.
CALVIN: N.O.T.I. 4 huh? That's pretty good for a 2nd date.

I am trying to be careful about the words I use so as to not offend while still illustrating what I hope this list helps me to never have to illustrate with more than one of these numbers.
  1. Unpassionate kissing
  2. Passionate Kissing
  3. Vertical Make-out
  4. Horizontal Make-out
  5. Necking
  6. Light Petting
  7. Dry Humping
  8. Heavy Petting
  9. Oral Sex
  10. Intercourse
If, for some reason, you're unclear as to what each of these things are, feel free to click here for a more detailed and slightly inappropriate list of definitions.

Again, I am not condoning any of these activities. In fact I would suggest that everything above a 5 needs to stop right now and probably wouldn't hurt to discuss with your bishop. I further submit that everything above a 2 leads to things beyond a 5 so be very careful and avoid them at all costs! I know I do.

Oh, and I basically wrote this whole thing up to tell you that Gabe and Taren were N.O.T.I. 8... tsk tsk. I hope the repentance process isn't too hard on them.


Friday, August 6, 2010

Proposition 8

Surprise, surprise. Calvin has something controversial to say. That's right. I'm about ready to talk about something that you have a strong opinion about. I'm not sure what your opinion is, but I'm sure it's a strong one.

First let me start out by saying two things. First, I love everyone (except for my stupid co-worker initials B.S. coinidentally. He's an idiot and I hope he gets hurt really bad and ends up with a nasty scar). Even if we disagree, I still love you. Second, I'm perfectly able and willing to recognize that all of my feelings toward you... be it 'shock', 'amazement', 'frustration', 'anger', etc... are mostly likely felt by you... toward me. I know. I know. As bad I want you to agree with everything I say, I understand that you want me to agree with everything you say. I just want you to know that I understand that concept before I delve into the meat of this post.

Jake doesn't like it when we talk politics on this blog, Twitter, or Facebook. Mostly because he's afraid that a lot of people might assume that he and I are on the same page... but that is seldom the case with stuff like this. Jake has an opinion about gay marriage, but it isn't as strong as mine and he isn't even close to as passionate about it as I am (tee hee... I said "gay marriage" and "passionate" in the same sentence).

So a couple of days ago I found out that Proposition 8 was overturned in California. I wasn't surprised to see a lot of my non-Mormon friends celebrating this fact. It was truly a landmark occasion. I honestly believe that. However... just because it's a "landmark" occasion doesn't always make it a good occasion. I was watching everyone celebrating and expressing their joy at the judges ruling. Good for you, guys. Good for you.

I was shocked, however, at how many of my Mormon friends and acquaintances were also expressing their enthusiasm over the ruling. I couldn't believe it. 'Surprised' is an understatement. I was utterly shocked. I thought there might be a few, but I was astounded at how many people were happy about Prop 8 being overturned.

Now, I could go on for pages and pages about my opinion, but I don't have the time or the energy so I'm going to try to be as brief as possible as I communicate my feelings over the last few days.

"Finally, the State of California is doing the right thing." Actually, no. The people of California voted twice and both times voted against allowing gays to marry. ONE SINGLE JUDGE overturned the ruling. Not the State of California.

"I'm just happy that people born gay will be able to get married." Born gay? So if a person is born with gay tendencies, that makes it ok? Cause there are people born every day with tendencies toward a myriad of sins, but we're taught that the natural man is an enemy to God. We should always be trying to overcome temptation to sin. It's unfortunate that some gay people are attracted to their own gender, but that doesn't mean it's not a sin to engage in that type of behavior.

"As long as it doesn't affect me, let them do what they want." So what happens if gays are allowed to marry? Won't school teachers be forced to include gay relationships as legally accepted forms of marriage in classrooms? During the sex-ed talk in 5th grade, are they going to start including gay butt sex? I mean, it's legal and socially acceptable now, right? They should probably talk about it so our 11-year-old's are completely clear on that kind of stuff.

"Okay... but other than that, it doesn't affect me." For arguments sake, let's pretend that they legalized gay marriage today. Then tomorrow two gay men approach their Mormon bishop and request to get married. The bishop doesn't agree with gay marriage so he refuses to perform the ceremony. Those two gay men can now sue the church for discrimination. A person who has the power to marry two people has been accused of discriminating against a gay couple. You don't think that affects you?

"Gays being allowed to get married is inevitable. What's the point in trying to stop it?" I actually agree that gay marriage will eventually be legal in the entire country and possibly the entire world. But just because I think it's probably going to happen doesn't mean it's okay for me to sit back and let it happen. It's my responsibility to do everything in my power to stop it.

"I don't know why people are making such a big deal out of this." Maybe it's because some of us are afraid that legalizing gay marriage will open the door to other types of things.

"You're not gonna talk about humans trying to marry animals are you?" No. I'm not. I don't think that hypothetical argument is very feasible. I will, however, mention that polygamy or maybe adult siblings wanting to get married is extremely likely to come up as a result of legalizing gay marriage. In both of those examples we have consenting adults wanting to marry each other. Why would we allow two guys to get married, but not a brother and a sister?

"Because that's just gross. And they'd have deformed kids." What if they could prove they were unable to reproduce and they only wanted to get married because they loved each other dearly and wanted all the rights that come with marriage?

"Now you're just being stupid." I have a feeling that 2o years from now when the world is comparable to Sodom and Gomorrah, we're gonna look back at gay marriage and think, 'That's where it all started'.

"But forcing gay people to live the same morals as we do sounds a lot like Satan's plan. Didn't he try to force everyone to obey the commandments? We can't take away their agency." So... why do we have any laws then? If murdering someone is against the law, then we're taking away their freedom to do what they want, right? Of course not. People still have the agency to do what they want... it's just that we impose certain consequences on those actions. Not allowing gay people to get married isn't taking away anyone's agency.

"Yes it is. It's taking away their right to marry a member of the same sex." Well, I don't have that right, either. A gay man can't marry another man... and neither can I. So really, what gay people are requesting are additional rights. They want a right that I don't have.

"But us Mormons believe that unless it's a temple marriage, it's not a 'real' marriage anyway (as in, not for time and all eternity). So what's the difference between a marriage outside the temple vs a gay marriage?" A man and woman marrying outside the temple still have the option available to them in this life or the next, to accept the Gospel and spend eternity together. Two men will never have that same opportunity. Ever. Two men will never be able to be sealed for time and eternity. Ever. No matter what.

"How can you say that? At one point in Mormon history, God didn't allow blacks to hold the Priesthood. I'm sure back then, some ignorant Mormon said the same thing about blacks never ever ever being allowed to have the Priesthood. And today... they have it." Are you honestly trying to tell me that at some point in the future, God is going to allow two gay men to co-habitate in the Celestial Kingdom and create worlds together? I'm assuming you think they'll just be allowed to spiritually adopt spirit children from the heterosexual couples chillin' with them in the CK.

"I think that gay couples deserve to be happy. If they want to adopt and raise children, I think they should be able to." You think they should be able to raise a child in a homosexual environment as long as it makes them happy? Does the welfare of the child come into play at all in your mind or are you only concerned about what make gay couples happy?

"What do you mean 'welfare of the child'? There are thousands of heterosexual couples who are horrible, abusive, neglectful parents. If gay couples provide loving environments for children, that's all that matters." You can't compare the best possible gay marriage to the worst possible hetero marriage. That's not fair. Let's look at it this way: If you had a child you were putting up for adoption and you had it narrowed down to two couples, one straight and one gay, which would you choose?

"That depends on a whole lot of other things." Let's pretend you could see into the future and you knew that both couples would provide an equally loving home for 50 years. I'm asking you straight out which couple you would choose to care for your child.

"Fine. Fine. I'd choose the straight couple." Did you choose the straight couple because you don't want your kid to get made fun of at school or do you honestly believe that the best environment for raising a well-rounded child is in a home with a father and a mother?

"All I know is that I think the Mormon church leaders were wrong when they didn't let blacks have the Priesthood and I think they're also wrong about this." So what your saying is that you're planning on disagreeing with the Proclamation to the Family and our First Presidency including the Prophet of God because you think at some point down the road, they're all gonna change their minds. If they changed their minds once (ie blacks and the priesthood) then they might do it again... so you're gonna go in the complete opposite direction of the Mormon Church and it's counsel.

"The Church isn't allowed to tell me how to vote. I'm super pissed that the Church has chosen to become so involved in this obviously political issue." Sure. Gay marriage is a political issue. And I recognize that churches aren't allowed to tell it's members how to vote or else they'll lose their tax exempt status. But the Church isn't doing that... no matter how bad you want to blame the Church for disagreeing with you... they aren't doing anything they're not supposed to do. They are simply expressing their opinion and reiterating their (our) beliefs. Don't you remember how often we are counseled by our church leader to "vote with your conscience"? Just because a church says, "Marriage between a man and woman is the bedrock of society." doesn't mean they are telling their members how to vote. Get over it! If you feel guilty about voting against the church, that's your problem. Quite blaming the church for reminding you about your own beliefs. Stand up for yourself. Own up to it. Admit that you think our church leaders are old-fashioned hypocrites who need to get with the times and start being more accepting of the sins of others.

That is all. Have a great day.


Next Week: The Myth of Global Warming

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Compliment

I don't think there has been a night in the last two weeks that I have been to bed before 3am. Which has made my job complicated because I'm supposed to be there at 6am. I have been late for work every single day. Sometimes, by as much as half an hour.

You'd think with my earlier post this year that I would have been fired by now. Believe me they huff and puff like they are going to fire me... but they don't. Ha ha, they can't. I'm the number one salesman in the company every month. Not by a little, but by a lot. So today the owner of the company has me come into his office. I assumed it was either for a pep talk or a scolding.

When I walk in he has a receptionist at the desk right in front of his door. She's really cute. Her hair is short, her skin dark, she has light eyes like a gray or blue or gray-blue. She is wearing a business suit and looks way more professional than anyone on the sales floor. She smiles at me and tells me that the big man will be a minute.

I sit there for a while. I try not to stare at her, but it was either her or a big vase in the corner. She was typing something on the computer. I figured she had to be older than me. Like 26 or 28 or something. I had heard that the boss had inappropriate relationships with his secretaries. The boss was like 50 though, I had a hard time imagining it.

I couldn't see if she had a ring. Her left hand was behind the monitor as she typed.

She looked at me and totally busted me staring at her. I tried to look away really fast, but sorta froze. She smiles and says, "So you're the top guy?" I thought about the quote from Indiana Jones, then I realized in the movie they actually say "top men". That thought is interrupted by the stark realization that I am still staring... I say , "I guess." She looks at me. Studies me. She says, "These guys talk about you like you're the great white hope." I don't think she knows what that means. Which I guess doesn't matter if I know what she meant by it. I say, "Does that mean I am not in trouble?" Her smile gets bigger. She says, "Art doesn't do the 'trouble' thing, thats what he's got managers for." I smile and say, "Ah, yes. I've been there before." She looks back at her moniter and types. I manage to pull away my stare.

I looked at the vase for a minute then decided I should capitalize on every second I have with this girl. I look at her and say, "How long have you worked here?" She looks at me. She grins a little and says, "Three years." I nod, not knowing where to go from there. She says, "You're very confident. That's probably what makes you such a good salesman." This caught me off guard. Here I was almost completely petrified unable to be myself in her presence, and she calls me confident? I reply, "You think. Wha- What makes you say that?"

She grabs a pen and taps it on the desk for a few seconds. Then she says, "You stare. In a good way. When I know you are looking at me , I look over and you keep looking, Like you're saying 'yeah, I'm looking at you'." I laugh a little. That is not what I was thinking at all. She grabs a pad and stands up. I say, "Is it creepy?" She starts walking past me out of the room. She is tall, probably as tall as me with her heels (which is a good thing). Her legs were nearly three quarters of her entire body. She instantly went from really cute to sexy. She responds on her walk past, "Not creepy, confident... It's a good thing."

I'm blushing at this point. Then I notice the big fat rock resting on her ring finger. Married. I say "Thank you." She's past me now, headed out of the room and she says, "It was nice meeting you, he'll be ready any minute."

I finally got in and chatted with the big boss. I did end up getting a light scolding for my tardies. It was followed by a verbal commendation. All I could think about was his secretary, though.

I sat there as he talked and instead of listening thought about what a great compliment that was. Even though I don't think it's true, I felt pretty awesome. I didn't know her name. I was going to find it out though.

It wasn't until I got back to the sales floor that I found out from my manager that I just got a 25 cent raise. I blushed again just playing the compliment through my head.


Monday, August 2, 2010

Cake of Sin

It only makes sense that since I've already had the best date of all time that it was only a matter of time until I had the worst date of all time. That might be a slight exaggeration, but my date with Stephanie Saturday night was pretty bad.

When I called to ask Stephanie out last week, our conversation was pretty awkward. But it was the first time we'd spoken since the swimming pool, so I didn't think it should count negatively toward her or our chemistry. Stephanie lives in an apartment with a few roommates, but told me she was going to be at her parents house on Saturday and asked if I could pick her up there.

When I got there, her sister let me inside and then left to get Stephanie. I stood in the front room and waited. The house was like a nursing home. It smelled like pee and it was decorated floor to ceiling with little statues and miscellaneous knick-knacks. I didn't count, but I remember seeing at least 20 curio cabinets filled to the brim with figurines. The wall closest to the door had a zillion framed photos presumably of Stephanie's siblings. One of the photos was of two little baby feet... like a posed picture of a newborn infant. Next to it was a photo of the face of a sleeping baby.

When Stephanie came in she caught me studying the photos on the wall. I pointed to the picture of the baby and asked, "Is that your little sister?" Stephanie said, "No. That's my older sister. She was a still birth." So that's how the date started. With me asking about the photo of a dead baby that has been framed and hanging on her parents wall for 23 years.

The good news was that Stephanie had a pretty nice body. And she looked really good with a little bit of makeup on. When we met at the pool her hair was wet and she didn't have any makeup on. She was pretty tall, though. Almost too tall. It looked like she was exactly my height... which isn't good.

We went to eat at Ruby River before the comedy show. The conversation was pretty good, but it wasn't great. After dinner, I told the waiter that it was Stephanie's birthday and asked if they could sing her a song. Stephanie stared at me like she'd just witnessed me stabbing a puppy with a ball-point pen. The waiter said, "We don't sing, but I'll bring out some ice cream cake." After he left, I noticed Stephanie was still staring at me with her lips parted. "You totally just lied." Was she serious? "Well, I guess technically. But now we get free dessert." I couldn't believe Stephanie was so shocked. Had she really never lied about her birthday to get a free dessert at a restaurant? I had always assumed that it was every single persons birthday when I eat out.

The waiter came back out and put the dessert in front of us with two forks. She didn't touch her fork. So I ate it all. It was hard, too, cause I normally don't like stuff like that. But I wanted to prove a point. I'm not sure what the point was, but I proved it.

I couldn't tell if the comedy show was below average or if neither one of us really wanted to be there so we didn't find it very funny.

Despite how horrible the date was going, on the drive home I couldn't help but wonder if Stephanie and I would be making out on her doorstep. Even though I was pretty sure she didn't like me very much, I thought it would be pretty great to have an Angry I Hate You So Much makeout. I'd never had one of those, but it sounded pretty awesome.

As we got closer to her house, I thought I'd liven the mood by singing a song out loud for her... like a little impromptu karaoke. As luck would have it, Poison was the next song on my iPod playlist. I didn't think through the lyrics before I started singing. I was more interested with putting on a humorous show complete with air guitar, air drums, head banging, and full body convulsing. I sang the verses loudly and pretty much right in Stephanie's face:

Your mouth. So hot.
Your well. I'm caught.
Your skin. So wet.
Black lace on sweat.

Keep in mind, this is pretty much the most bitchin' song in the entire world. But before I could get to the second chorus, Stephanie says, "Well, this is a great way to ring in the Sabbath Day." I stopped singing and said, "What?" Stephanie motioned to the clock in my truck that read 12:03... Sunday morning. "I said this song is a great way to ring in the Sabbath."

I turned the stereo off and didn't say anything else until we got to her apartment. Stephanie didn't even give me a chance to open my car door. She was out of my truck almost before it had rolled to a stop.

Stephanie has a pretty nice butt.


Saturday, July 31, 2010

Two K's

After meeting the three blonds we have been hanging out with them a lot. Sure enough Farrah and Lance are looking to be coupled in the future. Kelly has been at our house nearly every night since the first. She just pops in whenever she's in the area. I have been flirting with her and with Karen. I know they're both friends, but they're not that good of friends. They are both friends with Farrah and only each other because of their connection to her.

If they find out it, could spell disaster... but only for my relationship with them. There are plenty of other girls rolling in and out of this house that I can afford to make a few mistakes, I figure. Besides after Claire and Andrea and all the drama that ensued I've decided that I take relationships a little bit too seriously. I need to lighten up. So flirt on, that's my new motto.

Here are some flirtings I have had through text with the two friends:

JAKE - 1:14pm: So... how was Hawaii?
KAREN - 1:20pm: Amazing!
JAKE - 1:30pm: Nice. I should go there some time.
KAREN - 1:33pm: Have you never been? Where is your favorite place you have traveled to?
JAKE - 1:50pm: Nope, never. Favorite? Ireland.
KAREN - 1:55pm: Did you visit there for soccer? I am saving to go to Greece. That's the next big trip I want to take.
(Karen is hotter than me. I think she's an 8 even if Calvin thinks she's a 5 that looks like a blond Kermit the Frog. So I realize that she is responding to me almost instantly. Which is a good sign. I want to keep her on her toes, so I decide to delay my responses in hopes that this would make her as crazy as it does me.)
JAKE - 2:40pm: I served my mission there. Greece? That's so trendy... Lets go to Istanbul instead.
KAREN - 2:51pm: That is awesome you served your mission in Ireland. What part? Is that when you started liking soccer? Have you been back since?
JAKE - 3:22pm: Dublin. No. No.
KAREN - 3:50pm: Have you seen Green Street Hooligans?
(I notice she waited 30 minutes to respond to that one... which probably means she just had to take a crap... but just in case she was trying to respond to my delayed responses I decided to double my response time - which was really hard to do.)
JAKE - 5:46pm: Yes.
KAREN - 5:53pm: I love that movie! I haven't seen it in a while but its one I never get sick of.
(Ah, a 7 minute response... much better. And, she left me an obvious open invitation to ask her to watch Green Street Hooligans with me.)
KAREN - 5:59pm: And by the way, Greece is not too trendy. And I think you're cute.
KAREN - 6:10pm: And when I say cute, I mean hot.
(Okay she said I was cute I could capitalize right now, but me and Aaron are going to go see Inception again tonight with The Twins. So I decide that the best way to play this is to not respond to her AT ALL. She knows she's hot, and I'm certain she knows she's hotter than me. Yet here she was tossing me hints like they're ninja stars. I decided that if I ignored her after confessing that she thought I was attractive would make her want me even more. So I didn't respond till the next morning.)
JAKE - 8:58am: Rumor has it flattery will get you everywhere.
KAREN - 8:59am: Except a rapid response from Jake Halifax.
(I count that as proof that my strategy worked.)
KAREN - 9:22am: And Jake when I say that, naturally I mean it in the cleanest way possible.
JAKE - 9:28: Wanna get lunch today?

(While I was at lunch with Karen)
KELLY - 12:43pm: You never text me back?
JAKE - 1:11pm: I always text you back, sometimes it takes 3 days.
KELLY - 1:19pm: Funny. You never responded to my last question.
JAKE - 1:44pm: I forgot.
KELLY - 1:50pm: I know. That's what I am saying.
(I didn't forget I was just pretending. Because if a cute girl thinks you aren't thinking about her it makes you "different" and girls like different.)
JAKE - 2:21pm: No, I forgot what you asked.
KELLY - 2:25pm: You're bad at texting.
JAKE - 2:30pm: I warned you.
KELLY - 2:40pm: Have you ever been surfing?
JAKE - 3:15pm: Yep, a few times. I am good at everything... except texting.
KELLY - 3:23pm: Hmm, everything but text? I think I am going to like this.
KELLY - 4:03pm: I'm starting to wonder if you're one of those examples of the pen is mightier than the sword. You're sure good at writing, but...
JAKE - 4:21pm: But?
KELLY - 4:24pm: Well, I guess we'll see.
JAKE - 4:28pm: Ha ha, I'm not worried. I'm way better in person.
KELLY - 4:31pm: You don't seem to worry about anything. I think that's part of your appeal.
(She might as well have ask me out. I decide I am going to hold out on her too... make her think about me a little more, then she throws me a curveball.)
KELLY - 5:05pm: Send me a picture.
(This has never happened to me before. What was she asking? I have heard of it, but wasn't really sure what was expected. A picture of my face? in one of those myspace poses? Not bloody likely.)
KELLY - 5:26pm: Just do it!
(I decided to send her a picture of an oven I already had in my phone from selling it on KSL weeks ago.)
KELLY - 5:35pm: You are one strange mofo.
JAKE - 5:40pm: Strange?
KELLY - 5:47pm: You sent me a stove when I wanted to see your face (or butt).
JAKE - 6:31pm: Well, you can't blame me for your inability to specify...
KELLY - 6:32pm: Send me a picture of your face. Please.
(I found an old picture of me with head phones and sunglasses and stuff on and sent it.)
KELLY - 6:48pm: Watch out world. Here comes Jake the bad ass! :) whats with all the equipment?
JAKE - 7:00pm: Sunglasses: protect my eyes from harmful UV rays. Seatbelt: Keeps me in place in case of a crash. T-shirt: protects upper body from chaffing seatbelt might cause. Headset: Allows me to talk to & hear other passengers over noise of the engine.
KELLY - 7:04pm: Really?? You fly? Will you take me?
JAKE - 9:36pm: Ha ha, no... I ride. I was in the backseat.
KELLY - 9:40pm: Dang, I was ready to kiss you.
JAKE - 11:19pm: Curses, oh well... I'll have to make do kissing girls who don't only kiss pilots.
KELLY - 11:23pm: I didn't say I only kiss pilots. I am sure you could think of something to entice me to kiss you. Remember you're good at everything... except texting.
JAKE - 11:42pm: Well, I am a better kisser than any pilot.
KELLY - 11:45pm: Prove it!
JAKE - 11:48pm: Why?
KELLY - 11:56pm: You have the best answers.
(I thought about replying that the only thing I would have to do to entice her is show up... but instead I decided that this was the part where I would ignore her so that I could ensure it.)
KELLY - 12:27am: What should I have said in response to that?
KELLY - 1:13am: Hello? Awake?

I like Karen a little more, mainly because she is hotter... also she seems easier. Plus I know that Kelly has been flirting similarly with Aaron and Peter, but whatever.


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Yup... I Said It...

Whenever I decide to show up to a social gathering with my roommates, everyone cheers when I walk in. It's like I'm on a sitcom and I'm one of the favorite characters. I don't pretend like I'm the favorite or anything, it's just that I usually don't make much of an effort to go to those kinds of things so when I DO show up everyone acts like it's a special treat when in reality I know I'm being mocked.

We went to the pool party thing on Monday afternoon/evening. It was supposed to be some sort of FHE activity, but we got there late so IF there was a spiritual thought or lesson given... we weren't there for it. It probably took place inside someone's apartment anyway. I can't imagine being able to focus on a spiritual message with everyone hanging out in bathing suits.

When we walked through the gate to the party already in progress I heard at least 10 different people yell, "Calvin!" and "Yay! Calvin's here!" and "I thought you were too good for us, Cal." and "Nice Speedo, Calvin!". Just kidding about the last one. I wasn't wearing my Speedo. However, I WAS wearing a swimming suit that I'm pretty sure I had in Jr. High. It was pretty small. I thought it would work well and help to accentuate my bulge... but in reality, it just revealed by pasty upper thighs and love handles. Just a little bit of a backfire.

Jake, Lance and Aaron jumped right into the mix. There was a volleyball game going on and they slid right into the game with no problems at all. I've mentioned before that I'm not the most athletic guy so I chose to hang in the shallow end with some average looking girls that wouldn't intimidate me. As I looked around at all the girls I observed something very interesting. It looked like they had divided themselves into groups based on how modest their swimming suits were. There was the bikini group. The two-piece-exposed-midriff-but-more-coverage-than-bikini group. Then there was the one-piece group. On the other side of the pool was the one-piece-suit-as-well-as-skirt-like-drapes-meant-to-conceal-larger-than-average-butt group. And finally... over on the grass I saw the we're-so-insecure-with-ourselves-we-refuse-to-let-anyone-see-our-bare-flesh-except-for-our-doctor-and-even-then-he-has-to-ask-us-to-change-into-that-gown-at-least-five-times-before-we-actually-do group.

Eventually I realized that it wasn't so much groups based on modesty as much as it was groups based on self-esteem. There were plenty of girls wearing swimming suits that were the exact opposite of flattering. But there they were. In all their glory. Running. Jiggling. Laughing. Splashing into the pool almost creating Tsunamis after every cannonball. They didn't care. And I thought that was awesome. I realized that I cared way too much about my white thighs.

"Hey, Calvin." I was sitting in a chair by the pool and I glanced down to see a girl hanging onto the side, looking at me. I knew she was in my ward, but I didn't know her name. I replied, "Hey." She looked pretty cute, but she was in the water so I couldn't see her body. Blast. What kind of swimming suit was she wearing?

She motioned to her friend, Natalie, sitting at a table on the other side of the pool. I know Natalie. She's pretty hot. "Natalie just said to me... she said, 'Stephanie, go ask Calvin why he isn't playing volleyball with the other guys.' So... why aren't you?" Stephanie. That's right. Stephanie. I didn't realize until later, but I'm pretty sure she did the same thing I do when I don't think a girl remembers my name.

I explained to Stephanie that I would normally be the first one in the pool playing volleyball, but that I didn't want to overexert myself after my rigorous workout earlier that afternoon. She looked at me to try to figure out if I was joking... since I don't look as though I'm much of a worker outer. I kept a straight face, but I could see a hint of a smile on her lips. She has a really cute mouth and very attractive lips. I said, "I can tell you don't believe me. I have my bar bells in the car if you wanna see them." She laughed, "You have bar bells in your car?" I replied, "Uh... yeah," like it was the most normal thing in the world, "I'm pretty sure that's what every guy does who's as serious about his exercise regimen as I am." I think by this point I had a smile on my face. Stephanie said, "Regimen? Who uses that word?" "Well, obviously you've never met someone as in shape as I am cause the people I hang out with at Wild Oats use 'regimen' it all the time." Stephanie didn't hesitate to call me out on my blunder, "It's not Wild Oats anymore, Calvin. It's Whole Foods now. Nice try." Crap. She got me. "Well, I've been shopping at Wild Oats for so long it's hard for me to call it anything else. It's like the Delta Center. I know it's not called the Delta Center anymore, but I'm always gonna call it the Delta Center."

We talked for a few more minutes, but Stephanie never got out of the pool. She just clung to the side like she'd forgotten how to swim. I stood up once to try to get a better view of her swimming suit and maybe some cleavage, but it didn't work. After 10 minutes or so Jake wandered up to us. I said, "Hey Jake. Do you know Stephanie?" Jake introduced himself and then said, "So... how long have you guys been talking?" Stephanie and I looked at each other and then she said, "I dunno. About 15 minutes." Jake looked at her and said, "And you haven't asked him out yet?" I looked at Stephanie and gave her a "That's true. Why haven't you asked me out?" look. Steph asked, "Do girls usually ask you out after a 15 minute conversation?" Before I had a chance to think of a witty reply, Jake said, "Usually it takes five." While we were both laughing, Jake turned around and walked back toward the volleyball net... like the perfect wingman. A paradisaical wingman from another dimension.

Stephanie said, "I think giving you my phone number is a logical first step." I laughed as I fumbled for my phone to type in her phone number.

We kept talking for a few more minutes, but once a phone number has been given I've always thought it best to get the crap out of there so you don't give the girl a chance to regret giving it to you. But at the same time I really wanted to see Steph get out of the pool. Maybe she was purposely NOT getting out because she didn't want me to see the 30 lbs of cottage cheese she was storing on her thighs.

Then I heard a little bit of commotion over by the volleyball game. Jake's nose was pouring blood. I used it as an excuse to separate myself from Stephanie.

No... Jake didn't get hit with the volleyball and he didn't get elbowed or anything. Turns out this kind of thing happens to Jake once or twice a year. He's been to the doctor and the prognosis has been "Eat healthier. Sleep more." Jake sleeps an average of four hours a night and eats very little. What he does eat can barely be classified as "food stuffs". It's, like, Fig Newtons, milk, and Ramen.

I'll be calling Stephanie tomorrow afternoon to ask her out for this weekend. Hopefully I can get Jake to come, as well. I hate going on first dates without any other couples. Too much pressure.


Friday, July 23, 2010

Tres Rubios y los gemelos (gotta love Google Translate)

So far since moving in Lance has been all talk. He looks like a playa, he talks like a playa, but he never really brings in the ladies like a playa. Aaron on the other hand is quite capable at bringing around girls. He has this fearlessness about him which somehow allows him to just walk up to strange women and invite them over.

Calvin does a lot of solo type of work where he brings over a girl, dates her, breaks her heart, and occasionally the house can benefit from his seconds. Gabe does the solo thing too, except he hides them from us. I almost never say a word to one of Gabe's girls. If he's with one, he doesn't hang out with us.

Nick never brings anyone over and neither does Tim or Peter.

I am pretty capable when it comes to introducing new women to our pad. Probably only bested by Aaron. I have excellent networking and retention skills that give our house the ability to milk every possible angle from a girl, her friends, co-workers, cousins, sisters, mom... okay not mom... not yet.

Recently there have been two groups of females who have created some excitement among the lads of the pad. The first came surprisingly as a result of Lance and the internet. I call them The Three Blonds. Kelly, Karen, and Farrah. They are all cute and all very blond. Lance met Kelly on Facebook and invited her over and she just brought the other two with her.

The first night a group of girls comes over we try to ensure that no other groups are going to be there. This way they can receive the full attention of our house and not be scared off by our usual harem. This allows us to determine quite subtly how we are going to pair off. We can see who likes them and try and guess who they like.

The Three Blond's arrived and I instantly picked Karen as my favorite by looks. Then within the first hour or so I started to lean towards liking Farrah. Farrah was spunky and fiery. She was the obvious leader and I found that attractive. Plus she was all about school and getting a masters and stuff which I also find attractive. It was apparent though that she was the favorite of a few of the other guys and it seemed like she was getting into Lance.

I really feel like I may have had a chance at working on Farrah that night. I rarely felt threatened in competition with my roommates except for with Calvin but he wasn't there. Unfortunately, a second group of new girls just decided to stop by that night.

These girls came as a result of my effort... so the task to entertain them was left to me. We never let new girls co-mingle until we know them better because we know what a tendency they have to be catty with each other, especially in fertile grounds like our house.

We call these girls The Twins because, well... two of them are twins. Dana and Donna are identical twin sisters. They are both cute, too. We just call them the twins because the other girls who hang out with them are of little interest to any of the guys and therefore are just referred to under the umbrella of the term The Twins. They have a sidekick, Carol, who isn't really cute but is pretty good for a conversation. Today, the twins also brought along their step sister who I had only met once before.

We went into the living room and talked while the other three guys who were home stayed and fought over The Three Blonds. I had met them at my little brothers mission farewell. That was a couple months ago, and I had been nurturing the contact to get them over here and it was just now starting to work out.

We talked and flirted. Aaron masterfully came in and out of both rooms throughout the night. Me and The Twins ended up playing Mario Kart which was fun, but in the few quiet moments I would hear the Three Blonds laugh in unison and wish I was in there with them.

After a couple hours The Twins left. I felt I made some good headway with getting them to come back.

When I returned to the room The Three Blonds were hanging in they were all watching Hot Rod. During the "Huwhy ham hi saying huwhisky huwhat huway?" scene I watched the pairings. Lance was in the little loveseat with Farrah, he was tickling her arm. Nick and Kelly were sitting awkwardly on the sofa not touching but close enough that it was clear they wanted to. Gabe sat behind Karen and was rubbing her neck.

I stood for a few moments thinking I had missed my chance and was about to leave when Gabe got a phone call. He left the room to answer it and I thought, "I should take his spot." My thought was interrupted by a huge pit in my stomach. Then Karen said, "Jake. I need someone to sit behind me." I tried to be funny and looked around and pointed at myself and then whispered "Me?" She laughed and said "Get over here."

The girls left right after the movie. Lance got a text from Farrah saying that Karen was creeped out by Gabe and interested in me. Not sure where Nick and Kelly stand but it looks like at least Lance and I had a successful pairing after all.


Thursday, July 22, 2010

Brief Q & A with Accompanying Update

A month? Seriously? What in the crap have you guys been doing for an entire effing month?

Well that's a good question right there. Jake and I have had several discussions about this here blog and whether or not it was worth our time. I mean, we both like writing. We both like telling stories. We both like making fun of people to their face... while still remaining (somewhat) anonymous. We both like the attention. However, MBP was taking up so much of our time. Especially for me since I had to write my own posts and also proofread them... PLUS proofread and correct Jake's posts, as well. It was so extremely time consuming. So first I was like, "You just loooove being the favorite don't you Jake?" And Jake was like, "I'm not the favorite. What are you talking about? You're the one that all the girls are flirting with." And I'm like, "They only like me because I'm not in the middle of eight zillion relationships. Our readers love you more cause you can type about a bunch of lovey dovey cheesy lame stuff."

The conversation continued for a while until one of us (I'm honestly not sure who) told the other that THEY were more addicted to the MBP attention than... the other. More accusations were made. More gauntlets were thrown. Then we both started trying to convince the other that we could stop the blog cold turkey with no problems at all. The claims began getting more and more outrageous until we both had pretty much sworn off the blog entirely. In fact, Jake told me that he was so indifferent about MBP that he was POSITIVE that he could go longer without MBP twitter, MBP Facebook and even talking about the blog. I said, "You mean you think you can go longer without uttering the words 'Mormon', 'Bachelor', or 'Pad' than I can?" Jake said, "I have no doubt in my mind." Then I said, "Well, not only can I refrain from uttering those three words, but I'll bet I can go longer without even saying the names 'Calvin' or 'Jake'." Jake laughed in my freakin' face and called me an amateur. Then I reminded him that he works with two different guys named 'Jake' and one of them shared a cubicle with him. He still claimed that he could go longer without saying anything about MBP out loud. It was pretty easy during the week, but it got a lot harder to not say "Mormon" on Sundays. We also couldn't talk with Aaron about his favorite show, The Bachelorette, because it included the word "Bachelor". "Pad" was the easiest word to avoid. Mostly cause we're guys and we don't menstruate. (ps. why in the crap is there a "u" in menstruate?" Thanks, spellchecker, for confusing the crud out of me.")

So there we were. For the last month. That's what we've been doing. Trying to outlast each other.

So... who won then?

Well, it's kinda like in high school when my friend and I bet $50 that we could be vegetarian longer than the other one. After 36 hours we found ourselves at The Training Table with a bunch of other people, staring at the menu. We both started talking about all of the delicious animal-based burgers and sandwiches on the menu. We looked at each other and called a truce. Then I ordered the Guacamole Bacon Burger and he ordered the Bleu Bacon Cheese Burger. So that's the longest I've gone without eating meat... and that's similar to how Jake and I decided to keep writing.

So what's up with not being able to leave comments?

Well, since there were only ten people who left regular comments... plus the fact that we ignored pretty much every single speck of advice that people gave us anyway... we decided to just do away with the whole comment thing. Fear not, though. If you have an insult that you feel we must hear, we have email, twitter, and facebook accounts just waiting for your harsh words and criticism.

So are you gonna waste a bunch of posts filling us in on what we missed over the last month are you just gonna skip over all of it and start writing like you used to?

Neither. I'm gonna bring you all up to date on my last four weeks right now:

Week 1: My mom set me up with a receptionist at her work, Shelby. She's cute, but doesn't laugh at my jokes.

Week 2: Shelby is in summer school and always has a bunch of homework so she can't go out with me as often as I'd like.

Week 3: I offer to hang out and help Shelby with her homework. She reluctantly agrees. We actually do her homework and DON'T roll around like I was anticipating with the entirety of my soul.

Week 4: My roommates get wind of my quote DATES unquote with Shelby and try to convince me she is not interested in the least, but doesn't know how to tell me that since she works with my mom. I feel really embarrassed. I ask my mom if Shelby has said anything and my mom tells me that Shelby thinks I'm a really nice guy. It becomes devastatingly apparent that everyone knows Shelby isn't into me... except me. I find the courage to call Shelby and explain to her what my roommates have said and my brand new "jump-started" vibe about how she feels. Shelby sighs and confirms the suspicions in the nicest way possible, but I still kind of hope that she gets punched really hard in the face by another girl at some point in the near future. Not cause I don't like her or anything, but just because that's what she gets for not thinking I'm the awesomest person in the entire world. Which I'm 97% certain I am, because why would my mom tell me something that wasn't true.

Things planned for the near future:

We've been invited to a pool party by an average looking girl in our ward. Even though she's only average, we're still gonna go since there's a good chance there will be other scantily clad attendees.


(Insert custom flower gay-looking border that Aaron crafts specially for us)
I’d bet my copy of the Boy Scout Handbook that July is one of the busiest months of the year for a single guy. What with the sun being out, weekly games of Frisbee, BBQ’s, parties, warm late nights… it seems impossible to sum up the last month. Yet I do have a couple of great stories to tell. So I will attempt to be brief and fill you in.

Claire Claire Claire (shakes head instantly giving away the ending to this tale)
Yesterday I met this new girl named Jane. She’s a pretty thing and I initially enjoyed our banter very much. Then I was talking about Predators in mixed company and she said, “Eew you watch rated R movies, that’s so Jack.” While typing this I realize that it’s hard for me to portray how serious she was, but she was dead frickin serious. I quickly responded with, “Well which is worse self righteousness or R rated movies? Because it seems to me like we’re even... with how self-righteous you are being right now.” The retarded look on her face was exactly what I had intended and I walked away hoping Jane would never be back to our house.

This whole thing with Jane happened because of Claire. Calvin and I have recently made a regular occurrence of comparing self-righteousness to other things all because of Claire.

The last post on this blog was about me opening up to Claire. Really opening up. She seemed to take it all very well. She seemed to be so understanding of my past mistakes. Like she accepted me for who I was. I felt connected to her and had decided that night I was going to make my move to tell her how I really felt.

Well it took some doing, we had a lot of fun and spent some time together. I didn’t do it until the 4th of July. A huge and I mean, HUGE, group of us went to Sugar House park. Claire and I got there at 4pm to save a spot with the 8 large blankets we estimated we would need. We played Frisbee, spent time chatting and even ran down to the pond to feed the ducks some of our left over Taco Bell. Then people started arriving and it was a great great night.

After the firework show Aaron and Nick took 'clean up duty' and Claire and I walked back to her car. It was dark, and I grabbed Claires hand. She looked at me a little uncomfortable. I hoped that it was because we had been hanging out so much without actually ever doing this… I was wrong. Since I didn’t know I was wrong I went ahead and bore my soul to her. I told her how she made me feel and how I felt about her. It felt good. It felt overdue. She stopped and said, “Jake I want to feel those things for you, too, but I can’t let myself. We would never work.”

I’m not certain how long it took for me to say something… a long time I think. I asked her if I was in the Friend Zone. She told me that was not it. She told me that she found me attractive and had always had the beginnings of romantic feelings for me. Then she went on to explain that it was my past that scared her. She said she could never trust that the person that I was in the past wouldn’t come back.

We stood there, in the dark. She leaned against a tree, and I swayed back and forth. We talked like that for about an hour. I would bring up forgiveness and growth and she would say something stupid like, “I can’t see myself married* to someone who I’ll always worry will fall away.” I told her she was making a mistake, and then I started to get defensive. Our discussion turned into an argument. I sorta said something I shouldn’t have… and the whole thing ended with her walking away while I stood there. Swaying… I watched her get into her car, and I haven’t seen her since.

I have wondered if I would have made the move earlier or waited to be so honest with her if we would have had something beautiful. However, I like Calvin’s take on it. Calvin thinks that the only thing that would have changed if I had done it differently is that I would have made out with her and then found out she was a self righteous wench.

I called Andrea on the 5th of July. I really was planning on calling her the middle of July no matter what, but Claire's starry-eyed ignorance prompted me to do it earlier. Our conversation was brief and unrewarding. I asked her how things were and we went through some small talk. She seemed pretty cold and unexcited. I asked her how things were going since “well-you know” and she simply replied "good". I suggested we hang out sometime and she halfheartedly said "okay". I hung up the phone and felt sick… not because I had known I lost her. More because I felt like I was being blamed for something even though she didn’t say anything to that effect… it was like she was taking something out on me.

I haven’t called or texted her to hang out since.

The last two weeks have been a blast though. Our house is alive with flirtatious fraternization's that I would have never imagined. With a full house of 7 guys living there now, all working together to bring women home for the sharing I expect some exciting things. In fact, if things go according to plan… I think I’ll be snoggin some new honey tomorrow.


*We Mormons have it ingrained in us at an early age that we “marry who we date” so even though it may seem a little presumptuous of Claire, this is actually pretty common in the Mormon-dating-realm… well in my Mormon-dating-realm, anyway.

Monday, June 21, 2010

The History of Jake 2 of 6

After reading the title of this post you might think back to the first “History of Jake” post and decide there is no way that you are going to read another really really really really long post. This will not be the case here. If you don’t believe me take a moment to scroll down. See… it’s not that long.

So as I mentioned in that post, I have constantly been at arms with authority. I have struggled my whole life to do what is right. I know that everyone does things like this and struggles, but it seems like my list goes a little further than most. Again, when I say that the only reason I am not in prison right now is because of my belief in Jesus Christ and my attempts to be obedient to him, it is not an exaggeration.

• BULLY: You already know about the bully thing.

• DESTROY: As a child I was a terrible little kid. Prior to high school I did a lot of damage. I cannot even count the number of times I egged someone’s house or car. Or gathered up rotten apples and did the same thing. Some nights we would stand in bushes and as people walked by actually throw rotten apples at them. Throwing rocks through windows, mailbox bashing, and tire slashing were things I instigated often. It all came to a head when I was 14. There was the school district bus yard right behind my house. Along it ran some train tracks. What are train tracks surrounded with? Rocks. I convinced my brother and his friend who was sleeping over one night to go to the tracks and break as many windows in the buses as we could. We broke a lot of windows. Probably 100. We had been there for nearly half an hour when I notice the police that had silently surrounded us. They turned on the spot lights, I yelled "RUN!" and remember being tackled by a policeman. It was three in the morning when my parents got the call that we had been arrested and taken to the police station. I was later sentenced to community service which took an entire year to complete. Needless to say I was grounded for the entirety of 2002.

• LIE: I have in the past been an epic liar. Going above and beyond that of a regular liar. For example: Once I started a new job at a movie theater, there were several cute girls that worked there. I wanted them to like me, so I concocted a huge tragic story to aid in bonding. I told them that while at my Junior prom when I was 16, that it was raining heavily and there was a terrible car accident. That my date died. I would purposely give little bits of the story here and there so that those I told it too would feel as though they had to share some private story from their lives with me so that I would open up. The story was extremely detailed and involved several hundred lies. It even culminated with a tearful confession from me that usually lead to a hug and if I was lucky some impromptu make-outs up in the projector hallway. When I decided quite suddenly to go on a mission (which I wasn’t planning on doing at 18 and will tell you more about in a later history post) I confessed to each and every person about this lie. It was really hard. A lot of the friendships and romances I had in my teenage years where built upon the foundation of sharing this (if it were true) very traumatic and private experience. One which when shared these girls would share with me their most private and traumatic experiences. When I confessed to them that it was all a lie… that instead of going to my Junior prom I actually went to see a movie, by myself, they were hurt and angry. I lost many of my friends just before my mission. This is just one example of many lies I have told that I have confessed.

• STEAL: When I was a child around seven, I stole my Grandmothers camera from off the top of her fridge. I took the remaining pictures on the roll, and then when I tried to open the camera to get the pictures out I learned that you have to develop them first, but in learning this I ruined the roll by exposing it to light. I got caught, and this coupled with other experiences led my parents to send me to counseling for “kleptomania” I was young and don’t remember anything about it except that I kind of had a crush on my therapist. The therapy didn’t work because I grew up only maximizing my ability to steal. I had several jobs in high school, and quickly learned how to take from my employers without getting caught. I stole a lot of money. A lot. I think the actual term is embezzlement. What was really odd about this is that I would keep track of all of the money that I took, with the intention of someday paying it back. That was my justification. When I finally confessed this sin I had racked up a total of nearly $20,000 that I had recorded stealing over my illustrious 3-year working career. In order to go on my mission my parents helped me to get a loan and pay back all five of the places I had stolen from. My mission was delayed about six months as I had to convince each one to provide a letter saying they would not pursue criminal charges.

• ASSORTED WICKEDNESS: There are other things not quite appropriate for the blog, or that I will save for a later history post, but the above isn’t everything. It’s just enough to give you a glimpse.

Claire and I talk a lot. So much so that it makes Calvin jealous. I have touched on many of these topics with her before. Last night, however, we had it out and I fully confessed each and every thing I ever did. She did the same but her worst things were lying to her mom about seeing an R rated movie and ditching school. I finished talking and Claire did her thing about listening and making me just feel comfortable. We finished talking last night at 4:30 in the morning. I have never felt comfortable telling a girl all of the things I told Claire.

For being seeming self righteous on the surface, Claire was incredibly complimentary and understanding. Even with Andrea and Sanders I never would have been able to open up like this. When I was driving home I felt really good about our serious heart-to-heart. I know that on our blog Calvin and I display plenty of gay tendencies so you may take this the wrong way, but the things I told Claire, I have only told Calvin. I decided that that is pretty special and that if I am going to be with someone I should be able to tell them all the things I tell Calvin.

I have decided I am going to make my move on Claire. I’m not sure when... probably this weekend. It’s going to take some courage, but I just feel like this might be a bit of a sign as to what I should do. It puts Claire out ahead of Andrea by quite a bit.


Friday, June 18, 2010

Greatest Giveaway Ever!

Jake and I have been talking lately about how awesome it would be to have another Giveaway, except this time we could giveaway an X-box or PS3 or an iPhone 4G or something. Even though we'd love to give away stuff like that, we also realize that we only have five or ten male readers.

I mean, it's possible that some of our girl readers are cute enough to have boyfriends who could benefit from a sweet X-box Giveaway, but it really would just be mean to give a girl an X-box. You're probably asking, "Why would it be mean, Calvin?" Well, because then a bunch of guys would end up using you for your X-box. I don't want to get into the whole "self-esteem" complications that could arise from guys taking advantage of your gaming system, but it's bound to happen.

So we decided the best Giveaway we could do would be to giveaway something that will make you hotter. That's right. We think that girls could always be just a little bit more attractive. And who wouldn't want to be more attractive to members of the opposite sex? (Don't answer that if you're gay or lesbian.)

We did a Shabby Apple dress Giveaway a while back and it seemed to go over pretty well. Except for the fact that the winner didn't like the dress and ended up returning it for the cash, we considered it a success.

It's time for another MBP giveaway. That's right. We have something else to giveaway that will make it easier for guys to look at you for a longer period of time. Have you ever wished your hair was longer? Have you ever got a haircut that ended up being too short and you thought it would be easier to just kill yourself than wait for your hair to grow out? Well drain the hot bath and put the razor blades away. We're giving away HAIR EXTENSIONS!

You would pay anywhere from $800-$1000 for this in a salon. But because we're so awesome, we're giving it away for free (though you should probably still leave April an awesome tip).

The next couple of sentences mean absolutely nothing to me, but I'm going to type them anyway. The hair extensions are done with the Euro Locs method. 100% Remy Human Hair (not from homeless people or carcasses). No glue, heat, sewing, braiding or chemicals during the application or touch-up. And the work is guaranteed.

Let me just say that if I was a a girl or gay or named Aaron, I would LOVE to win this giveaway. But I'm non of those things (arguably) so I won't be entering.

How To Enter:

1. Leave a comment on this post telling us that you want to enter the giveaway.

2. If you want to be entered again, follow April on twitter. Her name is @urhairsucks. She tweets different discounts and deals on hair styles on a regular basis. You won't regret it.

3. If you want to be entered AGAIN then follow us. Yup, you read that right. Follow our blog so Jake and I can high-five after every new follower embarrasses themselves by officially following our blog.

4. And finally, if you want a fourth entry, just mention our blog and bitchin' Giveaway on Facebook or Twitter.

Remember that you need to leave a separate comment for each entry.

You have until 11:59 on June 25th to enter.

If you live outside of Utah, you can still enter the giveaway. If you win you have a couple of options. The winner has six months to "cash in" the prize. If you'll be in Utah anytime in the next six months, you can collect it yourself. If you know someone in Utah, you can give it to them. Awesome, right? Totally awesome. If you don't have any friends anywhere and you're selfish and want the prize all to yourself, you could also just wait until airfare to Utah is cheap. It might be worth it to you to spend a couple hundred bucks to fly to Utah to get a $1000 worth of horizontal hair action.

Or have your parents pay for your flight. Sample conversation:

You: Mom, I was thinking about how great it would be to satiate my soul by actually attending General Conference this year, but I can't afford to fly to Utah. (sigh) I guess I'll just keep praying for a miracle.

Your Mom: I'm so proud of your mature desire to see the Prophet in person. I'd love to help build your testimony and strengthen your spirit by paying for you to fly to Utah in October.

When you get home your mom will think you were so spiritually edified that it caused your hair to grow eight inches.

Good luck!


Contact April Dolato
623 E. Fort Union (North side between Golden Corral and the fire station)
Sandy, Utah

MBP Readers get 10% off all cut, color, perms (if people still do that anymore) and extensions. Pretty much everything. Except waxing. April doesn't do waxing.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

World Cup and Stuff

It's no secret I love soccer. Seen my avatar? (look left). So I get excited to watch the World Cup, as excited as the next guy. Well the next soccer-loving guy. Calvin couldn't care less really. When I tried to explain to him how France qualified for the World Cup and Ireland didn't because France scored off of a "handball" Calvin asked, "Okay, and what's wrong with that?" How he could have served his mission in a country like Ireland and not understand its simple rules might seem baffling to you, but that's Calvin. If it doesn't interest him, it doesn't exist.

So anyway, I love the World Cup, of course. It makes watching Sports Center a little bit more worth it. It has great commercials, everything is so epic, like the world revolves around the sun only because soccer exists or something. Plus it provides some good soccer. I hate the guys who tweet throughout each entire game, and write stuff like "Goooooaaaaaaaaallllllll!!!!" Geez that's annoying. Also, if I wasn't already watching the game and I was interested enough to get a tweet every freaking time someone scored or got a yellow card I would be following the game online or something rather that waiting for your stupid tweet mimicking some South American game announcer.

Having said all that, I am not the type of guy to watch every single World Cup game. I love soccer and all but, a game (between French cheater-faces and I-can't-even-remember-I-was-so-bored) that ends in a 0-0 tie makes me wish I could only watch the 3 minute highlight reel.

So, Claire invited me to this World Cup party last Saturday, which started at 5am! That's 30 minutes earlier than I wake up for work. The thought of getting up that early on a Saturday makes my head hurt. But... it was Claire, and I like to perpetuate myself as someone who's always down to party. Besides I really did want to watch the USA vs England game. Claires World Cup party boasted an HD projector. Calvin has a nice 32 inch LCD that he bought when we moved into this house which is a little on the small side especially for watching soccer.

So Claire picks me up and we head over to this guys house. There were about 7 people there at 5:30. Four guys, me, Claire and one other girl. I invited my roommates, but they didn't have a crush on Claire fogging their judgment to make them think waking up so friggin' early on a Saturday morning was a good idea.

This dude has a killer theater room in his place (or rather his parents place). They even have those light ropes in the floor lining the walkways. Claire and I ended up in the front on one of the love sacs. There was an early goal which we all got to cheer for, and then Claire fell asleep next to me.

I fell asleep. I think everyone did, except for one guy. (The crazy tweeter-watch-every-game-and-brag-about-it-doucher I was referring to earlier.) The love sac helped me and Claire to get really close as we both sunk into the middle. I love Luv Sac's. We slept all morning even through to the next World Cup game that started at 8am.

It was awesome, I would wake up periodically. Claire got more and more comfortable and nuzzled my neck. Her hair smelled awesome. It was actually the most physical Claire and I had ever gotten. I was loving it, of course, and it was all very innocent... as physical contact goes.

More people started showing up, their chatter and salutations woke me up for good. I watched the end of the Argentina/Nigeria game. It was pretty blah. Basically we were watching Messi running circle around people and trying to score, never delivering. I found myself thinking more about my Claire/Andrea situation. I set the alarm in my phone for a month from Andrea's wedding cancellation last week to call her. My mind was spinning I will attempt the best I can to recreate in written format my thought process as I lay there.

- Hopefully Andrea wants to try to make it work again for the two of us - I do - But what if she does and I am two weeks into a relationship with Claire? - I could date them both - No, I don't think I could - Argentina should really be doing better than this - Claire looks really cute in jammys - If no one else were in the room I think I'd try to kiss her - I haven't even told her how I feel yet - I think she'd deny my kiss attempt - good thing there are people here - where are those pretzels? - I don't want to just be Claires rebound - I don't believe in rebounds - That incessant buzzing noise is driving me crazy - Really, Claire and Andrea are both coming out of something - Do I really want to deal with that? - I think I could deal with it - The USA game doesn't start for 2 more hours? - I don't think I can sleep - I hope Claire doesn't want to sleep that whole time - Andrea is prettier than Claire - Claire is more grown up even though they're the same age - Andrea worries more than Claire - Claire is a little more superficial and judgmental - Being Claire's rebound would be good if Andrea did decide she wants me - unless after spending a month with Claire I suddenly have stronger feelings for her than Andrea - I need to fart - Claire won't notice if she's sleeping -


- Good one (sigh) I don't think that'll stink - so who would I pick, Andrea or Claire? - If I knew for certain I could have either one? - Would having kissed Claire influence that choice? - Maybe I should make sure I kiss Claire before I call Andrea - Andrea is a good kisser - I remember how fun it was to kiss her - kissing her - kissing her - kissing her - Uh oh, I'd better re-adjust, don't want Claire feeling my excitement - Maybe I do? - No, not like this - I really wish Nigeria would score - I hope the US wins today too - I don't think they will - I think England will beat them 2 to 1 - Oh yeah, I was going to re-adjust - Actually I don't have to now -

Guy behind me says, "Holy frick, who farted? That was a good one, that you Jake?" I replied, "Nope I think I'm too close to the ground, I don't smell it." They laughed.

- I guess it smells worse than I thought - Claire is stirring - I really want to kiss Claire - she looks like she'd be a great kisser - I love how her lips stick together for a split second before she talks -

I watch her lips stick together for a split second before she says, "It smells like boy butt in here." Then she buries her face further into my neck.

I'm not going to confess or deny the fart - she'll be asleep in a flash anyway - yep, she's asleep again - Where are those pretzels? - I just had them? - 2 minutes left in this game - maybe I should ask Claire what she wants to do before the USA game - maybe suggest a walk to Jamba Juice - oh wait maybe it's raining - is it raining still? - I haven't been near a window for almost 4 hours - Where are those pretzels? - Maybe someone else has them - no - I don't see them anywhere - I bet Andrea is watching this game somewhere too - she used to come watch my soccer games - Claire probably wouldn't ever come watch a game - what if my sons play soccer I want my wife to go their games - comparing them isn't really fair - Andrea was a relationship I screwed up - Claire is a relationship I haven't really started yet - I would pick Andrea - of course I would, we have more history - the game is over - only one point from the mighty Argentina? -

I say, "Only one point from the mighty Argentina."

Claire wakes up and says, "I'm hungry, you want to go to Jamba Juice or something?"

Hmm, that's weird - Screw the pretzels -


Monday, June 14, 2010

Turk From the Waist Down

I've been watching Scrubs lately. It's been coming to me through Netflix. I was chatting with someone on gchat the other day and we were talking about the awesomeness that is Scrubs. They asked me if I was more like JD or Turk. There is no question in my mind that I'm more like JD. I mean, the two doctors are best friends and both exhibit a lot of homosexual tendencies, but most of the time Turk seems to only be tolerating JD's behavior. Not really an active participant. That's kind of like me and Jake. Most of the time I'm the one exhibiting those types of behaviors and Jake just sits back and loves me for who I am.

I'm not overtly gay or anything. If Jake gets a haircut, I don't walk up to him when he gets home, stand on my tiptoes, place my left hand on his chest and run my right hand through the hair on the side of his head and softly say, "You got a hair cut, Jakey" then lean into his ear and whisper, "I like it." That's not the kind of gay I'm talking about. I doubt Jake would tolerate that sort of thing. I just tend to be a little more physically affectionate with my guy friends. Not overly so, though. In fact, I think I'm more "average" in that arena while Jake chooses to not fully engage in the typical physical behavior that the rest of us do.

But I digress. I've mentioned in several previous posts that I get jealous of other people Jake chooses to spend time with. I don't mind sharing my best friend with other people as long as I get to be there... hanging out with them, as well.

Claire doesn't let me do that. It's bugged me for quite some time and I've mentioned it to Jake several times, but he doesn't care. It scares the crap out of me, too. It's forcing me to realize that someday we're going to get married (most likely not to each other) and then there will be another person who will be pulling us away from each other. No other girl has done this to Jake before. Not even Andrea. At least I didn't notice it if she did. But Claire is actually competition to me. Now that I think about it, Andrea was a girl who Jake would spend time with, but they'd also make out a lot.

Claire, on the other hand, isn't putting out for Jake. Maybe... just maybe... in the back of my mind I realize that since Claire isn't getting horizontal with my best friend must mean that she must also be his friend. An equal. A female version of myself. A version that Jake prefers to spend time with instead of me.

I had a pretty crappy day yesterday because of this emotional turmoil that Jake is putting me through. Aaron, Lance, Gabe and I left for church yesterday morning and Jake said he was going to meet us there. But he didn't. All through Priesthood, Sunday School, and Sacrament meeting I think more of my attention was on the door to the room waiting for Jake to stroll in and take his place by my side than it was on the front of the class. I sat next to an empty, saved seat for three freaking hours. I sent Jake a few texts throughout church asking where he was, but he didn't send anything back until just before church ended. He said, "At church with Claire."

So after church I couldn't be bothered to change out of my church clothes so I just took off my tie and napped on the couch waiting for my best friend to get home. I woke up two hours later and there were a bunch of random girls at our house. I talked to some of them for a little while, but it wasn't the same without my wingman. I called Jake every 15 minutes. The first few times it rang until I got his voicemail, but then I started going straight to voicemail. That meant either Jake had turned his phone off or he had his finger on the "decline" button and just pushed it every time I called.

I knew I was being irritating, but it pissed me off so bad that he was doing something with his other friend and didn't invite me. For all he knew, I was all by myself at home watching Sandra Lee's Money Saving Meals or something... lonely... all alone and lonely... by myself.

I half-heartedly talked and flirted as best I could without Jake... but it wasn't sincere and I think the girls knew it. It was like I had BO or something. Everyone knew something was wrong with me, but they couldn't put their finger on it.

To make matters worse, at about 10 o'clock... pretty much the peak of woman attendance, I noticed my bladder was pretty full. I excused myself to go to the bathroom in the middle of one of the games. While I was washing my hands, I realized I still had my church shirt tucked into my church pants. I didn't look very comfortable and relaxed in the mirror so I quickly untucked my shirt and then walked out to finish the game.

It wasn't until about 10 minutes later that I noticed how wrinkled my shirt was down where it had been tucked into my pants. Then it occurred to me that all of the hot girls had heard me say, "I gotta go to the bathroom", they'd seen me enter the bathroom with my shirt tucked in and exit the bathroom with my shirt untucked. It was only natural to assume that I had gone poop. Why else would I untuck my shirt while in the bathroom?

It was too late, though. I had no doubt whatsoever that every single girl was mocking me in their mind because I had decided that my bowel movement was so extremely urgent that I had to go in the middle of our shin-dig of games and laughter. This is the kind of thing that happens when Jake abandons me.

I'd better get married before Jake does or I'm screwed.


ps Thanks for the link, awesome commentor.