Monday, June 14, 2010

Turk From the Waist Down

I've been watching Scrubs lately. It's been coming to me through Netflix. I was chatting with someone on gchat the other day and we were talking about the awesomeness that is Scrubs. They asked me if I was more like JD or Turk. There is no question in my mind that I'm more like JD. I mean, the two doctors are best friends and both exhibit a lot of homosexual tendencies, but most of the time Turk seems to only be tolerating JD's behavior. Not really an active participant. That's kind of like me and Jake. Most of the time I'm the one exhibiting those types of behaviors and Jake just sits back and loves me for who I am.

I'm not overtly gay or anything. If Jake gets a haircut, I don't walk up to him when he gets home, stand on my tiptoes, place my left hand on his chest and run my right hand through the hair on the side of his head and softly say, "You got a hair cut, Jakey" then lean into his ear and whisper, "I like it." That's not the kind of gay I'm talking about. I doubt Jake would tolerate that sort of thing. I just tend to be a little more physically affectionate with my guy friends. Not overly so, though. In fact, I think I'm more "average" in that arena while Jake chooses to not fully engage in the typical physical behavior that the rest of us do.

But I digress. I've mentioned in several previous posts that I get jealous of other people Jake chooses to spend time with. I don't mind sharing my best friend with other people as long as I get to be there... hanging out with them, as well.

Claire doesn't let me do that. It's bugged me for quite some time and I've mentioned it to Jake several times, but he doesn't care. It scares the crap out of me, too. It's forcing me to realize that someday we're going to get married (most likely not to each other) and then there will be another person who will be pulling us away from each other. No other girl has done this to Jake before. Not even Andrea. At least I didn't notice it if she did. But Claire is actually competition to me. Now that I think about it, Andrea was a girl who Jake would spend time with, but they'd also make out a lot.

Claire, on the other hand, isn't putting out for Jake. Maybe... just maybe... in the back of my mind I realize that since Claire isn't getting horizontal with my best friend must mean that she must also be his friend. An equal. A female version of myself. A version that Jake prefers to spend time with instead of me.

I had a pretty crappy day yesterday because of this emotional turmoil that Jake is putting me through. Aaron, Lance, Gabe and I left for church yesterday morning and Jake said he was going to meet us there. But he didn't. All through Priesthood, Sunday School, and Sacrament meeting I think more of my attention was on the door to the room waiting for Jake to stroll in and take his place by my side than it was on the front of the class. I sat next to an empty, saved seat for three freaking hours. I sent Jake a few texts throughout church asking where he was, but he didn't send anything back until just before church ended. He said, "At church with Claire."

So after church I couldn't be bothered to change out of my church clothes so I just took off my tie and napped on the couch waiting for my best friend to get home. I woke up two hours later and there were a bunch of random girls at our house. I talked to some of them for a little while, but it wasn't the same without my wingman. I called Jake every 15 minutes. The first few times it rang until I got his voicemail, but then I started going straight to voicemail. That meant either Jake had turned his phone off or he had his finger on the "decline" button and just pushed it every time I called.

I knew I was being irritating, but it pissed me off so bad that he was doing something with his other friend and didn't invite me. For all he knew, I was all by myself at home watching Sandra Lee's Money Saving Meals or something... lonely... all alone and lonely... by myself.

I half-heartedly talked and flirted as best I could without Jake... but it wasn't sincere and I think the girls knew it. It was like I had BO or something. Everyone knew something was wrong with me, but they couldn't put their finger on it.

To make matters worse, at about 10 o'clock... pretty much the peak of woman attendance, I noticed my bladder was pretty full. I excused myself to go to the bathroom in the middle of one of the games. While I was washing my hands, I realized I still had my church shirt tucked into my church pants. I didn't look very comfortable and relaxed in the mirror so I quickly untucked my shirt and then walked out to finish the game.

It wasn't until about 10 minutes later that I noticed how wrinkled my shirt was down where it had been tucked into my pants. Then it occurred to me that all of the hot girls had heard me say, "I gotta go to the bathroom", they'd seen me enter the bathroom with my shirt tucked in and exit the bathroom with my shirt untucked. It was only natural to assume that I had gone poop. Why else would I untuck my shirt while in the bathroom?

It was too late, though. I had no doubt whatsoever that every single girl was mocking me in their mind because I had decided that my bowel movement was so extremely urgent that I had to go in the middle of our shin-dig of games and laughter. This is the kind of thing that happens when Jake abandons me.

I'd better get married before Jake does or I'm screwed.

Calvin

ps Thanks for the link, awesome commentor.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Haha, this post made me crack up. My best friend is off on a mission right now and it sucks, I feel like I'm walking around with only one shoe on!

Ashley Eliza said...

you'd better find your prince cinderella! jk! did Jake proofread this post?? love you calv. xoxo

Liz said...

HA HA. I appreciate the exageration. And I'm sure people didn't think that much into you using the restroom... ha ha.

Julie said...

I think this sums it up neatly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL4L4Uv5rf0

Julie said...

I think your feelings put to song (even though the words are not your own and sung by someone else) took this post from great to AWESOME.

a chick said...

I totally understand what you mean. When my BFF met her now husband and then got married I was in a total funk. I didn't know what to do or how to do anything (or so it seemed) its now been 4 years and she lives hours away. I still miss her.

Molly said...

I doubt it even crossed the minds of the girls there whether you went number 1 or 2. Girls don't think about other people poop, unless they have children.

Jade said...

Calvin, you just took my awesome day to amazing with that poop comment. That made my day! But I'm sorry that Jake has put you on the back burner, that really sucks. Keep your head up, he'll come around again.

jennifer michelle said...

You're not "overtly gay?"

o·vert [oh-vurt, oh-vurt]
-adjective
1. open to view or knowledge; not concealed or secret

...so you're still "in the closet," then??

Anonymous said...

hahahahahahhahahahahahaa at the haircut

Kari said...

Um, don't even feel bad because I do the exact same thing. I totally have to get married before my best friend or I'll be super pathetic! :) Good luck!

Anonymous said...

sad. my heart sank in a manly way reading this post, then watching the video made it even worse. find a special friend and make him jealous. thats what a girl would do.

Anonymous said...

I love you guys! I totally feel this way about my best girl friends too. It just happens. A think it makes you MORE of a man that you can admit that you have a deep family-like bond with your best friend. And don't worry about Claire. It'll all work out. love you boys!!

miss lucille said...

you are barney stinson, jake is ted mosbey. don't know what i'm talking about? look up "how i met your mother".

Little Debi said...

Haha I like this post. You've definitely always reminded me of JD.
and guy love is my favorite song. :]
Everything comes down to poo is a close second though.

Hailee said...

If you don't want to wait for netflix (unless you have the instant kind) you can watch every episode of scrubs online. I just got hooked and now it's what I do with my days :)

http://scrubs.theofficefree.com/s1/index.html

you're welcome

TheSinglesWard said...

We told you Timmay and his Netflix would pay off.

Calvin, you and Jake just need to find a cute set of twins. Marry them, then you're true bro's.

Anonymous said...

I'm not gonna lie Calvin, you and Jake are totally awesome, but the bit in the first part of this paragraph were you claim your not overtly gay "or anything" and then go on to detail how you spent the rest of your day surrounded by God and hot ladies and all you could do was think about the emptiness of your heart? Lmfao.

kate said...

I've had that episode of scrubs on my dvr for over 2 years. It's magical! So is your love for "Jake" ;)

Kelly said...

I love guy love and scrubs. I think you are overanalyzing what girls will think if you come back with your shirt untucked. People are more worried about what everyone's thinking about them not what you are doing. You should just chill and be yourself more. You're good enough and smart enough Calvin.

alyssa said...

no one should ever marry someone who cuts them off from their friends, or at leas not their best friend. (learned this the hard way.) i'm wary of any relationship that requires i give up someone else who is important to me.

Jayme said...

To solve the whole marriage problem, I'm sure Nancy and Stephanie wouldn't mind marrying you guys. Look at it this way, if you guys did that you and Jake would be able to live together forever, and you'd give those girls the thing they've dreamed about forever, being able to be married and live together for the rest of forever. You would just be one big happy family!

Thanks for the poop comment, it gave me a good laugh, though I'm pretty sure the girls weren't thinking that if they noticed that your shirt was now untucked. But now whenever a guy leaves to go to the bathroom, and he come's back with his shirt untucked, I will think of that, or maybe that he's one of those guys who has to sit down to pee rather than stand up.

Anonymous said...

The fact that you came up with such a specific example of the haircut scenario, to prove that you aren't gay and don't do that...totally makes me think that you do that every time Jake gets a haircut.

Girl101 said...

'I had a pretty crappy day yesterday because of this emotional turmoil that Jake is putting me through'

The thought of Calvin saying this sentence out loud pretty much makes my life.

Jenni said...

Go Claire!!

Little said...

bahaha...this is totally how i would imagine you and Jake...it's perfect :)

Crystal said...

I wouldn't notice if a guy came out of the bathroom with his shirt untucked. But maybe that's just me....don't worry about Claire. Jake will get tired of hoping that she'll see how great he is and start dating him and it'll be over. Patience.