Turk From the Waist Down

I've been watching Scrubs lately. It's been coming to me through Netflix. I was chatting with someone on gchat the other day and we were talking about the awesomeness that is Scrubs. They asked me if I was more like JD or Turk. There is no question in my mind that I'm more like JD. I mean, the two doctors are best friends and both exhibit a lot of homosexual tendencies, but most of the time Turk seems to only be tolerating JD's behavior. Not really an active participant. That's kind of like me and Jake. Most of the time I'm the one exhibiting those types of behaviors and Jake just sits back and loves me for who I am.

I'm not overtly gay or anything. If Jake gets a haircut, I don't walk up to him when he gets home, stand on my tiptoes, place my left hand on his chest and run my right hand through the hair on the side of his head and softly say, "You got a hair cut, Jakey" then lean into his ear and whisper, "I like it." That's not the kind of gay I'm talking about. I doubt Jake would tolerate that sort of thing. I just tend to be a little more physically affectionate with my guy friends. Not overly so, though. In fact, I think I'm more "average" in that arena while Jake chooses to not fully engage in the typical physical behavior that the rest of us do.

But I digress. I've mentioned in several previous posts that I get jealous of other people Jake chooses to spend time with. I don't mind sharing my best friend with other people as long as I get to be there... hanging out with them, as well.

Claire doesn't let me do that. It's bugged me for quite some time and I've mentioned it to Jake several times, but he doesn't care. It scares the crap out of me, too. It's forcing me to realize that someday we're going to get married (most likely not to each other) and then there will be another person who will be pulling us away from each other. No other girl has done this to Jake before. Not even Andrea. At least I didn't notice it if she did. But Claire is actually competition to me. Now that I think about it, Andrea was a girl who Jake would spend time with, but they'd also make out a lot.

Claire, on the other hand, isn't putting out for Jake. Maybe... just maybe... in the back of my mind I realize that since Claire isn't getting horizontal with my best friend must mean that she must also be his friend. An equal. A female version of myself. A version that Jake prefers to spend time with instead of me.

I had a pretty crappy day yesterday because of this emotional turmoil that Jake is putting me through. Aaron, Lance, Gabe and I left for church yesterday morning and Jake said he was going to meet us there. But he didn't. All through Priesthood, Sunday School, and Sacrament meeting I think more of my attention was on the door to the room waiting for Jake to stroll in and take his place by my side than it was on the front of the class. I sat next to an empty, saved seat for three freaking hours. I sent Jake a few texts throughout church asking where he was, but he didn't send anything back until just before church ended. He said, "At church with Claire."

So after church I couldn't be bothered to change out of my church clothes so I just took off my tie and napped on the couch waiting for my best friend to get home. I woke up two hours later and there were a bunch of random girls at our house. I talked to some of them for a little while, but it wasn't the same without my wingman. I called Jake every 15 minutes. The first few times it rang until I got his voicemail, but then I started going straight to voicemail. That meant either Jake had turned his phone off or he had his finger on the "decline" button and just pushed it every time I called.

I knew I was being irritating, but it pissed me off so bad that he was doing something with his other friend and didn't invite me. For all he knew, I was all by myself at home watching Sandra Lee's Money Saving Meals or something... lonely... all alone and lonely... by myself.

I half-heartedly talked and flirted as best I could without Jake... but it wasn't sincere and I think the girls knew it. It was like I had BO or something. Everyone knew something was wrong with me, but they couldn't put their finger on it.

To make matters worse, at about 10 o'clock... pretty much the peak of woman attendance, I noticed my bladder was pretty full. I excused myself to go to the bathroom in the middle of one of the games. While I was washing my hands, I realized I still had my church shirt tucked into my church pants. I didn't look very comfortable and relaxed in the mirror so I quickly untucked my shirt and then walked out to finish the game.

It wasn't until about 10 minutes later that I noticed how wrinkled my shirt was down where it had been tucked into my pants. Then it occurred to me that all of the hot girls had heard me say, "I gotta go to the bathroom", they'd seen me enter the bathroom with my shirt tucked in and exit the bathroom with my shirt untucked. It was only natural to assume that I had gone poop. Why else would I untuck my shirt while in the bathroom?

It was too late, though. I had no doubt whatsoever that every single girl was mocking me in their mind because I had decided that my bowel movement was so extremely urgent that I had to go in the middle of our shin-dig of games and laughter. This is the kind of thing that happens when Jake abandons me.

I'd better get married before Jake does or I'm screwed.

Calvin

ps Thanks for the link, awesome commentor.