Monday, June 7, 2010

Smooth

Whenever I'm in a relationship for longer than a month, I get bored. I've talked about this before, I realize, but I discovered the other day that not all guys are like me. Aaron for example. That guy is a serious womanizer, but his talent is wasted because he's always in some sort of pseudo relationship. It's like he refuses to end one relationship until he has another girl on stand-by. It's sad, really.

I don't really try to get into relationships. I usually just kind of fall into them on accident. I think my problem is that I'm horrible at dating more than one girl at a time. Horrible. I'm a pitiful liar and dating more than one girl at a time involves at least some sort of lying, be it white lie, bald-faced, or lies of omission. I'm so bad at it that I usually end up screwing up other people's relationships by saying something contradictory about their lie while the person they lied to is in the room.

Example:

Aaron is cuddling on the couch with Anna (yes... the hot Anna) watching Mama Mia. I walk through to get to the laundry room, glance at the TV and say, "You're watching this again? Geez, it wasn't that good." I hear Anna say to Aaron, "You said you hadn't seen this before." I cringe as I put my clothes into the dryer. Oops. Aaron had watched it two days earlier with the girl he'd been dating, Tiffany. I hear Aaron say, "Well, it was on, but I fell asleep about 10 minutes into it." I start the dryer and start walking up the stairs. The last thing I hear is Anna, "Was it just a bunch of guys watching?" It sounded like there was going to be a lot more lying.

Of course he lied about seeing the movie. I'm sure Anna suggested it and Aaron claimed he hadn't seen it cause he knew odds were better of scoring while watching a movie like that instead of Avatar.

What I hate the most is the look I get from Aaron immediately after I've just dug a gargantuan pit and pushed him in. Like last night. We had a few people over to play some games. Aaron's "girlfriend" Tiffany decided to show up. I lose one of the games and Aaron says something about owing him $10. I reply with, "I guess we're even then since I put $10 in gas in your car last night before our date." I got the "look" from Aaron. He was out with Anna Saturday night instead of Tiffany.

The "look" is kind of a... furrowed brow... coupled with eyes the size of Dixie dinner plates with a single olive super-glued to the center of each plate. I'll try to get a picture of it next time I say something stupid. Luckily, the scowl had to be brief cause Tiffany looked at him with one of those accusatory questioning looks. Aaron didn't want to get caught giving me that look cause it just screams "guilty". Aaron looked at Tiffany, smiled and said, "So, by the look on your face, can I assume that you think Calvin and I had girls there on our man-date?" Tiffany looked back at me. I smiled and said, "Aaron doesn't put out for me as much as he does for Jake." Aaron and I chuckled nervously and I went to the kitchen to grab another soda.

I avoided Aaron and Tiffany for the rest of the night cause I didn't want to be interrogated by Tiffany. She's freakin' crazy.

My plan was to talk to Aaron about it this morning, but he had already left by the time I woke up. So I sent him a text that said, "Sorry about last night. Did she buy it?" I got a reply that said, "Aaron left his phone in my car. Did who buy what?" I have no idea if he left his phone with Tiffany or Anna. Either way, I shut my phone off and don't plan on turning it back on until tomorrow.

Calvin

number of times I say "look", "looks" or "looking" in this post = 232

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

i think it's hilarious! not your fault that he's lying..

Candace said...

Oh no- Calvin!! haha I can't wait to see who had his phone. What a liar-face. Yeah, I just said it. Liar-Face.

Jade said...

Busted..... oops

Anonymous said...

Awesome!

Anonymous said...

It amazes me that you all call yourself "mormon." Some day you'll look back on how much you disrespect women and regret it. Even worse, you'll have to watch your daughter be womanized by jerks like you in 20 years. :)

Tay said...

Ridiculous.

However, she's ridiculous if she's reading somebody else's text messages. I'm gonna vote that it's Tiffany since she seems crazy.

Kira's Life, In a Nut. said...

Who looks at someone elses phone? I mean SERIOUSLY!

Anonymous said...

Not trying to be rude, but isn't it bold-faced lie? Not "bald-faced". I'm not sure if I've been saying it wrong. That bothered me while reading the whole post. But yeah, I think Aaron will get caught either way, whether you get him caught or not.

Amy said...

Bwahahaha! Yeah, I agree HE is the one doing the lying! Serves him right.

(still laughing)

Also, sounds like someone is a leetle jealous Aaron got one of the hot girls. again. Not sure if you're doing it on purpose or accident. Do you even know?

Mormon Man said...

I actually really like your quick thinking. Some of those responses were spot on. You're gaming those girls pretty well.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Anonymous 11:07

You've been saying it wrong.

-c

Nicole said...

calvin, you remind me of the kid in that one book "diary of a wimpy kid" have you ever read it? it's about this selfish, wimpy loser :)

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

Sure, Aaron is wrong for lying, but I like how by acting this way Calvin puts himself on par with those "cock-blocking 'Bros'" he complained about so much in his last post.

Lauramc said...

You make me laugh.

So much so, that I mentioned you in my blog today.
ha!

TheSinglesWard said...

We used to have a roommate with a 30 day rule. If a girl could last 30 days and 30 evenings and he was still head over heels for her, he would start progressing towards marriage with her. If not, he would break up with them. He had a ton of girls try, and most were mystified and heart broken when he broke up with them. Only two succeeded. One shattered his heart in a million itty-bitty pieces, the other he married.

Don't worry about Aaron, it's not like he's going to marry one of these broads anyway. The sooner he breaks up with the both of them, the sooner he can rub noses with two new girls. We're not saying we like it, but that's just the player way.

Confessions from a Mormon Maxi-Pad said...

Maybe you have bored her line personality disorder. People who have abandonment and intimacy issues often do. It is treatable. You can learn how to love more fully. Or just enjoy the make-out variety, nothing wrong with that!

lake said...

nice article

Autumn said...

Haha. Nice. He may be the liar, but you two are quick on your feet. You know what that tells me? You both lie... A LOT.

Nikki said...

All men lie, it's nothing new. Yes ALL MEN even your stake President. Maybe not the prophet, but he has at some point in life lied about something. You notice how Eve partook of the forbidden fruit and confessed straight up right away...Adam would have lied for millions of years before he fessed up. True dat!

Anonymous said...

That's not hard to play off.

"I got mad a Calvin last night because he made fun of my sister for wanting to buy that vampire twilight series. He was just apologizing."

Though really, you should let Anna know she's being played in an "accidental" way. Then you're the one nearest to be her shoulder to cry on and you can show the world that you do have the ability to be a gentleman towards women.

Datin'Kait said...

Mama Mia? Seriously? Even as a girl that movie sickened me.

Verity Kae said...

This is so hilarious!! I can't wait till you post about being interrogated! It's coming Calvin!

Anonymous said...

so what you're saying, is that being a womanizer and a good liar is a talent and something you were better at so you could be in more relationships?

i've got news for you...

you're a freaking idiot!

Elizabeth Downie said...

This makes me laugh. I hope that doesn't mean I'm a bad person.

Amy said...

Is his for real??
I mean, as much as I like your blog,
you guys are a bunch of wipes.

blunt delivery said...

i've never dated someone who could hold my attention either.

maybe WE're the ones with the problem?

nah.

Anonymous said...

Your whole story sounds quite fictional if you ask me...but one who writes about lying, most likely is lying about experiences and events to try to entertain the reader. This website is lame.

Mike said...

I ran across this blog while (admittedly) Facebook stalking this girl. I have to say that I'm simultaneously proud and ashamed to say that this blog is EXACTLY right. This is really what's going through guys' heads.