Monday, June 21, 2010

The History of Jake 2 of 6

After reading the title of this post you might think back to the first “History of Jake” post and decide there is no way that you are going to read another really really really really long post. This will not be the case here. If you don’t believe me take a moment to scroll down. See… it’s not that long.

So as I mentioned in that post, I have constantly been at arms with authority. I have struggled my whole life to do what is right. I know that everyone does things like this and struggles, but it seems like my list goes a little further than most. Again, when I say that the only reason I am not in prison right now is because of my belief in Jesus Christ and my attempts to be obedient to him, it is not an exaggeration.

• BULLY: You already know about the bully thing.

• DESTROY: As a child I was a terrible little kid. Prior to high school I did a lot of damage. I cannot even count the number of times I egged someone’s house or car. Or gathered up rotten apples and did the same thing. Some nights we would stand in bushes and as people walked by actually throw rotten apples at them. Throwing rocks through windows, mailbox bashing, and tire slashing were things I instigated often. It all came to a head when I was 14. There was the school district bus yard right behind my house. Along it ran some train tracks. What are train tracks surrounded with? Rocks. I convinced my brother and his friend who was sleeping over one night to go to the tracks and break as many windows in the buses as we could. We broke a lot of windows. Probably 100. We had been there for nearly half an hour when I notice the police that had silently surrounded us. They turned on the spot lights, I yelled "RUN!" and remember being tackled by a policeman. It was three in the morning when my parents got the call that we had been arrested and taken to the police station. I was later sentenced to community service which took an entire year to complete. Needless to say I was grounded for the entirety of 2002.

• LIE: I have in the past been an epic liar. Going above and beyond that of a regular liar. For example: Once I started a new job at a movie theater, there were several cute girls that worked there. I wanted them to like me, so I concocted a huge tragic story to aid in bonding. I told them that while at my Junior prom when I was 16, that it was raining heavily and there was a terrible car accident. That my date died. I would purposely give little bits of the story here and there so that those I told it too would feel as though they had to share some private story from their lives with me so that I would open up. The story was extremely detailed and involved several hundred lies. It even culminated with a tearful confession from me that usually lead to a hug and if I was lucky some impromptu make-outs up in the projector hallway. When I decided quite suddenly to go on a mission (which I wasn’t planning on doing at 18 and will tell you more about in a later history post) I confessed to each and every person about this lie. It was really hard. A lot of the friendships and romances I had in my teenage years where built upon the foundation of sharing this (if it were true) very traumatic and private experience. One which when shared these girls would share with me their most private and traumatic experiences. When I confessed to them that it was all a lie… that instead of going to my Junior prom I actually went to see a movie, by myself, they were hurt and angry. I lost many of my friends just before my mission. This is just one example of many lies I have told that I have confessed.

• STEAL: When I was a child around seven, I stole my Grandmothers camera from off the top of her fridge. I took the remaining pictures on the roll, and then when I tried to open the camera to get the pictures out I learned that you have to develop them first, but in learning this I ruined the roll by exposing it to light. I got caught, and this coupled with other experiences led my parents to send me to counseling for “kleptomania” I was young and don’t remember anything about it except that I kind of had a crush on my therapist. The therapy didn’t work because I grew up only maximizing my ability to steal. I had several jobs in high school, and quickly learned how to take from my employers without getting caught. I stole a lot of money. A lot. I think the actual term is embezzlement. What was really odd about this is that I would keep track of all of the money that I took, with the intention of someday paying it back. That was my justification. When I finally confessed this sin I had racked up a total of nearly $20,000 that I had recorded stealing over my illustrious 3-year working career. In order to go on my mission my parents helped me to get a loan and pay back all five of the places I had stolen from. My mission was delayed about six months as I had to convince each one to provide a letter saying they would not pursue criminal charges.

• ASSORTED WICKEDNESS: There are other things not quite appropriate for the blog, or that I will save for a later history post, but the above isn’t everything. It’s just enough to give you a glimpse.

Claire and I talk a lot. So much so that it makes Calvin jealous. I have touched on many of these topics with her before. Last night, however, we had it out and I fully confessed each and every thing I ever did. She did the same but her worst things were lying to her mom about seeing an R rated movie and ditching school. I finished talking and Claire did her thing about listening and making me just feel comfortable. We finished talking last night at 4:30 in the morning. I have never felt comfortable telling a girl all of the things I told Claire.

For being seeming self righteous on the surface, Claire was incredibly complimentary and understanding. Even with Andrea and Sanders I never would have been able to open up like this. When I was driving home I felt really good about our serious heart-to-heart. I know that on our blog Calvin and I display plenty of gay tendencies so you may take this the wrong way, but the things I told Claire, I have only told Calvin. I decided that that is pretty special and that if I am going to be with someone I should be able to tell them all the things I tell Calvin.

I have decided I am going to make my move on Claire. I’m not sure when... probably this weekend. It’s going to take some courage, but I just feel like this might be a bit of a sign as to what I should do. It puts Claire out ahead of Andrea by quite a bit.


Friday, June 18, 2010

Greatest Giveaway Ever!

Jake and I have been talking lately about how awesome it would be to have another Giveaway, except this time we could giveaway an X-box or PS3 or an iPhone 4G or something. Even though we'd love to give away stuff like that, we also realize that we only have five or ten male readers.

I mean, it's possible that some of our girl readers are cute enough to have boyfriends who could benefit from a sweet X-box Giveaway, but it really would just be mean to give a girl an X-box. You're probably asking, "Why would it be mean, Calvin?" Well, because then a bunch of guys would end up using you for your X-box. I don't want to get into the whole "self-esteem" complications that could arise from guys taking advantage of your gaming system, but it's bound to happen.

So we decided the best Giveaway we could do would be to giveaway something that will make you hotter. That's right. We think that girls could always be just a little bit more attractive. And who wouldn't want to be more attractive to members of the opposite sex? (Don't answer that if you're gay or lesbian.)

We did a Shabby Apple dress Giveaway a while back and it seemed to go over pretty well. Except for the fact that the winner didn't like the dress and ended up returning it for the cash, we considered it a success.

It's time for another MBP giveaway. That's right. We have something else to giveaway that will make it easier for guys to look at you for a longer period of time. Have you ever wished your hair was longer? Have you ever got a haircut that ended up being too short and you thought it would be easier to just kill yourself than wait for your hair to grow out? Well drain the hot bath and put the razor blades away. We're giving away HAIR EXTENSIONS!

You would pay anywhere from $800-$1000 for this in a salon. But because we're so awesome, we're giving it away for free (though you should probably still leave April an awesome tip).

The next couple of sentences mean absolutely nothing to me, but I'm going to type them anyway. The hair extensions are done with the Euro Locs method. 100% Remy Human Hair (not from homeless people or carcasses). No glue, heat, sewing, braiding or chemicals during the application or touch-up. And the work is guaranteed.

Let me just say that if I was a a girl or gay or named Aaron, I would LOVE to win this giveaway. But I'm non of those things (arguably) so I won't be entering.

How To Enter:

1. Leave a comment on this post telling us that you want to enter the giveaway.

2. If you want to be entered again, follow April on twitter. Her name is @urhairsucks. She tweets different discounts and deals on hair styles on a regular basis. You won't regret it.

3. If you want to be entered AGAIN then follow us. Yup, you read that right. Follow our blog so Jake and I can high-five after every new follower embarrasses themselves by officially following our blog.

4. And finally, if you want a fourth entry, just mention our blog and bitchin' Giveaway on Facebook or Twitter.

Remember that you need to leave a separate comment for each entry.

You have until 11:59 on June 25th to enter.

If you live outside of Utah, you can still enter the giveaway. If you win you have a couple of options. The winner has six months to "cash in" the prize. If you'll be in Utah anytime in the next six months, you can collect it yourself. If you know someone in Utah, you can give it to them. Awesome, right? Totally awesome. If you don't have any friends anywhere and you're selfish and want the prize all to yourself, you could also just wait until airfare to Utah is cheap. It might be worth it to you to spend a couple hundred bucks to fly to Utah to get a $1000 worth of horizontal hair action.

Or have your parents pay for your flight. Sample conversation:

You: Mom, I was thinking about how great it would be to satiate my soul by actually attending General Conference this year, but I can't afford to fly to Utah. (sigh) I guess I'll just keep praying for a miracle.

Your Mom: I'm so proud of your mature desire to see the Prophet in person. I'd love to help build your testimony and strengthen your spirit by paying for you to fly to Utah in October.

When you get home your mom will think you were so spiritually edified that it caused your hair to grow eight inches.

Good luck!


Contact April Dolato
623 E. Fort Union (North side between Golden Corral and the fire station)
Sandy, Utah

MBP Readers get 10% off all cut, color, perms (if people still do that anymore) and extensions. Pretty much everything. Except waxing. April doesn't do waxing.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

World Cup and Stuff

It's no secret I love soccer. Seen my avatar? (look left). So I get excited to watch the World Cup, as excited as the next guy. Well the next soccer-loving guy. Calvin couldn't care less really. When I tried to explain to him how France qualified for the World Cup and Ireland didn't because France scored off of a "handball" Calvin asked, "Okay, and what's wrong with that?" How he could have served his mission in a country like Ireland and not understand its simple rules might seem baffling to you, but that's Calvin. If it doesn't interest him, it doesn't exist.

So anyway, I love the World Cup, of course. It makes watching Sports Center a little bit more worth it. It has great commercials, everything is so epic, like the world revolves around the sun only because soccer exists or something. Plus it provides some good soccer. I hate the guys who tweet throughout each entire game, and write stuff like "Goooooaaaaaaaaallllllll!!!!" Geez that's annoying. Also, if I wasn't already watching the game and I was interested enough to get a tweet every freaking time someone scored or got a yellow card I would be following the game online or something rather that waiting for your stupid tweet mimicking some South American game announcer.

Having said all that, I am not the type of guy to watch every single World Cup game. I love soccer and all but, a game (between French cheater-faces and I-can't-even-remember-I-was-so-bored) that ends in a 0-0 tie makes me wish I could only watch the 3 minute highlight reel.

So, Claire invited me to this World Cup party last Saturday, which started at 5am! That's 30 minutes earlier than I wake up for work. The thought of getting up that early on a Saturday makes my head hurt. But... it was Claire, and I like to perpetuate myself as someone who's always down to party. Besides I really did want to watch the USA vs England game. Claires World Cup party boasted an HD projector. Calvin has a nice 32 inch LCD that he bought when we moved into this house which is a little on the small side especially for watching soccer.

So Claire picks me up and we head over to this guys house. There were about 7 people there at 5:30. Four guys, me, Claire and one other girl. I invited my roommates, but they didn't have a crush on Claire fogging their judgment to make them think waking up so friggin' early on a Saturday morning was a good idea.

This dude has a killer theater room in his place (or rather his parents place). They even have those light ropes in the floor lining the walkways. Claire and I ended up in the front on one of the love sacs. There was an early goal which we all got to cheer for, and then Claire fell asleep next to me.

I fell asleep. I think everyone did, except for one guy. (The crazy tweeter-watch-every-game-and-brag-about-it-doucher I was referring to earlier.) The love sac helped me and Claire to get really close as we both sunk into the middle. I love Luv Sac's. We slept all morning even through to the next World Cup game that started at 8am.

It was awesome, I would wake up periodically. Claire got more and more comfortable and nuzzled my neck. Her hair smelled awesome. It was actually the most physical Claire and I had ever gotten. I was loving it, of course, and it was all very innocent... as physical contact goes.

More people started showing up, their chatter and salutations woke me up for good. I watched the end of the Argentina/Nigeria game. It was pretty blah. Basically we were watching Messi running circle around people and trying to score, never delivering. I found myself thinking more about my Claire/Andrea situation. I set the alarm in my phone for a month from Andrea's wedding cancellation last week to call her. My mind was spinning I will attempt the best I can to recreate in written format my thought process as I lay there.

- Hopefully Andrea wants to try to make it work again for the two of us - I do - But what if she does and I am two weeks into a relationship with Claire? - I could date them both - No, I don't think I could - Argentina should really be doing better than this - Claire looks really cute in jammys - If no one else were in the room I think I'd try to kiss her - I haven't even told her how I feel yet - I think she'd deny my kiss attempt - good thing there are people here - where are those pretzels? - I don't want to just be Claires rebound - I don't believe in rebounds - That incessant buzzing noise is driving me crazy - Really, Claire and Andrea are both coming out of something - Do I really want to deal with that? - I think I could deal with it - The USA game doesn't start for 2 more hours? - I don't think I can sleep - I hope Claire doesn't want to sleep that whole time - Andrea is prettier than Claire - Claire is more grown up even though they're the same age - Andrea worries more than Claire - Claire is a little more superficial and judgmental - Being Claire's rebound would be good if Andrea did decide she wants me - unless after spending a month with Claire I suddenly have stronger feelings for her than Andrea - I need to fart - Claire won't notice if she's sleeping -


- Good one (sigh) I don't think that'll stink - so who would I pick, Andrea or Claire? - If I knew for certain I could have either one? - Would having kissed Claire influence that choice? - Maybe I should make sure I kiss Claire before I call Andrea - Andrea is a good kisser - I remember how fun it was to kiss her - kissing her - kissing her - kissing her - Uh oh, I'd better re-adjust, don't want Claire feeling my excitement - Maybe I do? - No, not like this - I really wish Nigeria would score - I hope the US wins today too - I don't think they will - I think England will beat them 2 to 1 - Oh yeah, I was going to re-adjust - Actually I don't have to now -

Guy behind me says, "Holy frick, who farted? That was a good one, that you Jake?" I replied, "Nope I think I'm too close to the ground, I don't smell it." They laughed.

- I guess it smells worse than I thought - Claire is stirring - I really want to kiss Claire - she looks like she'd be a great kisser - I love how her lips stick together for a split second before she talks -

I watch her lips stick together for a split second before she says, "It smells like boy butt in here." Then she buries her face further into my neck.

I'm not going to confess or deny the fart - she'll be asleep in a flash anyway - yep, she's asleep again - Where are those pretzels? - I just had them? - 2 minutes left in this game - maybe I should ask Claire what she wants to do before the USA game - maybe suggest a walk to Jamba Juice - oh wait maybe it's raining - is it raining still? - I haven't been near a window for almost 4 hours - Where are those pretzels? - Maybe someone else has them - no - I don't see them anywhere - I bet Andrea is watching this game somewhere too - she used to come watch my soccer games - Claire probably wouldn't ever come watch a game - what if my sons play soccer I want my wife to go their games - comparing them isn't really fair - Andrea was a relationship I screwed up - Claire is a relationship I haven't really started yet - I would pick Andrea - of course I would, we have more history - the game is over - only one point from the mighty Argentina? -

I say, "Only one point from the mighty Argentina."

Claire wakes up and says, "I'm hungry, you want to go to Jamba Juice or something?"

Hmm, that's weird - Screw the pretzels -


Monday, June 14, 2010

Turk From the Waist Down

I've been watching Scrubs lately. It's been coming to me through Netflix. I was chatting with someone on gchat the other day and we were talking about the awesomeness that is Scrubs. They asked me if I was more like JD or Turk. There is no question in my mind that I'm more like JD. I mean, the two doctors are best friends and both exhibit a lot of homosexual tendencies, but most of the time Turk seems to only be tolerating JD's behavior. Not really an active participant. That's kind of like me and Jake. Most of the time I'm the one exhibiting those types of behaviors and Jake just sits back and loves me for who I am.

I'm not overtly gay or anything. If Jake gets a haircut, I don't walk up to him when he gets home, stand on my tiptoes, place my left hand on his chest and run my right hand through the hair on the side of his head and softly say, "You got a hair cut, Jakey" then lean into his ear and whisper, "I like it." That's not the kind of gay I'm talking about. I doubt Jake would tolerate that sort of thing. I just tend to be a little more physically affectionate with my guy friends. Not overly so, though. In fact, I think I'm more "average" in that arena while Jake chooses to not fully engage in the typical physical behavior that the rest of us do.

But I digress. I've mentioned in several previous posts that I get jealous of other people Jake chooses to spend time with. I don't mind sharing my best friend with other people as long as I get to be there... hanging out with them, as well.

Claire doesn't let me do that. It's bugged me for quite some time and I've mentioned it to Jake several times, but he doesn't care. It scares the crap out of me, too. It's forcing me to realize that someday we're going to get married (most likely not to each other) and then there will be another person who will be pulling us away from each other. No other girl has done this to Jake before. Not even Andrea. At least I didn't notice it if she did. But Claire is actually competition to me. Now that I think about it, Andrea was a girl who Jake would spend time with, but they'd also make out a lot.

Claire, on the other hand, isn't putting out for Jake. Maybe... just maybe... in the back of my mind I realize that since Claire isn't getting horizontal with my best friend must mean that she must also be his friend. An equal. A female version of myself. A version that Jake prefers to spend time with instead of me.

I had a pretty crappy day yesterday because of this emotional turmoil that Jake is putting me through. Aaron, Lance, Gabe and I left for church yesterday morning and Jake said he was going to meet us there. But he didn't. All through Priesthood, Sunday School, and Sacrament meeting I think more of my attention was on the door to the room waiting for Jake to stroll in and take his place by my side than it was on the front of the class. I sat next to an empty, saved seat for three freaking hours. I sent Jake a few texts throughout church asking where he was, but he didn't send anything back until just before church ended. He said, "At church with Claire."

So after church I couldn't be bothered to change out of my church clothes so I just took off my tie and napped on the couch waiting for my best friend to get home. I woke up two hours later and there were a bunch of random girls at our house. I talked to some of them for a little while, but it wasn't the same without my wingman. I called Jake every 15 minutes. The first few times it rang until I got his voicemail, but then I started going straight to voicemail. That meant either Jake had turned his phone off or he had his finger on the "decline" button and just pushed it every time I called.

I knew I was being irritating, but it pissed me off so bad that he was doing something with his other friend and didn't invite me. For all he knew, I was all by myself at home watching Sandra Lee's Money Saving Meals or something... lonely... all alone and lonely... by myself.

I half-heartedly talked and flirted as best I could without Jake... but it wasn't sincere and I think the girls knew it. It was like I had BO or something. Everyone knew something was wrong with me, but they couldn't put their finger on it.

To make matters worse, at about 10 o'clock... pretty much the peak of woman attendance, I noticed my bladder was pretty full. I excused myself to go to the bathroom in the middle of one of the games. While I was washing my hands, I realized I still had my church shirt tucked into my church pants. I didn't look very comfortable and relaxed in the mirror so I quickly untucked my shirt and then walked out to finish the game.

It wasn't until about 10 minutes later that I noticed how wrinkled my shirt was down where it had been tucked into my pants. Then it occurred to me that all of the hot girls had heard me say, "I gotta go to the bathroom", they'd seen me enter the bathroom with my shirt tucked in and exit the bathroom with my shirt untucked. It was only natural to assume that I had gone poop. Why else would I untuck my shirt while in the bathroom?

It was too late, though. I had no doubt whatsoever that every single girl was mocking me in their mind because I had decided that my bowel movement was so extremely urgent that I had to go in the middle of our shin-dig of games and laughter. This is the kind of thing that happens when Jake abandons me.

I'd better get married before Jake does or I'm screwed.


ps Thanks for the link, awesome commentor.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Federal Offense

When I was a kid, one summer while I lived in Seattle my family came to visit here in Utah. I was young, like 10 or 11. My cousin Sam and I always seemed to find ways to get into trouble. One sunny day we decided the most fun we could possibly have at the moment was to walk down the street and open complete strangers mailboxes, grabbing the mail inside and throwing it out into the street. It was loads of fun, but we weren't at all concerned with discretion and got caught.

A policeman asked us to take him back to my aunts house. I remember sitting there as he explained to my aunt and mother that we had committed a federal offense. They made sure to tell us how much worse that was than a regular offense. My cousin and I thought it was so cool, though! I remember telling our younger cousins later on in that trip that we were on the FBI's list.

I grew up with this feeling that mail was something to be revered... after all, tampering with it was a federal offense.

We have so many roommates now that our mail can get a little bit retarded... what with Tim's Netflix, Calvins Columbia House membership, and Aaron getting talked into subscribing to 15 magazines, it can get cluttered... fast.

To combat this, I concocted a genius mail system... (okay, genius might be stretching) I glued those clear file folders to a part of the living room wall by our computer. One slot for each roommate. Then I took a label maker and painstakingly added each roommates name to a specific slot. That way when the mail arrived it could easily be sorted and we could look at it at our leisure.

This had worked so well, I have taken for granted that each piece of mail in my slot is mine. So I don't look at who each letter is addressed to. Today I came home and went through some of my mail. I noticed a letter from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I opened it thinking that it must have just been home teaching assignments or something.

Then I started reading it. It was a letter from the Bishopric informing me that after much reflection that it had been decided that I was disfellowshipped! I panicked briefly... did they change the rules so that drinking Mountain Dew and kissing a girl on the lips was a violation one would be disfellowshipped for? Because that was the extent of my unrighteousness as of late.

I looked over the letter when I noticed it was actually addressed to Lance! Somehow this letter made it into my mail pile. I thought about telling him... but he might feel pretty violated and I couldn't be sure he would believe it had been an accident. I thought about trying to reseal it, but I tore it open at the end of the letter, ignoring the flap... so that would be impossible.

So I threw it away. Not learning anything from my childhood I tossed out Lances disfellowship notice thereby committing a federal offense. When I saw him, I kind of fished to see if he would just tell me about it. He wasn't giving up any info though. He has been consistently going to Church, so hopefully this was or will be relayed verbally to him.

I wonder what he did. I am determined to get to the bottom of it, even though I shouldn't. It's really none of my business... but I can't help it.


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Big Talker Betty Crocker

Jake works around a lot of girls. He decided a while ago that he was going to try his best to not date people in our ward or people he works with. He claims that dating people in those two environments ends up putting too much pressure on their casual interactions. Lately, it seems like he just uses that as an excuse to not date somebody. It has ended up working out pretty well for the rest of the roommates, though. Whenever we plan an activity (that sounded so gay) we always remind all of our roommates to invite every girl that they know, even if they're ugly. I've explained this before, but I'll remind you just in case you're too lazy to have gone back to the beginning of our blog and read each and every post and committed seemingly meaningless details to memory. The philosophy behind inviting every girl we know to our parties is two-fold. The first fold is because it's always better to have too many girls than too few. Sometimes girls bring guys without telling us beforehand, so we do our best to manipulate the guy/girl ratio to make it the most advantageous for us. The second fold is because of the personality range that exists in our house. We all have different preferred "types", so just because your co-worker is 6' 5' doesn't mean you shouldn't invite her over. Worst case scenario... she's still a woman. That fact alone helps the party ratio.

Jake has a co-worker named Becky who he claims has had a pretty big crush on him. He's always claimed that she's pretty cute, but that he won't date her cause if it doesn't work out, he'll be uncomfortable working with her. I've always just assumed that the "hot girl" he claims "wants him" is really a hideous Yeti who probably thinks she's out of Jake's league.

Jake was bragging that he would be supplying the most amount of girls for our upcoming party. Lance laughed in his face, as usual, and said he would not only bring the most chicks, but he'd also bring the hottest chicks. Lance is the biggest talker I've ever met. The best way to understand Lance is to listen to what he says, but only believe 1/10th of whatever comes out of his mouth.

Jake had been texting Becky for about an hour giving her directions to our house. When she finally got there she pulled up in some huge jacked-up truck. All the guys in the house were drooling all over the truck... but I'm a vehicular retard so it didn't do much for me. Becky opened her door and stood up on the seat so she was looking over the top of the truck. "Is this the right place?" She was pretty hot... at least from the porch. She had dark hair and was really tan. Like, really tan. The hot kinda tan. She was wearing sunglasses and one of those shirts that is barely even a shirt. It was one of those skimpy tops that tied around her neck and draped loosely over her breasts. Her tan arms were exposed all the way to her collar bones and her "shirt" tied behind her back leaving most of her tanned back completely bare. Short shorts and tan legs. Sneakers with no socks. Ahem.

She yelled, "I forgot to stop at the store. Can you come with me, Jake? You can drive." Every person with an Adams Apple looked at Jake, waiting for him to sprint to her truck. Jake said, "I'm actually in the process of guiding in a few more cars. I should stay here." Becky said, "Does anyone else wanna drive?" Two other guys volunteered... and so did Aaron. They all piled in the truck and drove away.

I highly doubt that a girl of that... um... attractiveness... really dug on Jake. I had to keep telling myself that she only asked him to accompany her to the store because she didn't know anyone else. When I told Jake this, he said, "What do you mean? She knows you." I said, "I've never met her before. I only know what you've told me about her." Jake said, "That's Becky. The receptionist. She's the one who answers the phone whenever you call me at work." Apparently Becky has told Jake a few times that she thinks I'm hilarious.

I asked Jake if he'd mind if I attempted to "woo" her. He claimed to have no objections since he works with her and doesn't want to risk their friendship and work environment by dating her. I thought it best to bide my time. I honestly have no idea if I even have a chance, but if she's attracted to Jake, she's gotta see something in me. Hopefully. I let her do her thing during the party, but I have a feeling she'll be back. That should give me time to script some additional dialogue.


Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Curiouser and Curiouser

My roommates and I went to Claire's FHE yesterday. Claire and I skipped out and went to Hires Big-H. She of course wanted to know the drama about me and Andrea. I shared with her the whole sordid tale.

I was reminded again how awesome Claire was... how she made me feel like I was the only important thing in her whole world. It almost made me forget about her making me listen to her and Adam swap spit in the back of that pick-up a couple of weeks ago.... almost.

"So what are you going to do?", was Claire's first question after I finished the Andrea story.

I had had the weekend to think about it and make a decision.

I said, "I'm going to wait a month before I call her." Claire said, "A whole month? You said yourself you've wondered if she realized she loved you and not this other guy?" I replied, "Yeah." She said, "If that's true, why wait? Don't you want to know right now?" I told her, "Yeah, I've thought about that a lot, but canceling a wedding is a pretty big deal. The chances it had anything to do with me are a slim, I think. But either way, it seems like she'll need some time to sort stuff out in her head. Don't you think you would need time?" Claire nodded her head and smiled. "You have a talent for putting yourself in other peoples shoes." Andrea actually taught me that, but I didn't tell Claire.

I started to feel a little choked up so I lightly said, "What's new in your love life?" Claire said, "Me and Adam broke up." I rolled my eyes and said, "Again?" She glared a little and said, "It's for real this time." I said, "Tough week to be an Adam..." She smiled.

We shared a milkshake and talked until Hires closed up shop. Claire did a good job of convincing me that she was absolutely done with Adam this time around.

Both these girls, Andrea and Claire, who have had such a profound effect have recently become available... as I thought about that, the line from Alice in Wonderland, "Curiouser and Curiouser."


Monday, June 7, 2010


Whenever I'm in a relationship for longer than a month, I get bored. I've talked about this before, I realize, but I discovered the other day that not all guys are like me. Aaron for example. That guy is a serious womanizer, but his talent is wasted because he's always in some sort of pseudo relationship. It's like he refuses to end one relationship until he has another girl on stand-by. It's sad, really.

I don't really try to get into relationships. I usually just kind of fall into them on accident. I think my problem is that I'm horrible at dating more than one girl at a time. Horrible. I'm a pitiful liar and dating more than one girl at a time involves at least some sort of lying, be it white lie, bald-faced, or lies of omission. I'm so bad at it that I usually end up screwing up other people's relationships by saying something contradictory about their lie while the person they lied to is in the room.


Aaron is cuddling on the couch with Anna (yes... the hot Anna) watching Mama Mia. I walk through to get to the laundry room, glance at the TV and say, "You're watching this again? Geez, it wasn't that good." I hear Anna say to Aaron, "You said you hadn't seen this before." I cringe as I put my clothes into the dryer. Oops. Aaron had watched it two days earlier with the girl he'd been dating, Tiffany. I hear Aaron say, "Well, it was on, but I fell asleep about 10 minutes into it." I start the dryer and start walking up the stairs. The last thing I hear is Anna, "Was it just a bunch of guys watching?" It sounded like there was going to be a lot more lying.

Of course he lied about seeing the movie. I'm sure Anna suggested it and Aaron claimed he hadn't seen it cause he knew odds were better of scoring while watching a movie like that instead of Avatar.

What I hate the most is the look I get from Aaron immediately after I've just dug a gargantuan pit and pushed him in. Like last night. We had a few people over to play some games. Aaron's "girlfriend" Tiffany decided to show up. I lose one of the games and Aaron says something about owing him $10. I reply with, "I guess we're even then since I put $10 in gas in your car last night before our date." I got the "look" from Aaron. He was out with Anna Saturday night instead of Tiffany.

The "look" is kind of a... furrowed brow... coupled with eyes the size of Dixie dinner plates with a single olive super-glued to the center of each plate. I'll try to get a picture of it next time I say something stupid. Luckily, the scowl had to be brief cause Tiffany looked at him with one of those accusatory questioning looks. Aaron didn't want to get caught giving me that look cause it just screams "guilty". Aaron looked at Tiffany, smiled and said, "So, by the look on your face, can I assume that you think Calvin and I had girls there on our man-date?" Tiffany looked back at me. I smiled and said, "Aaron doesn't put out for me as much as he does for Jake." Aaron and I chuckled nervously and I went to the kitchen to grab another soda.

I avoided Aaron and Tiffany for the rest of the night cause I didn't want to be interrogated by Tiffany. She's freakin' crazy.

My plan was to talk to Aaron about it this morning, but he had already left by the time I woke up. So I sent him a text that said, "Sorry about last night. Did she buy it?" I got a reply that said, "Aaron left his phone in my car. Did who buy what?" I have no idea if he left his phone with Tiffany or Anna. Either way, I shut my phone off and don't plan on turning it back on until tomorrow.


number of times I say "look", "looks" or "looking" in this post = 232

Friday, June 4, 2010


Aaron tried to call me three times today. We had gotten into an argument the night previous about which movie was better, Year One or Land of the Lost. Aaron has basically been homo for Will Farrell since Night at the Roxbury, so he couldn't believe I actually thought that Year One was funnier. The argument got a little more heated than it should have and Aaron started to play the whole blasphemy card. Saying stupid things like, "You only like that one better because you haven't felt the spirit since the mission." and "If Year One and Land of the Lost were brothers Year One would be Lucifer."

Both movies were terrible, but if they were the last movies on Earth, and "funny" was the judging factor Year One is, I think, the obvious choice. The other guys heard our back and forth, and because of Aarons stupid, religious argument, pretty much all of them sided with me. Some hurtful things were said and Aaron ended up a little offended and storming off to bed early.

I thought he was calling to apologize or further argue or something so I didn't bother answering. Hasn't the idiot heard of text messages?

I couldn't have been further off base.

Aaron got home and as soon as he saw me said, "Dude." There was a look of concern on his face I hadn't seen since we were mission companions. I was suddenly aware that he had something very serious to tell me. I didn't say anything I just braced myself.

Aaron said: "Carla called me today and said that Andrea called off the wedding."

It took a second for Aaron's words to sink in.

I looked at Calvin and Tim who were in the kitchen with us when Aaron dropped this bomb. It took another couple of seconds for me to rein in the whirlwind in my head enough to say, "What? When?"

Aaron said that Andrea had gone through the Temple today. He said that a few hours afterward she canceled the wedding altogether. I stood by in a mini state of shock, while Calvin and Tim prodded Aaron for whatever details he knew of. Aaron's version was basic. Carla didn't know much about why Andrea canceled the wedding. Carla told Aaron that Andrea's mom told her that Andrea said it just wasn't right...

A very small part of me wonders if her rash decision has anything to do with me. After a little bit of thought I decided that it seemed bigger than that. I think if anything, our conversation a few days ago might have shaken her a little bit... maybe. Perhaps all my talk of eternal love had her second guessing herself.

Maybe the fireman did something dastardly. Maybe she had some revelation in the Temple. Maybe she lost her testimony and would be leaving the Church. Who knows?

Regardless... I haven't the first idea what to do... If anything.

I know that before I do anything I need to let some time pass. Canceling a wedding one day before it's supposed to go down is no small thing.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Tearing Up

You know that feeling you get when you first see a police officers lights in your rear view mirror?

I was sitting in Claire's living room when my phone starts ringing the "Hungry Eyes" ring-tone that Andrea sent me as a joke months earlier. [insert above described feeling here]

I look at the phone half hoping that it was someone else. Some other profile I may have accidentally attached the ring-tone to. Nope, it is Andrea.

Claire says, "Who is it?" I look at her, but don't really listen to what she says. Claire says, "Are you okay? Who is that?" I say, "It's Andrea." Claire gets excited and says, "Answer it, Dummy!" I nod, stand up and head for the door as I answer the phone.

Jake: Hello
Andrea: Heeeey... Jake.
Jake: Andrea?
Andrea: Yup.
Jake: Hi... it's been a long time.
Andrea: Yeah, not that long.

True. Andrea and I met less than a year ago. We dated for 3 months, broke up and now she is getting married to someone else in 3 days.

Jake: True. It feels like a really long time, though.
Andrea: Yeah...
Jake: ...
Andrea: You didn't answer with your full name. It... kind of... threw me off.
Jake: Huh...? Yeah... my bad.
Jake: ...
Jake: I wasn't quite prepared for this phone call.
Andrea: (half laughed) I know. I'm sure this is super weird.

I heard her laugh and I instantly start to feel myself tear up. Not like a Goose-died cry, but like the opening-sequence-of-UP teared up. I love Andrea's laugh. It was loud and awkward and beautiful. She was right. It was weird. I decide I need to take control of the conversation and talk faster to help quell the cracking in my voice.

Andrea: Sooo--
Jake: So lets just say it! Let's get it out first thing. You're right, this is super weird ...and awkward. It's not easy for either of us. Right?
Andrea: Yes.
Jake: So we don't have to say anymore about the weirdness... we know it's weird, but whatever right? We can just talk now like it's not weird... ...even though it is.
Andrea: That's a good idea. (I could envision the way she was smiling as she said that)
Jake: So, back to un-weird regular talk... I hear congratulations are in order? I hear you are tying the knot.
Andrea: Yep. Pretty soon.
Jake: Wow. Getting married? That's a big step.
Andrea: Yep. Getting married.
Jake: When?
Andrea: Saturday.
Jake: Holy cow! Soon? You weren't kidding.

I chuckle nervously. The conversation felt one-sided. It felt... me-sided. She was the one who called me. Problem is, if I don't take control of the conversation I will cry. The last thing I want is for her to hear me cry... again.

Andrea: Yeah, Saturday. It's been so crazy! Getting ready for it and everything.
Jake: So who's the lucky guy?
Andrea: His name is Adam (great I thought, if I just killed all the Adams of the world I might be able to get back all of the girls I screwed things up with) I thought you would know all this. I thought that you would hear everything through Aaron from Carla.
Jake: Yeah, I may have heard some stuff, but I want to hear it from you, you know?
Andrea: (laughs)
Jake: I never knew the guys name though I have always just referred to him as "Fireman"... or, sometimes "Evil Fireman".
Andrea: Oh I see. (laughs) Well, yeah, this week I am getting married to the "Evil Fireman". We are getting married in the Bountiful Temple. I am pretty nervous for that.
Jake: Oh the temple's nothing. No big thing... in fact, you will love the temple. I know it.
Andrea: Good. Yeah. I just hear so many things, you know?

I don't want to talk about the Temple. I am wondering why she called. If I wait for her to tell me it'll take forever. I decide to stop thinking so much before I speak and to just start talking.

Jake: So, do you love him?
Andrea: What?
Jake: Adam. Do you love him?
Andrea: Yes.
Jake: How did he propose?
Andrea: It was just a small thing he did at the top of Mt. Timpanogas. Just the two of us.
Jake: Ooh nice. Midnight hike?
Andrea: Yep.
Jake: So he steals my girlfriend, steals my midnight hike idea and then proposes to one while on the other.

I made sure to put a lot of sarcasm into that statement. When I found out he proposed to her on that hike (a hike which she had never done until we did it on one of our first dates), I started tearing up again. I hoped sarcasm could pull me out of it.

Andrea: Oh stop it! You broke up with me remember?
Jake: Yeah, I do remember.
Jake: ...
Jake: I remember everyday when I cry myself to sleep regretting it.
Andrea: Shut up, Jake.

I think I hear a small crack in her voice and she doesn't laugh. I was expecting her to laugh. Perhaps I wasn't the only one struggling to hold back tears. There was a bit of a pause as I think we both realize what we were talking about.

Jake: You love him though. You love Adam -- What's his last name?
Andrea: Walker.
Jake: Adam Walker. (pause) Andrea Walker.
Andrea: (laughing) It's a pretty good last name.
Jake: Yeah. You can name your kids Moon or Texas or something...
Andrea: (laughs big)

Again I find myself with nowhere to go. I had walked out of Claire's apartment complex and down the street nearly four blocks by now. I decide to try and say less and see where Andrea takes this conversation.

Andrea: So... are you dating anyone these days?
Jake: No. Not really. Just dating around... same old.
Andrea: Yeah.

Well that doesn't work too well. There is a moment of silence. I wonder if there was a purpose to this call or if she just felt obligated to do it by some... well I don't even know.

Jake: Tell me about this "love" you speak of?
Andrea: (laughing) What!?
Jake: You are in love with this guy. To a point that you feel like he is the guy you want to be with for time and all eternity.
Andrea: ...
Jake: That's a pretty big deal. A huge deal! I'm your friend, tell me about it? Tell me what I have to look forward to.

Andrea squirms a little. I imagine her adjusting her clothes and the way she was sitting on the other end of the phone because of how uncomfortable she felt.

Andrea: Well, I don't know. It's not the kind of thing I can describe very easily. It's just like a feeling that you... like... know.
Jake: Right. That seems to be the best explanation I can get out of everyone. Next thing you are going to tell me that I'll know when it happens to me, right?
Andrea: Well... gawl Jake, that's how it is. It's an indescribable feeling that you just know is there.
Jake: You have that for Adam?
Andrea: Yup. I do. (she laughs)
Jake: Well, that's awesome Andrea. Seriously, I envy you. Sure I am a little jealous that this Adam guy gets to marry you... but really, I envy a feeling of love for someone so strong that you want to marry that person.
Andrea: (nervous laugh)
Jake: I'm sure Adam is a great guy. I'm sure if you picked him that he deserves you.
Andrea: He really is a great guy, Jake. I sometimes wish things were different because I think you guys would really like each other.

Ah ha, I thought, I can finally find out why she called.

Jake: Is that why you called?
Andrea: What?
Jake: Um, I don't know, I thought there was one good point you were getting at... but I... can't think of it now.
Andrea: ...
Jake: ...
Jake: So... why did you call?
Andrea: Why?
Jake: Yeah, why? You are getting married in three days. I'm a little bit confused.
Andrea: Well, I don't know...
Jake: I mean, it's good to hear your voice and everything... It's great hearing your voice. But I'll be honest. It...
Andrea: You were my best friend for a long time, Jake. (Four months doesn't really constitute a long time... but okay) I have never been able to open up to someone like I have to you. I just felt like I needed to share this with you. To talk to you about it... Because we were so close.

Andrea started crying midway through that sentence. Which in turn made me cry. It also made me see that there was no real point to her calling. At least no productive purpose that I could see. I mean seriously, I wasn't going to talk to her about her romance with her new husband. Our friendship had been non-existent up until today.

Jake: Now you are making me cry. I... I am really glad you called. We were really close and if situations were reversed I'm sure I would want the same thing. (not true, but I felt like it was the right thing to say) I am honestly so happy that you are happy.
Andrea: Thank you... I really do miss you.
Jake: I know, me too. But... (I wipe tears from my eyes like that's going to make a difference) go on. Go be in love. Maybe it's because I don't have it, but "love" seems like a huge deal. Especially a love that you can commit to for eternity.
Andrea: I know. (she sniffs hard like she's done crying)
Jake: I'll find her one day, that girl that will make me as happy as Adam makes you.
Andrea: I know you will Jake.
Jake: Well, lets leave it at that for now, okay? I'll send a present along with Aaron, but... I don't think I'll be attending.
Andrea: Are you sure I--
Jake: Yeah, I'm sure. Thanks for calling. It means a lot.
Andrea: It went a lot better than I thought it would. You really are a great guy.

I should have said, 'tell that to the people who read my secret blog'. But then she'd probably notice the letter I posted for all to see and kick my butt.

Jake: Thanks. It's been good talking to you. (this is where I started crying again but tried desperately to hide it until the call was over.)
Andrea: You too.
Jake: Bye
Andrea: See ya.

I hang up and find myself in front of some Asian Market. I'm half way between my house and Claire's place. I decide to just walk home and think about the fact that I will likely never talk with Andrea again. Luckily it's getting dark so strangers don't notice my allergies acting up.


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Hot Anna and Equally Hot Annie

Sometimes things seem to go so smoothly I can't help but wonder if God has a hand in my life in a pretty obvious way. Not in a sacrilegious way at all. Last night I was totally on my game. We had a bunch of people over to play some Frisbee Football and have a barbecue. The turnout was spectacular. It's not like we had 200 people show up or anything... but I'm talking quality... not quantity. The usual girls were there, but there were several new faces... and luckily they were female faces. And attractive female faces.

When we got the the park, I did a quick gender head count. There were the six of us roomies, four other guys from the ward... all of which were better looking than me and total butt plugs. Actually, they might be pretty cool, but if a guy is better looking than me, he's automatically a butt plug. And there were 12 girls, four of which were ugly, five were cute... kinda, and three were pretty freakin' hot. One of the hotties was a regular, but the other two were people I'd never seen before. I had no idea who they came with, but it was obvious they were getting a lot of the attention from the other dudes. In situations like that, I find it works best to just hang back and let the aggressive guys bump wieners and cock block themselves into oblivion. Then, once they've sufficiently embarrassed themselves, I can casually walk by and interject something humorous into a one-upping contest already in progress. Then I just keep walking as though I have more important things to do than puff out my hairless chest and try to bounce my pectoral muscles at an alternating frequency... like the other guys.

When we started picking teams for Frisbee Football, it was obvious that the girls were unhappy about the process. Luckily, Jake and I had already planned ahead for this scenario since it has happened several times before. We'd already discussed with Aaron how it was going to work. As planned, Aaron shouted, "Ok, let's pick teams... how about if Calvin and Jake are the Team Captains." Jake and I separated ourselves from everyone else. Our preconceived strategy was simple. Instead of picking the strongest players first, thereby leaving the ugliest and least athletic girl standing alone by the end of the selection process, we'd decided to HONESTLY (and that is key) pick our teams in the exact opposite order. We had to do our best to select the least attractive and least athletic people first. It's awesome when it goes according to plan.

First Jake picks one of the awkward uglies who is genuinely shocked when she's the first person selected. Then I do the same. The best part about this whole process is watching the d-bag dudes who aren't in the loop. They're scoffing and sighing, obviously frustrated that they haven't been picked first... like they usually are. After all the girls were chosen, we moved on to the least athletic of the guys. The look on their faces is priceless. When it got to the last two guys (both of which are the most agile of the bunch) it was my turn to choose. I looked at them both for a few seconds. People I've already chosen are whispering suggestions as to who would be the best for our team dynamic and morale. After 10 or so seconds, I sighed and said, "You can have both of those guys." Jake yelled, "No way, man. You have to take one of them." Then I said, "Fine. I guess I'll take Trent." Then Jake looked at the last guy and said, "I guess that means you're with us."

Picking teams like that is almost more fun than actually playing Frisbee. And it's imperative that nobody ever knows why we've chosen that way. If you tell anyone, then it's equally insulting to the first person chosen. We just let them think what they want... but never tell them why we did what we did.

As luck would have it, Jake chose the two new hotties. It just happened to work out that way. Their names are Annie and Anna and they're best friends. Weird, I know. It was confusing as crap for the rest of us, as well. (Since Wednesday, we've been trying to figure out what to call them to make them easier to distinguish. Usually, we call people with the same name something easy to remember... like Ugly Annie and Hot Anna... but we were all stumped since they're both hot.)

After the game, we went back to our house and Tim fired up the grill. (Another reason I'm stoked to have Tim around is he kicks total "a" on the Q. The best part is, he knows he's good so we don't even have to ask him. He's just adopted it as one of his household responsibilities.) I talked to the regulars while simultaneously watching the jocks tripping all over themselves trying to get Annie and Anna to notice them.

After an hour or so, I started casually walking past their little huddle group to see if I could interject something absolutely hilarious that would make Annie and Anna want to run their hands through my leg hair. Every time I walked by, they were always telling mission stories or bragging about their part-time job at Hollister. So gay. Now that I think about it, I don't think I ever walked by and heard the girls talking. It was always the guys trying to outdo the other guys.

Jake was conversating with a few of the regulars including the ward hottie. I noticed he wasn't paying the hottie any exclusive or special attention. He appeared to be talking to all of them with an equal amount of interest. I made a mental note to do that in the future. That way the hottie would wonder why she wasn't getting oogled as much, thereby increasing her interest. It also makes the average looking girls feel special because they notice they're receiving an equal amount of flattery in spite of the more attractive presence. I silently wondered if Jake was going to make out with all three of them that night. I think he could have. Then Jake called me over.

I walked up to their group. Jake said, "I was just telling Jessie (average) about the first thing I do after I drop my date off at her house and I start driving home. I told her, but she doesn't believe me." I replied, "I think all guys do the same thing on their drive home after a really good date, don't they?" Jake and I have had this discussion several times and we try to incorporate it as often as possible in mixed company. Some may refer to this particular activity as Scripted Dialogue. Jake and I have a bunch of it. Jake says, "Well, after I drop my date off I-" I cut him off. "Wait. Just wait, Jake. Let's see if we're thinking the same thing. We'll say it at the same time." The girls start laughing.

Jake says to the girls, "Ok, one of you count to three." Jessie starts counting. "One. Two. Three!"

Jake (as fast as possible): Call my mom and tell her all about my date.
Calvin(as fast as possible): Pick my nose and wipe the boogers under the seat.

The best part about this dialogue is that we both speak so quickly and at the same time so it takes a couple of seconds for our answers to sink in. Once the girls were laughing sufficiently, I wandered away and tried my luck again with the other group. Nothing. The guys were still flexing their social muscles as best they could.

Then Annie (or Anna, I'm not positive) looked between two of the guys and made eye contact with me. I was standing against the opposite wall. She smiled. If there was any chance in the world that someone was standing behind me, I probably would have checked, but I knew it was just a wood paneled wall. She had to be looking at me. I didn't smile back. Instead I mouthed the words, "Are you ok?" I was trying to be as serious as I could. She smiled even bigger. She glanced up at one of the guys talking to her and I heard her say to him, "Oh, I'll bet." Then she looked back at me. I mouthed, "Are you ok?" I looked at the back of each of the guy's heads individually, then back at her. She smiled again, then scrunched up her face a little bit and nodded. I gave her a subtle thumbs up, winked and walked into the kitchen. I thought the wink might have been a little too much, but it was too late.

I didn't see much of her for the rest of the night, but I honestly felt like I made more progress with her in our 30 second exchange than those other guys did in four hours.