Thursday, June 10, 2010

Big Talker Betty Crocker

Jake works around a lot of girls. He decided a while ago that he was going to try his best to not date people in our ward or people he works with. He claims that dating people in those two environments ends up putting too much pressure on their casual interactions. Lately, it seems like he just uses that as an excuse to not date somebody. It has ended up working out pretty well for the rest of the roommates, though. Whenever we plan an activity (that sounded so gay) we always remind all of our roommates to invite every girl that they know, even if they're ugly. I've explained this before, but I'll remind you just in case you're too lazy to have gone back to the beginning of our blog and read each and every post and committed seemingly meaningless details to memory. The philosophy behind inviting every girl we know to our parties is two-fold. The first fold is because it's always better to have too many girls than too few. Sometimes girls bring guys without telling us beforehand, so we do our best to manipulate the guy/girl ratio to make it the most advantageous for us. The second fold is because of the personality range that exists in our house. We all have different preferred "types", so just because your co-worker is 6' 5' doesn't mean you shouldn't invite her over. Worst case scenario... she's still a woman. That fact alone helps the party ratio.

Jake has a co-worker named Becky who he claims has had a pretty big crush on him. He's always claimed that she's pretty cute, but that he won't date her cause if it doesn't work out, he'll be uncomfortable working with her. I've always just assumed that the "hot girl" he claims "wants him" is really a hideous Yeti who probably thinks she's out of Jake's league.

Jake was bragging that he would be supplying the most amount of girls for our upcoming party. Lance laughed in his face, as usual, and said he would not only bring the most chicks, but he'd also bring the hottest chicks. Lance is the biggest talker I've ever met. The best way to understand Lance is to listen to what he says, but only believe 1/10th of whatever comes out of his mouth.

Jake had been texting Becky for about an hour giving her directions to our house. When she finally got there she pulled up in some huge jacked-up truck. All the guys in the house were drooling all over the truck... but I'm a vehicular retard so it didn't do much for me. Becky opened her door and stood up on the seat so she was looking over the top of the truck. "Is this the right place?" She was pretty hot... at least from the porch. She had dark hair and was really tan. Like, really tan. The hot kinda tan. She was wearing sunglasses and one of those shirts that is barely even a shirt. It was one of those skimpy tops that tied around her neck and draped loosely over her breasts. Her tan arms were exposed all the way to her collar bones and her "shirt" tied behind her back leaving most of her tanned back completely bare. Short shorts and tan legs. Sneakers with no socks. Ahem.

She yelled, "I forgot to stop at the store. Can you come with me, Jake? You can drive." Every person with an Adams Apple looked at Jake, waiting for him to sprint to her truck. Jake said, "I'm actually in the process of guiding in a few more cars. I should stay here." Becky said, "Does anyone else wanna drive?" Two other guys volunteered... and so did Aaron. They all piled in the truck and drove away.

I highly doubt that a girl of that... um... attractiveness... really dug on Jake. I had to keep telling myself that she only asked him to accompany her to the store because she didn't know anyone else. When I told Jake this, he said, "What do you mean? She knows you." I said, "I've never met her before. I only know what you've told me about her." Jake said, "That's Becky. The receptionist. She's the one who answers the phone whenever you call me at work." Apparently Becky has told Jake a few times that she thinks I'm hilarious.

I asked Jake if he'd mind if I attempted to "woo" her. He claimed to have no objections since he works with her and doesn't want to risk their friendship and work environment by dating her. I thought it best to bide my time. I honestly have no idea if I even have a chance, but if she's attracted to Jake, she's gotta see something in me. Hopefully. I let her do her thing during the party, but I have a feeling she'll be back. That should give me time to script some additional dialogue.

Calvin

20 comments:

Jade said...

Well good luck with getting her attention Calvin. But if what you say about Jake being the more attractive one out of the two of you, then hopefully you wit and charm wins her over for you.

a chick said...

wow. who the hell are y'all?

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

a chick...

Copy and paste the following into the address box in your browser:

http://mormonbachelorpad.blogspot.com/2009/05/supplemental-calvin.html

-c

Lesli Joe said...

What I don't understand is why you are so interested in girls who dress like skanks and obviously don't care about preparing to go to the temple and then spout off about the importance of a temple marriage.

Wait, . . . you just want to make out with them. Never mind. I answered my own questions.

Sometimes I forget what blog I'm reading. My bad.

Anonymous said...

Skanks don't get married in the temple.
Choose dateble ppl who can get u 2 the temple.
Stupid.

Confessions from a Mormon Maxi-Pad said...

Dude you just woke up in a transformers movie and the chick was Meagan Fox....splash some water over yourself and start over.

Masked McKenna said...

@Mormon Maxi-pad:
Lol. Best. Comment. Ever.

Anonymous said...

Date. The. Skank! Date. The. Skank! (I hope the rythmic vibe I was trying to give out was identified.)

sara said...

awwwwwwwwwwwwww you call jake at work!!! that's adorable...

Anonymous said...

wow. i really do love you guys. i know that i will laugh every time i read your blog.... but tonight as i read, i just thought, "it must be tiring to live like that."

as a single mormon girl though, i think that every other girl in the same boat is looking for guys like you, though... so keep doing what you are doing, i guess.

and i say that calvin should try dating a skank... we would get some great stories!

TheSinglesWard said...

Megan Fox... date Megan Fox... flirt to convert... Megan Fox...

What kind of cars do you drive? Wait... nevermind... maybe you're right Calvin...

Truth said...

Anonymous 9:01: What are you talking about? Calvin always dates skanks. In fact, he is one!

And remember Calvin, Aaron and two other guys rode in the truck with her. Not to mention letting her do her own thing and not talking to her.

Of course you are only looking to make out with her, so why care about relationships?

a chick said...

ok, I now know what your like and what you want to be when you 'grow up' but who are you? Y'all found me on twitter and just curious as to what you are looking for in the world.

Billy Goat Gruff said...

Wait, you didn't tell us. Did Nick bring the most girls?

a chick said...

also y'all email link on the glossary doesn't work. How the hell are we to ask questions (y'all intrigue me)

a chick said...

so just spent HOURS reading your blog. Seriously, hours. Calvin you are hi-larious, seriously. :) Jake, i don't want to leave you out, you are pretty awesome too. I am now in love with y'all even tho I'm pretty sure you are younger than my little brother and you think 26 is old which is not that far off. lol Much love

kate said...

So you were sitting there just blogging away while she went to the store with the other guys? Manly, I bet she'll choose you to make out with.

Anonymous said...

lol @ people calling her a skank just because he describes her as wearing a 'skimpy top'. really?

Ducky said...

I just found your blog and am going back and reading from the beginning. I love it. So cool. You get a lot of crap for saying how you feel, but you're honest about everything which is awesome. All of these holier than thou people can kiss my ass, because apparently they know the secrets of life and how not to be horny ever. Period. Apparently they never do anything wrong or sin and what not. I too was once a Mormon "whore" who lost track in high numbers of the boys she kissed. It's weird how people judge here.

Now I'm married (in the temple thanks) and even we laugh about it. So freaking have fun and enjoy yourself because one day it will all stop and you will have to be okay with kissing one person for the rest of your life. And I am because I made out with a million guys beforehand!

Anonymous said...

Wow... I just wasted an hour of my life reading about your pathetic life's. Your both pretty lame. You might as well face the inevitable: your both homo's just get it on already.