Monday, June 21, 2010

The History of Jake 2 of 6

After reading the title of this post you might think back to the first “History of Jake” post and decide there is no way that you are going to read another really really really really long post. This will not be the case here. If you don’t believe me take a moment to scroll down. See… it’s not that long.

So as I mentioned in that post, I have constantly been at arms with authority. I have struggled my whole life to do what is right. I know that everyone does things like this and struggles, but it seems like my list goes a little further than most. Again, when I say that the only reason I am not in prison right now is because of my belief in Jesus Christ and my attempts to be obedient to him, it is not an exaggeration.

• BULLY: You already know about the bully thing.

• DESTROY: As a child I was a terrible little kid. Prior to high school I did a lot of damage. I cannot even count the number of times I egged someone’s house or car. Or gathered up rotten apples and did the same thing. Some nights we would stand in bushes and as people walked by actually throw rotten apples at them. Throwing rocks through windows, mailbox bashing, and tire slashing were things I instigated often. It all came to a head when I was 14. There was the school district bus yard right behind my house. Along it ran some train tracks. What are train tracks surrounded with? Rocks. I convinced my brother and his friend who was sleeping over one night to go to the tracks and break as many windows in the buses as we could. We broke a lot of windows. Probably 100. We had been there for nearly half an hour when I notice the police that had silently surrounded us. They turned on the spot lights, I yelled "RUN!" and remember being tackled by a policeman. It was three in the morning when my parents got the call that we had been arrested and taken to the police station. I was later sentenced to community service which took an entire year to complete. Needless to say I was grounded for the entirety of 2002.

• LIE: I have in the past been an epic liar. Going above and beyond that of a regular liar. For example: Once I started a new job at a movie theater, there were several cute girls that worked there. I wanted them to like me, so I concocted a huge tragic story to aid in bonding. I told them that while at my Junior prom when I was 16, that it was raining heavily and there was a terrible car accident. That my date died. I would purposely give little bits of the story here and there so that those I told it too would feel as though they had to share some private story from their lives with me so that I would open up. The story was extremely detailed and involved several hundred lies. It even culminated with a tearful confession from me that usually lead to a hug and if I was lucky some impromptu make-outs up in the projector hallway. When I decided quite suddenly to go on a mission (which I wasn’t planning on doing at 18 and will tell you more about in a later history post) I confessed to each and every person about this lie. It was really hard. A lot of the friendships and romances I had in my teenage years where built upon the foundation of sharing this (if it were true) very traumatic and private experience. One which when shared these girls would share with me their most private and traumatic experiences. When I confessed to them that it was all a lie… that instead of going to my Junior prom I actually went to see a movie, by myself, they were hurt and angry. I lost many of my friends just before my mission. This is just one example of many lies I have told that I have confessed.

• STEAL: When I was a child around seven, I stole my Grandmothers camera from off the top of her fridge. I took the remaining pictures on the roll, and then when I tried to open the camera to get the pictures out I learned that you have to develop them first, but in learning this I ruined the roll by exposing it to light. I got caught, and this coupled with other experiences led my parents to send me to counseling for “kleptomania” I was young and don’t remember anything about it except that I kind of had a crush on my therapist. The therapy didn’t work because I grew up only maximizing my ability to steal. I had several jobs in high school, and quickly learned how to take from my employers without getting caught. I stole a lot of money. A lot. I think the actual term is embezzlement. What was really odd about this is that I would keep track of all of the money that I took, with the intention of someday paying it back. That was my justification. When I finally confessed this sin I had racked up a total of nearly $20,000 that I had recorded stealing over my illustrious 3-year working career. In order to go on my mission my parents helped me to get a loan and pay back all five of the places I had stolen from. My mission was delayed about six months as I had to convince each one to provide a letter saying they would not pursue criminal charges.

• ASSORTED WICKEDNESS: There are other things not quite appropriate for the blog, or that I will save for a later history post, but the above isn’t everything. It’s just enough to give you a glimpse.

Claire and I talk a lot. So much so that it makes Calvin jealous. I have touched on many of these topics with her before. Last night, however, we had it out and I fully confessed each and every thing I ever did. She did the same but her worst things were lying to her mom about seeing an R rated movie and ditching school. I finished talking and Claire did her thing about listening and making me just feel comfortable. We finished talking last night at 4:30 in the morning. I have never felt comfortable telling a girl all of the things I told Claire.

For being seeming self righteous on the surface, Claire was incredibly complimentary and understanding. Even with Andrea and Sanders I never would have been able to open up like this. When I was driving home I felt really good about our serious heart-to-heart. I know that on our blog Calvin and I display plenty of gay tendencies so you may take this the wrong way, but the things I told Claire, I have only told Calvin. I decided that that is pretty special and that if I am going to be with someone I should be able to tell them all the things I tell Calvin.

I have decided I am going to make my move on Claire. I’m not sure when... probably this weekend. It’s going to take some courage, but I just feel like this might be a bit of a sign as to what I should do. It puts Claire out ahead of Andrea by quite a bit.

Jake

92 comments:

singlemormonchick said...

dont chicken out and dont make lame excuses to get yourself out of it. man up and do it! i love you jake. :)

Anonymous said...

i'm glad you found a girl you can open up to like you can calvin, even though that makes him jealous

Ducky said...

You remind me of a guy I knew in high school. He concocted a lie like that and got me (and many others) to fall for him after telling him my secret things. It wasn't until after I talked to his friends that I found out it was actually just a huge lie. It was really good of you to confess. At least you did that, and at least you try to be a good guy. Many people that are like you don't even attempt it.

You may have done some stupid things, but I still think you are too hard on yourself. We've all done stupid things. And a lot of us only change because of our love for Christ.

Erin said...

I'm glad you're not as much of an asshole anymore.

a chick said...

I want to give you a great big hug! It takes a lot to turn your life around, you should be proud of yourself. You remind me a lot of my students, I should use you as an example that they can turn out ok and not end up in prison like all their parents.
::hug::

Anonymous said...

YAWN

Anonymous said...

Hurry before you stay in the 'Best Friend' territory. Then of course it could just be friends with benefits. Go for her!

Anonymous said...

can you put a link up to the first history of jake? thanks :) you guys rock!

ethan_marston said...

I think you are a bit too hard on yourself. Just think of it like... you went through all of that and yet you're still on the right track. Others would have just given up instead of seeking reconciliation, but you had the strength and the insight to see that even after doing all of these things, God's still there for you, and that no soul is too wicked to get back on the right path. Every life has its trials, and we're never tried with more than we can handle. Just goes to show that you can put up with a hell of a lot more than most people.

{Jesica Huffaker} said...

If I were Andrea and I found out you were still debating between me and another girl... I probably would have called the wedding back on after I punched you in the face. That is... if I actually did call off my wedding for you in the first place.

WilWheaton said...

Wow, it looks like coming clean about all the ridiculously stupid and REALLY illegal stuff you did in your past will net you just as many chicks as lying about a dead Prom date...

some_kid said...

Thanks for the Confessions, Augustine.

TheSinglesWard said...

We have to admit that we were a bit destructive in our youth. It's a guy thing and girls just cant compare.

What are Claires roommates like? I think Jacob might know them.

Crystal said...

Woah.

That's really all I've got.

Anonymous said...

Can someone please tell me how I can get the last 2 minutes I wasted reading this back? Oh wait, I didn't read it because:
1. Calvin is hotter
2. Jake is boring
3. I don't like liars.

Kari Anne said...

Jake,
There are far too few people that you can tell things like that to and NOT be judged. Claire sounds like she has a very level head on her shoulders. One thing you can ask yourself is:

'How would Andrea feel/react if you told her?'

I had to do something similar to that with my husband. It wasn't stealing, but lies we told each other. And when we were confessing to each other of the things we had done before and after we married, I had to tell him something that I had hidden from my family and friends. There is only one person besides him that I have told about it...and when I told him...I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. (I didn't kill anyone or anything...LOL) But, I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel when you lay all your cards out on the table for someone to see...

Best of luck to you!!

Anonymous said...

Jessica - We don't know why Andrea called it off. It would be too assuming for Jake to assume it is entirely because of him. Andrea hasn't contacted him either. So why should Andrea punch him, when he is in the dark about why she canceled the wedding?

Claudemir and Corbi Lima said...

So do we know why Andrea called off the wedding!? And if you are able to talk to a girl about your past and not feel judged at all I say go for it!

Anonymous said...

if you are willing to tell people about all that, then i think it is great, because it shows that you are really sorry.

good job jake! go for claire... don't chicken out, just get it over with! if you feel that comfortable with her as friend, it should work out. :)

Autumn said...

Goooooo Jake!

Anonymous said...

I feel sorry for whoever marries you.

Jade said...

If you can open up to Claire like that and not feel like she's judging you for it, then by all means go for her Jake. I'm behind you all the way!

Confessions from a Mormon Maxi-Pad said...

Remember in the movie "The Breakfast Club" where the Judd Nelson tells Molly Ringwald that her character name "Claire" is a "FAT GIRLS" name? What do you think about that? Is it true?

~*~Katie Jo~*~ said...

WOOHOO!! Good luck Jake!!

When you can open up that much to someone and still feel totally comfortable, it is an incredible thing! Go for it!

Blazzer said...

Jake, your ability to talk to Claire is something we all look for in someone. I hope that her feeling for you will be reciprocated.

-Blazzer

Anonymous said...

Liar's go to hell. I guess you might as well try for Claire until you get there.

Tara said...

I would like to see what falls under "Assorted Wickedness"... what could be inappropriate vs committing a felony?

Anonymous said...

but i want you to be with Andrea. I was seriously waiting for you to post so i could see if you talked about andrea. if andrea's as great a person as you say she is, im pretty sure she would be chill with hearing about that stuff. It's harder to admit things to the people you really care about ;) well i ifnd that any way.

any who, one of you post something please. :)

Anonymous said...

Love the post but I am wondering if Calvin died? It has been almost 2 weeks since his last real post (the giveaway doesn't count).

Anonymous said...

How about Calvin's mom?

mikey and kimby said...

So why the lack of posts? I want to hear an update!

liz said...

this post officially made you unattractive...sorry!

Anonymous said...

And you think you're just the average mormon guy, really? Sorry but the average mormon guy I know didn't rack up 20k in stealing from his workplaces. Again, I think to myself you should save "mormon" for somebody who can represent our faith better.

Anonymous said...

you learn from your mistakes...thats awesome you found a girl thats so chill sounds like thats exactly what you need...

oh and update!!

Anonymous said...

ok whoever posted thats an idiot do you not know or understand anything about this gospel? what is the atonement for? mercy? the love of christ? wow it blows my mind how simple-minded some people are...

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, anonymous, but the average mormon does make mistakes. That is why the atonement is so awesome and necessary. We know none of us are going to get through this life without slipping up. I think that story is a great example of repentance and faith in the atonement. We need to let each other be human sometimes.

bt said...

Where'd you go?

Jade said...

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE ALREADY!!!!!! I Need some Excitement in my life, just cuz my dating life is lame and I have to live Vicariously through you guys for the time being.

i can haz blog post? said...

ok super bored! can you just write something so i can read it? i know you were probably camping out in a line with all the other fan girls waiting to get a look at some whiny actors and "sexy" abs but seriously how many times do you need to rewatch it before you can post something new?
don't worry, i'll be here holding my breath until you return
Thanks

Klc said...

Ummmm.... MBP? Where are you?

jen said...

I'm kind of hoping this blog has finally bit them in the ass. It's entertaining, to be sure, but 100% not a good idea.

Anonymous said...

Hey-isn't it time for another post? What has happened to you guys?

Anonymous said...

the average Mormon makes mistakes but they don't post them on a blog.

Molly McAllister said...

Make a move on her and then pretend like you don't care. It will get her thinking:) promise.

Anonymous said...

yes the average person makes mistakes. stealing 20k isn't exactly a "whoops" mistake. do you really think the average mormon guy has done that? and YES i've made mistakes too. and YES i believe in the atonement and am very, very grateful for it. that is completely separate from my statement that i DO NOT think that these guys represent the AVERAGE mormon, like they claim.

Anonymous said...

and besides, how is this post such a great example of repentance and faith? besides one sentence saying that it was his belief in Christ that kept him out of prison, it mentions nothing of the atonement or how this gospel has changed him. please.

Anonymous said...

Guys! I need a new blog post! :(

Anonymous said...

the actions taken to repent and go on a mission were pretty demonstrative of the faith he has in repentance. Not a lot of people who have made these mistakes (don't try telling me the average Mormon doesn't struggle with debt, pornography and/or other serious sins-- if they didn't we wouldn't address these issues so much as a whole church) go to the lengths he did. Finding people you have lied to and coming clean is a faith filled action. Paying off the debt to those he stole from is also pretty huge. And I'm guessing since he hasn't done those things again the events changed him. People make mistakes- it happens. Its great and beautiful when they repent and I don't think we should ever judge or lessen the effort they made and how that has effected their relationship with God.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the person who said "I feel sorry for whoever marries you" - in fact, I feel sorry for you... Your story reminds me of the story about the rattle snake who convinced someone to pick it up--then it bites and kills that person... then the snake says says..."you knew what I was when you picked me up" -- being a compulsive lier and a thief may not be so easy to overcome (of course there's always repentance -- but seriously -- When you're a snake can you really remove the the rattle so easily)... Good luck to you !!!

Anonymous said...

i almost expected to open up your website, and find it deleted.... thought maybe somebody had figured out the real mystery and you had fallen off the face of the planet.... yeah, but you should totally update soon....

miss you guys! :)

Kat said...

Seriously now! Update!

Anonymous said...

are you an idiot? he made amends before the mission, he felt the need to repent for all he had done. if you seriously are being so judgemental, you should probably take a step back and read the first part of matthew 7...

Anonymous said...

Where the freak are you guys? I need an update within the next 24 hours, please.

Anonymous said...

Well, looks like Jake and Calvin got grounded by mommy, their cover got blown, or eloped to Vegas.

My moneys on the trifecta.

Anonymous said...

ok. so now i realize that because you guys are still publishing comments that this is probably a set up... what? need reassurance that the blog is dearly loved or something? k, so now you have your proof....

UPDATE!

Jade said...

Do I need to come hunt you down and knock your head together? I'm about ready too, I'm going crazy and delusional without my at least weekly dose of MBP....... ugh saddest day ever!

Elisabeth said...

I am dying here. I live semi-vicariously through you and without your posts, my life is a little less...

Anonymous said...

According to twitter a couple days ago, you were talking about quitting. Don't quit. I'm sure LOTS of peopole will agree with me on this one.

Anonymous said...

Maybe they are waiting for 100 people to make a comment. Whatever the case may be HURRY UP AND POST SOMETHING!

Anonymous said...

DON'T QUITTTTTT :(

Anonymous said...

POST NOW. thanks

Anna said...

The trifecta idea is definitely plausible...but the comments are still being published. Probably to figure out how many people actually care about these guys. And I definitely include myself in that category.

COME BACK! I need you guys and your mildly insane sanity!

Anonymous said...

if you guys quit.... ugh! just please don't quit. i would never forgive you probably. especially if we never discovered who you truly are before you quit! but,

if you want to be totally lame...

then quit.

but, then you would be totally lame... so

don't quit!

keep us all happy. :)

Anonymous said...

Ok, I need an update soon or I might just give up on my MBP boys... Please don't make me do that!

Nemo said...

Instead of reading your blog posts, I am now reading your comments... they are not as entertaining.

Just a girl said...

Dear boys at MBP,
I miss you! And work sucks with out new posts to read when were not busy-which is like ALWAYS! So pretty please with sugar on top, post something? :]
Thanks!

Anonymous said...

COMMMEE BACKKKK!

10ashus said...

I go on a trip and expect at least 3 POSTS. I come home to NOTHING!!
UPDATE. NOW!!

Kati said...

hello where have you guys been? i'm seriously missing your wittisisms

Anonymous said...

the preson who applyed the story about the snake to him. that was harsh. really harsh. we all chose to be on this earth. we have the opportunity to repent, to change. that story was talking baout something that could never change. peaople can

Anonymous said...

Well at least you could finish the 6 part History of Jake if you quit...and I would miss this blog if you quit...it's quite entertaining.

Kristen said...

cheap play for validation, boys...
never you mind that that's exactly what I'm giving you right now...

Anonymous said...

entertain me please!!! i really want to find out how the date with claire went and if you ever called andrea.
please!

Anonymous said...

Did you guys get caught and so had to stop? Your readers have the right to know you're done with this blog.

Anonymous said...

You're just doing this so you can feel like movie stars...

Anonymous said...

We're ready to hear more. Come on back, guys!

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

Their Giveaway prize probably fell through and they have too much pride to admit it...

ginger said...

Missing you....

Anonymous said...

Please update!

Brittnay said...

Pretty sure this is just some scam to get attention. C & J, do you realize your acting like 5 year olds?

Lindsay Anne said...

you're annoying.

Anonymous said...

:(

Marcie said...

SO. GAY.

Anonymous said...

Are these boys gone forever? The "What People Say about MBP" is making me convinced that they are. Sad day.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty much hoping your absence means you guys got caught by someone....a girl, your guy friends who now presume you're all gay, your bishop, etc. Maybe you're on your way to hell right now. No girl deserves having to end up with any of you.

Anonymous said...

you guys are going to lose a lot of followers...just sayin'

Anonymous said...

Is it official that these boys are done blogging?

Anonymous said...

am I the only one who's pretty sure they're going to make it a habit from now on not to post again until the current post gets at least a hundred comments?
cause that's what this looks like to me...

maggles said...

Come out, come out, wherever you are...

Crystal said...

I would pretend I care a lot that you are missing but I just noticed today after a month of no posts. So I guess I care a little...but not a lot.

Anonymous said...

I miss you boys!!!

Kendal said...

I love this blog. It is so refreshingly honest. I also love reading the comments from bitter beehotches. Please ladies, like you don't think about "rolling around" with hot guys. Cut the bull. If you DON'T think about getting on guys then you probably have low sex drives, which means you're going to have very unhappy husbands. As a temple endowed, LDS woman, I'm proud of my sex drive. My husband doesn't mind it much either ;)