Federal Offense

When I was a kid, one summer while I lived in Seattle my family came to visit here in Utah. I was young, like 10 or 11. My cousin Sam and I always seemed to find ways to get into trouble. One sunny day we decided the most fun we could possibly have at the moment was to walk down the street and open complete strangers mailboxes, grabbing the mail inside and throwing it out into the street. It was loads of fun, but we weren't at all concerned with discretion and got caught.

A policeman asked us to take him back to my aunts house. I remember sitting there as he explained to my aunt and mother that we had committed a federal offense. They made sure to tell us how much worse that was than a regular offense. My cousin and I thought it was so cool, though! I remember telling our younger cousins later on in that trip that we were on the FBI's list.

I grew up with this feeling that mail was something to be revered... after all, tampering with it was a federal offense.

We have so many roommates now that our mail can get a little bit retarded... what with Tim's Netflix, Calvins Columbia House membership, and Aaron getting talked into subscribing to 15 magazines, it can get cluttered... fast.

To combat this, I concocted a genius mail system... (okay, genius might be stretching) I glued those clear file folders to a part of the living room wall by our computer. One slot for each roommate. Then I took a label maker and painstakingly added each roommates name to a specific slot. That way when the mail arrived it could easily be sorted and we could look at it at our leisure.

This had worked so well, I have taken for granted that each piece of mail in my slot is mine. So I don't look at who each letter is addressed to. Today I came home and went through some of my mail. I noticed a letter from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I opened it thinking that it must have just been home teaching assignments or something.

Then I started reading it. It was a letter from the Bishopric informing me that after much reflection that it had been decided that I was disfellowshipped! I panicked briefly... did they change the rules so that drinking Mountain Dew and kissing a girl on the lips was a violation one would be disfellowshipped for? Because that was the extent of my unrighteousness as of late.

I looked over the letter when I noticed it was actually addressed to Lance! Somehow this letter made it into my mail pile. I thought about telling him... but he might feel pretty violated and I couldn't be sure he would believe it had been an accident. I thought about trying to reseal it, but I tore it open at the end of the letter, ignoring the flap... so that would be impossible.

So I threw it away. Not learning anything from my childhood I tossed out Lances disfellowship notice thereby committing a federal offense. When I saw him, I kind of fished to see if he would just tell me about it. He wasn't giving up any info though. He has been consistently going to Church, so hopefully this was or will be relayed verbally to him.

I wonder what he did. I am determined to get to the bottom of it, even though I shouldn't. It's really none of my business... but I can't help it.

Jake