Saturday, June 12, 2010

Federal Offense

When I was a kid, one summer while I lived in Seattle my family came to visit here in Utah. I was young, like 10 or 11. My cousin Sam and I always seemed to find ways to get into trouble. One sunny day we decided the most fun we could possibly have at the moment was to walk down the street and open complete strangers mailboxes, grabbing the mail inside and throwing it out into the street. It was loads of fun, but we weren't at all concerned with discretion and got caught.

A policeman asked us to take him back to my aunts house. I remember sitting there as he explained to my aunt and mother that we had committed a federal offense. They made sure to tell us how much worse that was than a regular offense. My cousin and I thought it was so cool, though! I remember telling our younger cousins later on in that trip that we were on the FBI's list.

I grew up with this feeling that mail was something to be revered... after all, tampering with it was a federal offense.

We have so many roommates now that our mail can get a little bit retarded... what with Tim's Netflix, Calvins Columbia House membership, and Aaron getting talked into subscribing to 15 magazines, it can get cluttered... fast.

To combat this, I concocted a genius mail system... (okay, genius might be stretching) I glued those clear file folders to a part of the living room wall by our computer. One slot for each roommate. Then I took a label maker and painstakingly added each roommates name to a specific slot. That way when the mail arrived it could easily be sorted and we could look at it at our leisure.

This had worked so well, I have taken for granted that each piece of mail in my slot is mine. So I don't look at who each letter is addressed to. Today I came home and went through some of my mail. I noticed a letter from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I opened it thinking that it must have just been home teaching assignments or something.

Then I started reading it. It was a letter from the Bishopric informing me that after much reflection that it had been decided that I was disfellowshipped! I panicked briefly... did they change the rules so that drinking Mountain Dew and kissing a girl on the lips was a violation one would be disfellowshipped for? Because that was the extent of my unrighteousness as of late.

I looked over the letter when I noticed it was actually addressed to Lance! Somehow this letter made it into my mail pile. I thought about telling him... but he might feel pretty violated and I couldn't be sure he would believe it had been an accident. I thought about trying to reseal it, but I tore it open at the end of the letter, ignoring the flap... so that would be impossible.

So I threw it away. Not learning anything from my childhood I tossed out Lances disfellowship notice thereby committing a federal offense. When I saw him, I kind of fished to see if he would just tell me about it. He wasn't giving up any info though. He has been consistently going to Church, so hopefully this was or will be relayed verbally to him.

I wonder what he did. I am determined to get to the bottom of it, even though I shouldn't. It's really none of my business... but I can't help it.

Jake

20 comments:

Erin said...

YOU EFFING THREW IT AWAY?????

You. are. an. idiot.

Please imagine for yourself the stressed and emphasized words above as you read it.

SERIOUSLY.

Gaaaaahhhhhhh. Stupid stupid stupid.

thesinglesward said...

We used to drive out into the country and use various devices against mailboxes. The adventures of a 15 and 16 yr. old.

As far as Lance, he knows. If he's getting a letter, it means he's been through a disciplinary council. He will likely sit down with the bishop and discuss this outcome and outline what he will need to do to fully restore his standing.

ethan_marston said...

If it's still in the trash you could get a new business envelope or something...? I'm pretty sure that information's a bit too important to be thrown away, but I definitely understand the not wanting to be caught thing.

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

First, you're dumb.

Just say, "Hey, I started to open this letter then I realized it was for you, sorry bro, it was in with my mail."

Second, do they seriously inform you of a disfellowship by mail? That seems a little impersonal! I mean did the letter say "Now you're no longer welcome in our buildings" too?

Kristin Lee said...

He probably killed a guy for opening and reading his mail.

Watch your back.

Janie said...

noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AH THIS IS WORSE THAN ALL THOSE TERRIBLE SEXIST POSTS!!!! GAHHH!!

gahhhh

well, surely he'll find out eventually or something

Caitlin said...

hahahaha
1) i love how involved people are with this blog
2) brilliant
3) once i caulked a mailbox shut and was almost arrested- i feel your fear

Anonymous said...

crazy stuff! i would have put it in his mailbox and then not fessed up to opening it. EVER!!! does lance not know about this blog? i though all the roomies knew???

darlene said...

jake,
what's your favourite World Cup team?

Beatrice and Laura said...

What if he never finds out he's disfellowshipped? That could lead to an embarrassing situation for sure...

Autumn said...

Uhm, thats not good. But I thought they TOLD you their decision in person. NOT through the mail. Maybe I was wrong? Whatever. But you shouldn't have thrown out his mail!

Anonymous said...

You don't find out by mail. The bishop will tell you the decision before the council is over, and he will also explain very clearly what it means. The letter is part of church policy, but the person will already know what the letter says.

Anonymous said...

Pretty sure they tell you then send a letter... trust me he knows..

Anonymous said...

Of all the stuff you and Calvin have written about Lance, you are surprised that he is being disfellowshipped?

anna said...

maybe lance is disfellowshipped for committing a federal offence. you should just tell him about the letter. big deal. so you read it.

Brit O'Connor said...

He's been disfellowshipped and he didn't even serve a mission? He must have done something pretty dang bad. I know PLENTY of guys who have gone through the temple, have done some crazy stuff, and they only get formal probation.

Naughty naughty Lance.

Confessions from a Mormon Maxi-Pad said...

Disfellowshipped mismellowmiffed...who hasn't been. Yawn.

Anonymous said...

JAAAAAAAAKE, you can't just throw it away!!!! He needs to have that letter! What if he DOESN'T know???

Blog Fiction reader said...

Jake is lying to get more readers, you DO NOT find out about such decisions by mail...trust me I know.

Miss Tiff said...

So this is probably gonna sound bad but have you figured out why he got the letter???