Friday, October 30, 2009

Hallow's Eve Eve


About 4 o'clock today my phone started going crazy with texts.

"What are you up to tonight?" "Any good parties tonight?" "You doing a haunted house or what?" "Huge Costume Party at such and such." I love it!

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. I mean I love scary movies and candy. I could do without having to think of a costume every year, but I deal. Anyway, I'm sure I could go on about that for a while, but I'm tired and I think a bunch of us are gonna go to Denny's in a minute.

So aside from Calvin, (he has his date) the rest of us went out tonight.

I saw this picture on the internet a month or so ago and it gave me an idea (one I have since found out was not as original as I thought)
I bought one of these bad boys online. It was cheap, and think of the countless uses I will get out of it! Then I grabbed one of my Van's slip-ons and with rubber cement I fastened it to my head (the hood, not my actual head) and walla I was gum. You know, stuck on the bottom of a shoe? Thats why I'm pink, like gum... well anyway I thought it was creative. I did end up being the only idiot who spent any money on his costume.
Nick was feeling extra creative, and he grabbed this pot that has been lying on it's side on our front porch for as long as I've lived here. He put it on his head. That was his costume. "Hey Nick, what are you supposed to be?" He would get a huge grin and say, "A pot head!" and then burst into his very unique loud and contagious laughter.
Best in show however goes to Aaron and Lance. One of the two DI couches we own looks almost exactly like the one pictured. Not the most comfortable for snoggin, but it does the job. So Aaron and Lance took the back cushions and safety-pinned the crap out of them and fastened them to their shirts. Then they repeated the process pinning the bottom cushions to the front thy of their jeans. Then they each took one matching pillow, and made these neat little sleeve things out of tube socks which were safety pinned to the pillows. Aaron wore his pillow on his right arm, and Lance wore his on his left arm. When they sat, or squatted properly they became a seat. Quoting them, "Together we're a love seat!" The main genius behind this costume idea was that ever girl we met want a picture sitting in their laps.

We started at Crimson Nights. Lots of hot girls... then we stopped by the Circle Lounge downtown cause Lance's buddy could get us in for free, lots of hot, but skankier girls there. That whole scene just isn't for me. So once I could drag Lance away we went to a house party up by the U frats.

This was a good party. There was food an beverage. Separate area's for dancing and lounging. I always gravitate to the lounging area's. The night had already been fruitful each of us had gotten at least one phone number. I ended up by myself in this living room area. When I say by myself, I mean away from my roommates, there was a bunch of people in there. The Loveseat was getting it's groove on to that lame new September song, and I could faintly hear Nicks signature laugh from the kitchen. (probably just told someone what his costume was) I was tired and content to just sit and sip a dew.

This cute little blonde girl sat down next to me and started a conversation. She was dressed up as Adrian Peterson. It was sexy, and she did actually know who he was. We talked for a while about all sorts of stuff. I used my designated 2009 Halloween joke which is, "I would have dressed up like a Chip and Dale dancer, but I only have one white shirt and I couldn't very well cut the cuffs and collar off for my costume otherwise what would I wear to Church Sunday."

She laughed and then gasped and said, "Oh my gosh, my Sister is getting married in three weeks. I would so love to get some strippers to come to her bachelorette party." I laughed and said, "Too bad for that whole Mormon thing, huh?" She said, "Oh no, not real strippers, they're gross! No it'd be funny just to get some regular guys to strip down to like their boxers." She looked at the ceiling thinking about her new idea. She looked at me and said, "What do you think, could you strip for a bunch of screaming women?" I thought for a brief second, "Yes." "Really?" "Yeah, no problem."

She looked at me like she thought she would notice some "tell" that would let her know I was joking. She said, "It would have to be a joke you know?" I said, "Then I am perfect. I have a patch of chest hair that looks kind of like the bat symbol." She grimaced, smiled and said, "There'd need to be more than one of you." I replied "Right, I think I could get 4 or 5 to do it with me." Just then, as though fate had predestined it, Nick walked into the room. I called out, "Hey Nick?" He said, "Yeah?" "Would you want to strip down to boxers at some girls bachelorette party?" He didn't even think he said, "I can't dance... but yeah." Me and the blonde looked at each other and said in unision, "Perfect."

Just then this guy dressed as Brett Farve walked up. Blonde says, "Oh hey, this is my boyfriend Joe. ...and this is Jake. He's agreed to strip at Wendy's bachelorette party." I think the guy grunted or something, I can't really remember because I was thinking about how lame it was that they dressed up as "teammates." I never actually got her name... but she got my number and said she would text me about the stripping thing. I wont hold my breath, but it does sound like a fun idea. As we drove home I told Lance and Aaron about it, and they too were all for a little "not-sexy" stripping sometime in the future.

Oh, time to go to Denny's... mmmm... bottomless hot chocolate.


Thursday, October 29, 2009

First Date Foreplay

Tori was adequately receptive to the Tropicana Twister and the card. When I say "adequately" I mean her reaction was perfect. It wasn't over the top, like sneaking to my house and taping construction paper hearts and lips all over my car... even though that would have been cool. She sent me a text that said, "You're so sweet, Calvin. I can't wait to meet you." That's how she typed it, as well. It wasn't, "Ur so sweet, Cal. I cnt wait 2 meet U." Thank goodness she spells out her texts like I do.

When I called my dad on Monday afternoon, she answered of course and our conversation went very well... again. She's so energetic and bubbly. I can't tell if she's excited cause she's talking to me or if she's excited to talk to everybody. ("Hello, Tori, this is Bonneville Collections. You're check to Pizza Hut bounced." "OH. MY. GOODNESS! [giggles] Are you serious? [giggling] The pizza was TOTALLY worth the $50 fee.") I'm not sure I wanna know, though. I'm content in just assuming she's only that way with me cause I'm so amazing at casual, flirtatious conversation.

I'll be honest, though. Every time I need to call my dad, I mentally and physically prepare for our conversation. I think about what sort of witty and (seemingly) spontaneous small talk I'm going to have with her. Our conversations are short and I don't want to waste them by talking about Judge Joe Brown or something equally unfunny. Trust me. I've tried to come up with funny stuff about Judge Joe Brown and it's impossible. I also moved one of my office chairs in front of my door in the hopes that it'll be harder for me to unconsciously wander out of my office building like last time.

What I've decided to do... and it's working very well... is to give Tori small insights into what I have in store for our date this Friday. For example, on Tuesday I told her that I needed to go buy a scented tree in preparation for our date. She said, "But it's only Tuesday." Then I said that if I bought it too close to our date, like on Friday morning, then the pleasant odor in my vehicle would be too overpowering and could possibly distract her from my first-date awesomeness. She loved that one.

Then yesterday when I called my dad, Tori asked what flavor of scented tree I purchased. This was a question I wasn't ready for, but I answered quickly so it seemed like I was prepared: Cinna-Berry. I knew what her next question was going to be so I started thinking of what I was gonna answer before she even asked the question. "Why not Pine or Vanilla-roma?" My answer was, "I've tried those, but none of them mix well with my cologne." I love her laugh.

Oh, by the way, my dad took three photo's of her with his camera phone and emailed them to me. She's pretty hot. And I don't mean "hot" as a degrading term. I mean she's hot, like, smokin'. Tori wasn't ready for the first photo so it was completely candid of her sitting at her desk and staring at her computer screen (probably fantasizing about me). The next photo was her smiling at my dad's camera and the third one was of her standing up and trying to cover her face. The standing up one was nice. You never know what to expect when you see photo's of girls from the neck up... or even the waist up, sometimes.

I'm getting ready to call my dad later this afternoon and I think I know what first date foreplay move I want to use. I'll be giving Tori another behind-the-scenes look at the upcoming bitchin'ness of our first date.


Tuesday, October 27, 2009


I have a pretty good memory. If I tried really hard I'm pretty sure I could relay Andrea's and my hour and a half conversation verbatim. Who wants to read all of that though... I wouldn't. That would be dumb. Like most conversations of this type we talked in circles and said a lot of the same things over and over again. So I have written the key points while trying my very hardest to stay true to what actually happened.

A: Hello
J: Hey
A: Hey
J: How are you?
A: Good.
J: Good.
J: This is weird, right?
A: (laughs) Yeah
J: Yeah... I knew it would be. I thought we should talk though.
A: I'm glad.
J: So your letter was, um, it was pretty hard to read... You said a lot of really nice things about me.
A: I meant them.
J: I know you did. I know. I just, I don't...
J: I don't know how to do this.
A: I guess that depends on what you want to do. What do you want to do?
J: I want to explain myself. I just hated reading that letter. I hated knowing that you were hurting like that. Hurting like that over me, over someone who--
A: If you're going to start in with the "deserve" stuff again maybe we just shouldn't do this.
J: W--
A: And if your just calling to explain yourself, that's another conversation I don't see the point of.
J: Well... okay... but I... I guess what I want is to do is to talk about how both of us feel.
J: I think we need to... (sigh)
J: I don't know.
A: Okay, fine. Do you think you were falling for me?
J: I... I--

A: (quivering voice) Okay... well that wasn't a good answer.
J: No, come on. You know I care about you.
A: but you don't love me.
J: No.
J: I mean, I don't even know what love is Andrea. I know that I feel strongly enough for you that I want you to be happy. I know that I love spending time with you. I honestly can say that I haven't felt as strongly about any girl before you.
J: I just don't think it's love, or at least it's not the idea of love that I have always imagined.
A: I... Why can't we just spend time together then? That doesn't make sense.
J: I know it doesn't make sense to you. I think the reason for that is, that you don't believe me.
A: Believe you? You don't even know what you're talking about. You just said that.
J: No. I said that I don't know what love is. I know exactly what I am talking about though.
A: So what am I not believing then? That you don't deserve me?
J: Maybe deserve is the wrong word. But this is what I feel, and I promise you, no matter what you say, or my mom says, or Calvin and the guys say, I know what I feel and why I am doing this. I adore you, I really do. You are amazing and beautiful and you know I could go on and on with compliments, but you're amazing. I want the best for you.
A: You can't decide what's best--
J: No I can't. You're right, but when I am with you, when we are together I think "she's gonna be happiest with someone else. I want her to be happiest." That's the truth. I promise you I don't want to go out and find other girls. I don't think I'm not ready for a commitment. I don't think I'm too young, and I don't think you are either. If Joseph Smith can talk to God at 14, you and I can certainly know what love is.
A: Did you show Calvin the letter.
J: You know the answer to that.
A: You did didn't you?
J: Of course I did. You know how open I am, I showed it to the other guys too.
A: I knew that would happen.
A: It's still a little embarrassing.
J: I showed my mom, too.
A: What?! Oh my gosh are you serious?
J: What? You are like the biggest most important event in my life right now. I needed the input of those I trust. You're amazing Andrea. This isn't the kind of thing I just take lightly.
A: Jake, I'm not that great, c'mon, you make me sound like--
J: Remember in your letter when you said you knew for a fact I didn't grasp what I was capable of and who I'd become? Well I believe that, because that door goes both ways.
A: This...
A: You're...
J: (quivering voice) I wish you could believe me when I say that you will thank me for this one day.
A: (crying) I believe that that is what you believe... I think it's stupid. I don't see why you can't just give us a chance. Why do you have to make it so... Why can't we just see?
J: I'm selfish. I'm the bad guy here. I know it. I feel guilty when we're together. Everyday you spend with me is a day you wont be spending with whoever Heavenly Father really has in store for you.
A: That's not how it works.
J: You know what I mean.
J: Andrea, you don't want me.
A: Yes. I do.
J: Well... I...
A: Did you pray about it?
J: Like crazy. There's no way I would've made this decision without praying.
A: I don't believe you.
J: And we're back to the root of the problem.
A: Well?
J: I know. I know this really sucks.
A: What if we just take a month to see if we can make this work?
J: I don't think that's a good idea. I'm not going to change Andrea... anytime soon.
A: You don't get it! I don't need you to change Jake.
J: I need to change though.
A: Just one month. I really think if you would have told me a month ago that you were feeling this way that we'd be together right now.
J: How about one month where we don't see or talk to each other at all? That makes just as much sense, if we can't live with out each other for that month, then we'll know.
A: You're such a jackass!
J: (light laughter)
A: What are you laughing at! This is--
J: (laughing) I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just never heard you swear before. It sounded funny.
A: (amused) I never do it. It felt weird. You just make me so mad sometimes.
J: I like making you laugh.
A: I'm not laughing (laughs)
A: ...jackass
A: We're not getting anywhere are we?
J: One day you'll see. Trust me I am the smartest man who ever lived. I know that I'm right about this.
A: You're an idiot.
J: I know.
A: I'm calling you in one month.
J: You'll be married in a month.
A: You are seriously impossible.

Andrea and I continued talking for a while. We left on pretty good terms. It seemed that she walked away thinking we were taking a month off while I walked away thinking that we will both truly move on to something else.


Monday, October 26, 2009

Plan B

Jake and I decided early on that we would try really hard not to view this blog as a competition between the two of us. We are both individuals and we do our own things and think our own thoughts and there are bound to be some people who like Jake better than me and there are probably a few of our readers who like me more than Jake. But, like I said, it's not a competition. I still can't help but look at his 100+ comments on the last post and think, "Holy crap. How am I ever gonna beat that?" I guess I could tell a story about how Jake's mom walked in on me when I was naked a few months ago. Or maybe I could hide a video camera and record myself kissing Nick's little sister and then upload the video to this blog. That would be awesome (but I have to convince her to go out with me first).

I just keep telling myself over and over as I stare at the ceiling in my room, trying to fall asleep, that this is NOT a competition. It's hard, though. Jake never obviously rubs it in, but whenever he logs on to our blog or something, I'll watch him out of the corner of my eye. He'll raise his eyebrows and then mumble just loud enough for me to hear, "Whoa... 26 more comments in the last half hour." The whole Andrea thing has really done some damage to his sexual prowess (Harper aside) and I think the only thing keeping him from working the streets and turning tricks to boost his self esteem is probably the comments on his blog post. I'm not going to take that away from him. Poor savage.

I'm sure that everyone out there is biting there fingernails in anticipation. "Calvin! Please stop rambling about Jake. Tell us how your date with Tori went. Was she cute? Is she really a cheerleader like your dad said? Did she nibble on your ear during the scary parts of the Haunted House?" Well, my dad called me from work on Friday and told me that Tori had called in sick with "flu-like symptoms".

When he told me that, I'll admit I had a mixture of emotions. I was disappointed that the date was probably off, but I was also relieved. I was feeling a significant amount of pressure. I mean... seriously? I was going on a first date with Tori and all of her friends. Like one hot chick (presumably) isn't intimidating enough. I was expected to flirt with and entertain 6-12 BYU cheerleaders at a Haunted House, by myself. And what if I really DID get scared? I don't normally, but what if I did? Have you ever seen The Changeling? Remember that part with the seance and the video camera is whipping around the inside of that huge house? Meanwhile you hear that dead kids voice saying "My father!... My Rooooom!" Geez. If they had a re-enactment of that scene, I'd probably crap my pants. Literally.

So anyway, I went up to my dad's house last night with a bottle of Tropicana Twister and a small card. I told him to leave them on Tori's desk so she'd get it this morning when she got to work. Was that a stupid move since I've never even met her and she canceled on our first date? Lance thinks so. In fact, I think his exact words were, "You're gay." But Jake, Nick and Aaron all thought it was a good idea as long as the card wasn't lame.

I wrote:

"Sorry you got the Swine Flu. It's a good thing you canceled cause I really didn't want your puke in my mouth."

Just kidding. C'mon! If you seriously believed that I'd write that, then you don't know me as well as you thought. This is what I really wrote:

"You canceled cause of the Swine Flu? How cliche. I expect to see a dr.'s note when we finally go on our date. Don't worry though. I had a great time at the Haunted House with your friends. I think your short blonde friend likes me... like... more than a friend."

Anyway. No text from her yet this morning, but for all I know, she's taking today off from work as well. I guess I'm forced to go to Plan B... which is to actually ask her out myself.


Friday, October 23, 2009

The Letter

Calvin put up that poll a few days ago about posting actual correspondence on our blog, because he had this funny email string he had with some chick that he was planning on blogging about.

Little did either of us know when that poll ended that I would receive the letter from Andrea in the mail today. I nervously tore open the puffy envelope to find inside, 5 handwritten pages. It smelled like Andrea. It was not good. Not good at all. Halfway through the second page I was crying. Andrea is taking this far harder than I thought possible.

When Calvin got home and after the other guys left for the night we had some lengthy discussion about how to handle the letter. Post it as is? Transcribe it? Summarize it? Calvin is nervous that Andrea might see it and expose us.

My eyes were swollen, and I wasn't stoked for my date tonight anyway so I canceled (it wasn't Harper, her names Dana. She's the chorister in our ward) I decided I would stay home and think on the contents of Andrea's gift. I guess I wanted to stay home and blow up pity balloons... you know, wallow in misery and all that.

We decided to sleep on whether or not to post the letter. So Calvin left to go pick up his date. Being home all by myself, the pity party has been super lame. So, throwing caution to the wind as I do, I decided to post the letter right now. The answer, to the first question you will have after you read the letter, is me, saying with a sad face, "I don't know" and shaking my head.

Straining those pretty eyes trying to read the pages?
You may click on each page and it will blow up. :)

Not like "explode" but as in get larger, like when you
"blow up" a balloon... like perhaps a pity balloon :(

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Leaky Lynn

It's funny how easy it is to talk to girls when they're at my house and how extremely hard it is to talk to girls on the phone. Actually, it's not funny at all. It's kind of sad and depressing.

I'm a "pacer", as well. Like, I can't just sit in the recliner in our front room and call a girl. I've tried to do that, but my legs are bouncing... I'm constantly rearranging my position in the chair or on the couch... I'll get distracted by something that's going on in the kitchen. I just can't do it. The easiest way for me to have a telephone conversation with a girl I'm interested in, is to pace.

Ideally, I'll call a girl in the evening while I'm home. I don't like my roommates to hear me stuttering through awkward conversations, so I'll usually go outside and pace up and down the street in front of my house. It's so much more relaxing to me than trying to hold still.

Well, I wanted an excuse to talk to Tori this morning so I decided to call my dad. Pacing is hard when I'm calling a girl from my office, I learned. Unfortunately, I didn't think about it before I initiated my phone call. Luckily, I had chosen to call from my cell phone instead of the phone in my office, so I wasn't restricted by a telephone cord. When Tori answered, "How may I direct your call?" I realized that my office wasn't big enough to get a healthy "pace" going on. I identified myself by using my first, middle and last name, which works amazingly well as a conversation starter in situations like that.

C: Is this Tori?
T: Yes. How may I help you?
C: Hello Tori. This is Calvin Lynn Marler. How are you today?
T: Well, I'm doing just great Calvin Lynn Marler. (giggling) Is that really your middle name?

(it worked, conversation was underway)

C: Yes, it is. I didn't tell anyone about it for a while cause I didn't like it, but I've decided recently that I should try harder to really OWN it, you know?
T: ( still giggling) I think it's adorable. What didn't you like about it?
C: My grandpa used to call me Leaky Lynn when I was six or seven cause I still wet the bed. It's possible that I've just been in a constant state of embarrassment for the last 15 years and so I've avoided saying it aloud. I'm getting better though.
T: You don't still wet the bed, do you?
C: Yeah, right, Tori? Do you really think I'm gonna answer that? I'm not gonna make THAT mistake again.
T: (laughing) Well, I'm glad you learned your lesson. (more laughing, which I'm really digging) Your dad didn't tell me how funny you were.
C: He didn't? That's strange cause I don't have that many good qualities. What DID he tell you?
T: He just told me about your abs. I didn't hear anything he said after that. I just kept picturing old ladies washing their dirty laundry on your washboard abs.

(Normally this would have freaked me out, but I don't have visible abs so I knew she was joking. I'm sure I HAVE abs... somewhere under my well-groomed and recently trimmed chest and belly hair)

C: Oh. Well, good. I'm glad my dad is so open with his son's muscle tone.
T: (giggle again) Do you need to talk to him, by the way?
C: That depends on if you're done flirting with me.
T: What? I wasn't flirting.
(deep breath)
C: Tori... I think we both know that you were about to ask me out for the weekend, but you decided against it cause it's Thursday and you didn't want me to know that you didn't already have plans.
T: (laughing harder) Oh really? Is that what was about to happen?
C: I'm pretty sure it was, Tori. I'm pretty perceptive that way.
T: Well, actually, I was going to go to a Haunted House with some of my girlfriends, but it would be great if we had at least ONE guy there to keep us safe.
C: That sounds like it would be really fun. I DO get kind of scared in those things though... but I'll do my best.

We talked for a little while longer and eventually exchanged phone numbers and she told me that she'd let me know when everyone was meeting on Saturday.

When she asked again if I wanted to talk to my dad, I told her that I didn't need to talk to him, after all. She giggled again and said, "Well, ok then." I'm pretty sure she knows that I only called to talk with her.

So even though I didn't actually ask her out, technically, I still feel pretty good. I was able to steer the conversation to where it needed to go without really putting myself on the line. I was able to get a date without actually risking rejection. It was harder than I thought it would be, but maybe it'll be easier next time.


ps When I hung up the phone about 45 minutes ago, I realized I was in the park across the street from my building. Apparently, I had left my office, walked down the hall, rode the elevator down, left through the front doors, crossed the busy street and ended up in the park. I don't remember doing any of that.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The rest of the story

previously on:
Confessions From A Mormon Bachelor Pad

I realized she was pretty much laying across me. One of my hands was on her side and the other on her thigh. She had a hand on my shoulder and on my stomach. Her face was about an inch away from mine, and her eyes were saying exactly what she was about to do.

Harper leaned in, but I glanced past her at the game, and she stopped. The Angels (who I'm only rooting for because I hate the Yankees) had just gotten their 3rd out. There Harper was, ready to give me that kiss that I should have just taken on her doorstep that first night. And I was ingoring her briefly for a baseball game, poor girl. Then once that 3rd out in the 6th inning happened I figured the game was already over, the chances of the Angels coming back were slim to none.

My attention drifted back to Harper. She was staring at my mouth her face still incredibly close to mine. I remembered coming to the decision earlier that I was NOT going to kiss her. I started to remind myself why, and Harper interupted with, "Is there a problem?" I don't know where on Earth my answer came from but I immediately said, "I have a beautiful girl lying in my lap an inch away from my face... I don't see how there could be a problem?" She grinned a little. I was a bit shocked at how silly that sounded, but she ate it up.

I smiled back, and she went for my neck. I love it when a girl kisses my neck. It was a huge turn on, and for the first time that night I became aroused. I thought, why did I decide not to kiss her again? For a while my brain just didn't work. I tried to think of reasons, but the only thing that ended up happening was me thinking about thinking. The neck kissing was the last straw.

I grabbed Harper by the back of the neck, ( here, in the span of a nano second I remembered Andrea. I remembered Harper's craziness and likelyhood of becoming a stalker. The thought actually ran through my head that this girl was throwing herself at me right now and how unfair to her it would be to deny her. Then I thought, there's no pros and cons to be weighed here. There is a girl in my lap, a pretty one at that, who was freckling my neck with kisses despite the stubble. A girl who I wanted to kiss. Andrea and I were no more. I owed her nothing. I pulled Harper to me and kissed her. As we kissed my brain shut down from all thoughts besides kissing technique.

We made out during the last three innings of the game. Until about half an hour after when my roommates started arriving home. Harper was not as good a kisser as I was hoping. Her fun flirty disposition didn't transfer to her snog.

I walked her to her car and said goodbye. While I waited for her to drive off I felt bad. Not for kissing another girl besides Andrea. Not becuase Andrea worked with said girl and might find out. And not because we were horizontal on the couch and floor and couch and chair-and-a-half for the better part of an hour. No, I felt bad for Harper. I knew she liked me, and I also knew that now that we had kissed, that there was no longer ANY interest in her whatsoever.


Take That Jake Haters

Truthfully all I really wanted to do tonight was watch baseball. I had been text flirting with Becca for most of the afternoon up until now and figured continuing that plus a little baseball would make for a fulfilling evening. I grabbed some Wendy's, sat down in the empty house and started watching the game.

I was in for a big surprise when Harper showed up at my doorstep. She had another little box and a note. I hugged her in feigned excitement and invited Harper in. After all, I needed to see what gift she had brought me, and besides that, I never turn down the opportunity for some good conversation either.

After taking her coat, I said "I'm watching the baseball game tonight, want to join me for a bit?" She agreed and when I sat down on the couch next to her she handed me the box. The note on it said, "We miss you at work. Well, I miss you for sure... but I bet the rest do too. Don't be a stranger. XO Harper" Inside the box were a bunch of mini Halloween candies that I liked. I thanked Her, and we hugged again on the couch. She pulled away really slow, and stared at me, kind of um, for lack of a better word - longingly. It looked like a pretty standard yet overly forward green light. I commented about the game and asked her if she wanted a drink.

As I walked to the kitchen my thought process went as follows: --I can totally make out with Harper right now. --I don't exactly want to... do I? --Wait? Why don't I want to? --Oh right, she is hefting some serious emotional baggage. --If I kiss her I am basically inviting that baggage into my life. --She does look extra hot in her thin gray hoody thingy though. --I really hope the Angels pull through tonight to tie up the series. --Where are all my roommates anyway? --Harper is gonna want to talk through the whole game and I wont be able to text Becca. --It'll probably be good to end communication with Becca, it'll make her wonder what I'm doing and thinking when she doesn't hear from me. --Who the hell drank my last Mtn Dew? --Eff it, I'm drinking one of Calvins Dr. Thunders. --If Andrea found out at work that I made out with Harper it would probably hurt her. --I'm not going to make out with Harper.

We watched the game together and talked. She was flirting pretty hard though. Her hands were constantly on my thighs and shoulders. I moved to the floor to avoid too much snuggling and she gave me a shoulder massage, and played with my hair. I love that! She looked really cute too and I kept toying with the idea of kissing her. I also kept hoping one of my roommates would come home and kill the chance of anything happening.

At about the bottom of the 6th inning I was exclaiming my frustration with California's poor performance, when Harper lay her head on that spot between my right pectoral and shoulder and started gently rubbing my chest and arm. Out of habit I softly ran my finger tips up and down her forearm.

The honest to goodness truth about this moment was that I was completely into the game. The Angle's had runners on 1st and 2nd, and had no outs. They were down 6 to 1 so this seemed like their best chance. I was sucked in, so I honestly wasn't paying attention to how cuddly me and Harper's cuddling was getting. Then, idiot Jeter got a double play and I cried out, "Aaargh, I hate the Yankees! Fricking Jeter."

Harper, leaned up and put her face right in front of mine, She said in kind of a whispery high pitched voice, "Hey, I like Derek Jeter." This is the instant that I realized she was pretty much laying across me. One of my hands was on her side and the other on her thigh. She had a hand on my shoulder and on my stomach. Her face was about an inch away from mine, and her eyes were saying exactly what she was about to do.

WAIT - Before I get into what happened next. I wanted to address the many reader comments ragging on me since my break up with Andrea. Apparently, I am now a douche bag, a jerk, one so selfish that I can't even see outside my own interests. In addition to that, I am a complete lip whore... or so some believe.

However, I'm not exactly sure which blog it is that you people (those naysayers) are even reading. Since Calvin and I started writing this blog... and since I have been back home from my mission I have only kissed two girls. TWO! I dated Andrea for a month before our first kiss. Really a RM having kissed two girls in his first 6 months back is super duper crazy slutty!

I'm a big douche for dumping Andrea. I get it. I know. All my reasons were trite and selfish. Obviously, because what I wrote, about why I ended my relationship with Andrea, on my anonymous blog, that is anonymous so I can be honest, was all a total BS excuse. Deserve deshmerve right?

Sorry, needed to vent a little there, and that was not directed towards everyone, just everyone who has never made a questionable decision in their dating careers allowing them to be ultra critical of the decisions I make.

So, did I kiss Harper during the last three innings of the Yankee's vs Angel's playoff game...?

I'm not telling. That's right, hows that for "Douchey"? See, I don't know if the readers of this blog really want honesty. I think they want the candy coated stories of people with real names and faces. People they see at church, and hear about in their gossip sessions. Forget learning from mistakes, doing ones best, and supporting those that fail. You guys don't want confessions, you want Ommisions from a Mormon Bachelor Pad... or so it would seem with your heavy laden critisms and judgment passing.

Have a nice day. Calvin has already advised me to remove my tampon next time I make a post.


Sunday, October 18, 2009

Under Pressure

I go over to my parents house every other Sunday for dinner. All of my siblings are invited, but I'm the only one who consistently attends. It's usually a good time. We all sit around and catch up. Who's doing what... and who is Calvin dating, nowadays? You know. Stuff like that. My dad is my friend on Facebook so he's actually asking me about girls by name. That's kinda weird, by itself. My mom's scared of Facebook for some reason so she relies on my dad to fill her in on who's writing on my wall and what they're saying.

Last Sunday, I got to my parents house for dinner and I was the first one there. My dad and I were sitting in the front room talking about where I should go to get the back window of my totally bitchin' Chevy S-10 replaced. Then, out of nowhere he says, "Oh, hey... I've got something for you, Son." He goes into the dining room and grabs his brief case. He pulls out two pieces of paper stapled together and hands them to me.

I asked, "What's this?" to which he replied, "It's the resume of the new receptionist I was telling you about."

My dad had mentioned about a week before that he'd hired a new receptionist who he thought might be a good match for me. He'd brought it up a couple of times in casual conversation, but I didn't realize how serious he was about setting me up with her. I'm not sure what the policies are in his office, but I'm pretty sure that it's not ok to give out copies of the new hires' resumes. I figured he knew what he was doing so I looked it over. The first thing I noticed was that there was no photo attached. Blast! More employers should require an attached photo, I think.

Her name is Tori and her first job was at 15 years old. She worked at a Snow Shack. I thought it was a weird coincidence... I also worked at a Snowie when I was 15. I figured that we'd have at least ONE thing in common. She worked at a tanning salon from age 16 to 17. That was a good sign. I've been tanning a few times in my life and I've yet to see an ugly tanning salon employee. Then I noticed she had quit the tanning place and had come to work at my dads office. Then I looked at her birthday. She had barely turned 18. I realize I'm only 21, but 18 seems really young to me. I don't know why.

I told my dad something like, "Well, she looks good on paper. We'll have to see how she performs under pressure." I'm not really sure what I meant, but my dad thought it was pretty funny... and I always feel good when I'm able to make my dad laugh.

I called my dad on Friday and Tori answered (cell phone reception is very poor in my dads part of the building). I asked if Russ was available. Tori said, "May I tell him who's calling, please?" I didn't have a chance to think of anything witty. "It's Calvin. His son. It's his son, Calvin." "Oh, my goodness... this is the famous 'Calvin' I've been hearing so much about?" I reply, "No, actually. Probably not. This is Russ's son, Calvin. I'm not sure who you're thinking about."

"Oh, it's you, Calvin. It's definitely you." At this point, I started to blush. Literally, I was sitting in my truck, by myself, and all of the blood in my whole body was rushing to my face for absolutely no reason. I tried to be smooth. "Oh really? Well then..." I wasn't at my smoothness peak.

"So when are you going to come in here so I can meet you?" I almost soiled myself right then and there. "I'm not sure, Tori. (I find that using a girls name a few times in conversation early in a relationship can quickly move things to a more friendly yet intimate place) I guess it depends on the best time that I may accidentally run into you. Maybe you should give me the phone number to a couple of your friends so I can call them to find out when you work. Then all I have to do is think of a good excuse to come see my dad." I thought it was a pretty good line for improv. "Or you could just ask your dad when I work, right?" Foiled again. "Oh yeah. Right. Good call, Tori. Sometimes I get flustered when girls start asking me questions. In fact, I think I may have just blacked out." She giggled. She has an adorable laugh. That's pretty high up on my list of marriage criteria.

"Let me put you through to your dad, Calvin. Great to talk to you." Sigh. "You too, Tori. I'm sure we'll talk again soon." Duh. She answers the phone at my dad's work. I'd probably talk to her again in, like, 45 minutes. By the time I got through to my dad, I'd forgotten why I'd called.

Note to Readers: I normally write a few things out before I call a girl for the first time. Not, like, word-for-word stuff. Just a few topics of discussion, in case the conversation doesn't flow as well as I'd like. I felt like my first conversation with Tori went pretty well for absolutely no pre-planning.

I thought of something tonight, though. What if I date Tori for awhile and then things don't go well and I decide to stop dating her? It's gonna be hard to avoid and ignore her if she's answering the phone every time I call my dad.


Friday, October 16, 2009

Don't Text to Strangers

Andrea update: I successfully avoided her at work for the past week, (I know, I know, like a coward) I will no longer have to worry about that because I was laid off yesterday.

The weather has been so nice that this is probably the last week that I'll be able to ride my motorcycle before it ends up in the garage. So I drove it up to institute last night. Which was for the most part uneventful. None of my roommates came and I didn't see anyone I knew and wasn't feeling extremely outgoing.

When I got out to my bike to leave there was a sticky note on my gas tank. My first thought was, Uh oh, someone hit my bike. Luckily the note read, "I love a man on a motorcycle, text me cuz I'd love a ride." It was signed Judy, and had her phone number. I was curious to be sure. I thought, cute girls don't do this sort of thing, she must be desperate. Then it occurred to me that the confidence required to leave a note and phone number on a strangers bike might mean just the opposite. She could be extremely confident.

I rode home and mused further on the note. Things ran through my head like, "Where'd she get a sticky note anyway?" and "I'm not an attractive enough guy that girls just approach me, maybe this was a trick by someone. A roommate or someone from my ward at institute." I got home and decided to humor my curiosity... for all I knew this could be my future wife. So I texted her. Here is the conversation:

(I have not edited the spelling or grammar whatsoever, these are the actual texts. I thought about translating hers but I figured I'd let you have as much fun as I did. Tip: Reading them out loud helps)

JAKE: Hi, you accidentally left your sticky note on my bike.
JUDY: lol ya I sawu when I pulled in2 institute I wanted2 say hi butu wer gone soi left that note.
(it took me a minute to comprehend what I was reading, she sent another text before I had a chance to respond)
JUDY: Whats yr name
JAKE: Why it's Jake. Jake Sirname.
(about 12 minutes pass)
JUDY: Rad2 meetu Jake i sawa pic ofu nur really cute so that even makes it better
JAKE: Where'd you see a pic?
JUDY: I checkdu out on face book
JAKE: How do I see a pic of you?
JUDY: Il sendu some right now k
(I recieved 3 picture texts. She was brunette. The pictures were such, that her attractiveness could've gone either way. She was obviously taking the pictures herself, in the good ol' myspace kissy face pose from above. They were dimly lit and grainy, I couldn't make out a lot of feature details. I was hoping her pics would blow me away because in just the last 20 minutes that we were texting I was finding her text style extremely irritating. I mean I'm a bad speller and terrible at grammar, but at least I try. Her third picture was from the knees up. the pic was so tiny and grainy all it confirmed is that she wasn't fat. Possibilty of annoying? High. Possibility of fat? Low. They don't really cancel each other out... but I continued.)
JUDY: Sorryi dont takea very good pic idont look as much asa dork in person lol
(Lance and Nick came home and I regaled them with the nights events and about an hour went by while we talked and watched baseball.)
JUDY: Heyu where did ya go?
JAKE: Sorry, watching baseball. Got the pics, not too dorky. So tell me a bit about yourself?
(I then recieved a text which my phone automatically broke up into 5 texts!)
JUDY: Its cool sou like ball thats cool soil b29 nov7th im waitin4a job2 open up@ the u of u fora cardiology tech soi quit my job awhile back when my sister n her hubby hada baby he had2 go back2 work right away soi helped her outa lot soi live with my parents i had2 move ini couldnt afford rent without workin while i took care of my sis n her baby she was not well@ having ethan soi had2b their alot but alls good now soim hanging out waiting4a job2 open up iluv2b active workout camping dancing im gonna start taking acting classes iluv2 watch tv movies funny movies spooky ones2 iluv boating i wanna geta 4 wheeler really bad iluv2 talk alot get2 know other people get2 gether witha buncha people ndo whatever just hangout tell me@u
(I was reeling, there was no way this was real, Lance suggested that maybe Calvin was pulling one over on me. I read it outloud to the roomies and a couple of girls who came over to play Wii. Everyone agreed that IF she was real that I should at least meet her. She could be hot, and if not it would be a good story. I again didn't respond for about an hour.)
JUDY: so tell me@u
(after 20 mins with no response)
JUDY: so tell me@u
(another 5 minutes)
JUDY: Heyu where didu go? tell me @u
(About then Calvin arrived home. He assured me it wasn't him. While I was telling him the story I got two more texts)
JUDY: didu go2 bed?
(after 10 minutes)
JUDY: heyu its only 11 ru in bed if yr not tell me@u
(I decided right there that that was it, I was not going to meet this girl she was clearly a fruit cake. However my audience begged me to continue the conversation and I obliged them.)
JAKE: About me. I'm 21, stunning in blue, I like Sour Patch Kids, the smell of gasoline, and I love soccer...
JUDY: i luv soccer very much so dou play soccer2 id luv2 watchu play what dou do4 work? send me some pics ofu?
JAKE: There's like a 100 pics on facebook?
JUDY: I dont have an account on face book soi cant c all yr pics so takea pic with yr phone silly n wear sumthin blue
JAKE: Ha ha, my phone doesn't have a camera. (LIE)

JUDY: Suck so when ru going2 take me for a ride withu on ur hot bike
JAKE: I'm winterizing it tomorrow, too bad, we will have to wait till spring. I'll talk to you then.
JUDY: lol right yr going to wait2 spring o ur so funny
(I was done. I had a headache from translating her gibberish into English and felt I had sufficiently entertained my roommates and guests. She sent me 6 more texts that night, asking where I was and stuff. I changed her number in my phone to "Don't Answer4")


Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Beauty and the Ball-less

I'm not the ballsiest person in the world. In fact, I'm pretty much the complete opposite of ballsy. I think I've asked a girl for her phone number twice in my whole entire life... and I can't really remember the first one. Maybe it was too traumatic or something.

If girls come to my house, I'm more confident. I have a reason to walk up to them and introduce myself. I can say, "Hey, I'm Calvin. I'm one of the guys who lives here. Are you in our ward? Who are you here with?" or something of that nature. I never walk up to girls in ANY other situation and introduce myself like that. Never. I don't dare. I honestly fear rejection that much. The only thing I fear more is confrontation... of the feminine kind.

So all of the roommates went to see Zombieland on Monday night. We'd been talking about seeing it for a while, and finally decided to skip FHE and go see it as a big group of manly men. We got to the theatre about 45 minutes early because Jake was sure he knew when it started, but he was way off. They were cleaning the theatre when we got there, but we were able to get in and get our seats about 35 minutes before the movie started.

After sitting there for about 5 minutes, I decided I was going to get a really gay-sounding and gay-looking Movie Meal. You know... those kids sized boxes with a two-swallow drink, a handful of popcorn and a bite-sized Airhead for $5? Well, as I'm walking out of the theatre I pass a group of girls who are on their way in to see Zombieland. They're all pretty cute, but I notice one girl with dark hair (Brunette) who appears to really be checking me out. To be honest, her friends might have been cuter, but I didn't notice any of them because it was THIS girl who appeared to be interested. After I passed her, I decided to do one last over-the-shoulder glance just to check out her butt as best I could in a dimly lit theatre. Instead of checking out her butt, I totally catch her looking over her shoulder at me. Busted.

While I'm out in the lobby buying my cozy little personal snack, I start to get nervous. I realize I'm going to be walking back into the theatre and will probably see Brunette again. Will I pretend I'm not looking for her? Should I obviously look for her and then smile when I finally see her... assuming she's also looking for me? I don't know. But what I DID know is that I suddenly didn't want my Movie Meal anymore.

When I got into the theatre I noticed that Brunette was sitting with her friends two rows in front of my roommates. She and I make eye contact again and then she looks at her friends. As I approach my roommates, I notice them all looking down at the girls and then back up at me. As I sit down and rest my morsels of deliciousness on my lap, I hear the girls busting up laughing and trying to sneakily peek over their shoulders at us. My ego deflates slightly as I realized Brunette was probably more interested in Lance or Aaron or Nick or something. Then Jake leaned over and whispered "While you were gone, that brunette was telling her roommates how sexy you were."

Brunette had no idea that she was sitting in front of my friends. She must have thought I was there with a date or another group of friends sitting elsewhere in the theatre. I wish I could tell you that I was excited. I'm sure there WAS excitement mixed in there somewhere in the middle of my dominant emotion... which was petrifiedness.

The whole movie, Brunette kept turning around to look at me. Without fail, as soon as she looked back at the screen, either Jake on my left or Lance on my right would tell me that I absolutely must get her phone number after the movie. I wasn't really able to pay much attention to the movie. It really kind of blew cause it looked like everyone else was enjoying it.

After the movie ended and credits started to roll, the pressure started to build. All of my roommates were telling me to just go down and talk to her. I was stalling on purpose, but I sincerely wanted to experiment a little bit outside my comfort zone.

Just then, all of the girls stood up and started to walk out. Jake pretty much yanked me out of my chair. I shook him off and said something like, "I need to do this on my own guys. " I took three deep breaths as I watched them round the corner and start walking down that ramp toward the theatre exit.

I walked quickly behind them, but as I got closer I realized how embarrassing it was going to be to initiate a conversation with Brunette while all of her friends were standing there listening. I wasn't able to catch them until we were out in the hall across from the restrooms. I cleared my throat when I was about 8 feet or so behind them. One of the blond girls turned around and saw me. I smiled. She tapped Brunette on the shoulder who then turned and saw me smiling. Then, just like in the movies, the other girls kept walking while Brunette stopped to wait for me. It was like poetry. This is what I said, as closely as I can remember, "I've never done this before and I'm sure that sounds lame, but my friends could tell I was checking you out and it appeared to them that maybe you were looking at me as well. Well, really I decided that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I let you walk out of here without me talking to you and maybe getting your phone number or something so we can hang out or go on a date sometime." Brunette smiled and said, "Of course." She reached into her bag and got a pen and wrote her number on her movie stub. I said, "Thank you so much. This is awesome. Sorry it took me so long." I started to turn but then she said, "Who are you going to ask for?" I said, "What?" Then she said again, "When you call that number, who are you going to ask for?" I realized that I hadn't even asked her name or told her my own. "I'm so sorry. I'm Calvin." I stuck out my hand like a freakin' missionary. "I'm Marie. Talk to you soon." Then she turned and walked away.

I heard someone say, "Nice!". I turned around and saw all of my roommates standing just outside the theatre door like a bunch of idiots. But I got her number.


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Finding, Dating, and Marriage Pools

The last few days since ending things with Andrea have been rough. I'm not going to complain anymore than the previous sentence though, because I do realize I brought this all on myself and am getting what I deserve.

In the form of a teeny update, Andrea has tried to call me twice and sent me a text or two everyday until today. Today she didn't send me anything. I have not responded mostly because I just don't know what to say and partly because I'm afraid if I do that I'll just end up crawling back to her. Her basic message thus far seems to be that we need to talk, and that she thinks I have made a mistake. I have decided to try to move on even though my motivation is pretty low right now. I do miss Andrea and wish it had been different.

In the interest of moving on, I have decided to enlist some of the training that I got on my mission and apply it to my dating cause. When on a mission there are three major pools that you work your investigators through. The first is the finding pool (in my post mission application I will still call this the "finding pool"), then the teaching pool ("dating pool"), and then finally the baptism pool ("marriage pool").

The finding pool is the largest pool in the group. It covers people that you haven't even met yet. In Ireland, on days where we decided to work our finding pool we would go to the town center and stop people on the street, or we would go tracting door to door, or visit less-active members. Pretty much anyone we talked to that day about the gospel was then added to our finding pool. We would make sporadic contact with them until they were ready to be moved into the teaching pool.

Since I was semi-serious with Andrea over the last three months, I have just been throwing every girl I meet into my finding pool. Including, but not limited to, the "chesty" chorister in my ward that I'm certain makes eyes at me during hymns. The blond that sits across from me in Macro Economics that always seems to find an excuse to ask me a question. The receptionist at my Grandma's nursing home that has twice taken the liberty of revealing far too much about her ex-boyfriend to be a coincidence. Along with a myriad of other girls that may or may not make it into the next pool.

The teaching pool very obviously comprises all the people we were teaching the discussions to. From those receiving the first lesson to those being interviewed for baptism. The teaching pool is the one a missionary spends most his time focusing on. A good missionary does not neglect his finding pool because he'll need to keep feeding his teaching pool, but probably 80% of his time is spent on teaching.

Again, because of my pseudo commitment to Andrea, my dating pool is pretty bleak at the moment. I pretty much have Harper, who I've told you about. Holly, the girl in our ward who has shamelessly informed me that she has a giant crush on me. And, Renee, a sister from my mission that I have a little bit of history with.

However, Harper is a bit of a loon. Holly has braces and shorter hair than me, which by themselves aren't unattractive, but combined with her overall average looks makes her altogether unattractive. And, Renee, she lives in friggin Cedar City, that's a little far to go to see someone on a regular basis.

With prospects like these three girls, it's similar to when a missionary moves into a new city and the teaching pool is kind of stagnant and has just some of the same old people in it. Just like I would have done on my mission, I am going to relegate these girls from my dating pool into my finding pool for now and see what happens later on.

(side note: I only put a link to the definition of "relegate" because Calvin was certain with his vast understanding of the English language that if he didn't know its definition, that you, our readers wouldn't know it. He tried to get me to change it, so I appeased him by putting in a link that would not only help some people learn a new word, but would also allow me to mock him for his maternal spelling and grammar nagging.)

So, what was once known as the "baptism pool" is now called my "marriage pool". Unlike the mission, in a romantic relationship there can be only one that moves into the marriage pool, because, as you probably all know, Polygamy was done away with a few years ago. Unless you follow Warren Jeffs, or take the HBO series "Big Love" a little too seriously.

I sat down today and decided that there were a few girls I already know I want to move from my Finding Pool into my Dating Pool. I recognize that I am pretty much basing my excitement over any given girl in my Finding Pool off of her attractiveness for the most part. Shallow? Perhaps.

I guess I could take the time to deeply and thoroughly get to know all of the girls while still in my Finding Pool, and then, based off of their personality and finer qualities, pick one of them to date and move them into my Dating Pool. This would probably result in the dreaded "hang-out and make-out" friendships that I hear so many girls complaining about. However, I actually like dating, and going on dates. So, it seems to me a more prudent idea is to date a couple of them at a time while getting to know them.

So yesterday, I sent a mass text out to each girl in my Finding Pool (seven of them) that said, "What you doing?" to try and strike up a conversation and kind of "feel out" where I stood with each one. They all responded, and I had fairly decent flirty textersations with each of them.

Textersation of the day was with Becca. Becca is roommates with a girl that Lance makes out with every couple of weeks without ever taking her out. Becca has more respect for herself, she's cuter than her roommate (I think), and she's funny. Here's how it went:

J: What you doing?
B: Not much, just sitting in class. What are you doing?
J: Just got a Jamba, heading home. How's class? Exciting?
B: Ha ha...? Always!!
B: Ok there wasn't supposed to be a question mark. :)
J: Oh, phew! I was sitting here thinking you didn't think I was funny.
B: No, I just don't pay attention to what I write until after I send it for some reason. :)
J: Who do you think is sexier? Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker.
B: Ha ha ha... That is an easy one!! Bruce!!
J: Really?
B: Heck yes!! Way Hotter, and Richer! And he would probably know more tricks in bed. ;)
J: Ah, I see what's important. Compared to Peter though he's kind of a player, gets around, is afraid of commitment... no problems there?
B: As long as I didn't get killed by someone trying to get to him, or get herpes we're good.
J: Ha ha ha! You're bomb.
B: Ha ha ha... Thanks!
J: Have fun in class, catch you later.

I decided to stop there, and wait until later to ask her out, but I think Becca will definitely be one I'll try and get comfy with in my Dating Pool. Furthermore, in the interest of continuing to apply my mission training to dating I have decided to set goals. My goal now will be, I hope to have at least three girls in my actual Dating Pool before Thanksgiving.


Saturday, October 10, 2009

Nick Has

One of MBP's "regulars" not-so-subtly suggested that if Jake or I didn't have a story to share, maybe we should opt to dedicate a post to Nick (since he's relatively unknown) instead of waxing philosophical about our opinions on sexual definitions. (Thanks, Blazzer... you dork face.) Point taken, my friend.

Nick plays a very big part in the MBP dynamic. He's relatively soft-spoken, but the chicks really dig him. I haven't really been able to figure out why. He's short, but pretty buff. Proportionately, he's the most muscular guy in the house. I'm trying to think of someone to compare him to. Ok, if you ever watch World Extreme Cagefighting, then you know who Urijah Faber is. Well, Nick is like Urijah except not quite as buff and without a butt-chin. Also, Nicks hair is shorter... like military short. Nick also laughs a lot. He's not the funniest guy in the world, but you know he has a great sense of humor because he laughs at all of the best jokes. He has a high-pitched laugh, as well, so that might also increase his female magnetism.

For a while, I thought that girls just looked at him like he was a lovable teddy bear or maybe a really cute cousin that they were allowed to kind of flirt with, but that's it. No kissing or necking allowed. Recently, I found out that Nick gets more action than I do. For some reason, if Nick and I do something equally offensive, I get dirty looks and groans, but Nick gets eyes batted at him followed by a late night smooch session.

I'm sure most of you have played the game "I Never", but I'll sum up the objective. Chairs and sofas are arranged in a circle so there are only enough seats for everyone, minus one. Kind of like a musical chairs scenario. The person standing in the middle of the room says something like, "I've never seen any television on DVD." Then, everyone who HAS seen TV on DVD must jump up and quickly sit in a different place. The person in the middle will also try to get a seat, leaving another individual standing in the middle of the room.

We play that game pretty often in our house, but we've discovered recently that it's also a good opportunity to reveal secrets about other people. If you've played this game, I'm sure you do the same thing. It gets pretty funny. For example, last night we were playing this game and I ended up in the middle. I looked around the room and noticed that three girls were present who had all made out with Aaron at different times over the last few months. So I said, "I've never made out with Aaron." I watched as these three girls slowly stood up while staring at each other and meandered to new seats. Everyone thought it was funny... except those three girls, of course.

Well, eventually, Jake gets into the middle and says, "I've never ran naked to the mailbox and back in the middle of the night on a dare." Then he immediately looks at Nick. Nick starts to blush and walks to the middle of the room while Jake moseys over to his vacant seat. I watched everyone laughing and then I observed at least two, but I'm pretty sure there were three, different girls looking at Nick from head to toe as he walked to the middle of the room. I noticed their gazes pausing for longer than necessary in the region between his naval and his knees. I thought, "Those girls are totally picturing his junk."

Nick stood in the middle of the room for about 20 seconds just "hmmm"ing like he couldn't think of what he was going to say. All the while, these hot girls are checking him out and totally light petting him in their minds. Then Nick thinks of something and it was exactly what I was hoping for.

"I've never climbed our peach tree naked in the middle of the night on a dare..." it was me... we had both taken similar dares a few days ago in the middle of the night. It was my turn to walk to the middle and let the girls check me out. Except then Nick finished his sentence, "... and then scraped my wiener on a branch as I climbed down." He started walking toward me even though I had decided I didn't want to get up anymore. All of the girls were looking at me in disgust... like the mental image Nick had given them was the most obscene and vile thing they had ever heard.

I got up slowly and went to the middle of the room, but the game stopped being fun for me after that. Nick and I took similar dares on Thursday night. Mine resulted in an injury that I didn't ever want to talk about... so I didn't. Nick did. Nick was the one who brought it up. Not me. For the first time in a long time, I was considerate of our mixed gender guests and chose to keep it to myself. So why was Nick the one who got to make out last night with one of the hottest girls in our singles ward?


Friday, October 9, 2009

Goodbye Andrea

Andrea and I have had tickets to see this play, "Curtain's" at the Hale Center Theater for nearly a month. The show was tonight, and I figured it was a better idea to wait until after the show.

Prior to picking Andrea up, I tried to prepare myself for what I was about to do. In my mind it was going to go like this: I would pick her up and we would go get some dinner around 6. Then we would go watch the play. Then I would tell her that I had something to talk to her about. Then we would go to the playground by her house, and I would explain to her how I was feeling and that we shouldn't see each other anymore.

I was pretty nervous. I had broken up with girls before, but never had I wanted so badly for the girl I was breaking up with to not be hurt. I really think she is amazing. I really do care about her (despite what many readers of this blog have said) For the past two days all I've been thinking is how to end things and have her be okay.

On my way to her house I stopped at the grocery store and bought a dozen white roses. I wrote on a little card, "You're the most amazing person I know, your influence will be with me forever." Now that I am writing it out in this post, it sounds so lame... but at the time it seemed like such a good idea. Like it would help to prove that I cared or something... Anyway, I put the roses in my trunk so I could decide whether or not to use them later.

I picked up Andrea, and from then on the evening went pretty much exactly like it did in my head. After the show, which I wasn't able to pay any attention to whatsoever, Andrea grabbed my arm while we walked to my car and said, "Now what?" I knew what I had planned to say but then I looked at her and she was beaming with that perfect smile of her's. Suddenly I thought the playground was a terrible idea. We had too many good memories there. And really, if I'm being honest I didn't want to make eye contact for prolonged periods either. I realized then, looking at her smiling face, that I was petrified. So I made a quick ammendment to the plan and said, "Lets go for a drive. I have something I need to talk to you about."

Driving made me feel a little bit more comfortable because I was in control of the eye contact. I would be able to look away for most of the conversation without an excuse. I could also look at her if I felt I needed to see her reaction to something. In theory it was all very good. Unfortunately, it took me almost 40 minutes to muster the testicular fortitude to bring up what I was really there to do. We had driven in a meandering sort of way all the way from Hale up to Wasatch Boulevard. Conversation with Andrea was always easy, so I don't think she even noticed there was anything going on. I made an odd turn and got sort of lost, hit a dead end and had to turn around. I decided that I needed to put myself out of my misery and just do it. So in the third of my four point turn I said, "I think maybe that we should stop seeing each other."

The car was stopped and we were looking at each other. I'll bet 10 seconds passed but it seemed like forever. Her mouth was open and she made a face I had never seen her make. I think it was her "shock and disbelief" face.

She started to talk and I looked away and started driving (phew, for that idea)

ANDREA: You what?
JAKE: I just think that we should step back a couple notches.
ANDREA: ...What? ...Why?

I knew this was coming and I had practiced my response in my mind plenty. I spent the next 5 minutes giving her my dissertation about how amazing I thought she was and how I was feeling inferior and about what I thought she deserved. As the words were coming out of my mouth I felt like my explanation was top notch. I half expected her to just agree with me and say something like, "What a relief, want to stop and get a slurpee before you drop me off for the last time." That isn't exactly how it went.

ANDREA: Why didn't you tell me you were feeling this way? What happened to all this "communication" you're always talking about?
JAKE: I, I couldn't very well just constantly be telling you "you're more righteous than me"

I took that opportunity to see what her reaction was, I could see that she wasn't crying, but her eyes glistened in the street lights, and I realized she was tearing up.

ANDREA: So if I am hearing you right. If I understand you. You think that I deserve someone who is better than you?
JAKE: I don't think that Andrea, I know it.
ANDREA: Bull crap... ...What is it really? Is this some twisted way to let me down easy? Have I done something wrong? Am I no fun? Is there someone else?
JAKE: No! No no no! You are the greatest... so great, that I am not good enough for you. Seriously this isn't about you. You're perfect. You're too perfect.
ANDREA: (she raised her voice a little) This is so stupid. You are being soooo stupid! What do you know about what I deserve?
JAKE: I, I... (I didn't know what to say)
ANDREA: (she started sniffling) Do you actually hear what you are saying? You are saying that in order for you to be happy that you will need to settle for something less. You are choosing to settle? ... And you expect me to believe that?
JAKE: Andrea, I have been going crazy over the last little while thinking that I am dragging you down. Or that I will eventually, I don't know what else to do. All I know is that I can't feel this way anymore, let alone forever.

Andrea started to cry. I had started the drive back to her house and we still had about 10 minutes. I looked at her a couple of times, and she was looking out the other window crying. I started crying.

ANDREA: This is so stupid. I think you're wrong. I don't want to be without you. I think you are a great person. "Deserve" doesn't have anything to do with anything. (She started crying a little more) I'm not as good as you think.

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I thought about changing my mind... apologizing... I hadn't cried in front of a girl I was in a relationship with... well ever. I felt a little bit confused. I thought that maybe I was making a mistake. Then, I just remembered my feelings of inferiority...

JAKE: No one can see the future. Who knows what will happen. I just need to step back for a while.
ANDREA: Stupid stupid stupid. You're being selfish. No matter how you've made this seem like the right thing to do, it's stupid! It's the wrong thing to do. So you're dumping me. I'm dumped.
JAKE: (I pulled into her driveway) I care about you more than you know. I'm serious. Maybe you'll thank me one day. Maybe I'm making the biggest mistake of my life... I'm just trying to be honest with myself, and with you.
ANDREA: You're dumping me?
JAKE: Yes.

We were both crying. She opened her door, she turned to say something, but stopped herself and got out. I followed and said, "Can the moron get one last hug?" She looked at me and waited. We held each other and sobbed... this was a totally new experience for me. I don't think I had even cried in front of my mom once in the last 10 years. She whispered, "Don't do this." "I replied, "I have to. I'm sorry." She pulled out o the hug, and stood there looking at me.

I quickly handed her the roses. She looked confused... (at the time the roses seemed like a good idea, but now even an hour later I can't believe how lame!) I got into my car and she just stood there watching me. I drove away, and when I turned the corner I could still see her standing in the driveway.

I cried like a baby all the way home... I'm still a little choked up right now. In spite of the tears, I think I did the right thing. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be, but I'm pretty sure she's better off.


Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Some bands suck... but still have a point

I grew up in Seattle. My family moved to Utah when I was 17 years old. I frequently get to make trips back to Seattle and I get to see my friends there. On my last trip in May of this year I showed up to my old Ward and I was amazed to discover my closest friend from High School sitting on the stand in the Bishops seat. My friend Joel was 6 months older then me. He was only 22 for 3 days when he received the call to be Bishop. I thought this was insane, I definitely have no aspirations to be in Joel's position at any age, let alone so young... However, I sat there and realized if it were to ever happen to any person it would be my friend Joel.

Joel was an outstanding individual. He was righteous to be sure. I had never heard him swear or say a rude or demeaning thing about another person. Growing up he was a leader, not just in our little Ward, but in our school and our community.

We grew up in what most would consider a pretty bad part of town. When I tell people from the Seattle area where I went to High School those from Seattle's suburbs always refer to it as the "Black High School." Though I had never heard it called that until I moved away I could see why people made the reference. In my high school if you were white you were either Mormon or a recent immigrant from Boznia or Russia. The African American population was huge, there were also a large number of Chinese students. (this will explain my jungle & yellow fever, which will undoubtable become more aparent as this blog continues) There were even more hispanic kids in my High School than white ones which in Seattle is a stretch. There were a lot of low income families where we lived and crime and poor morals were the norm while I was growing up. You can imagine my culture shock arriving in Utah and attending Brighton High School in Sandy.

Anyway, back to my friend Joel. Joel was our High School's student body president. Everybody loved him. Everybody. If I could figure out one word to describe him it would be "Christlike." One time in High School Joel and I were walking from gym class and Shawn Murray, the biggest gang member in our school was walking by. Shawn was a year older then us and a known drug dealer. His best friend had recently died of a cocaine overdose and his older brother was in prison for stabbing someone at a birthday party 2 years ago. I had seen him on more than one occasion with a gun. He was the guy nobody messed with.

Shawn looked right at us and said, "Jesus is a #@$%ing lie. If he was around today he'd be tokin and shootin up jus like eve-one else. #@$% Jesus." I was 16, I was a little offended but Shawn was at least a foot taller than me, and at least 100 lbs heavier than me, and getting beat up wasn't the worst thing that could happen. I remember looking at Joel and the look on his face was one of extreme pain. He was seriously offended. Joel started walking towards Shawn. Three steps behind I followed him. Joel said, "Shawn..." Shawn cut him off, "#$@% your Prophet too, guaruntee he kicking back beers, an' out the window of his limo flipping the bird at the world laughing with #@$%ing Jesus." I had no idea what that was all about, but figured it must have been some part of a previous conversation that they had.

Shawn turned to face Joel man he was a big guy. Joel was athletic, he was the captain of the Basketball team, but he wasn't taller then me. In any kind of physical altercation Shawn would have twisted his head right off. I looked at Shawn in his black beanie and huge white T-shirt. I imagined a gun tucked into his belt even though we had metal detectors. They didn't really work, all the students knew their way around those. I looked around to see to plan an escape route in case this got ugly.

Joel said again, "Shawn, you are talking about the most important person in my life." Shawn grinned kind of out of the side of his mouth. Joel continued, "Have some respect man. Jesus Christ was a real person he died for me and he died for you. Please don't disrespect the man. I'm begging you, it hurts me to hear you say those things. Make fun of me behind my back, but know that if you say stuff like that to my face I am going to have to stand up for him and for my Prophet and for my beliefs." Joel was starting to tear up. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I thought, is he really that offended? Is he really taking his life into his hands to defend what some ignorant gang banger said in anger?

Shawn's grin had disappeared. I watched as Joels glossy eyes bounced back and forth between Shawn's and how Shawn just stared at him, like a statue. After a few seconds, Joel said, "I know you're a christian, brother. Jesus Christ has faith in you, whether or not you have any faith at all. I know he loves you Shawn. (I thought - where did Joel think he was Sunday School) I know that he has a plan, it's hard for us to understand, I know. Just don't take it out on the guy who loves you more than anything." Shawn looked at me for a second (a second longer then I was comfortable with) then looked at his two friends. Then he said, "Yeah, aight. We's aright. Sorry J." He reached his hand out and they did a handshake I was never cool enough to be able to do with anyone. How could Joel be so cool, so freaking cool, and still be 100% Mormon.

Shawn and Joel were the best of friends after that. Joel even got Shawn and his family to meet with the missionaries for a while, nothing ever came of it, but I was always amazed. Joel is the kind of guy I've always felt "the latchets of whose shoe I am not worthy to unloose." Joel, was unapologetic in his observance of his beliefs. He was never a drag to be around though. He was always fun, everybody's favorite guy. He has a way of making you feel like you are the most important person in the world. I never thought Joel was being self-righteous, condescending, or that he ever thought he was better than anyone else. People respected him, and wanted to be around him.

Here's the point. Joel is the kind of guy that Andrea deserves. Not a coward like me. Andrea is just like Joel. Andrea, is fun to be around whether you are Mormon or not. Everybody likes her. She is christlike. She doesn't have a judgmental bone in her body. She is understanding and compassionate, but never a drag. From some of the comments about her it is clear that I haven't adequately described her in this blog and this stems from my shortcomings as a writer and has nothing to do with her. If you knew her and me you would know that I am way out of my league here.

I know what the readers of this blog think about this decision. Perhaps I will, as you all say, regret it. I am seriously feeling like it is more noble of me to end this relationship though. I was talking to my older sister about it and she played me a song called "You're a God" (it's really kind of a terrible song) The lyrics hit home though. "You're a God and I am not and I just thought I'd let you go." No, she's not a "God"... but you get the point. When we were sitting watching Conference this weekend those awful lyrics went through my head over and over, as she excitedly hung on every prophetic word and I struggled to stay awake.

I am going to end our relationship today or tomorrow. Someone famous said once, if you love someone let them go..... I'm hoping there is some truth to that.