Friday, October 9, 2009

Goodbye Andrea

Andrea and I have had tickets to see this play, "Curtain's" at the Hale Center Theater for nearly a month. The show was tonight, and I figured it was a better idea to wait until after the show.

Prior to picking Andrea up, I tried to prepare myself for what I was about to do. In my mind it was going to go like this: I would pick her up and we would go get some dinner around 6. Then we would go watch the play. Then I would tell her that I had something to talk to her about. Then we would go to the playground by her house, and I would explain to her how I was feeling and that we shouldn't see each other anymore.

I was pretty nervous. I had broken up with girls before, but never had I wanted so badly for the girl I was breaking up with to not be hurt. I really think she is amazing. I really do care about her (despite what many readers of this blog have said) For the past two days all I've been thinking is how to end things and have her be okay.

On my way to her house I stopped at the grocery store and bought a dozen white roses. I wrote on a little card, "You're the most amazing person I know, your influence will be with me forever." Now that I am writing it out in this post, it sounds so lame... but at the time it seemed like such a good idea. Like it would help to prove that I cared or something... Anyway, I put the roses in my trunk so I could decide whether or not to use them later.

I picked up Andrea, and from then on the evening went pretty much exactly like it did in my head. After the show, which I wasn't able to pay any attention to whatsoever, Andrea grabbed my arm while we walked to my car and said, "Now what?" I knew what I had planned to say but then I looked at her and she was beaming with that perfect smile of her's. Suddenly I thought the playground was a terrible idea. We had too many good memories there. And really, if I'm being honest I didn't want to make eye contact for prolonged periods either. I realized then, looking at her smiling face, that I was petrified. So I made a quick ammendment to the plan and said, "Lets go for a drive. I have something I need to talk to you about."

Driving made me feel a little bit more comfortable because I was in control of the eye contact. I would be able to look away for most of the conversation without an excuse. I could also look at her if I felt I needed to see her reaction to something. In theory it was all very good. Unfortunately, it took me almost 40 minutes to muster the testicular fortitude to bring up what I was really there to do. We had driven in a meandering sort of way all the way from Hale up to Wasatch Boulevard. Conversation with Andrea was always easy, so I don't think she even noticed there was anything going on. I made an odd turn and got sort of lost, hit a dead end and had to turn around. I decided that I needed to put myself out of my misery and just do it. So in the third of my four point turn I said, "I think maybe that we should stop seeing each other."

The car was stopped and we were looking at each other. I'll bet 10 seconds passed but it seemed like forever. Her mouth was open and she made a face I had never seen her make. I think it was her "shock and disbelief" face.

She started to talk and I looked away and started driving (phew, for that idea)

ANDREA: You what?
JAKE: I just think that we should step back a couple notches.
ANDREA: ...What? ...Why?

I knew this was coming and I had practiced my response in my mind plenty. I spent the next 5 minutes giving her my dissertation about how amazing I thought she was and how I was feeling inferior and about what I thought she deserved. As the words were coming out of my mouth I felt like my explanation was top notch. I half expected her to just agree with me and say something like, "What a relief, want to stop and get a slurpee before you drop me off for the last time." That isn't exactly how it went.

ANDREA: Why didn't you tell me you were feeling this way? What happened to all this "communication" you're always talking about?
JAKE: I, I couldn't very well just constantly be telling you "you're more righteous than me"

I took that opportunity to see what her reaction was, I could see that she wasn't crying, but her eyes glistened in the street lights, and I realized she was tearing up.

ANDREA: So if I am hearing you right. If I understand you. You think that I deserve someone who is better than you?
JAKE: I don't think that Andrea, I know it.
ANDREA: Bull crap... ...What is it really? Is this some twisted way to let me down easy? Have I done something wrong? Am I no fun? Is there someone else?
JAKE: No! No no no! You are the greatest... so great, that I am not good enough for you. Seriously this isn't about you. You're perfect. You're too perfect.
ANDREA: (she raised her voice a little) This is so stupid. You are being soooo stupid! What do you know about what I deserve?
JAKE: I, I... (I didn't know what to say)
ANDREA: (she started sniffling) Do you actually hear what you are saying? You are saying that in order for you to be happy that you will need to settle for something less. You are choosing to settle? ... And you expect me to believe that?
JAKE: Andrea, I have been going crazy over the last little while thinking that I am dragging you down. Or that I will eventually, I don't know what else to do. All I know is that I can't feel this way anymore, let alone forever.

Andrea started to cry. I had started the drive back to her house and we still had about 10 minutes. I looked at her a couple of times, and she was looking out the other window crying. I started crying.

ANDREA: This is so stupid. I think you're wrong. I don't want to be without you. I think you are a great person. "Deserve" doesn't have anything to do with anything. (She started crying a little more) I'm not as good as you think.

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I thought about changing my mind... apologizing... I hadn't cried in front of a girl I was in a relationship with... well ever. I felt a little bit confused. I thought that maybe I was making a mistake. Then, I just remembered my feelings of inferiority...

JAKE: No one can see the future. Who knows what will happen. I just need to step back for a while.
ANDREA: Stupid stupid stupid. You're being selfish. No matter how you've made this seem like the right thing to do, it's stupid! It's the wrong thing to do. So you're dumping me. I'm dumped.
JAKE: (I pulled into her driveway) I care about you more than you know. I'm serious. Maybe you'll thank me one day. Maybe I'm making the biggest mistake of my life... I'm just trying to be honest with myself, and with you.
ANDREA: You're dumping me?
JAKE: Yes.

We were both crying. She opened her door, she turned to say something, but stopped herself and got out. I followed and said, "Can the moron get one last hug?" She looked at me and waited. We held each other and sobbed... this was a totally new experience for me. I don't think I had even cried in front of my mom once in the last 10 years. She whispered, "Don't do this." "I replied, "I have to. I'm sorry." She pulled out o the hug, and stood there looking at me.

I quickly handed her the roses. She looked confused... (at the time the roses seemed like a good idea, but now even an hour later I can't believe how lame!) I got into my car and she just stood there watching me. I drove away, and when I turned the corner I could still see her standing in the driveway.

I cried like a baby all the way home... I'm still a little choked up right now. In spite of the tears, I think I did the right thing. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be, but I'm pretty sure she's better off.



JumboWings said...

You such a pussy, I can't believe you cried so hard. Men are to cry in cases of victory and extreme grief. Not at being an inferior pansy with the ego of a mouse. Apologize to her and yourself and go get a girl that you feel you better than intellectually, spiritually, and physically. She may be right. By the way sisters are usually more mature than brothers at the same life-stage and age. So get over yourself Napoleon.

20 Something said...

Sorry it didn't end how you expected. But I think you kinda had all the warning you needed.

That sucks.


Anonymous said...

Ok I'll bite...on second thought no I won't. I really think people like being in love in a movie drama. This is what this is all about, among other things. You are creating your own melodrama. You break up so you can cry like a big fat baby and look at her longingly at church and she flirts with other guys to make you jealous, at church of course. You run into each other at functions and throw a glance her way, and she to throws you some too. It's all about being in love in a movie. It is all about the drama. It's the popcorn movie sexual tension moment you are creating for the readers of your blog who will demand, as you date and report about other lower sub-Mormon girls, that you get back together with Andrea. It is Rachel and Ross. Break up to make up because that is the chick flick that the chicks are demanding from the blog...and its what you learn from watching too much tv. Breaking up with a girl and it makes you cry?? And you still do it? I think you are trying to push her into some major levi lovin. Everyone knows the make out after an intense break up is the best, most passionate horizontal make out opportunity this side of Provo...hell you two may even have sex and she will no longer be too good, but just about carnally right. It is a great plan. I see you working. You are going to make her miss you, get back together and the pressure to NOT BE too good will be on her...she will dumb herself down. Lower her standards and be the skank you need her to be. Talk about you major ultimatum...You are too good for me so either start saying some swears, gossip more, skip the sacrament or it is OVER! Can't wait to hear about the sub-standard girls who aren't up to snuff. I think this is short lived, but it does make for a great juicy novel. Women love men who cry, they get to be their mommies...bring it ladies.

Cassee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I swear anon 12:35 is Nikki... What a stupid and unnecissary comment.

Live and learn Jakey boy.

Anonymous said...

Dude, Metallica sings this great song called King Nothing... you should listen to it. Careful what you wish.

You are going to have a very small window to get her back. I suggest you take her to breakfast and beg for forgivness.


Anonymous said...

I don't understand you jake, and I give up trying to. You broke andreas heart and she was right you're being selfish. You never even asked her how she felt just said "I feel like this, screw how you feel we're over"
For some reason Andrea fell for you and it sounds like she fell pretty hard. and you turn around and crush her into a million little pieces. Your a grade "A" jerk. Hope one day she can find somebody who will actually talk to her and treat her as an equal partner in the relationship.
as for you, grow up.

Anonymous said...

This is garbeg. You are a moron. I want Andrea to be a main character on this blog. Screw you Jake.

Joe Conflict said...

Stupid move Jake. You will regret this one.

Scott said...

Wow JumboWings. What a meat-headed comment. You can go back to re-living your glory days of high school football now.

Jake, good luck in the future. And that feeling you have is called guilt. It means you actually cared about this girl and feel bad for breaking her heart. Next time you care this much about a girl, care enough to change -for her and for yourself.

Anonymous said...

I don't think what people are getting about this situation, is that you knew deep down it just wasn't right, right? I mean really, I think if you really wanted to be with her, you would have stayed with her, despite the fact that you felt she was better than you. I think that this had been bothering you for a while, and it wouldn't be fair for either of you to stay in the relationship when you felt this way.

Sometimes things don't make sense at the time, but it will someday. I have had similar situations, and couldn't figure out why it was happening. We both liked each other, what was the problem? The problem is that we question it. We search for reasons why it won't work. Whether the reason be that we feel inferior, or something else, there is still doubt. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut instinct.

I believe that Andrea is a great girl, but I also think you are a great guy for doing this. I am glad that you didn't stay with her just because you didn't want everyone on this blog to hate you. You did what you had to do, and I am glad you didn't string her along any farther. She will be okay. I promise.

I don't care if I get attacked for saying all this, but I think you did the right thing. Who knows? Maybe you will end up together someday. But for now, you did what you had to do. I have a lot of respect for that.

Amy said...

Okay, seriously kids, stop giving him crap. IT'S HIS LIFE- HE DOES WHAT HE CHOOSES, SO SHUT THE HEEL UP. SHEEEESh.

I do feel very bad for Andrea though. If I was in her situation, I would feel terrible for hearing that someone deserves better than me. I'd rather hear that I'm NOT good enough for someone- no joke. She really did care about you. If I could choose your life, (which I can't, while some above commentors think they can...MORONS) I would hope you would go back to Andrea...she deserves someone like you, a good guy who cares about her. In my opinion, you do deserve her, unless there's a reason we don't know about, and telling her that she deserves better is hurtful. But life isn't always a fairy tale, and if you want to settle for 'less than' her, go for it. You do what you think is right Jake. :)

kelleidoscope said...

I feel for Andrea.
Your decision completely confuses me. Instead of having someone you truly deserve you've decided to settle.
Maybe you'll find someone just as good as her someday, but I hope you decide to change for her instead of taking the easy way out.
I don't think there's any question as to whether or not you care. You just...did what you felt was right.

Anonymous said...

Yep, you're still an idiot. Like I said, biggest mistake of your life. You're forever going to be comparing future girls to Andrea if she's so perfect and that's not really fair to the future girls, is it? I hope you grow a pair soon.
Oh and I'm probably going to stop reading this blog now. You guys have made me totally lose faith in the male population of this church (it was hanging by threads before, but you've really just confirmed it for me, the ones who can step up to the plate and make a commitment have already done so).

That Chick said...

no offense man, but you don't seem to be very good at the whole breaking up with girls thing.

What Chloe said makes sense though. I don't know if you even realize that for yourself, that you knew that it wouldn't work out in the end no matter what.

Rachel said...

I cried too.

Heather D in LV said...

Wow! I Love this blog! Dude, Jake, better luck next time! There will be a next time... really, for you and for her.

All of the Mormons who read this blog must not have ever made any questionable choices on their dating careers. They all sound a little sanctimonious to me. That's the membership of my church all right, and I live them anyway.

I'm totally telling all my normal friends about your blog. They'll appreciate how hard this would be to even write... let alone take crap from strangers for.

Ru said...

I agree with Chloe-it sucks that Andrea got hurt, but if Jake knows it's not right, he was right to break up with her before things got even more serious.

It's not about her being better than him or him wanting to settle, it's just about Andrea and Jake not being quite right for each other.

f1trey said...

Gimme 5 Amy!!!!!!Im going to bring up a point.....motivation....people seem to want to bitch and moan over decisions without looking at the motivation behind it...... my boy gave her up like a bit of control.....having perfection on the hook is a bit intimidating.... and yeah cryin over it can happen....kudos for keepin it real....manhood is coming just around the corner..... HOWEVER...the control play that you did dawg.....that will only work on girls .....A womans heart is molded by such acts......think about that when you find one you really want and.......she wont give it to you because some asshole pulled the carpet out from under her when she was younger..... peace

BTW jumbo wings are still.... baby legs from a flightless bird...

Kevin said...

Dude, you're making a big mistake. Get back together with her while you still can.

lifechick said...

Poor Andrea. I feel bad for her. She also said exactly what I said about her previously, "I'm not as good as you think." Meaning, while she's a great person, she's also got some flaws/human frailties that Jake doesn't seem to acknowledge could exist.

Jake, I think by making Andrea perfect in your own mind, it gave you the justification you felt you needed to break it off. I believe that you care about her, but also that since you were willing to break it off, you didn't want to be with her anymore. If you did, nothing could have pushed you to let her go, least of all this faux-noble gesture of freeing her up for someone better.

You don't have to justify not wanting to be with someone to yourself and a bunch of strangers in the blogosphere. It seems like you feel that you *should* want to be with her, and since you don't, you have to find some admirable reason for why not. Sometimes, "it" just isn't there.

Don't beat yourself up about it. When you have it bad enough for some girl, you'll know it. Even if she's a paragon of virtue and you feel like a total slimeball in comparison, you'll still hang onto her with everything you've got.

Good luck -- hope you feel better soon.

Darcy and Adam said...

Jake, I'm sorry that the above comment-ers (well, some of them) have decided to rip you apart. You have every right to break up with whomever you want. Like they say, when it's right, it's right... and the converse is true, as well.

I just want you to ask yourself if you REALLY love this girl, and if you're IN LOVE with her, and, your fears about your own worthiness of her aside, do you want to be with her? As in, possibly forever?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, then you've made the right decision. She is better off without you, and you without her. There is no sense in allowing a relationship to progress, if one or the other doesn't have their heart in it.

However, Jake... if you love the girl, if you're IN love with her, if can see yourself (your BEST self) with her, then you had better call her and (like the above comment suggested) take her to breakfast and beg for forgiveness. Next, you've got some major soul-searching to do. We are all our own worst critic, and I STILL feel unworthy of my husband sometimes -- but I'm sure Andrea has qualities that even SHE wishes "Wow, I wish I could be as _______ as Jake." Guaranteed.

I, for one had to break it off with a guy, and it was VALENTINES DAY, of all days (Oh, the HORROR! I know...) But it wasn't right, and I knew it. I did look back a few times and wonder if I had done the right thing (I'm human. We do that.) After all, he was SUCH a nice/caring/loving guy, and would have given me the world if he could. But that's not what it's about. You have to find someone you can't live without. You have to marry your best friend.

Did you just tell yours that she needs to find someone else to love, because you consider yourself to be a shmuck, even though she is (clearly) in love with you, faults and all?

Best wishes... you're the only one who can know the answers. I hope to hear good news in the future.

Anonymous said...

Honestly good decision. I love that you came clean that way. It does not matter what the reason was if you feel the need to break-up do it! This leaves you closer to having better relationships.
She seems like she was not being real with you and trying to be what she thought you wanted(or what she has been told RMs want). Hopefully she will let her guard down and realize she can be herself. PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT GET BACK WITH HER |> GIRLS DO NOT FORGET THESE THINGS. even if she says she is over it it wil not be unless you are COMPLETELY out of her life now. :) continue to do the right thing., dude, good job.

H.K. said...

I don't understand why people are so disturbed and angry that you broke up with Andrea. I really believe that just because someone is great & wonderful that doesn't mean they are the person for you. You did the right thing for you.

I went out with this guy who was an RM, EVERYONE loved him, but I didn't feel right being with him. My family and friends were disappointed when I broke up with him. It didn't make sense, but I did what I felt was right and now I am married to someone that I'm crazy about.

However, in the future when you're going to break up with someone, keep it simple. Tell them beforehand you want to meet with them to discuss something important. Meet at a cafe, keep it short & simple and for heaven's sake don't bring roses! And just know, that no matter what reason you give a person for breaking up, it will always sound lame to that person. It sucks being dumped, no matter how sound the reason may be.

Nichola said...

ahhh Jake I was really hoping you would change your mind about breaking up with her.

Forget all your feeling of inferiority... the Big question is... DO YOU LOVE HER? i mean are you IN love with her? if you DO love her, CALL HER! tell her you've been a complete idiot! tell her how you feel. [Personaly, I think she loves you. even if you cant see it.]

If you DO NOT love her, The you did the right thing for the both of you.

bd said...

Jake- news flash: Andrea is the one in the relationship who gets to decide if you're good enough for her. If you would just communicate with her and make sure she really knows who you are (including any big life altering mistakes that you may have made), she would either accept you or put on the brakes. It is her decision though. My theory is that you are scared of rejection. You think that if she knew everything about you - she would choose to move on. I'm not trying to judge you, I've been there. But let me tell you, it feels great when someone knows everything about you and still loves and chooses you. Sadly, its just much easier to walk away than face that fear of spilling your sole and getting rejected. Good luck man.

Blazzer said...

At the end of the day, regardless of reasons and right or wrong this is hard stuff.

Thanks for sharing Jake.

I hate to say this at the risk of looking less than manly, but hopefully you'll cry in front of many more girls to come. That's life mate.

Look forward to hearing about the next one.


Kristin Lee said...

I'm really bummed for Andrea. I don't really understand the whole, 'you're too good for me' thing. Like I had said sometime before, man up and be good enough for her. ...but maybe I'm getting it wrong. Maybe you think she wasn't really the one for you.

Relationships are confusing. I hope you don't come to regret this, and who knows, maybe a little later down the road something could work out between the two of you? Perhaps you're just not ready for that kind of a relationship right now.

Whatever happens, I'm glad you were kind to her. Forget what some of the above commenters said about it being cheesey (which it is I won't deny it) but it's sweet. It shows her that you still care about her.

Katie said...

I think that you did the right thing. Andrea will get over it, even if it hurts right now. It's not fair for either of you to be in the relationship if you are always having doubts of being good enough for her. I think you're a good guy and you'll find someone that is right for you that you won't have to worry if you deserve her or not.

Steven said...

Stop looking at porn and give her a call!
Kidding. Sorry about the rough time.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

i think it's really lame that people are criticizing you for crying! don't listen to them. they're idiots. and i think you did the right thing. you can't go through life feeling self-conscious and inferior. you can't feel like you're dragging someone down! maybe some time time away from the relationship will change your perspective. maybe she is the right person for you. only time will tell. regardless of what happens in the future, you did the right thing. you have to go with your gut.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Do we need to make a list of unapproved words?

No "F" words. No "C" words. No "J" words unless it's not directed at us... then it's ok. Definitely no "R" words and we really frown on any blasphemous words or phrases, obviously.

There you go.


Anonymous said...

Good job idiot.

Anonymous said...

So wait, you really dumped her because you thought she needed someone better than you, that wasn't just an excuse.
As a 20 year old girl with experience in the men department, I can say this was some degree of certainty.
She doesn't believe you, she thinks you broke up with her but were too nice to tell her the real reason you don't want to be with her.
She's now obsessing over what she could have done wrong. She always sort of suspected you weren't as into her as she was into you, and now she has proof.
She's completely miserable.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding this post and the real reason you wanted to break up was legitimate (the spark wasn't there, she was too controlling, etc) but it sounds to me like you were breaking up just because it sounded good in the moment.

Here's to Andrea, who's now joining the league of confused, broken-hearted women who have trouble trusting men because they fell too hard for a guy that didn't appreciate them.

anna said...

she is definately better off. no offense, dude. but usually guys who do this sort of thing, do it because they would rather screw off than be a better person. it's your life. she will move on. but where will YOU go from here??? i have always wondered, if you aren't moving UP, which way are you moving?

Anonymous said...

You are a baby Anna, Jake did the right thing indeed. Witch way are you moving with your judging? Hmmmm I wonder. Oh and Alice you are a pig. As are most of the people who cant get a clue that Jake did the right thing for himself and Andrea. Get a life suckers!

lifechick said...

What is it with anonymous people who call other posters names? Alice and Anna have a point of view; disagree with it if you want to. But when you hide behind the anonymous label to insult others, it really only shows your own lameness.

P.S. It's "which" not "witch".

Bekah said...

people are mean. sorry you're hurting :(

Also ... what's an "R" word? I won't be able to sleep tonight... i'm gonna think about it all night......


Anonymous said...

Anonymous 10:26 here. Sorry everyone, I was out of line :( I was having a bad day and thought it would be fun to make fun of strangers. I was wrong. I'll make note of how to spell which too. Boy that's embarrassing. Again Sorry. I wont do that again. Anna I really just think you are pretty and I was jealous. And Alice you were just above Anna, so I thought I'd add you into the mix. Thanks for calling me out life chick.

OneiLin said...

I'm sure that one person before has said this but I don't really want to bother reading all the comments. Hey I'm honest. But here is the thing. Did you ever stop to think that the tears and the overwhelming doubt, confusing and turmoil meant that you and she were meant to be? That instead of breaking it off you might have gotten down on one knee? I've never seen a man in such turmoil over a girl when he didn't know deep down that he was wrong and end up blubbering like a baby about the one he let slip through his fingers. I'd do some major soul searching if i were you and fast. If you realize it you may still have a chance to repair it.

JenX said...

One day she will thank you. You did the right thing.

Anonymous said...

Not trying to be mean. I'd like to believe your motives are pure. But I think you're just not that into her. If you were, you wouldn't care she's "better than you". You would strive to be the person you think she deserves. If she thought you weren't good enough she would have dumped you. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I tried this tack once. Didn't work too well because she just said, "Well man up and be good enough for me."


Anonymous said...

You did the right thing. I'm the more "righteous" one and I should have left well enough alone and let him dump me. Andrea is better off without you. No matter what she thinks.

Ryan Hadlock said...

New to the blog, and this is a great intro!

Here's the deal, if you're not feeling it with a girl - fine - break up, it happens, it sucks, you'll get over it and more forward, as will she. HOWEVER, the excuse you drummed up is TIRED! I mean SO weak. Don't make up excuses, just tell her you don't feel like there is a long term relationship - you can't help the way you feel no matter how attractive a girl is.

And the white roses, I see that you realize the error of your ways there, but I'm laughing my ass off here. Nice touch ;-)

Micah said...

What you should do is agree to see other people but not end it entirely. When you're a young RM it's easy to get caught up in the marriage thing. My wife and I broke up twice and she spent a semester in New Zealand before we got engaged. She always thought she wasn't good enough for me but I assure you she is far better than me. If she loves you then that is all that matters. Jesus loves you.

Suvi said...

I wasn't going to comment but... I have to agree with some of the last posters, if you had really loved her you would've tried to be better to deserve her. Breaking up because you didn't feel that is fine. Telling her that you can't date her because she is too good is placing all the blame on her-- no matter how nicely you said it. I know because I was told the same thing... which in my naivete made me think that I had to be LESS good to be loved. Which, in turn led to its own series of heartache and still left me alone in the end, totally not worth it to be on the same level as a guy I was in love with.

I hope she is more secure with herself than I was at that age. And I hope you meet someone who does make you want to be better.

Heather B said...

i don't know you, and i've never read your blog until 3 minutes ago (clicked the link from BusyBeeLauren)...but never before have i completely understood a perfect stranger. i have no words of wisdom. just the simple statement of "i understand".

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry...I am going to sound like a witch. But I don't care. A few years ago I was an Andrea. I was the one who had to tell her date that she didn't french kiss or watch R rated movies and I always felt humiliated even though I went out with RMs that were supposed to be supporting me and upholding the same standards. I don't know you so I shouldn't judge. But guess what. I will. Deal with it. I am glad you broke up with her. She DOES deserve better than you. Girls like us are not prudes or frigid. We like to be intimate and have fun in the right relationship (marriage), but we deserve to have our standards respected. I have been broken up with because I was "too good" and it sucks. But I am glad it happened because I did marry some one who was good enough for me and appreciated my standards and was glad that I was virtuous. And just so ya know..."molly mormons" are not prudes that are afraid of sex. My husband and I have an amazing physical relationship and we are both glad that we waited. So there.

Bonnie said...

Listen boys - if someones too good to you and makes you cry when you dump her... maybe you should change to be good enough for her? isn't that the point?

Emma said...

I agree with Bonnie! But at least you aren't dragging her down anymore. I sincerely hope that andrea doesn't change who she is because she thinks that there is something wrong with her. Because there's nothing wrong with her. It really is you.

Geosomin said...

I know I'm a total stranger, but I have to say this: You mght want to reconsider.
I knew a guy like that who, after some time together, tried to convince me I was too good for him and I was better off without him regardless of how we felt.

Know what? It's not her, it's you. Otherwise, if this really is the case, I have to let you know - That guy and me? We've been married for 9 years now. And I'm so glad we are :)

Women choose who they want. If you don't want to be in a relationship, that's one thing...but if you do, let her choose you if she wants to :)

Anonymous said...

Ok so i know I am a little behind but someone told me about this blog and I have spent a good portion of my work day reading this. I really appreciate all of the guys and their willingness to be completely uncandid about their feelings. I always said it would be interesting to be a fly on the wall in a guys apartment.
Either way, I am not here to judge or tell someone what they should or shouldnt do, but I really have to question why? I anly ask this in the sense that I just dont understand. We have all been told to marry up, and yet you find someone who is "up" and you feel inferior. I want to scream well if you feel like I deserve better then why not man up and be something better, unless that is you want to be a bottom dweller the rest of your life. If thats the case, then yes she does deserve something better. I would love to see more of an explanation behind this. Granted if its just not right, its just not right and there is no arguing that, but if thats your only excuse for breaking up that is a pretty bad excuse.

Anonymous said...

Completely agree with Geo. I dont know who made you some expert on what she does and doesnt deserve. You would be so lucky to marry up.

Lorelei said...

I totally support your decision! I did the exact same thing to the guy I was dating last winter (although for a much shorter amount of time). He was practically perfect for me but I just knew it wasn't right. It didn't make a lot of sense at the time and I certainly didn't want to do it, but I knew it had to be done. Way to go following your heart.

xoxo Lorelei

Katherine said...

I think you made the right choice Jake. If you were feeling gulity about the person you are when you were with Andrea then its not a healthy relatiosip for you. And it doesn't mean you are settling. You can find someone that motivates you to be a better person without feeling gulity. So hang in there.

Katie said...

Ha, this conversation reminds me far too much of the one that my boyfriend and I had when he broke up with me at the beginning of the semester. Can I just say how much it really sucks to be told "You are too good for me. I know you deserve better." A lot of the time it just seems like a cop-out phrase. Obviously with you it wasn't, but I feel for Andrea. This kind of thing just sucks, all around. But, I do respect you for how you broke up with her. I think the roses were nice. My ex-boyfriend gave me a candy bar and banana nesquick. It was weird. As much as this hurt Andrea, after reading everything you've said, you probably did make the right choice. In my lds marriage and family class I'm taking, my teacher always tells the guys to marry someone who's more spiritual than they are...but obviously if you are feeling inadequate around her all the time, that'll just keep tearing at you. And it won't be a health relationship. I realize this is an old post and you're over all of this...But I just had to put my two-cents in. I have a lot more respect for you now though. Thanks for showing you aren't a complete tool.

Physcokity said...

OK I get that this might be a bit of a sensitive subject, but this particular line resulted in an outburst of laughter "I couldn't very well just constantly be telling you "you're more righteous than me"" but it's so very true, no one wants to feel "harped" on or suffer an inferiority complex for all of eternity... I'll stop right, there I'm waxing philosophical and that could get ugly, especially since I really don't know you that well.

Little Miss Paige said...

At first I thought that it was super mean to give her the flowers, because then she's dumped and has a reminder of it in her room. But then when you were crying and gave them to her, I thought it was SO sweet.


Anonymous said...

ha good going douche bag... why don't you man up and grow a pair eh? How about you become a better person instead of using the excuse ''oh you deserve better than me'' crap. Dude you are schmuck and need to grow up.

Anonymous said...

ha good going douche bag... why don't you man up and grow a pair eh? How about you become a better person instead of using the excuse ''oh you deserve better than me'' crap. Dude you are schmuck and need to grow up.

LittleMissBritt said...

So I'm feeling like a pansy at the moment...

A friend of mine told me I had to read this blog because it was awesome, funny, and just what I needed right now. I started at the beginning, and I haven't stopped until now.

I'm a wimp because I just cried through this post. I didn't read what anyone else said about it, but I think you sound like a really great guy. It takes guts to do what you did, and I think it's so awesome that you let her go despite how hard it must have been.

I know you and Calvin get a lot of crap for this blog...but I think it's awesome that you guys put this all out there. I think you guys actually handle things a lot better than most guys I know, including other Mormon guys. Good on you guys!

Anonymous said...

I know I'm WAY late in posting this, but I wanted to say I feel for both of you in this situation. I actually had almost the exact same experience with a guy I was dating, and let me tell you Jake, she really WILL thank you for it in the end. My ex-boyfriend breaking up with me was the greatest thing he could do for me to show he actually cared about me. It really sucked at the time, but looking back, it was such a noble thing for him to do. I'm glad to see that you're sticking to it and not trying to get back with her, because that happened in my relationship and it was pretty much hell for a year because we were both dating each other knowing it wasn't right and a lot of stupid crap happened.

Anyway, my point is that I don't think you're a pansy, or a jerk, or selfish - in fact, that was a very UN-selfish thing to do. Andrea brought up a good point though: you shouldn't settle - not on a wife, or on yourself. Try to be the best person you can be so someday you can feel like you are worthy of someone like Andrea. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

So basically thanks for this post. I just started reading your blog and am totally addicted. Mostly it's just been entertaining, but this particular post struck very close to home, as I have gone through the exact same thing. It does not feel good when you feel like you're not good enough for a person you care about. I just... yeah. I agree with you. It sucks, but it's the right thing. Not like my opinion matters, but I really liked what you wrote.