Thursday, May 27, 2010


NOTE: After writing this post I realized that there are a lot of terms and doctrines specific to the Mormon faith that our non-Mormon readers may not be familiar with. We created a glossary for our blog here, but there are so many new terms in this post and I am way too lazy to write up a bunch of additional definitions, so if you find yourself a little lost, either: A) Ask a question in the comments and I'm sure someone will answer. B) a good source glossary can be found at this Website. Or C) You can Google it, but the information may not match up with what I was talking about.

One thing I have been seriously failing at lately is my home teaching. I remember being a missionary and looking down on members who failed to complete their home teaching with such disdain. The missionary version of myself would be seriously upset with the now version of myself.

So here I am. Not only am I no good at home teaching, this week when my Elders Quorum Leader called to see how I have done for the month of May, I lied. Actually, I might be able to argue that I "stretched" the truth. After all, I did have a funny text exchange with one of the sisters that I am assigned to, and one of the guys I'm supposed to visit came over with a dozen other people to watch the Champions League final on Saturday. So I counted those as visits... who am I kidding though, I lied.

Tom: So, uh hey Jake, just calling to get your home teaching numbers.
Jake: Um, I got about half.
Tom: Half? So... three?
Jake: Um yeah, I got Nelly (text exchange) and Britney (She is Nelly's roommate, I'm sure Nelly relayed our textersation to her) ...had a good visit with Ryan (soccer game) but just haven't met up with the others.
Tom: Mmm, okay. You know as a Quorum we are trying to get 100% this month.
Jake: Yeah. Yeah, I remember the lesson Scott gave last week.
Tom: Yeah, so, could you (he paused) ...we are calling everyone a little bit early this month--
Jake: Right, good call. Good reminder. I'll get the rest of em' before the end of the month.
Tom: Okay. Good. Well, Um, Brother Halifax, will you finish your home teaching 100% for the month of May. (I recognized the "direct will you question" that they taught us all in the MTC. Right away. I didn't really think I would, I just wanted to get off the phone so I could get back to playing Modern Warfare)
Jake: You bet buddy. (I hate it when I call people buddy, I only do it when I'm uncomfortable.)

As soon as Tom let me go I added his number to my "DON'T ANSWER" profile in my phone. The thought process being, 'If I don't answer I don't have to lie.'

The past few days I have been feeling guilty. Not really guilty. Just a teeny bit guilty, at first... then as I dwelt on it more I started to feel like a real arse. I'm sure you agree if you read the previous paragraphs. First off, home teaching is like the easiest thing in the world to do. Secondly, no matter how I slice it, I lied to Tom. Lies that weren't even necessary. There's no penalty for failing to do home teaching... at least no immediate penalty. There's one later on, the whole failing-to-magnify-your-calling thing could be called into question. I just went, and for no reason, added lying on top of that. It's like getting pulled over for speeding and the officer discovers your insurance is expired.

So, I decided after feeling the weight of guilt, that I would at least get the three people (I hadn't already lied about) before months end.

My home teaching companions name is Steven. I have never seen him in Elders Quorum, and only spoken to him once at the Ward Talent Show, so I tried calling and texting him, but he had probably already changed my number to DON'T ANSWER in his phone months ago. So after getting myriad lame excuses from my roommates, I resolved to fly solo.

The other three people I home teach are girls. Two of them are roommates and the other one lives on her own. Part of the problem with home teaching (which is only going to compound my poor display of character so far) is that none of the girls I am assigned are very attractive.

That's not to say that just because a girl is not seeing her home teachers that she is unattractive. Aaron and Nick teach 4 of the hottest girls I have ever seen, and I am pretty sure they have never once made a home teaching visit.

I do think though that if there was some side flirting available that I would be more likely to want to spend half an hour or so getting to know someone, which, I'll admit, is horrible and far from Christlike... but true. So, I prepared a quick little spiritual thought put on a tie and scheduled appointments for last night. First I went to Erin's house. We visited for about 30 minutes and it was mostly uneventful.

Then I went to Nancy and Stephanie's apartment. I didn't know these two very well. I said hi to them in sacrament occasionally. Neither is very cute, though they're not at all ugly either. Nancy is short and fat. She has one of those faces, that makes me wish she'd lose 50 lbs because then Calvin would want to date her. Her face was really cute it was just shrouded with the blubber of years of over-indulgence. Stephanie was her opposite. She was tall and skinny but broad with big features like her eyes and forehead. She basically looks like Andre Kirilenko would if he were two feet shorter, a woman with long dark hair. The could have made a comic pair the likes of Chris Farley and David Spade... but I can joke about that another time.

The first thing I noticed as I walked into their living room was a large life-sized cardboard cut-out of Jacob from Twilight. I said, "Hey, it's Shark Boy!" Nancy scowled at me and then laughed and rolled her eyes, "Haven't heard that one before Jake." She lightly slapped my arm and continued as she led me into the living room, "We are both total twi-hards, and we don't care who knows it." I wanted to roll my eyes and make my usual "twi-tard" comment, but decided to wait till we knew each other better.

We spent a little bit of time getting to know each other. I found out where they worked and they did likewise. Discovered that they had met down at Snow College 6 years ago and had lived together ever since. We chatted about the ward a bit and then I gave my thought.I finished with my usual "I'm your home teacher speech" (that I stole from a guy on my mission, I liked it so much) it goes something like, "I'm not going to say 'Is there anything I can do for you or anything you need?' at the end of every visit. I am yours, you can call me or text me whenever you need anything."

When I was done Nancy said, "Well, I do have a question for you?" I said, "Of course." She said, "Do you believe in polygamy?" I was a little thrown and most likely made a stupid face. They both laughed and Stephanie said, "That's a way to general way to ask Nance... What she means is, do you think that Polygamy will ever come back?" I expected these kinds of questions from non-members usually looking to start a fight, not from two seeming "Molly's".

"Well, (I laughed nervously) Um, I'm not really sure." Nancy recreated the look she gave me at my Shark Boy joke earlier and said, "Oh come on Jake, you're one of the most blunt guys in the ward. Now that we are friends Just Give it to us?" Stephanie grinned and said, Just pretend Calvin or Aaron asked you the same question, what would you say to them?" We just want to know what you think."

I would say to Calvin something like, "I hope not because if it did I would always feel like I had to have exactly the same number of wives as you." And to Aaron, I would probably say something like, "Don't worry about it dude, but, if it does make a come back I'll send any of the wives that aren't cutting it your way."

I decided regardless of their intention I couldn't very well say anything like that. I stuttered, "I think tha-, well, I, I, Hmph..." I paused and looked at both of their faces. I was searching for some kind of context. What was the purpose of this question? Their faces looked slightly mischievous but leaned more towards serious intent. It didn't feel like this was a joke. So I decided to just do like they said and tell them what I really thought.

I finally said, "No. I don't think we will see it as a practiced principle again in this life." I expected them to be happy, as most girls get nauseous at the mere mention of plural marriage, but their faces looked more like I had just told them Santa Clause wasn't real. Nancy said, "Don't you think that it is part of a higher law that we will someday get to live when we are ready." I replied, "Uh, I'm no scriptorian, but if I remember in 2nd Nephi or Jacob somewhere it says that the Lord could command polygamy in order to raise up seed unto him, but that otherwise, one man, one woman, was the law." They stared at each other and back at me, I continued, "I just don't see the Lord needing to command polygamy again anytime soon. Missionary work is abound, and--" Nancy cut me off, "So you don't think that when we have to live the law of consecration that Polygamy will just be reimplemented?" I said simply, "No."

Stephanie grabbed her scriptures and started thumbing through them. Nancy watched her as though her friend would find some scripture saying,"verily I say unto you polygamy will be the way of the future." While she was looking through I asked, "What is this about?" Nancy looked at me and just said, "Its just a topic we talk about a lot and want to know more about, but everyone we talk to gets all weird about it." I felt flattered that my lack of weirdness got me into this uncomfortable conversation.

Stephanie pulled out some scripture from Doctrine and Covenant 132 and cited it as their reasons for thinking polygamy was imminent in the Church. I vehemently disagreed, though I honestly haven't put loads of study into the topic, I still feel like I have a pretty good grasp on things, and that just didn't seem right.

We chatted about it for another 20 minutes or so. If we had been arguing I think I would have won. I think however that they had already decided what they thought was right and just wanted someone to agree with them. I wanted to end the conversation so I decided to fall back onto my old standby... humor. I jokingly said, "If polygamy does make a comeback that would be good for you two, you could figure out a way to marry the same guy and just keep living together."

Nancy and Stephanie looked like they just got caught stealing from the cookie jar. Stephanie's pale complexion changed at least three shades darker. In a nervous reaction they both looked around nervously and twice in the 20 seconds their eyes rested on the cardboard cut-out of Jacob Black. They both scoffed at the idea and laughed it off, but their body language and reactions were pretty damning evidence to the contrary.

I'm not going to state this as a fact. However, I am pretty sure that Nancy and Stephanie's secret fantasy is for polygamy to be practiced again in the church so they can be sister wives to Jacob Black or Taylor whatever-his-name-is...

I'm so glad that my guilt led me to do my home teaching this month. Think of the revelation I might have missed out on. I look forward to delving into the oddities these girls might have to offer me later on. And by association, offer you.


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Weak Things Made Wussy

When I'd been on my mission for about 12 months, I was transferred to a new area to serve with Elder Kristensen from Denmark. The guy was hilarious. Not on purpose, really, but he was a very entertaining missionary. We lived with two other missionaries in the same apartment. Elder Carr and Elder Bundt. They were like caricatures of missionaries. One of them was, like, eight feet tall and skinny and the other one was five feet tall and a perfect sphere.

I'd been in the area for two days and we were just coming home from a tea appointment. We got off the bus and started walking toward our flat which was about a quarter mile away. Elder Kristensen and I were about 20 yards in front of the other Elders. I noticed someone walking toward us. He was a younger guy around our age. Kristensen mumbled to me in his broken English, "Car-ful of this guys. We've seen him before and he'd a liddle dodgy."

The guy walks up to Kristensen and me. We stop walking and this guy reaches up and puts one hand on each of our heads. Then he starts applying pressure trying to force our heads into each other. Not too aggressive, but it was obvious what he was trying to do. I could smell alcohol on his breath. He let go of our heads and gritted his teeth. He looked at me and said, "What are you doing here? Are you from America, as well?" I said, "Yeah. I came over here to talk to people about our church." He stepped back a half step, looked me up and down and said, "I don't think I like you." Kristensen said, "He's a good guy, mon." The guy stepped up to me, reached out and took my super cool and spiritually lucky pen out of my breast pocket. Then he put my pen in his back pocket. "Do you want your pen, mate?" I didn't say anything. Then he followed it up with, "Come and get it."

I knew that he'd been drinking and I figured he probably would have been a decent guy had he been sober. Then I heard some unplanned words coming out of my mouth, "How much have you been drinking?" I felt his fist crash into my right temple. It knocked me backward into the street. My ear was ringing. What in the crap was I looking at while he was cocking his arm back? How did I miss his fist hurtling toward my head? I looked up and noticed Carr and Bundt approaching this stranger ever so slowly from behind. My first thought was, "Awesome! Four-on-one!" I slipped the right strap from my backpack off of my shoulder. Then I noticed Carr and Bundt had walked passed this bad guy and were walking along without a care in the world. Kristensen was standing next to the guy trying to talk him down as best he could. "Easy, mon. He's like me." Then the guy started screaming. He looked toward the other two elders then back at me, totally ignoring Kristensen. "Take off your bag! Go ahead! I'll take all four of you! LET'S GO!"

I was baffled for a couple of reasons. First... why was this guy so willing to pick a fight with four people? It didn't make any sense. Second... why weren't Carr and Bundt doing anything about it? I remembered the counsel we'd received in the MTC. We were told to avoid any and all physical confrontation. The church did not want to be involved in a news story with the headline "Four Mormon Missionaries Mop Pavement With Drunkards Face".

I slowly slipped the strap back onto my shoulder and walked swiftly toward my roommates until I was only a few feet behind Carr and Bundt. Kristensen and the bad guy were about five yards behind me. I heard the evil, evil man say to Kristensen, "You're alright..." I glanced over my shoulder hoping he'd had a change of heart and was talking to me. I made eye contact with him as he pointed at me and said to Kristensen, "...but I want a piece of your mate there." I looked forward again and whispered to Carr and Bundt as loudly as I was comfortable with, "What are you guys doing? There are four of us!" Carr cranked his head to the side and said, "Get in front of us and walk as fast as you can." I crowded in between the two of them and walked as fast as I could... trying hard not to run... cause that would just be wussy.

I rounded a corner that went through a Church of Ireland graveyard which was our usual shortcut. After I walked a few hundred feet, I noticed the other three elders weren't behind me anymore. I walked back to the point that I'd split off from them. As I rounded the corner, I heard some commotion. Bundt had been backed into a tall, wall-like bush. The bad guy was swinging jabs, uppercuts, and roundhouse punches as fast as his drunk little fists would allow. Only about 10% of them were hitting their mark. Bundt was able to deflect most of them with his beefy arms and hands. Kristensen was standing next to the bad guy with his hand on his shoulder almost chanting, "Hey, mon. Relax. We don't want any trouble." Sorry Kristensen... hate to break it to you, but we're smack dab in the middle of trouble.

Just then a car screeched to a halt in the street. Three bald, mean looking guys, jumped out of the car with fists clenched. The bad guy called to them by name and told them to join in on the one person melee. One of the bald guys looked at Kristensen since he was the only person who appeared to be actively engaged in the altercation... with his hand on the guys shoulder. Kristensen said, "We're here for our church and we're just trying to walk home." It sounded almost like a white flag of surrender. Kinda like, "Well... NOW we're screwed. Oh well. I tried."

The guys glanced around at all four of the missionaries. They could tell by the desperate and helpless looks on our faces that we were somehow the victims. They grabbed their friend and said, "C'mon man. These guys are just trying to get home." They all jumped in the car and were gone. It was over.

We all stood there. Confused and relieved.

We all continued to walk home, laughing and joking. We talked about our feelings and reactions to what had just happened. I expressed some frustration that Carr and Bundt appeared to be fully prepared to let me fend for myself with the bad guy. Then we talked about what might have happened if we had fought back. That guy obviously knew his friends were coming to pick him up. They would have arrived to find four guys (in suits and ties) pounding on their friend and all hell would have broken loose. Seriously. By the look of that guy's friends, we'd have gotten our righteous butts kicked all over that conveniently placed graveyard.

So maybe the Spirit prompted us to not fight back, which, in turn saved us from an untimely demise. Atheists will say, "Or maybe you're just a foursome of total pansies." Maybe. But I like to think God had a hand in our actions that day. Our patience. The calm we felt as it was happening.

I learned a lot about myself that day. I also learned a lot about the Elders I was serving with and around. Kristensen and I joked about that fight for the whole two months we were together. I would say stuff like, "Hey, Kristensen. What if we round that corner and there's a bunch of kids waiting to throw rocks and empty bottles at us?" Kristensen's reply was always the same. He'd laugh and say, "Oh... I don't hope so. I don't hope so."


Monday, May 24, 2010

How To Kiss

Saturday night I went out with Shaleese.

She's beautiful and funny. Forward, fearless, and spontaneous. She has a tight little body which I have wanted to appropriately run my hands up and down since the moment I saw her. She is LDS. Wants a Temple Marriage. She knows what "off sides" is and very capably beat me in miniature golf. She ordered a steak and finished it.

So... with such a dazzling resume it may surprise you to hear that I will never call Shaleese again.

Secretly, every date I go on I hope for a first date make-out. If I'm being truthful I would prefer to make-out with most girls before I bothered learning their name if they'd let me. Ever since that first "funny feeling" in my loins at my discovery of the fairer sex I have been trying to perfect the art of kissing. Doesn't that make sense? When you want something isn't it normal to try and learn the best way to get it? If I want to kiss and love to kiss then shouldn't it be a skill that I cultivate and practice? I put the amount of thought into a kiss that most people put into what they are going to name their first born.

I think that everyone should take kissing very seriously. I'm not even talking about being a total "lip whore" either. I am not making a case that one/me/you should kiss the maximum number of people possible. Look at me? I know you think I kiss everything that moves, but, that is obviously because your reading comprehension abilities suck. Because it will be June in a week and I have only kissed 2 girls in 2010. That's right, two girls, Sanders and Daisy! I bring that up so you know that I am not making a point for kissing as many people as possible for practice. Nor am I attempting to justify my aforementioned desire to "kiss" first and "get to know" later, but I digress...

I think that everyone should take kissing very seriously. Thus making the world a better place. My first kiss was sloppy, clumsy, and brief. Was it enjoyable? Sure, but only because it was brand new and exciting. If I experienced that exact same kiss today I would have to open my eyes to make sure I wasn't just sloshing my face into the sweat-glistened shoulder of Rocky Balboa. Nobody wants that.

What does someone who takes kissing seriously do? I can only tell you what I do. I think about what I am doing.

First, I gather intel. Even when a kiss is far from happening I like to talk about kissing with girls I will never, would never, or may never kiss. This is how I learn things like, "I love it when a guy stops for a second to give me a kiss on the forehead." "Yeah, so long as that forehead kiss isn't all slobbery." Or, "I hate it when a guy just sucks my bottom lip, breathes, sucks, breathes, over and over again. I got a whole mouth here, buddy." One revelation I was privie to at a young age was when a girl said, "He stuck his tongue in my mouth as far as it could go and just wiggled it back and forth like was a pencil erasure and he had a whole ream to go." At the time, that's exactly what I imagined the tongue did every time I saw a couple lock lips on TV. I was way too scared then to ask her what she would have preferred he. Which didn't matter because I was also too scared to ever try and kiss her anyway, but I wish I would have asked then.

Second, I make myself aware. When I am kissing someone I am constantly asking myself questions: What are my hands doing, where are they, how long have the been there? What are my lips doing? Have I been doing the exact same motions over and over? How is she reacting to what I do? What sounds or faces is she making? Oh, she just went 'Mmmm' when I did that... okay I will try that again.

Third, as with all situations, I apply my scriptures. One of the most successful things that I have found in learning how to kiss is the application of the Golden Rule. When Jesus said it he said, "whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them." [matt.7:12] While I am being kissed I take note of the things, techniques, applications that a girl uses on me. If something happens during a make-out and I think, "That felt good, I like that," then that's the time to plug whatever "that" was into the Golden Rule. Take a kiss on the neck, for example.

Kissing in the Golden Rule: Whatsoever way ye would that women kiss you, do ye even so to them."
Kissing the neck: Kiss others on the neck because you like being kissed on the neck.

See how simple? The first time a girl pulled out of a lip lock and nuzzled her face to my neck was astonishing. She only kissed me three or four times softly and then moved back to the straight kissing. It blew my mind. So, several minutes later I returned the favor. Which was received by one of those "Mmm" sounds.

I kissed a different girl months later and remembered how much I liked being kissed on the neck. So, I kissed her on the neck. She never kissed my neck back, but, she thought I was a great kisser and therefore wanted to keep kissing me. That's still a win. Sure, she didn't kiss my neck, but this girl ran her hand up the back of my neck and pulled my head in a little tighter during a deep kiss. I liked that... took note of her timing and added it to my bag of tricks.

Of course, some of the things I like she won't and vice versa. Also, I recognize that men and women are different and require different things in a kiss... but as a general rule the Golden one is a good foundation.

The same goes for things you don't like. Sanders actually used to stick her tongue directly into my ear canal during a make-out sesh... I hated it. I followed suit though thinking she must have liked it if she was doing it to me. Even though she never reacted the way she did when I did something I knew she liked... like softly licking her top lip before kissing it. We got to a point where we were comfortable talking about how we kissed and discovered that we both hated the "ear canal slurp".

Which brings me to the final kissing "must do". Be comfortable talking about it. Be prepared to be told one of your stand bye moves might be no bueno. Ask what you can do. Be adaptable. Each and every person is different - I know that, even in my limited kissing experience. Also, variety makes for bomb make-outs.

Holy fetching RANT! Sorry. Actually I am not sorry... you know what else? Guys work a lot harder at this than girls do. Girls very seldom put any thought into kissing. Sometimes when I talk to them it never occurred to them to consider what a guy wants her to do... As I look back on my rant I see many times where I say "obviously" and "of course" but really, this isn't as common sense as it should be. Ladies, please! Having nice stems and a sweet tushy is not going to save you if you suck at kissing... and by extension, suck at making love (under the new and everlasting covenant).

Case in point, Shaleese and I got to her door post date and started kissing. There was a lot of sexual tension from the training and what was a very flirtatious date. She eluded to being a good kisser several times on the date. Fact: Shaleese may be the worst kisser I have ever swapped saliva with. She asked me to come in after a few minutes on the porch, which I did, but after about 20 minutes I was sooo bored. She was lifeless. She was passionless. It was as if she has always thought. "I am a hot girl and boys want to put their mouth on mine so I let them. No big."

Shaleese barely moved her mouth or tongue. She just sort of left her mouth half open. Her hands never moved or squeezed my arms a little tighter. She just closed her eyes and let it happen. It became clear to me that she had never put one single thought into the art of the kiss.

If you are reading this, I want you to find the sweatiest hairless body part (not your own) that won't make you second guess partaking of the sacrament on Sunday, and rub your face in it slowly and firmly for 20 or so minutes. Then, and only then, will you be capable of understanding why I will not, can not, date Shaleese. I have no respect for people with no kissing improvement agenda.


Sunday, May 23, 2010

My Mom Caught Me!

I got busted for throwing water balloons at cars when I was in jr high. My dad worked with this lady whose husband was a police officer with the Roy City Police Department. As punishment for throwing water balloons at cars, my dad arranged for me to ride along with Officer Evertsen one night. I pretended to be mad at this punishment, but I was secretly excited. I couldn't wait to put on a bullet proof vest and provide back up for an actual Roy City cop. That's not how it turned out.

I ended up sitting in the car during most of his calls. It was so boring. It was during one of my 30 minute stints in the passenger seat that I realized how heavily edited COPS is on TV. Each one of the situations on COPS that lasts six minutes on TV actually lasts two hours in real life. I felt kind of bad for Officer Evertsen, though. I could tell he felt bad that the night was so uninteresting. A call came in that there were some kids throwing rotten apples at cars. I was stoked. I thought he might actually let me get out of the car to chase down my peers. Unfortunately we didn't find them.

Then a call came in that sounded pretty cool. A train driver (engineer?) had called to report seeing what looked like a dead body off to the side of the tracks. I think we were both equally excited. When we got close to where the body was reported, he turned off the road and started driving on a dirt road that ran parallel to the tracks. He was driving slowly and asked me to use the light on the side of the car to look for the body. He said to me, "You look at that side and I'll check this side." It was like we were looking for an address or something... only it wasn't an address. We were looking for a mangled corpse. As I peered out the passenger side of the car, Officer Evertsen was telling me about how some people jump in front of trains when they want to kill themselves. As he was talking, I started to get pretty scared. I decided I didn't really want to see a dead body.

Then I saw something mostly hidden in the tall grass. I got a knot in my stomach, throat and all five of my appendages. I said, "I think I see something." He stopped the car and cranked his light around to where mine was shining. A slideshow of gruesome images started going through my head. Most of them were photos of the farm injuries I found on the internet. Body parts that didn't even look like body parts. Then I heard Officer Evertsen say, "That's just a bag of concrete. Dang." "Dang." I echoed. Once I was told it wasn't a body, I kind of wished it was... mostly cause it would have been a great story to tell my friends.

"Well, let's keep driving to see if we can find anything else... but that's probably what the guy saw." We finished our patrol and didn't see any bodies. Then Officer Evertsen decided that he'd had enough of our uneventful evening. "How about if we go back to the station and I'll show you some file photo's of other suicides we've had on these tracks." The thought of seeing pictures instead of an actual body sounded much more appealing to me.

We drove back to the station and he busted out some seriously awesome photo's of other train track suicides. Totally bitchin'. I won't describe the photo's in too much detail, but one of the pictures he showed me didn't appear to be a photo of much of anything. Then he said, "Do you see that right there?" He pointed to a small object that could have been anything. He asked, "Do you know what that is?" I told him I didn't have any idea. He said, "That's the roof of the guy's mouth."

It was seriously one of the most enjoyable times of my life... up to that point.

I got set up on a date last night. Her name is Carrie. As I was driving to her house to pick her up, I realized that I had no idea what her last name was. I had spoken to her on the phone a couple of times, but didn't think to ask her last name.

She was the only one at home when I got there. She invited me in and told me she needed to do one final thing before we left. When she went into the other room, I decided to check out the mail on the table to see if I could find something addressed to her. I saw something from an Attorney's Office and I saw a collection notice from Columbia House Music Club (who doesn't owe those savages money?) addressed to Carrie Evertsen.

Turns out Carrie's dad is the officer I rode along with eight years ago. I told her the story about my ride-along. It was the most entertaining part of the date, unfortunately.

See, that's why I told the story about my ride-along with Carrie's dad instead of my date with Carrie. It was a much more interesting blog post that way. Carrie has an overbite and her eyes are too far apart. Oh... and I'm pretty sure she's not Mormon.


Friday, May 21, 2010

Weighing In

With all my goings on with Claire, Andrea, Shaleese, and ugly-kissing-traps of late, I haven't had a chance to weigh in on our new roommates or talk about much else. So, since there is nothing interesting to write about - except for maybe the run in I had with Todd Herzog while doing my second to last day of Census detail yesterday... but no one wants to hear about that. (I did get a pic though!)

Tim is a pretty cool guy. I like him. He has one of those "radio voice's" which makes me wish I could get him to church so he could bless the sacrament because that would sound awesome (motivation for missionary work). My only irritation with him so far is that he does these courtesy laughs where it seems like he realizes mid-laugh that it may seem a little disingenuous so he over compensates by laughing much harder and longer than would ever be necessary. It makes for an experience which usually leaves whoever is in the room with a pained look on their face, that reminds me of a 10 year old playing the sunflower in the school play.

Best Tim quote:
"You know Jake, the use of a that's-what-she-said joke during a Sunday school class discussion is always appropriate... if properly timed."

Gabe was a good companion of mine on the mish... I wouldn't say one of the best, but he was in the top 2/3's. Part of the problem with Gabe is that he and I have very little in common. He is a pretty boy, whereas I am more of a bum/gutter. The guy loves cars do much he has to go see his Bishop every time that he sees a nice one, whereas I don't know the difference between an Audi A4 or A8. I knew before I asked Gabe to move in that Calvin would probably hate him, (which Calvin didn't learn until proofreading this) but I have kind of taken on the management side of our "business" and we need renters, so I figure if anything, Calvin's distaste for Gabe will just lead to some hilarious mockery later on. Meanwhile the bills are paid.

Best Gabe quote:
"When I get a Pagani Zonda I can sleep with any girl I want. Where can I get $675,000 dollars and fornication pass?"

Aaron is still gay. He had his birthday this week and we all forgot, but he didn't say anything to anyone. It's not like theres Facebook or phone reminders or Outlook calendars to remind us of things like this. Aaron decided to never bring it up, and then, after his birthday he tries to bust some guilt trip on us. Doesn't that sound gay to you...? Obviously I mean "gay" in a the NOT-homosexual kind of way, (not that I needed to explain that to you) though, I suspect Aaron is that kind of gay too... just check the tile in the kitchen.

Best Aaron quote:
"Dude, an entrechat has nothing to do with any of the five positions. So you're just making yourself sound retarded."

Lance let some girl talk him into bleaching his hair recently. She did a crappy job and it went a weird yellow color. He now looks like an evil German version of himself.

Best Lance quote:
"I've got all the steeze this house needs guys."

Nick still doesn't live with us but he is over at our house 6 nights a week. That's literally the most interesting thing about him... except that he's short and we tease him for it.

Best Nick quote:
"I'm not is sure is my argument is you is is yours?"

Andrea still hasn't called. Which is causing me measurable amounts of stress. I caught myself looking through my phone for pictures of us together. I only have one! Which really bums me out. Especially because in it she is making one of those faces where you fill your cheeks with air and make your chin disappear so it looks like you have 37 necks. It's hard to say, "Look at this pic, this is the girl I let go." Without someone responding with something like, "Are you sure that isn't a picture of you with your arm around Stephen Hawking?" I'm calling Andrea if she doesn't call me soon. At least that's what I think today. Tomorrow... I might change my mind.

Best Andrea quote:
"I always thought it said, 'Buy this shalmano' like shalmano was a word I'd learn when I was older... 'By this shall men know?' duh Andrea!"

Claire actually called me to apologize for Monday. She said that Adam called her after she invited me and begged her to take him back. She admitted that she didn't know what to do but tried to make it a group thing. She exclaimed how embarrassed she was. She also told me how embarrassed Adam was, to which I told her that he was a tool and that she could do way better. She went on to say how glad she was that I was there. That that somehow made it easier for her to hook up with the geezer right in front of me. I'm pretty bitter still, so she can suck it.

Best Claire quote:
"Jake, you've got moxie and that's really attractive."

Shaleese has agreed to go out with me this coming weekend. I was suddenly empowered after I found one of Wendy's red hairs somehow wrapped around the strap of my flip flop. I'm pretty excited for our date. I just hope she wears some pink, because if not that will ruin all of my material for the evening. I definitely need to move on because I'm not liking the way I am portraying myself on this blog. I'm really kind of a wiener... I should make myself sound way cooler than I actually am since no one knows who I am.

Best Shaleese quote: "I can think of at least 6 places I'd rather be than on a date Saturday night... buuut, there's no way any of those are happening so, yes."

Best Calvin quote: "If you knew for a fact, right now, that in 5 years she would be fat, would you stop dating her?"

Best Jake quote: "Dude... you look like an evil German version of yourself, I keep expecting Indiana Jones to come around the corner."


Wednesday, May 19, 2010


His name isn't really "Gaybe". It's Gabe. If you've read more than three of my blog posts, you know that I look for any reason at all to use the word "gay". Mostly cause I think it's hilarious. It also helps to keep some of our easily offended readers at gay... I mean at bay. Sorry. That one was on accident for reals.

Gabe served with Jake in Ireland. After I came home, Jake still had a few months left and Elder Smart came in to take my place. Elder Gabe Smart. I never knew him. He had been out for a little over a year and he'd been in a different part of our mission. Gabe got back from his mission last month and Jake mentioned to him that we had some rooms for rent. He jumped on it pretty quick.

The same week Gabe got back to Utah, he asked if we had anyone we could set him up with... like on a date. Holly and Melanie have still been hanging out at our house a lot and it's getting pretty old. I'm not sure what they're doing. I mean, they've been hanging out with us for the last year. I guess they're pretty cool and everything, but it's borderline irritating. Jake and I have been tempted lately to tell them to stop coming around. They're kinda getting in the way of our other plans. We're trying to expand our "finding pool" to include the largest variety of women as possible and it seems like Holly and Melanie are stagnant.

When Gabe asked if we could set him up with someone, Jake gave him Melanie's phone number. I'm not really sure what the plan was at the time, but they've actually hit it off pretty well. I'm not sure if Gabe likes her because they made out on the first date... and I'm not sure if Melanie likes him because she can't get anyone else living at our house. But either way, they've been dating for about six weeks. Gabe is in the process of moving into our house. It's pretty exciting to have some rent money rolling in finally. If we can just scrounge up a couple more renters, Jake and I will be in pretty good shape.

Melanie stopped by the other night looking for Gabe, but he had gone to his parents house to pick up a few more of his things. She decided to hang out and wait for him. No big deal since she probably would have been hanging out at our house anyway. Jake and I decided to take the opportunity to ask her to tell us about how things were going with her "boyfriend", Gabe.

Jake: So, Mel... how are things going with Gabe?
Mel: Good. He's a great guy. He's so romantic?
Calvin: Really? How can he afford to be romantic? He just barely got a job.
Mel: He doesn't spend a lot of money. That's not what I mean. I mean... he's just so sweet and loving. He's definitely my type.

Jake and I exchanged a loving smirk.

Jake: That's odd. I wonder why he never came on to me when we served together. Yup... that's how gay he sounds.

I start laughing, of course, cause Jake is so hilarious.

Mel (getting defensive): He's not gay at all. Trust me. He's anything but gay.
Calvin: So what does he do that's so romantic?
Mel: Well... for example... last night we were hanging out and kissing and stuff. Then Gabe started telling me how attractive I am and asked if I'd mind if he just stared at me.
Jake: He wanted to stare at you?
Mel: Yeah. He said he'd love it if he could stare at me for 30 full minutes. I said 'sure'... so he did.

Jake and I just looked at Melanie for 5-7 seconds... waiting for the punchline.

It never came.

Jake: What do you mean, "He did."?
Mel: I mean, he did. He stared at me for a half hour.
Calvin (short pause): He sat across from you and stared at your face for 30 minutes?
Mel: Yeah.

Jake and I started laughing pretty hard. I mean, who does that? Seriously.

Jake (still laughing): Who does that? Seriously.
Mel: It was the sweetest thing, guys. I don't know why it's so funny.
Calvin (still laughing): Was it like a staring contest?
Mel: No. He wasn't just staring at my eyes. He was looking at my whole face. Like he wanted to memorize it or something.
Jake (laughing): Did he ask you to turn your head so he could see your face from different angles?
Mel (getting irritated): No. He didn't. But he moved around a little bit so he could see everything he wanted to see.
Calvin (laughing): Where were you? Were all the lights on?
Mel: We were in his room at his parents house. The lights were off, but he used the light from his cell phone when he needed to see something better.
Jake: So for 30 minutes, you and Gabe are sitting in a dark room and he was just staring at you with the light from his cell phone?
Mel: Yeah.
Cal: What did you guys talk about?
Mel: He didn't want to talk. Whenever I tried to talk, he would say, "Shhhhh. I'm busy."

At this point my stomach is hurting cause I'm laughing so hard. I was just picturing this situation that Melanie was describing.

Jake (between fits of laughter): Didn't you get uncomfortable at all during this whole thing?
Mel (thinking): A little bit. I felt a little bit creeped out by the end, but it was still sweet.
Cal: How did it end? I gotta know how this story ends.
Mel: It was perfect. His cell phone alarm went off and he leaned over and kissed me.
Jake: Wait, he set the alarm on his cell phone before this all started?
Mel: Yeah. He said he didn't want to be distracted by looking away to check the time.

There you have it. Gabe is in the process of moving in to one of our downstairs bedrooms. Hopefully some of his womanizing technique can rub off on the rest of us... minus the "creepy".


Monday, May 17, 2010

Ugly Turn of Events

I haven't got the "hey-I'm-getting-married-and-wanted-to-call-and-tell-you-about-it-for-some-reason-that-you-probably-can't-fathom-a-reason-you-can't-even-pretend-to-know-for-this-blog-post-because-if-you-could-that-would-mean-you-could-fathom-a-reason-for-this-informative-yet-painful-phone-call" call from Andrea that she said she was going to make.

Meanwhile life goes on. Claire's relationship with Old Adam has been a little rocky lately. She has called me on a couple of occasions to talk. Occasions which I have avoided because I don't want to console her or advise her on her boyfriend issues and jump into "the friend zone".

I'll admit, I've been overly inquisitive with those close to her to find out "the skinny" on the situation. Apparently, Old Adam has changed in recent weeks. Criticizing things like the cleanliness of her house, or things that she has chosen to wear. Things, which to me sound silly that I can't believe any man would have issue with. Also he has been described by my sources as being extra "needy" and "insecure" in recent days.

Then today, Claire put up three Facebook statuses that alluded to them breaking up. "Claire knows that she is a great catch, and thinks she should be treated like one." "Claire is tired of hearing I'm sorry over and over again while nothing changes." "Claire this time baby I'll be bulletproof" Then around 5 o'clock today she changed her relationship status on Facebook from "in a relationship" to "single".

At about six, I got a call from Claire. She tells me that she needs a pick-me-up. She says that she wants to take advantage of the nice weather and go up one of the canyons and maybe do a campfire or something. I offer to invite my roommates, but she admits she hasn't had a good day and that she was hoping for a little "Jake" time.

This was it, I was especially liking the terms "pick-me-up" and "Jake time." During our phone conversation I had to keep myself from making some horrible comment like, "Don't worry baby, I'll Jake you up" while repeatedly raising and lowering my eyebrows. Here's my chance to swoop in and show her that I was not a "friend zone" kinda guy.

So, I get to Claires place and sure enough, no Adam in sight and she is dressed in flannel (totally back in style by the way... I see chicks in it everywhere) and she has a sleeping bag and some blankets piled up on the chair. I give her a hug and tell her I'm sorry for her bad day. I tell her how cute she looks and then Wendy walks in from her room. She is wearing flannel too... A little surprised, I make one of those "didn't get the memo" jokes and I notice (unfortunately) that Wendy is carrying a sleeping bag too, which she sets on the chair with the rest.

I guess that Claire wants some Jake and Wendy time. The Two girls talk about smores and food and before I know it we are all piled into Wendy's car heading out. At some point during all the jokes and conversation Claire says to Wendy, "He's going to meet us at the mouth of the canyon." I'm not certain but I think I may have done a double take. The question in my head and probably yours too? Jake and Wendy time plus "who else" time? Claire notices the confused look on my face and says, "Adam is going to meet us there."

I realize there will be no "Jaking me up"'s for Claire tonight (or for me, depending on how you look at it). I said, "Maybe my Facebook was broken today, but I could of sworn... Claire cuts me short and says, "I changed it back just before you got to my house. I was being a little too dramatic today." She makes her trademarked cute little oopsie grin, which, in most cases makes a difference. Right now, it did not.

I began to visualize the coming evening and I didn't like it. Me, Claire, Adam, and Wendy in the woods in the dark. Right after Claire and Adam had a rough day. I knew the would be of whispering and stuff leaving me to hang with Wendy. I started to feel very not excited with my plight... but what could I do, I was stuck in the car already committed to this little adventure.

As per usual Adam is like 45 minutes later than he says he's gonna be, and it's almost 8:00 before we even get going. Adam gets in the car we head up the canyon to try and find a good campfire spot. Things aren't looking to good as all the spots we try are either closed or full. I start to hope that we will call the whole thing off and just go back to Claire's complex. That's where my car is at. That's where I can escape. The sun starts going down and Adam suggests we at least just go catch the sunset. My suggestion to just go catch a movie at the cineplex is mocked because of the niceness of the day.

We go back down the canyon and get into Adams truck and he drives us to some barren "up on the east side" road. We park on the side of the road. The view was phenomenal, but there was nowhere to sit or lay in all the gravel. So what do we do, we all climb into the back of the pick-up. Adam and Claire are of course snuggling. Which left Wendy and me. Pick-up beds aren't very big and Wendy kept getting closer and nudging her way into my embrace.

I try to keep a 4 person conversation going for as long as I can, but Claire and Adam keep whispering to each other. At this point everything is completely out of my control. All I want is to get out of here. Instead Claire and Adam end up lying down whispering and kissing. The natural course of action that Wendy interprets is to follow suit.

It got dark.

I was not talking.

I was spooning with Wendy.

I could see the stars okay.

I hear the soft smacking of lips from Claire's side of the pick-up. (I say side of the pick-up but really I could have stretched my arm out and caressed Adams shoulder)

We were probably only there for half an hour, but it seems to me like forever. It was horrible. I was trapped. Not trapped. Tortured.

Wendy's okay. I like her, she can get a little annoying and finds way too many opportunities to be judgmental but she is fun and easy to talk to. This situation might have been okay, except that Wendy starts trying to turn our "lay down" in the dark into something more. First, she says while spooning, "Why don't you snuggle me?" So I sort of shuffle my hands around in a massaging fashion on her back. My heart wasn't in it so I'm sure it sucked. So she tells me to tickle her arm in a very specific way, which involves her grabbing my arms and demonstrating like I am a puppet.

Then in one horrifying instance she rolls over. Of course she does. Our noses are almost touching. She whispers, "Jake, do you want to kiss me?" I don't. I don't want to think about kissing her. I try to think of something to say, someway to let her down easy. I definitely don't want to delay and have her interpret my hesitation as cutesy nervousness convincing her to take the initiative and just plant a wet one on me. I say, "No." It's dark enough now that I can't see her face, but I can see a little light reflecting in the whites of her eyes and can tell they are moving back and forth like she is confused. We lay there. Not another word is spoken between us.

I wish that my "no" stemmed from my feelings for Claire. That I don't want to Kiss Wendy because it might ruin my chances. I wish it were because I don't have feelings for Wendy... or some other slightly noble reason. I would even be happy to blame it on this bad night and getting my hopes up only to be made a fool. Not just any fool but an epically foolish fool-hardy fool.

The truth is though, the honest to goodness truth is that I don't want to kiss her because she is ugly. So unattractive, no, so ugly, that the thought of kissing her makes me ill. Physically ill. If any of the other girls in Claire's complex were here I would kiss them without hesitation. Just like I did with Daisy. Shallow? Un-Christlike? Yes I know. The fact that I know that those two things are the case doesn't change the fact that that's how I feel.

Wendy closed her eyes and just laid there for probably 20 more minutes while we listened to Claire and Adam smooch. Finally, I called out into the night, "Should we go to Carl's Jr? I can hear a chocolate shake screaming my name from here." There is some silence for about 10 seconds when Adam says, "You're reading my mind, Bro."

Wendy didn't utter a word to me for the rest of the night and is obviously moping. Claire and Adam seemed happy. I'm so glad I could be there for their little make-up make-out. Jerks.

I am pissed off...


Sunday, May 16, 2010

Faux Dream

Kristen is doing everything right in this situation. It sucks pretty bad, cause I keep looking for reasons to justify my behavior, but she's not giving me anything to work with. I hate when girls do that.

I recognize how little sense I'm making right now. I dedicated an entire post to my history with Kristen. I purposely went out of my way to make sure you understood how awesome she is. And I still do think she's great, which makes it even harder to explain my attitude and behavior.

It's weird, too, cause since I've been writing this blog I've been forced to look at myself through the eye's of other people. I pretend like the comments don't influence my actions, but they might, you know? Most normal guys don't have blogs. They don't tell their stories. And if they DO tell their stories and if they're gay enough to actually blog, then the people who read their blog are probably friends and family. Everyone knows that those people can't be trusted to speak their minds... at least not as openly and honestly as complete strangers, like you douchers.

So Jake and I write this blog. We read the comments. We publish 98% of them. But we still make bad decisions and stupid mistakes. It's like we have 75 sets of parents and they're all telling us to do the same things. The funny part is, we know what we should do. We just don't do it. We're just as good at ignoring you as we are at ignoring our real parents.

Everyone tells me to just call Kristen. I know I should call her. But I haven't. And I probably won't. Why? Because I don't really want to. Sure, she's one of my best high school buddies. But who cares? We're not in high school anymore. She lives 35 miles away. I don't see her very often anyway. What am I really losing? She'll get married in the next few years and I won't be far behind her hopefully. Then what? It's not like we're gonna still be friends. Seriously. That's what marriage is, isn't it? Aren't we supposed to leave our friends behind and cling to our spouse? I'm sure I've heard that somewhere. I'll still keep Jake close to my heart, but I honestly don't expect to keep any of my female friends, so what's the difference? It's either leave her behind now or in a couple of years.

So if I'm not going to marry Kristen (which I'm not), then what's the point? Before we made out my argument would have been different, but only because I secretly wanted to roll around with her. I don't expect girls to understand, but it's almost impossible for me (and most guys?) to honestly assess my feelings for a girl until I've had my tongue in her mouth. Once I've kissed a girl for an extended period of time, then I can actually step back and dissect my feelings without the burden of horizontal curiosity. I'm constantly amazed with how much I think I like a girl until I kiss her. It's like... when our lips touch I can physically feel my interest waning. With each nibble of her ear, I think, "This is fun... but I'm not really interested in this girl."

I'm rambling. I know. Kristen called me on Friday. I let it go to voice mail... like I usually do. I heard my phone beep about two minutes after it stopped ringing. I noticed she had left me a message. I felt like I do when debt collectors call. I was tempted to delete it without listening to it like I do with my overdue bill messages. If I don't hear the message then it never existed.

I couldn't bring myself to listen to it... or delete it. So the message sat there for about two hours while I watched TV. I had a hard time focusing, though, cause I really wanted to know what Kristen had to say... but I simultaneously wanted Kristen to live in Canada.

I listened to it and it made my stomach hurt. I tried half-heartedly to figure out a way to upload her message to the blog, but then figured I'd also need to figure out a way to change her voice, so I just gave up. I will transpose the message she left in it's entirety:

"Hey Calvin. It's Kristen. I haven't heard from you in a few days. (sigh) I had the weirdest dream I wanted to tell you about. (pause) I dreamed that you were avoiding me because you felt... uncomfortable talking to me about something. In my dream, I kept telling you that you didn't need to feel stupid. I begged you to not leave me behind cause I think you were leaving or moving on in some way or something. I did everything I could think of to make sure you felt okay about whatever was bothering you. So anyway... weird dream, huh? I hope to talk to you soon, Calvin. See ya."

It was pretty obvious that Kristen didn't really have any dream... but I thought it was a creative way to get it out in the open. I'm not really interested, though. We have a lot of other things going on this summer and I'm pretty sure I'll be just fine without Kristen in my life. She is pretty awesome, though.


Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Marriage Jake Built

Some shocking news... well not sure if shocking is the right word for it, but... as I mentioned before, Aaron "dates" (that is, he makes-out with on the occasional evening, when he doesn't have a make-out or actual date scheduled with someone else) Andrea's cousin, Carla aka Freckles. Today, Aaron called me from work and said, "Guess what Carla just told me?" I knew it was about Andrea, and I figured if Aaron was calling me from work he had probably heard it at lunch today and couldn't wait to get home to tell me. I braced myself for bad news. "What?" I said. Aaron replied, "Andrea is getting married." My heart sank at the news.

Over the past few months Andrea has become my 'the girl that got away' story. I have compared every girl since to my relationship with her. Right now even, I continue to draw parallels to Claire that I recognize are influencing my decision.

I'm not sure how to think or what to do about it. Or of I should do anything at all. The whole idea seems bittersweet. Sweet, because if she does get married, that would give me a feeling of closure and I could actually think that leaving her was the right thing to do. Bitter, because as of now, looking back I made a terrible choice. What (if any) growth I have experienced over the past six months has taught me that leaving someone because I perceive them as being better than me is an awful idea. When I go back and read her letter, the things that she said about me, and the way she felt about me... makes me worry that no one will ever feel that way about me again.

I had been silent on the phone for about as long as it took to read what I just wrote. Aaron finally said, "Yeah, it's that fireman guy, too." I imagined him on the other end of the phone doodling in the margins of some note pad with a grin. I wanted to punch him in the face. He seemed to relish delivering this message too much. I said, "Thought so." Aaron said, "Sorry, man. Carla said that Andrea was telling her that she felt like she needed to call you." I replied, "Hmm, well that'll be weird."


Monday, May 10, 2010

Tim Gone Wild

We got a new room mate this week. His name is Tim. We've had several people call about our ad on KSL, Yahoo, and our new one on Craig's List, but only a few people so far have actually come over for a tour. We haven't outlined any specific requirements in order to live in our house and we're wondering if that may actually be hurting us somehow. We've thought recently that maybe people would be more interested in living with us if we made ourselves sound more spiritually strict than we really are. Didn't a Prophet say something about how we marry the sames types of girls that we date? Well, if we want LDS roomies, maybe we should be specific in our ad that we're looking for spiritual giants.

Tim isn't a spiritual giant, but he's pretty cool. When he called, he asked if we'd object to him coming over and checking out our place. When I got home from taking my last final, I came in the back door and noticed Lance was heating up a Hot Pocket. I pretended to be interested in what Lance was saying as I casually went to the freezer to make sure Lance wasn't heating up one of my Hot Pockets. He wasn't. Then I wandered into the front room and noticed a complete stranger sitting on our couch watching TV. I've grown accustomed to strangers in our house. I always assume that the stranger is friends with one of my room mates, and so far I've always been correct in that assumption. I walked past the stranger and got on the computer to see if I had any messages from hotties on my LDSmingle account. Lance came into the room about five minutes later cradling his Hot Pocket on a paper towel. He sat on the opposite side of the couch from the stranger and started watching TV, as well.

Lance and I bantered a bit about whether or not I actually felt like it was possible for me to meet my Eternal Companion on the world wide web. The stranger laughed at our banter and occasionally contributed to our meaningless conversation. Aaron wandered in about 15 minutes later, sat on the bench and started opening his mail. Nobody was paying any special attention to the stranger on the couch.

Then Jake came in. He sat down in the recliner and said, "Did you guys meet Tim?" We all introduced ourselves and then Jake said, "He's thinking about moving in, but wanted to come over and check out the atmosphere first." I wish Jake would have told me that beforehand because his rent money has become pretty important to our little business venture.

We've decided that in the future, when a potential tenant calls about renting a room, we're gonna invite him over and then promptly call as many girls as possible and have them "drop by" while we're giving him the tour. Luckily, Lance knows more than his share of hotties and appears willing to help out by inviting them over. The problem is, Lance is all talk. He always claims to have all sorts of hook-ups, but things seldom pan out as smoothly as he claims they will.

I guess Tim was pleased with our set-up. He moved in last Monday. It's pretty cool cause he's old so nobody really considers him a threat to our womanizing goals. On top of all that, he's divorced and isn't active in church anymore. He told us that he served a mission, married in the temple but that his wife left him after he supported her through school. (See everyone. A smart woman is a dangerous woman. Much more difficult to control.) Anyway, I guess the best way to describe Tim is as a 26 year old inactive divorcee who is less attractive than me... in my opinion. I like him living with us so far, mostly because I'm not threatened by him at all.

I did notice that he got a Netflix in the mail the other day and it was Girls Gone Wild. I'm wondering if Lance and Tim are going to feed off of each other. The sooner we can get some young, church-going blokes in our house the better. I never want to be outnumbered, unless we're talking about identical foreign exchange student twins who have always wondered what it's like to kiss an average looking Mormon with a great sense of humor. Then I wouldn't mind so much being outnumbered.


Saturday, May 8, 2010

Finals Week

How grateful I am that I got kicked out of college last semester. Claire, Calvin, and every other friend of mine who is in college has been so incredibly busy with finals.

Every invite and activity seems to be thwarted with some sort of excuse involving the word "finals".

This has given me and Lance a little more time to hang out over the past few days.

Lance has the ability to hang out with and make out with a few different girls at the same time. Something I have always thought I would be good at, but that I've never really had a chance to try out.

It's always good to see Lance in action. Even though I will often discount his success by saying that it is only because he is so good looking. I do have to give him some credit. He has definitely learned how to maximize his chick pulling abilities.

With everyone else out of commission for finals week, we went on a little man date. Our goal was to meet some new girls. We went to Red Rock for dinner, and while there, there was a table of 3 girls sitting on the other side of the restaurant. He kept making eye contact and finally said, "Those girls are into us." I turned around to look, and they were looking right at us. I quickly jerked back around, embarrassed, and said, "Nice dude... they totally busted me." Lance said, "Yeah, that's what I was hoping for. Hold on." Then he stood up and walked over to their table.

I couldn't hear what was said, but I heard them all laughing a couple of times. One of those times was after Lance pointed at me. Then I saw Lance talking to a server for a minute. Next thing I knew Lance and I were sitting next to these three girls all at a new table getting to know each other.

I was amazed at Lance's courage. Maybe it was the fact that girls always told him (these three included) amidst giddy giggles that he looked like Leonardo Dicaprio. There is no way I could ever imagine doing what I just saw him do. Unless maybe I was Leonardo Dicaprio.

We made some new friends. Karla, Amie, and Cassie. Honestly, they were cuter from the other side of the restaurant. Karla was the best looking and she was on Lance from minute one. I was able to be pretty funny and did a good job of playing wingman. I'm pretty sure that I could have had my choice between Amie and Cassie... but Shaleese and Claire are more attractive and more interesting. Still it was a pretty impressive display by Lance.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Emotional Enema

I'm pretty sure I've done irreparable damage to my relationship with Kristen. I didn't do it on purpose. It just kind of happened. I've been trying my best to figure out how to tell this story. For our regular readers, it might seem odd that we think certain topics are "off-limits", but we do. There are some things we know are crossing the line, so we don't talk about them. I could give you a list of topics we've avoided, but then we wouldn't be avoiding them, would we?

When I began this post, I was tempted to just say, "Well, things didn't work out with Kristen" and leave it at that, but that wouldn't be fair to you guys. A lot of you appear to be as involved in this situation as I am and I want to make sure you're aware of the mistakes I made... even if the only reason is so you can avoid similar mistakes in your own life down the road.

That said, however, I feel like we have enough spiritually sensitive readers that I don't have a choice but to be slightly vague and purposely unclear. I hope that the majority of you are mature and experienced enough to comprehend the details I choose to allude to. Bottom line: If you don't "get it", then you probably shouldn't "get it". Nuff said.

(Additional Note: I have typed the subsequent paragraph three times and it continues to come across as much too vulgar no matter how obscure I try to be. I've decided to tell a parallel story in hopes you'll be able to read between the lines. Maybe I shouldn't care as much as I do... but I honestly don't want to put anyone off. Let's proceed.)

Dr. Pepper burns my throat, but I think it tastes so delicious. Last time I saw Kristen, we both drank a whole bunch of Dr. Pepper and we both really really enjoyed it, but by the end of our date, my throat was red and inflamed due to all of my Dr. Pepper consumption.

Kristen has been calling me a lot and I'm pretty sure she has several liters of Dr. Pepper she wants to bring over to my house to share with me. But since my throat has been hurting so badly, I decided to not let her come over. I don't want her to know that Dr. Pepper hurts my throat, cause that just makes me sound stupid.

Yesterday afternoon I noticed my throat was all better. I was really glad because I hadn't been able to drink any Dr. Pepper... or any carbonated beverage for so long and I was getting pretty thirsty for that sort of liquid. I thought briefly about closing myself in my room and just chugging a 20 oz'er as fast as I could, but then I remembered that Kristen had been trying to share her Dr. Pepper for the last nine days. I didn't want to quench my thirst with my own soda and then not be thirsty when Kristen came over to share.

I called Kristen and apologized for being so distracted lately and I asked her if she was interested in coming over to my house to hang out for a little while. Kristen was very receptive to my suggestion. Just as I expected, when Kristen arrived at my house last night she had brought over a couple of one-liter bottles of Dr. Pepper. I said, "Is one of those for me?" Kristen handed me one of the bottles and smiled.

Then I noticed Kristen was pulling something else out of the plastic bag. It was two Dr. Pepper glasses and a bag of ice. Kristen appeared to be ready for a whole evening of drinking Dr. Pepper. Before I had a chance to thank Kristen for being so generous, I noticed my Dr. Pepper bottle was empty. Apparently, while Kristen was getting the glasses and ice out of her bag, I had inadvertently drank my entire liter without even realizing it. I drank it so quickly that my throat didn't even have a chance to burn. I noticed Kristen's gaze drifting toward my empty bottle. I stood up quickly and hid the bottle behind my back so she couldn't see it. Kristen was just barely getting ready to crack open her own Dr. Pepper and here I was... already done with my own.

I didn't know what to do. Kristen was really confused. She looked at me and asked, "Are you ok? Is everything all right?" I didn't know what to say. I felt stupid for being so impatient. I thought about explaining what happened... telling her that I should have waited... or at least tried to wait for her to get comfortable. But I didn't. I lied. Again.

"I don't think this is a good idea." Kristen looked like she wanted to say something. Instead of just telling Kristen about my empty bottle, I told her that we shouldn't be drinking Dr. Pepper because it has caffeine. I'm sure I sounded like a complete moron. She was very aware of every other time I'd consumed caffeinated beverages. But she didn't say anything. She agreed with me... because technically I was right. Then she left.

Do I like Kristen? Yes, I do. But I don't like her enough to tell her about my premature ingestion of our favorite carbonated drink. I felt stupid and I inadvertently made Kristen feel stupid, too.

So there you have it. Bridge successfully burned.


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Grab Yourself

Only recently have I started to question the origins and continued use of the term "grab yourself by the balls and..." I have pictured myself having to do some courageous thing like slay a dragon or spit game in a rap-off with Eminem. I gotta say that in every instance I thought about, where I have to do anything, I only see benefits to having both of my hands free.

Of course being a soccer player I considered the "wall" players make to defend a free kick. I know that in that instance, grabbing oneself is done to protect the tender organs, and by virtue of protecting said organs one has more courage to stand there and take it. Really though, the soccer scenario involves waiting for something to happen, and not going and doing anything. This curiosity, of course, stems from what you, our readers, seem to think passes for advice in my dating endeavors regarding my nervous demeanor around attractive members of the opposite sex. (Unless I pull off a very smooth and confident encounter) It gets repeated time and time again that I should proceed to grab myself and "...just ask her out." or "...tell her how you feel." or "...kiss her."

I admit that I do envy those of you who have the courage to just do those kinds of things without fear of rejection. I do not have that luxury. Call me names. I don't mind really. Tell me how I am pathetic, weak and chicken. I'm sure that those are the kinds of things you could say that will best help me to change my ways and suddenly become calloused to the fear of rejection. Regardless, my number one fear is the fear of rejection. I am sure that it probably branches out to all aspects of my life, but it is most noticeable when interacting with women.

If you actually read this blog you might remember how I almost missed my first kiss after the mish, because I passed up on three chances before she had to basically make the move for me. Or how I had to trick Andrea into going out with me through an over complicated yet clever ruse. You might also take note that Becca, Harper, Sanders, and Daisy either kissed me first or gave me ridiculously obvious green lights. Then there is the whole Claire thing. Psh, that's the best example.

The evidence speaks for itself. I have no game. None. The situations where I shined with some level of courage were those when I was on a mission (Sanders), already dating someone (Becca, Harper), or totally into someone else (Daisy). So basically if my history means anything, unless I fall into something... I ain't getting anything. I know that I am a pansy. I know that I need to care less about getting rejected. I kick myself before, during and after every meaningful interaction with a potential female where I don't do what it seems obvious I should do.

I guess that is really the point of this whole blog though, right?

I was driving to our final day of Census training, and I still hadn't asked Shaleese out. I was thinking about how badly I needed to ask her out. I was lamenting the many missed opportunities so far. I had planned something pretty funny that I could say to ask her out, too. I was going to say something like, "It's too bad you don't wear pink more often." To which she would of course say, "Uh, I wear pink everyday, and I am wearing pink right now." My response would then be, "Oh my gosh really? I am totally color blind and hadn't realized that was pink. I find pink so attractive on girls that if I'd know that was pink, I would have asked you out by now." To which she would start giggling adorably. I would then say, "So, what do you say, a date? Are you comfortable being seen with the color blind?"

I ran the scenario through my head over and over planning for that to somehow come out.

This is what actually happened.

Shaleese was wearing this white top (love white on chicks) with a fat pink belt thingy. So far so good.
JAKE: Cute shirt. You ever think about incorporating more pink into your wardrobe?
SHALEESE: (laughter) Uh, yeah, like, I don't really like pink. It's sooooo pop diva.

Uh oh. She was being sarcastic. It was totally in character for her, but somehow I didn't plan on it.

JAKE: Well, that's too bad. Too too bad.
JAKE: Because pink is awesome.
SHALEESE: Yeah well, wait oh look! (she looks down at her belt) Somehow I ended up with a pink belt. Weird, but hey, it's pink.

Phew, back on track. Now things were going according to my plan. She had set up my whole "color blind angle" perfectly.

JAKE: Wha- well I guess that makes you awesome.
SHALEESE: Yes, it does. I mean I already knew that, but I'm glad you realize it. (she looks at the lady across the isle from her) Jake says I'm awesome.
JAKE: ...yep, awesome...

I paused for a long enough time that Shaleese changed the subject... I never got another opportunity.

What happened???

Well, while she was looking at her belt, I got nervous. Really nervous. I started to doubt my script. I thought, "How cheesy, she'll see right through it and think it's retarded". When I say "nervous" I am talking about an actual tangible feeling. My chest cramps up and I can feel something in my neck getting tense, kind of like all the muscles in my neck are flexing simultaneously without actually flexing at all. My mind called "abort, abort". For a moment, I thought about improvising some "save", and I even thought about just saying, "We should go out" but with each modification I considered, that knotting feeling intensified. I chickened out.

I was frantically trying to talk myself into figuring out something else before the end of training that day. I even entertained actually physically grabbing myself by the balls to see if that would do something. Anything.

Training ended and everyone was saying their goodbyes and what not. I was standing about four feet away from Shaleese. She finished saying goodbye to one lady and turned and saw me. I didn't have anything planned, I started feeling that same feeling and realized that I wasn't going to do anything. She jumped with both feet and landed right in front of me with one hand outstretched. I said, "Whoa, that was athletic." She ignored me and as she vigorously shook my hand she said, "I was really pretty nice to you through all this. I think you owe me dinner."


Monday, May 3, 2010


You know how some people have those links to their favorite blogs on their sidebar? I've noticed several of them are the fancy kind that have the title of the most recent blog post as well as a photo (if available) from the blog post. I think about that kind of stuff when I'm typing the title of my blog posts. I think to myself, "I want to catch people's attention when they see MBP has a new post up." I've thought about going so far as to title our posts with the most extreme subjects I can fathom just to draw people to our blog that maybe wouldn't have visited otherwise. I mean, if you saw someone's blog roll and you noticed "The Smith Family Robinson" had recently posted and the title was "Blessing Day", would you click on it? Of course not. That's the most boring topic I can possibly imagine. However, what if you saw a blog called "Mormon Bachelor Pad" had a new post called "My Mom Caught Me!" or "Emotional Enema" or "She Threw Up All Over My Laptop". Would you click on that? So would I. Those posts sound frickin' awesome.

But then I thought people would be pissed if they clicked on the blog and noticed the post had absolutely nothing to do with my mom catching me d0ing anything... then they'd be pissed and refuse to read our blog ever again. So I decided not to do that.

So here we are. You're reading a blog post called "Updates". There are no illusions about what this post will be about, I hope. I'm going to talk about a couple of different things just to tie up any blog loose ends that you might be stepping on.

My Aforementioned Discomfort: It's getting better. Kristen has called me four times over the last five days. I've tried my best to think of excuses why I can't hang out with her, but it's getting more difficult. Maybe I shouldn't assume the only reason she wants to get together is to roll around, but I'm pretty sure that's what's going on. We had way too much fun last Tuesday/Wednesday and I'm still suffering the side effects. Honestly, I've suffered from this type of ailment two other times in my life and it's never... ever... ever been this bad. Kristen and I are close enough, I could probably tell her what's going on. She'd laugh and apologize, most likely, but it's too embarrassing. I can't imagine what she's thinking since I've started avoiding her. It's not because I don't like her or anything. It's simply self-preservation. I'm sure she'll be fine. (I like to compare it to breaking my pinky toe and then someone challenges me to a foot race. It's wussy to say, "I can't. My pinky toe hurts", no matter how true it is. It's much better to say, "Sorry, I'm too busy fixing some manly mechanical problems on my classic vehicle that's been parked in my driveway for two years." Then, when the toe gets better, you call them up and say, "Let's rock, yo!" That's what I'm doing.)

Nick's Silent Treatment: I came home on Friday afternoon and noticed three separate personal checks pinned to our cork board in the kitchen. I wasn't sure if I was important enough for the Silent Treatment to ever actually work on anybody... but it did. Nick wrote Aaron, Jake and I checks for the money he owed each of us. There was a note with them apologizing for taking so long to pay us back. I took my check off the board, ripped it up and threw it away. I was happy that Nick had paid us, but the money wasn't important to me. It was the principle, you know? I found out Saturday night that Jake and Aaron cashed their checks and spent the money. What a couple of morons. I always thought I was cooler and now I know for sure. Then Nick came over after Ward Prayer last night. As soon as he walked in, I said, "Hey, Nick! Good to see ya, buddy!" He walked right over to me and gave me hug. Nobody knew why except for him and me. It's good to have him back.

Brigham's Extended Family: I went out to check and see if mice had begun spilling out over the top of the 10-gallon tank. It was empty. I started freaking out a little bit. I'm not really sure why. It's not like I thought anything too crazy had happened. I knew there was a perfectly logical explanation. I called Jake to see if he knew what happened to them. He did. He told me he had carefully carried the tank into the front yard and used his foot to tip the tank onto it's side. Then he went inside, watched Can't Hardly Wait, and then returned to the yard to retrieve the empty tank.

So I guess we'll be catching those 125 mice in our glue traps for the next several years.