Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Shell of a Woman

It seems like every guy I know wants Daisy. Remember the super hottie from The Heights? Daisy doesn't fit in because it just hurts to look at her sometimes - she's so sexy. So why don't I want Daisy? Well, the simple answer is because I want Claire. Claire is beautiful too, but if I am being 100% honest...

Well if Claire and Daisy were empty shells that didn't talk, think, or have a personality of any kind. If their only purpose was to cook, clean, massage my feet after a hard days work, massage my feet after sleeping in on a day that I didn't have to work, change dirty diapers, pick up dog doo, massage my shoulders after my soccer games, accompany me to social functions at which people would judge me based off of the shell that rested on my arm, oh, and to procreate. If all that were true I would pick Daisy, she is a better "shell" than Claire. Clearly Daisy ranks higher on the LOS than Claire does, because the LOS measures only the "shell" I described above.

Standing Claire next to Daisy is like standing Kristen Bell (now) next to Angelina Jolie (5 years ago). They are both beautiful women, but I guarantee that if you were to survey 10000 men, half of them wouldn't know who Bell was while all of them would know who Jolie was. If those surveyed were then given a choice, and I had to venture a guess, probably somewhere in the 80% range of them would pick Jolie. And why not? I don't think anyone could offer reasons that are not part of the OS.

When I add to Claire's "shell" all of the things that make her her, and I add all of the things that make Daisy Daisy. Claire comes out way, way, way ahead.

Claire is strong, sassy*, and sexy. She has the uncanny ability to make everyone around her feel like they are the most important person on Earth at any given moment. She's smart, and she has this laugh that gives me the warm fuzzies. I am familiar with this feeling. It's the same feeling I had with Andrea and the same feeling I had with Lisa Sanders. The "shell" is not the important part of Claire that makes me want her so bad. It is all of the stuff inside her "shell" that I adore.

Now, I know our blog has a reputation of soley existing to objectify [to treat as an object] and degrade [to drag down in moral or intellectual character] women and I'm happy to uphold that eidolon. Its true, I do want to lie (in the Biblical sense) with every girl that lives in Claires hallway. Without regard for a future relationship or their feelings for me. I don't know why? But, the desire is definitely there. (See, that's me wanting to treat women like objects, objects whose sole purpose is to please me) Except I don't want to lie with Wendy, because, well... she's (gasp!) ugly [offensive or unpleasant to the sight] and, for one reason or another, I have no desire to objectify ugly women. (See, there I am being degrading to women.)

So, I guess that right now my "want" of Claire outweighs my "want" to objectify, otherwise I would try and make out with all the girls in her circle of friends (except for Wendy). And by that same token, if I think that Daisy's "shell" is superior to Claire's, that makes Claire a degree of ugly below Daisy. Which demonstrartes that my "want" of Claire outweighs my "want" to degrade, otherwise I would leave Claire in the dust for the better model, Daisy.

Which all sounds awesome to me, except... Claire still doesn't know the good effect that my "want" of her is having on me. I recognize the need to change this, otherwise I might as well just make out with Wendy and call it a day.

Last night, like many nights, Claire and I were sitting in her living room, just the two of us, talking. As always we were on seperate chairs, the other people in our group had sifted off. We were planning a movie night that we would get a projector and invite a bunch of people over. We got off on a tangent about why, for the most part, girls like trash tv and guys like video games. Never really coming up with an answer we concluded that having two TV's in a married couples living room would be ideal for a sustainable and strong marriage so that while she was watching American Idol for the third night in a row, he could be playing Modern Warfare right there in the same room, both of them doing what they liked, but still sharing that time together.

Claire pointed out that one problem with our idea was that she liked to cuddle during American Idol and I boasted that I could both cuddle and play games simultaneously. She laughed. I said, "Clearly you are unaware of my cuddling prowess." She scoffed, "Clearly." I said, "Well then, on movie night, you and me will be cuddle buddies." She semi-sarcastically said, "Oh, Jake, I thought you'd never ask."

So... yeah it was pretty pathetic, but at least it's a foot in the door.

Jake

*In my post titled Sassy = Stupid I apparently did not do a very good job of explaining myself. I do not, nor does any man I know for that matter, think that "stupid" is automatically a trait associated with all sassy girls. In that post, I had a choice between a sassy girl and a sporty girl. I picked sassy, and that girl... that one girl... though she was sassy, was also stupid. Thus my disappointment, because a sassy, smart girl is a very sexy combination. Perhaps had I titled the post Sassy = Stupid? that would have cleared up a lot of the confusion.

35 comments:

anonymouse said...

Whatever other people think, it's clear that your blog does not solely exist to objectify and degrade women. If that were the case, no one would read it. Your blog exists to tell the story of two single mormon guys, especially their dating life. The problem is that you can't seem to do that without objectifying and degrading women along the way. Sometimes it seems like you can't even live your lives without objectifying and degrading women. But that's more of a Calvin thing.

For the women reading the comments: why is it that pathetic sometimes equals adorable, and sometimes equals pathetic? Why didn't Claire blow off Jake with something like, "After two weeks that's the best you can do? Cuddle buddies? Try asking me on a real date, loser."

Arianna N. McMillan said...

this is probably your best post yet. i enjoyed every word, especially all the defining of words, hahaha.

Meg said...

Dear Jake,

I like Claire. Hope it works out for you! Good luck. :)

WilWheaton said...

I wonder if there are so many haters because many girls don't want to except that at it's very core is how guys at this point in life think.

I think every guy who has dated more than 1 person in his lifetime has his own way of objectifying girls he meets.

Physical appearance is 100% of a first impression in the male mind, and I'm sure it's up there for gals too.

I like how these guys state the difference between LOS and OS, because there is one. Personally I prefer the "point system" for determining the OS. Points may be gained or lost for doing or saying different things, and every "thing" has a weighted point value that is unique to me.

I think this blog's explanation of many thoughts that pass through the male brain is more true than many of you are willing to accept.

WilWheaton said...

@Anonymouse

PS- Asking girls you know out is hard. especially if you like them, there's much more at stake. If it's some girl you see at the corner store, you can ask her out because you don't care, if things go bad you never have to see her again.

I think the "Cuddle buddies" was a perfect comment. How many guys whom you like have you asked out?

Anonymous said...

Cuteee :)

don't rush into it. Definitely cuddle with her on that movie night because she WILL think about it and WILL want you to do that. Don't risk going to the friend zone by not cuddling with her!!

Kimkidoni said...

"Now, I know our blog has a reputation of soley existing to objectify [to treat as an object] and degrade [to drag down in moral or intellectual character] women and I'm happy to uphold that eidolon."

I love what you did with this line. Defining obvious words and not defining eidolon = brilliant.

Angela said...

Awww Jake. I really like how much you're liking Claire. Good luck with the cuddling.

And to "anonymouse" commenter... I wonder why you think waiting two weeks to make a move would equal pathetic? There's nothing wrong with slow... I am so sick of guys wanting to go 0 to 90 right from the starting gate. There's no rush!

Crystal said...

Will Wheaton??!! Oh my gosh, I loved him on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Yeah...I'm 26 and therefore old AND I watched Star Trek. What a loser. I get it.

Anyway, I love how you defined simple words and yet you didn't define a word like "eidolon".

Good luck with Claire, I can't really get a feel for her answer though. It really could go either way.

PS: Ugly girls need to be made out with on occasion. Just putting that out there.

Zona Bosted said...

You have just opened up a whole can of worms. Good luck getting your cuddle on.

Kari said...

Basically my favorite post ever. Pretty sure I would think you were describing my life if I lived in Salt Lake... So amazing!

Autumn said...

I like it. I also like the fact that I made it to your sidebar. I wasn't doing that to make it there, but hey, I'll take what I can get :) Good luck. ( I have no idea why I waste my time still reading this blog. It seems pointless to me seeing as how I see you as a shallow, degrading jackass.)

Girl101 said...

It's like, I wanted to read the words, but my brain couldn't be bothered to muster up the energy to understand what you were talking about.
I scanned. I NEVER scan read this blog.
Short attention span + too many words = watery, safe, completely unnecessary opinion:

Claire sounds nice.

queen sass said...

ha ha ha that is so cheesy.

"oh, Jake, I thought you'd never ask"

please tell me she fanned herself while she was saying this, or teasingly slapped your arm

bd said...

Nikki-

Where are you? You are 95% of why I still read this blog. Please. come. back.

Anonymous1 said...

Dear Calvin,

What do you think about Daisy AND Claire?

Nikki said...

Now this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just follow me
Cause we need a little controversy
Cause it feels so empty without me...you know it bitches!! :)N

PS. Just pounce on Claire already so we can hear about some sexual frustration. I like that.

anonymouse said...

Wil: I'm a guy. I've never asked out a guy I like.

Angela: Pathetic was Jake's word actually, although I agree.

Anonymous said...

;alkjd;lkjadf;lhgkmads;lkfj;awelkrj;lasjgioaesmhy?

sarah joelle said...

i love everything about this post.

Anonymous1 said...

Cuddle..then 'SNOG.'

Jade said...

Jake, I really liked this post. It showed a completely different side of you that I don't remember getting to see much on here. I like it alot! And strangely you don't seem super shallow to me in this post.... Keep being awesome!

Cassie Lynne said...

awww look at you being all cute(ish)

S said...

Half of this really boggled my mind; too confusing for my sleepy state I think.
Sometimes I honestly wish a certain guy would say that cheesy comment to me and then I would steal Claire's line, but no...he's oblivious.

WilWheaton said...

@Crystal - Wow! Really!?! I thought I was being so obscure with this pen-name! I mean who watched/watches Star Trek, and what kind of person knows the names of the cast members? Haha

Rachel said...

I sure hope these girls never have to read this blog. What if something works with you and Claire? Are you going to let her into this public life of yours and have her read this? I would be so hurt by any public comparison to another girl even if I were the better of the two for more than the "shell". I have thought your blog was funny for the most part, but you guys are starting to seem like huge asshats.
Keep on keeping on.

Natalie said...

this post made me feel nauseated.

Dara said...

jake! i knew you had a heart in there somewhere! :]

Rissy said...

I spent a long time in a relationship comparing my own looks to every other girl in the world's. It makes me sad to admit that it took me about 3 years to realize what we had together was what really mattered. And No, I wouldn't ever and couldn't ever be better looking than everyone surrounding my bf at any given moment.
This post made me happy.

JumboWings said...

Jake you a big P-U-S-S-Y, ask the girl out already or get physical or kinetically flirty before yo lose Claire. You very good at objectifying people, kudos. But you need to grow some balls where youpresently have a vagina.

Ps: Love the blog!

doubt it! said...

The question is...

would Daisy pick you?

true story said...

I would buy one of your MBP shirts if it said:

"I only read MBP for the hater comments."

Anonymous said...

"I saw, I conquered, I came"

That's all.

brooke said...

okay not to be rude...but any gal who thinks that sassy=stupid definitely is the latter...sassy to me would be more likely to = spunky / witty / cleverly sarcastic...

and you can MOST DEFINITELY "cuddle" while playing call of duty modern warfare...if that cuddling = me tickling/scratching my husband's back while he plays xbox live and i trash talk on the headset while he kicks some major bum all the while pretending it's really me (but sshh, that's just our little secret)...

WilWheaton said...

This shell thing is totally true, I once read a psychology study on attractiveness and men tend to rate people they know completely differently on physical appearance than they do people they don't know.

Like our brains alter how we perceive a woman's attractiveness based on what we know of them with out realizing it.

I know I've experienced this seeing some girls I found attractive back in high school a few years later aren't so appealing. Heck, when my current girlfriend and I met for the first time a few years ago I thought she was cute but I wasn't attracted. When we met up 2 years later it was a completely different feeling.