Sunday, March 28, 2010

Blue Man Group Cuddle

Last night we did our big movie night. Some dude in Claire's complex was able to score a copy of Avatar on DVD for us. I have no idea where the kid got it or by what means. I remember one of those old Mormon Ad's that my dad had taped up on the door to our garage titled "Gossip" that had these hands passing around black muck that (I always imaged was infested with something disgusting like the HIV virus or something, because otherwise it's just mud, and mud never hurt any one... but if you were passing around AIDS I think the metaphor would be a little more poignant.) had a smaller subtitle which read "don't pass it on". So I don't know where he got Avatar from and for me to guess and then to post that guess here on the world wide web would be like throwing a handful of the virus known as HIV in your eyeball, get it?

As planned there was about an hour or so of build up before the movie actually started. A period for people to arrive, for beverages to be poured, and for popcorn to be popped. This time was necessary for everyone to get settled and figure out who they were going to be snuggling with. So far, nobody in this group has really paired off yet. With the love tetra decagon discussed a little while ago the possibilities were vast... especially considering there were several other people from Claire's ward involved. So far, all five of the guys from my house haven't smooched a soul in our new grazing patch.

My plan was to cuddle with Claire thanks to my weak mention of cuddling during a planning meeting we had earlier in the week. I really like Claire, is that not clear yet? I wish, too, that I would have just asked her out instead of creating this big, out of control group that we have to manage... even if we do get to manage it together. So there were 19 people there last night. To maximize comfortable seating, we rounded up couches and Love Sacs from surrounding apartments to make it all work in Claire's living room.

Aaron and Lance both wanted to get with Daisy, which was pretty funny to watch because she knew it and I think their subtle one-up-man-ship turned her off. I was talking to a group of people and I could see the three of them, Aaron and Lance standing on either side of her while she sat on this hamper thingy. I heard Aaron say, "I was telling Lance how much it would mean to Sally if he cuddled with her tonight since she has a big crush." To which Lance immediately replied, "Yeah you said that right before you told me you and Shelly had made a deal to snuggle tonight, tell me and Daisy whats up with you two?" I realized during this blatant violation of our mantra that Daisy was staring at me. We made eye contact and I smiled. She rolled her eyes and smiled back. Then she said something to both of them I couldn't make out and stood up and came over and started talking to me and the little group I was entertaining.

Where was Claire? She was off entertaining, too. I noticed that her group slowly drifted to my group leaving her talking to New Guy. New guys name was Adam. He was new to the group, a friend of... someone. Anyway, I watched as their body language got more flirty. She was laughing a lot. I had talked with Adam only once, and unfortunately (because I kept wanting to imagine his head melting like that Japanese guy in "Raiders of the Lost Ark") he seemed really cool... and funny. I'm pretty sure he is better looking than me, too.

I wasn't worried about Adam, mostly because he is old. Adam is 31 or 35 or 50 or something. I mean, Claire turned 19 in January, so when I scouted my competition tonight he didn't even show up on my radar. I tried to avoid looking at them, but they were suddenly in their own little world... which reminded me of the time I met Claire.

I walked into the kitchen and started another bag of popcorn which gave me a second to strategize. The movie was about to start and Claire and I were supposed to be sitting together. I tried not to stare at Claire and Adam, but I did. He wasn't only cool, funny, and good looking, but the dude was also pretty smooth. I watched his hand movements and touches as they interacted and it made me jealous. I always say I don't get jealous... but I don't know how else to describe that twisting, tightening discomfort in that empty space inside between my xiphoid process and my stomach. I watched as Adam, in one fluid motion turned towards the screen and as he did his hand cupped the small of Claire's back and asked where they were going to sit. Seconds later they occupied the chair-n-a-half in the corner.

I hadn't come right out and said "I really just want to hold you in my arms tonight" or anything, but didn't Claire know I was interested? Did she even care? Did she forget our arrangement or was the Ring Reader in her just accommodating? I could relate to that... I guess.

No, Claire didn't seem to notice I was even there anymore. As far as I could tell, I didn't exist after Adams second funny joke coupled with a one of his three fingered brushes across her shoulder. I felt sick. I thought about going home, I thought about calling Calvin, but then I thought, "Okay, it's not like they're getting married, or even going to kiss tonight. They are just going to watch a movie together. Besides Calvin is on a date and wouldn't answer anyway."

I felt a little better and the 20th Century Fox fanfare from the DVD drowned out all the chatter. That's when Daisy walked into the kitchen grabbed me by the arm and said, "There's one seat left next to me." which was the bean bag inconveniently located directly in front of Claire and Mr. Wonderful. As we walked over, I noted that both Aaron and Lance were still standing looking for a place to sit.

So... there I was cuddling with Daisy. A situation which would most likely be called a cock-block later on by Aaron and Lance. Aaron and Lance both found another girl they could rub ankles with. Aaron with Shelly, and Lance with another girl from the ward that was there. All the while, the girl I wanted was back on the Chair-in-a-half with another dude.

I spent pretty much the first half of the movie listening to every single sound, no matter how faint, coming from behind me. It was awful, and I suggest no one else try it... ever. I heard cloth rubbing softly which in reality was probably her own elbow brushing her own stomach as she scratched her nose... but in my mind, Adam was behind us all mounting Claire and taking from her all that we, as virtuous Mormons, hold dear.

To try and get my mind off of it, I thought about making a move on Daisy. We were spooning and the bean bag made positioning perfect so that I could see right past her ear and over her neck. Daisy's hair was pretty short, but she had pulled it up. I lay there and looked at her neck. I've always felt I am a pretty accomplished cuddler. I've discovered that treating a cuddle like a slow, less intense shoulder massage on every part of the body that I can touch (without feeling like I have to talk to the bishop about it) drives pretty much all women wild. I was gently rubbing my fingers down Daisy's neck, on to her shoulder, down her arm and then back up. She occasionally let out a little whimper that was so quiet the first few times I thought it was coming from somewhere else (like behind us).

I didn't want to make out with Daisy. Furthermore, I don't think she wanted to make out with me. I think that she needed a rescue from my two hormonal pals and I needed a spot to lay and feel all jealous. Sure, on a strict 0 to 10 scale, Daisy may be a better choice, and it's not that she is dumb or stuck-up either, but I knew that I wanted Claire. Not just to roll around with. I want to have that feeling I have when I am with her all of the time.

Avatar is long and boring in parts (sort of like this post), people started getting up and leaving. Some fell asleep. The room really started to thin out. We got to the part where all the characters in the movie are blue, and I heard a little more than an elbow brush. Claire's hand touched my shoulder and she whispered, "I think we're out." I nodded and watched her and Adam walk back into her room. You thought my imagination did some damage when I heard rustling behind me?

Daisy rolled over and said, "Everyone's going to sleep." Then she nuzzled her face into my neck. I finished the movie and when the credits rolled, Nick sat up, looked around, and said, "See you guys." Aaron and Shelly were gone, and Lance was fast asleep with about four other people on the far side of the room. I started to get up but Daisy clung onto me and made a whispered, "uh un" sound. We laid there till the credits were over.

Her lips were on my neck, and I was imagining Claire in her room making out with Adam, which is totally not like her. The room was lit blue from the DVD menu light. I looked down at Daisy's body back-lit by that glow. I just decided to kiss Daisy. I mean, I hadn't kissed a girl since Sanders and.... Claire...? "Eff Claire." I thought. We went back to Daisy's apartment, where we found Aaron and Shelly in their room. So we made-out for a bit on the sofa until she fell asleep. By the way, (for the seven guys who read this blog) Daisy really is so hot, I mean she smokes of hotness and she's a great kisser. (She was so objectifying me though, I mean how incredibly disrespectful and disgusting right?) I drove home feeling terrible, jealous, and rejected. Making out with the hottest girl in the room made no difference.

It gets worse.

Before you go jumping all over Claire... I found out today that her and Adam did not even kiss. They didn't come anywhere close to my wild imagination. She does like him though... whatever that means.

Jake

54 comments:

Lindsay said...

Hah, good for you, Jake, good for you.

Where is your Twitter these days? Did you get a new username?

The Lady Girl said...

Poor kid. Not a boring post. Interesting. I wanted to puke when you said the word "mounting" though. I'm glad I don't know what claire and adam look like or I'd be imagining it too.

-TG said...

No!! I'm still betting Claire is interested..It's just..sometimes girls are so confusing haha. Who knows? Maybe she was waiting for you to talk to her first and when Adam ask if he could sit with her she just went along...Good luck! :/

Erin said...

Dearest MBP:
I think we would all like to know why you blocked busybeelauren and deleted your twitter account.
Please and Thanks.

And if you made out with Daisy, you probably lost any chance with Claire.
And if Claire likes another guy, you probably don't have any chance anyways.
Just sayin.

Peace.

Lindsay said...

After reading all of the "revealed" stuff, it makes sense that you would delete Twitter accounts, etc, but, you know- if that is your, who really cares? It's a fun read, and it's pretty obvious from the things that have been posted, even by those outing you, that the events actually happened. Regardless of what you actually do/ who you actually are, it's entertainment. Pretty much end of story.

Another One Bites Jake's Dust said...

It means she likes Adam. Duh. The fact that her and Adam didn't even kiss means that she is way out of your league. Looks like you missed the boat on yet another girl. Hey, at least you can post about her and Adam's blossoming relationship as you watch from the sidelines. Peace out Ninja Breath.

Another One Bites Jake's Dust. said...

It means she likes Adam. Duh. The fact that her and Adam didn't even kiss means that she is way out of your league. Looks like you missed the boat on yet another girl. Hey, at least you can post about her and Adam's blossoming relationship as you watch from the sidelines. Peace out Ninja Breath.

Belo Prado said...

awww :(

Brad: Mormon SL,UT said...

i say keep the thing with daisy going- that's awesome

Shell said...

Aw. Cute post. Though I have to agree with The Lady Girl. "Mounting?" Classy. :P But good luck!

Brooke said...

Definitely not boring. I've been an avid reader for about six months now. This was one of my favorite posts.

Anonymous said...

this was like so intense.. hahah. i feel bad for you.

Cassie Lynne said...

Grow a pair, and just tell her how you feel. I die a little inside every time I hear you haven't asked her out....

Whiteley Family said...

crap! it's when things like this happen that it gets even more complicated! :(

c a n d a c e said...

I'm with Cassie... although now it's a little more complicated.
Daisy definitely doesn't live up to Claire in my mind, so the last few paragraphs weren't a surprise.

Sorry Jakers.

Doctor PhD said...

"The empty space inside between your xiphoid process and your stomach?" Your xiphoid process is a piece of area on your scapula (back shoulder bone) idiot! Get it right.

Anonymous said...

a;sldkfj;alskdjf!!!! IDKASHE CS;IC SOEKC!!! slki slki slki!!

The Lady Girl said...

Some one just commented on one of my posts anonymously that you guys are fake!! *GASP* is it true???

:P

Anonymous said...

I have a hard time feeling sorry for either of you, and kind of think that you bred this situation a month ago. Live and learn and next time for for it! Girls love that.

Anonymous said...

Dr. PHD- your Xiphoid process is on your tip of your sternum on the front of your chest. I take xrays, I would know!

Kat said...

jake my friend, you need to quit pining like a little girl and step up your game. Make a move or move on.

Shelby Lou said...

Haven't you guys been found out? Because I honestly believe the person who found you out. Either way... thanks for playing, but I will stop reading for now. KAYBYEEE

Anonymous said...

wait...i thought the jig was up? what gives? i had a hard time reading this because the whole time i was thinking it was totally made up.

Kellie said...

Oh 'boys' :-(

Anonymous said...

I really hope you guys are working on an awesome farewell post right now. I'm pretty sure damage control is no longer an option.

Heather Guymon said...

Either way dudes, if you are real or fake, this is hella entertaining and I don't give a shit.

Then again I wasn't throwing myself at you or sending nekked pics of myself so....yeah...I got nothing to be ashamed of.

Alls I know is this was my little slice of guilty pleasure in my life and I am kinda pissed someone ripped that from me possibly. So long as you aren't sleezy child molesters or something, I say keep on keeping on.

Laura said...

Meh, who cares? I was only ever amused by their posts, I guess it is the girls who took them seriously/flirted with them who feel grossed out. Yeah. It's the Internet, so you kind of deserve it.

I'd still read stories by them. They're well written and entertaining.

Anonymous said...

why is everyone feeling sorry for busy bee lauren? She is not the only one who was hurt by them.

it is a sad day guys. sad day..

Jade said...

Well it was fun guys.... your stories were always entertaining though.

brooke said...

DUDE! anonymous commentors are lame! who friggen cares about "exposed" truths...'seriously so blessed' does the same thing and it's just all in fun...seriously folks calm down and get over it just because you didn't come up with it first and are not making a profit off your writing you have have to throw a b*tch fit...stop taking life so seriously and go kick rocks...

now for my post comment...please don't call 30 old...i am quickly approaching it myself and every time i am ready to accept and embrace it i hear some 19 year old girl talking about it as if i should give up now and just start claiming the senior citizen discounts available to me...

man up jake...tell claire before adam can make a creepy pedophile move on your p.y.t!!!

Katie said...

you removed the twitter... might as well remove the facebook link as well since we all know that your either blocking those of us that know who you really are or actually just went and deleted it all together.

team nikki said...

Please tell me Nikki is real...I may just kill myself if she is really a 60 year old dude.

Brandon said...

Why the eff are people freaking out over this?! I think you have to respect to be respected. I'd still read stories by them.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I love reading this and I don't care if it's real or not. Please don't stop... I never took it seriously, anyway.

To those girls who did: you're lame.

It's your own fault for flirting with randoms online and you should just get over it.

That amuses me much more than the idea that this is all true.

I mean, it's still representative of the way people think or act, and I would enjoy it just as much.

Erin said...

Sam, I've already read this. I was meekly hoping for some kind of acknowledgement of it from MBP. I wrote a blogpost on it as well.

Anonymous said...

good job! please go find osama now!

p.s. how the freak did you do it?

Autumn said...

:) Well, it was fun guys. But I'm done reading. I am creeped out.... to say the freaking least. Now I remember why I gave you a P.O. box instead of my home address.

Blazzer said...

Well, apparently since you are posting all the comments the jig is up. I too say bravo. I hope if nothing else you consider transforming the blog into a "How we did it?" sort of thing. I am curious, are you also "Expose MBP"?

In these guy defense. Their post entitled "Is this blog for real?" says exactly that this is based off true stories.

"There really are two writers, both male. There really is a Bachelor Pad. There really are roommates. There really are girls who like us, and date us... who probably wouldn't be happy with how honest we're being in this blog. The thoughts, theories, and strategies presented here are what we think about the world, our role in it, and how that all ties into us having a testimony of the gospel as commonly understood within the Mormon church.

When Calvin and I decided to write this, we wanted an outlet where we could be 100% honest, tell our story, show what it is really like, and have fun at the same time. We want to do all that without having to deal with ANY uncomfortable confrontations arising from it. We change the things that we think will give away our identities. This blog could not exist without us being mostly anonymous. Some of the names and some of the places have been changed, but the truth shines through.

So yes, this blog is based on actual events and experiences. It's as real as any movie based on a true story. That being said, just like at the end of each of those movies:

The events depicted in this blog are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental."


From the links available, it appears that the above statement is in fact all true.

Anonymous said...

I am bummed now. Seriously, I thought this was real the whole time!

WilWheaton said...

I still enjoy the writing, it's very relatable.

As for the "Exposed" part, I have to question it still, their best proof is a deleted Twitter account and messages that were never published(which we conveniently never saw, so that's anything but concrete).

In my opinion, either 1) The exposed blog is just slander -or- B) It's true and you guys screwed up your spin control. The complete lack of proof didn't really even warrant a reaction, if it weren't for the deleted Twitter, and the fact that the ability to comment on this blog was suspended last night, it would've been easy to count this as some angry envious former fan who wanted attention so bad they pretended to out you, maybe even throw something in there about using your lawyer to look into your options regarding corporate slander.

Either way, you keep writing, I'll keep reading.

PS- Dr. PhD- Xiphoid Process is an arrowhead shaped boned fused to the base of your sternum, which is on your chest. You learn that in Intro to Human Anatomy, heck, my middle school aged brother knows that. Seriously, could you not double check your facts before calling someone an idiot then making a fool out of yourself? You're thinking of the Coracoid Process? Just call me Dr. PreMD.

Shayla said...

I am so relieved to know you guys are fakes! Although I am completely creeped out for the girls who actually fell for the oddball charm & actually virtually flirted so much. Who cares if the stories are a funny and the writing is good, it's all a lie. Loving on my husband, who I am positive does NOT have a double life as a written bachelor & having completely inappropriate contact with young girls, 100% more today that's for sure!

Jade said...

Keep writing the stories guys, I still enjoy reading them.

Punk said...

I'm another who's more fascinated than betrayed (why?), and I definitely would continue to keep reading. However, where's MPB with all of this going down? Twitter, Facebook, comment moderation: we know that there's activity going on, so why haven't any of us heard anything from you?

Yea or nay, who cares? Where are you, and what do you have to say about this?

nicely done said...

aaaaaaaaand a bunch of 20 something girls officially just grew up a little.

Anonymous said...

Very good.

But if you compare the writing styles of "The Truth Behind MBP" and "Confessions from a Mormon Bachelor Pad"....

Anonymous said...

oh my gosh... now i hate you even more!

Drake said...

Don't get upset, girls. Most of you enjoy reading Twilight, which is also, in face, fictitious. At least MBP is better written/more entertaining and doesn't include sparkly vampires.

They used their blog to entertain and to make a little merchandising cash. Its not like they're using it to seduce teenagers and young 20-somethings, despite how many were throwing themselves at them.

I disapprove of most of what the characters of Jake and Calvin were all about,but I can certainly take my hat off to the writers who penned them. Bravo, fellahs. Now put your movie reviews back up so I can see what you thought of Transformers 2.

ha said...

see boyhair, I was only trying to help you when I told you that you were making a fool out of yourself by flirting/throwing yourself at them all the time.

and you didn't believe me.

Julie said...

Bravo Blazzer!

MissGirl said...

Holy cow, I hope Clair drops your high school arse!

Devin & Ruthann said...

Gross, she's 19 and he's old like that...she's gotta come to her senses and hook up with you!

Devin & Ruthann said...

Gross, she's 19 and he's old like that...she's gotta come to her senses and hook up with you!

Devin & Ruthann said...

PS...Do you read all the comments you get?

Anonymous said...

This is a classic example of why you should just ask a girl out if you like her. Instead of waiting and making a stupid comment about how you will cuddle together. Be a man. Ask her out.

This is the first time I've ever seen this blog. I'm married- but still remember the crappy dating scene. Dealing with immature guys who don't dare to ask a girl out, but then get mad when another man makes a move. I say Claire deserves the mature (even if older) man who can probably express to her how he feels. She probably likes you, but how long is she supposed to wait? Teasing a girl is not a way to show her that you like her. Nice job in making out with her friend- she is going to think really highly of you now.

Can I also say- I actually really hope that things work out with you and Claire- because its obvious you like her, and she probably likes you too. And you are just acting like a guy, not knowing what to do when you are hurt. But, the post about how Daisy's shell is hotter than Claire's shell, well lets just say if things do workout with Claire then you sure as heck better delete that post once she finds out that you are the author of this blog (that is if she hasn't already read it). You were probably meaning to compliment her, but I'm betting she won't take it that way.

Good luck.