Friday, March 19, 2010

Love Tetradecagon

The are 9 girls at The Heights with whom we spend the most of our time. Claire you already know. I figured I'd take a sec to introduce you and to kind of let you in on who wants who and what not.

Wendy. Wendy is Claires awkward and surprisingly old roommate. Wendy is 29 years old. One of her trademark lines is, "I've been in singles wards longer than you were in High School." She is the Relief Society President in their ward and has a pretty good job at some lab somewhere. She is not cute at all. However she is fun, easy to talk too, and comfortable to be around. She has bright red hair. Her skin is white and freckleless... which wouldn't necessarily be so bad except that her skin is pocked pretty badly and I don't think she wears any make up. Nobody (to my knowledge) is interested in Wendy romantically and, conversely, she doesn't seem at all interested in any of us. We all really like her, though.

Stephanie is one of the four girls across the hall. She is cute and fun in a sisterly sort of way. She is 23, and a returned missionary. Like most returned Sisters, she thinks she knows everything and just shakes her head like we'll all learn someday. I don't even know if this look actually exists, but she just looks like a Utah County girl. I swear there is only one dentist down there ensuring that everyone has the exact same smile. Stephanie is a back-up girl for most of us, but she isn't really anyone's primary choice.

Jen shares a room with Stephanie. She is as tall as I am. She is sarcastic and crass in a way that only us boys seem to be able to appreciate. Jen is 21 and (looks-wise) she is incredibly average. I sort of fell in love with her the time we were doing Karaoke and I saw her do, (complete with dance moves) DJ Felli Fel's "Get Buck In Here". She really has no shame and is a hirlariously funny girl. Sadly, its painfully obvious that she has pretty low self-esteem. She is constantly downing herself, and never trying for anything. Despite her perpetual negativity, she is my second choice, and I think Nick would go for her if she weren't 6 inches taller than him.

Sally is in the same apartment as Jen and Steph. She is like a ghost. Claire and I have talked about it a few times. She always shows up to everything, but never contributes. She sits in a corner and smiles or stares blankly. I have tried to have a few conversations with her but she starts talking about old computer games and Japanese anime, which I know nothing about. She has 4 or 5 tattoos and it wouldn't be a stretch to list her favorite color as black from how she dresses. She is a tiny girl. Everyone thinks she wants Aaron in a bad way, and I think if she starts creeping out of her shell a few of us guys might start to add her to our conquests.

Brandi shares a room with Sally. Brandi is super cute. She is from North Carolina and has a very very slight accent. Her and Calvin will probably hook up. I say that because the few times he's here with this crew they seem to gravitate towards each other and she is totally his type. Brandi is a total player and always has some guy hanging around her. She totally wants Lance but that is because she hasn't had enough time with Calvin. Lance isn't interested. When asked about Brandi he described her as "too soft looking".

Then there are the three girls down the hall. This is where Aarons' and Lances' attentions are focused.

Raquel has her own room. She is from Hondorus and she is really hot. She doesn't have an accent, but she speaks spanish fluently. Raquel always seems to either be going to or coming from the gym. She dates guys that are almost always older and who have nice cars. Raquel has enough of a superiority complex to put me off, and she is very very stupid... but Lance digs her. He says he likes the challenge. I say "wear one of your douche shirts and borrow a $30,000 car and she is yours."

Shelly is not the Shelly of Shelly-smelly-belly-full-of-jelly-belly-smelly-Shelly. Shelly at The Heights is pretty hot. She is a total "B" though. Her parents are rich, she drives an Audi TT that she won't even let you eat a hamburger in. She is a quintessential bubble Mormon. One time we all went to a Panda Express in Taylorsville. There were a bunch of brown kids in there which she referred to as "gang bangers". She stayed in the car while we went to get our food because she was sure she saw on the news that someone was shot there. She is bitchy enough that even though she is pretty stinking hot, she never has dates. I love to make fun of her. Aaron is constantly flirting with her and I think that he will hook up with her eventually. Most of us think Aarons interest mostly stems from the fact that, as rumor has it, Shelly totally wants Calvin.

Daisy shares a room with Shelly. Daisy is the girl that everyone wants. When I wrote the description for a 9 on our 1-10 scale post Daisy was the girl I was writing about, and I quote, "9: In a large group of women, she's almost always Best in Show. Includes: Models, Actresses, Pop stars and girls toted as "Hottest girl in...[The Heights apartment complex]". Aaron and Lance tried to dibbs her the first time we met her but when neither one would back down Calvin suggested that she was too hot to be dibbsed and that any of us would be lucky to see any real attention from her so we should just all put our best foot forward while not violating our Mantra. Daisy is pretty cool, but she is always somewhere else. She is extremely flaky and, without trying, I think does a good job of trivializing everything, which doesn't make anyone love her company.

So to recap in third person... uh, and insert some facts I might have left out:
  1. Wendy, is old enough that she doesn't like any of us which is good because none of us like her.
  2. Jake likes Claire. If Claire likes one of Jakes roommates, it's news to us because she spends most of her time with Jake... which, hopefully means she likes Jake.
  3. Jen thinks Lance is hot, but they have never, just the two of them, had a conversation, and she might only like him because he's the only one taller than her. Jen is Jakes second choice.
  4. Stephanie is a universal "back up."
  5. Sally wants Aaron, but she's weird.
  6. Brandi wants Lance, but she doesn't know she wants Calvin... give her time.
  7. Raquel doesn't like any of us which makes Lance like her even more, but she is still his second choice.
  8. Shelly wants Calvin, so of course Aaron wants Shelly but she is still just his second choice.
  9. Daisy doesn't want any of us, but Aaron and Lance are set to duke it out for her affection.
Remember that now... there will be a quiz next week.

Jake

31 comments:

Anna said...

So I was going to ask you about red heads and where they stand on the hotness scale, but it seems that you just answered that question.

You guys are living a soap opera. I love it.

The Lady Girl said...

i am tired. and I just spent my last drop reading this post. and now I feel like death (not because of the post..I'm just that tired).

and that's how I really feel. (you asked)

g'nite

Liz said...

Hmm... maybe I have a food problem because when I think "Daisy" I think sour cream.... Ha ha

Guess that's why I'm an advertising major...

Kristin Lee said...

The sad thing? If you quizzed me on this, I'd probably ace it.

...goodness, I need a life.

Alaya said...

Yeah....if you quizzed ME on this i'd fail. Ok, I wouldn't fail, it would be like a B. And the level of B would totally depend on how many questions were in this quiz, if there was a short answer portion and if I got bonus marks for ...'creativity'. Anyway- This is why I need your links.

Katie said...

I'll fail. I can only remember like two names without looking. haha. Calvin should most definitely go for the North Carolinian. Take it from someone who knows, they make high quality people there :)

I'm totally rooting for you and Claire! :)

Natalie said...

why are you giving another girl the name shelly? if you change all the names, why not give her something unique? is there something inherently shelly-like about both girls? just wondering....

Anonymous said...

Shelly sounds like a real stuck-up "B", if she's this much of a "B" now, imagine how much of "B" she'll be to the poor guy who marries her! And the whole assuming brown people are gang-bangers thing makes me want to jump her and really make her believe brown people are gangsters! hahahahahahah

Come on tell me who she is..... or I guess I could just look for the expensive Audi TT and get really ghetto on the paint job!

Crystal said...

Interesting. I feel much more informed now.

I have to admit I was sitting here thinking about the kind of girl I would be in a group situation like that. It wasn't hard to figure out.

Sierra said...

People who brag about being in the singles ward longer than you've been in high school weird me out. Being in the singles ward is not an accomplishment to brag about. The singles ward is weird.

Rissy said...

Thanks for the detailed descriptions of what you will settle for. Have any of you ever considered only hooking up with someone you actually genuinely like? I am not sure I see the reason for back-ups. I would if you guys were the types of scum bags I am used to who are in everything for sex. But you don't have sex! Does making out really make you THAT happy?

Ness said...

Where's Hondorus? Ohhh, you mean HONDURAS?? Buy yourself an Atlas, Jake...

Bad Horse said...

Go and kiss Clair! Do it! You know you want to!

Autumn said...

So redheads are ugly is basically what you're saying? ha. Okay. Well that's great to know. I'd go for it.

Anonymous said...

I thought Claire's roommate's name was Ginger not Wendy.

S said...

You know, seeing into the mind's of you boys really makes me wonder what's been said about me.
I'm not saying that because I have this huge ego or anything, but when you're the only girl with a bunch of guys for five hours, stuff is going to be said.

you're welcome said...

here's shelly:

http://mormonbachelorpad.blogspot.com/2009/11/burden-of-anonymity.html

I couldn't pass up an opportunity to help everyone know how big of an a-hole you are!

Anonymous said...

Wow..I hope to never meet a person who thinks of life in that 'bubble' perspective.

I'd be happy to ship them off to New York or DC aka reality.

Girl101 said...

I'm sorry, what are 'brown kids'?

WilWheaton said...

Redheads: For me 99% are completely unattractive, not that they're are ugly, just not attractive.

However, that other 1% of redheads are usually some of the most attractive girls out there.

It's like for redheads the LOS goes 1-5, skips 5.1-8.9, then 9-10.

Bonnie said...

People from utah call anyone non white brown. Try that in DC

Bonnie said...

People from utah call anyone non white brown. Try that in DC

Bonnie said...

I thought he was saying red heads without freckles and have pocked faces are ugly?? maybe not... my redheaded friends are so hot!

Angela said...

This is way better then Melrose Place.... I'm really enjoying all this. I totally think you should just go for it with Claire.

acoles@c.ringling.edu said...

Haha go for all of them, it'll make the next couple of posts really fun. Except the spinster.

juuust joking, good luck with claire!

c a n d a c e said...

Woa, I had to reread the recap twice. I think I got it now... So who is Calvin's first choice?!

Anonymous said...

i truthfully adore your posting choice, very unique.
don't give up and keep penning simply because it simply truly worth to follow it.
impatient to view way more of your posts, thanks :)

Brooklyn said...

Please tell me you named red-headed Wendy after the Wendy's girl. You know, the one with "bright red hair. Her skin is white and freckleless."

If not, that's completely ironic.

Nyssa said...

I really don't know how many guys would know which girls sleep in which rooms. I'd never tell guys that came over that kind of thing. Which makes me think all of these chicks are made up. haha.

alexis said...

"even though she is pretty stinking hot, she never has dates. i love to make fun of her."

that pretty much made my day.
i love this blog.

Anonymous said...

If you lived anywhere but in Utah, you would have been shot by now.