Thursday, March 25, 2010

Funny in a Different Way

Some people close to Jake and I have suggested we put together some sort of lease agreement for our renters. We've decided this is probably a good idea. However, we're not gonna make Aaron or Lance sign one. Since we're already friends with them, we've decided to trust them. I think making one of your best friends sign a lease seems kind of shallow. I know at least a few of you know-it-all's are thinking, "Well, what about Nick, Calvin? Huh? He's your best friend and he totally screwed you guys." Well, that's true. He did. And I'm still pissed about it, but I have a hard time believing that a lease would have changed the situation at all. Hypothetically, I'd have said, "Well, Nick, I know you don't want to pay us, but see this piece of paper that you signed? That means you have to pay us." Then Nick would say, "Or else what?" I'd Google some options, then call him two hours later and say, "Or else I take you to court and get a judgment against you." Then he'd say, "So? What if I still don't pay you?" Then I'd hang up on him all rude like, do some more Googling, then call him back a few hours later and say, "Then I hire a constable to serve you paperwork, fill out several forms and attempt to have your wages garnished." Then he'd say, "Doesn't that cost money?" At that point I'd still have Google pulled up on my computer and I could reply with "Yeah. A little." Then Nick would say, "Well, I'm not all that happy with my current employer. I'd probably just switch jobs if you started garnishing my wages." See where I'm going with this? A lease wouldn't have changed anything. Making NEW tenants sign a lease, however, is different. Our relationship from the beginning would be Landlord first, Friend second.

Nick still comes over pretty much every day. I don't talk to him. I give him the silent treatment... kinda like I'm either in second grade or gay. A couple of days ago, after Nick left, Aaron asked why I was being such a dick. I said, "Cause he totally screwed us out of rent for February and half of March. Doesn't that piss you off?" Jake doesn't care one tiny bit. I think Jake's exact response was yelled from the other room, "Who took my wet laundry out of the washer and just set it on top?". Aaron and Nick have been friends for a lot longer than anyone else, so Aaron's response was, "Why are you letting a couple hundred dollars ruin a friendship." I said, "What friendship? A friend doesn't do that. If he was really my friend, he'd pay me and YOU and Jake what he owes us."

Blah blah blah. Enough of that. It's boring.

We went over to the Heights for a little while last night. We bounced from apartment to apartment, but ultimately ended up at Shelly, Raquel, and Daisy's place. It's pretty awesome being surrounded by so many women who seem to be genuinely interested in us ('me' more specifically). I don't get to go there as often as everyone else with my school and work schedules so I feel left out a lot of the time. But I go when I can. (I've actually been skipping one of my night classes a LOT more than I'm comfortable with.)

So, anyway, last night we're all hanging out together. Shelly (the sheltered "Molly" 'b' who Lance is trying to steal, even though she likes me... maybe) wasn't giving any one person any sort of special attention. I honestly sat there and watched everyone else interacting, talking about things that happened when I wasn't there. It was pretty frustrating. Jake is usually my wingman, but he was focusing on Claire. I actually think it's pretty funny watching him interact with her. I know he likes her, but she doesn't. So all of the hints he's dropping are getting ignored since she's so clueless, or pretending to be clueless.

Then Aaron says to Claire, "Can I use your bathroom?" I had been looking for an opportunity to play this little joke and it seemed ideal to be doing it in a co-ed situation. I thought it would be a lot funnier. So I hurry up and say, "Wait, Aaron. Number one or number two?" [Side Note: Casually talking about bodily functions in mixed company has a way of automatically separating the girls into personality types right away. I subtly glanced around the room looking for smiles, or even chuckles. Those are my type and there were a couple of them. The girls who pretended they didn't even hear me are usually boring or way too prissy. The only girl making the "gross out" face with accompanying gasp, was Shelly. That kind of threw me off a bit. I'd heard she had a crush on me, but she's also a genuine bitch. Like, not the fake kind. A real, actual, down to earth, judgmental, hyper-sensitive, easily offended, hard to read, bitch. And it's such a turn on. Kinda like I know I'm gonna have to really EARN her affection.] Aaron unabashedly replies, "Number two." I say, "Do you mind if I go in front of you? I only have to pee and I don't want to wait." Of course, Aaron doesn't have a problem with me going first.

It was a perfect opportunity to play my little joke. I hadn't done it to any of my current roommates, but I did it all the time when I was growing up. I would put the seat down, get my hand wet in the sink, and sprinkle drops of water all over the toilet seat. It's awesome. Aaron was going to come in after me and one of two things were going to happen. He would either yell at me from the bathroom... something like, "Dude, Calvin! You peed all over the seat." At which point everyone would laugh cause I'd have already whispered to everyone what I'd done. Another possibility was that Aaron wouldn't notice the gleaming droplets on the seat and would remain clueless until he felt the wetness on his upper thighs and buttocks. Then he'd be too embarrassed to yell anything cause he'd have "pee" all over himself. We'd all laugh at him when he came out and I'd be the most popular guy in the room... right where I belong.

I stayed in the bathroom just long enough so I'd be convincing, then I walked out of the bathroom and announced, "Okay, Aaron. You're up!" Unfortunately, Shelly squeezed past me and said, "Aaron said I could go in front of him." She went in the bathroom and closed the door.

My smile faded. I froze. Seriously. I don't freeze very often. I didn't know what to do. I walked briskly to the couch and sat down. I didn't say anything to anyone. Shelly came out a few minutes later. She didn't say anything, either. She got something out of the fridge, like a bottled water or something and then went into her room. I wanted to tell Jake about it so we could laugh and be the life of the party, but he was swooning all over Claire and I thought that if I said anything at that point, it might be at Shelly's expense and I didn't want to embarrass her.

I told Jake about it today. He thought it was pretty funny... you know... cause it is. He's gonna tell Claire in the hopes that she'll pass it on to Shelly at some point. So hopefully I still have a chance.

Calvin

33 comments:

Kate Weber said...

Calvin, that is awesome! You make me happy! Thanks for the smiles, I needed them!

brooke said...

you are too cute.

Cassie Lynne said...

Bahaha

sarahnichole87 said...

I could say, "oh calvin! i wish you would come over to my house and sprinkle water all over my toilet seat!!!" But i wont. Because i think that "joke" wasnt really that funny, seriously who does a number 2 at another persons house? Thats just awkward. (i know, i know, Every body Poops..but in their own house) I'm thinking aaron is one step ahead of you and knew you were going to pull that "joke" hence why he let shelly go a head of him. Honestly, thats the funny part! haha! Aaron is so funny! You should hook me up with him!

Girl101 said...

Now this is an attention grabbing post, I like it. I like it a lot.

Crystal said...

That is hilarious. I agree with Sarah, he probably knew what you were going to do and totally threw off your game letting Shelly go first.

I don't like that you're into the bitchy girl. I don't know why it shocks me since most guys like bitchy girls, but it bothers me. But who really cares about my opinion?

I guess I'll say I hope Aaron hasn't ruined your chances with her....but I just don't like bitchy girls. But I want you to be happy so...yeah....man, I'm wishy-washy today. It's too early.

c a n d a c e said...

that was soooo funny!! I love awkward situations. And I'm sure Shelly is feelin prettty awkward.
C- I love you.

~*~Katie Jo~*~ said...

I can't stop laughing...that is too frickin' hilarious!!

Molly said...

Having 5 brothers I would have totally called you out!

Not having the existing roommates sign a lease is fine if it makes them more comfortable. For the new tenants, I wouldn't even tell them you own the place. I would say you know the guy that does and will pass along any issues to him. I lived in this situation in college and (maybe because it was girls) it was easier to think that the dad of the girl that owned the house wasn't fixing things as fast as we wanted and that is wasn't her that wasn't doing it.

Marci Darling said...

This would happen to you.

anonymouse said...

This is the first thing you've written that has actually made me laugh.

Nikita said...

It would have been a good harmless trick. It's surprising that it backfired... sort of.

I don't get what's the turn on about some girl being bitchy! What's wrong with girls that are actually, genuinely nice?

know it all said...

here's the thing with nick and your other roomates not having a lease agreement. if you don't have anything on paper, it just completely limits you and your options if something were to go wrong. whether you would really go to court over it or not doesn't matter. what does matter is that at the end of the day without any sort of written agreement, you have no proof that they even owe you anything.

and what about going to a collection agency over nick's unpaid amount? this fact alone would have probably been enough to motivate him to pay you to avoid hurting his credit. but that would only have worked with something in writing.

if you're still playing patty cake with aaron and bathroom jokes to try and impress girls, then you have a lot of growing up to do. it wouldn't hurt to listen to people that may know a little more about life than you do.

OMG said...

Way to go rico suave -

There's no better way to kill the mood than to bring up #2.

I would have gone to my bedroom after that too.

Anonymous1 said...

Bros before hoes

what were you thinking? said...

"I'm going to do this really funny bathroom joke then everyone will laugh and Shelly will start making out with me."

Anonymous said...

Why did Aaron ask Claire to use her bathroom if you were all at Shelly, Raquel, and Daisy's place?

Anonymous said...

a;slkdjf;oicjle1!!!! a;lkciaw;jeoickjve? ckljekljcxv;le a;sldjffvielkj v. ;alskdjv;oicg!! a;ckj;aje;lc!! ;alkejcoieie!

Monica said...

hahahahahaha

Nikki said...

Chick thinks she sat in your piss or chick thinks she had to wipe your pee-pee off the toilet seat. Her tongue is not going in your mouth any time soon...ew. You will forever be seen as pee-pee on the seaty guy among all the women. Women have big mouths and it will spread.
I once saw George Clooney on Jay Leno bragging about he squatted over his roommates cats kitty litter and took a dump so the roommate would think his cat was sick for taking a Clooney sized poop. I still picture George squatting with his pants down over a kitty litter in my mind. He no longer wreaks of sex appeal, but rather poop and no appeal. Seriously, I always smell poop when I see George. Now I smell pee-pee when I think of you or your pooping in a cringles can. Please get out of the anal and phallic stage.

Autumn said...

Ha. I laughed.

Waiting in the Wilderness said...

Even though there are less comments on these last posts...I think they are actually more interesting and "informative" than some of the other more heavily commented upon posts.

This is a boring comment, but I wanted to let you know...still here...still reading

Nikki said...

The lack of comments means not enough sex and contraversy. Please write about levi lovin and say something derogatory against women so we can get the ball rolling again....thanks. Masturbation is a great topic too. I don't think it should be against the commandments, I think it should be widely accepted and promoted. love you guys. Seriously. :)N

hater said...

and by funny in a different way do you mean not funny at all? because i thought it was pretty stupid. except for the fact that your own joke backfired on you and made you look foolish.

i think the lack of comments is because they keep pissing people off so they stop reading.

Anonymous said...

so what happened to gaye?

Anonymous said...

everytime I go to your site I get a pop up to'sign into twitter authentication' thing. I don't even use twitter.

Fi said...

Hey! Your twitter account is gone, and no one seems to be able to post on your facebook profile. What's going on, fellas?

Anonymous said...

Nikki,
You really annoy me. And you really piss me off. You're going to hell. Trust me. Plus, it's creepy. You're like... 40, and egging these boys onto talking about masturbation. What the hell is wrong with you?

amy j. said...

Well well well. The fact that there aren't any comments addressing the blog that "revealed" your identities shows that it is in fact true. I can't say that I'm surprised, but mad props to making it last for as long as it did. I'm not gonna lie though, I'm gonna miss the posts and entertainment because while you may be very different than who you say you are I feel like it still gave insight to relationships. Anyway, adios.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Jake, Calvin. Feel free to delete this if you like, but if you two are found out, I say post at least once more.

If this blog is based off real life stuff that happened years ago, then post what has happened. You both are good authors and I like your writing. So write an epilogue at least saying what has happened since then.

That is all, I wish you both the best.

Amber Murphy said...

i knew you boys had to be older. had to be. in my mental love affair with jake i certainly pictured him mid-thirties, minimum.

Nikki said...

Just trying to get someone to comment to me...I win.

Fi said...

I second Sam's comments. My theory has always been that these posts were based on experiences from the past, which was the only way you could have secured your identities ... until someone decided to out you out of pettiness, of course.

Your writing style is entertaining and engaging. I know the fun will be over for some of the more superficial girl readers who were relying on fantasy-based ideas, but for those of us who just like a good story, we're still interested in knowing how it all ends.

It's kind of ... "How I Met Your Mother"-esque, isn't it?