Wednesday, March 17, 2010


The executive secretary has been trying to get in touch with me for awhile. When I say "awhile", I mean for probably a month. (The Executive Secretary is the individual responsible for scheduling appointments at the bishop's request.) He finally caught up to me on Sunday at church and asked if I could stick around for a few minutes after sacrament meeting to talk with the bishop. I said, "Sure. No problem." I figured it was probably because he wanted to call me to some other position in the church. I hoped it wasn't in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, but deep down I kind of thought it might.

When I got into his office, he asked if he could say a prayer before we started chatting. He said the prayer and then he sat behind his desk in silence for a few seconds. I started getting a little nervous. Then he said, "We've got a problem, Calvin." I replied, "We do?" My mind started racing. What did he know? R-rated movies? No. Porn? No... not recently. I had no idea. Then he started talking. He told me that he had received a phone call a few weeks ago from a bishop in another University Ward. Apparently someone in that University Ward had confessed some sins to her bishop regarding some (alleged) immorality. Her bishop had then asked her to give him the name of the person who took advantage of her... which she did, obviously, cause I was sitting in the bishops office. I instinctively asked, "Who are we talking about?" even though I knew he wasn't gonna answer me. Then I realized how that must have sounded. The bishop probably interpreted that to mean, "You'll have to be more specific, Bishop. I violate so many women I can't keep them all straight."

He sighed and said it wasn't important who had given him the information. Then he said, "I'm worried, Calvin, that you might be one of the predators in my ward." I said, "Predator? Really?" He explained that there are some male members of the church who prey (with an 'e') on the women in singles wards. They behave inappropriately and then promptly move or change wards when they feel like there's nobody left.

I reminded the bishop that I had recently met with him and had told him everything at that time. He said, "You're going to have to remind me, Calvin. I meet with a lot of people." I assured him that all of my sexual transgressions had been dealt with and that my conscience was clear. He apologized for his abrupt approach, but explained that he is very protective of the sisters under his stewardship.

After I left his office, I thought about a lot of things. First of all, who was it? It couldn't have been Gaye because I didn't do anything immoral with her... plus she was too recent. Everyone before Gaye I had already spoken with the bishop about. Then I remembered that he had said "University Ward" specifically. Tori. It had to be Tori at BYU-H. It had to be. Except we hadn't even done anything THAT bad. That said, I have no idea how things work at BYU. Her BYU bishop probably told her that tongue-kissing with anyone other than your Eternal Companion was evil. She most likely broke down into tears and told her bishop that a horrible guy named Calvin had kissed her repeatedly while she was laying down in her bed... a mere six weeks before flying to Hawaii. Why she failed to tell him about her weekend of horizontalness with Aaron, I'll never know. At least I had dated her for while. Aaron hadn't. Why the crud am I getting labeled the Ward Predator? Aaron is worse than I am.

Then I thought, "Did she really tattle on me?" I mean, I've never been asked by a bishop for names of girls I'd made-out with. Ever. Before my mission I had told my bishop about a few heavy duty make-out sessions and he told me to call each girl individually and apologize for disrespecting them... but he never asked for their names and addresses. Plus, it's not like I was forcing myself on them. It was always mutual... I'd even argue that, more often than not, it was the girl pushing ME further.

Whatever. Tattling isn't part of the repentance process. I think it's stupid to back a sinner into a corner and tell them they have to confess. How sincere will they really be in that scenario? How remorseful? How penitent? Sure, they'll be upset that they got caught, but I doubt they'll be truly repentant.



Jade said...

Whoa, that's intense Calvin! But you probably are right about it being Tori, just since she is at BYU-H. And just because I have some experience in this area the reason why your name would of been brought up and told would of been because her bishop probably asked her if she's talked to you about it or asked if she thought that you had repeneted of it or not. And to those questions she probably answered no, so the bishop then would of asked her for the name of the individual so he could talk to your bishop, so that they could help you, so it wouldn't end up being one of those things where you thought it wasn't that bad and then later down the road find out, it was infact something you should have repented of.

The reason why I am 99% sure that's why your name got brought up, is because I've had to go into the bishops office over this type of thing and the bishop asked for the name of the guy, I didn't end up giving it because I knew the guy had repented of what we had done, so there was no need. But the only reason your name was brought up was out of concern for your eternal well-being.

Rissy said...

That story would make me nervous to confess anything ever.
Back in the day when I went to Catholic school, we were all required to attend confession, as a class, once a month. My two best friends at the time each confessed to "inappropriate sexual behavior" which meant kissing. We were probably 11 and some of the most sheltered kids EVER. Well they ended up confessed one after the other, on either side of the priests center door. When they walked out and saw each other, both felt the priest assumed they were talking about acts with each other. We laughed about that for a LONG TIME!
Guess yours is way less funny.

some dude who reads MBP said...

Wow, I agree about the whole forced repentance thing. So much for the Bishop being confidential.

Brandi said...

I knew there was a reason I liked you guys.

I wrote about sex on my blog--nothing graphic or even inappropriate--but someone in my ward (and let me remind you, this is a regular ward. We're all pretty much married adults over 30) decided I was on the fast track to outer darkness and was taking the ward along with me, so they tattled to the bishop.

But the real kicker was that instead of calling ME in to discuss the matter, the bishop called my HUSBAND in to talk about it.

Good times, let me tell you.

Joie said...

You are a predator Calvin. You've even admitted that you go ward to ward sometimes just finding the cute chicks.

Whoever tattled on you probably shouldn't have. If you want to confess something that is something you need to do on your own, like you said or how sincere are you in the repentance process.

BUT... you are a "Predator" or a douche, whatever!

C said...

Karma's a b....... I find it interesting that even after that you find a way to completely justify your actions. What if that girl was hurt? Do you even care? It doesn't matter how "bad" it was or wasn't you should have more consideration for peoples feelings, which is why girls rail on you here.

Brooke said...

On your 'backing a sinner into a corner' comment. From my perspective, his primary intention was to get you to knock it off not to get you to repent.

Anonymous said...

What about Marie? Didn't you tell her that you needed to break up because your bishop told you not to date her anymore? She probably went to her bishop and told him everything about how this guy took advantage of her and used her.

That's what you get for being a liar!

Anonymous said...

Actually asking who it was with is a normal thing. Happened to me too. Especially if they are a member. often times its for their benefit, and this girl was probably hurt, so dont get so defensive.

Anonymous said...

I thought you were going to say that someone told him that you are behind the MBP.

Lucy said...

you should change your name to the Mormon Predator Pad.

Anonymous said...

nah man, I don't think it's Tori. I was thinking Marie.

Autumn said...

I've been in the girls position as well when I needed to tell them the name of the guy. But, at the same time, I guess I understand why. Stupid thing is, this guy HADN'T repented and was leaving on a mission in 2 weeks. He must have said I lied or something, cuz he's out there on a mission in Arizona. But you know what? What the heck ever. I just think he wanted you to knock it off. I do think the predator comment was a little rude and uncalled for though.

Katie said...

Haha, I totally thought he was going to say that he found this blog or something. That would have been a better story.

But, alas, this is common for Bishop's to do this. Sucks for you though, especially if you've already repented. The fact that your bishop doesn't remember you confessing is good. One year at EFY, the session director said that when you've truly repented, your bishop should be able to look at you and have no idea what sins you previously committed. If the Lord has forgotten them, why should the Bishop remember?

My guess is Marie.

Whitney said...

That's crazy! - not that you would completely spill all that you had done with a girl if you really did mess up but from what you've said i don't at all see where anything you have done would need to be dealt with the help of a bishop... But i have definitely been asked for names so I know that it does happen - I think it just depends on how invasive the bishop is... And the sad thing is i bet you guys are probably some of the most genuine of the ward yet you are getting this label placed on you! I don't like it!

girls. are. stupid. - i'm sorry!

singlemormonchick said...

there are so many issues that bishops deal with as far as sexual transgression. being in the rs presidency in a family ward you would not believe the shit(sorry for the profanity, "crap" or "garbage" just didnt seem to fit) that i hear about. husband and wives(its not just the guys who are sinning like crazy)just up and leaving because they "arent feeling it anymore" or because they met someone cool at the night class they are taking. we have multiple men being counseled for porn addiction in my ward alone.the church is using financial resources for these men to go to rehab in order to conquer the addiction. i think it is crazy that bishops have to acknowledge the fact the have predators(plural) in their wards. i knew of one man(years ago)who actually crossed state lines to find his next victim, but the bishop was savvy and was able to track him down. in the instance i was acquainted with, the local bishop was contacted by the former bishop in the morning and they were on the sisters doorstep by afternoon to pack him up(he had be "righteously" sleeping on the couch until he could find a job)and give him a bus ticket back home. as i am apt to do, i have rambled on, but it bears repeating that the predator behavior can turn into much more serious stuff and i think its smart of the bishop to address it and be wrong,rather than incorrectly think the best and let dangerous behavior continue. women are smart and strong,but we get silly when we have crushes or are infatuated. its good for the bishop to be protective. hope you dont turn into one of those bitter people who get offended and go inactive.

Anonymous said...

haaaaha what is wrong with these mormons

Karen said...

Calling some one to repentance is what a Bishop is supposed to do - you know Alma quit the Chief Judgeship just to do that happy your Bishop knows who you are and is concerned not only with you but with the young ladies in his ward.

Maybe you should get to know a girl a little more before macking out and then you might not leave so many broken, repentant hearts along the way.

Katherine said...

I agree with Karen. He's concerned about you and the girls. I don't think we realize that when a man is called to be a Bishop, it is his responsibility and his honest desire to take care of those in his ward. If you think about it, singles wards are made up of hundreds of young, single people with raging hormones. It's got to be quite a burden for a Bishop, and I'm sure if he can help one young man or one young woman, it's worth it for him.

Anonymous said...

I think in a lot of cases, it's reasonable for a bishop to ask for the name of the other person involved. No, tattling on the other person is not a part of the repentance process, but if sexual sin is involved, I think that the bishop of the other person should at least be alerted.

(It sounds like you guys only made out, and in that case I don't think it's a big deal for your bishop to be alerted).

But there are guys out there who full on have intercourse with another member and then go about their business and pretend that they are in good standing with the church.

Not okay.

Anonymous said...

I think its great that the Bishop is so protective...but I don't think you're a predator. I definitely vote Marie.

oh what a tangled web we weave... said...

this blog is so fake! you spoke with the bishop about everyone before gaye? what about marie? you went to the bishop before you were even dating her. maybe you forgot about her, it is pretty hard to keep up with your own fake girls that you are pretending to make out with.

mormongirl said...

What would you do if you were a bishop and kept hearing about jerks that push girls to go to bed with them and take it too far?

If I were the bishop, or if it were my daughter you can bet I would want to know his name!

I guarantee there are predators out there like that.

It had to be marie! you're the stupid idiot that told her you went to your bishop about her when you were really just too scared to break up with her. Plus that was about a month ago, the timing makes complete sense.

I doubt some bishop called your bishop from hawaii about tori. She is the one who invites guys into your room on the first date, remember?

Kristin Lee said...

You did describe yourself as a...what was it, a lion or something, a couple months ago. Way to be a predator! Hahaha.

Anonymous said...

The good thing that could happen from this is that you would sit back and realize that maybe you're hurting girls more than you realize, at a deeper level. Maybe you'd realize that making out with a girl isn't the most important thing in the world. Maybe you'll realize the worth of each girl and understand why the Bishop would be so protective. Or maybe, you'll sit back like an idiot and complain about how you got tattled on like a seven year old boy. I bet on the last one.

Freddy said...

Damn...I'm glad I am not a Mormon. For the blog's sake I hope this doesn't actually deter you from continuing as a predator.

MBP=hilarious! said...

ahh yes the joys of going to a church college with an honor code and a required bishops endorsement.
some bishops endorse you and work with you through your "violation" others deny you.

well it could probably have nothing to do with you but see now you got a story out it.

cool story bro

Anonymous said...

I love Mormons.

glad 2b Mormon said...

I'm also glad that I am not in a singles ward... or single.

Anonymous said...

LOL!!!!!! Holy shit! Some mormons kill me! It is one thing to go in and repent for a sin you have committed and it is another to 'tattle-tale' on the person you committed the sin with.

Shelby Lou said...

This is crazy.

I love my Bishop.

Straight up. Coolest guy ever. No lie, he did Yoda impersonations during sacrament, and played a beatles song during a fireside. Life is good where I stand.

Not to mention, in my last interview he said if he could just cut off my face I would look just like this boy he knew. I'm not sure how to take it, but I laughed.

REPENTANCE! Tough on Sins- remember that poster? Oh... good times.

Anonymous said...

Do you feel any shame or remorse? I don't think it's repentance if you keep doing it over and over. Or if you keep bragging about your sins on the internet. Or talk about your sins in a lighthearted, "fun" way. Maybe it was good your Bishop talked to you so that you could take a good look at yourself.

Hailey Jones said...

i think that people who read your blog are mean to you because they are jealous that they never get any action.
why do they take it upon themselves to cast the stones...
because i'm guessing they have never sinned in their life.

long story short is this.
you are not a predator.
poor marie for feeling so sad.
but why didn't SHE tell you about it.

way to already have taken care of the problem though.
sorry about so many people being mean to you. it hurts my feelings to read their comments.

*sarcasm* said...

poor calvin.

i feel so sorry for him.

he uses girls to get some action, then doesn't dump them, but ignores them and hopes they will go away.

if she doesn't go away, then he comes up with a lie that his bishop told him to stop dating her because she must be evil or something.

it hurts my feelings to read all of the mean comments on here. i mean these people saying these things must not be getting any action, ya ya, that's it. that's why they are so mean to him.

i don't know why people can't see what a great guy he is.

Anonymous said...

Hailey Jones - how was marie supposed to tell him about it? he was ignoring her, remember?

and he may not be the type of predator the bishop was talking about, but he is a predator.

Anonymous said...

Going out with girls from different singles wards does NOT make you a predator. There are A LOT of girls going to singles wards here in Salt Lake if you can't find your FEC(Future Eternal Companion) in your ward, maybe she's in the one that meets before or after yours, maybe she's even in one across town!

I don't really agree with how you seem to treat the girls you're with, getting action when you know it's not going anywhere, that's a little low. To each his own I guess.

I do, however, agree with you that the bishop putting people on the spot may not be the best way to get true repentance. And what was up with the whole, "Remind me, I meet with a lot of people" junk? If he asks you if there is anything you two need to talk about and you say no, then either A) You already have taken care of it. -or- B) You're not really that remorseful are you?

Comical. said...

i don't get why half the people that read your blog even do... always just criticizing everything. why can't they just take the hilarity for what it is.. good entertainment? if you're too uptight to handle satirical blog posts, don't read.

calvin & jake - you do nothing but bring a smile to my face everyday. without half the stories that everyone seems to complain about, this blog wouldn't even exist for their enjoyment. would they prefer you write about typical boring mormon lives? the reason none of them have famous blogs, but instead spend their time reading yours, is because they don't know how to tell good stories.

y'all are fabulous. said...

I really enjoy this blog because it seems so real. As an LDS girl with a very dry sense of humor (and who has quite a few NCMO's under my belt...well not literally under my belt...for the most part) it's nice to see some mormon boys who aren't lame and boring. said...

I don't know why so many people have their panties in a bunch about you making out with a few girls and not calling them back.

We're young, let's have some kicks before we go off and get sealed for the next eternity.
After FHE the other night I asked this boy why he hadn't kissed this gal yet and he said because he didn't know if he liked her. To which I responded with, "how do you know you like her until you kiss her?"

am I too desensitized to kissing?

Anonymous said...

Holy crap! I finally agree with you on SOMETHING!

practice what you preach said...

comical - if you're too uptight to handle all of the funny hater comments that make fun of these guys, then don't read them... you idiot!

panties in a bunch said...

acoles - he dated this girl for a couple of months and made out with her many times and lead her on to believe that there was something more than just a ncmo. then when he decided he was finished with her he didn't have the balls to tell her, but instead changed his phone number to avoid ever talking to her again.

then he bragged about it on his blog.

p.s. - i love your artwork! :)

WilWheaton said...

acoles - I agree, sometimes you're totally in to a girl then you kiss and there's nothing. You know you have. to. get. out. I mean, there have to be sparks and there weren't.

On the other hand maybe that kiss will fulfill your wildest dreams. Or your patriarchal blessing.

Jon and Bre said...

First time reading your blog and it was this post. HAHA I'm addicted already! Funniest thing ever! Porn? no not recently. HAHAHAHA at least you are honest.

Don't worry one day you'll get your chance in being one of the Twelve =)

Anonymous said...

Misery loves company. She was feeling guilty so therefore she thought you should feel guilty too. I had a similar situation, except I was the girl. When I went in to talk to my bishop about it, he asked me to reveal the other person. I pretty much told him that if the other person wanted to repent it was between him and the Lord and he would decide when he wanted to repent, not me that is what free agency is for. Forced repentance doesn't seem like something Jesus would make anyone do. Also, it was a mutual action, we both had agreed to participate in, it takes 2 to tango. If I had asked him to stop and he didn't, I would have gone to the cops instead of my bishop, but I hadn't so I'm not going to tattle on him since he had no clue that I felt guilty, what he felt was his own business.

Heather Guymon said...

Dude I would have been pissed. I guess it wouldn't have been the best way to react if you would have just told him to take that info. and shove it. Seriously though? What bishop freaking calls another bishop in a different ward to say something like this and give names? I am appalled. Move to Texas...much less drama and the women are hotter.

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