Flaming Gaye

We had FHE at our house again on Sunday night. We get volunteered more than we actually volunteer ourselves. It's actually kinda nice because it forces us to clean our house. I'm sure that most of the participants expect our house to be a disaster, but surprisingly we're all pretty motivated to make sure our house is conducive to horizontal snogging. That's one of the areas where all of the roommates are on the same page.

After everyone had arrived we started playing the usual FHE games. We played a few rounds of I Never and then we busted out the Thimble Game, but I think it should be called The Sacrament Cup game. (Side Note: This game is simple and extremely entertaining. The person in the middle has a thimble or sacrament cup filled with water. They pick a color [animal, make of car, etc], write it on a piece of paper and put it in their pocket. The other people in the circle begin naming off colors one at a time while the person in the middle holds the thimble of water three inches from their face. The person who says the color written on the paper gets a thimble full of water right square in the face.)

One of the best parts about having FHE on Sundays instead of Mondays is that it's easier to spot the hyper-spiritual girls. How?, you might ask. They're the ones who wear their church clothes all day long on the Sabbath. C'mon, ladies. The Sabbath is a day of rest. How can you take a good nap while wearing that polygamy dress and knee high tights? When church is over, freakin' bust out the sweatpants. If I had it my way, I'd attach velcro to the back of all my church attire so when I walk in the door to my house, I can yank off every article of Sunday clothing and be on the couch wearing my one-piece G's in four seconds flat.

When FHE ended, everyone started slowly leaving our house, but we had the usual lingerers. Typically, the people who linger are people who are either regulars... or they're interested in "getting to know" one of us. One of the girls who stuck around after everyone left was obviously trying to get to know me. Her name is Gaye and I'm pretty sure she teaches one of the Sunday School classes. I'm not positive, though, cause I've never been to her class. She spent a lot of the evening talking to me and over-laughing at all of my unfunny and inappropriate jokes. She got points for that.

There's the usual flirtatious banter between us for a while. Eventually we made it to one of our couches and Aaron started watching Dream a Little Dream on Netflix Instant Watch. Great movie, I think. Gaye got pretty snuggly pretty quickly and I was welcoming the attention since it had been a couple of weeks since I'd rolled around with Marie. Gaye is a horrible name, but she has really great skin. Really smooth without any blemishes. Jake says she has a snaggle-tooth, but that makes is sound unattractive and I find it very attractive. He compared it to Jewel back before she got her Invisiline Braces or whatever. I like the old Jewel grill better than the "New and Improved" Jewel grill. It's almost like her one minor flaw magically turns into the most attractive thing about her or something.

About halfway through the movie, Aaron hands back a 2o lb bag of Peanut M&M's. I'm not a huge fan of candy anyway and Peanut M&M's are one of my least favorite. I started to tell him "no thanks", but Gaye snatched the bag and said, "Thanks." Gaye ate a couple of them and then offered them to me. I said, "I'm not in the mood, Gaye. Thanks, though." A few minutes later, while still staring at the TV, Gaye puts an M&M to my lips trying to feed it to me. So I opened my mouth and she slipped the morsel inside. I chewed it up and continued watching the movie. Then, five full minutes later, I feel another one on my lips. I opened my mouth again and this time she put the M&M into my mouth really slowly. After letting go, she pulled her hand out slowly and let her fingers brush my lips very lightly. I could tell it was on purpose and I got a little excited. The next M&M came more quickly. The same thing again with her fingers. I really wasn't enjoying the M&M's but I was enjoying the process of being fed immensely. On the 7th or 8th M&M, I licked her finger just barely. I wasn't even sure if she'd noticed, but I felt her breathing change for a second. At that point I didn't know who was enjoying it more. What I DID know was that I was getting really sick of those blasted Peanut M&M's. I'll spare you the unnecessary details of the progression from the licking of fingers to the sucking of fingers to the near gagging as Gaye essentially fingered my uvula (yes, guys have uvula's).

For some reason Gaye was comfortable having her hand in my mouth all the way to her wrist with four other people in the room, but never gave me any real green lights to roll around. So not only did I not snog her, but I also had a gut full of Peanut M&M's and at least four uncomfortable explanatory discussions with my roommates about why I sucked Gaye's hand like a nursing calf for 50 minutes.

-Calvin