Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Flaming Gaye

We had FHE at our house again on Sunday night. We get volunteered more than we actually volunteer ourselves. It's actually kinda nice because it forces us to clean our house. I'm sure that most of the participants expect our house to be a disaster, but surprisingly we're all pretty motivated to make sure our house is conducive to horizontal snogging. That's one of the areas where all of the roommates are on the same page.

After everyone had arrived we started playing the usual FHE games. We played a few rounds of I Never and then we busted out the Thimble Game, but I think it should be called The Sacrament Cup game. (Side Note: This game is simple and extremely entertaining. The person in the middle has a thimble or sacrament cup filled with water. They pick a color [animal, make of car, etc], write it on a piece of paper and put it in their pocket. The other people in the circle begin naming off colors one at a time while the person in the middle holds the thimble of water three inches from their face. The person who says the color written on the paper gets a thimble full of water right square in the face.)

One of the best parts about having FHE on Sundays instead of Mondays is that it's easier to spot the hyper-spiritual girls. How?, you might ask. They're the ones who wear their church clothes all day long on the Sabbath. C'mon, ladies. The Sabbath is a day of rest. How can you take a good nap while wearing that polygamy dress and knee high tights? When church is over, freakin' bust out the sweatpants. If I had it my way, I'd attach velcro to the back of all my church attire so when I walk in the door to my house, I can yank off every article of Sunday clothing and be on the couch wearing my one-piece G's in four seconds flat.

When FHE ended, everyone started slowly leaving our house, but we had the usual lingerers. Typically, the people who linger are people who are either regulars... or they're interested in "getting to know" one of us. One of the girls who stuck around after everyone left was obviously trying to get to know me. Her name is Gaye and I'm pretty sure she teaches one of the Sunday School classes. I'm not positive, though, cause I've never been to her class. She spent a lot of the evening talking to me and over-laughing at all of my unfunny and inappropriate jokes. She got points for that.

There's the usual flirtatious banter between us for a while. Eventually we made it to one of our couches and Aaron started watching Dream a Little Dream on Netflix Instant Watch. Great movie, I think. Gaye got pretty snuggly pretty quickly and I was welcoming the attention since it had been a couple of weeks since I'd rolled around with Marie. Gaye is a horrible name, but she has really great skin. Really smooth without any blemishes. Jake says she has a snaggle-tooth, but that makes is sound unattractive and I find it very attractive. He compared it to Jewel back before she got her Invisiline Braces or whatever. I like the old Jewel grill better than the "New and Improved" Jewel grill. It's almost like her one minor flaw magically turns into the most attractive thing about her or something.

About halfway through the movie, Aaron hands back a 2o lb bag of Peanut M&M's. I'm not a huge fan of candy anyway and Peanut M&M's are one of my least favorite. I started to tell him "no thanks", but Gaye snatched the bag and said, "Thanks." Gaye ate a couple of them and then offered them to me. I said, "I'm not in the mood, Gaye. Thanks, though." A few minutes later, while still staring at the TV, Gaye puts an M&M to my lips trying to feed it to me. So I opened my mouth and she slipped the morsel inside. I chewed it up and continued watching the movie. Then, five full minutes later, I feel another one on my lips. I opened my mouth again and this time she put the M&M into my mouth really slowly. After letting go, she pulled her hand out slowly and let her fingers brush my lips very lightly. I could tell it was on purpose and I got a little excited. The next M&M came more quickly. The same thing again with her fingers. I really wasn't enjoying the M&M's but I was enjoying the process of being fed immensely. On the 7th or 8th M&M, I licked her finger just barely. I wasn't even sure if she'd noticed, but I felt her breathing change for a second. At that point I didn't know who was enjoying it more. What I DID know was that I was getting really sick of those blasted Peanut M&M's. I'll spare you the unnecessary details of the progression from the licking of fingers to the sucking of fingers to the near gagging as Gaye essentially fingered my uvula (yes, guys have uvula's).

For some reason Gaye was comfortable having her hand in my mouth all the way to her wrist with four other people in the room, but never gave me any real green lights to roll around. So not only did I not snog her, but I also had a gut full of Peanut M&M's and at least four uncomfortable explanatory discussions with my roommates about why I sucked Gaye's hand like a nursing calf for 50 minutes.

-Calvin

76 comments:

singlemormonchick said...

that is freakin hilarious. i cannot believe that did not end in a make out. weird. i have a good finger sucking story that i might post. you guys always jog my memory and give me good post ideas. thanks!

Anonymous said...

"Like a nursing calf". Love the imagery. lol

Lauren said...

this is hilarious!

Um, I think sticking your hand in people's mouths is gross. She is weird...

Shantel said...

I just found your blog. No- I do not live under a rock - I am old. I was reading some of your posts, and I went from laughing my head off, to feeling frustrated, then outright angry. I pulled my husband in from the other room, and read some to him, and he thought you guys rocked. Then he explained some about how guys think. I'm like - "Why, after 14 years and five children, is this all new information?" he says he is part of what keeps the spark alive - the mystery. Then he pulled a magnet -that looks like a pen- out of his pocket, stretched it to its 2 foot length and grabbed my fork off my breakfast plate. Yes, he ate the bite on it. Whatever - I just feel old. Good thing I'm hot.

c a n d a c e said...

Nursing calf?! Too funny, C. I'm definitely not a fan of this whole situation... especially peanut M&Ms- yuck.

Hank said...

If sticking parts of herself in you for 50 minutes isn't a green light, I don't know what is.

Also, hot girls with terrible names make them even hotter.

Shelby Lou said...

ummm this is gross. haha

sorry but sticking your fingers in someones mouth. what the?

you tell stories so well tho. no lies

Katie said...

That's slightly odd. Just sayin'

Rissy said...

The flirting that leads up to actual kissing is always so exciting. I miss that.
Does kind of sound like a let down though. I'm going to assume this girl is really not attractive since all you mentioned was her skin...

The Lady Girl said...

I called it.

I just stopped reading the post so I could comment that you totally changed that girls name to Gaye so you could put Flaming Gaye in the title, while also making people think it was going to be a controversial topic about being "gay". K. Back to the post.

The Lady Girl said...

oh man, that was hilarious...I died. I was partially embarrassed for her though...i think you are exaggerating when you say her whole hand was in your mouth, however, the visual was awesome haha. Great story telling skillz.

Krys said...

I DID think it was going to have to do with gay people... but obviously not. This was hilarious. Great story, Cal.

Grand Pooba said...

Hello? Doesn't she know what happens after the sucking of fingers? The sucking of toes of course.

What a tease.

brie said...

peanut m&m's + salty sweat human hand = major diarrhea.

(for me anyway.)

nasty cal! too bad you didn't at least get a good makeout out of it...

Whitney said...

One-piece G's? Really?

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Calvin is not exaggerating. At one point I couldn't tell where her elbow ended and his 5 o'clock shadow began.

-j

Crystal said...

For some reason I find the fact that were sucking on someone's fingers extremely disgusting. I don't really know why. Even the poop thing wasn't THAT gross to me. I really don't like saliva though and the thought of someone sucking on my fingers is just odd...shouldn't she be sucking on YOUR fingers if anyone is doing any sucking? Okay, I've said sucking about 20 times and I don't know if any of that made sense.

Gaye seems like an interesting person....

Annie Citrine said...

hahahaha! This is the first post that actually made me laugh out loud. How awkward! I'm very sorry this girl thought you'd want to eat a half a bag of nasty Peanut M&M's with her entire hand (who knows where it's been, by the way) in your mouth?? Very sexy. I say you keep her. HA!

emz said...

Whoa. Scandalous.

Erin said...

good lord. let's hope she washed her hands after the last time she used the bathroom.

Abi said...

This is quite disgusting to me. I'm pretty sure there is no reason someone's hand should be in another's mouth for 50 minutes.
It's just wrong and quite strange...

Anonymous said...

GROSS!!! these stories make me happy that I am not single. single people will do anything for a little "snog"
P.S. I HATE THE WORD SNOGGING!

Chelsea Michelle said...

HAHAHA Oh. my gosh. I just laughed out loud in class and got a really weird look. Annnnd I just threw up in my mouth a little too."I sucked Gaye's hand like a nursing calf"...for some reason makes me feel a little gaggy. I don't know if it is the name or what...but that is one of the funniest things I have heard all week. Thank you for that.

Lindsay said...

this is incredibly awkward.

kel(LOVE)lie said...

How do you know where her hands have been?

I'm going to go brush my teeth now.

Andee said...

That is probably the wierdest thing I think I have ever heard...and awkward. Why would you let someone do that?

...haha creepy man.

Kris said...

I hate to say it, but I am totes with Jake on the snaggle-tooth thing. Jewel's old teeth = gross! But, I am kind of a hypocrite when I say that because last night while I was watching Chuck I noticed Kristin Kreuk has a bit of a snaggle-tooth and she's gorgeous.
Hilarious post. Too bad about the non-snog hand sucking though.

The One Klar said...

Pretty gross. That's all.

What the Hale's?! said...

Wait, wait, wait... I can't get over the one piece G's thing...

Belo Prado said...

hahahahaha!!!

Jocelyn said...

horrible horrible name, however, this post was "utter-ly" hilarious. Oh my goodness... I am sitting in the marriott reading this, and I wonder if you or Jake is sitting next to me, laughing silently to the fact that I am reading and laughing out-loud at your "nursing calf" and horrendous stomach ache. kudos to this situation.

Anonymous said...

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madison said...

It sounds sexy...until the very end...That sucks. She just left after force feeding you?

Marci Darling said...

SHE.IS.WEIRD.

Bethany said...

This is gross and hilarious!! You shouldn't go after her she seems like she would do weird things....i mean unless you're into that kind of stuff.

Cassie Lynne said...

I love being force fed peanuts m&m's. The salt from their hand adds to the salt of the peanuts.

Anonymous said...

wow.

I am glad I am not the only one that thinks this is the weirdest.thing.ever.

However, it did make me laugh out loud.

Also, to you really wear the one pieces?!

Tiffany said...

LOL and ewww.

whatyoutakemefor said...

I just laughed so hard I almost peed.

-TG said...

haha wow she was totally coming on to you.

brooke said...

scandalous!!! i like it! peanut m&m's and a tease = good times...she was probably trying to leave you wanting more...oh the games the gals can play...fun memories...

and uh.isn't maybe a little un-american to dislike peanut m&m's...going to look into this...i'll get back to you...

LittleMissBritt said...

She seems...uh...weird, to put it lightly lol.

All that and you didn't even get to makeout with her...lame.

I would not appreciate someone trying to finger my uvula haha...and I'd be slightly kinda nervous about whether her hands had been washed recently or not.

Amy said...

I love Peanut M&Ms so this was a really hard post to read..sigh...
but seriously I only clean my house when I know people are coming over too. One last oh, so important thing: The Thimble game is like the best. game.ever. I mean water in people's faces? GOLD!

Nadia said...

For some reason, even though I've read all of your other posts, this one is really disturbing...and ruined M&Ms for me.

scoutingchick said...

Love the reference to Jewel, and I'm with you, Calvin, I love her "old" teeth.
ps, I'm definitely into my sweats right after church gets out!

Zuzu Bailey said...

Hi-lar-i-ous!I'm not a fan of peanut m&ms either. peanut butter, yes... As for the finger sucking, it can actually lead to some fine, and fun snogging. The her fingering your uvula thing tho, not so hot

Brigitte M. said...

Hi! I was recently converted to the MBP Blog and I love it! You guys are so whitty and fun! I love that you guys still have fun and are members of the church; because lets face it there are some "extremists" out there. Thanks for blogging it brings joy to my life when I am bored in class!
-Bri

P.S. what made you start this blog? and do you guys say where you go to school?

Allison said...

Oh no! This is TOO FUNNY. Silly Gaye. Silly Calvin.

And I'm seriously gonna have to play that Thimble game- it looks hilarious!

Karen said...

Hope her hands were clean!

Autumn said...

You know what I thought of while reading this? The really weird chick in Single's Ward that was way hyper and asked that one guy to the dance. I don't know. Sucking like a calf just grosses me out, and I'm sure her breath smelled of peanuts, so no loss there Calvin.

Jake, your comment grossed me out. I don't know if I'm more grossed out that Calvin has shadow, or that her arm... Oh gag me. That's gross thinking about it. Great post Calvin. Entertaining, but I think I'm going to go throw up now. :]

Autumn said...

Oh, and what the hell kind of a name is Gaye?

Little said...

HA! funny post...i really thought that all that was gonna lead to a make-out session...and seriously if i was feeding a guy like that i wouldn't do it for 50 flippin' minutes....i would have moved on..haha

Vickie said...

I really like this post. This girl may not have executed this properly but you mentioned that it worked at the beginning. With a little tweaking this "move" that Gaye had is Golden! See ya later, i'm going to improve this tactic and get myself a make out sesh!

Brittnay said...

Thats just gross! Like extremely!
Oh and as much as I try not to, I like you a little less because you don't like peanut M&M's.

~*~Katie Jo~*~ said...

BAH-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

CharleeWonders said...

haha, loved it.

Laurel said...

Hahahaha! Thanks for a good laugh! This blog is the best thing to ever come into my life, thank you MBP.

Shelby Lou said...

you are so right.


i would NEVER have to share my peanut m&m's.

SRSLY GOOD CALL!

Kellie said...

Maybe that's a uh...turn on for her? Like ear biting or something. Except ear biting is hot and full on hand sucking is not.

Brooklyn said...

I only have one question after reading this.

Do you really have one-piece G's?

Anonymous said...

Hand sucking is a bit much. But finger sucking is hot.

Except I don't like to be fed, AT ALL, so that would turn me off...maybe you feel differently.

And also, I should thank you, because I don't think I'll ever eat peant m&ms again. Healthy!

Anonymous said...

Maybe one day you guys will grow up and realize how stupid this is. What you guys are doing here really is embarrassing the LDS church and I am disgusted. I had heard about your blog and decided to check it out and now I wish I never had. I really wonder if you guys are really as happy being single as y'all pretend. I mean it is obvious that you are not prepared for the blessings of an eternal marriage. When you start mentioning sacred ordinances in an online post though I have a problem. Please refrain from that. I hope that one day you grow up and realize how stupid an immature this is.

Hailey said...

You thinking sucking a girls hand and having your uvula fingered is in enjoyable? Ewww.

Joie said...

HAHA! This post was awesome. Totally made me laugh out loud and it's one of the funnier ones in the last little while. I even made a co-worker read it!!!
But... I'm wondering what actually happened???

Anonymous said...

if hand feeding you peanut m&m's and letting you suck on her fingers in not a green light, then I don't know what is.

Anonymous said...

you can also play the thimble game with a water bottle lid so you don't have to steal sacrament cups.

jill said...

Sometime I wear my Sunday clothes all day, not becaue I am hyper spiritual, but because I like to look pretty in a dress. When you have to make dinner, go to meetings and take care of kids, you don't always have time to take a nap after church.

Tara said...

I know I have mentioned this before...

www.exposembp.blogspot.com

I know you guys are pretending you don't know about this, but I seriously think they are getting colder.

...and really Calvin. Her whole hand?

M said...

You made me laugh out loud at work, good day. I love the water in the face game. Last time I played I threw the whole cup of water in my mom's face. So fun!

Monica said...

hahahahahahaha. I had to contain my laughter as I read this since I'm not allowed to laugh audibly in the library. Pretty sure I looked retarded to people who may have looked over and spotted me hunched over my laptop shrugging my shoulders in silent laughter.

Brittany said...

Did you guys decide to not do the private ratings?

S said...

I think I grimaced for the rest of this post as soon as I read "peanut m&ms".

OMG said...

Shut up! That girl's name is not Gaye! There is just noway. That name was popular in a different generation so that tells me either you are really old and just rewriting things from your youth or you are a complete liar.

Just come out of the closet already and admit that the only reason you put "flaming gaye" as the title was because it turns you on.

Liz said...

Like a "nursing calf"... ha ha. lol. SICK.

After a strange discussion once a guy told me he could fit my fist in his mouth... he could. But I woudn't have let him suck my hand.... SICK. haha. I don't see how that idea would be appealing in the slightest.

HA HA. And what a strange thing for your roommates to watch.... ba ha...

Rachel said...

Thanks Calvin, I needed that story tonight. ha ha ha.

Tricia said...

I'm super late to the party! Man alive...this was the funniest thing I've read in ages! I was seriously busting a gut reading this post. I'm kinda sad I missed out on this blog while you were still actively posting. I've enjoyed reading all the posts. Admittedly I'm not your target audience. I'm a Married 38 year old mother of 4. Who rates (on your scale) a 4 at best. The Mormon bachelor Pad has been a blast to read. You're both true entertainers and characters! Doesn't mater to me who you really are... I think you've successfully made us feel like we've visited the Mormon Bachlor Pad. Thanks J&C