Saturday night I went on a date with a girl my sister set me up with. Calvin had a date too, and we doubled.
Doubling with Calvin is like playing basketball on LeBron James team. I have to do almost no work, and I almost always win.
Calvin and I are perfecting the date. Our hypothesis is, if the girl laughs, feels important, and we smell good, then the fact that we are 6's won't matter and they will fall desperately and madly in love with us.
That's the hypothesis anyway.
So, Saturday was great. We barely had to dip into our scripted dialogue because we were just bouncing so well off each other. One example. My date says, "Yeah, I've been looking for a place to live for a little while." I say, "Well, if you end up on the street or something you can sleep in my bed." Calvin, hears this, points across the table and says, "Did you just offer her your bed?" I respond, "Yes." Calvin looks confused and says, "Oh... that is sweet, but... where will you sleep Jake?" All eyes rested on me. I shifted my eyes back and forth slowly from her to them as I said, "In... my... bed." (Purposely cracking my voice slightly on the last word.) The table burst into laughter. That's just one example and that little exchange will be added to our scripted dialogue for future outings.
So, needless to say, my date was going great. We rode together on the date, but made sure that come time to take the girls home that we would be driving them separately so as to maximize our chances.
My date was cute. She had a short, almost boy, haircut that was bleached and colored in kind of a messy punk look. She had a great neck, I had been visualizing my mouth on it since dessert.
As we were pulling into her neighborhood, we started talking about divorce. She brought it up. Her parents were in the middle of a pretty hairy divorce, I gathered, as I sort of half-listened while trying to remember what her porch looked like so I could plan my approach in the best way possible. She then asked me what I thought about divorce. I said, "Nasty business." She said, "Yeah. I never thought it could happen to me, but now that it's happening to my parents, I guess anything is possible." I said, "Yeah, I don't see it happening either, but what do I know?" She says, "I just don't see how one person could leave the other person if they are in love with them, even if they did something really bad." I responded quickly, "Unless they cheated."
She looked at me. I was driving but I could feel her glare. I thought that she was looking because she wanted to hear more on the topic. I said, "If my wife cheats on me, if she has sex, SEX, with another person. I'm done. I am out of there. I don't care what the circumstances are. That's evil and selfish stuff, you know?"
She was silent.
I realized she may not have exactly the same viewpoint as I did. She said, "No circumstances?" I said, "Well, rape isn't really cheating, I wouldn't have an issue with rape." She said, "Don't you think people can make mistakes?" I thought for a second. I could see this conversation was taking a turn for the worse. Do I opt for telling her what she wants to hear and salvage the doorstep scene? Or, do I tell her what I really think and risk losing my chance at that collar bone?
I said, "I've never been in love enough to want to marry someone, so my opinion means little, but... I have to believe that if my wife and another guys johnson were involved in any... uh in any... if there was any sex or anything like it, I would divorce her." She stared at me. I had stopped now in her driveway. She said, "That is so naive." I looked at the porch. No light, I was really throwing away an opportunity here. She was a cool chick, too. Future dates would be welcomed. I thought about the work involved in reconciling this little disagreement. I decided that I would have to be like, 'what I meant was...' and '...I don't know what I'm taking about... blah, whine, blah' and that i would have to spend at least an hour talking about it in the car. That wasn't worth it so I opted to just say what I really thought.
So, she said, "That's so naive." and I said, "Maybe it is. Maybe. But, it seems to me that Jesus left a provision in his 'no divorce' doctrine for adultery and adultery only. That by itself at least gives someone cause to think my naivety is understandable."
The look on her face just before she blew up was not cute at all. So it was probably for the best, because what kind of relationship can someone have if they can't say, 'You look so cute when you're angry.'
She chewed me out for about five full minutes, her eyes filled with tears, and I really felt sorry that she was dealing with this. It seemed apparent to me that her dad had caught her mom cheating. She wanted them to stay together. Her dad was probably with me on this, though. Amidst her, 'you're so ignorant', 'have no respect', 'need to learn to walk in other peoples shoes', and 'I'm not surprised you're not married'... a bunch of "man hating" undertones came through. She finished with, "Judge not lest ye be judged, Jake." She reached for the door handle and I undid my seat belt. She paused, looked at me with mascara running down her cheeks and said, "Are you kidding?"
I wasn't planning on a make-out or even a hug, but figured I at least should have walked her to the door. She said, "Don't call me sometime." and slammed my car door behind her. I drove home wondering if her parents had just told her about the divorce, like... four minutes before our date or something because her reaction to my opinion seemed a bit much... especially when I didn't know the circumstances when she asked the blasted question.
Seriously though, I think it's safe to say if you marry me and then decide to share the most sacred thing that a couple can share with each other with some other dude besides me... take half my money and get the hell out!