Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Negotiation 1010

Lately, I have been showing up for work pretty late pretty often. My boss kind of ripped me a new hole two weeks ago. I really wanted to care, in fact I swear I do care. Honestly, all of the time I think to myself, "I am going to do better." "I am going to be on time tomorrow." "I'll make certain to go to bed early tonight." However, my actions do not support what I say at all, because I was late every day last week, and then yesterday and today.

Today, the boss pulled me into his office. He is shorter than me. Has dark hair and very pale skin. Looks like maybe he's Jewish, but I am hardly the authority on that. But, he sort of looks like a shorter, less lanky version of Zach Braff. His name is Jesse. He is a pretty cool boss for the most part. He's always talking about movies and stuff and doing his best to relate even though he is nearly 35. We discussed my tardiness.

JESSE: You aren't making excuses anymore.
JAKE: What do you mean?
He looks at a paper on his desk.
JESSE: You started working here on January 25th. Since then you have been more than 5 minutes late, um, 14 days. You called in sick twice and took all of last Friday off to buy a house.
JAKE: I asked for that off two weeks in advance.
He looked at me for a minute. I have been in this situation countless times, but this was a little different. He wasn't mad. I wasn't sure what he was, but it made me a little nervous.
JESSE: Yes you did. Thank you. (He set the paper down and sits on the corner of his desk. It was a very brotherly feeling.) What I am getting at is that you don't seem to be taking your job very seriously.
JAKE: ... (I thought about saying, "You're right, I don't... and your point is?" but chose to just stare at him.)
JESSE: You used to come up with really great excuses. (He grins.) My favorite is still the lesbian neighbor that was talking to you who you didn't want to be rude to because you thought if you cut her off mid-sentence she would think you hated her just for being a lesbian. (That really did happened by the way.)
JAKE: That really happened.
JESSE: And then, while you're at work, you are constantly talking to the other salesman. Taking an extra few minutes on your lunch everyday, and making trips to the bathroom as many as (he looked at his paper again) 10 times a day. (He laughs) I mean do you have irritable bowel syndrome or what?
JAKE: I don't know. Maybe I should get that checked out.
After that came out of my mouth I realized what a smart-ass I was being, and regretted saying it. He looked at me with a smirk, he was studying me like some sort of strange creature he had never seen. While he was studying me I thought to myself, "Do I think I am smarter than Jesse? Yeah. Yeah, I do. I am."
JESSE: Jake, with the way you treat your job I should be firing you. This is the type of thing that's hard about being a manager... (While he continued I remembered that the last time I got fired I was able to find a new job in less than a month I thought to myself that if he was going to fire me right now I could run to that Carl's Jr that I almost got caught at and totally throw off the girl who almost busted me because I would be there way before I was scheduled to be off work. I plotted to shamelessly flirt with her and to further fool her by getting one of those tasty new salads instead of my usual jalapeno burger. My fantasy was interrupted when in Jesse's ramblings I heard...) you're the number one salesman in the company for the month of February... by a lot. I should be giving you a raise.
JAKE: I think so, too.
JESSE: (Chuckling) Yeah, well how can I tell my boss that you deserve more money when you already have the worst rap sheet on the sales floor?
JAKE: I can do better.
JESSE: Yes. Good. That's what I need. Be on time for two weeks straight. Keep up the sales and we'll get you another 75 cents an hour.
JAKE: (75 cents and hour times 40 hours a week is $30. Wahoo that's $120 a month!) I can totally do that.

I figured that if I can get a 75 cent raise in 2 months, it would be no time at all until I get another. Before long I might be able to afford to buy Jet-Puffed Marshmallows instead of the Great Value Brand knock-offs.

Tonight, me and the boys did a little play date with Claire and her posse. At our early dinner I regaled everyone with my good fortune and my plan to climb the corporate ladder. All the guys seemed pretty impressed with my negotiation skills. However all the girls, including Claire, seemed to think I had a lot of growing up to do. Pssshhh, girls. (shakes head condescendingly)

An additional $120 dollars a month tells me I'm doing something right.

Jake

33 comments:

KatOfDiamonds said...

I giggled out out at this one, KUDOS!

(& I am sending my housewarming gift soon!!!)

xoxo Kat

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Just so everyone knows, the lesbian neighbors aren't named Lacey and Tiffany. That would be awesome! It's more like Bertha and Boris.

-c

Ashley said...

Don't screw it up. I'm looking forward to hearing if you can actually be on time for work 2 weeks straight.

Crystal said...

I could pop you in the face. I've been with the same company for 4 years and I haven't gotten a raise in over a year. I'm a hard worker too...never late, never call in sick.....you jerk.

Mostly I'm just jealous. But you better not make mini Zach Braff fire you. And I love Zach Braff, I would totally date the mini version.

Rissy said...

you're a people person it seems... so why not go back to school and getting a better position at a company. Obviously people like you... well not taking the bloggy world into consideration...

Anonymous said...

haha that's awesome!

Anonymous said...

Sorry but the only thing that this demonstrates is what a poor manager your boss is. It is quite apparent that the arbitrary rules that you are arbitrarily breaking has not affected your performance. So where exactly is the problem?

It's a control problem. Your manager is more interested in controlling you than the results you deliver. Gotta give him a little credit for trying to temporarily see past that. Wonder how long that'll last.

Next time he tries to pull that, turn the tables on him and say "I'm the number 1 salesman in the company...by a lot. Tell me what you're going to do to hang on to me". Don't put up with crap like that. You're selling yourself short if you do.

Katie said...

You should work at the place I worked over the summer. They could care less if you showed up late, and you got 22$ an hour starting pay and catered lunches every Friday. The only punishment you got for being late was not being put in a drawing at the end of the week for 100$. haha. Congrats on the raise!

Craig Barlow B. said...

I know a gal who really likes your blog.

Also, an extra $120 a month would really make my life skyrocket in quality.

~*~Katie Jo~*~ said...

You're buying generic brand mallows??

No. Marshmallows are one of those treats in life that if you are going to indulge in, you must go for the gold.

Don't wait for the raise to buy the gold.

Cassie Lynne said...

Dang gina. Nicely done

Liz said...

You know recently I can't seem to get on time for anything....

sigh*

I hate it. I even have my clock set ten min ahead. Maybe this is my problem... I always think I have "ten more minutes".

Brit O'Connor said...

Man, you are SUCH a lazy ass. Not being a hard worker (no matter what you do) is such an unattractive quality.

If you can't find a job you enjoy- CREATE ONE!

I would suggest dating 18 year olds...they're your best bet for marriage- too stupid to figure out that you won't be able to support them.

Boys who go on missions do one of two things once they get home- either A) Act like they're still 19, get married to the first girl who will take them and struggle for years financially and in relationships because they never matured in the real world or B) Come home mature and ready to start their careers and settle down (once they find the right girl)

...take a wild guess as to which type you are...?

Brad: Mormon SL,UT said...

i just read a statistic that 135,000 people lost their jobs in utah in 2009. i don't know how they come up with that number, maybe people like you count two or three times. last month the unemployment rate went up from 6.3% to 6.5%. also, for every $10k a person made a year it takes as many months for them to find a new equivelant job on average. ($60k = 6 months)

i get that you're not settling down in your career or anything, but the job market is tough right now. my work put an ad in for a $9/hour cashier this week and received 130 applications in 5 days. nuts.

Brenn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KG said...

ummm...that's pretty much my life. I'm late everyday, and my boss loves me. It's pretty freakin' sweet. I'm not gonna lie.

Jenny (jeh-knee) said...

So I'm in the QUIET section of my school's library and I just laughed loudly, making people look at me... nice job! :)

whitney said...

You're like the Jim Halpert of your office.

brooke said...

dude!! this is totally me...i am terminally late for everything...nahsomuch something i'm proud of but eh.sometimes you just have to accept your flaws right! plus even though i am tardy everyday i am still the first one to work so does it really still count as being late if the tree falls and no one is around to hear it?

and seriously a raise?! oooohhh, get it get it!

Anonymous said...

Whitney, no.

Jim isn't late to work all the time, he's not a whiny little baby, and he doesn't treat girls like crap. Jake is nothing like Jim.

KG said...

@anon Jim Halpert is also a fictional character...you know that right? Just because The Office "looks" like a documentary, doesn't mean its real. Just sayin.

translation of KG's comment said...

...ya so now I'm going to back to my blog and talk about edward and the other guy from twilight, because they are real people and I have no life and will threaten to stab you in the face if you mess with me.

KG said...

MBP, has anyone ever told you that you have a some crazy mean readers, who are chicken and too scared to not be anonymous? yeesh!
I can't believe there are so many people with out a sense of humor! Take this blog for what it is, people! Entertaining! And freakin' lighten up!

oh and you're right, I am sooooo in love with a fictional vampire. oh thats right, I'm married. Thanks for the blog hits though.

Britt said...

Your comment was kinda low too KG. Like, did you really need to come back on here and slam the anonymous blogger for claiming that Jake is nothing like this Jim guy from the office? There are some mean people on here, I agree. However, look at the source? Do you honestly think that Jake and Calvin treat women with respect? They are constantly degrading women left and right. I comment anonymously, because I don't want my blog to be read by everyone and their mom, but on a lighter note...I too am all for team Edward!

Prick said...

Okay... seriously, who thinks Jake and Calvin are disrespectful and degrading to women?

I read this comment all the time... not just from Britt, (if that is your real name?) but like at least 10 times a post. What gives?

Give me an example, please, because I don't see it.

Shelby Lou said...

please be on time for 2 weeks. PLEASE. I know you have it in you...

Britt said...

This is for you Prick and then I'm done because I've seen you blow up every post just to get a reaction and I think we're all basically over it. In fact, I almost feel like you may be actually Calvin or Jake trying to stir the pot to get more comments.

This was posted by Calvin himself in a recent post: "My behavior is rude and unkind so the girls in my life are forced to do things they wouldn't normally do. I take full responsibility. That doesn't mean I'm going to change or make any more of an effort to be civil in my breakups. It simply means I recognize my douchebaggery."

My name is Britt or Brittany. But, like I said in my last post I choose to comment anonymously because I don't want my blog out there for the world to see. Kinda like how you choose to post under the name Prick. I mean, unless that's your given name. I'm sure you'll grace us with another comment, so go ahead. I'll even let you have the last word. It seems as though you thrive off crap like that.

another example said...

"all the girls, including Claire, seemed to think I had a lot of growing up to do. Pssshhh, girls. (shakes head condescendingly)" - jake

emmakaren said...

The blog that's trying to figure you out is most certainly one of the best /funniest things of my life. And please be on time, you must buy real mallows....

meliss3092 said...

I get to work much later than I should pretty much every day lately. It's bad! But I have a cool boss and so far it has been fine, and I get my work done and all. I even tell myself the same things you tell yourself...seems to rarely work though.

Nikki said...
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Shelley said...

Yeah, Jake. How sexist. You should have said, "Pssshhh, People." Much more politically correct. And how dare you, Cavlin, playing games with girls in the dating arena. No one else does that! Lol. (That's all sarcastic, by the way, in case you missed that). I have to say, you've aquired some weird haters. Why do people complain about what you write and still read it? Again and again? Weirdness. It must be masochism. ;)

Anonymous said...

Hey Shelly - glad to see you have a sense of humor because you have the wrong name. did you know all the bachelors at the MBP make fun of a fat girl at church named shelly? Ya, they call her smelly, shelly with the big jelly belly or something stupid like that. Maybe it is really you they are making fun of.