Friday, February 19, 2010

Sassy = Stupid

Tonight is Lance's birthday. We all decided to do a huge group date. I didn't plan very well, and this afternoon I still didn't have a date. I called my sister (who is two years younger than me and down at Snow College) to see if she knew of any girls up here that I could take.

She called me back a few hours later and asked if I wanted "sporty or sassy"? I told her the date was in four hours and that I should probably try both. She said she already talked to them and they were both available. She said that she told them she was just going to check to make sure I didn't get a another date so that I could choose. I said "sassy sounds good". She said her name was Sienna. She started to tell me about her, but I cut her off and said I didn't care and that I would get to know her on the date and to just to set it up.

I never have to worry if a girl is going to be cute or not when my sister is involved. She seems to have a keen talent for surrounding herself with the "beautiful and popular". Not sure how we ended up being siblings, but it's a resource I have always been happy to tap.

Sienna was hot. She was really hot, an easy nine. Not "easy" like, I could pretend I left my wallet at home so that she would have to pay for dinner and she would still beg me to passionately press her up against the wall of her parents porch for a snog session at the end of our date. No, "easy" like I mean she is very easily a 9 out of 10 on the Looks Only Scale. Whenever I pick up a girl like this (this hot) I get all excited and try to remember some of the more abstract parts of my patriarchal blessing that I can construe to mean that we should leave that night for Vegas and get married, and live for a year in the pad with my roommies until we can get sealed in the temple.*

Sadly in the very short drive from Sienna's house to the restaurant I realized that she was just an empty box wrapped with Thundercats wrapping paper and a silver bow. She was seriously uninteresting. She went from a 9 on the LOS to a 6 on the OS in less than eight minutes. Our conversation on the way to the restaurant made me feel like I was one of those gas pumps that always has a couple more questions. You know, like - zip code? - member card? - car wash? - Toyota or Honda? - Alba or Fox? - Lost or Dexter? - Sure about the car wash? - can I borrow a dollar? - Are you cold yet? - Select Grade and begin fueling.

We got to the restaurant and there was a really long wait. Probably because there were 16 of us in this group-date-birthday-extravaganza. All the roommates plus Brakken, and another of Lances friends and all of our dates. Also I had invited an old mission companion of mine who just got back, Elder Chapman or... Eric, I guess. He is in town from Minnesota and only had tonight to hang with us so I told him to bring a date and come along.

I was glad to be at the restaurant so that I could look at Sienna, and be seen with Sienna, but talk to someone else. There were a lot of conversations and jokes being thrown around the group while we waited. When Eric showed up I was the only one that he knew, so the job of including and entertaining he and his date fell to me. Eric is one of those guys that takes the term "dweeby" to new heights. I loved serving with him though we had nothing in common so it was fun to catch up.

However, I did not expect his date to be a girl like Claire. Claire and Eric were also set up. Claire was cute, she was a 7 on looks (Calvin would probably give her an 8 because she was closer to his preferred body type) but it was her personality that won me over. Our four-some within the larger group quickly became Claire and I talking and getting to know each other while our dates watched. She is barely 19. I know how quick we are to judge based off of age, but this girl is as sharp as a tack.

Amidst all those people, Claire's and my witty repartee consumed me. There might as well have been no one else there. Who knows what Eric and Sienna did? I discovered that she had gotten a jump start on college and only had a year left at the U before she would be eligible for med school. Smart chicks are hot. If I could find a girl I thought was smarter than me it would be like... like... Rudy Ruettiger getting to play for Notre Dame.

In contrast to my actual date, Claire jumped from a 7 LOS to a 9 OS. Eric was cool with me moving in on her since he was heading back to Minnesota. (I know because I asked, bro's before ho's, yo.) So, I got Claire's number and will definitely use it.

When I dropped Sienna off I expected her to make a b-line for the door, figuring she didn't like being ignored all night. I didn't even try to hide my infatuation with Claire. Instead Sienna sat and wanted to chat for a bit, which was pretty much the right amount of torture to make me want to punch babies. As I walked her to her door she linked arms with me and I saw greenlights flashing. I was totally going to appropriately tongue kiss her right there. However, I remembered all the comments on this blog about respecting women and all that so I decided to ---- psych! Ha ha. But I didn't kiss her, though. I couldn't be bothered to deal with the awkward pre-doorstep scene banter. So I gave her a quick hug with a pat on the back and then hurried back to my car.

Jake

* It's not Church Doctrine to live with roommate for 12 months prior to getting married in the Temple. I just think it would be cool.

41 comments:

The Lady Girl said...

whoaaaa, hang on a sec. are you sure you'd be okay with her going to med-school? Oh wait that would be Calvin's problem, he can't handle educated women. hahahaha. Cute post! Really made me laugh.

Meg said...

Ha ha ha! I love the psych! Clair sounds cool.

Autumn said...

And there is nothing wrong with what you did. Nothing at all :]

Hayley Jo Reese said...

I love that this happened to you!! Yes yes yes!!!

Mary said...

Currently, I am unable to sleep. I just got on the computer most likely out of the pure hope that you would have posted... Sorry about the bad date with Sienna but Clair sounds great. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Rad For sure!!! Clair seems awesome. Im glad things are looking up! oh and the Smart girl comment yo made... Awesome.

Bekah B said...

haha...oh geez...boys.

Bekah B said...

haha...oh geez...boys.

Kristin Lee said...

This post made me laugh a lot. Especially the part about punching babies.

And that probably makes me a horrible person, but I say the same thing. Mainly for the shock value.

Kate Weber said...

"Which was the right amount of torture to make me want to punch babies..." Genius! Haha! Wow, I don't think I've ever been tortured that much!

Can't wait to hear more about Claire! Hope you to have many wonderful jaunts together.

emz said...

I love it when guys learn that hot girls are not necessarily attractive. :) But I'm glad you got along with Claire! It sounded fun.

Rebecca said...

Claire was "sassy"? My husband calls me "sassy", but I'm usually being something else (and it rhymes with witchy!). Fortunately, he really thinks I'm sassy!

singlemormonchick said...

lds dating rituals are weird. its a miracle that anyone gets together at all.

Lauren said...

You are awesome. Know why? You referenced Rudy and Dane Cook with the whole punching babies thing. Love it.

Bad Horse said...

You tap your sister?

Nikki said...

"which was pretty much the right amount of torture to make me want to punch babies"...GREAT LINE!! Permission to plagiarize?? I will give billing. :)N

Crystal said...

Sounds like a productive evening. :)

*sings* THUNDER, THUNDER, THUNDERCATS!

I'm sorry that song has been in my head since you mentioned the wrapping paper....

Katie said...

Oh snap...a pat on the back? That's the worst. Way to go for not making out with her!

I'm glad you hit things off with Claire though, I think you should most def go for her.

*sarcasm* said...

oh no, you wouldn't want anyone to think you have any respect for women. that would be a bad thing!

beyond disturbed said...

I just can't get the image of you punching babies out of my head.

Drake said...

I can relate to this one. I went on a date with a '9' and just the carride conversation alone was excrutiating. Didn't ask her out again, and later she complained to me that I never gave her much of a chance.

She has since gotten married, and then run off on her husband for a guy she met on the internet, so...turns out that was a dodged bullet.

Basically all that to say, nice choice on Claire. You never know what kind of bullets you're dodging.

hater said...

wow, my perception of you is really changing. Looks are not the only thing you care about ---
physc!

the fact that you thought about putting your tongue down her throat even though you are totally not interested in her, not to mention going to vegas just so you could have "legal mormon" sex, reveals your true character.

~*~Katie Jo~*~ said...

Pretty sure this is one of my favorite posts. Hilarious. Good luck with this Claire chica!

Devin & Ruthann said...

"pretty much the right amount of torture to make me want to punch babies. " Hahahahaha! I totally started laughing out loud when I read that! Though I don't like the idea of punching babies obvi, the comment was so well timed, it was hilarious!

PS Good luck with Claire. Sounds like you guys really hit it off!

Anonymous said...

I liked this post, because you were honest. I do believe you are less of a tool bag than Calvin because you still endured the date with Sienna and made a connection with Clair, who just so happens to be on the education path. I think if you really felt there was a connection, you should seek her out! I give you mad props for not hooking up with Sienna just because she was hot! I am slowly gaining respect for you again :)

Anonymous said...

This is better than reality t.v.

Amy said...

Thundercat wrapping paper FTW!!!!!
Okay fine, this post is ALL WIN!
LMAO...still.

p.s. I hate it when I have to make all the conversation. Go Claire.

20 Something said...

And your back in the game. I love that you said . . . .
pretty much the right amount of torture to make me want to punch babies.

I laughed very hard. Because I am a horrible person.

Good Luck

brie said...

huh. you'd think the "sassy" option wouldn't be so damn boring.

according to cal's scale on looks only, i'd have to gain about 50 more lbs.

i find this hilarious.

Robins Family said...

MBP,

Ok I totally just came across your blog. I stinkin' love it! It is so crazy funny. Thank you for giving me some good laughs while my 2 year old naps, much better then whats on TV.

I think its so funny that you rate these girls and what not. ha ha! It's so priceless seeing the mans side of a relationship...or whatever it is you guys wanna call it. I think it really makes girls see how they can get so crazy in 'love'.

On another note, I'm glad it's you guys playing this dating game and not me anymore! But I will say you guys play it really well!!

Belo Prado said...

I think reading this blog can almost be compared to reading raccist jokes. Some posts are sketchy, others all out wrong, but you can't help but laugh.

Grand Pooba said...

A pat on the back? Are you serious?

Lucy said...

Every time you mention Lance, I can't help but think of *NSYNC.

colleenroselle said...

this was a better post than I have read in a longgg time from you guys. yey!

Waiting On a Missionary said...

hey there is a total difference between sassy and gay.... sassy = awesome gay = stupid

-Bridge (known for being the sassy one)

whyimstillsingle said...

Not trying to start a fight here, but is there anywhere besides Utah where it's socially acceptable to refer to something as "gay"? (Besides homosexuals, of course.)

I'm not gonna go off on how offended I am at how everyone there seems to use it because I don't really care how you choose to express yourself.

I just honestly think it's an interesting cultural phenomenon. Using that term here the way it seems to be used there is definitely frowned upon to say the least.

Anonymous said...

I grew up in Vegas and grew up referring to stupid things as gay. Then, I went to school in Idaho and still referred to things as gay as did the people around me. I understand your question and I think it's normal to ask it, but I just refuse to play into the whole politically correct thing. I think there are definitely places other than Utah who use that term in that way.

Bonnie said...

I love that you asked for her nuber hahaa!

Waiting in the Wilderness said...

It is pretty normal to refer to things as "gay" in California (northern, bay area and central valley). My friends that actually are gay, use it that way too.

From what I've noticed, the people most offended by the term are straight people that don't spend a lot of time with gay people in general, or those that assume everyone is homophobic. (I am not saying this applies to you whyiamstillsingle, it's just an observation I've made from my own experience.)

Heather Guymon said...

Punch babies. Haha.

The mental picture of being pressed up a porch during a forceful and passionate make out makes me want another baby to punch. REALLY bad.

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