Sassy = Stupid

Tonight is Lance's birthday. We all decided to do a huge group date. I didn't plan very well, and this afternoon I still didn't have a date. I called my sister (who is two years younger than me and down at Snow College) to see if she knew of any girls up here that I could take.

She called me back a few hours later and asked if I wanted "sporty or sassy"? I told her the date was in four hours and that I should probably try both. She said she already talked to them and they were both available. She said that she told them she was just going to check to make sure I didn't get a another date so that I could choose. I said "sassy sounds good". She said her name was Sienna. She started to tell me about her, but I cut her off and said I didn't care and that I would get to know her on the date and to just to set it up.

I never have to worry if a girl is going to be cute or not when my sister is involved. She seems to have a keen talent for surrounding herself with the "beautiful and popular". Not sure how we ended up being siblings, but it's a resource I have always been happy to tap.

Sienna was hot. She was really hot, an easy nine. Not "easy" like, I could pretend I left my wallet at home so that she would have to pay for dinner and she would still beg me to passionately press her up against the wall of her parents porch for a snog session at the end of our date. No, "easy" like I mean she is very easily a 9 out of 10 on the Looks Only Scale. Whenever I pick up a girl like this (this hot) I get all excited and try to remember some of the more abstract parts of my patriarchal blessing that I can construe to mean that we should leave that night for Vegas and get married, and live for a year in the pad with my roommies until we can get sealed in the temple.*

Sadly in the very short drive from Sienna's house to the restaurant I realized that she was just an empty box wrapped with Thundercats wrapping paper and a silver bow. She was seriously uninteresting. She went from a 9 on the LOS to a 6 on the OS in less than eight minutes. Our conversation on the way to the restaurant made me feel like I was one of those gas pumps that always has a couple more questions. You know, like - zip code? - member card? - car wash? - Toyota or Honda? - Alba or Fox? - Lost or Dexter? - Sure about the car wash? - can I borrow a dollar? - Are you cold yet? - Select Grade and begin fueling.

We got to the restaurant and there was a really long wait. Probably because there were 16 of us in this group-date-birthday-extravaganza. All the roommates plus Brakken, and another of Lances friends and all of our dates. Also I had invited an old mission companion of mine who just got back, Elder Chapman or... Eric, I guess. He is in town from Minnesota and only had tonight to hang with us so I told him to bring a date and come along.

I was glad to be at the restaurant so that I could look at Sienna, and be seen with Sienna, but talk to someone else. There were a lot of conversations and jokes being thrown around the group while we waited. When Eric showed up I was the only one that he knew, so the job of including and entertaining he and his date fell to me. Eric is one of those guys that takes the term "dweeby" to new heights. I loved serving with him though we had nothing in common so it was fun to catch up.

However, I did not expect his date to be a girl like Claire. Claire and Eric were also set up. Claire was cute, she was a 7 on looks (Calvin would probably give her an 8 because she was closer to his preferred body type) but it was her personality that won me over. Our four-some within the larger group quickly became Claire and I talking and getting to know each other while our dates watched. She is barely 19. I know how quick we are to judge based off of age, but this girl is as sharp as a tack.

Amidst all those people, Claire's and my witty repartee consumed me. There might as well have been no one else there. Who knows what Eric and Sienna did? I discovered that she had gotten a jump start on college and only had a year left at the U before she would be eligible for med school. Smart chicks are hot. If I could find a girl I thought was smarter than me it would be like... like... Rudy Ruettiger getting to play for Notre Dame.

In contrast to my actual date, Claire jumped from a 7 LOS to a 9 OS. Eric was cool with me moving in on her since he was heading back to Minnesota. (I know because I asked, bro's before ho's, yo.) So, I got Claire's number and will definitely use it.

When I dropped Sienna off I expected her to make a b-line for the door, figuring she didn't like being ignored all night. I didn't even try to hide my infatuation with Claire. Instead Sienna sat and wanted to chat for a bit, which was pretty much the right amount of torture to make me want to punch babies. As I walked her to her door she linked arms with me and I saw greenlights flashing. I was totally going to appropriately tongue kiss her right there. However, I remembered all the comments on this blog about respecting women and all that so I decided to ---- psych! Ha ha. But I didn't kiss her, though. I couldn't be bothered to deal with the awkward pre-doorstep scene banter. So I gave her a quick hug with a pat on the back and then hurried back to my car.

Jake

* It's not Church Doctrine to live with roommate for 12 months prior to getting married in the Temple. I just think it would be cool.