Arachnophobia

I was born in Arizona and I don't tolerate heat very well, ironically, so my parents always provided me with a fan to use while I'm sleeping. When we moved to Utah my parents thought the fan would no longer be necessary given the colder climate. However, I had grown accustomed to the "white noise" the fan provided, as well as the constant breeze blowing directly onto my face. I remember how sad I would get every Fall when my parents took my fan away and put it in the downstairs closet until Spring. When I was around 10 years old, I was able to articulate my "fan addiction" and accompanying "fan withdrawals". From then on I've always been allowed to have my fan blowing on my face all year long. Sometimes it's been a big box fan. Sometimes it's been a large oscillating fan (more people should use the word "oscillate", I think) and sometimes it's been a small fan that clips to my headboard. Those have always been my favorite cause then I can position the fan, literally, five inches from my face. It's beautiful.

There is one "con" to this type of fan. On the rare occasion when a girl is asleep in my bed with me, the fan blows her hair all over my face, tickling me to a point where I can't sleep. But the girls never seem to mind. They must be used to their own hair tickling their own face. One day, when I've been married for a while, I wonder if I'll grow accustomed to my wife's hair tickling my face and be able to sleep through it. I hope so.

About three years ago, I discovered a new benefit to my fan addiction. Spiders don't like the wind. Have you ever gotten close enough to a spider to blow on it? Well, I have. They run the other way. Almost all the time. So, by that rational, I've assumed that spiders will avoid my fan breeze and, therefore, any spiders crawling on the floor or on my bed will stay away from my upper torso, face and neck. This is great news. Especially cause all through elementary school people told me that everyone consumes an average of 7 spiders a year... in their sleep. In fifth grade, Tyler told me that spiders crawl in my mouth while I'm sleeping and I chew them up without knowing it. I still believe Tyler, actually. (And you will, too, by the time I finish my story.)

I sleep on my back for the most part. I'm not much of a "tosser" (funny inside joke if you're familiar with Irish insults) or a "turner". I'm pretty sure I remain relatively stationary while I sleep. So a couple of nights ago I was fast asleep (by myself) in my single bed. I woke up at some point in the night and I was scratching my left pinkie knuckle with quite a bit of force. I had no idea why I was scratching it because, well, I was asleep. But after a second or two, I woke up enough to realize how badly my finger was itching. The light from the kitchen was on and was casting a strip of light across my chest. I brought my hand up to the light and stopped scratching it just long enough to look at it. It was swollen, red, and still itched like crazy. I thought to myself, "A freakin' spider bit me." I closed my eyes and continued scratching as I fell back asleep.

I woke up a few hours later when my alarm went off. When I slowly drifted into consciousness, I realized how itchy my top lip was. I went into the bathroom and noticed I had a huge fat lip. It was red and swollen... just like my pinkie finger was a few hours before. That spider had bit my lip. What the crap?

The scariest part is when the realization hit me that when I had woken up the first time scratching my finger... that spider was probably on my chin, holding really really still, patiently waiting for me to lay back down and close my eyes. It was probably singing me a lullaby or something.

Oh... and I had a weird taste in my mouth. Kinda like spider meat.

Calvin