Thursday, February 11, 2010

Arachnophobia

I was born in Arizona and I don't tolerate heat very well, ironically, so my parents always provided me with a fan to use while I'm sleeping. When we moved to Utah my parents thought the fan would no longer be necessary given the colder climate. However, I had grown accustomed to the "white noise" the fan provided, as well as the constant breeze blowing directly onto my face. I remember how sad I would get every Fall when my parents took my fan away and put it in the downstairs closet until Spring. When I was around 10 years old, I was able to articulate my "fan addiction" and accompanying "fan withdrawals". From then on I've always been allowed to have my fan blowing on my face all year long. Sometimes it's been a big box fan. Sometimes it's been a large oscillating fan (more people should use the word "oscillate", I think) and sometimes it's been a small fan that clips to my headboard. Those have always been my favorite cause then I can position the fan, literally, five inches from my face. It's beautiful.

There is one "con" to this type of fan. On the rare occasion when a girl is asleep in my bed with me, the fan blows her hair all over my face, tickling me to a point where I can't sleep. But the girls never seem to mind. They must be used to their own hair tickling their own face. One day, when I've been married for a while, I wonder if I'll grow accustomed to my wife's hair tickling my face and be able to sleep through it. I hope so.

About three years ago, I discovered a new benefit to my fan addiction. Spiders don't like the wind. Have you ever gotten close enough to a spider to blow on it? Well, I have. They run the other way. Almost all the time. So, by that rational, I've assumed that spiders will avoid my fan breeze and, therefore, any spiders crawling on the floor or on my bed will stay away from my upper torso, face and neck. This is great news. Especially cause all through elementary school people told me that everyone consumes an average of 7 spiders a year... in their sleep. In fifth grade, Tyler told me that spiders crawl in my mouth while I'm sleeping and I chew them up without knowing it. I still believe Tyler, actually. (And you will, too, by the time I finish my story.)

I sleep on my back for the most part. I'm not much of a "tosser" (funny inside joke if you're familiar with Irish insults) or a "turner". I'm pretty sure I remain relatively stationary while I sleep. So a couple of nights ago I was fast asleep (by myself) in my single bed. I woke up at some point in the night and I was scratching my left pinkie knuckle with quite a bit of force. I had no idea why I was scratching it because, well, I was asleep. But after a second or two, I woke up enough to realize how badly my finger was itching. The light from the kitchen was on and was casting a strip of light across my chest. I brought my hand up to the light and stopped scratching it just long enough to look at it. It was swollen, red, and still itched like crazy. I thought to myself, "A freakin' spider bit me." I closed my eyes and continued scratching as I fell back asleep.

I woke up a few hours later when my alarm went off. When I slowly drifted into consciousness, I realized how itchy my top lip was. I went into the bathroom and noticed I had a huge fat lip. It was red and swollen... just like my pinkie finger was a few hours before. That spider had bit my lip. What the crap?

The scariest part is when the realization hit me that when I had woken up the first time scratching my finger... that spider was probably on my chin, holding really really still, patiently waiting for me to lay back down and close my eyes. It was probably singing me a lullaby or something.

Oh... and I had a weird taste in my mouth. Kinda like spider meat.

Calvin

50 comments:

Katie said...

There's five minutes of my life I'll never get back. Yeah, this definitely won't cause any commotion like your last post. Good job!

By the way, anyone who thinks your anti-woman is stupid and obviously it's them that is anti-proclamation to the family and listening to the talks given at general conference on the importance of a mother staying home with her children. Unless they aren't LDS and don't know about any of that stuff. But still. You da bomb Calvin!

Punk said...

I realize that the point of the post is spiders, but spiders freak the crud out of me so I focused on the fan part.

When I was first married, we lived in warm (cheap) places with no AC. We bought fans. We had fans on in every room. We loved our fans.

Now, 10 years into this marriage, neither of us can sleep without a fan on, AND if either of us walks into our room and the fan was turned off, we both will stop to figure out what's wrong with the scene, all weirded out. Not to mention that visiting family is a huge problem, especially in the winter, when no one understands the fan-to-sleep issue. White noise is a powerful thing, my friend.

Btw, this was bizarrely timely. Last night the oscillating fan in our bedroom died. DEAD. We stole the oscillating fan from our kids' room. ... Oscillate.

Sorry about your spider bites.

Bad Horse said...

You are not having luck with the ladies that you have to speak of eating spiders? Lame.

Elysie Piecie said...

Fans are good, I can't sleep without them. However, when they're clipped on headboards, there is always the potential for long hair to get tangled up in it. And that hurts and most likely has to be cut out. I hate spiders...especially the creepy type that get in pools and can swim. Anywho, at least if you ate the spider, you had your revenge on it by making sure it no longer roamed the earth.

Crystal said...

I've never really thought about if I could be afraid of spiders. Most crawly things don't really bother me.

But the thought of one going into my mouth is freaking scary. I don't want to eat bugs! I know, I know...we all eat bugs occasionally. But it's just gross to think about.

My friend Cassie has to have a fan on her face and her pillow over said face to sleep. Makes no sense. How do you feel the fan if the pillow is over your face?

It's always too cold in my apartment for a fan though.

Nice, safe, post. Good job.

Busy Bee Lauren said...

I once woke up with 6 spider bites on my cheek. Wish I had thought of a fan defense.

MamaBear said...

i can put up with your misogynist ways, my dear calvin, and both of your pussy "breaking-up" anti-habits. but posts about spiders may make me end my subscription.

that is all.

meliss3092 said...

I like the noise of a fan while I'm sleeping. It kind of blocks out everything else. I got started on this in college. I've never really put it right in my face though. As for the spider...ew.

Anonymous said...

So what you're saying is that the fan really didn't work in defending you from spiders.

This was a stupid, boring post!

Julie said...

So...when you say your not "much of a tosser" are you admitting to "tossing"? Are you confessing that you don't "toss" often?

(not just an Irish insult or strictly used in the Irish vernacular.) just sayin'...

I shudder at the thought of possibly consuming a spider in my sleep. Yuck!!!

Devin & Ruthann said...

Hahaha, gross! And I totally have a fear of eating spiders in my sleep. Maybe I need a fan clipped to my headboard...

Oh, and your future wife's hair blowing on you at night...if she puts it in a pony tail it will be fine.

Kellie said...

I can't sleep without a fan on no matter how cold it is. I need that noise!
I hope I never realize I've eaten a spider in my sleep. I like to think I'll get my protein elsewhere..

Kate Weber said...

HAHAHA! Oh dear. I love spider stories like these. Partly because I have many of them myself. It's good to know that the spiders aren't only freakishly attacking me, but other people as well.

Also, I am not used to my hair tickling my face. Not in the slightest. It's one of the reasons I hate my long hair. I suffer through.

Marci Darling said...

You should check your mail in the next few days. Hopefully you will find something that will help you get horizontal so we don't have to read more post about spider bites. Even though I slightly enjoyed it.

Oscillate.

Dara said...

a. i hate SLEEPING WITHOUT A FAN.
b. spiders suck. in an "im-not-even-kind-of-kidding-that-story-freaked-the-heck-out-of-me" kind of way.

scoutingchick said...

gah! disgusting spiders. I hope your facial swelling goes down quick!

My hair was down to my waist last year, (I just cut it to my shoulders) and I got really good at completely flipping it over to the other side of my face when I needed to change positions in my sleep.
I always put it in a long loose braid on the rare occasion that a guy was sharing my bed, and it seemed to work pretty well.

-manda

Anonymous said...

please hurry and get a new girlfriend.

Zuzu Bailey said...

Better an ocsillating fan than spider. Spiders freak me out too!
I totally agreed with your earlier post. Mothers should be at home being... Mothers. Advanced degrees are a good thing too, though. Should something happen, and you're not able to provide for your family, you will really appreciate both the money and the health insurance that can come from employment.

Waiting On a Missionary said...

well "they" do say that insects and bugs go into our mouths during our sleep....you totally ate it.

kelly anne said...

*shiver* i am now thoroughly creeped out by your spider story. i hate those creepy crawly beasts!

i sleep with a fan on too! i have a hard time falling asleep when it's not on because i'm used to the noise... plus it blocks out all the random creepy house noises that my over active imagination construes as someone breaking in to murder me.

The Lady Girl said...

When your posts aren't repulsive, they're just plain boring. I would say those spider bites are called Karma. Wonder what's next?

Kristin Lee said...

That made me laugh a lot. The spider wanted to kiss you. Also, I thought I was the only one who had to sleep with a fan. I was reassured for like a split second about it keeping spiders away.

Belo Prado said...

So I dunno if anyone has said this or not, I'm too lazy to read everyones comments. But I discovered that spiders do not actually climb into your mouth. They will climb all over the rest of your body, but never in your mouth. It's too wet, and plus if you did have your trap wide open your breathing would scare it off. But people do not consume spiders, that's a very popular myth.

I can sympathize with your heat issues. I was born in Hawaii and I can't sleep even in Idaho winter if I don't have my window wide open.

Girl101 said...

Not that I'm not eating this up, but rather than detailed, whimsical tales of a spider that wanted nothing more than to kiss those purdy lips, and make adorable little spider babies with its first human love... ever think it could be a mosquito that bit your knuckle, and then went for your lip..?

Andee said...

1. I hate that you sleep with a fan. It reminds me of my ex and that bring back really bad memories. Thanks.

2. It's crazy to me that you had to make this post. I was just thinking this morning about that "you consume 7 spiders a year" thing. I believe it too...but I don't like it.

3. that weird taste in your mouth is called bad breath. Hopefully you brushed your teeth.

Hailey said...

I am horrified, HORRIFIED by this post. Nothing is worse than spiders. Nothing. Cacer, starvation, the family's dog of 10 years dying, nothing compares to the nastiness of spiders.

Ugh. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight because I'll be so paranoid about waking up to some creppy eight legged creature attempting to eat me... or be eaten by me. Both are equally horrifing.

Thanks for sharing in the future that's the kind of story I would prefer you kept to yourself! :D haha.

S said...

Spider hickeys.

Autumn said...

You would have heard me screaming.

Rissy said...

You disgust me! How could you possibly write/think these kinds of things! Ugh I will never read anything you write again and have a negative opinion of LDS in general!




O wait...

Jade said...

Oh cute, Calvin not only has a bunch of girls that want to ncmo him, but he also has some spider friends that want to to...

But dude, it'd be gross if it wasn't a spider that bit you, and it was that freaky ugly bug that you saw in your kitchen that one day... gross....

Amy said...

Make leg hasn't stopped shaking since from reading your post and all the way through the comments so far. It's the anxiety! I hate spiders. Like, I literally freeze when one surprises me. No running like Miss Muffet no siree, not me. stoopid irrational psyche. Ugh.

I was just waiting for a comment to bash you for being "good" Mormon boy and having girl's in your bed. But NOTHING! Sigh. Maybe later I'll get lucky.

Zona Bosted said...

After almost 13 years of marriage my Big Guy still complains about my hair tickling his face, but if I even threaten that I'm going to cut it he freaks out. We have four daughters and he is always complaining about their hair tickling his nose when they hug him....and yet he won't let me cut their hair either. There are some things you will just learn to deal with.

C$ said...

I cannot sleep without a fan either. Glad to know I'm not the only one! The words "spider meat" completely made my day.

jm said...

Dude, this post made me cry.

But only because I have terrible arachnophobia.

Ewwwwwwwww. Thanks.

Abi said...

So apparently people are going to hate on you no matter what you post-your deal breakers were too much to handle and now the spider story isn't enough...
People are so critical.

On another note:
"It was probably singing me a lullaby or something."

Favorite quote

Anonymous said...

Single Mormon Chick recommended your blog -- and I bumped into Tripp Hazard's blog, who also is a fan.

Really like that you can say that you sleep with women from time to time.

Kat said...

so what you're saying is you can only sleep if you are being blown...oh calvin you sneaky little perv, always finding ways to make any post dirty.

CaLLie.ANN said...

I had some really great and witty comment for you, but Kat totally stole my thunder.

Touche', Kat.

P.S. Good luck with the spiders.

Anonymous said...

Hey you know my friend Cameron Petteron? He went to ireland on his misson at the same time.

The Lady Girl said...

lol @ kat.

waaasted time said...

dumb.

AMBER said...

YIKES! That was creepy! I hope I never consume a spider. THanks for the thoughts for the day! Ha ha.

Amy said...

SPIDERS ARE LAAME.
Ewww.

Vanessa said...

I have to have a fan too. An oscillating one I keep at the foot of my bed all year long. There is no other way to sleep. I wear my hair up so my hair doesn't go all crazy and cause any tickling.

Lula! said...

Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

Little Debi said...

Um, you should definitely move back to Arizona.

and spiders suck. :/

ChristineMarie said...

This was fantastic.

I don't think I've ever felt the same kind of emotion as I do for this blog. It's a mix of disgust, wonder, awe, and this twisted form of respect.

Blog on, boys.

artsyesque said...

If you make her keep her hair in a ponytail, she won't be with you long. Sleeping with ponytail hair is bad for your hair and likely to induce a headache. Sleeping with ponytail-requiring-boy: also likely to induce headache.

Just lookin' out for you...

Carmen San Diego said...

I'm not sure if you're gonna let this comment through, but I'm gonna try.

We're getting closer, day by day to finding you.

Good luck staying anonymous boys.

www.exposeMBP.blogspot.com

Kari Anne said...

Too funny! Stumbled across your blog and LOVE it! you guys are too much!

I also have to sleep with a fan going! It's a noise thing...I think...LOL... No matter where I lay my head down at night to sleep or how cold it is...(in Southeast, so it doesn't get too cold here...until this winter that is)I MUST have a fan!

Keep bloggin!!