Wednesday, February 17, 2010

German Pancakes

I'm finally pretty sure I can say with a good degree of certainty that Marie is officially out of the picture. Whew. It was kind of rough weekend. I haven't seen or heard very much from her since I got my new phone for my birthday. I thought for sure that I had avoided her for long enough that I no longer had to worry every time our doorbell rang. She only dropped by the one time, as far as I know, and luckily Lance had used all twelve of his brain cells to point her in another direction.

Several people have mentioned my seeming affinity for the "crazies", but to be fair I'm pretty sure they're normal girls. My behavior is rude and unkind so the girls in my life are forced to do things they wouldn't normally do. I take full responsibility. That doesn't mean I'm going to change or make any more of an effort to be civil in my breakups. It simply means I recognize my douchebaggery.

Whenever I hear a girl telling a story about an experience she had, I actually retell the story in my own head while she's rambling. I know how girls are. Here's an example:

Girl: So I was like, "How dare you talk to me like that?!?!" and then he was like, "You're the one screaming like a crazy 'b'".

My Mental Translation: So I said, "Why do you say things like that?" and he replied, "I meant that in a good way."

I've been present for several female confrontations and then been lucky enough to also be present for the retelling, and I promise you... this is not an exaggeration at all.

What's my point of this? Well, I'm the same way. This is our blog so all of the experiences we share are from our perspective. Of course (some of) our readers tend to agree with our point of view all the time. A few of you, however, hate us and tend to always side with the girls we happen to be dating at any given moment. If you read back through our old posts and accompanying comments you'll notice how often our readers love the girls we date WHILE we're dating them. That's mostly because we're describing them in a flattering way because we like them, too. But when we start to lose interest, we focus more on what they do that bugs us... and, naturally, a lot of our readers agree with us.

So even though Marie is coming off as a crazy stalker, she probably isn't. Actually, I think Marie is the exception to this rule. On Sunday afternoon, I was sitting on the couch with Jake and Aaron watching some Netflix Instant Watch something or other. Jake's phone rang and I saw him glance down at his phone. I asked, "Who is it?" He shrugged his shoulders as he answered it and said "Hello". I looked back at the TV and heard him say, "No, this is Jake, but he's right here. Do you wanna talk to him?" Jake handed me the phone. I mouthed "Who is it?" and Jake shrugged again and mouthed, "A girl."

I put his phone to my ear and said, "This is Calvin." I heard a familiar voice. "Hi, Calvin. This is Marie. Happy Valentine's Day." I had no idea what to say. I had successfully avoided her phone calls and "pop-ins"for three full weeks... even going so far as changing my phone number, even though that was just a lucky coincidence. I'm not lost for words very often. In fact, I don't remember the last time I was so surprised that I didn't know what to say. I said "Hey, Marie." I stood up and walked into the other room while Jake mouthed through silent laughter, "Sorry, dude."

I babbled through the most awkward and uncomfortable conversation that I'd ever had with anyone in my entire life. I apologized for not getting back with her. Then I told her that I'd met with my bishop two weeks earlier for my annual birthday interview. I told her that I'd talked with my bishop about some of the heavy duty kissing we had done and that I continued to find myself in risky situations with her. None of these things are true, but I felt like I had been backed into a corner and didn't know what else to say. Then I lied even more and told her that my bishop had counseled me to stop dating her if I didn't feel like our relationship was healthy.

I couldn't tell if she was crying or not, but she told me that she understood and then hung up the phone. I felt pretty crappy. But it got worse on Tuesday when I got her Valentine's card that she must have mailed on Friday or Saturday. I thought about scanning it in, but after Andrea's letter, I decided to just type it out:

Calvin, I don't know what you're thinking or feeling, but if things are over between us I just want to thank you for spending time with me over the last few months. I had such a great time and you mean so much to me. Good luck with whatever you decide. Happy Valentine's Day! Marie

I sincerely hope that this experience has taught me to actually break up in person... like a man. But it probably hasn't.

Calvin

66 comments:

Hailey said...

Just grow a pair, the girls will keep coming back until they get closure. In a chicks brain its ten times more likely you were attacked by some crazy Hobo and struggling to survive in the hospital than simply that your not interested. You just gotta make a nice clean cut. Itll be easier for you that way.

Sara said...

Wow.

Amy said...

Geez. Reminds me of my husband. When I found out he had broken up with numerous girls by just stopping contact, I was ticked. I actually told him to call them all and apologize. yeah right. (it was a heat of the moment comment.) sigh.

I can kind of understand you boys (yes boys) chickeness. Who knows how the girl is going to react and as we see from many of this blog's comments, girls can be nasty. And because of this blog I more fully understand why men/boys don't tell us much. :) I do still think at least a phone call or a text is the least you could do. Consider it? for me?
much love and laughs, amy

Katie said...

Ditto to Sara. Wow. I like how you lie about confessing something to the Bishop. Somehow I don't think that will go down in Heaven very well.

Poor Marie. Boys do make girls do crazy things, so I suppose I don't actually think she's crazy. Definitely learn how to break up with a girl in person, it shows a little bit of integrity. Though don't bring her a candy bar and a bottle of your favorite banana nesquick drink whilst doing so...Just sayin', it's not appreciated. Not that that happened to me. The fact that you probably have made many girls cry reminds me of the quote from one of the Prophets or somethingabout making sure to not make girls cry, because God counts their tears. You probably have your own whiteboard up there ;-)

Nonetheless, you're still awesome. If you weren't so short, I'd try and convince you to go on a date with my super beautiful, but tall, roommate.

Rissy said...

You do kind of suck. (can't say much more without being a huge hypocrite though).

I feel bad for Marie that she liked you so much, she ignored all the signs that you weren't interested. No girl should have to chase a guy. Especially one who doesn't give her his new phone number.

B R I T N E Y said...

I had German pancakes for lunch on Valentine's Day... didn't realize anybody else still really ate them...

The Lady Girl said...

Just curious, what will be your reaction when down the road, if you have a daughter, she meets your reincarnate (heaven forbid), and is treated the same way that you treat girls?

Erin said...

Well, sounds like she was a good sport about all of it. You probably got lucky with this one, actually.

I've decided I don't loathe you so much after all. Congrats on that.

Anonymous said...

really it just goes to show how lame you are
I'm pretty sure Marie would have responded much better to this...
" yeah I'm a Jack ass and a little bit of an emotional retard, I can't handle confrontation for the life of me so NOT ONLY have I been ignoring you BUT I decided to change my number while I was at it.."

You're such a pusssss...

-- Marie's advocate

Anonymous said...

Jacob 2:35

"Behold, ye have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites, our brethren. Ye have broken the hearts of your tender [girlfriends]... because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds."

Julie said...

I really hate German Pancakes. They are too thin and covered in all that powdered suger...GAG!

The fact that Marie sent you a Valentine Card and called you after not hearing from you for three weeks is just strange. Your rejection was completely blatant. However, I do agree that you need to grow a pair...good grief. If your not interested in a girl any longer just be honest.

Anonymous said...

so what will you do when you decide to turn off your cable or your cell phone or cancel your insurance... just stop paying the bill and hope it will go away?

at some point you have to grow up and learn to tell someone it's not working out anymore.

be a MAN!

Heather Lee said...

I feel that most of the girls that the two of you date desperately need to read "He's Just Not That Into You."

Shelby Lou said...

I always try to just back out of relationships i'm not interested in without saying anything.. but it never works. I feel guilty and need closure.

Maybe you could learn a lesson from all this instead of just "giving up" right on the spot. Not cool. Make an effort.

hater said...

I have to admit this post was interesting and actually made me laugh. Unlike the last couple that have been a bit boring.

I was laughing out loud at this: "I babbled through the most awkward and uncomfortable conversation that I'd ever had with anyone in my entire life."

There's no point in calling you any names because you and Jake seem to already know what you really are (even though you have no plans to change which is quite disturbing).

I hope someone will break your heart someday so you know how it feels and that will make you change.

Anonymous said...

yeah you're a douche...and sadly enough i know many other boys that are just like you. blah why must we deal with you balless men?

C$ said...

Girls need to get a clue (i.e. if he doesn't return your phone calls, he doesn't like you. Where did the common sense run off to?)

Boys need to be honest with girls.

And I need to go make german pancakes for lunch.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 9:33 --Please don't think that all "men" are like this. You will find yourself a great man who doesn't use you and then kick you to the curb like these boys claim to do. Calvin talks like he's a douche and so does Jake, but if I were a betting girl..I would put money on the fact that these guys are talking straight out their ass. The only girls flocking to them are the annoying one's on here that are constantly leaving stupid comments like, "you guys are awesome," or "Marie sounds like a psycho, she needs to get a clue," or "call me!" These guys are ALL TALK, NO WALK!

Lachele said...

FYI- I'm pretty sure I like reading peoples comments more than actual posts. Ha. Cal knows he's a douchebag, and has absolutely no desire to change that, and guess what? that's fine. He doesn't have too if he doesn't want too. Although most of us don't agree with the way Jake and Calvin go about doing MOST things, it's really not our place to tell him to "grow a pair" or "man up".

I'm pretty sure that the whole lying to her about the bishop thing may or may not go over well on the other side of the veil with Heavenly Father. I hope I'm there to watch that. xoxo

Lindsay said...

Truthfully, I don't even really think you're a jerk. To some extent, she should have gotten the hint after a few weeks of not talking. Especially if she was trying to call or text you and you weren't responding. If I were going out with a guy and he stopped calling or texting or communication at all, then common sense says "he's bored, he's over it" Done. End of story.

And thanks for linking to that letter. I was a late reader and missed that. It's fun to be able to catch up on old train-wrecks.

bd said...

Calvin- You act like such an idiot sometimes.

Lying to Marie just because you can't muster the courage to tell her the truth could have really messed with her. She probably thinks that your bishop was inspired to tell you to break up with her and therefore feels like the Lord thinks there's something wrong with her.

These kinds of things can really mess with a person's self esteem.

One day I hope you will realize that while it is scarier to tell people how you really feel, it is much easier in the end. That way you can still be around them at school/work/church without feeling like an asshat all the time.

Tara said...

I admit I didn't read this post. I haven't been reading this blog for awhile I guess you lost me with the calendars and t-shirts. But have ya'll need to read kriskave.blogspot.com. ASAP. HILARIOUS!

Tara said...

I admit I didn't read this post. I haven't been reading this blog for awhile I guess you lost me with the calendars and t-shirts. But have ya'll need to read kriskave.blogspot.com. ASAP. HILARIOUS!

Tara said...

I admit I didn't read this post. I haven't been reading this blog for awhile I guess you lost me with the calendars and t-shirts. But have ya'll need to read kriskave.blogspot.com. ASAP. HILARIOUS!

Kate Weber said...

Aw! Poor Marie. I do think she was a little extreme toward the end, but I do feel badly for her. I think she'll survive though.

I really hope that next time you break up with a girl you can do it with a little more truth a be a little more ballsy. Girls appreciate it. :)

Kristin Lee said...

Psh. Stalker. She's obviously horrible at taking subtle-not-so-subtle hints.

I can see why you go about breaking up like you do, I'd probably do the same thing.

Anonymous said...

That's because your a B Kristin Lee. Either that, or you're trying to impress this fictional Calvin and Jake. Either way, you're an idiot!

Autumn said...

She really should have gotten the point. I'm not going to lie about that. It was kinda of obvious you weren't interested. I do break ups like you too, so I can't exactly call you anything. Plus, you already know what you are, so you claim. Then I would just be wasting my breath. But, I can't really claim that she's a stalker either. I, personally, would never act like her. But, guys do make girls do crazy things. I'd kill my roommate if she handed me that phone without finding out who it was first. Jake, what were you thinking buddy? C'mon...

How's that for a "less hatred but still have a little bit of anger directed at you boys" comment? Did I do good? (wait, is that good english?)

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOSH!!!!! These "boys" are really a 54 yr old woman. Go to http://kriskave.blogspot.com Hahahahaha. I hope all you stupid ass girls feel even more dumber than you look! "Oh Calvin, marry me" "Jake, you're hot" "You guys are amazing and I think you're great." Bahahahahahahaha. You were flirting with a 54 yr old wife and mom. SO SO SO SO SO FUNNY!

Anonymous said...

anon 11:34 "i hope you feel even more dumber than you look"???

I hope you feel even more dumberer than you sound.

you really believe that you idiot?!

ouch said...

I feel so bad for Marie. Ya she should have taken a hint, but she clearly fell for you and thought you had something more than you did. I've been there, that hurts!

sam said...

wow it sounds like you and jake were sitting awfully close together on the couch. were you two spooning again?

S said...

You really need to learn how to break up with someone.
I don't hang around with girls often, but I know that I would want to know if a guy wasn't into me anymore, even if the signs are there. It's just closure.
Wow, I'm shocked I managed to get that out; I don't have much experience dating.

colleenroselle said...

Grow some. or stop dating. or maybe you should do both?

Anonymous said...

MBP is hilarious....whether fiction or non-fiction.

even less than you think! said...

I have a tiny, tiny bit of respect for you for not posting the actual card that she sent to you. Unlike Jake, who would have done it anyways because he is starving for comments, good or bad.

Anonymous said...

I am laughing so hard right now at Anon 11:53. Honestly, she sounds like she's about to cut Anon 11:34 for crushing her dreams. So dumb. These guys are probably fiction. I don't know about the 54 year old woman, but I doubt they are real. I seriously only read this for the hilarious comments defending these guys. Do you girls wonder why you're single? So foolish.

11:53 said...

actually I'm not about to cut anon 11:34 for crushing my dreams. I am one of the biggest haters of this blog and have said numerous times that there are multiple reasons to believe it is fake. but believing some made up garbage about it being a 54 year old woman with no proof or anything but a link to a blog with a bunch of other fake links is just stupid. Not to mention trying to put down all the girls on here by telling them they are dumb with a sentence that proves they are the dumb one.

~*~Katie Jo~*~ said...

Yes, you do need to grow a pair.

However, I found your fake excuse to be hilarious. And maybe, just maybe, she believed you and her feelings were spared. Maybe.

Brenn said...

Douchebaggery - bahaha, i love it! It is my opinion that most girls aren't stalkers, they just give too many chances, so they will keep coming back until you have made it really clear you don't want any more chances. I think it's funny that Marie called Jake's phone looking for you, but if she's only done it once, I wouldn't call that overly stalkerish.

I've read it all.... said...

When things like this jerkyness happen, I just think back to one of your first posts. The one where "legs" totally dissed you for your ugly soon to be engaged roomie Bryson(was that his name??). All because he had a huge truck. I mean THAT is super harsh. I think you might be punishing other girls because of this. Also, alot of crap(people say hurtful things to trying to bring down the breaker upper) comes out in break-ups and if you have not spent more that 200 hours with her.....never mind. that is all.

Amy said...

I have to say I totally agree with the peeps who are pointing out it depends on how long you have been dating them. Sorry I didn't consider that in my first comment.

Also, after discussing this with the hubs. (yes, we talk and laugh about this blog together, but he won't admit he enjoys it.) We agreed that this is why it is better to not get too physical too soon. Much easier on the psyche of both parties. :)

Belo Prado said...

This makes me sad, for you and Marie. Though at the same time I'd hope you'd feel bad (not to sound like a jerk) it just means you are not a completely emotionless a-hole. I can understand why you lied to her though, I had to do something like that with a guy in my class. So girls, cut him some slack on that... this post is getting too long

Waiting in the Wilderness said...

Hon when you do meet the woman you are going to marry, you are not suddenly going to turn into someone worth being with. That takes time and practice.

The way you treat girls now is a reflection of how you will treat your wife a few years down the road when the infatuation/love wears off. You have to develop that part of yourself now. Like however that saying goes: "he who can be trusted with little, can be trusted with much."

Anonymous said...

Calvin, everyone wants you to tell the truth...would that really have been better? "Uh...Marie I've been ignoring you because I don't want to talk to you."

As for a previous comment about what you would do if your future daughter was treated this way...obviously you'd tell her to move on and that douche bag boys are a waste of time and clearly don't care about her.

Also I'm concerned that Marie still thought everything was pretty okay until this conversation...can anyone say delusional? You were being distant long before you started ignoring her, right?

Anonymous said...

i can't decide if i love you guys or hate you. its cool that your so honest, but an anonymous blog allows you to be really honest. clearly your not this honest in real life or you would just tell a girl your no longer interested. i don't want to be counted among the haters, but i just can't decide, you are a bit of a jerk but its interesting none the less

Anonymous said...

Reading the comments always makes me laugh, then pissed, then laughing again. Some people are so funny, some are plain dumb(er-er-er). But I gotta' say 'waiting in the wilderness' post was amazing. So so true.
Also, I had a guy "break up" with me the way you do once, and it's actually really humiliating to be putting yourself out there over and over for somebody who (you thought) liked you, and then suddenly realizing that the whole time he was thinking of you as a nusance. Then when you look back on all the times you called him, you just feel embarassed.
Save them the suffering. It's kinder. Really.
And whenever I read a post when you mention the way you do this, it makes me mad at that guy all over again. It's been 8 years. I still want the closure I never had.
-Emily

Anonymous said...

Aw, at least she ended it nicely with a card. I know there's some crazy girls that would totally bash guys in public.

Next time at least try to do it in person. ?

Anonymous said...

One of the most fun things about relationships is the break ups. The drama around them, the way you see that someone loved you so much and is crying. You should really relish the break up as much as you do the relationship.

Drama can be fun fun fun.

The sexy godess of ogden. said...

So i guess i should warn you that i might be calling you randomly. And if you tell me that your bishop said we should stop dating, I'm probably going to hunt you down, take you someplace in the middle of now where, tie you to a tree, and tell you to take it back, or I'm leaving you to whatever lives out there. I hope we can be lovers "Calvin".

Autumn said...

Whoa. How can so many people hate this post? It's not even that rude.

Bonnie said...

this post was boring.

Waiting On a Missionary said...

bahahaha to be honest you sound exactly like the kind of person i am when it comes to dating...

-briget

Jade said...

Calvin, very nice post, I liked it alot! I don't think it's nessesarily a bad thing that you didn't tell her the truth... to me she seems like the kind of girl that if you would have told her the truth she'd try and try and try to do whatever it took to keep you around, even if she was super annoying.... so I think your little story about going to the bishop for your birthday interview and the "supposid" counsel he gave you was a nice recovery story, just because she can't really argue with that. Anyways, I liked the post, I don't think your a douchebag.... I usually break up with guys the same way, but it doesn't work out to well, cuz they keep trying and trying, so then when I tell them the real reason they end up crying....oh well, maybe I'll have to try your little bishop story next time and see how that one works out for me, thanks for the idea.

Carmen San Diego said...

I'm not sure if you're gonna let this comment through, but I'm gonna try.

We're getting closer, day by day to finding you.

Good luck staying anonymous boys.

www.exposeMBP.blogspot.com

Eliza said...

Wife of KrisKave here, just fyi for all you girls freaking out over my husband's OBVIOUSLY fake post about the authors of MBP- it was a joke meant for ME. Someone just happened to post a link here and the fact that ANYONE thought for a minute that it could be real has some issues. Lighten up people!

Eliza said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heather Guymon said...

Dude it's easy for us to all sit here and tell you to "grow a pair" or whatever but it's hard. I have never been good at just throwing things out there when backed into a corner so yeah, I get it totally. I don't condone the action at all, but I can't judge because I am usually one to just run and hide without confronting the person.

Hell I didn't even dear John "my" missionary when I met my husband and got engaged. I just kinda dropped off the face of the planet. I suck lol.

Lula! said...

Marie is a stupid name. Yeah, I said that.



This is what I say about MPB:

Best group of LDS fellas in the world. Wish they had their own sitcom. Wish I could see Lance drop it like it's hot in a shiny shirt, too, but that's neither here nor there.

Anonymous said...

You do suck Heather. Have you fed your kid yet?

karlielsa said...

Just tell the girl you don't like her, it's that easy. It saves her from looking like an ass. She did take it a tad too far, finding you through Jake, weird. I would feel like an idiot if I was Marie, if you don't hear from a guy for three weeks...take a hint. But then again, if it was me I would be so mad I would want to find you just to get mad at you. I guess it's a lose lose situation.

Anonymous said...

something is wrong with your poll. I can't read the options or vote because it is completely blank under the question.

Crystal said...

I just realized I never comment on this here post. Wow...that sounded really country.

Anyway, I suppose I'll just say...."OH I LOVE YOU CALVIN AND I KNOW YOU'LL MARRY ME ONE DAY!!" since anytime someone agrees with you that is what they are REALLY saying.

Right.

Little Black Rain Cloud said...

Heather Guyman: You didn't dear john your missionary? wow that's really low. I hope you felt like an ass.

Anonymous said...

I think it's sexy how you guys try to stay anonymous... ;)

The Matlocks said...
This comment has been removed by the author.