Friday, February 5, 2010

In Lust

We get a lot of crap on this blog for being superficial and caring only about looks. I feel that I could make a pretty strong case for how that perception is false, and, give numerous actual examples. I truly do think if I had the chance to chat with any one of our accusers that I could sway them to look past the surface of this blog and see its depth and wisdom.

Instead I am going to make this perception worse with this post. Last weekend I went to the Slightly Stoopid concert up at Harry O's in Park City. It was a great show. Nice long set, good crowd, great mosh pit at appropriate times, a very good show. I have never been to a concert at Harry O's before this. Harry O's has Go-Go dancers. I didn't even know that Go-Go dancers were a real thing.

Go-Go dancer (gō′gō′ däns'er)
-a dancer, often semi-nude, performing erotic movements to rock music, usually on the bar, tables, or stage of a club or pub.

Sure, I saw Coyote Ugly, but the real chicks in this club put those PG-13 Go-Go's in Coyote to shame. I found myself mesmerized. For hours they danced. They do it for tips, I guess. I'm sure Harry O's employs them to a degree. They are not strippers. No my friends, they are Go-Go dancers.

There were 4 or 5 of them. I noticed that most of them were brown-skinned beauties. Which was very exciting for me, because I like the dark meat. I got flattened in the mosh pit, and after my fellow moshers yanked me up off the floor, I figured I needed a little air. I lifted my sweaty head and looked back and there I saw her. The Go-Go of my dreams. She was white and the beautiful brownies paled in comparison to her, the palest of them all.

I sort of had one of those slow motion events where she moved at regular speed and everything else around her, including me, moved in slow motion. This effect finally ended when a drop of sweat slowly dropped through my line of vision.

She was beautiful.

I stared for a while. I didn't dare get too close, because I don't know what Go-Go dancer etiquette is. I mean, if she smiles at me do I have to give her a dollar? I just stood there and watched her. I wondered if what I was doing was creepy, but I glanced around and noticed that lots of people were staring at her. Forget the rock stars (well Punk turned Reggae stars) on the stage... the Go-Go's owned the attention of the club. As she moved to the rhythm of the song Collie Man up on that bar, her presence was unbelievably commanding.

She had long blond hair. It looked like she had extensions, though I'm no hair expert. She was dressed in pretty much a strapless or string bikini. She had fake boobs and on her stomach she had two unrecognizable tattoos. Also there were like a constellation of piercings with little diamonds in them in her stomach (I had never seen that before). The piercings and tattoos added to the artwork that was her mid-section. I stared and thought, "This is what words like 'sexy' were invented for."

I actually had to do a fast head shake to rip my attention away from her. I went back to the show, but at least once every minute or so I would glance back to find her.

I have seen beautiful women before. Even scantily clad ones. I marveled at the seeming superior power this one seemed to have over the other beautiful women before her. Maybe it was the dancing... her milkshake, was definitely the type that brings all the boys to the yard... me included.

I went back to the bar to get water and heard someone call her "Jamie". I caught myself once looking at her and making an effort to only look at her face. With the foolish idea that perhaps she would notice and think to herself, "There's a guy who isn't looking only at my body, he must be different, he must be interested in me. I should date him, adopt his belief system, marry him, make some babies with him, grow old and learn to play golf with him so we stay fit and healthy in our old age." (or something like that)

She got on stage and grinded with the lead singer, Miles, for a while, and I actually felt a little jealous. Jealous of the rock star, pfff! The show ended, and I went home. I was never even closer than 10 feet to her. She didn't even know that I existed.

It has been a whole week and I have had Jamie the Go-Go dancer on my mind ever since. It is driving me a little crazy. Logic kicks in every once in a while. Thoughts like, she isn't even Mormon. She is so far out of my league. She's probably 25 and only dates 40 year olds with Maserati's. Mostly though I suspend the reality of it and daydream about us getting together. Jake and Jamie has a nice ring to it don't ya think?

My daydreams are not as pornographic as you would imagine either. In fact they mostly involve her joining the Church as a result of our young love. In my mind that same smile she blasted out over the dancing horde at Harry O's is on her face as she comes up out of the water at her baptism. And, I don't imagine her mostly naked like she was, no she's wearing hoodies and has her hair in a ponytail and is riding on the back of my motorcycle holding onto me tighter than she really needs too. Listen to me... AAAARRRRGGGGG!

Seriously, it's like I am in middle school again. I don't get it. I think all sorts of girly thoughts, things like the conversations we could have, and the walks we could go on, and the books we could read together. (okay, forget the books thing, I never read. Replace that with "movies") I think about how amazed she would be at what a great guy I am, how different I am from all the other men vying for her attention, and how I love her no matter what. Even though... there is probably no truth to any of those statements. I told Calvin about my mental struggle. He just laughed, but admits, he's been here, too.

What is it that a look, one single look at a woman can drive me so uncharacteristically insane? Is it lust? I am not thinking about all the dirty things we could do if we were porn stars. No, I am actually smitten, fantasizing about our future together. I am in deep smit. I don't think we would have anything in common. Our friends wouldn't get along. Even if a chance was offered it wouldn't work out, we are from two completely different worlds, right? Maybe that's part of the attraction? The fact that she is so different from me. Maybe. Yet regardless of all that reality, I still can't get her off my mind.

She isn't even real, really. There will never be an "us". Yet here I sit, tortured... powerless against her spell. Her sexy sexy dripping-in-sex-appeal spell.

The worst part is, I am sitting here writing this post thinking about how stupid this all sounds, and yet, I am thinking about talking Lance into going up there tonight to chance meeting her again. Conniving little plots and schemes that can put me in a position to get to know her at least.

(sigh) It's so pathetic, I'm even embarrassed my mom is going to read this. I can already hear her, "Jake, get a clue."

Jake

60 comments:

Kristin Lee said...

I think it's cute that you have those feelings for her, someone you've never met before. I'd bet that everyone goes through this at least once in their lives. Could be that she's so different from you, or it could be that she's just so amazingly beautiful that you'd like to imagine a life with her in it as "yours".

Did Calvin proofread this? It doesn't seem like it.

christina said...

umm this is my favorite post by you ever.

Megan said...

Your mom is going to read this? What?!

I like the part about imagining her in a hoodie with a ponytail. Very cute.

Kate Weber said...

Okay, I officially have a new favorite phrase. "I am in deep smit." So amazing! It's so perfect!

I think it's cute...I don't think her profession is cute though I'm sure she's probably a great person; but I think it's cute that you are so obsessed. Haha, I just realized that you are probably feeling about her how most of the readers of this blog feel about Calvin and yourself.

I wish you luck Jake. Seemingly hopeless crushes are the worst.

Sam Hale said...

You're adorable. New to the blog, but I'm working on catching up. Loving it all so far.

Single LDS Chick(s) said...

AAW Jake! That is the sweetest blog post. A Crush...or deep smit XD on a Go-Go Dancer! I say you go and find her!
~Jess

Boy when you reach high you certainly reach. Good luck getting her sex drenched self outta your head...ever!
~Becky

I got a rockin bod and go-go moves! Dude go and stalk her a bit haha. Don't forget your ones!
~Nikki

Daisy said...

HAHA! Those girls rock!! They're really nice too! And she is beautiful - I can understand why you have a crush on her. If you want her myspace page I can forward the link :)

Nikki said...

I have life distractions like that all the time. They eventually subside and it's back to life and the reality grind. Enjoy it. Most people pop pills for their numbing agents. Fantasies cure what ails you and living out their highs in our minds keeps the adrenaline flowing. Just try not to use your body like its an amusement park too much...you'll get hairy palms. :)N

Autumn said...

I can't decide if this post is cute, or kinda awkward. I guess if that's what's REALLY going through you're head, then I applaud you. BUT, Why were you at a club with GoGo dancers? Oh wait. You didn't know. I forgive you then. :] Good luck Jake. I'm rooting for you.

Anonymous said...

Here you go buddy! ;)
http://partyutah.com/utah/v/SLCP/Rage+Photography/SundanceDay9/Rage+Rage_stoopid+_678_.jpg.html

Anonymous said...

http://partyutah.com/utah/v/SLCP/Rage+Photography/SundanceDay9/Rage+Rage_stoopid+_135_.jpg.html

Maybe a close-up?

Ash said...

I've had a few fantasies like this... except about men, with long dark hair, several days worth of facial scruff and tattoos all over...

mmmmmmm

Anyway, I personally hate it when this happens because what ever life you've dreamed up with this one person can never exist. It's a really sad realization to come to, especially since our imaginations are so good at making things seem real.

Good luck dude. I'm sure you'll find another hot chick to wrap your mind around in no time.

Erika said...

Jake. Jacob?

nope, definitely Jake.

lets be friends.

Anonymous said...

Isn't there a song called "I'm in love with a stripper"? Sounds like your theme song here. You and TPain can form a support group. Best of luck

Anonymous said...

My favorite part was when you talked about how your daydreams include her joining the church....I think it was right after you described her fake boobs and tats. Are you kidding me? Maybe I am being ridiculous...I mean, your awesome example alone would have her jumping into the baptism font. This blog is so fake. There is no way a normal, stable mother would support her son in such ramblings. I mean, what regular loving "Utah" mom would encourage her son to participate in the slamming of women on a regular basis? It's sad that you think of dating as a meat market. I mean, you said it yourself...you like the dark meat. However, it is more sad that after all this ridiculous writing, you go home alone, go to sleep alone and hopefully will die alone too. hahahaha SAD!

Crystal said...

Cuteness. This whole thing reminds me of how I used to feel about rock stars. One in particular but I wont mention his name because none of you will know who he is because I'm 26 and OLD compared to all of you. (longest run-on sentence ever.) Anyway, I understand how you feel and I think it's cute. It'll lessen as time goes by though. So don't worry.

Bad Horse said...

I looked at the two pictures the other anonymous posted.

I do not honestly think she was that sexy. She is attractive, but I think you are strange for being entranced by her.

But, every guy has his fetish. I guess barely attractive scantily clad women are yours.

Heather Lee said...

Is that her in those pictures? Because I'm not seeing any tats.

I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that I also create fantasies about complete strangers. It completely ruins it when you actually get to know the person though.

PS Please have Calvin proofread this. =)

B R I T N E Y said...

Your mother reads this blog????? You must have a ridiculously laid-back mom of which I definitely don't have. Points for that...

The Lady Girl said...

Jake, first off, I don't think I will ever see depth and wisdom from this blog, nice try haha, But this post was entirely entertaining! As mesmerized as you were with Jamie the Go-Go Dancer, you almost make her sound like a vampire. I really do think your thoughts sound like a similar fantasy I had about Josh Hartnett when I was 14 years old. To be honest and Mormonish, I'm pretty sure the devil was calling your name that night, Jamie reaked of lust. Time to grip reality, friend.

The Lady Girl said...

p.S. I'm sure you and every other guy there felt the same way. How does that feel?

Drake said...

Not really seeing it. I guess being mostly naked and dancing in the same room with you must add points to her apparent LOS score..

Alexandra said...

Yeah, hon, that's lust. Haha.

Anonymous said...

Haha... I'm a girl and I watch them the same way you did! Some of them can dance and some just look dumb... I had the honor of watching one do a dance off in the crowd with some Guy, it was phenomenal... good luck in your endeavours buddy!

Elizabeth Downie said...

I think it's pretty funny how so many commenters think it's so cute and sweet that you were lusting after a go-go dancer. (I sort of found it sweet myself, which disturbs me.) Shows how little we've seen any tender emotions from you for a real girl (ie, a girl you know). Now that we actually see it, people seem to find it refreshing in a weird way.

I'm not judging! I'm just saying.

Anonymous said...

Either this: http://www.partyutah.com/utah/v/SLCP/Rage+Photography/SundanceDay9/Rage+Rage_stoopid+_135_.jpg.html
isn't her or Jake has a really bad memory because those boobs definitely could be real, she has no tattoos on her stomach, and that is not a strapless bikini.

She is gorgeous though.

bd said...

Jake- I'm going to tell you why you shouldn't be fantasizing over this kind of stuff.

Psychologically it does something to you. Whether or not you actually masturbate with the thought of her 'milkshake' in your mind or if you just have wet dreams about her, it effects you. Now maybe you're not like me, and these types of images don't get to you in that way, but I submit that for you and most other chaste 20 something year olds they do.

Remember in the mission when you would have wet dreams, but they would just be about friction [ie., your penis rubbing on the bed or something]? You'd wake up and think oh great, this means I just lost 10 mins. of precious sleep, then you'd role over and go back to bed. No guilt involved. Now, think of the wet dream you likely had with this go-go dancer in it. I imagine when you woke up you felt guilty, like you had done something horrible, right?

One day (believe it or not) you will be married. You will want your sex life with your spouse to be wonderful and HEALTHY. It will be very difficult if all you can think about while making love to your wife are erotic thoughts of go-go dancers and fake boobs and tattoos and strapless bikinis. But that will be the case because physiologically your mind is linking orgasm to bad things.

I feel that this is the danger of both masturbation and entertaining erotic sex thoughts and images in your mind. Now, I'm not saying that there should be guilt associated with having a wet dream about a girl you like. What I am saying is that the more graphic your thoughts about her are while you are awake, the more graphic the dream is going to be and the harder it will be to get those images out of your mind when making love to the woman you will love more than fake boobs and any other lusty thing out there.

This is why, as a man, I plead with all you girls out there to please not try and get guys horny all the time with the way you look or move or dance, etc. It really messes with our minds much more than you probably realize.

Rissy said...

I sent in an online application to be a go-go dancer when I was in college. Yes, I am happy I didn't do it. I don't think I would have been able to tell my parents. My boyfriend at the time was actually in support of it....

Go-go dancers are there so that you will lust over them. I don't blame you.

Oh, and I warned you about getting "moshed" at the slightly stoopid concert.

Anonymous said...

Bahahahahaha BD. I love you. Not in a lusty weird way, but I still love you for having the balls to put it out there like it is! And ew Jake, EWWWWWWWWWWW!

Rissy said...

just found who I assume is Jamie on "Napkin Nights" she's muy caliente Jake! good choice!

Alexandria said...

This is adorable. Hey it doesn't hurt to fantasize...at least not in my opinion!

Haylee Abney said...

Bahaha. this is equivalent to me seeing a really hot guy at EFY and i can't stop thinking about him the whole time i'm there and even when i get home. minus the piercings and tatoos and erotic dancing, of course. But still, i know how you feel!!

Katie said...

This is so cute Jake! My opinion of you totally sky-rocketed. It's nice to know that guys act like this at times. You never know, maybe you'll run into her ;-) Seriously, probably my favorite post from you. Maybe I do like you more than Calvin now... haha

S said...

I hate being in deep smit, it's frustrating. Especially since I'm the most awkward and biggest chicken ever.
I agree Jake and Jamie sounds good together :)

Anonymous said...

HA! This is ridiculous! You talk about how you're lusting after this go go dancer because she's sexy - nothing to do with her personality, spirit, or who she is at all - and girls still swoon at how cute and sweet you are! Like I said, ridiculous! You could probably kill someone and girls would find it adorable and strangely sexy. Congratulations.

Karina said...

Bahahah this is the cutest thing ever!

Anonymous said...

hahaha "scary hoes" as the yocals call it.

Shelby Lou said...

you are freaking AMAZING. No lie...

annettechapman said...

I have no idea why girls would think this is cute! This is what goes on in the mind of all boys, LDS or not. Sure-its funny and typical. But not cute. Even from a non LDS stand point it sounds pretty skanky.

bd made some excellent points. Sweetie all you're going to do is make it more difficult to find joy and satisfaction with a good, Mormon girl. That is, unless you luck out like my man did, and snatch up a convert

missamierose said...

I think its super cute and the girl your talking about is actually ME!! :} This blog actually made my day and my bestie thinks its great too! Thanks Jake :}
ps my name is Amie

Lacey said...

So some of BD's points are correct, but I do not agree that just because you fantasize about hot chicks with boob jobs, which that blonde had, means you're going to only want hot chicks with boob jobs and it's going to ruin your sexual life with your future spouse who will be all holy and pure.

Most of us are not holy and pure and most of us have deviating sexual thoughts. We are human, it's what makes us want to procreate.

Have them and move on with your life.

We're taught that we can only have sexual thoughts about our spouse and any other thoughts are bad, which Biblically they are but that does not mean they're easily stopped.

We are made to think about procreating and sometimes we find other people sexy.

Just because I got married does not mean I only think my husband is sexually attractive, but we're honest with one another and we move on. I'm not going to have sex with every man I find attractive, only with my husband, and he's not going to have sex with every woman he finds attractive, just me. Even though we find other people sexually attractive, I don't find myself thinking about them when I'm with my husband, but I think that's because I let those guilty feelings go, because we are sexual beings, and it's natural to have sexual thoughts.

We have them and move on.

Let the boy be in lust, it's normal, a little creepy with who he is in lust with, but normal.

Anonymous said...

Ewwwwwwww. Move on, loveboat.

Anonymous said...

Hey did you hear they're getting rid of the IDM and combining with Scotland in July?? SAD :(

Jen said...

What little misogynist entertainment value this blog had has disappeared. Now it's just misogynist.

Jake (the fake) said...

... and then someday when we have no money because I can't keep a job and never finished my education she could always go go dance on the side to earn extra cash to pay for our 10 kids and our trailer.

Anonymous said...

I am so disturbed that your Mom reads this blog and you still say the things you do.

Anonymous said...

Quit whining about the fact that people perceive you as superficial and concerned with only looks. That is all you talk about so why would we think any differently?

Girl101 said...

Jake. Strap on a pair. Man up.

Lady Libertine said...

wow...

Sarah said...

Congrats on now making girls who feel insecure about themselves, well, feel even more so. AWESOME. Not. I vomited in my mouth a little when i read this blog.

Marci Darling said...

Bahahaha, your mom.

Seriously though, I may actually like you now Jake. This post was sweet in a creepy, weird, way.

Claire said...

This post made me want to puke. Seriously.

The worst part isn't even how completely misogynist and revolting you are, but that most of the women on here are eating it up. You unabashedly call women "meat" and they love you for it!

The way you talk and think about women is so not ok.

Autumn said...

I think you're slowly but surely losing MG support here Jake. Sorry dude.

Anonymous said...

one word for you. LOSER

Amy said...

I love what Lacey said. Yes, we are going to find other people attractive, but just be honest with your spouse, don't dwell on it and keep having healthy sex life with your spouse.
Jake, I am glad your fantasies aren't too graphic, this saves you in MY book. :) Good luck and stay safe.

Anonymous said...

everyone's experienced someone they want but can't have.

Katie BQ said...

Gross. I used to read this blog now and then when I was bored. This is my first time checking it in months, and wow it's really gone down hill. These first two posts I've read are really offensive. I'm embarrassed that you "guys" hold yourselves out to be members of the church. This blog disgusts me and I won't bother to read it anymore.

Anonymous said...

On one hand I'm totally disgusted by the Mormon male's mentality of 'I can take a Britney Spears type and convert her' rather than being attracted to wholesome women for actually being wholesome. If all Mormon guys thought this way, then why should we Mormon women try to be wholesome? It's not the easy way to live, and the guys aren't attracted to it anyway?

On the other hand, I really appreciate your honesty, and everyone, EVERYone, goes through times when they're attracted to things and people that aren't all that holy.

Also, repentance and forgiveness is real. And maybe this kind of girl is a good type for you. It even says in the scriptures that like is attracted to like, meaning that you are attracted to people that you are similar to (D&C 88). You seem to have an affinity for lewdness, and so you guys could be very equally yoked, and then could lift yourselves and each other to higher heights together. And you'd spare a nice Mormon girl, who has progressed a little further, the agony of waiting for you to catch up to her. Isn't that why you broke up with Andrea?

There was a guy in my old town that married an ex-stripper, and they were married in the temple. I think they were very well suited for each other, and seem very happy now. Good luck! Go for her. See where it takes you. See if you can give in a relationship, instead of just taking, for a change. See if she is interested in giving back. Feel flattered that I'm saying all this as if you could, yes, actually "get" this girl. :) Just some thoughts...

P.S. Kudos to you that your mom reads this blog, if you weren't kidding.

Anonymous said...

People actually think your little lust crush to some big busted, skanky blonde is cute?? What the hell is wrong with these girls?? You sound like an ass who wants a piece...

Brooke said...

You like the "dark meat," huh? Well, not too many of the girls who are worth dating of any race like guys who make racially inappropriate and completely sexist comments. I hope your mom does tell you to get a clue. Someone needs to.