A girl asked me once if I had any "deal breakers" when it comes to women. I think most people consider a "deal breaker" to be a quality, attribute, characteristic, etc. that is completely insurmountable in courtship. However, I don't think anything is completely insurmountable in a relationship. So I'm going to ease up a little bit and define a "deal breaker" as a quality, attribute, characteristic, etc that provides a significant obstacle in my ultimate discovery of eternal-companionship likeliness. I think it's probably safe to say if a girl has three or more of these, then the "deal" can be officially "broken". This list is not all-inclusive and I reserve the right to add to this list at my own discretion.
Here is my "deal breaker" list in no particular order:
1. Draws Flowers, Butterflies, Fairies, or Tribal Designs on Hands
This means she's either 13 years old or she's an "artistic" type of woman. I've heard bad things about "artistic" people. Like they have a tendency to be EMO, Gothic, or lesbian... and two of those three things are bad.
2. Professionally Done Fingernails
I think this means she's not gonna want to change diapers cause she doesn't want poop under her nails. It probably also means she doesn't know how to play an instrument. She's also used to being pampered since getting nails done is expensive and has to be done fairly often, if I'm not mistaken. I don't want to marry a spoiled, selfish, lazy woman who gouges me on accident when she's trying to comb my hair.
3. Loves Country Music
It's cool if she likes one or two songs cause I think we all know The Gambler is one of the most bitchin' songs in the universe. But if she digs country music... a lot... then we're just gonna be fighting over station preset #4 and #5 all the time. Worst case scenario is that she'll convert me to country music and then I won't be able to make fun of it anymore... and I'll have to buy boots and sheep.
4. Likes Sports More Than Me
I'm not that into sports, but I do enjoy watching the occasional game of football or soccer. The few times I've watched a sporting event with a girl, I've relished the opportunity of rolling my eyes at her uneducated questions about the game. It's something I love to do. But if she knew more than me, then I'd be the recipient of the eye roll and that would just plain hurt my feelings.
5. Has Career Goals Other Than Being a Mother
I think it's great that there are women out there who are in law school or trying to get their Masters Degree in something. Great. Awesome for you. But as far as my eternal companion goes, if you're in school right now, it had better be because you are trying to keep yourself busy while you're waiting for me to find you and propose. I hope you plan on leaving all of your career goals behind while you raise our children. I expect you to care for our children. Not your parents or a daycare. Period.
6. Hates Kids or Doesn't Want Them
Why don't you finish law school, find yourself a lesbian lover and make piles of dosh while complaining about overpopulation and global warming you selfish bitch.
7. Loves to Go Dancing and/or Clubbing
If you're the type of person who likes to mingle with drunk guys while letting them gyrate against you on the dance floor, then maybe you should be a stripper and not my wife.
8. Rich Parents
I need to be a man. I doubt I'll be rich at any point in my life and if your parents are rich then I'll feel inferior for the remainder of my mortal existence. I'm not down with that. If your parents are rich, then you'll probably expect me to provide you with similar luxuries that your parents worked 40 years to attain. When you realize I can't afford to pamper you, then you'll run back to your parents for a loan or some other sort of financial assistance. While you're complaining to them, why don't you just take your stuff with you and move back into your old Raggedy Ann themed bedroom.
(I've just realized how bitter this post is getting. Oh well, I'm gonna keep going.)
9. Too Much Make-up
I'd prefer you to be naturally beautiful, but I also understand that a little bit of makeup can accentuate your beauty, so I'm cool with a little bit of makeup. But if I can see a line under your jaw bone where your "base" stops and your actual flesh color begins, then that's a deal breaker for me. On that same note, if you're in the passenger seat and I'm in the driver seat and I can feel your 3 foot eyelashes tickling my cheek whenever you look toward me, then I'll just drop you off right there.
This is only a "deal breaker" when it comes to my eternal companion. I've heard a lot of people say stuff like "It's like kissing an ashtray" but I doubt that's really true. I've never smoked and I've never kissed a smoker (that I know of), but I hope to be able to kiss a smoker before I get married. I get kind of excited at the thought of pinning a girl against a wall and making out with her while her burning cigarette is still in her hand. Hmmmmmm... nice. But then she'll have to quit, confess to the bishop, sincerely repent, get baptized, wait a year, and then come to the temple with me.
That's all I can think of right now, but this may end up being a "Deal Breaker Part 1" at some point cause I think I'm gonna have a lot more.