A girl asked me once if I had any "deal breakers" when it comes to women. I think most people consider a "deal breaker" to be a quality, attribute, characteristic, etc. that is completely insurmountable in courtship. However, I don't think anything is completely insurmountable in a relationship. So I'm going to ease up a little bit and define a "deal breaker" as a quality, attribute, characteristic, etc that provides a significant obstacle in my ultimate discovery of eternal-companionship likeliness. I think it's probably safe to say if a girl has three or more of these, then the "deal" can be officially "broken". This list is not all-inclusive and I reserve the right to add to this list at my own discretion.Here is my "deal breaker" list in no particular order:
1. Draws Flowers, Butterflies, Fairies, or Tribal Designs on Hands
This means she's either 13 years old or she's an "artistic" type of woman. I've heard bad things about "artistic" people. Like they have a tendency to be EMO, Gothic, or lesbian... and two of those three things are bad.
2. Professionally Done Fingernails
I think this means she's not gonna want to change diapers cause she doesn't want poop under her nails. It probably also means she doesn't know how to play an instrument. She's also used to being pampered since getting nails done is expensive and has to be done fairly often, if I'm not mistaken. I don't want to marry a spoiled, selfish, lazy woman who gouges me on accident when she's trying to comb my hair.
3. Loves Country Music
It's cool if she likes one or two songs cause I think we all know The Gambler is one of the most bitchin' songs in the universe. But if she digs country music... a lot... then we're just gonna be fighting over station preset #4 and #5 all the time. Worst case scenario is that she'll convert me to country music and then I won't be able to make fun of it anymore... and I'll have to buy boots and sheep.
4. Likes Sports More Than Me
I'm not that into sports, but I do enjoy watching the occasional game of football or soccer. The few times I've watched a sporting event with a girl, I've relished the opportunity of rolling my eyes at her uneducated questions about the game. It's something I love to do. But if she knew more than me, then I'd be the recipient of the eye roll and that would just plain hurt my feelings.
5. Has Career Goals Other Than Being a Mother
I think it's great that there are women out there who are in law school or trying to get their Masters Degree in something. Great. Awesome for you. But as far as my eternal companion goes, if you're in school right now, it had better be because you are trying to keep yourself busy while you're waiting for me to find you and propose. I hope you plan on leaving all of your career goals behind while you raise our children. I expect you to care for our children. Not your parents or a daycare. Period.
6. Hates Kids or Doesn't Want Them
Why don't you finish law school, find yourself a lesbian lover and make piles of dosh while complaining about overpopulation and global warming you selfish bitch.
7. Loves to Go Dancing and/or Clubbing
If you're the type of person who likes to mingle with drunk guys while letting them gyrate against you on the dance floor, then maybe you should be a stripper and not my wife.
8. Rich Parents
I need to be a man. I doubt I'll be rich at any point in my life and if your parents are rich then I'll feel inferior for the remainder of my mortal existence. I'm not down with that. If your parents are rich, then you'll probably expect me to provide you with similar luxuries that your parents worked 40 years to attain. When you realize I can't afford to pamper you, then you'll run back to your parents for a loan or some other sort of financial assistance. While you're complaining to them, why don't you just take your stuff with you and move back into your old Raggedy Ann themed bedroom.
(I've just realized how bitter this post is getting. Oh well, I'm gonna keep going.)
9. Too Much Make-up
I'd prefer you to be naturally beautiful, but I also understand that a little bit of makeup can accentuate your beauty, so I'm cool with a little bit of makeup. But if I can see a line under your jaw bone where your "base" stops and your actual flesh color begins, then that's a deal breaker for me. On that same note, if you're in the passenger seat and I'm in the driver seat and I can feel your 3 foot eyelashes tickling my cheek whenever you look toward me, then I'll just drop you off right there.
10. Smoker
This is only a "deal breaker" when it comes to my eternal companion. I've heard a lot of people say stuff like "It's like kissing an ashtray" but I doubt that's really true. I've never smoked and I've never kissed a smoker (that I know of), but I hope to be able to kiss a smoker before I get married. I get kind of excited at the thought of pinning a girl against a wall and making out with her while her burning cigarette is still in her hand. Hmmmmmm... nice. But then she'll have to quit, confess to the bishop, sincerely repent, get baptized, wait a year, and then come to the temple with me.
That's all I can think of right now, but this may end up being a "Deal Breaker Part 1" at some point cause I think I'm gonna have a lot more.
Calvin
224 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 201 – 224 of 224I am trying to decide if I should defend stay at home moms. I know some of the comments have acknowledged that it is a personal choice, but others make it sound like it's a stupid choice or there will inevitably be marital cheating. The latter two are false. So I guess I am defending.
You all do what you want as women, but I promise you that real and true joy can be found, in both partners, in a more traditional family life. Yes, it's hard, but completely worth it. I won't go into how smart I am, (but I am really smart. ahem) ;-) and I continue to learn new things everyday. ;) and that is all the defending I will do. I was just sick of all the negative satm comments because we rule too. the end.
P.S. love you ALL. you crack me up
WOW. PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A MORMON. I must say that the author should spend more time studying the gospel and what our prophets have said, and less time spreading the black goo that is ignorance and misogynistic tendencies in this sad little blog.
GORDON B. HINCKLEY encouraged everyone, including women, to be EDUCATED. He wanted (and other prophets wanted) the women who raise the next generation to be educated, intelligent beings who are encouraged to reach their full potential, because THEY ARE THE ONES WHO SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH THE CHILD - THEY SHOULD HAVE AN EDUCATED MIND. Plus, it's for their own *salvation* and *understanding* and *growth*.
COLLEGE IS NOT JUST FOR MEN -- LOOK IT UP IN THE lds.org search engine for articles.
There is so much truth out there, other than what is taught in church. The prophets know that, God knows that. It is clear that YOU *don't* know that.
IGNORANT! OFFENSIVE! LUSTFUL (pinning a girl to the wall and making out with her...NOT OK for a *priesthood holder* to do)! SMALL-MINDED!
It says below that all comments must be approved by the blog author. You probably won't let this one get posted, but I'm satisfied if one of you have read it.
By the way, the author of this blog post *deserves* the kind of woman he wants - think about it... A girl with no self-esteem, who doesn't value education, and doesn't mind that her husband swears (openly, no less).
About the smoker girl -- that "she'll have to quit, confess to the bishop, sincerely repent, get baptized, wait a year, and then come to the temple with me." -- after you have defiled her against a wall???? What a moron! Double standard.
You're the one who needs to repent.
This isn't harmless - a lot of young women read this blog, it seems. Teaching them to de-value education is hurtful and is NOT the church's stance on the matter.
A woman has a right to be educated, she is teaching the next generation.
The kind of woman who is in college just to kill time is the kind of woman who knows nothing about the gospel and what Heavenly Father wants for her.
The kind of man who wants that quality in a woman also knows nothing of the gospel or what Heavenly Father wants for women.
I have to confess. I draw on myself (though it's usually stars, not flowers) ... and I AM an artist. But I'm neither EMO, gothic, or lesbian. (Seriously, the girl in the picture with me is my sister. :P) By the way, you're way funny. I disagree with some of what you say, but that doesn't make you any less funny. Sorry, I guess I should have a more serious response, judging by what everyone else is saying, but, to me, you're good for a laugh, and some downright candidness. I like it.
Oh. And, by the way, I go to school because I love to learn. Love it! I'm majoring in social work and journalism, because I love to write and I want to help out foster care kids. But you're free to think what you want. I personally wouldn't want a guy who DOESN'T go to school or want a career, why shouldn't you have an opinion about girls who DO go to school and want a career. I guess this just proves I'm not your type. Bummer. And I was SO infatuated. :P
I pray to God that this is satirical and you just aren't that funny. Or at the very least that you aren't actually physically capable of procreating, you misogynistic ass.
Couldn't agree with Ceci more. As a married woman myself, I read this blog and laugh at how ridiculous you are! You will be that crazy BACHELOR uncle, but your family will probably always wonder if you will ever jump on out of the closet and admit your homosexuality :)
Couldn't agree with Ceci more. As a married woman myself, I read this blog and laugh at how ridiculous you are! You will be that crazy BACHELOR uncle, but your family will probably always wonder if you will ever jump on out of the closet and admit your homosexuality :)
I agree with everyone who has raised arguments about your very close-minded view on #5. I am married and in school right now, applying to get an MPH and also hoping to have children and a family. My husband and I have come up with these plans together, the same way we have goals for him to go to PT school. The reason we can feel perfectly in tune with the Spirit while making these decisions is because of quotes from LDS church leaders like these:
We have sisters here who, if they had the privilege of studying, would make just as good mathematicians or accountants as any man; and we think they ought to have the privilege to study these branches of knowledge that they may develop the powers with which they are endowed. We believe that women are useful, not only to sweep houses, wash dishes, make beds, and raise babies, but that they should stand behind the counter, study law or physic[s], or become good book keepers and be able to do the business in any counting house, and all this to enlarge their sphere of usefulness for the benefit of society at large. In following these things they but answer the design of their creation.
--President Brigham Young
The whole gamut of human endeavor is now open to women. There is not anything that you cannot do if you will set your mind to it. I am grateful that women today are afforded the same opportunity to study for science, for the professions, and for every other facet of human knowledge. You are as entitled as are men to the Spirit of Christ, which enlightens every man and woman who comes into the world. . . You can include in the dream of the woman you would like to be a picture of one qualified to serve society and make a significant contribution to the world of which she will be a part.
--President Gordon B. Hinckley
President Hinckley never made a distinction between men and women in establishing PEF (Perpetual Education Fund) as the educational program for young adults in less-advantaged countries. Now that he is gone we can learn several important things about President Monson’s feelings.
• Education is just as vital for women as for men in the Church.
Education for women is not just a safeguard in case of divorce, death of a spouse, or lack of opportunity to marry, but is also important for fulfilling life’s purposes and the goals of improving our minds and skills (emphasis added).
--Elder John K. Carmack
I am grateful to see young Latter-day Saint fathers increasingly involved in the daily educational nurturing of their children. What a loss it is, both to fathers and to society, if the bonds of child nurturing belong only to mothers. I agree with the observation that one of the hallmarks of civilization is when men learn from women to become interested in the education of their children.
--Sister Marie Hafen
Finally, I will conclude with this one: There must be respect for the interests of one another. There must be opportunities and encouragement for the development and expression of individual talent. Any man who denies his wife the time and the encouragement to develop her talents, denies himself and his children a blessing which could grace their homes and bless their posterity.
--President Gordon B. Hinckley
How I hope you will consider these words as relevant as the words in the Proclamation which state that a mother's primary responsibility is the nurture of children. It does not say ONLY responsibility, and I strongly feel that there are other responsibilities that women will be held accountable for (ie: influencing the world, perhaps through career choices, perhaps through service, etc.) Your current view is truly at odds with LDS doctrine, and I hope for your future wife's sake that you'll be able to reconcile your chauvinistic view with true doctrine.
Why did you have to swear? Twice? I don't think that many Mormons would really like to read that. KTHANKSBYE
First of all, if you still believe that you are a worthy priesthood holder after saying all of that, I think that you should go talk to your Bishop.
Second, I usually try my hardest not to judge people, especially when I don't know them very well, but I feel no remorse in calling you a douchebag.
Third, free speech is your right and you can say whatever you want for all I care, but I would appreciate it if you removed the word "Mormon" from the title of your blog because I feel that it is a misrepresentation of the content presented. The standards implied from your comments do not necessarily represent those of the Church. I find this association disrespectful and less than Christ-like.
When I was in law school I learned about something called "cognitive dissonance." That's what happens when you think your itty bitty pee pee is HUGE because it's so much bigger than your brain. Kinda like comparing atoms to molecules. Yet some women will still find you attractive. Weird. They must have cognitive dissonance too.
Birds of a feather ... Just try not to breed too much, mmk? There's a shortage of well-endowed men in this world.
You are the biggest tool on the planet. You're obviously threatened by a successful female and unless you change your attitude you will most definitely end up alone and/or unhappy. Have a nice life.
good for you! at least you have standards. i mean, even if your standards make you out to be insecure and naive. it's awesome.
It is so silly to get mad over this.
You would not get mad over calvin's PERSONAL OPINION unless you thought there was something degrading about being a mother. A true feminist posture would be that being a mother is just as important and respectable as any other job, therefore it is not degrading to want your wife to be one. DUH.
All of you that are getting upset are the ones that have the ridiculous problem.
Society thinks that being a homemaker is a pathetic aspiration. Mormons do not.
I went to college to get an education, so I would not be IGNORANT and because I love to learn. I hope that I am lucky enough to be able to stay home with my kids. I don't want to just be a mother, I want to be an AWESOME one.
#3 Thank you for the hardest laugh I have had this week! and yes The Gambler is a pretty "bitchin'" song to coin a phrase, but the better question I have is have you ever heard Wyclef's remix with Kenny Rogers? Love it.
A woman could be called selfish if AFTER having a child/children she concentrated only on her job or social life or whatever. But deciding not to have children does not make her selfish one bit. It's quite considerate of her actually if she knows she won't be able to give the child the best life possible, the life the child deserves. Re-think that cal.. Really disappointed that BBL agreed with that. She says life is hard financially but it is more so for others and its fair if a woman doesnt want to bring a child into that world. If she just wants to concentrate on her career, nothing wrong with that either (unless she's a whore, i draw the line there ;). ) She could be a doctor determined to put her all into saving lives or an engineer trying to end the fuel crisis or an environmentalist trying to slow down global warming. You have to be able to see that point of view too..
I have been married for 12 years, have 3 kids, am a serious Mormon, and am LMFAO! Thank you for this "deal breaker list"! Seriously hilarious and keep the posts coming...
hahaha!! love this post
I can see why a woman who doesn't want kids would be a deal breaker if you want to have children.
BUT you are ridiculous to call that woman a lesbian and selfish bitch. There are plenty of people who have children - often times because it's what is "expected" and often to fulfill a need or empty space in their own unhappy life. Nothing is wrong with a person - male or female - who has chosen not to reproduce. I think often times, people who choose not to have kids are more insightful - they recognize that bringing a child into the world is a huge responsibility - one they feel that they can't commit to. It would be better for them to never have children to begin with than to have a child and be a terrible parent.
I didn't know about you and I must say I couldn't stop laughing. I am now a huge fan. Love your personality!
hahahaha pretty sure you are my eternal companion
Wait... being a guy is not a deal breaker. Does this mean I have a chance with you Calvin?! ;-)
Thanks for this post! This post and your blog have made me, once again, so happy I didn't have the misfortune to be raised a Mormon girl and that my awesome husband left that church! Keep 'em coming - you're like an anti-missionary!
Post a Comment