Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Tuesday Confessional

I was supposed to have my interview on Sunday with the bishop. I've been feeling guilty lately because of some physical stuff I did with Brittany. We didn't do anything I could get ex'd or even disfellowshipped for... but I still felt like I should talk to the bishop.

The conversation among roommates for most of Sunday morning revolved around my appointment. Everyone in our house is pretty familiar with Brittany and what we did. Lance has been hanging out with her lately, which shouldn't surprise me. At least he hasn't brought her over to our house or anything. That would be too awkward and I think he knows it. I don't consider him dating Brittany as a "bro's before hoe's" violation since we haven't dated for a couple of months. I would have appreciated it if he'd ran it by me first, though.

Aaron saw them making out in her car in front of our house last week. I haven't missed an opportunity to make fun of him for gobbling up my sloppy seconds. I also make sure to tell him regularly how she was a horrible kisser when I started dating her and I taught her everything she knows. Mostly I just want Lance to have no choice but imagine making out with me everytime he rolls around with Brittany. I want him to think, "Calvin probably told her to use her tongue like that" or "I wonder if Calvin taught her how to pinch a guys nipples."

Wow. How did I get off on that tangent? Anyway, since Lance is dating Brittany, everyone seems to know how far she and I went. As I was getting ready to go to my bishops appointment, Jake asked if I was nervous. I said, "Yeah. A little. Mostly because I'm not familiar with this bishop." Then Nick said, "When I'm confessing stuff to the bishop, I always like to assume that my bishop did the same stuff when he was younger. It makes me feel better." We all laughed nervously, but then Aaron said, "That's totally true. He seems like the type of guy who had his share of fun before he got married." It might seem a little dodgy, but it actually made me feel quite a bit better. It's like when people say, "When you have to speak in front of a crowd, just picture them all naked and you'll feel much more comfortable." The problem with that is I picture everyone naked all the time anyway, so it doesn't usually help me... especially in a church setting.

My Executive Secretary called me about 10 minutes before my interview and said the bishop had forgotten about a baby blessing he needed to attend in another ward and asked to reschedule our interview for last night. So I ended up being nervous for two more days.

When I got there last night, there was choir practice going on and there were several people playing basketball. I found myself sitting outside the bishops office with three other people, two guys and one girl. The bishop was behind schedule so I ended up having to wait for about 45 minutes. All three of the guys looked about as nervous as I was. They all appeared to be a year or two older than me, but it's hard to tell for sure. They were probably waiting to confess sexual transgressions, as well. I found myself looking forward to seeing whether they came out of the bishops office with red eyes... like they'd been crying. Then I wondered if I was going to cry. I thought that maybe if I was truly penitent, I'd probably need to muster up some tears while I was in there.

Then the girl started asking me questions. I gave her short answers at first, but then I figured out she was trying to flirt with me... outside the bishops office... right before my confession. She asked me where I worked. Even though she was ugly, I decided to give her a real answer. So I started explaining my job and some of the things I have to do on a daily basis. Then I said, "I thought I had pretty good job security, but then last week they decided to lay a few people off. I was worried for a day or two... but... eh... what do you do?" Immediately, this girl started talking about how she works for her dad in his landscaping business or something and how slow it is since it's so cold. I was baffled. Then I realized, she was answering my rhetorical question. When I said, "What do you do?" I meant it as, "There's nothing I can do about it." She thought I was asking her what she did for a living... like I'd actually care.

I spent the next five minutes ignoring her while silently fuming about how she had been ignoring me while I explained my job. She was just waiting for an opening to jump in and talk about herself. How sneaky. She has an ugly personality trait, as well. She's gonna have a rough time for the next dozen or so years.

Luckily, the bishop called me in while she was talking so I didn't have to keep listening. As I walked into the office, I noticed she was still talking...only she had switched who she was talking to, mid-sentence. She was now directing her employment explanation to one of the other guys.

The interview went well. I told him how my behavior was unbecoming of a returned missionary. He corrected me and said it had very little to do with being an RM and more to do with my having gone through the temple. True. Then he said something pretty profound. He said, "Calvin. What you did with Brittany wasn't bad. It wasn't bad at all. It was simply bad timing." He then explained how wonderful that sort of activity is as long as it's within the bounds of marriage. It was a pretty amazing lecture.

As I was laying in bed last night, I felt pretty good about my interview. Interestingly enough, I had a hard time falling asleep. I kept trying to figure out what that ugly girl could possible need to confess. Was there a guy out there somewhere who allowed her to "light pet" him? Or, heaven forbid, vice versa? *shiver*.

-Calvin

54 comments:

amanda leeann said...

your blog is a soap opera that requires less of a time investment on my part and is actually real. sa-weet.

if only my dating life was as exciting as your alls...

Rachel said...

She was probably in for tithing settlement.
But you never know what people are talking about in there, and personally, I'm glad that I don't. Occasionally, my R.S. sisters will want to talk to me pre-bishop. I'm not sure why this is. Maybe they want practice confessing. I try to tell them that they don't (meaning, I'd prefer that they don't) have to tell me anything. Not part of my job description as the RSP. But if it helps, I guess that's ok.
Anyway, long story short, you'd be surprised at what all people do and struggle with. But hey-- we all have stuff to work on, and I'm just glad I don't have to judge.

Busy Bee Lauren said...

I am more of a listener, when it comes to me and two people talking...so I can't relate to that girl at all. Maybe that is why I blog? So I can finally feel justified talking about myself?

Anyway, I am glad the Bishop was awesome. And I am glad he helped you feel better.

Now tell us your Sherlock Calvin story!

Ru said...

Sounds like you have a great bishop - I know you guys like to pick your wards based on the selection of pretty girls, but you all should stick with this one for awhile, even if all the hotties move. :)

Jade said...

Like everyone has already said, your bishop does sound like a great guy. And I'm happy that you feel better now too, talking to the bishop about those things always brings amazing relief.

Brynn said...

Ya know, you may be saying that this girl is ugly and has an ugly personality, but by the way you described her... really just makes you look like YOU'RE the one with the ugly personality.
Just saying.
I'm sure you're fan club will bite my head off now.

Seneca said...

I am so proud of you Calvin. It takes guts to repent and change our ways. Real guts.

Anonymous said...

You are kind of a bastard aren't you? Sexual transgressions aren't the only things that are unbecoming of a RM/Church member/person.

Nate said...

I'm confused - you confessed to teaching Brittany how you liked your nipples pinched? Being a bishop in the single's ward is probably one of the tougher callings in the church...

Anonymous said...

You are a jerk and obviously not truly repentant. I bet you will mess up again soon.

Anonymous said...

This disgusts me. To make it public to strangers indicates you do not fear God, you fear Men. Why bash on the girl? I seriously loose respect. Did you ever stop to consider that people go there to renew Temple recommends, and they all aren't there doing what you did.
I am really disgusted that non members get to read this stupid crap about how you really aren't repentant at all, how you think about forcing tears just to prove something to the Bishop. This seriously disgusts me.
-Natali

Alexandria said...

I despise when people ask questions as a ploy to talk about themselves. Annoying.

Glad you feel better after talking to the Bishop!

I agree with Lauren...tell us the Sherlock Calvin story!!!

Megan said...

Oh look, that one anonymous guy is back calling names and not giving any examples for what they are saying. Awesome!

Pretty much all singles ward Bishops in these huge singles wards do is hear sin confessions. I've never had my bishop do my Temple Recommend interviews and tithing settlement interviews, he always delegates that to his counselors. Because he is busy helping people repent.

It's hard being young and single in the world right now. People make mistakes. The sanctimonious bashing of ignorant cowards just pisses me off.

Megan said...

Oh look, that one anonymous guy is back calling names and not giving any examples for what they are saying. Awesome!

Pretty much all singles ward Bishops in these huge singles wards do is hear sin confessions. I've never had my bishop do my Temple Recommend interviews and tithing settlement interviews, he always delegates that to his counselors. Because he is busy helping people repent.

It's hard being young and single in the world right now. People make mistakes. The sanctimonious bashing of ignorant cowards just pisses me off.

Ru said...

Hey now, as long as we're lecturing people on the virtues of Christianity and repentance and worrying about what non-members will think, let's all tone down the rhetoric, shall we?

And for whoever predicted Calvin's inevitable return to sin, I think you need to consider the fact that everyone messes up again (that's why we have a continuous Atonement), and then go re-read Corinthians, particularly the part about not rejoicing over unrighteousness.

Brynn - I agree, he shouldn't have called her ugly, but pointing out that she has an "ugly personality trait," as he put it, is fair game. But no head biting off here. :)

Fi said...

I'll acknowledge that it still bugs me each time you call a girl "ugly." It makes me cringe inside, out of compassion for how that poor kid would feel, if the individual in question ever found the entry describing him/her and recognized it. But I guess if you can't be honest in your anonymous blog, where can you?

Ryan Hadlock said...

Your side note on the unattractive girl is kind of the pot calling the kettle black - you told her a lot more than you wanted to (due to your lack of attraction for her) and yet fume over her telling you about her job? If you talk to someone about YOU be ready to listen about THEM. If for no other reason than to be polite after they've listened to you.

I'm not sure where anonymous gets that you're unrepentant? Maybe that you're not a natural crier when it comes to these things? I mean talking about faking tears is lame, but feeling bad, feeling contrite, feeling repentant, and feeling the spirit do NOT require tears (contrary to popular belief, and testimony meeting).

I think it's cool that you actually went and talked to your bishop, I think that's a good sign that you are repentant. I mean otherwise, why would you do it?

Anyway, did you ditch Tori yet? :-D

TechieGirl said...

Totally agree Ryan.

Brittany said...

I want the detective Calvin story too!!

brie said...

oh seriously TOTALLY. all you men are dirty. i had NO IDEA til i got hitched when i realized my AP RETURNED MISSIONARY husband was quite the frisky fellow.

so don't feel bad. you're all alike. ;)

and, just so you know, i'm pretty sure guys can get b*ners "petting" ugly girls boobs, too. most of them look the same. :)

oh and just as an aside - i, like, *hate* myself because half the time when i get dressed and ready for the day, i wonder what calvin and jake would rate me as. ;) i haven't asked though because i know i'd be like the only 10 and everyone would hate on me - HA!

Anonymous said...

You are sad. So, so, so, sad.

CarrieBradshaw* said...

This is saying a lot, but personally this blog post offends me. I may not be an active member but I believe some things should remain sacred and not shared on the internet (especially with 300 followers). Your bishop appt. is between you and your bishop. And second of all I think it's extremely judgmental to assume others are there for sexual transgressions. You are type of guy I hate going to church because of because I can tell you are judging me. And that "ugly girl" probably has issues of her own that you should not judge her for.
Sorry, this just irritated me.

Anonymous said...

^THANK YOU, CarrieBradshaw*. Very well said.

Gus, BYU Dude said...

Brie: Are you saying that it isn't good to get boners? Because I get boners just looking at pretty girls I like at a moment's notice.

Carrie: Though I agree with interviews being between you and the Bishop, there is nothing that says you cannot share stuff with others. It is your choice, mostly, it is so the Bishop won't tell others.

And what was so sacred that Calvin shared? We all knew before what Calvin did with Brittney, so that's no surprise. The only thing Calvin did share is that his Bishop talked about bad timing.

So what is so sacred that was shared, honestly?

Matt said...

I see no problem with the way Calvin shared this bishops interview was tasteful and appropriate.

I hate how people praise tge honesty of this blog until that honesty offends them.

When Calvin and Jake say they are being honest I assume they would tell me things that I would tell my closest friends.

You're so honest I love it... but call an ugly person ugly or a fat girl fat and all the sudden I hate you.

Lame people. Really lame.

Calvin, you are a bit shallow, but thank you for sharing the truth with me.

Nikki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nikki said...

I think this is a very wise Bishop and I hate being visually assaulted by ugly people, too. Maybe I am one, it doesn't really matter anymore, we will all be ugly to someone at some point in our aging lives. I suppose I would rather see Calvin visit the Bishop like a McDonald's drive thru than get married to the first sweet spirit that gives him a boner so he can hurry up and have legal sex like a lot of Mormons do(long run on I know figure it out). I also wonder about your sloppy seconds. Am I the only dominatrix that thinks that dudes are my bitches?

Brynn said...

I think people are confusing honesty with spitting out whatever is on your mind.
Just because you thought something (and we all think things that we shouldn't) doesn't mean that we should share it, even if it IS anonymously.
Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone said EVERYTHING that they thought - even split second thoughts?!
Now, I'm not going to condemn these guys or anything like that because that is not what I am all about, but I'm not a fan of some of the things you guys have posted.

That Chick said...

Good for you and your bishop. I like thinking about it that way... bad timing instead of evil or whatever.

not gonna lie, dude, what you said about that 'ugly' girl is pretty skeezy of you. it amkes you sound kindof like a douchebag. careful.

Autumn said...

I applaud you Calvin. I really am amazed you had the guts. I too have had the opportunity to be sitting in your same position outside the bishops office, scared out of my mind. I was glad I did it. :] I have so much respect for you.

Anonymous said...

Ugliness is a matter of opinion.
I remember when I liked hanging out with this really ugly guy. I liked his personality so we hung out.
One day he told me that I was not his type and that he did not think I was pretty. (what the @#$!)

Well it was devastating, I talked to another friend of mine, the hottest guy for sure in our ward, and he said that I was super pretty, and that guy was like so ugly. He called him a zit faced moron with horse teeth. He was right on with that description too.
(hot guy was pissed that some ugly bastard would call me unattractive.)

I was not interested in the ugly guy romantically, just had fun with him. Still, I was way out of his league.

So I think that maybe ugly people are attracted to Ugly people.
Or for that matter we are attracted to people who look more like we do.

Anastasia said...

I love what your bishop said. I think too many mormons have issues when they get married. It's because we have it pounded into our heads so many times that being sexual is "bad". But it's just wrong if the timing is bad and you're not married. I'm seriously going to use that phrase your bish said for probably the rest of my life.

Anonymous said...

Two things: On a past post Jake said that Aaron's older brother recommended a movie(say anything)...but, on the description of Aaron it says he is an only child. Second, you(Calvin) said it would be awesome to make out with Lance's little sister in a closet..... but on his description you say he is the youngest in a family with all boys. Are the descriptions false to throw people off? If so that is fine, but I just wanted to know. I noticed this before, but I waited to give some time to fix them first. I love to read all this shizz.It.is.awesome.
-an MBP fan(sorry I don't have a blog yet)

Anonymous said...

Not everyone goes to the Bishop to confess, you dolt.

Anonymous said...

I don't find your honesty appalling or offensive in the least.

Anonymous said...

I don't find your honesty appalling or offensive in the least.

Jo said...

I love your guys blog, always entertaining.

Good on you Calvin for feeling bad and recognizing what you did was wrong. However, it's disheartening that tons of people have not set their boundaries to an area that makes it impassiable. You mentioned that you're line is further than most have put theirs (I believe that was you). I hope you see this as a chance to fix your boundaries and line so you don't cross it again.

I feel sad that for the people who have made the choice never to cross that line and remain pure and chaste. They hope that their spouse would have done the same. However, many member's see repentence as a chance to "test the waters" and get it all out and then be forgiven for their sins. People need to see how that is not the main reason for repentence.

While your bishop made an excellent point about how it was bad timing. I hope he did expound on that or that you can see what he means. Don't use bad timing everytime you make that choice before you get married.

I'm not trying to be condescending or anytime and I'm sorry if it sounds like that. I just want you to take this experience in retrospective and grow from it and re-evaulate some of the lines you have made for a lot of things.

Jo

Gus, BYU Dude said...

Jo: You feel sad that there are members that don't ever cross the line, but yet people shouldn't use repentance as a way to test the waters? So members should put themselves out there so they fall by accident?

Not all those who have held themselves to high standards hope to marry someone who hasn't ever failed. Yes, there are some like that, but there are a great many who don't care what their potential spouse has gone through, so long as they can marry in the temple.

Jo said...

It's not the fact they have never crossed the line, but the fact they made the choice to never cross the line and tried darn hard to get out of situations they would lead to it. Repentence is something we have been blessed with as a result of our agency.

We are not expected to be perfect, but we should be striving to do our best to reach it and not have the motto I can mess up now and repent later.

Gus, BYU Dude said...

Jo: "It's not the fact they have never crossed the line, but the fact they made the choice to never cross the line and tried darn hard to get out of situations they would lead to it."

and "but we should be striving to do our best to reach it and not have the motto I can mess up now and repent later."

Isn't that what those who never cross the line are doing? Striving to do their best?

You disapprove of never crossing the line, of intentionally getting out of sticky situations. But then you say that we all should be striving to do just that, try our hardest.

What are you trying to say exactly? Because you have lost me.

Jo said...

I dont disapprove of never crossing the line. I was just trying to say how some people made that choice to following the teachings of the prophets and striving to do their best, while others have the completely wrong idea about repentance and it's meaning in our lives.

Gus, BYU Dude said...

Jo: You have a very funny way of saying that then, with the line a few posts up where you said, "I feel sad that for the people who have made the choice never to cross that line and remain pure and chaste." But hey, whatever.

Declarations of a Drama Diva said...

I liked your Bishops respondse. What a great way of seeing things...

Also... how tragic... I hope that when I talk people aren't secretly thinking "I wish this ugly girl would shut-up"

Sigh... good thing people can't read peoples minds. lol

Declarations of a Drama Diva said...

P.S.

I think it is hilarious how people have convos on your comment spots...

Anonymous said...

I love your blog, but I hate it when you talk about girls like that.
I know it's supposed to be candid so we know what real guys think about blah blah blah but it still just makes me sad

KatOfDiamonds said...

Reading your blog is not to be done at the parents house...

""When you have to speak in front of a crowd, just picture them all naked and you'll feel much more comfortable." The problem with that is I picture everyone naked all the time anyway, so it doesn't usually help me... especially in a church setting."

After reading that I LOL'd and they asked me what was so funny... NOTHIN Mum!

Erin said...

well said anonymous 7:30

Alexandra said...

I feel weird admitting this, but honestly it doesn't bug me that Jake and Calvin say a girl is ugly or fat or whatever. Probably because they're trying to be relatively honest on this blog, and I know that sometimes I look at people and it's hard not to think, "wow, you're ugly." Right? No, of course not. It's mean of me. But I do it anyway because I'm human... And I'm not much more than of average looks. The main difference is that I keep it to myself, instead of sharing it anonymously on the internet. I bet a lot of us do it.
Now, if you guys say I'm ugly, that's a whole 'nother story! (I joke, I joke.)

Val Hunter said...

Alexandra, your ugly :)(J.k.)

I don't mind who you call what either...mainly because it is anonymous, and I don't know the person so it's not like I can agree or disagree. But I do hope that no one ever exposes your real identity, I would feel very bad for the girls you have talked about, if they ever found out.

Heather said...

Maybe she has issues with masturbation and it has NOTHING to do with another person and her. Seems more plausible if she was THAT ugly.

Good job for going to talk to the bishop. He sounds like a true man of God to have given that answer. Sometimes you get bishops that let the "power" go to their head and then they start acting like they are the prophet or something...hate that. All they do is make you feel MORE guilty and you walk out of there feeling worse than you did before walking in. I like his answer though...it IS a good thing inside the bonds of marriage. Of course, it leads to children, and then children lead to poopy diapers and the sort...it's a trick; God's little joke.

Just kiddin'. I love my kids...poop and all.

Heather said...

Oh and by the way, I laugh at all the comments about how offended people get by your saying the girl is ugly, fat, etc.

I AM fat and I don't give a rats butt what you'd say about me because you don't have to procreate with me...my husband does and he likes my boobs, sag and all after two kids.

I still think ya'll are damn funny.

brie said...

Hey Gus,

Boner away. I was simply trying to say it wasn't til I was married that I realized how *easily* and *often* guys got boners.

But boners are cool, whatever.

Anonymous said...

Wow you guys are jerks. All of you. I love the fact that you think "being candid" means that you get to display the fact that you all are shallow manwhore idiots and get a pat on the back for it. The worst part is that it actually works.
Repenting means that you have to get your thoughts in line with Christ's. We're trying to become like him, that's the point of repenting. And this is probably way out there, but I'm pretty sure that he doesn't see people and judge them by how they look. She as a legitimate a person as you are and deserves as much respect as a pretty girl. But if that's really how you see people, that's how you'll judge your wife and I can't wait to see your blog once you're on the verge of divorce or having problems with sexual dysfunction or her jacking up the credit card bills. And for that reason, and that reason alone, please keep blogging.

Anonymous said...

I have to be anon for this. My brother was also a prick like you two. Thought he was god's gift. He was dating a cool girl, pretty and awesome. They were going to get married (2nd for both). Instead, he dumps her cause she wasn't hot enough and one of his main criteria was a nice "rack". So he wanted a girl with implants. Anyhoo, he marries this girl in Vegas after dating 5 weeks (both have kids). He thinks she's the hottest thing, fake boobs, a trophy wife. Skip to 3 years later and she screwing our other brother. Keep judging girls on their looks douchebags, it always works. Way to represent your religion online btw.