Tuesday Confessional

I was supposed to have my interview on Sunday with the bishop. I've been feeling guilty lately because of some physical stuff I did with Brittany. We didn't do anything I could get ex'd or even disfellowshipped for... but I still felt like I should talk to the bishop.

The conversation among roommates for most of Sunday morning revolved around my appointment. Everyone in our house is pretty familiar with Brittany and what we did. Lance has been hanging out with her lately, which shouldn't surprise me. At least he hasn't brought her over to our house or anything. That would be too awkward and I think he knows it. I don't consider him dating Brittany as a "bro's before hoe's" violation since we haven't dated for a couple of months. I would have appreciated it if he'd ran it by me first, though.

Aaron saw them making out in her car in front of our house last week. I haven't missed an opportunity to make fun of him for gobbling up my sloppy seconds. I also make sure to tell him regularly how she was a horrible kisser when I started dating her and I taught her everything she knows. Mostly I just want Lance to have no choice but imagine making out with me everytime he rolls around with Brittany. I want him to think, "Calvin probably told her to use her tongue like that" or "I wonder if Calvin taught her how to pinch a guys nipples."

Wow. How did I get off on that tangent? Anyway, since Lance is dating Brittany, everyone seems to know how far she and I went. As I was getting ready to go to my bishops appointment, Jake asked if I was nervous. I said, "Yeah. A little. Mostly because I'm not familiar with this bishop." Then Nick said, "When I'm confessing stuff to the bishop, I always like to assume that my bishop did the same stuff when he was younger. It makes me feel better." We all laughed nervously, but then Aaron said, "That's totally true. He seems like the type of guy who had his share of fun before he got married." It might seem a little dodgy, but it actually made me feel quite a bit better. It's like when people say, "When you have to speak in front of a crowd, just picture them all naked and you'll feel much more comfortable." The problem with that is I picture everyone naked all the time anyway, so it doesn't usually help me... especially in a church setting.

My Executive Secretary called me about 10 minutes before my interview and said the bishop had forgotten about a baby blessing he needed to attend in another ward and asked to reschedule our interview for last night. So I ended up being nervous for two more days.

When I got there last night, there was choir practice going on and there were several people playing basketball. I found myself sitting outside the bishops office with three other people, two guys and one girl. The bishop was behind schedule so I ended up having to wait for about 45 minutes. All three of the guys looked about as nervous as I was. They all appeared to be a year or two older than me, but it's hard to tell for sure. They were probably waiting to confess sexual transgressions, as well. I found myself looking forward to seeing whether they came out of the bishops office with red eyes... like they'd been crying. Then I wondered if I was going to cry. I thought that maybe if I was truly penitent, I'd probably need to muster up some tears while I was in there.

Then the girl started asking me questions. I gave her short answers at first, but then I figured out she was trying to flirt with me... outside the bishops office... right before my confession. She asked me where I worked. Even though she was ugly, I decided to give her a real answer. So I started explaining my job and some of the things I have to do on a daily basis. Then I said, "I thought I had pretty good job security, but then last week they decided to lay a few people off. I was worried for a day or two... but... eh... what do you do?" Immediately, this girl started talking about how she works for her dad in his landscaping business or something and how slow it is since it's so cold. I was baffled. Then I realized, she was answering my rhetorical question. When I said, "What do you do?" I meant it as, "There's nothing I can do about it." She thought I was asking her what she did for a living... like I'd actually care.

I spent the next five minutes ignoring her while silently fuming about how she had been ignoring me while I explained my job. She was just waiting for an opening to jump in and talk about herself. How sneaky. She has an ugly personality trait, as well. She's gonna have a rough time for the next dozen or so years.

Luckily, the bishop called me in while she was talking so I didn't have to keep listening. As I walked into the office, I noticed she was still talking...only she had switched who she was talking to, mid-sentence. She was now directing her employment explanation to one of the other guys.

The interview went well. I told him how my behavior was unbecoming of a returned missionary. He corrected me and said it had very little to do with being an RM and more to do with my having gone through the temple. True. Then he said something pretty profound. He said, "Calvin. What you did with Brittany wasn't bad. It wasn't bad at all. It was simply bad timing." He then explained how wonderful that sort of activity is as long as it's within the bounds of marriage. It was a pretty amazing lecture.

As I was laying in bed last night, I felt pretty good about my interview. Interestingly enough, I had a hard time falling asleep. I kept trying to figure out what that ugly girl could possible need to confess. Was there a guy out there somewhere who allowed her to "light pet" him? Or, heaven forbid, vice versa? *shiver*.

-Calvin