Monday, November 30, 2009

Final Make-out (and Mormon Orgy)

You might be wondering what's going on with Tori. She hasn't been a blog post topic for at least a week, and to be honest... I was starting to forget about her, myself. In fact, I may have simply abandoned her if she wasn't always texting me. It was tempting to just start ignoring her texts and phone calls like I usually do when I'm done with a girl. I was thinking the other day about how girls always seem to think a guy is a jerk when he ends a relationship, regardless of how he does it.

If I were to avoid her, then I'd be a jerk for not being honest with her. However, if I was honest with her and told her I found her irritating, immature, and snotty... and the only reason I dated her for so long is because she was hot, a cheerleader, and more popular than I could ever hope to be and I was secretly hoping that her popularity would rub off on me kinda like in that movie Can't Buy Me Love starring that guy from Grey's Anatomy who everyone thinks is hot, but in reality he's just a dweeb who looks good in scrubs and/or a tuxedo like Spencer in that episode of iCarly when he dated that girl who only liked him when he was in the tux... well, then I'd STILL be a jerk. Except maybe in the second scenario she'd think, "Wow. He's still a jerk, but at least he was honest and used pop culture references to help me to understand what he was trying to say through creative illustration, and it also helped to make me feel better about his brutal honesty."

Tori invited me over on Friday night to watch ELF. I was pretty excited because I really dig Zooey and I figured I could probably roll around with Tori one final time before I ended things... either formally or abstractly. I briefly thought about waiting until the "built in relationship expiration date", but then I realized I'd have to date her through Christmas (I'd have to buy her a gift $) and then I'd pretty much have to spend New Year's with her (and all of her gay guy friends) and then I'd have to give her a farewell gift ($) and maybe take some time off of work to go to the airport with her and her family. Sigh. Way too much work.

I was looking forward to our last make out. I was actually looking forward to it more because she would have no idea that it was our last make out... but I would. I was going to be able to enjoy it on a totally different level.

When I got to her house, her younger brother let me in again and sent me downstairs. I could smell popcorn and I could hear that the movie was already on. I was a little disappointed because I figured her family was going to be in the same room with us the whole time. As I entered the basement I was shocked at what I saw. Now... three days later, I wish like crazy I'd have taken a photo of what I was witnessing. It was dimly lit and I don't think any of you would have been able to see anyone's face. I wish I would have taken the photo so I could have uploaded it. But I didn't.

I'll do my best to describe it. All of the couches had been moved to the outside of the room. In the center of the room were about 6 beanbags, dozens of pillows and blankets, 8 guys and 5 girls in the most absurd and ridiculous looking group cuddle session in the history of the world. I couldn't tell where one person ended and the next person began. I saw arm tickling, back rubbing, hair playing, spooning, and pretty much every other moral and chaste type of touching and caressing possible. I couldn't even see Tori. It was too dark and the TV was too loud for anyone to be talking. I thought about leaving, but again... I was too curious. I sat down by myself on the love seat and watched this cuddle group for about 15 minutes. It was honestly the most bizarre thing I've ever seen. All of the years I was in junior high and high school, I was totally oblivious to the fact that cheerleaders, jocks and any other popular or attractive people did this sort of thing on the weekends. It blew my mind.

As I sat there on the sidelines, not only was I in awe... I slowly became angry. Pissed off was more like it. Eventually, I left. Just as I got to my truck I heard the front door open and Tori ran out to talk to me. She apologized profusely, claiming she didn't even know I had arrived and wasn't aware of my presence until she saw me get up to leave. I kind of wanted to believe her, but then I remembered the seating arrangements on our spelunking date and all of the other selfish crap she's been pulling since we started dating a month ago.

I tried to keep our conversation civil... you know... since she's my dad's receptionist, but it was really hard. I told her exactly how stupid and immature she was around her friends. She got pretty defensive. She explained (again) about how she's been friends with these guys for "decades". I almost corrected her since she's hasn't even been alive for "decades". Only a decade and 4/5ths... but I didn't. Tori told me how she's flirty by nature, but promised me that she only kisses "one guy at a time". She said that I was the only guy she kisses... currently. She promised me that all of the other guys are only her friends.

It was very refreshing to hear that reassurance... if I chose to believe it. It was at that point that I decided to stop escalating the situation. I figured I could pretend she had convinced me and then just avoid her... like I was so good at. I told her that I understood where she was coming from. Then she said, "So you're not mad at me?" I said, "Of course not, Tori." But then she got this weird look on her face and said, "Then why did you look to the right?"

Things get kind of blurry at this point. I remember telling her that she wasn't a human lie detector and that saying stuff like that just made her look like even more of a moron than she really was. I think she could have taken that as a compliment. I mean, I was kind of saying that she really isn't as moronic as she seems sometimes.

She started crying at one point... so I got in my truck and drove away. So much for the much anticipated final make out. Blast!

-Calvin

60 comments:

Heather said...

You are right...girls get pissed about break ups no matter how you do it. And, in fact, they get pissed about them when THEY are the ones doing the breaking up then see you out with another girl just a couple nights later. We are weird. Ive just learned to accept that and move on...either that or years of marriage and all that comes with it have matured me a teeny tiny little bit.

Or, maybe I am just awesome.

Sierra said...

The title of this post was VERY deceiving...haha.

But you are right. Girls get mad. All the time. For no reason.

Seneca said...

I am so happy for you Calvin! Yaya! Spencer from iCarly cracks me up and I still see whats-his-face from Grey's as a dweeb, but I have good taste in men ;) The whole cuddle sessions sounds like something out of a horror movie, creepy........

TechieGirl said...

Glad you finally left her. And how in the world can you stand that iCarly show? I turn suicidal/homicidal if I watch more than 5 minutes of it.

Busy Bee Lauren said...

This may have been my favorite post of all time. First with this:

"Wow. He's still a jerk, but at least he was honest and used pop culture references to help me to understand what he was trying to say through creative illustration, and it also helped to make me feel better about his brutal honesty."

And then she has to throw out that she has been friends for "decades". Beautiful. That made my day right there.

I love that you watched the Mormonesque-orgy "without her knowing you were there". Amazing.

BUt most of all...I love that you told her she was immature.

*standing on my desk, clapping!*

PS, who do you think she asked to play with her hair while she fell asleep? Poor thing...Not.

Sierra said...

Oh I also just remembered that some people I used to be friends with did the annoying cuddle thing you described. It's horrible and stupid.

Jade said...

Yes she is finally gone!!! Way to go for telling her how it was and that you had had enough! Way to be Calvin.

Ryan Hadlock said...

Laughed at the "decade and 4/5ths". You totally should have told her that, you weren't pulling any other punches. :-D

Chad & Clair said...

Weird..but at least the relationship kinda ended itself. She did all the work for you with her group cuddling and "decade friends."

Alexandria said...

It's about time Calvin! Srsly. This girl was beyond odd.

Um. You rule. I love the whole 'pop culture reference' line...awesome!

Alexandra said...

Ha! You probably shouldn't have told her all the things, but lots of the people reading this are glad you did.
I like the part where she said she'd been friends with them for decades. People should say stuff like that more often. And you should have corrected her, because it would have been funny.

Katie said...

Go Calvin!!! Soooo glad you finally ditched her.

amanda leeann said...

calvin, you win at life. seriously.

that chick was weird. and the next girl you dump, please dump her with all those awesome pop culture references?

Nate said...

You needed to stick around for the science of it all. Think about it, an anthropological exposition and examination of the popular crowd, to include the bizarre ritualistic group cuddle orgy rituals. Now all that new found knowledge will be lost to the masses. Such a tragic waste.

Lauren said...

Yay! No more Tori, it's about time. You rock, Calvin. And you should have called her out on the decades comment, that would have been hilarious.

M and C said...

My favorite part is that you brought up iCarly. Im glad your done with Tori. She immature and annoying.

That Chick said...

Dude, you had some pretty douchey intentions. But Tori seems like a douche too, so its all good I guess.

Not gonna lie, glad to see her go.

sarah joelle said...

pretty sure you're better off without her anyway. a group cuddle fest? seriously? do people in high school out here actually do that!? if i had done that back home while i was in high school, i would have been the laughingstock of the entire school. yeeeesh. who even is this girl?

and i loved the pop culture references. loved them.

Arianna N. McMillan said...

Hahahaha. This is one of my most favorite posts for some reason. It's just really entertaining and interesting to read.

Oh, and by the way, I finished our little "challenge". Pay up!!!

Mary said...

bahaha. i loved the iCarly reference. pretty sure the creative illustration of pop culture references would have been awesome.

Jessica said...

Wow, a Mormon Orgy. I'm fascinated and slightly disturbed.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

She didn't see you enter cause she was spooning with some other dude, and she was only aware that someone left and wasn't sure who until she got to the door.

Dude, if you talk to her again, call her out on all that, of the caves, of the orgy, of everything.

Lorelei said...

I kinda love that you just drove away when she started crying. She had it coming...

xoxo Lorelei

colleenroselle said...

ha ha ha me and guy friends always have little mormon orgys and I always cuddle with my guy friends that I totally do not like so I see her point. it happens


but she was crying?
puhhhleeeeeeeease. girl needs to get a grip.

Shelby Lou said...

hahahaaha decades.


i died laughing.. then jumped up on my couch like tom cruise on oprah because i was so happy tori is finally gone.

yes.

Kris said...

I love Spencer! I am so glad that there are others that appreciate his work on iCarly. Plus, he is some pretty good iCandy (tee hee). Glad you ditched Tori. Incredible post, I was laughing the whole time I was reading.

CarrieBradshaw* said...

What the hell? I would have been extremely awkward with the group Mormon orgy as well. That's just weird. And if she invited you over she should have been watching for you and NOT been cuddling with other dudes/chicks. How immature is she? I totally just remembered why I hated cheerleaders in H.S. I avoided this group of kids because they annoyed the hell out of me. They think they are so cool but in all reality they are all a bunch of self-centered morons with no depth.

Good call on making her cry, that just makes this whole saga worthwhile.

Autumn said...

I literally died laughing Calvin. Thank goodness you got rid of her. I was waiting for this day. Now you should make out with one of your many fans who just so happen to be in love with you. You're going to have a make out buddy for the rest of your life, no matter how many times you get rid of one. Tori seems like a b****, and you deserved better. I hope she thinks about what you said, it can only be true, and maybe she'll stop being a whore. :]

Props Calvin!

Melissa said...

Mmm... I like that you told her she was moron. Kinda awesome. And vetoing a girl because she is a cuddle-whore - totally acceptable. I cant believe in the dark street she could even tell you looked to the right. Glad its over and done with. Might want to start calling your dad on his cell phone tho.

THE Stephanie said...

DOH!

Heather said...

So unbelievably proud of you, Calvin!!

Kimkidoni said...

Hee hee!

AngelaBeth said...

I don't know WHAT you're talking about.. I'd take Spencer over any Grey's dude in a second. He's adorable.

Montierth Madness said...

Well, technically, one day more than 10 years is 'decades' but I see what you were getting at.

I second the comment that she didn't know you were there because she was on some other guy. She was crying because you were leaving her harem. Little snot!

Ariel said...

All the jocks and cheerleaders I went to school with did those weird cuddle sessions. All the south weber kids had those parties. I'm glad you find it bizarre too!

And I'm glad you're done with Tori. I've thought she was immature.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Montierth Madness:

I have a question. Are you as sure about your definition of "decade" as you were about Nutty Putty being closed when I went?

Just curious.

-c

Kellie said...

Good riddance.. that girl is weird.

Anonymous said...

I feel like the odd man out here, but really, you drove off while she was crying? Maybe she really did care about you and you just left her there. And what is wrong with having male friends? I'm sure you have platonic relationships with female friends.

The reason girls get upset isn't because of HOW you break up with them but WHY. Why would you lead her on so long if she were immature and irritating? And why is this the first (and last) time you're bringing the issue up?

Montierth Madness said...

Touche Calvin. And now it's closed again. Supposedly permanently, with a body in it.

And yes I am.

Different Anonymous said...

Anonymous 2:14: You do speak with some reason, but remember that Calvin and Tori have gone out two, maybe three times since they have met. The rest if the time has been make-out sessions. So it is not like they are boyfriend/girlfriend.

You probably haven't read what else has gone, but honestly, Tori isn't worth it. She knows they're make-out buddies, he knows it. If she cries about it, that's her deal. She'll find someone off in College to soothe her "pain".

noyb said...

do you think your dad will take it hard, considering he was the catalyst for this whole thing? the whole orgy imagery was weird and disturbing.

Really Creepy said...

Now imagine if they were all zombies. It'd be an undead Mormon orgy!

Allison said...

Wowch. That was slightly harsh, and for me- VERY gratifying! Tori was starting to get on my nerves.

Just in case you were thinking about being COMPLETELY civil and not make her feel bad, you can do the "I feel bad when I'm left out" as opposed to "Don't do this because I hate it"... type of thing...


Over all, congrats! :D

kelly anne said...

oh mormon orgys. so awkward.

i'm glad you finally ended it with her. she was weird.

but i do have to disagree about the patrick dempsey thing (as brilliant as it was), because while he did look like a dweeb back in the days of can't buy me love, i think he looks good in pretty much anything now.... even if he does look BEST in a tux ;)

Anonymous said...

Love the iCarly reference. No one likes to admit they watch it, but really its TOOO funny to resist.

Also you should add more pictures!

Maggles said...

The cuddle fest totally creeps me out. It's weird. Although "weird" isn't a strong enough word. I just can't find a word to do it justice right now. So yeah...weird.

Megan said...

Calvin... um, I'm not thinking it's cool that you wanted to make-out and then break up. That is douchey. Maybe that's just me.

Lorelei said...

If she really cared about him, she sure had an odd way of showing it.

xoxo Lorelei

Anonymous said...

She sounds lame. How old is she, 15? Date me instead. I will have a cuddle fest with you while watching elf and I will talk about how beautiful Zooey is with you. And I guarentee there wont be 30 other jocks spooning around us.

-b

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha. Greatest story!!! Absolutely hilarious.

Katie said...

Woo! SO happy to hear this. Love the story though.

Anonymous said...

Patrick Dempsey is the hottest man alive. The end.

sarah ann said...

so...it pretty much made my whole day that you are now a follower of my blog.

xoxo
sarah ann

p to the s. i love you guys!

Lauren said...

I am just glad I don't have to go through all this drama anymore but reading these posts for sure make me think of those days! you guys crack me up!

anna said...

there is almost no way i am believing that really happened! too awesome to happen in real life!! i can't think of a better way to end it with her. she's a complete idiot and it's about time someone told her so! if you had left it alone and just ignored her i would not be as impressed with you right now. you just scored major points in the MAN department.

Lyss said...

Calvin, I have already told you this but I am beyond happy that Tori is over with.
Seriously.

Lyss said...

Oh and my roommate just told me that she hates Tori. So go you.

Lachele said...

BAHAHA! I freakin think this blog is hilarious! Oh man!

Anonymous said...

just got introduced to your blog. this post makes me so extremely happy to be married. the whole 'i am a flirty person by nature, but i only kiss one guy at a time' bull. i totally remember pulling that crap on guys. it meant i wasn't into them, just wanted their attention.

my advice: (not that i know you, will ever meet me you, or that you care either way... but people give me advice on my blog all the time ;-) put on the brakes as soon as you meet a fluff-ball like Torie.

you need more depth than a flirty girl who has to delineate her kissers from her nonkissers to you. or to herself.

The Chrissy Herself said...

ohp, sorry. that last one was from me. Hi. i'm Chrissy. i'm a follower... so don't let me down...