Final Make-out (and Mormon Orgy)

You might be wondering what's going on with Tori. She hasn't been a blog post topic for at least a week, and to be honest... I was starting to forget about her, myself. In fact, I may have simply abandoned her if she wasn't always texting me. It was tempting to just start ignoring her texts and phone calls like I usually do when I'm done with a girl. I was thinking the other day about how girls always seem to think a guy is a jerk when he ends a relationship, regardless of how he does it.

If I were to avoid her, then I'd be a jerk for not being honest with her. However, if I was honest with her and told her I found her irritating, immature, and snotty... and the only reason I dated her for so long is because she was hot, a cheerleader, and more popular than I could ever hope to be and I was secretly hoping that her popularity would rub off on me kinda like in that movie Can't Buy Me Love starring that guy from Grey's Anatomy who everyone thinks is hot, but in reality he's just a dweeb who looks good in scrubs and/or a tuxedo like Spencer in that episode of iCarly when he dated that girl who only liked him when he was in the tux... well, then I'd STILL be a jerk. Except maybe in the second scenario she'd think, "Wow. He's still a jerk, but at least he was honest and used pop culture references to help me to understand what he was trying to say through creative illustration, and it also helped to make me feel better about his brutal honesty."

Tori invited me over on Friday night to watch ELF. I was pretty excited because I really dig Zooey and I figured I could probably roll around with Tori one final time before I ended things... either formally or abstractly. I briefly thought about waiting until the "built in relationship expiration date", but then I realized I'd have to date her through Christmas (I'd have to buy her a gift $) and then I'd pretty much have to spend New Year's with her (and all of her gay guy friends) and then I'd have to give her a farewell gift ($) and maybe take some time off of work to go to the airport with her and her family. Sigh. Way too much work.

I was looking forward to our last make out. I was actually looking forward to it more because she would have no idea that it was our last make out... but I would. I was going to be able to enjoy it on a totally different level.

When I got to her house, her younger brother let me in again and sent me downstairs. I could smell popcorn and I could hear that the movie was already on. I was a little disappointed because I figured her family was going to be in the same room with us the whole time. As I entered the basement I was shocked at what I saw. Now... three days later, I wish like crazy I'd have taken a photo of what I was witnessing. It was dimly lit and I don't think any of you would have been able to see anyone's face. I wish I would have taken the photo so I could have uploaded it. But I didn't.

I'll do my best to describe it. All of the couches had been moved to the outside of the room. In the center of the room were about 6 beanbags, dozens of pillows and blankets, 8 guys and 5 girls in the most absurd and ridiculous looking group cuddle session in the history of the world. I couldn't tell where one person ended and the next person began. I saw arm tickling, back rubbing, hair playing, spooning, and pretty much every other moral and chaste type of touching and caressing possible. I couldn't even see Tori. It was too dark and the TV was too loud for anyone to be talking. I thought about leaving, but again... I was too curious. I sat down by myself on the love seat and watched this cuddle group for about 15 minutes. It was honestly the most bizarre thing I've ever seen. All of the years I was in junior high and high school, I was totally oblivious to the fact that cheerleaders, jocks and any other popular or attractive people did this sort of thing on the weekends. It blew my mind.

As I sat there on the sidelines, not only was I in awe... I slowly became angry. Pissed off was more like it. Eventually, I left. Just as I got to my truck I heard the front door open and Tori ran out to talk to me. She apologized profusely, claiming she didn't even know I had arrived and wasn't aware of my presence until she saw me get up to leave. I kind of wanted to believe her, but then I remembered the seating arrangements on our spelunking date and all of the other selfish crap she's been pulling since we started dating a month ago.

I tried to keep our conversation civil... you know... since she's my dad's receptionist, but it was really hard. I told her exactly how stupid and immature she was around her friends. She got pretty defensive. She explained (again) about how she's been friends with these guys for "decades". I almost corrected her since she's hasn't even been alive for "decades". Only a decade and 4/5ths... but I didn't. Tori told me how she's flirty by nature, but promised me that she only kisses "one guy at a time". She said that I was the only guy she kisses... currently. She promised me that all of the other guys are only her friends.

It was very refreshing to hear that reassurance... if I chose to believe it. It was at that point that I decided to stop escalating the situation. I figured I could pretend she had convinced me and then just avoid her... like I was so good at. I told her that I understood where she was coming from. Then she said, "So you're not mad at me?" I said, "Of course not, Tori." But then she got this weird look on her face and said, "Then why did you look to the right?"

Things get kind of blurry at this point. I remember telling her that she wasn't a human lie detector and that saying stuff like that just made her look like even more of a moron than she really was. I think she could have taken that as a compliment. I mean, I was kind of saying that she really isn't as moronic as she seems sometimes.

She started crying at one point... so I got in my truck and drove away. So much for the much anticipated final make out. Blast!

-Calvin