Thursday, November 5, 2009

Ratings and Wedding Gifts

There might be a handful of you wondering if there are any updates in my dating life. No, not really. I have not spoken to or seen Andrea since our phone call. I also haven't seen or heard from Harper since our little episode the other day. I did get a job though. Selling satellite TV door-to-door. After my first two days... it's kind of like being on the mish I need a vast knowledge of TV programming instead of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Honoring the request of one of our readers in our last post has lead to numerous people requesting to be rated by me and Calvin. This comes with a great deal of pressure. We've always said that "6" is average... but that means for every "9", there has to be a "3". Who am I to tell a girl she is a 3? She would never recover from that whether I'm anonymous or not, and I would probably have a fairly uncomfortable conversation at the Judgment Seat about ruining her life.

In reality no one should care what we rate them. We are, after all, just two men who are very willing to admit we are only 6's ourselves. Truth be told though... people will care. People will be upset and people will be disappointed that we would stoop so low and be so shallow. That's kind of what this blog is all about, so, we will rate anyone who asks. We will be completely honest, and we will only do it publicly if they request it. Before we do that, we decided that the Mormon Bachelor Pad should be very specific in describing exactly how we rate women. See here.

Last night Calvin and I went to our old roommate Bryson's wedding reception. It was a pretty surreal experience. I mean the guy was living in our house, pretending to sleepwalk and eat Calvin's cookies in the middle of the night just a couple months ago. Now he is married, and let's be honest... he's going to be having sex tonight, if he hasn't already. All shock aside... Bryson is actually going to lose his virginity before me. I am happy for the guy.

Calvin and I didn't know what to get them for their wedding. We were at Wal-Mart buying eggnog (yep they started selling it the day after Halloween!) and I had an epiphany. No one ever buys anything for the guy. It's always, like, kitchen stuff and chick junk. So Calvin and I went over to the Hardware section and bought a shovel and a rake. At $8 a piece that fit into our limited budget perfectly.

We added a little bow around the handle of each garden tool and took it to the reception. It was just in a Ward house Cultural center. A nice modest little shin dig. There were no hot girls there. Bummer. So we grabbed a paper cup of chalky mints and bailed. Bryson looked happy... I wonder when it'll be my day and I wonder who will be taking the bow-tied shovel to who first, me or Calvin.

Jake

61 comments:

Lauren said...

I hate those chalky pillow mints.

I just realized I am only slightly above average. But it's aight...since I am married. :)

Lauren said...

Shovel with a bow... nice gift.

Eggnog is only good in moderation. There is such a thing as to much eggnog, but the best part about that is you have a year to recover before it comes out again!

Alexandria said...

Kitchen stuff and chick junk? lol..

Nothing says bromance like a shovel with a bow...sweetness.

Eggnog is vomit in a glass. end of story.

Lauren said...

I always get the guy a gift. It's more fun.

ChloƩ said...

haha your disclaimer was hilarious. i read it outloud to people at work. nice job guys. i love the shovel idea. i wish we had gotten a shovel.

Living In Your Letters said...

Haha, Jake, I think we're all just as curious to see who gets married first. Hopefully not for a while. :)

I always get a tool set for friends that get married. Pretty handy gift, I think.

Your scale is logical and practical. I'm impressed. Seems like any rating you give would be pretty fair. And I read the disclaimer...hilarious. I might have to let you rate me someday...

kelleidoscope said...

I think that's an awesome wedding gift. Come to my wedding and give that to my husband. So he can stay outside and leave me alone sometimes.

Arianna N. McMillan said...

Dang it!!! I thought i'd be first to comment. how gay. lol. now i have to go read the post...

Arianna N. McMillan said...

Oh and by the way - I'd be interested in being rated. Bring on the 3!!! hahaha.

Kristin Lee said...

I'm sure one of your crazy fangirls would be willing to oblige to your marriage needs.

I think the shovel with a bow is a brilliant idea. Totally going to do that for the next wedding I attend.

Amy said...

Ya know what? If you are taking requests, I was dead serious when I said I want to be rated. I can totally take the burn. I guess us girls are just curious.

Weddings can get soooo boring. I have to go to one in utah next week. Bleh. But, on a good note, I got to drink eggnog for the first time this year last night. You eggnog haters are missing out on life!

Ashley said...

I love eggnog, but have yet to enjoy it this year.

As I am older than you, I think it would be weird to be rated by you. I'm happy being the 7 I think I am.

I think the shovel and rake were a great idea for a wedding present.

Scott said...

Great idea on the gift. Of course you now need to think of something else because now every Mormon wedding for the next 6 months will have 2 or 3 shove/rake set gifts.

From personal experience, the best wedding gifts are gift cards to restaurants, movie theaters, target, etc, or just cash. If you aren't going to buy something from the registry or cant think of anything practical for around the house (like the rake/shovel, bathroom cleaning supplies, or anything you use every day without thinking about it) just give them money. It saves them time trying to return your crappy and/or duplicate gift. We got 5 toolboxes and could only return 2 of them.

Calvin said...

Ashley, Ashley, Ashley. I'm pretty sure we can rate someone who's 7 years older than we are. We rated Lance's mom AND Tedward. The system works for everyone (18 or older).

Ashley said...

I didn't say you couldn't do it. I think you are fully capable of rating anyone. I just think it would be weird. I have brothers your age.

TechieGirl said...

Love the honesty guys! I usually give either $25 or $50 Visa Gift Cards at weddings, depending on how well I know the couple. I figure it lets them buy whatever they need or want... =)

Emily said...

I love your idea of the gift! I've done "showers" for guys and the gift had to be from home depot or best buy... it got creative! Well done. I'm hoping the Tori & Calvin relationship goes well enough to beat Jake in the race for the shovel...

Bethany said...

I would want to see what you guys looked like first before you rated me...but since this blog is anonymous that obviously going to happen and I don't want my self esteem to suffer. haha. Anyways that is a great idea getting stuff for the guy!! I hope someone does that for my future husband!!

Bonnie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bonnie said...

mmm...eggnog...jake marry me. canada really isn't that far away! i'm sure we could figure something out.

Blazzer said...

Congrats on the job!

If you bothered reading this post you NEED to go read how they make their rating's -- it's brill.

-Blazzer

Autumn said...

Great gifts. haha. Nice. Really. I think I might have fallen asleep at this post though. :[

Brittany said...

Haha I LOVED the rating system and the disclaimer! I want to be rated because Im just very curious!

Jade said...

For some reason this "I wonder when it'll be my day and I wonder who will be taking the bow-tied shovel to who first, me or Calvin." cracked me up, just funny to picture guys thinking about that I guess.

Oh I like all the new links, it makes it more fun to read.

Natalie said...

dude, lauren--i love those mints. lay off <33

Karina said...

Mmm I love this time of year. Eggnog = :).

I LOVE your gift idea! Congrats to Bryson!

Zabes-Yap said...

EGGNOG!!! OH MAN I'M ADDICTED! And the wedding mints... they are good to... but those gross wax chocolates... ew.

MomBabe said...

I gave my room mate a bottle of massage oil and a plastic dropcloth for her wedding gift. True story. I'm pretty sure that can be considered a "for him" gift.

Angela said...

I'm still laughing. I love this whole rating thing. And I think your gift idea was brilliant.

Nikki said...

Rate me? How about screw me and I'll rate you.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Wait Nikki. That doesn't sound fair. We have to screw you in order for you to rate us?

Actually, I'm down. Let's do it. Where should we meet?

-c

lifechick said...

I had some sort of comment to post, but the last to comments here just totally wiped it from my mind.

whyimstillsingle said...

Ew. You'd screw Nikki? C, you just dropped a point in my mind!

lifechick said...

... and caused me to be unable to spell the word "two".

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

I have no doubts that Nikki could teach me a thing or two. As long as she keeps the greasy dinner gas under control.

-c

Nikki said...

Calvin, LMAO! Fair is fair...you have your system and I have mine. Pony up stallion. :)

Melissa said...

Jake... Bon Tron is the bombdiggity. You might wanna get in on that while you can.

Melissa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jessica said...

It would be awkward to be rated by you guys. You are just babies compared to me!

Plus with the way kids are these days... crazy whippersnappers.

Freddy said...

Wow, Nikki has some serious seduction skills.

Alexandria said...

Nikki is like a four paw cougar for sure. Ew. Vomit. Ew. Calvin please do not have sex with Nikki for the sake of the blog!

Jessica said...

More like Calvin don't have sex with Nikki for the sake of your manhood!

Kristin Lee said...

Calvin, don't have sex with Nikki for the sake of your boys...you never know what disease you'll get.

Also. Your fangirls will not appreciate this flirting. Just ask Amy and Alexandria.

Amy said...

^ Like what Kristin said, the fangirls are going to be angry for your flirtatious behavior towards Nikki, Calvin. I see torches being lit already. And apparently, girls aren't allowed to be friendly with you guys AT ALL...and if they are, they are "kiss-asses".

Stupid fangirls.

Emily Sue said...

love the wedding gift idea! i've actually never thought of buying the guy a gift! he deserves a gift too. great job. sorry there were no hottie mcbodies there.

Alexandra said...

Mmm... eggnog.
I hate going to wedding receptions. Which has been a problem, since I was a maid of honor this summer for a wedding.

Anonymous said...

We love you nikki

Anonymous said...

We love you nikki

That Chick said...

I would say, rate me, but that would involve showing pictures of myself to you, and i'm rather fond of the wall of anonymity I've become accustomed to as of late.

That Chick said...

I would say, rate me, but that would involve showing pictures of myself to you, and i'm rather fond of the wall of anonymity I've become accustomed to as of late.

Julie said...

Y'all are sooo funny! I read your rating system to my hubby and he said y'all were spot on. Can't wait to read the ratings of the brave gals who will subject themselves to your rating system.

Good call on the wedding gift...we have a friend who gave my husband a orbital hand sander as a wedding gift. It was wrapped in newspaper and duct tape. It really fit in among all of the frilly wrapped wedding gifts.

Bekah said...

Love the gifts you gave your friend. The girl was probably annoyed but whatever.

I don't believe I feel the need to be rated. I think I'll take the fact that you commented on a pic of me & my girls in our bathingsuits and said "Hello There!" as a compliment. And if you're wondering if I screenshot it and sent it to my friends with the caption "awkward turtle" i did

:)

Anonymous said...

Hey guys! Really like the post. The rating scale is more clear to me now. Glad that you're not a shallow as I once thought.

CaLLie.ANN said...

Welp, you read my blog so I feel like it's necessary that you rate me. :)

...bring it on.

Natalie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nate said...

Saw this video after reading your ratings scale and thought of you guys! ;-)

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/125361/dwayne_perkins_ranking_method/

Autumn said...

Calvin, do not have sex with Nikki. You might get some disease and then all you'd blog about is how much discomfort you're in and the time you spend at the hospital getting treated for it. C'mon man! You should have more morals then THAT!

Brittany said...

I don't think he is ACTUALLY going to have sex with Nikki! lol jeez

~kiMbeRLy~ said...

Just threw up a little bit reading these comments...Calvin screwing Cougar Nikki and her greasy dinner gas...sicknast people. Loved the post, not sure about the after post.
Pony up stallion.- gross.

Nicole said...

i love the shovel with the bow! seriously awesome idea

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