Thursday, December 3, 2009

Say My Name, Say My Name

Remember that song by Destiny's Child, "Say My Name" (I know that's sooo middle school dance right?) It goes: (like you don't know)

"Say my name, say my name
If no one is around you,
say "baby I love you"
If you ain't runnin' game.
Say my name, say my name.
You actin' kinda shady,
Ain't callin me baby."

I have decided today that the guy that invented the text message is the very same man that Beyonce and those other two hot black chicks were writing about when they penned "Say My Name." Why? The experience was so terrible he knew he had to find a way he could continue "runnin' game" and never have worry about acting "shady" or using words like "baby." Thus the text message was born... Seriously think about it. 1999-2000, texting got big just a few years after this song came out... I can think of no other explanation. I point this out because tonight while watching basketball and listening to two of my roommates "fake swear" at the screen while playing xbox, I very seriously got my text on. Enjoy.

Around 8:00pm

Becca: So much for lunch this week. j/k. If you still want to I'm still down.
Jake to Becca: Food and your company. I can't think how anyone could not be down.
Becca: :) Cool. So when say ye?
Jake to Becca: Hmm, I'm working all this week during lunch. So next week I'll have to check my schedule.
Jake to Lisa: Whatcha doing?
Becca: We should pick a day or it will never happen.
Jake to Becca: We should pick a day. Pick one and I will see if I can comply.
Becca: Comply? haha you talk like you're 40.
Lisa: Hey I was just thinking about you! Crazy huh?
Jake to Lisa: I don't think that's crazy at all. It's assumed.
Jake to Becca: Funny, I have been accused of that a lot lately.
Jake to Renee: How far away are you? have reception yet?
Becca: Talking weird or being 40?

8:15ish

Jake to Becca: both
Becca: What are you doing right now.
Jake to Becca: Just texting every girl I know trying to score somebody to hug.
Lisa: HA, you wish it was assumed. I just got back from pilates.
Becca: hahaha hows that going for you?
Jake to Lisa: Pilates? Is that like yoga?
Jake to Renee: Do you have reception yet?
Jake to Becca: Well there's this girl whose name rhymes with Trekka that I think I have a major shot with.
Becca: Really, rhymes with Trekka huh? She sounds awesome. I doubt you have a shot with her though.
Lisa: Jake you're playing dumb again. That's not very attractive.
Jake to Lisa: What? Just cause I don't know all the eastern religion mumbo jumbo like Pilates and feung shway and chop suey like you do, doesn't mean you have to hurt my feelings.
Jake to Becca: You're pretty gracious thinking a stranger is "awesome" just cause the sound of their name rhymes with the sound of another word.
Becca: That;s right! People I haven't met who are also awesome, Chuck, Mitt, Mulva, Delores, Rick, Mel, Rex, Enos, and Jorgasm.

8:30ish

Lisa: Oh sorry I didn't know you were such a chick!
Lisa: Yeah, I said it. Baby.
Lisa: Why don't I call the wambulence. Oh here it comes Jake can you hear it?
Jake to Becca: Touche, I too think Jorgasm has got to be awesome.
Jake to Lisa: Um... no sorry I can't hear it are you sure you called it? Or has the hot Bikram made you delirious?
Jake to Renee: Do you have reception yet?
Lisa: Weird I could ha---waaaAAAAaaahh--alled them wait--- waaaAAAaaahh --can you hear me-- over th--wwwaaaAAAAah --Jake
Chelsea: Hey Jake this is Chelsea from the Ward, can we still do FHE at your pad on Mon? You don't have to do anything just provide the house... Let me know, thanks.
Becca: Jorgasm just sounds awesome. I can only imagine the awesomeness if there was more than one Jorgasm in the same place at the same time.
Renee: HEY! Thank you for being annoying as possible. I do have reception, but we are still only in the Fillmore Beaver area.

8:45 pm

Jake to Chelsea: I need to know two things. Will there be food? Will you be coming with a plan to set aside a full 30 minutes to have a heart to heart with me?
Jake to Lisa and Becca and Renee: (laugh sigh laugh sigh) The only thing that surpasses your hilarity is the attractiveness of your legs.
Chelsea: Yes and Yes! Sorry I missed your guys party this weekend. How was it?
Becca: Awe, he likes my legs (swoon)!!!
Lisa: Again with the coincidences I am shaving my legs in the tub as we speak.
Renee: One joke and I get the label "hilarity"?
Jake to Chelsea: It could have only been better if you would have come... ...and if Kristen Bell would've come too.
Jake to Lisa: You're in the tub?
Becca: I'm thinking I should come over. What say ye?
Chelsea: Kristen Bell? Is that the actress who played Veronica Mars? or is that someone else, like a real person you know? lol
Lisa: Yes

9:00 pm

Jake to Renee: The Fillmore Beaver bit is always funny. So do I get to see you tonight?
Jake to Lisa: Is there um... is there water in the tub with you?
Jake to Chelsea: Yes, Veronica Mars, I'm in love with her... I get on her fan page and ask her out every few weeks...
Lisa: Yes
Jake to Becca: I say that your repeated use of the word "ye" makes me uncomfortable. I also say that I would love for you to come by, but I can't tonight.
Renee: Sorry, we are going to get there way too late. Rain check?
Becca: Why not?
Jake to Lisa: If there's water in the tub I'm guessing you don't want to get your clothes wet. Is that correct?
Chelsea: Well good luck with that. I'll look forward to our heart to heart Mr. Halifax.
Lisa: Are you trying to picture me naked or something? I'm starting to feel violated. Of course I'm not wearing my clothes silly boy, I'm in the bath.
Jake to Renee: I'll be awake. Denny's has bomb hot cocoa.
Jake to Becca: I can't do it tonight.
Jake to Lisa: I am picturing you in the tub... don't feel violated though, I can't see any of your bits through the suds. Just you from the collar bone up.
Renee: I'll be too tired. I can barely keep my eyelids up.
Becca: Why?
Jake to Renee: Fair enough, if you need a snuggle to sleep comfortably call me.
Jake to Becca: If I told you I had diarrhea would you be glad that I told you the reason?
Renee: Oh Jake you desperate boy, have a good night and you can try your guile's on my tomorrow.
Lisa: I just stood up, imagine that?
Becca: Eeew nast, no I wouldn't want to know why if that was it. That's not it though.
Jake to Lisa: In my mind I turned around really fast and covered my eyes. I can hear water dripping off your body. You say in a really sexy voice, "Jake could you hand me that towel." I think and look at the towel rack, I say, "I can't without seeing you, um naked." You say in a sexier tone, "Pleeeeaase hand me the towel." Then I get embarrassed, cover my face with my hands and run out of the bathroom squealing.

9:30 pm

Jake to Becca: Well you'll never know now... but I can't. Lets hang this weekend or something.
Lisa: That was WAY cute!!! :) very detailed.
Becca: You suck.
Jake to Lisa: Yeah, I thought the "squealing" was especially creative.
Jake to Becca: I know
Lisa: It was, it made me giggle.
Becca: fine
Lisa: I'm going to be up there this weekend can I see you?
Jake to Becca: pouting is cute... stop trying to seduce me.
Jake to Lisa: yes yes yeS yES YES YES... OH YESSS!
Lisa: Hahaha, Cool.
Becca: I'm not Pouting. I'm gonna kick your ass next time I see you.
Jake to Becca: Ooooh, until then.
Becca: Until then I guess. P to the S (and without my mad face) I think you are an amazing person.
Jake to Lisa: Yes... very cool.

10:00ish

Jake to Lisa and Becca and Renee and Chelsea: Thanks for chatting with me tonight. It was a deeper kind of bonding than I thought I could have with someone via brief text messages. I'm sure that means something profound or significant or paramount or something. So... I think you're pretty rad in case you can't tell.

10:30ish

Becca: You still suck!

This post is best ended by deeply thinking about life and looking stoically off into the distance while listing to Destiny Child's aforementioned smash hit.

Jake

82 comments:

Jade said...

Lisa is awesome, end of story.

Rachael said...

you're such a player. love it. and now i have say my name stuck in my head. Thanks!

michelleFFTL said...

haha what a player. :p

Seneca said...

haha You have to be careful in these situations, one too many times I have sent the wrong txt to the wrong person. Oops. But it looks like you are a smooth operater. :)Props.

Nate said...

I would get lost trying to get my flirt on with four girls at once. It was confusing enough reading you doing it.

Caroline said...

hahahaha! Oh wow, that was, amazing! I've done the talking to multiple people (mostly guys) before with chat and text, but I never pulled the send the same message to all of them at once. gutsy jake, gutsy, yet hilarious at the same time. :-)

TechieGirl said...

I've done this before and I know other girls that have too, but I'm impressed that you pulled it off so well. Most guys aren't that skilled.

Lauren said...

You have some serious texting skills. I thought you were done with Becca, she is kinda lame.

Ashley said...

"Say My Name" is so first year of college...not middle school. Now I feel old.

Alexandra said...

I'm surprised that didn't end in a big train wreck, trying to flirt with, what, three girls at the same time?
Wasn't Becca the one you weren't interested it? Or was that someone else? (You seriously have way too many potential dates- I can't keep track of them. Good grief.)

Lizz said...

I like Renee the best! She seems much less desperate than the others

f1trey said...

LOL this is why monogamy works for me.......

Tara said...

Something is wrong with you. Maybe it's because you are from Utah.

Heather said...

Is it wrong that I almost got a little turned on by Lisa in the tub??? Who gives a crap. I did. Owned.

You freaking crack me up.

Mills said...

This was illuminating. And creepy. Like your blog usually is. I always learn so much, and yet, I've never felt less hope for male decency than I do at this moment.
Emily

Marci Darling said...

I was just waiting for you to send the wrong text message to the wrong girl, haha!

and dude, Becca is all kinds of crazy--leave it alone now!

Chad and Clair said...

Very talented. I feel bad for the girls though...not Becca. She is too pouty. All the 'why not' questions got annoying but the diarrhea things definitely threw her off of that. Good job. I'm married now...but this post is making me question my whole dating life. Did guys do this to me all the time? Eye opener.

Ryan Hadlock said...

Dude, what's wrong with Becca? Not really interested in action from her? It felt like you played the "I can't tonight" card a little fast considering you didn't even have any indication that Renee would be available (and 3 times with the "are you in range yet" - a little desperate).

Emily, what's wrong with text-flirting with multiple girls? If you'll notice the comments from girls above - girls do it too. These guys are young, and not ready to settle down with one woman. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I'm a little surprised at all the double-entendre (and even less subtle sexually-oriented comments) from the ladies, but it's all in good fun I guess.

Addicted said...

I don't know why I keep torturing myself by coming back to this blog. That was very painful to read. I have a headache now. Next time I think it would be more enjoyable to just hit my head between 2 garbage can lids like the grinch.

Sierra said...

Becca bugs me.

Seneca said...

To: Ryan Hadlock
When I called Jake a "smooth operator" I didn't mean that in a sexual way. I often say things that have sexual inuendo without realizing it. So I hope you weren't commenting on my comment....but just in case I wanted to clarify. :D

Whitney said...

Renee is the best, only for saying "Fillmore Beaver area". I call my family everytime I am driving through just so that I can say that to them.

Shelby Lou said...

Becca sounds like me, Lisa is hilar, and Renee is on to you. Chelsea, has no interest whatsoever. She just needs somewhere to have FHE in order to fufill the calling.

YOU on the other hand... Jake, are my favorite. So funny, such a guy, and totally awesome. We should be friends. ok.. ok.

bahaha this was awesome.

Shelby Lou said...

Becca sounds like me, Lisa is hilar, and Renee is on to you. Chelsea, has no interest whatsoever. She just needs somewhere to have FHE in order to fufill the calling.

YOU on the other hand... Jake, are my favorite. So funny, such a guy, and totally awesome. We should be friends. ok.. ok.

bahaha this was awesome.

Matt said...

You know I got married 7 years ago, and texting was still pretty new... this kind of stuff didn't work because there were lots of people who still didn't even know how to text... (sigh) I remember teaching girls how to do it even - I digress.

This was cool to see for someone who has been out of the game for a while. A new evolved way to communicate that I'd didn't realize would be applied to dating quite like this.

CaLLie.ANN said...

Play on, player.
Touche'.

Val Hunter said...

I'm so dizzy from reading all of this, BARF!

~kiMbeRLy~ said...

Callie Ann stole my comment and now I got nothing...

The "Say My Name" bit was pure brilliance.

Oh. Renee. Is. Awesome.

Ryan Hadlock said...

Seneca, I was referring to the girls he's texting.

Heather said...

I thought you dropped Becca? Go for Lisa. She's too awesome for words.

P.S. Whatever happened with Andrea? Have you heard from her since your month of silence?

Thome said...

I'm suprised that girls don't think guys can do the multiple text convos. This is almost a nightly occurance for me, AND I usually do it while hopping on one foot and rubbing my belly......just sayin

federica said...

aaaaaaaamazing.

Alexandria said...

I have tried this before and ended up sending the wrong text messages to the wrong people. It crashed and burned...

You are obviously a far more skilled player than I...

Becca sounds desperate and Lisa is hilarious!

Lacrosselife said...

hahaha, but just as an FYI to you, some phones can tell that you sent the same message to more than one person - kind of like when you email things to more than one person. Me and my friend found this out when she got a text from this guy asking about her plans for the weekend... needless to say her phone showed that the text had been sent to 6 other phones. I am impressed with your skills, but just be careful you don't get bit in the butt...

Autumn said...

you know what would have made this even funnier? (although I was laughing the whole time in class. I was reading it in my American Foundations class.) If you would have gotten mixed up and send a text message to the wrong girl. you're such a player. But hey, it gets you hugs and flirtatious comments huh?

Autumn said...

And lisa is awesome! I must say! :] LDS?

Alexandra said...

Lacrosselife- Now that you mention it, I'm pretty sure my phone does that, too. (And my phone was cheap-o.)
Dun dun duuuun!

Girl Meets Gun said...

young boys are so funny.

KatOfDiamonds said...

oh em gee.

not that i haven't sent multiple identical text myself but

oh em gee!

Kimkidoni said...

Hilarious! The end was the best.

Brittany said...

lol this post was great! I also want to know what the status with the Andrea "break" is!??

Sara said...

So... Do yall ever get scared that one of the girls you're dating will read this blog and be onto you? I'm kinda nervous. In fact with all the boys I'm dating, I think, "Could he be Jake-ing me right now?" Or "Have I just been Calvin-ized?"

Erin said...

I suspect that I will from now on be ever paranoid when a guy starts to text me.

Krys said...

haha, Jake, you player. I almost couldn't keep all your conversations straight. I do like Lisa. :)

just me said...

I'm so glad I'm married and NOT living in Utah's meat market district. Ugh.

Anonymous said...

Hey this is "Chelsea" thanks for being a total jerk.

Jane said...

I'd like to thank this blog for singlehandedly istilling deep-seated trust issues in me, and for causing me to despair of the entire male sex.

Jane said...

instilling. I meant instilling.

Samantha Kay said...

First off I'd like to confess a secret...
I sing that song about five times a day. No, seriously.
Second off...
You'd better watch your back Jake.
Playa might get played. :D

Seneca said...

Oh....

Emily Sue said...

This is my absolute favorite post. my favorite part was this:

Jake to Lisa and Becca and Renee: (laugh sigh laugh sigh) The only thing that surpasses your hilarity is the attractiveness of your legs.

hahahaah. i love texting multiple people. but, autumn's right you have to be careful so it doesn't get mixed up.

Declarations of a Drama Diva said...

Ah... so your interested in Renee. Then I assume Lisa... and then Becca. I assume you only flirted with Chelsea because it was convienient. ha ha. lol.

Also... doesn't it suck. Those we are most interested in... aren't as interested in us. I wonder what this dating rule is called. Hmm... Maybe Mat's Law (yes I spelled it wrong on purpose... because the person who we really like walks all over us... like a door mat) Yup.

You're suffering from Mat's Law... Oh I feel the need to blog about this new theory. *grin*

Declarations of a Drama Diva said...

p.s.
I think it's ridiculous you mass text... single texts.... How do you do it so it doesn't show the forward sign?

Bri said...

Jake you used to be my favorite but not anymore. The longer you are off your mission I guess the real jerk side of you is coming out. I think after your recent posts I like Calvin more because you are turning into such a jerk.

Zabes-Yap said...

ha ha.... that is the song I end up singing in the shower...

how depressing... you were texting all of those girls...

Allison said...

Wow. I do NOT even know how you do that. Serious props, man. Wow.

Tera said...

So what happened to the "asshat" person? Did they give up trying to expose you?

S said...

I think I'm a fan of Renee. Love Becca's last text.

Nikki said...

More proof that I am old. Annoying as hell, all of it. No offense. Games are for kids...good for you guys.

colleenroselle said...

for once im gonna have to agree with Nikki. this was gayyyy

Karina said...

Jake is a smooth operator. ;)

Jade said...

Jake drop Becca she reminds me of a leech, all clingly and won't let go.

Anonymous said...

Jake lets get married. this post just makes me want you so bad.

Rachel said...

Wow. I'm dizzy, and slightly confused. And I have no idea what rhymes with "Mel," unless it's an abbreviation.
Sometimes when one mass texts, especially if there are mutual friendships/phone contacts or on the same network, it'll show up as "sent to" and then list the others. Just so ya know.

Gus, BYU Dude said...

To those who think Jake is a player: Get over yourselves. Jake's not tied down, he's not dating anyone seriously.

Guys, and girls, have done this lots. What is hilarious are the accusations of being a player.

Now, if he had led them on to believe that he was only dating them, i.e.; a serious relationship, then it would be flirting.

Texting multiple girls at once is not a crime or a transgression.

Rock on Jake!

Tiffany said...

I laughed my head off again! thanks

Alexa said...

You are a complete idiot and disgust me. How could you be so disrespectful of girls?! They are so nieve. They don't get it! How could you take advantage of them like that? Don't you have any sense of goodness? I don't care if you were just "joking." Behind every joke is half a truth. It's men like you who make it hard to find a righteous man in the world. I glad I read this so I could see how men like you REALLY think and so I can better protect myself. Good ridence.

Women, don't degrade yourself to such a man.

Kirsten said...

Alexa at 12:10PM

LOVE IT! :D

Tara said...

SO FUNNY! Your post is okay, but the comments are HILAR!!!

These girls who hate you for texting 4 girls in the same evening must live in the bubble that everyone always talks about.

Seriously girls how old are you? How many boys have you been out with? You are naive.

Ha ha ha, I love this blog even more the more you expose the ignorance of the members of your own church simply by being honest.

Nate said...

It's not like the girls weren't texting other guys too. I bet Renee was getting her flirt on with someone else. ;-)

Amy said...

As we said in the late 90's: Smooooth!

And again I am LMAO!!
You def. deserve the label of "hilarity" with this post.

Thanks for the holiday cheer!

Anonymous said...

WOW... you are an idiot. i HATE guys like you. Guys like you are the reason this church is failing. I am insulted entirely that you served a mission AND treat women like this. It doesnt make sence. I dont have a problem with talking to multiple people at once, but leading them to believe that you are extremely interested is completely wrong. ewwww im SO SO disgusted.
- Jessica Lucas

Bad Horse said...

Jessica, how on earth is the Church failing? If people leave the church, I doubt it is because a pair of boys act like boys. Heck, they're better than most boys in the world since they're usually only after a makeout, not sex.

Also, it's called flirting. Flirting isn't exactly leading people on. It depends on the situation, obviously. Even so, you're over-reacting.

Anonymous said...

I don't think they were talking about the multiple texting to different girls or flirting.

I think they are talking about how they treat girls just like a form of physical pleasure rather than as actually beings.

Anonymous said...

for example http://mormonbachelorpad.blogspot.com/2009/11/final-make-out.html

how he said it was going to be even better because she wasn't going to know it was the last time making out but he did... something to that effect. disrespectful.

Bad Horse said...

Anonymous - You do realize his thoughts for Tori as an example right? You know the man-whore girl who thinks a date is is going to a cave with a bunch of other guys and not even seeing each other there, the girl who was involved in the Mormon orgy of cuddling and whatever else and didn't notice that Jake was there until he left.

Yeah, that Tori. If it was any other girl, perhaps you'd have a good argument. But considering all they were, were make-out buddies, that argument doesn't fly. Sorry bub.

Anonymous said...

I highly doubt "Tori" is the only girl he has treated that way! im almost positive there has been plenty of sweet "good" girls he has had that wrong mind set with

originalbarbie_13 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

WHY are you stringing becki along??

Gus, BYU Dude said...

I think it is because Jake thinks Becca is a total cat, and he is just being catty with her.

Ashley Lois said...

that was so confusing. but totally enjoyable! makes me wonder who my guy friends are texting when they're texting me...

Debi said...

Hahahaha! Guys like you are the reason this group was created: http://www.facebook.com/pages/awwnow-how-many-other-girls-are-you-saying-this-too-jerk/211578597451?ref=ts

:P