Remember that song by Destiny's Child, "Say My Name" (I know that's sooo middle school dance right?) It goes: (like you don't know)
"Say my name, say my name
If no one is around you,
say "baby I love you"
If you ain't runnin' game.
Say my name, say my name.
You actin' kinda shady,
Ain't callin me baby."
I have decided today that the guy that invented the text message is the very same man that Beyonce and those other two hot black chicks were writing about when they penned "Say My Name." Why? The experience was so terrible he knew he had to find a way he could continue "runnin' game" and never have worry about acting "shady" or using words like "baby." Thus the text message was born... Seriously think about it. 1999-2000, texting got big just a few years after this song came out... I can think of no other explanation. I point this out because tonight while watching basketball and listening to two of my roommates "fake swear" at the screen while playing xbox, I very seriously got my text on. Enjoy.
Becca: So much for lunch this week. j/k. If you still want to I'm still down.
Jake to Becca: Food and your company. I can't think how anyone could not be down.
Becca: :) Cool. So when say ye?
Jake to Becca: Hmm, I'm working all this week during lunch. So next week I'll have to check my schedule.
Jake to Lisa: Whatcha doing?
Becca: We should pick a day or it will never happen.
Jake to Becca: We should pick a day. Pick one and I will see if I can comply.
Becca: Comply? haha you talk like you're 40.
Lisa: Hey I was just thinking about you! Crazy huh?
Jake to Lisa: I don't think that's crazy at all. It's assumed.
Jake to Becca: Funny, I have been accused of that a lot lately.
Jake to Renee: How far away are you? have reception yet?
Becca: Talking weird or being 40?
Jake to Becca: both
Becca: What are you doing right now.
Jake to Becca: Just texting every girl I know trying to score somebody to hug.
Lisa: HA, you wish it was assumed. I just got back from pilates.
Becca: hahaha hows that going for you?
Jake to Lisa: Pilates? Is that like yoga?
Jake to Renee: Do you have reception yet?
Jake to Becca: Well there's this girl whose name rhymes with Trekka that I think I have a major shot with.
Becca: Really, rhymes with Trekka huh? She sounds awesome. I doubt you have a shot with her though.
Lisa: Jake you're playing dumb again. That's not very attractive.
Jake to Lisa: What? Just cause I don't know all the eastern religion mumbo jumbo like Pilates and feung shway and chop suey like you do, doesn't mean you have to hurt my feelings.
Jake to Becca: You're pretty gracious thinking a stranger is "awesome" just cause the sound of their name rhymes with the sound of another word.
Becca: That;s right! People I haven't met who are also awesome, Chuck, Mitt, Mulva, Delores, Rick, Mel, Rex, Enos, and Jorgasm.
Lisa: Oh sorry I didn't know you were such a chick!
Lisa: Yeah, I said it. Baby.
Lisa: Why don't I call the wambulence. Oh here it comes Jake can you hear it?
Jake to Becca: Touche, I too think Jorgasm has got to be awesome.
Jake to Lisa: Um... no sorry I can't hear it are you sure you called it? Or has the hot Bikram made you delirious?
Jake to Renee: Do you have reception yet?
Lisa: Weird I could ha---waaaAAAAaaahh--alled them wait--- waaaAAAaaahh --can you hear me-- over th--wwwaaaAAAAah --Jake
Chelsea: Hey Jake this is Chelsea from the Ward, can we still do FHE at your pad on Mon? You don't have to do anything just provide the house... Let me know, thanks.
Becca: Jorgasm just sounds awesome. I can only imagine the awesomeness if there was more than one Jorgasm in the same place at the same time.
Renee: HEY! Thank you for being annoying as possible. I do have reception, but we are still only in the Fillmore Beaver area.
Jake to Chelsea: I need to know two things. Will there be food? Will you be coming with a plan to set aside a full 30 minutes to have a heart to heart with me?
Jake to Lisa and Becca and Renee: (laugh sigh laugh sigh) The only thing that surpasses your hilarity is the attractiveness of your legs.
Chelsea: Yes and Yes! Sorry I missed your guys party this weekend. How was it?
Becca: Awe, he likes my legs (swoon)!!!
Lisa: Again with the coincidences I am shaving my legs in the tub as we speak.
Renee: One joke and I get the label "hilarity"?
Jake to Chelsea: It could have only been better if you would have come... ...and if Kristen Bell would've come too.
Jake to Lisa: You're in the tub?
Becca: I'm thinking I should come over. What say ye?
Chelsea: Kristen Bell? Is that the actress who played Veronica Mars? or is that someone else, like a real person you know? lol
Jake to Renee: The Fillmore Beaver bit is always funny. So do I get to see you tonight?
Jake to Lisa: Is there um... is there water in the tub with you?
Jake to Chelsea: Yes, Veronica Mars, I'm in love with her... I get on her fan page and ask her out every few weeks...
Jake to Becca: I say that your repeated use of the word "ye" makes me uncomfortable. I also say that I would love for you to come by, but I can't tonight.
Renee: Sorry, we are going to get there way too late. Rain check?
Becca: Why not?
Jake to Lisa: If there's water in the tub I'm guessing you don't want to get your clothes wet. Is that correct?
Chelsea: Well good luck with that. I'll look forward to our heart to heart Mr. Halifax.
Lisa: Are you trying to picture me naked or something? I'm starting to feel violated. Of course I'm not wearing my clothes silly boy, I'm in the bath.
Jake to Renee: I'll be awake. Denny's has bomb hot cocoa.
Jake to Becca: I can't do it tonight.
Jake to Lisa: I am picturing you in the tub... don't feel violated though, I can't see any of your bits through the suds. Just you from the collar bone up.
Renee: I'll be too tired. I can barely keep my eyelids up.
Jake to Renee: Fair enough, if you need a snuggle to sleep comfortably call me.
Jake to Becca: If I told you I had diarrhea would you be glad that I told you the reason?
Renee: Oh Jake you desperate boy, have a good night and you can try your guile's on my tomorrow.
Lisa: I just stood up, imagine that?
Becca: Eeew nast, no I wouldn't want to know why if that was it. That's not it though.
Jake to Lisa: In my mind I turned around really fast and covered my eyes. I can hear water dripping off your body. You say in a really sexy voice, "Jake could you hand me that towel." I think and look at the towel rack, I say, "I can't without seeing you, um naked." You say in a sexier tone, "Pleeeeaase hand me the towel." Then I get embarrassed, cover my face with my hands and run out of the bathroom squealing.
Jake to Becca: Well you'll never know now... but I can't. Lets hang this weekend or something.
Lisa: That was WAY cute!!! :) very detailed.
Becca: You suck.
Jake to Lisa: Yeah, I thought the "squealing" was especially creative.
Jake to Becca: I know
Lisa: It was, it made me giggle.
Lisa: I'm going to be up there this weekend can I see you?
Jake to Becca: pouting is cute... stop trying to seduce me.
Jake to Lisa: yes yes yeS yES YES YES... OH YESSS!
Lisa: Hahaha, Cool.
Becca: I'm not Pouting. I'm gonna kick your ass next time I see you.
Jake to Becca: Ooooh, until then.
Becca: Until then I guess. P to the S (and without my mad face) I think you are an amazing person.
Jake to Lisa: Yes... very cool.
Jake to Lisa and Becca and Renee and Chelsea: Thanks for chatting with me tonight. It was a deeper kind of bonding than I thought I could have with someone via brief text messages. I'm sure that means something profound or significant or paramount or something. So... I think you're pretty rad in case you can't tell.
Becca: You still suck!
This post is best ended by deeply thinking about life and looking stoically off into the distance while listing to Destiny Child's aforementioned smash hit.