Thursday, December 17, 2009

Why does the fart have to be so taboo?

Finished my last final yesterday, Math 1050. Got an A, a 96% in fact. Finally (sigh) proof that I am awesome.

Sanders and I had a conversation that went further than I thought I'd be comfortable with. However, after talking, I felt really good about it. It wasn't a "we're gonna get married" convo, stop jumping the gun like you're watching the WB. It was more of a "if, by some twist of fate, everything works out perfectly, and we are both in love... with, each other, and still believe in the sanctity of marriage, and don't put on 180 pounds, and aren't bored with each other in the least, and we got married, then, if all of those things are true, how would it work?" convo... Just so we're clear.

Anyway, we started talking about how many kids we both wanted and whether we would drive them all around in a minivan or an SUV. She got frustrated because I made it pretty hard to work it all out smoothly. See I hate SUV's, for a couple reasons. One they are extremely impractical in 99 out of 100 situations. Two, and more importantly, I hate most of the people who drive them. SUV's for me are on the same shelf with Ed Hardy shirts, sideways peace signs and pucker face pictures, and popped collars. So what I am saying is SUV's = Douchebag. What? You drive an SUV? Oh... well I'd be sorry, but we all know that SUV owners tend to be, in part, more selfish, self-centered, narcissistic, insecure and vain than their car-driving peers. Oh yes they do. There have been studies. Study it.

Anyway, minivans have a pretty negative connotation too. I can already read the 20 comments that haven't been written about how mini-vans are a "Utah Mormon" thing. Right, and we can talk about Green Jello and carrots after, except that minivan sales by state have Utah ranked 14th per capita behind the we're-hipper-than-you States of New York, California, and Texas. Regardless, I don't love minivans either. I like sedans.

Which doesn't work with the 8-12 kids I want to have. Sanders says she only wants 3. I asked if that's so that when we went on family trips they could fit in a sedan. She said no, because she only wanted to have three. I said no problem, have as many as you want and we can adopt the rest. She said she should have known that my narcissism had developed an unhealthy desire to raise up lots of little Jakeys. I said whatever psychosomatic mumbo jumbo was the reason that I did want lots of kids. She said my narcissism was cute, and just barely tolerable. I pointed out that she needed to understand that my narcissism wasn't the same kind that I was talking about when I was ragging on SUV owners. She said my hypocrisy was cute. She is cute.

Anyway, I was going to talk about how inconvenient it actually is that farting is such a taboo thing to do. I had the opportunity to hear the Apostle, Elder Quentin Cook speak at a lunch thingy today. After having just had a jalapeno burger from Carl's Junior I had some mad gas. Well, there were like 200 people in the room and I had to fart. I was concentrating so much on holding it in and not sqeaking a peeper that I could focus on nothing else.

Why is farting so bad? Really? I mean coughing is gross, so is sneezing, and people do that in public without major embarrassment all the time. If I could have just let a couple go today, I would have been fine. Instead I spent the meeting repeatedly clenching and relaxing just enough to make sure nothing slipped out, and I didn't hear a word the man said. The Apostle was trumped by my gas. It just isn't right. I can't help that food gives me gas. What if Cook's dissertation on "morality in business" would have changed my life. It may have been the greatest news I would have ever heard. Yet I missed out because farting is such a "bad" thing. Can you imagine if I was at the sermon on the mount and I had to fart.

I think we, the human race, should eliminate this problem. Join me in my quest for a Free to Fart America. It will only work if you can fart confidently in front of others and if when people fart you can refrain from causing a big scene whether it's laughter or disgust. You can actually catch something from a cough or a sneeze. Nobody gets sick from a fart. Yet farts are received with laughter and mockery, and coughs score a "bless you" from anyone within ear shot. Next time I hear a "fffrrrrtttt-ftt-fffffrrr woosh ffrrt-t - ttt", I am going to say, "bless you." Seriously people, is holding your farts worth missing out on enlightenment and possibly eternal salvation?

-Jake

70 comments:

Ashley said...

I'm sad there are no comments yet. I'm looking forward to them. I was laughing out loud almost the entire time I read this. You should definitely discuss farting with Sanders so when you get married you'll be on the same page.

Ford Motor Co said...

Jake,

This wasn't the arrangement when we wanted you to advertise the new line of Ford SUVs...

Consider our relationship revoked.

f1trey said...

LOL Im done...just cant follow anymore.

Sierra said...

I've never thought it from that perspective. I see your point, though.

Also, you're so right about the SUV thing

Lauren said...

You and Sanders are so getting married...

I am anti minivan. I will drive my camry until it is necessary that I get something bigger, which hopefully won't be for quite some time.

Kellie said...

You're gross.

I'm anti minivan and anti SUV. Because you're right. Mini vans are lame and SUVs are douchebaggy. But you just can't fit 8-12 kids in a sedan. Well, you can. Just not safely.

alyssa said...

when someone coughs, sneezes, or farts in my presence, i have an overwhelming urge to say, "congratulations." *shrug*

Schneiderdoodle said...

Farts are funny. End of story.

Brad said...

I thought the Honda Pilot was the Mormon Wagon?

Fart when you want, just don't do it in the middle of the key while playing church ball. That made me sick!!

Brit O'Connor said...

Farts smell- that's why I don't enjoy them. My husband has to get up and walk into the other room if he has to fart. Farting on the couch right next to me will make me want to vomit.

When I sneeze or cough, it doesn't smell like rotten eggs. :)

And suvs are a thousand times better than mini-vans.

Anonymous said...

What? SUVs don't = douchebag in Utah, california YES. But with the snow in Utah why wouldn't you get an SUV. Also, if you get in an accident with your 10 kids your SUV will kill the other driver. SO they die and your family lives. Having a SUV is like having a gun, it's for your own protection.

Anonymous said...

How about you invest in Beano or Gas X and spare the world of your gas. The reason farting is gross is because literal gas is being removed through your anus. YUCK! I do not want to inhale your butt fumes. Anyting exiting your body, I don't want entering mine. Next thing you know you'll be espousing defacating in in public too.

Shelby Lou said...

I agree with Anon. Having a SUV is like having a gun, it's for your own protection. When, I have children, I will probably have one of those monster vans though. Since, I want about the same as you do. (You are my kind of man in that category!) Probably, not, but probably.

Farting can make someone sick. I have almost vomited all over a game of uno one night when someone farted without saying anything. You know, silent but deadly. I thought I was the only one who smelt it, come to figure out... everyone was, besides one person, and they all had horrible stomach aches that night before bed. GROSS.

Jade said...

Farts are funny end of story... but I definitely do not enjoy breathing other peoples farts, it makes me want to throw up.

Mini-vans= wienie mobile, SUV's =awesomeness, Pickup trucks= sexiness.

But if you want 8-12 kids, looks like you'll be driving one of those big long 15 passenger rapist vans, that's gonna be CUTE!

YMA said...

hahaha- Farting is funny, I giggled like a school girl through your entire post.

It reminds me of an experience like a month ago when a friend and I were walking out of the temple and as we walked down the sidewalk she just let one rip. Ha ha, I can't even type about it without laughing, but I thought 'I wonder how long she held that in...the entire session?' wow. hahaha.

I'm going to be looking for the "Fart Free America" group on Facebook...

p.s. Sanders is my fave!

Amy said...

Farts smell bad. It's nasty. But really, I don't get what the big deal is. Everyone farts, so honestly, whats so bad about them as long as you plug your nose afterwards?

By the way, Jake, I was meaning to ask you, do you really think you and I would make beautiful babies? HA! That Christmas card really made me crack up. Everyone who got a MBP card probably had a really good day that day. The End.

Anonymous said...

"Having an SUV is like having a gun." - said the douchebag

kelly anne said...

when i have too many kids to fit in my car, i'm getting a limo.

Tay said...

I've been driving a minivan since I got my license. And I like it.

I also think it's ridiculous to drive a vehicle you need a ladder just to get in. And it's ridiculous to expect people to not make fun of you if they see you trying to get in.

Farting in public should be silently accepted, so long as it doesn't smell like death.

Anonymous said...

Oh Jake. I can't wait for your wake-up call. Some day you'll be busy trying to figure out how to be a good husband and father, stressing over providing food and housing for your ever growing family... and the car you drive will be the least of your worries.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Heh heh heh, I didn't talk about stink because my farts don't smell... they are odorless.

Sorry.

-j

Calvin said...

Jake is right. As long as you're not in the 5 foot radius kill zone, they ARE odorless. They're thick, but dissipate quickly.

colleenroselle said...

ha this is funny because i heard a little christmas song this morning sung by children that says..."I farted on santa's lap".


my sister farts all the time around the house. I HATE IT. but luckily I rarely get gas. wow this is TMI


8-12 children. really? I'm kinda sick of these huge Dugger families....

Kam and Jord said...

I still think you should go for Andrea, but you know what, it doesn't really matter what I think.... Dude, you were so whooped over her at first.

Devin & Ruthann said...

You make a great argument with the Free to Fart America campaign. Everything you said is totally true. (And very entertaining and funny!)

One of my favorite posts!

Anonymous said...

all the guys i know fart in front of people all the time

Lachele said...

Lame, I think all you SUV haters are just jealous you can't afford the gas, the insurance or the payments. I have an SUV, and I think they're absolutely fantastic! Losers....... ha

Farting...hmmm well, other than the fact that the noise itself can be quite comical(thats why I laugh) I know I'm inmature...23 and laughing at farts....whatever. It's nasty cause it smells, and alot of time the smell lingers....ugh nuff said!

Anonymous said...

"SUV haters are just jealous you can't afford the gas, the insurance or the payments."

- said the douchebag

Allison said...

Haha- I LOVE Sanders! She is the bomb. :D And I would drive a minivan.. I'm sorry. And you'd have to be AWFULLY rich to raise 8-12 kids.. :D


Free to Fart America!!

Jeff said...

Anon - All the guys you know fart in front of apostles?

Jade said...

"As long as you're not in the 5 foot radius kill zone, they ARE odorless." says Calvin,

Calvin that made me laugh more than Jake's entire post did!

Kimkidoni said...

"The more you fart the better you feel..."

Seriously. I'll join you in your quest.

MomBabe said...

So long as you don't fart under the covers while she's in bed with you, you're fine. Otherwise, that's just wrong on so many levels.

And also, not only do I drive a SUV, I drive a Yukon XL. Know why? Because you can put 3 carseats on on bench. Can't do that in a minivan. I tried.

Declarations of a Drama Diva said...

Question:

Why didn't you just leave the room... do your thing... and then return?

singlemormonchick said...

jake- will you expound a little on why you want so many kids?

when i got married at 20, i said my limit was 6. mr soldier of fortune wanted 1, maybe 2. we compromised on 3, maybe 4 and ended up with none. i guess my point is that life has a way of changing everything. you and sanders(or whoever you end up marrying)will work it out. all these pre req's fall to the wayside when you fall in love and your life is unfolding in front of you. she will either sacrifice her uterus and figure for your lofty goals or you will realize you dont need to have enough kids for your own sports team. it all works out in the end.

Anonymous said...

I have never heard anyone put coughing and sneezing in the same category. Regardless, when one sneezes or coughs they to don impose a foul odor in to the limited air supply of others in the room, thus creating the scene you speak of. So good luck in try to change to human race. :-)

Candice said...

The average person farts 14 times a day. The only thing you do more is breathe.
And in my family, we have farting contests...

Tonja +Jere + Kids said...

girls don't fart. 0_o

Itsagirlsworld said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
stephie said...

I am officially LOVING mbp!! I will join your farting group so very quickly BUT whats your opinion on burping because that completely grosses me out!!

Ps I may or may not have accidentally commented when I was on my moms blog OOPS!

Cam said...

Alright Jake you will be happy to know that my husband and I were in Costco tonight and some guy totally let one rip. I was trying so hard not to giggle. That will probably be you in 20 years...

Jillian said...

I kind of have to agree with the whole SUV thing. HOWEVER, mini-van drivers should be taken to Wendover and fenced in and not allowed to leave. Just sayin...

I don't get why people think farting is immature...I find it to be one of life's great joys. It makes you feel less pressure and bloat and can be comical in the right setting. Now don't get me wrong, I did get a little grossed out when I was in the temple and the lady in front of me in the session had the raunchiest case of gas EVER the entire hour and a half (oh, and it was Salt Lake Temple, so there was A LOT of movement going on)! *sigh* That could be one of the reasons I haven't been back for like 8 years.

Seneca said...

Wow. As I am reading this, the person next to me tooted. Yes, I say tooted, because the other word was considered the F word by my grandmother, I just can't say it. I think tooting is gross, I don't want to smell that air that has been there! Hello? And all I want is a Jeep Wrangler. :D

T. L. C. said...

Jake, hands down this was the best post ever for making me laugh!
I laughed so hard!
Oh heck, I'm still laughing!

"The Apostle was trumped by my gas." --Best Line!

Why 8-12 kids???

Julie said...

I want to make you aware of the fact that when you exceed 6 children a minivan is no longer an option. Max capacity in some minivans is 8. After that it is the 15 passenger van.

In our family we pass gas freely...however, we shun the word "Fart". We opt for a much more mature description. We refer to all gases passed as "Warm earthy smells". How is this used in context??

Example: "Hey, who produced that warm earthy smell?" At which point we all crack-up, gag or pass out.

Sadie said...

My roommate and I (that I share a room with) decided that we are each entitled to one morning fart when we wake up. It's now just understood. Perfect.

Also, 8-12?! Way to multiply and replenish!!! Yeesh!

Nikki said...

Leave it to a horny RM to throw out the 8-12 kids mucky muck. Just so you know, you can have sex other than for the purpose of procreating. And I guess you can have an opinion on the massive puppy squeezing as soon as you can shoot one out of your peter.
My son informed me not too long ago that a fart is actually a microscopic poop, so yes it is more disgusting than a sneeze or a cough. No offense to spit it is up there in the disgusting market, but tiny shit that smells like you took a dump trumps spit all day long. And for those who think that renaming a sound that comes out your ass makes you more refined than the rest of us who call it a fart...cool. But remember that a burp from either end still stinks no matter what you call it! I'm OUT!
PS. SUV's are for the LDS stripper mall mom's who wanna be MILF's to the deacons and the minivan is for the pill popping overworked stay at home mom with rollers in her hair faking it that she loves her life with a man strapped to her back and nasty babies sucking her teets...

Nikki said...

:)

Camille Elise said...

Hahahaha...I've had a gas issue for as long as I can remember. I don't think it's good for your intestines to hold them in. I really don't. I think I have permanent damage to my insides from all the bubbles that have circulated for hours because I was in public.

I will protest this private farting issue too. I can't stand it any more. And I'm sorry, Gas-X and Beano do NOT cut it. (Haha...PUN)

S said...

Next time I hear someone fart I am saying Bless You, I can't wait to see the look on my Dad's face :)

Nate said...

I guess give me a huge excavator to drive... http://xkcd.com/677/

Alexandra said...

Driving an SUV doesn't automatically mean you're a dbag. Hummers? Yes (See Demetri Martin's sketch on this one...). Escalades? In my opinion, yeah. If you get an SUV that can carry a small country at 6 miles to the gallon, pretty much everyone but other SUV drivers think you're nuts. Small and midsize SUVs, though, not so much.

And I love the xkcd comic Nate provided!

Katie said...

hahah....this was a hilarious post. and the comments made it even better. I never really thought of the farting thing that way, I guess it makes sense, even though they smell. My roommate farts freely and see's nothing wrong with it. As do my brother in laws...but they are noxious. Just so you know, holding in a fart is not good for you...in some way that I can't remember.
And I'm pretty sure SUV's and Mini-vans just suck all around. I love how cars have connotations surrounding them. Like, subarus. Only liberals drive them.

April Annie said...

Nikki's bitter. Too many rides around the block in the minivan with rollers in her hair.

20 Something said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
20 Something said...

I laughed through this entire post! You guys are hillarious.

The comments from the Douchebags, Further proof that you they are douchebags.

Rog said...

Jake - so you never mentioned gas guzzling or anything, yet you get crap for it. Don't you guys ever defend yourselves?

Also, I'd be interested to hear what it is that you drive.

Anonymous said...

"Can you imagine if I was at the sermon on the mount and I had to fart?"

hahahahahaha

If you missed out on the Be Attitudes because you were holding in a fart that would be a tragedy, I'm sure Jesus would understand though if you just let loose.

Brenda said...

I obviously don't frequent your blog often enough. When I get behind and have to read about mice and spit soda and farts all in one sitting it's more than my stomach can handle.
Oh, and I met Elder Cook on Sunday. I was holing my 4 month old while he was setting my father in law apart as stake president and I'm pretty sure she farted at least a dozen times during the setting apart. It was super reverent.
Cool moms drive Acadias

Lachele said...

Pretty sure the loser who leaves anonymous comments calling people who drive SUV's douchebags are just over compensating for something..... just sayin'.... I'm not judging...drive what you want. Who the hell cares? I drive one.. cause I like it, you probably drive a p.o.s cause either you can't afford anything nicer, or cause it's inpractical for you for whatever reason.

Anonymous said...

Agree with Nikki - DUH - you can still have sex even if you aren't making babies - good grief, give the poor woman a break. Trust me you would rather have a happy Mom of 3 than a grumpy Mom of 8.
Also - SUV's are awesome, if you have a lot of kids ... and you live on a nasty dirt road that is not maintained and only accesible by 4x4... and you are constantly hauling your neighbors in their stupid little sedans out of the ditch... I HATE sedans! SUV's rule!
If an SUV and a sedan get into it on the road - guess who's kids are still gonna have the cute face and whose kid's face is going to be seriously mashed? Nuff said!

Steven said...

Sneezes and coughs don't smell like the inside of a rotton stomach. That might have something to do with the seperation there.

However, I do agree that people shouldn't have to sit there and have a NDGE (near death gas experience) whenever in public.

Did you let a test fart out? If it doesn't smell you have the green light. If it does... just look at the guy in front of you in discust!

Kimberly said...

Jake, you are genius! I agree 100% with you. Amen brother, A MEN!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe that people are focusing on the farting part of the post when in the first part of the post, a Mormon Bachelor is talking about marriage. I think that is a little more interesting....

Anonymous said...

I agree about sedans over SUVs or minivans. I drive a Honda Accord and will never drive anything else. Granted, I only have 3 kids so it will work.

Although, Jake, if you REALLY want 8-12 kids, which I still think you may be teasing us about, there is a way for you to get what you want. There was a family in my ward growing up with 8 kids and they didn't want to drive a huge vehicle so they always took 2 sedans wherever they went. Perhaps inconvenient at times, but it worked really well for them.

That is all. You guys make me smile!

Anonymous said...

My advice for having kids is to just have them one at a time. I came from a large family and always wanted to have 12 kids, but while I was pregnant with my first I came upon some troubles. When I was pregnant with my second, the doctor told me I shouldn't have more than 3. I was pretty heartbroken and I've realized to just take what the Lord gives you and go by the spirit. If you feel like you should have another child, then do so, but don't be focused on a number. It is good to talk about that before you get married though.

Anonymous said...

I love that you and Sanders talked about marriage!! And, SUV's are not always driven buy douchebags. When its in a city or suburban area, yeah, those are douchebags. But if you live, say where I do, in the mountains and if you want to even leave the house you need a big 4x4 to get out of the drive way and keep the kiddos safe... then its not douchebaggy, its necessary. Don't be so quick to stereotype.

-Amber

Ryan Hadlock said...

I thought wearing Ed Hardy T-shirts and having porcupine hair made one a douchebag? I don't think SUV's define a person - maybe the way they drive it, sure, but not the truck itself. Neither does a mini-van, but whatever - to each his own.

Get an Audi All-Road or an A4 wagon. Super cool, plenty of room and you can put kids 1-3 in the back seat and then stack kids 4-12 in the back area like firewood, strapping them down with bungee cords. That'll work to get you down to the wardhouse or the Chuck-O-Rama. Might have to provide them with a DSi or something to get further than that. Whatever you get make sure it's all-wheel drive or 4x if in fact you really live in Utah - you know, for the winter and mountain sports and everything...

artsyesque said...

I have to say I whole-heartedly agree with your general assessment of SUV drivers. For that reason I will probably never have one. Unless I'm given one, of course. I can't turn down free stuff. But then there's the gas mileage thing, which soooo isn't free so we're back to no SUV's. And now I sound old...

Anonymous said...

So where do farting girls fall on the OS scale? If you really mean what you say, then girls have the same farting rights as you.. without sacrificing attractiveness!