Why does the fart have to be so taboo?

Finished my last final yesterday, Math 1050. Got an A, a 96% in fact. Finally (sigh) proof that I am awesome.

Sanders and I had a conversation that went further than I thought I'd be comfortable with. However, after talking, I felt really good about it. It wasn't a "we're gonna get married" convo, stop jumping the gun like you're watching the WB. It was more of a "if, by some twist of fate, everything works out perfectly, and we are both in love... with, each other, and still believe in the sanctity of marriage, and don't put on 180 pounds, and aren't bored with each other in the least, and we got married, then, if all of those things are true, how would it work?" convo... Just so we're clear.

Anyway, we started talking about how many kids we both wanted and whether we would drive them all around in a minivan or an SUV. She got frustrated because I made it pretty hard to work it all out smoothly. See I hate SUV's, for a couple reasons. One they are extremely impractical in 99 out of 100 situations. Two, and more importantly, I hate most of the people who drive them. SUV's for me are on the same shelf with Ed Hardy shirts, sideways peace signs and pucker face pictures, and popped collars. So what I am saying is SUV's = Douchebag. What? You drive an SUV? Oh... well I'd be sorry, but we all know that SUV owners tend to be, in part, more selfish, self-centered, narcissistic, insecure and vain than their car-driving peers. Oh yes they do. There have been studies. Study it.

Anyway, minivans have a pretty negative connotation too. I can already read the 20 comments that haven't been written about how mini-vans are a "Utah Mormon" thing. Right, and we can talk about Green Jello and carrots after, except that minivan sales by state have Utah ranked 14th per capita behind the we're-hipper-than-you States of New York, California, and Texas. Regardless, I don't love minivans either. I like sedans.

Which doesn't work with the 8-12 kids I want to have. Sanders says she only wants 3. I asked if that's so that when we went on family trips they could fit in a sedan. She said no, because she only wanted to have three. I said no problem, have as many as you want and we can adopt the rest. She said she should have known that my narcissism had developed an unhealthy desire to raise up lots of little Jakeys. I said whatever psychosomatic mumbo jumbo was the reason that I did want lots of kids. She said my narcissism was cute, and just barely tolerable. I pointed out that she needed to understand that my narcissism wasn't the same kind that I was talking about when I was ragging on SUV owners. She said my hypocrisy was cute. She is cute.

Anyway, I was going to talk about how inconvenient it actually is that farting is such a taboo thing to do. I had the opportunity to hear the Apostle, Elder Quentin Cook speak at a lunch thingy today. After having just had a jalapeno burger from Carl's Junior I had some mad gas. Well, there were like 200 people in the room and I had to fart. I was concentrating so much on holding it in and not sqeaking a peeper that I could focus on nothing else.

Why is farting so bad? Really? I mean coughing is gross, so is sneezing, and people do that in public without major embarrassment all the time. If I could have just let a couple go today, I would have been fine. Instead I spent the meeting repeatedly clenching and relaxing just enough to make sure nothing slipped out, and I didn't hear a word the man said. The Apostle was trumped by my gas. It just isn't right. I can't help that food gives me gas. What if Cook's dissertation on "morality in business" would have changed my life. It may have been the greatest news I would have ever heard. Yet I missed out because farting is such a "bad" thing. Can you imagine if I was at the sermon on the mount and I had to fart.

I think we, the human race, should eliminate this problem. Join me in my quest for a Free to Fart America. It will only work if you can fart confidently in front of others and if when people fart you can refrain from causing a big scene whether it's laughter or disgust. You can actually catch something from a cough or a sneeze. Nobody gets sick from a fart. Yet farts are received with laughter and mockery, and coughs score a "bless you" from anyone within ear shot. Next time I hear a "fffrrrrtttt-ftt-fffffrrr woosh ffrrt-t - ttt", I am going to say, "bless you." Seriously people, is holding your farts worth missing out on enlightenment and possibly eternal salvation?

-Jake