History of Calvin: Part 1 of 70

I was a total dweeb until about 4 years ago. Some may argue that I'm still a dweeb, but compared to the dweebiness of elementary, Jr High... and even high school, I'm a womanizing womanizer these days.

When you guys were in school, did you have a dweeby looking kid in your class who, out of nowhere, would occasionally say something hilarious and have the whole class laughing? You probably did have that kid in your class and you just don't remember him. That was me.

I got bullied, as well. Not by everyone. Just by a couple kids. I wasn't the kid that everyone bullied. Only a few, choice bullies picked on me. I think they were the meanest of the bullies. In jr high it was mostly Brett. Brett was in my ward for a while, but then he moved when we were in 8th grade. I have no idea what happened, but once he moved he started being a real jerk to me. For the second half of 8th grade, pretty much every day he'd shove me for absolutely no reason. It sucked pretty bad cause he'd always seem to do it when I didn't even know he was around. I'd be standing at my locker looking for a pencil and then all of a sudden I was banging my head on the metal shelf. I'd look back, hoping to see my only friend standing there. Then I'd know it was a playful shove and we could both laugh together. But it never was. It was always Brett and he was the only one laughing.

I remember asking my brother what I should do about it one day. He sat me down and said, "Brett is a pussy. He's trying to act tough but he's really just an ass. Next time he pushes you, just push him back and say something like, 'Knock it the f*** off.'. I promise he'll never shove you again." Shortly thereafter, I was standing at my locker and I saw Brett walking up to me out of the corner of my eye. I braced myself for what was to come. I turned toward him just as he shoved me. I hit his arms away and shoved him back as hard as I could. I couldn't muster the courage to utter the intimidating verbiage my brother had instructed me to say... but I still had an angry look on my face that said, "I'm ready to rock, Brett. Let's do it!" Brett was shocked. I remember he looked at me with this expression of awe. Then he cracked an awkward smile and said, "I'm just messin' around, Calvin. No problem, man." He walked away and our paths never crossed again.

In 10th grade, I remember sitting at the back of my geometry class. It was the first week of school and I didn't know anyone. Even if I did know someone... chances are they wouldn't have known me. About halfway through class I heard "pssst". I looked over to my right and there was another kid three rows over, also on the back row. He mouthed to me, "You and me. After class." This is a true story. I had never seen this kid before in my life. He was completely serious. I knew he was serious because he LOOKED freakin' serious. It's because of this situation that I enjoy watching the movie "3 o'clock High" so much. I watched that clock for the entire 67 minutes remaining in the class. Every once in a while, I'd hear "pssst". I looked over at him the second time he did it cause I was hoping he'd mouth something like, "I'm just kidding. Let's go to Taco Bell after class. I'll buy you a Nacho Supreme with guacamole." But that's not what he mouthed. He mouthed, "I'm gonna kick your-" I looked away. I freakin' hated school.

Another kid came to my rescue after class ended. I also didn't know THAT kid, but he felt bad for me so he fought the bad kid for me. They both got suspended. For the entire week that bad kid was suspended, I distinctly remember praying to Heavenly Father that the kid would move away or die. I remember feeling kind of guilty for praying that he'd die, but I always gave God the option of magically placing him in another city somewhere else in the world. I also suggested possible painless ways that God could bring him home. It lessened the guilt when I gave God a list of pain-free deaths to choose from. I just didn't want to ever see him again.

About a week later, I was walking down the hall to class... by myself, of course. All of a sudden I felt a shooting pain on my left elbow as I watched all of my books and folders fire out of my left hand like a cannonball from a cannon. My belongings became a blur of fluttering papers and broken bindings slowly coming to rest about 20 yards in front of me. I turned around and saw the bad kid laughing his butt of as he ran the other direction. The pain in my elbow told me that he'd done a flying ninja kick from behind. I don't remember seeing him after that. I think he got kicked out of school... but it's possible that God answered my prayer in a different way and I just never heard about it.

I'm telling you all of this because I've thought long and hard about what I find attractive in a personality. There are lots of really hot girls in our ward. There are even a few in our circle of friends, but it's so unattractive when they know they're hot. For example, if Lance or Aaron bring a group of hot girls over to our house one night... the one who ends up with Lance is the girl who's known she's hot her whole life and is shallow enough to not notice anyone else in the room because they're not as hot as Lance is. Sure, making out with her would be awesome... but only because you could tell everyone, "Hey... see that girl? I made out with her."

The girls I'm usually attracted to have no idea they're hot. They're usually the girl who was dweeby and had pit stains all through school... then all of a sudden, one day they got contacts, started using deodorant, got their braces off, stopped eating broccoli and cheese 3 meals a day, and started using the mint chapstick and chewing Pina Colada Orbit. They've been teased their whole life and all of a sudden... they're totally hot. They might kind of know they're more attractive than they used to be. They might even notice the increased amount of attention they're receiving. But they'll NEVER be the girl who was hot from birth and knows it. She'll never be the girl who refuses to give a guy like me a chance. She'll never be the girl who feels entitled to the attention of every guy. She's the kind of girl who had to actually develop a personality in order to survive her teenage years.

I'm not saying that I'm hot, because I'm not. But when I look back on my life, I'm glad I had so many negative experiences. Those experiences are what has shaped me into the person I've become. I hope when I go to my 10 year reunion, I'll have a hottie on my arm and two or three mini-Calvins running around so I can show off. I'll make sure I'm buff and tan, as well. Actually, if that's the plan, I should probably start working out now. I only have six more years.

-Calvin

ps I'd like a tanning pass for Christmas.