Saturday, December 5, 2009

History of Calvin: Part 1 of 70

I was a total dweeb until about 4 years ago. Some may argue that I'm still a dweeb, but compared to the dweebiness of elementary, Jr High... and even high school, I'm a womanizing womanizer these days.

When you guys were in school, did you have a dweeby looking kid in your class who, out of nowhere, would occasionally say something hilarious and have the whole class laughing? You probably did have that kid in your class and you just don't remember him. That was me.

I got bullied, as well. Not by everyone. Just by a couple kids. I wasn't the kid that everyone bullied. Only a few, choice bullies picked on me. I think they were the meanest of the bullies. In jr high it was mostly Brett. Brett was in my ward for a while, but then he moved when we were in 8th grade. I have no idea what happened, but once he moved he started being a real jerk to me. For the second half of 8th grade, pretty much every day he'd shove me for absolutely no reason. It sucked pretty bad cause he'd always seem to do it when I didn't even know he was around. I'd be standing at my locker looking for a pencil and then all of a sudden I was banging my head on the metal shelf. I'd look back, hoping to see my only friend standing there. Then I'd know it was a playful shove and we could both laugh together. But it never was. It was always Brett and he was the only one laughing.

I remember asking my brother what I should do about it one day. He sat me down and said, "Brett is a pussy. He's trying to act tough but he's really just an ass. Next time he pushes you, just push him back and say something like, 'Knock it the f*** off.'. I promise he'll never shove you again." Shortly thereafter, I was standing at my locker and I saw Brett walking up to me out of the corner of my eye. I braced myself for what was to come. I turned toward him just as he shoved me. I hit his arms away and shoved him back as hard as I could. I couldn't muster the courage to utter the intimidating verbiage my brother had instructed me to say... but I still had an angry look on my face that said, "I'm ready to rock, Brett. Let's do it!" Brett was shocked. I remember he looked at me with this expression of awe. Then he cracked an awkward smile and said, "I'm just messin' around, Calvin. No problem, man." He walked away and our paths never crossed again.

In 10th grade, I remember sitting at the back of my geometry class. It was the first week of school and I didn't know anyone. Even if I did know someone... chances are they wouldn't have known me. About halfway through class I heard "pssst". I looked over to my right and there was another kid three rows over, also on the back row. He mouthed to me, "You and me. After class." This is a true story. I had never seen this kid before in my life. He was completely serious. I knew he was serious because he LOOKED freakin' serious. It's because of this situation that I enjoy watching the movie "3 o'clock High" so much. I watched that clock for the entire 67 minutes remaining in the class. Every once in a while, I'd hear "pssst". I looked over at him the second time he did it cause I was hoping he'd mouth something like, "I'm just kidding. Let's go to Taco Bell after class. I'll buy you a Nacho Supreme with guacamole." But that's not what he mouthed. He mouthed, "I'm gonna kick your-" I looked away. I freakin' hated school.

Another kid came to my rescue after class ended. I also didn't know THAT kid, but he felt bad for me so he fought the bad kid for me. They both got suspended. For the entire week that bad kid was suspended, I distinctly remember praying to Heavenly Father that the kid would move away or die. I remember feeling kind of guilty for praying that he'd die, but I always gave God the option of magically placing him in another city somewhere else in the world. I also suggested possible painless ways that God could bring him home. It lessened the guilt when I gave God a list of pain-free deaths to choose from. I just didn't want to ever see him again.

About a week later, I was walking down the hall to class... by myself, of course. All of a sudden I felt a shooting pain on my left elbow as I watched all of my books and folders fire out of my left hand like a cannonball from a cannon. My belongings became a blur of fluttering papers and broken bindings slowly coming to rest about 20 yards in front of me. I turned around and saw the bad kid laughing his butt of as he ran the other direction. The pain in my elbow told me that he'd done a flying ninja kick from behind. I don't remember seeing him after that. I think he got kicked out of school... but it's possible that God answered my prayer in a different way and I just never heard about it.

I'm telling you all of this because I've thought long and hard about what I find attractive in a personality. There are lots of really hot girls in our ward. There are even a few in our circle of friends, but it's so unattractive when they know they're hot. For example, if Lance or Aaron bring a group of hot girls over to our house one night... the one who ends up with Lance is the girl who's known she's hot her whole life and is shallow enough to not notice anyone else in the room because they're not as hot as Lance is. Sure, making out with her would be awesome... but only because you could tell everyone, "Hey... see that girl? I made out with her."

The girls I'm usually attracted to have no idea they're hot. They're usually the girl who was dweeby and had pit stains all through school... then all of a sudden, one day they got contacts, started using deodorant, got their braces off, stopped eating broccoli and cheese 3 meals a day, and started using the mint chapstick and chewing Pina Colada Orbit. They've been teased their whole life and all of a sudden... they're totally hot. They might kind of know they're more attractive than they used to be. They might even notice the increased amount of attention they're receiving. But they'll NEVER be the girl who was hot from birth and knows it. She'll never be the girl who refuses to give a guy like me a chance. She'll never be the girl who feels entitled to the attention of every guy. She's the kind of girl who had to actually develop a personality in order to survive her teenage years.

I'm not saying that I'm hot, because I'm not. But when I look back on my life, I'm glad I had so many negative experiences. Those experiences are what has shaped me into the person I've become. I hope when I go to my 10 year reunion, I'll have a hottie on my arm and two or three mini-Calvins running around so I can show off. I'll make sure I'm buff and tan, as well. Actually, if that's the plan, I should probably start working out now. I only have six more years.

-Calvin

ps I'd like a tanning pass for Christmas.

49 comments:

Amy said...

Holy shiz. You and I are so much more alike than I thought.

Amazing post. Can't wait to read all 70 of these things!

Allison said...

That's funny- I was just talking to my friends about how we would look smokin' to our reunion, and no one would recognize us! And then I just realized that meant I was ugly... Don't get me wrong- I think I'm fine.. wow, I have no idea where I'm going with this.

And I want to punch the "bad kid". meanie!

whyimstillsingle said...

Aww, I hear ya, C. A few days ago I blogged about how I used to get picked on, too. Jerks.

Anonymous said...

The hot girls never did have to have personalities in high school. I would know--I had to hangout with the cheerleaders. I could actually hear brain cells dying everyday from lack of use.

I mean hey--I'm still going through my awkward stage. Everyone always makes sure to tell me how pretty my sister is, and I think "It's okay,self. You can read books without pictures!".

(please love my use of sarcasm.--I really do love my sister-- and she is beautiful!)

Karina said...

Haha are there going to be 70? Really?

I'd read it. :)

CaLLie.ANN said...

This is a real-life geek to chic story, like from Jenny Jones.

1 down, 70 to go.
Can't wait.

Jolayne! said...

Oh man, I totally understand that. I was definitely there..

Definitely agree how the not soo obviously hot people are way more attractive than those who know it.

Well written! And cannot wait to read the rest of your history ;)

Alexandra said...

Pina Colada Orbit has a weird texture. I'm still undecided about how I feel.

And the dweebs will totally inherit the earth. Or so I hear.

Lyss said...

Dear Calvin,

I hope that you will be able to accomplish that goal.

I hated elementary, jr. high, and high school because I was a total geek.
I still am. But I've accepted it.

I really hope that my life turns out better than all of the jerks I grew up with. (I know that is really rude...but seriously.)

I can't wait to read the rest of your history. 69 more to go! Woot!

Love,
Alyssa

Autumn said...

Calvin! You are so amazing. You know girls better then people think you do. You know that us girls who were a little awkward in school, have great personalities. I am a redhead, and until the end of high school, I got made fun of every single day. But you know what? Now I get told I'm hot and that I have a great personality. It's great! You definitely know more then girls give you credit for, for sure!

Alexandria said...

It makes me sad to hear stories like this. Of people who were bullied for no good reason in school.

I was in the 'in' crowd and didn't really ever experience that...but it has to suck! I actually left my clique of biatch's because they were SO mean to people and I was not cool with that!

Well this blog shows them Calvin! You have hundreds of girls who want you and would probably marry you tomorrow if you asked!

I really hope there will be 69 (ahem) more of these posts!

Melissa said...

So lately I've been feeling a little lull in my attraction to MBP. I wanted a break. But this post... This post reminded why I like you guys. And I think there are alot of people out there that relate to what you went through.

Val Hunter said...

Calvin, I think I know what you mean, i was def. the odd man(woman) out. There was a boy in the eighth grade who found out I had a huge crush on him, he told me later that he wouldn't date me if I was the last girl on earth, he would be on a space ship in space (yeah I know, what a winner right?) As dumb as it was, I cried and cried until one of my brothers beat him up at wrestling practice. I won't get started on high school girl drama, tweens can be so ruthless. But I have learned that the front part of your brain (the part in charge of accurate decision making) does not fully develop until the age of 30, so can you imagine how horrible our thought processes are in our teens? I'm sure those people who picked on you look back and regret it. The boy that wouldn't ever date me apologized recently out of the blue for saying what he did back in 8th grade, and it meant a lot to me that he remembered, and I'm sure he noticed that I grew out of my boyish figure.lol. Thanks for being honest about your past, we all have a little bit of geek in us.
-Val

Sierra said...

I liked this. I felt bad for you. That's not why I liked it, though. I don't know what I'm saying...

It was well written and it was real.

Anonymous said...

This bumped you up the hott scale a notch! If I was rating you on personality alone I'd say you just bumped up to a 10 for me!

Katie said...

Calvin--
You have officially become 10x more attractive in mind. This kind of shows that you aren't quite as shallow as I once believed. This is probably my favorite post from you. I can definitely relate to this post. Believe it or not (thought it's probably easier to believe than I want to admit), I was an awkward one in middle/high school..I like to think I've become more awesome since then, but yeah. I'm glad that you actually don't go for the girls who know they are hot. I can't believe you were such a dweeb though, you seem way confident in yourself! You are awesome Calvin. I look forward to 69 more of these...They make you seem not so fake ;-)

And, in case you couldn't tell, this is the random girl that you talked to you on facebook tonight..Even though I'm sure you thought I was kind of weird, I enjoyed talking to you. Hope you finished your lesson ;-)

Anonymous said...

you're blog is getting BOOOOOORRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGGG

Anonymous said...

i sympathized for you a little but at the same time i lost that whole attraction thing i had for you..

Anonymous said...

it seems like everyone on here can sympathize with you... obviously you only appeal to a small group of people. It was touching, don't get me wrong. But how unique is your experience really when you read all the above comments?

Lauren said...

I was never, am not currently, and probably never WILL be "the hot girl". Seriously. I didn't get picked on in school, but probably the next best thing, ALL of my friends got hit on, while I got nothing. Nada. Zip. It's not fun when you go out with your best friend and 10 guys hit on her with you sitting right there beside her and not one says anything to you. (True story, and no exaggeration when I say ten guys).

I feel for you. :)

amanda leeann said...

i feel like i have hope.

i know i'm not hot...i think i'm kind of attractive on good days, but i don't think i'll ever be the girl that every guy wants. which i'm fine with.

it's just good to know that there are guys who want girls besides the freakin' hot ones..

Ashton Dene' said...

Aww Calvin this was such a sad post. The thing I hate most about school is how it divides people up -- I mean, I had gone to school with those people since I was born and one day in high school I was suddenly cooler than them? (yah -- I was one of those people). Thankfully we have all become smarter, and those are the people I still talk to instead of the people I actually hung out with.

Great post!

x, ash

Meghan O said...

This really is reassuring. There are good men out there =)

I didn't really come out of my shell/ have a good group of friends until 10th grade. That was actually the beginning. I never really had a circle of people who I got along with and could actually have fun with. That helped me develop my personality (even though I'm a sophomore in college and still sort of working on the whole personality thing).

And negative experiences, no matter how negative they are at the time, there's always a reason we have them =)

Anonymous said...

Haha this is a funny post because I consider myself one of those girls who was not cute in high school,I'm decent looking now but still don't consider myself "hot."

My friends and I refer to it as the "ugly duckling" syndrome. Those who grow up from day one knowing they are hot develop zero personality and use their looks to get them everything. While those who grow up unattractive have to develop a personality or they wouldn't have any friends. Once they grow out of that ugly stage not only are they attractive but also have a killer personality and know how to treat people.

TechieGirl said...

Interesting post. I'm curious to know if you've ever run across a girl that has developed a personality and has also grown up as the hot girl. I have a friend from high school that is this way. She has a great personality, but is also very aware that every guy that went to our high school would have given anything to date her. She really resented it at the time. She's the only one I've known like that though.

Kellie said...

Calvin! I love it. I've never understood how some guys can completely love the cocky girls. Some confidence is nice, sure.. but a lines gotta be drawn! I guess. That's at least how I feel about guys. At least admit that you're mildly attractive and we'll have no problems. But start calling yourself hot.. and no thanks.

Meredith said...

I just found this blog courtesy of Busy Bee Lauren. . . And I thank her! This is pure wit and genius! I intend to follow! Thanks for this too!

Becs said...

Oh my goodness, I totally know what you are talking about. I was the girl with the braces and glasses. I had an over bite. I was awkwardly tall and I slouched really bad. My pants were always high waters on me and my hair was always in a pony tail. I also had a pizza face, but luckily it didn't give me scars. I was not popular, but that didn't matter to me because I had my own group of friends who liked me. Wow,...this post was enlightening. Thank Calvin.

Jade said...

Oh man this post was deep. Nice post though Calvin, however it did make me sad after I read it. I hate it when people pick on other people just because they maybe considered the "geek".

I lucked out and was in the inbetween group in school, so I didn't really get any of that kind of stuff.

Anonymous said...

I was pretty cute and outgoing in highschool, but I didn't have any friends to hang out with or eat lunch with. I remember wandering the halls at lunch time and just talking to whomever. People would act so complimented that I was giving them attention, like they thought I was super popular. Sometimes you might be surprised what people have gone through, even if they were cute. I ended up dropping out and taking the GED when I was 17 because I felt so lonely. (college was much better.)
-Emily

S said...

I know how that is; I don't think I ugly, more average & awkward and I hung out with the "wrong" people so I got bullied.

Anonymous said...

So you guys are out of high school? Reading through the immaturity of some of these posts, I was starting to question that...

Geezees Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

Very funny!

Lauren said...

I agree with the other Lauren! Boys would always hit on my friends and I was the tag along!But I do remember one time I had 3 boys @ a party after me but that was like a one time thing! But I sure loved it!

Lola said...

That was kinda lame geeky Calvin! I thought your story was going somewhere good then all you do is talk about what you find is hot in a chick. Is that all you think about?

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Lola: Um... yes.

-c

Tiffany said...

Interesting post, It got me thinking about my high school self.

It has been years since those days but in talking to all those high school friends now on facebook, it is amazing how they saw me. Very different from how I saw myself.

High school/jr high are all really just a struggle to find out who we are Now I am not saying I am one of the hot ones, It is just that everyone has insecurities, hard times and it is tough being hot too. All of those years are a struggle for everyone, we never know what others go through.

My sister was a hot one, but poor thing, she always had boys wanting to have sex with her, and dump her. If that doesn't mess with self esteem more than a little bullying I don't know what does.

Think about it.

Anonymous said...

Why aren't there more guys like you??

Brynn said...

Dating the cheerleader, Tori, is starting to make A LOT more sense to me now... sounds like you're making up for lost time in high school.

Sure it's a good ego boost to have a hot girl on your arm, but does it really matter what EVERYONE else thinks? Well, actually I guess it does to a lot of people, but YOU'RE the one who will be with that person all the time.

But, it sounds like you are starting to realize that there is much more involved with attraction than good looks. Well... hopefully.

Jody Lynn said...

dude, i totally love pina colada orbit.

so much.

Lorelei said...

Lola:

What else do you expect guys to think about??

xoxo Lorelei

Anonymous said...

Calvin, when you say you're not hot, that just makes me think you're humble, and that makes you really hot!

Steven said...

All the guys that were jerks in high school turned out to be ass clowns in life too. You'll find most of them living in their parents basement. Or possibly wasted in the street somewhere with a blank look on their face wondering what went wrong.
And where are all their friends now? Those other 20 kids that were "popular" are probably in jail or dead!
In the end "dweebs" are better off. You'll see them at your ten year reunion and probably feel bad for them.

Dirty Harry said...

I am now constructing a shrine in your honor. Every morning I shall turn to it and pray that the same grace and skills you have with women will bless my day to seduce women with my eyes.

Jake and Calvin, you are both my idols now. I can only hope to be as half as manly as either of you.

Ellie said...

mmm. minty chapstick goodness.

Physcokity said...

Actually the people who make me laugh are the ones I prefer to be around.

"I'm ready to rock, Brett. Let's do it!" If I didn't know better I'd say you secretly harbored a fantasy to play air guitar with Poison.

So humble with a slice of personality and a side of character. Good stuff.

Speaking of food analogies, just don't get so tan you look like a carrot stick as so many females in that locale are apt to do.

Amanda said...

Well played, usually you annoy me.

Lauren said...

THANK YOU! Thank you for appreciating those of us who were band geeks in high school and somehow managed to pick up the pieces after the fact. I would not trade being a geek for any amount of popularity now!

Jan said...

Maybe you're humble like some are saying or you're just an average geeky guy that knows how to make girls fall in love with your words... I don't know.