Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Blog Report

I hate college! I have to write so many papers it seems silly for me to do this post, so I apologize if the posts looks a little like one of the reports I'm writing. Finals, though, are tough man. It's like professors feel like they have to live up to the infamous reputation of the word "finals" and make it unnecessarily hard.

I will however not use that as an excuse to shirk on my blog duties here. I discovered for the first time with my last post that I actually care... not so much with what you think of me, but I care about how well I think that I perform. My last post was the suckiest suck that ever sucked in my opinion and it's been driving me nuts. This one will be kind of long though, which is good because unless Calvin can talk me out of it, I am skipping blogging for all of next week in observance of finals. Like an idiot I thought 18 credit hours would be a breeze, not realizing that would translate into two

So, seriously all I have been doing is schoolwork for the last few days, so nothing exciting there. Which leaves me to talk about the events of last weekend that I left out of the aforementioned suck that was my previous post.

SUCK:
A small detour from that though... the word "suck" was forbidden in my family when I was a child. Then sometime after I got my drivers license it was just okay to say all of the sudden. We didn't have a family meeting or anything, it just became okay. The first time I heard my mom say "suck" is still with me to this day. My little brother, about 6 at the time, came in the house crying. When my mom asked what was wrong, he pointed out the window screaming, "Chase just peed on me." There was a kid that lived across the street, Chase, who was semi-retarded (actually I don't know if that's true because he just went on a mission a few weeks ago, but when I was 16 he seemed kind of Forrest Gump-ish).

Sure enough, my brothers left leg was wet from the knee down, and a little pee had puddled on the top of his blue Van's sneaker. I looked out the window and saw Chase standing outside in the street staring at our house. He was wearing a diaper or pull-up or something (I swear the kid was 5). My mom was trying not to laugh and she said, "I'm sorry, honey, that kind of sucks huh?" My brother said, in between deep inhaled sobs, "Yeah, it does suck... and Mommy." "What?" My brother sort of whispered, "I saw his wiener, too." My mom burst out laughing, and my brother cried a little harder.

BECCA:
Saturday morning around 3ish, I fell asleep on the old D.I. couch that we have in the basement. After dropping Sanders off, I popped in the last disk of Season 4 of LOST, and dozed off. Around 8, I wake up to find a female sitting on the edge of the couch next to me, rubbing my arm gently. I had slept in my contacts so it took me a sec to focus. I'm sure my wincing face and repeated blinks looked dashing. It was Becca. I was planning on sleeping till noon and wished like crazy she was Sanders.

"Did I wake you up?" Becca asked. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure you did." I grumbled. She said, "I was thinking we could get some breakfast?" I looked at her. She looked really cute. She was wearing sweats and a hoodie and her hair was pulled back. "I heard it was unhealthy to eat this early," I said as I rolled my face back into the arm of the sofa. "Funny." She said, "Come on, I'll buy." I didn't really care that she was going to buy, but I figured there was no getting rid of her in a way that wouldn't be more work and more uncomfortable than just getting up and going.

She sat back in the sofa as I got ready. I wandered in and out of the room looking for clothes and then my wallet, and then my keys. I'm pretty unorganized. After getting busted for mass texting the night before, I asked Becca, "Hey, when you get a mass text does it tell you all the recipients names and numbers?" She said, "No. Why?" "No reason." I replied. Then while I was putting on my belt I had my body turned a bit and Becca leaned forward, pointed at me and said, "What's that?" "What?" I asked. It looked like she was pointing at my shoulder. She stood up and stabbed her finger into my skin right above my collar bone on the left side of my neck and said, "That?"

We walked over to the mirror and she pointed it out again. It was a red mark that resemble somewhat the redness of a fresh hickey. "It looks like a hickey to me." she said, her voice was getting agitated, "It looks like the biggest hickey I have ever seen." "It's not a hickey." I said. "Where were you last night?", she asked. "I was out with a friend from my mission." I replied. "A girl?", she countered. I could see she wasn't going to let this go. "Yes, I was on a date with a girl, but she did not give me a hickey. Look at that thing. It's huge. She'd have to be a hippopotamus to give me a hickey that big." I kind of chuckled at my masterful use of humor in a stressful situation... which didn't work.

She stood there. Arms folded. "You are such a dick!" I opened my mouth to try and explain, she cut me off, "I don't even want to hear whatever bull crap you're gonna try..." I thought saying "dick" was important but chose to use the word "crap." Again, I tried to interject, but she was yelling and wouldn't let me get a word in. She grabbed her purse and started up the stairs still yelling. "I knew this would happen, I knew it. You're so selfish you can't kiss two girls at the same time. You can't do that to people! You're such a douche."

I wanted to point out that we hadn't kissed for a few weeks. That I wasn't kissing her because I had replaced her with the other girl - and instead of telling her, I was kind of hoping whatever we had would just fade out and go away. I wanted to point that out but instead I just said, "Becca, let me explain." She was too busy yelling on her way out. I stood at the base of the stairs and listened to her voice drift off and right after I heard her say, "You're not that cool anyway!" I heard the door slam behind her.

The hickey? Sanders did not give me a hickey... in fact I'm pretty sure I am hickey-proof seeing as I don't bruise too easily. There happens to be a perfectly good explanation for the cell phone size hickey-like mark at the base of my neck. I had a sore shoulder from a soccer injury earlier in the year. I got one of those microwavable heat pads, and I strapped it on last night before watching Lost. As the pad drapes over my shoulder there is a portion of the pad which sits directly on the skin of my neck without a shirt between the pad and my bare flesh. After sleeping with the pad on all night, it produced the hickey-like mark on that chuck of skin. That mark, coupled with Becca's serious over reaction abruptly ended what I wasn't man enough to end myself, our future together. I was glad and I was tired, but, since I was up, I sent Sanders a text, "Breakfast?" She responded almost immediately, "You read my mind :)."

PROPHET, SEER, REVELATOR. JUVENILE?:
Sanders and I went to Church together to her Grandmothers rest-home ward. Before going Sanders told me that President Monson comes to this ward all of the time. We sat down, and sure enough in walked the Prophet. It was my first time being in the same room with a Prophet or any General Authority for that matter.

After the opening song and prayer, mid-way through the Ward Business, there was this high pitched beeping song that started playing, not very loud, but enough to be heard throughout the chapel, like a really cheap cell phone ring or something. The conductor stopped in his tracks and turned to look at President Monson who had a huge grin on his face which he tried to mask by looking around to find the origin of the song. Sanders leaned over to me and said "That's the BYU fight song." I'm not familiar with the tune, but when it finished playing the guy conducting look right at President Monson, the sound obviously coming from him and said, "Are you- are you playing the BYU fight song?" President Monson, simply shook his head with a "who me?" look on his face accompanied by a telling smile and replied, "Uhh-unnn."

The guy conducting laughed a bit and said, "Oh, I see..." He turned to the congregation, "Sorry for the interruption Brothers and Sisters, but it seems someone up here on the stand has a bit of a forked--" the sound beep bu-bee-bee-beeeep, started up again. President Monson laughed little kid who just asked someone to pull his finger. The people in the congregation who weren't deaf all laughed. It was way better then the usual obligatory watered down jokes that usually start of sacrament meeting. The guy conducting laughed and shook his head, as if to say, "Good one Tommy, good one."

The meeting continued as normal and was actually pretty good. Each talk was really great. I guess if you're called to speak in the ward the prophet regularly attends you bring your A game. I really hoped that somehow I would be able to find out the story behind the antics early in the meeting. After sacrament, after Monson had left, the guy who had conducted told the story to a small group of us.

The conductors name was Brett and he was a huge-HUGE U of U fan. Brett and ol' Thomas S. Monson had become good friends recently. Before the big BYU/UTAH football game a couple weeks before. Brett asked Thomas S, "So, who you rooting for this weekend?" Monson replied, "Whichever team wins." Brett said, "Oh come on. You gotta pick a side." Monson diplomatically replied again, "I'll root for the team that wins." Brett said, "Just because you have a degree from both schools doesn't mean you can just not pick a side. You're the President of the Church. The Church runs BYU, so your BYU degree means a little bit less because you can just give yourself a degree from BYU whenever you want... so I think it obvious you should be rooting for UTAH." Monson didn't seem to like the joke too much, but laughed it off, and secretly started to concoct his little plan for payback.

Monson, knowing that Brett was a huge UTAH fan, and since BYU had won the big game decided to stand by his word, and root for the team that won. So he brought in a keychain that played the BYU fight song at the push of a button. His playful interruption was hilarious. It was nice too, to see this guy who has such an awesome responsibility just being a normal, regular guy. A guy that I wouldn't mind joking around with some time. The thought, "Ohhh-ho snap, you just got zinged by the Prophet, buddy!" keeps entering my mind as I replay the experience in my head.

SANDERS:
What can I say? Sanders is awesome. Spending the whole weekend together with her while she was up here in Salt Lake was pretty great. I find myself thinking about her... wondering what she's doing down in Cedar City. Wondering if she is thinking about me. Every night this week we have spoken on the phone. And, we text back and forth incessantly, to a point where Calvin and the guys are a little bugged by my preoccupation.

Today text:
S: How are finals? J: Silly, stupid, pointless. S: Like dating. J: Did you mean for that not to have a question mark? S: Yep, dating is silly, stupid, pointless. J: Poor jaded old lady. I hear it's all downhill after 26. S: Easy boy, you'll get your mouth washed out talking like that ;). J: Well, you should try dating you, it's much better than normal dating. S: That was cheesy. J: Yes it was, but that doesn't make it any less true. S: :)

Jake

38 comments:

Lorelei said...

love love LOVE the Becca story. So funny!

xoxo Lorelei

Jolayne! said...

Love the story about President Monson! It's a great little reminder that he is normal in a sense. Love it!!

Definitely concur with the hatred towards finals. One week and 4 finals left :-S

Amy said...

Ha! Becca fails.
Funny story about the prophet.
And Sanders seems pretty cool. I think I like her so far. You know what you should do? You should start doing a "History of Jake" post every so often, like Calvin. It would be cool to learn the life history of both MBP guys.

Lyss said...

I love president Monson. Seriously.

Sierra said...

I've said it before and I will say it again...Becca bugs me.

I like Sanders.

Declarations of a Drama Diva said...

That is amazing! President Monson is so amazing!!!

Also with Sanders... was the hickey still there you totally should have blamed Sanders at Breakfast!

Autumn said...

Great story! Loved it :]

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

What girl (That isn't your girlfriend or a very very good friend) wakes you up spontaneously to go for breakfast?

And to freak out about a red mark when you've been sleeping on the couch? That's lame sauce.

Tiffany said...

Best Post EVER!!!!!

Jade said...

I am so glad you were sleeping on the couch, it would have been way creepy if Becca would have sitting on the edge of your bed, or even more creepy laying with you without you knowing.Haha But I'm glad that Becca left (hopefully she stays gone, but I have a hunch she'll come back)she's strange and get's to worked up over things.

Sanders is still awesome though. I like her a lot and to top it off she's not weird!

Good luck on finals and thanks for the awesome post it made me laugh quite a bit.

f1trey said...

better tel becca what really happened...you have to repair your rep...seriously ...if you say you dont care....you will sooo get in trouble down the road....

Alexandra said...

Does that mean you're done with Becca forever? Because that'd be nice.
Sanders just keeps getting increasingly awesome.

Lauren said...

I'm 24 years old and I still don't say sucks at home.

Becca sounds like a creeper. Even worse, she is desperate. I wouldn't be surprised if she keeps hanging around.

Nyssa said...

Oh Jake, you are smooth. I bet she liked the last text :)

Heather said...

SO cool about Pres. Monson! And, look at you being all cute and sweet with Sanders and that text. Nice!

Becca is a huge bitch. Glad you are rid of her.

Scott said...

Love the story of President Monson.

And you got out of another relationship without even trying. You are a wuss, but somehow things still work out. Whatever it is that you do, keep it up.

Julie said...

Sanders has maturity on her side. Hopefully you can keep up. Unless, you really enjoy the games provided by girls like Becca and Andrea.

I am so glad I don't have to take another final. However, I hope finals go well for you.

Arianna N. McMillan said...

haha becca is stupid.

the prophet is freaking awesome.

and so is sanders.

that is all :)

Lachele said...

BAHHHahahhaha!!! Ok, the funniest part about the whole crazy Becca/hickey situation is the fact that THAT has happened to me....I had a crazy "becca" too...only it was on the front of my chest,under my collarbone,pec region..... try explaining that! HA!

I have a feeling this won't be the end of Becca!

President Monson ROCKS!

annnnnnd it's pretty safe to say you're a big cheeseball! But that text was way sweet...cheesy but sweet!

Living In Your Letters said...

Thank you for taking time away from school to post! I have been missing some Jake in my life...you, sir, are redeemed. That post was excellent. Loved the stories. Love Sanders.

As an aside...Have you seen Mr. Smith Goes to Washington? He calls his girl Sanders...

Ryan Hadlock said...

Sweet, I made the "This is what people are saying about MBP" line up! Though I was totally kidding with my post, I'll take it. Simple, straight forward, you don't have to think about it much.

And good job just letting Becca go - WAY too much drama! What does she think you've been doing the last few weeks since you kissed her last? Saving yourself for her? DOH! And I'll agree with whomever posted that they think she'll be back, I'd bet a lot of money on that happening. She'll be back.

Monica said...

I love President Monson....and BYU....

manda said...

Excellent post. Love pres monson. Love this blog.

Nicole said...

I decided MBP is good at 2 things...

Getting girls to REALLY like you.
And getting girls to REALLY hate you, haha in this case: Becca.

You sure it wasn't a hickey??? haha

KatOfDiamonds said...

Becca is a desperate creeper. Please let this be the extent of her creepiness.

Yay for Saunders!

Megan said...

Okay, first of all I hope President Monson doesn't mind you writing this because aparently it's a true story. My Aunt told me this same story...

Secondly, she said that the Ward is very small and there were only about 6 people there under the age of 30. Are you sure it is smart to post something where you could be narrowed down so easily.

I hope no one finds out. Great story, but a bit scetchy to be posting it. If you get caught I would cry for a couple weeks at the death of MBP.

Matt said...

It's funny how often I've read that you have "redeemed" yourself in the comments since I became a reader of this blog. ha ha - I think you are a man among men!

Tell me, did Sanders see the hickey, and did you use it to your advantage?

Katie said...

Love it. Sanders is most definitely a keeper

amanda leeann said...

becca sounds lame. sanders sounds awesome.

also, "suck" was a bad word in my house. still is. how old am i? 19. lame. i say it anyway.

and am i the amanda that called your blog a train wreck? i can't remember. but if i did, i meant it in a good way. like "impossible to look away from" because it's good. trainwrecks aren't good, but you still watch them. i'm shutting up now. the end.

Blazzer said...

Brilliant post Jake.

I have a feeling that with your antics up to this point, only having been home from your mission 6 months, that things are going to get much worse for you. Worse, in that I think the women readers of this blog will come to hate you. I can't wait.

We are watching the birth of a serious player... or as you say in America - playa'.

-Blazzer

Anonymous said...

The term "sucks" has a bad rep because most people who hear it (and say it) think it has a sexual origin. BUT it actually comes from an expression used in horse racing: "that horse sucks the wind" meaning it isn't very fast.
Interesting, huh? Now tell THAT to your parents.
-Emily

Val Hunter said...

haha if I were you I would have set her straight and made her feel guilt and said something to the effect of "I can't be with some one who can't trust me, and I totally can't be with some one who I'm only dating who accuses me of something I didn't do"
Dude, you are only dating and so what if you kissed another girl. What a weirdy that one is, she is obsessed with you, good thing that ended things. You don't want to start a relationship out with jealousy and possessiveness. The Dating Doctor Val says "no!". That's why you should be with Sanders. She rocks!

Anonymous said...

So I'm confused. I don't think these things happen when you say they did. You said, on the 3rd, that you were texting Sanders and she said she was coming up the next weekend. So you went to church together where you heard great talks. But this past weekend was fast Sunday so no one would be giving talks. Not that I don't believe the stories, I'm just thinking you're screwing us up with the time. :) Love the blog! :)

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Anon 10:18

You think we'd something like that?

I'm hurt. Really.

-c

Lorelei said...

actually, my parents had stake conference this past fast sunday so I was the only unfortunate person in the house fasting because I go to a singles ward not in their stake. My point is that not everyone had fast and testimony meeting this past sunday.

and I think my favorite part about the whole Becca story is her asking if she'd woken you up right after waking you. such a girl thing to do!

Little Miss Paige said...

Bahaha, that was cheesy.
I like Sanders. :)

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