Sunday, December 20, 2009

Spooning

When I was a sophomore or junior in high school I had a job cleaning a medical clinic at night. The clinic closed at seven so I usually got there at about nine or so. When I was trained on the cleaning, they walked me through every single thing. Garbages, dusting, mopping, sinks, toilets, etc. It was a smaller clinic and they told me it was supposed to take approximately four hours to clean the entire thing, top to bottom. It was a pretty awesome job.

You know that soft music they play over the speakers in the dr's office? Usually it's FM 100.3... at least in northern Utah. (by the way... their slogan is "continuous soft hits". Um... did nobody in the chain of command at that radio station notice that the slogan sounds a lot like "continuous soft tits"? Cause I laugh whenever they say it... even when they're playing "Sounds of the Sabbath" on Sundays. I just can't help it.) Well, the first thing I used to do when I got to work was change the station to 99.5 and then crank it. I'd walk around for a couple hours jamming out to my own music in an otherwise vacant medical clinic.

The bad part about that job were the hours, of course. I would work until about one in the morning. Then I'd have to wake up at six in order to get ready for school. After school, I'd come home and take about a three hour nap. One of my first girlfriends was also during this period of my life. Emily Skinner. Emily was awesome. She was only slightly above average looking and her personality wasn't stellar, but to a dude who didn't have a whole lot of experience with women, Emily was perfect. She always wore slip on shoes, white tights and a skirt that went to about mid-thigh. Always. I don't remember her ever wearing anything else.

My mom hated her. Wanna know why? Cause every day after school, I'd go home and take my usual nap. I'd sleep solo for the first hour or so, but about three times a week, Emily would come over to my house, let herself inside, come down to my room and sleep next to me for the final two hours of my nap. It was awesome... for me. Not awesome for my mom. But my mom worked until five, so she had no idea that Emily was sleeping with me most of the time. Emily was one of the main reasons my mom felt it necessary to lecture me on aggressive women in the modern world.

I think Emily is the defining influence in my love for spooning. There's something about being so close to someone who likes you that is so much fun. Notice I didn't say "someone you like". I said "someone who likes you". Sure, it's great to like someone. But there's something so much sweeter about knowing someone likes me. Like if I'm out with some guys and we meet a group of girls, I'll usually rank them based on attractiveness, natch... but if Aaron whispered to me at some point, "Hey... that average looking one with the jutting ears and lopsided nostrils totally digs you." Even if she was the fourth most attractive of the six girls, I'd still think, "Sweet. I'm going for it." Now that I'm typing it out, I'm realizing it's probably because it's less work. If she is already leaning my direction, then I might as well take what I can get. Guaranteed makeout.

Anyway... spooning. I think I've gotten pretty good at it, thanks to Emily. Lots of practice over the years (minus my two year mission [with one exception]) has built my confidence significantly.

I found myself spooning with Marie on Saturday night. When I plan my dates, I purposely try to plan them out until about midnight. Then that gives me the option of ending the date, or turning on my irresistible talent of spontaneous horizontal make-out suggestions. She was in no hurry to go home and we ended up in my basement watching The Indian in the Cupboard. I know what you're thinking. "What? Seriously? The Indian in the Cupboard?" Well, I gave her a dozen choices and that's the one she chose. When I rolled my eyes at her choice, she said, "How much of it are we really going to be watching anyway?" True, Marie. True.

Our spooning position was perfect. I know it was perfect because I was so uncomfortable. That's how I know. I had to hold my head up with my left hand. When my wrist started to hurt, I would drop my head down so I could flex my left hand the other direction... and then I couldn't see the TV and her hair would go up my nose, which I'd then have to scratch. The positioning was perfect cause when I was propped up, my mouth was so close to her ear, I could whisper stuff. When a girl wants to roll around with a guy... and she's waiting for him to make a move... I think it's fun to drag it out as long as possible. Kind of like, make-out foreplay. When a guy's lips are brushing up against a girl's ear, pretty much anything he whispers is going to turn her on. I have a favorite and I totally did it to Marie. I would put my lips right against her ear and whisper, "Marie*, can you keep a secret?" (*name can be altered depending on who I'm talking to). Marie turned her head so our lips are about two inches apart and says, "Yes." Then I moved my right hand up to the left side of her face and very gently pushed her head closer to my mouth and then I whispered in her ear, "Um. I forgot what I was going to say. Sorry." The reason I know this works, is because when we're spooning I am very aware of her breathing. Marie reacted perfectly. She held her breath when I was whispering and then started taking shorter breaths when I pretended to start watching the movie again.

It worked beautifully. We ended up making out for most of the movie, including the end credits. The only reason we stopped is because the opening menu on the DVD has really irritating music that repeats over and over and over. Ugh. I hate that .

When I took her home, she insisted on having our doorstep scene in my truck... about two blocks away from her house. She claimed it had nothing to do with how late I was getting her home, but I'm pretty sure it was.

Calvin

ps You know how when you play a whole bunch of Tetris right before you go to bed, as you're falling asleep, all you can think about is where to put those blasted Tetris pieces? Well, that was me... except with that Indian in the Cupboard music instead of Tetris pieces.

51 comments:

Shelby Lou said...

DUDE. Okay so how about this for a story... I was making out with this guy during Coraline and at the end it's like a special features menu and it says creepy stuff. We were too lazy to shut it off so for about an hour we would kiss, then stop and say outloud to each other.. what did that just say? I think it said something about, killing a president. Subliminal messaging is all the rage these days.

The Indian in the Cupboard? Never heard of it.

I'm pretty positive that I am ALWAYS the one to make the move. I kiss them, they never kiss me. That could be a sign.

Alexandra said...

Is there any good DVD menu music that isn't a serious mood killer? I hate that.
I think I saw The Indian In the Cupboard when I was a kid. I don't remember much, but I'm pretty sure there was an Indian...and he was in the cupboard.

Angela said...

I liked that story. Looks like you had a good time with Marie (obviously). I guess I'm just very nosy because I want details. What exactly did you two do? (Before the spooning and kissy kissing) And did I miss a post (pretty sure I didn't) but when you got her number at the theater, you didn't really say if you knew she was a member or not. Is that something you don't even have to ask in Utah cause everyone's Mormon? Or did you ask her during your phone chat? Or maybe it doesn't matter one way or the other?? So many questions... I'm just genuinely curious. :)

Katie said...

Ah! I loved The Indian in the Cupboard! And I just now for the first time realized how politically incorrect the title is. Eh, oh well, what can ya do?

Oh, did you want a comment on the actual contents of this post? Sorry. :)

Mary said...

my 99.5 more music, more variety.

i think we all want to hear more about marie :]

Lyss said...

oh my heck calvin. i just heart you.
but yeah i hate the stupid music that repeats over and over again. Im pretty sure that was not a problem when we used VHS instead of DVD. just sayin.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

One exception on your mission Calvin? Did you and Jake spoon? Heh.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

I almost made the word "exception" a link to the Jake supplemental post.

Paula said...

phew, I'm not the only one that daydreams about tetris.

KatOfDiamonds said...

Good call.
Love the line.
Wish I was a lesbian so I'd have a reason to use it.
Yep.
Gonna hafta alter that line for the female twist.

Also, you guys still smell good + I am still single = you jerks. ;o)

ps. Any girls who didn't trust their addy... You missed out on a gooooood card. Hint: they took a sexy play from the Elle Woods handbook.

Kristin Lee said...

Now every girl is going to want you to whisper sweet nothings into her ear.

I'm not going to lie, it sounds fantastic the way you described it. Haha.

Autumn said...

CALVIN! I love you! I want to marry you and spoon you! haha. I loved this post so much. You seem like such a sweetheart, and you know how to turn a girl on. I'd go crazy if you whispered in my ear too :]

Little Miss Paige said...

Indian in the Cupboard is the most annoying movie ever, no wonder she picked it :) I hope you didn't make her endure the movie for long.
Makeout foreplay. I love it.

XOX

Declarations of a Drama Diva said...

It's RIDICULOUS... we all can't admit we want to just kiss the person so we have to "watch a movie"....

Watch a movie? ...Right....

Jade said...

Oh Calvin, you have some smooth moves. Makes me wish I was in Marie's spot, haha.

So just for curiosity sake, did you end up having to meet Marie's parents like you were worrying about?

Anonymous said...

The best background make out music ever is the opening menu for Band of Brothers...oh my word. It's ten episodes long, and I'm telling you...best 10 make outs of my life.

M said...

You guys are all such jerks. I feel sorry for all the girls you use.

Are you really happy with who you are and what you do? Can you say you are satisfied with the lifestyles you lead? Although you all are wonderful at justifying and rationalizing your behavior, you are definitely not living in a way that is in line with the standards of the church. And I feel sorry for all of you. You are really missing out on a lot by limiting yourself with the choices you make and the lifestyles you live.

Honestly... what do you want? To just have fun and make-out and play around? Are you looking for anything that is permanent, or are you not man enough for commitment? Are you aiming for a temple marriage? Seriously though. What DO you want?

Heather said...

Oh the ear gets me every time. You are the master Calvin...I bow to you.

Busy Bee Lauren said...

I hate that movie. I didn't want to say, "I hate the indian in the cupboard" because some crazy might have taken it wrong.

Anyway, I don't care about Marie. I only care about your making out with Shelby.

The End.

Sierra said...

Lauren's comment is hilarious :)

And YOU are smooth.

Mauri said...

HAHA I'm not gonna lie, that movie was on TV this weekend & I totally watched the end of it! Kind of...

spooning=awesome.

CaLLie.ANN said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CaLLie.ANN said...

I'm such a softy for the ear whisper.


Let me know if this Marie thing doesn't work out, I'll happily "watch" Indian in the Cupboard at the MBP.

Alexandria said...

Lauren is right again. You, Shelby, make it happen!

Team Calby!!

Andee said...

It's funny to read how you think you know us ladies so well.

we're not all so easy. But, then again, I'm pretty sure "easy" is what you look for.

I say that in the KINDEST way possible. NO OFFENSE MAN!!

Hailee said...

For future reference, the new Pride and Prejudice has terrific make out music in the opening menu. =]

Tiffany said...

Your post makes me want to make out. Where is that husband when I need him. Oh at work. He will have a nice surprise tonight thanks to your sweet little romance blog.

Ashley said...

I read Indian in the Cupboard in elementary school. I liked it then, probably wouldnt so much now.

Your posts crack me up. The honesty is so refreshing!

Emily Sue said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ryan Hadlock said...

Calvin, do you know how to change a tire on a car? Do you build something out of wood or metal with power tools? Please say yes, so I know you're not a girl, thanks.

M, why are you so down on Calvin for making out with Marie, or any other girl? The guy is not even back from his mission a year! He's supposed to just jump right into a committed relationship with the first girl he meets? Do you know what the divorce rate is in the church? Do you know how many of those divorces are a direct result of people getting married too young?! He's not having sex, it doesn't even sound like he's doing any petting, I think he'd tell us, so what is the problem? It sounds to me like both of these guys - Calvin and Jake are pro-marriage and will happily enter into the bonds of matrimony when they're ready. I wish I had done what they're doing when I was their age, I could have potentially saved myself a lot of pain and heartache (and money ;-) )

Calvin - HOW was the make-out? Good? Are you going out again, or was this a NCMO?

Becs said...

Dear Calvin,

I don't believe in NCMO's.

Sincerely,
Rebecca

Shelby Lou said...

Dear Calvin,

I believe in NCMO's. They make things interesting.

Sincerely,
Shelby

P.S.
I agree with Lauren.

Brynn said...

Hey Ryan,

BTW - Divorce rates are about the same in the church and outside.
-and-
I'm pretty sure that divorce is not a DIRECT result of people getting married too young.
Maybe for some, but that is not the 'cause' of any divorce.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Baaaa!

Megan and Greg said...

This blog really misrepresents LDS men and you should really stop. Even if you're convinced everyone is like you, it doesn't make it OK. If you want to blog about your lifestyle, that's fine- but don't label it MORMON. That's a terrible idea. People who read this blog aren't gonna think what a kind hearted, christian people we are- they're going to think all we care about is our own self satisfaction.

Megan and Greg said...

I think this blog really misrepresents our faith. There are so many references to our religion, it really is defined by it. People who see this blog don't see a blog about "boys", "single men" or even "boys from UTAH"- it's a blog about MORMONS. Have you considered that instead of it being a cool take on a blog, you're actually representing us? People who AREN'T mormon will definitely read this blog. And you might think that everyone is like you, but they're not. And we're not supposed to be. You know that. Just because you have a temple recommend doesn't mean that your attitudes on this blog are right. Why would anyone be interested in our faith or have respect for us when we say we only care about our own self satisfaction and think nothing of using others?

Megan and Greg said...

I think this blog really misrepresents our faith. There are so many references to our religion, it really is defined by it. People who see this blog don't see a blog about "boys", "single men" or even "boys from UTAH"- it's a blog about MORMONS. Have you considered that instead of it being a cool take on a blog, you're actually representing us? People who AREN'T mormon will definitely read this blog. And you might think that everyone is like you, but they're not. And we're not supposed to be. You know that. Just because you have a temple recommend doesn't mean that your attitudes on this blog are right. Why would anyone be interested in our faith or have respect for us when they are told that we only care about self satisfaction and think nothing of using others?

Anonymous said...

I think this blog really misrepresents our faith. There are so many references to our religion, it really is defined by it. People who see this blog don't see a blog about "boys", "single men" or even "boys from UTAH"- it's a blog about MORMONS. Have you considered that instead of it being a cool take on a blog, you're actually representing us? People who AREN'T mormon will definitely read this blog. And you might think that everyone is like you, but they're not. And we're not supposed to be. You know that. Just because you have a temple recommend doesn't mean that your attitudes on this blog are right. Why would anyone be interested in our faith or have respect for us when they are told that we only care about self satisfaction and think nothing of using others?

Megan and Greg said...

I think this blog really misrepresents our faith. There are so many references to our religion, it really is defined by it. People who see this blog don't see a blog about "boys", "single men" or even "boys from UTAH"- it's a blog about MORMONS. Have you considered that instead of it being a cool take on a blog, you're actually representing us? People who AREN'T mormon will definitely read this blog. And you might think that everyone is like you, but they're not. And we're not supposed to be. You know that. Just because you have a temple recommend doesn't mean that your attitudes on this blog are right. Why would anyone be interested in our faith or have respect for us when they are told that we only care about self satisfaction and think nothing of using others?

Anonymous said...

To me, NCMos are the mormon version of adultery. All they are is pleasure without commitment and it makes me sick to think about tons of LDS people doing that and thinking its okay. as long as you are in a committed relationship I think it's fine to make out.

Little Miss Paige said...

People are weird.
Adultery? Really?
Come on.
Let's get scriptural.

B said...

New favorite blog? I think so.

Thome said...

i believe the mormon version of adultery is....well adultery.

amanda leeann said...

the ear gets me every time. no lie.

i hate dvd menu music. annoying as all get out.

Haley said...

Bahahahaha!! I laughed so hard when I read this post because I definitely watched Indian in the Cupboard this weekend too!
Also, I feel like spooning is never comfortable. For either party. Blast.

MoreThanMyOwnLife said...

DVD music is stupid and drives me nuts. Oh the ear whispers...

Love this blog.

Bonnie said...

Man, I love this blog and hate the comments. Do other girls not realize you're normal? If you guys are douchebags.... I guess the world is coming to an end

Bonnie said...

I've always felt that NCMO was a very important era in a persons life...

Becs said...

Wow, the more I read your blog the more slutier you guys get.

It seems like all you guys care about is how many girls you can kiss and how far you can go with them before getting married. You go as far as you can get without breaking the line of chastity

(by the way, this is just a huge comment for all the posts you've written)

What ever happened to "respecting women, girls, and children?" or were you guys to busy to have that memorized?

You say that most RM's are like this and there are probably a lot who are, but I won't believe the majority are like this.

yes, your blog is funny and entertaining, but I really just hope this stuff isn't true.

Not going to lie, I worry for you two.

Mikaela said...

Amen, Becs. Amen!

bbossute said...

I live in a "mormon bachelor pad" myself. I'd have to say that these guys seem like typical return missionaries in Utah. They are exactly like all my friends.