Fear not, faithful readers. Your comments and advice have been read and acknowledged. I admit I failed to see the red flags in Brittany's words and deeds earlier, but I can see how they could appear to the casual observer as "red flags". However, I'm pretty sure that nobody was listening to the hours of phone conversation that we had before she invited me over. Given... it was a quick progression from email to personal (slightly physical) contact... but there was still a progression and it was natural.I've seen Brittany a few times since last weekend. Her house is where we usually get together. Mostly because she puts her kids to bed before I get there and she can't really leave them while they're sleeping. Since I typically get there pretty late at night, I end up staying there until morning which I know is (gasp) totally not ok, but I feel like we exercise fairly good self control. There's always lots of kissing on and off throughout the night, but it hasn't gone much past that.
When I was 16 years old, my mom told me once, "Calvin. Times have changed. Girls nowadays don't sit back and wait for guys to make moves. You need to be really careful that you don't let a girl do things that you're not comfortable doing." I distinctly remember thinking, "Where can I meet these kinds of girls?" Honestly. I really did think that. I'm not sure what my mom expected her 16 year old son to think. Maybe, "Wow. I hope I'm never in a situation where a girl tries to heavy pet me." Riiiiiight.
My mom also told me that it's really easy to lose control in certain situations. At 16 years old, I'd never held a girls hand before so it was difficult for me to comprehend ever being alone with a girl... in the dark... sitting next to each other. But I also remember thinking, "How can somebody 'lose control' while kissing a girl?" Is it really possible to black-out while kissing someone, and then snap back to reality and yell, "How did all my clothes fall off? Where are your clothes? What did we do? I CAN'T BELIEVE I COMPLETELY LOST CONTROL!"
You might be asking yourself what I'm trying to say. Well, here it is. I'm not perfect. I've had my share of sexual transgressions. I'm still a virgin and I'll remain a virgin until I get married, but I've slipped up several times in my short dating life. And every time I've screwed up, it's been a conscious choice. Never once have I "lost control". The girl I'm kissing might have, but I haven't. I've always chosen to do certain things. I feel guilty later... and I know before I choose to do it that it's wrong and I shouldn't do it... but then I do it anyway. It's an actual thought process during which I can stop at any point. But I don't. I do what I want to do, knowing I shouldn't do it.
But I do have a line. I promise, I do. My line is probably two steps further than YOUR line, but it's still a line. And I won't cross it.
Calvin
45 comments:
An interesting, and possibly damning theory Calvin. This thread of your fictional blog or actual story from your life (whichever it is) has me very concerned. So where exactly is this line?
I hate to say it, (especially because Nikki will probably attack me for it) but this, "I do have a line. I promise, I do. My line is probably two steps further than YOUR line, but it's still a line. And I won't cross it." this is the sort of thing I'd expect maybe Laman or Lemuel to say.
Doesn't sound to me like holding to the rod. I could be wrong, but it sounds like walking where you can see the rod. Danger zone my friend.
-Blazzer
I admire your honesty Calvin. Sometimes I feel like you guys are the guy version of me! It's natural to have those types of feelings, and we all do have a choice to act upon them or not. At least you can fess up to that. Some people try to hard to be this perfect image, and when they slip up, they are in denial about it. I will say that I had my issues with some of the same things while dating, and I learned alot from those experiences. I remained a virgin until I got married and I am proud of that. Had I done other things before that? Yes. Was I proud of it? No. A lot of times I felt forced to be in the situation I was in. Other times were different. But I feel like I learned alot from the experience and the consequences. Also, I know a lot of people who had never even made out with someone before getting married, and on their wedding night they completely lost it and broke down and felt like they were doing something wrong, and still feel guilty for having sex. I think having a little bit of experience before getting married does help. It doesn't mean we all have to go walk around getting it on and what not, but I think its perfectly fine to want to do those types of things and keep it under control. I guess its a personal thing for everyone though.
I love to hear about motherly advice people get. It's always funny. My mom told me when I was in elementary not to hug boys cause their only hugging me to feel my boobies. Haha! It's funny cause I still think about that when I hug a guy.
Also, I think everyone's line is a little blurry from time to time...of course mine never is! :-)
Wow...I was enjoying this blog...Now, I am a little disappointed!
Playing with fire will get you burned. Looks like she is going for child number 3. Where ever your line is perhaps you should re-adjust. Just making the argument that you are in control doesn't justify anything.
I hate giving 2 cents.......when my opinion is worth a couple of bucks Ill weigh in......so Ill save it till then....
An observation....I am willing to bet this excursion will prove fruitless in the NEAR future simply because of the religious differential between the two.....she is stepping outside her norm and finds him interesting...he is doing the same...however the novelty will soon wear off when its clear she has nothing to offer him and he nothing to her....no loss..just click.....and fade.......
I loved this because finally someone is drawing attention to the ridiculousness of the notion of "losing control". You're right, it is always a conscious choice to break the rules or not. However, that doesn't mean you should push the limits because you "can". Planned repentance is never a good option. Why not just choose to stay clean in the first place? It'd make your life a whole lot easier in the long run. I'm sure there are plenty of people who choose to never break the rules before marriage, get married, and adjust to having sex just fine. If it's a commandment it's gotta make sense, right? Anyway, good luck with everything.
P.S. Nikki I really liked your comment! So true!
You acknowledge that it went fast, but say it was just speeding up the progress of the relationship. but you neglect to point out that it went probably too fast, and seem to justify this as ok. I dont know, dude. still seeing red flags. Take care, amigo.
Nikki and Angie-- liked the comments. :)
Calvin, looks like you've already crossed your line and have now drawn a new one. The difference between doin "the thing" and not doin'"the thing" really comes down to the definition of "the".
Calvin have you read my blog?
take it from someone that had a 'line' and decided one day to cross it..I 'lost control' once and ended up pregnant.
I thought I was pretty strong too. I did all of stuff you talk about a lot. A LOT...and then one day it went too far.
I don't know you so I can't tell you that you're going to hell, or that you're making the wrong choices, or that you're being stupid. I'm just saying I had the same mindset you did and things ended up getting out of control.
I REALLY hope I don't regret saying that. I can speak from experience..right commentors? Please don't judge me.
I'm only saying this because Brittany already has two kids. Obviously she has a history of screwing up and once you screw up it's very hard to not do it again. I should probably stay out of your business though...
I think this was a very honest post. I agree, I dont think anyone blacks out and looses control. There is always that thought in the back of your head that you should not go there, or you need to stop and get out now.
As for the line. I think you need to re-think this. If you push it two steps farther then most people's it will just get you in trouble. Trust me I pushed mine and I regret it, Its all about self control. And I feel like if your in a bed late at night with someone on and off kissing and she already has kids, its going to be hard to stop if things start going. Be careful
Bishop Liz.
Calvin - Good topic. I like to see that "line crossing" being played by commenters like a game of Name That Tune... I can draw that line two inches below yours. Too funny!
Bishop Liz - You're pathetic! After listening to you go on and on with your self-righteous and highly judgmental BS about Nikki's swearing, then we find out by your own admission that you are a line-crossing whore with no moral discipline? Someone needs to go back to SEVERITY OF SINS 101 class... I know two wrongs don't make a right, but c'mon Swearing vs. Chastity. Are you serious?
Stk Pres Rob
You haven't crossed that certain line because you haven't met a girl that would make you go over that line or where you would lose your head. It will happen, trust me.
K-
Calvin, I know exactly how you feel! I would be a little more careful though. It's easier to make more mistakes when you are tired, and not thinking clearly. Set up a curfew with this girl. Hire a baby-sitter earlier in the evening so you guys can spend some quality time together, while the sun is still up!
Advise from another mother...
you're forgetting two more honey-dos, son, and that would be...get to know her kids and pleaseeeee pick up a couple of free "little un-planned parenthood"precautions at your local planned parenthood clinic.
Thanks
Mom
Why do you people judge these guys so much???? (referring mostly to the first commentor). Like all of you are perfect???
I think all you are cool Calvin!!! And you aren't perfect, but neither am I. And neither is ANYONE else. I think it's ridiculous that people think they're so much better than you, so they make judgemental comments. That's just not cool.
Stk Pres Rob-
First to clear things up I didn't have sex and to say I am a "line-crossing whore(I was with ONE guy for 3 years) with no moral discipline(I dont think bad judgment one night after being awake on a camping trip for 29 hours together is no discipline.)" is a little strong for someone you dont know and you dont know what I did.
The difference between my mess ups and Nikki's is I regretted it, didn't boast about it, and dont repeat it every 5 minutes. Ya what I did was worse then swearing, but I recognized that and took care of it.
As in earlier post, I have tried to get across that I am not a perfect Person at all, Far from it. I am not that girl who goes around preaching how to be the best you. But I am also not out there saying I am a mormon I have sex, I swear,I drink, I party, And I hate every other mormon in the world who thinks this is wrong. I am normal, I mess up, and I take responsibility for my mistakes and learn from them.
When I posted that I knew I would get negative feedback cause I went after Nikki for Attacking other readers and using such trashy language. But I was ready for that, I messed up, faced the facts and work every day to make sure I dont get there again. It was worth it for me to be honest, because maybe it would make someone rethink what they were doing and not mess up.
Hopefully that doesn't sound self righteous, I am just trying to get my point across. I do understand where your coming from though Rob, My post sounded very Hypercritical.Sorry
Bishop Liz
wow calvin, looks like this post crossed the line, your readers are turning on you. :)
I totally agree with your comment Amy! If you don't like what you read, then don't read this blog. Of course there are some things that I don't agree with, but it's not my blog. And if you disagree with something, do people have to come across so harsh & judgmental.
On another note, Calvin...before you pursue this relationship, do you see yourself being married to a woman with a ready made family? Are you ready to be a stepfather?
My best friend got pregnant at 17 years old and married at 18. A year later she divorced. She's 23 years old & a single mother and one of the sweetest person I know, but she's looking for an eternal mate and a father for her son. That's a huge responsibility.
I'm sure your friend is looking for the same thing. A husband for herself and a daddy for her kids.
As a single mother, I am in total agreement with Nikki.
I know that you have mentioned that there have been many emails and phone calls before meeting this young mother, but what I find disturbing is her inviting you while her kids are sleeping.
I don't care how many times I have talked on the phone or exchanged emails with a man, I would NEVER invite him over to the house when the kids are sleeping or even when their awake, unless the relationship is getting serious.
Put yourself in these kids fathers' shoes. Would you want some strange man (not that you are)visit & sleep over while they're in the next room? This young woman that you're seeing is lucky that you are a nice guy, but what if you weren't. What if your designs were on this woman's children? What would happen if one of them came stumbling into the room and saw mama making out with some strange dude in her bed? What kind of impression would that make on that child?
It doesn't seem like this mom is thinking straight. Do the right thing and stop visiting her at her home while her kids are sleeping or making out in her bedroom. I could care less if you cross the line or whatever, but what creeps me out is what you guys are doing while the kids are in the next room.
And another thing if she wants to introduce you to her kids, I would say don't, only if you can see something long term come from this relationship. The ones who get hurt the most are the kids.
A single mom
good post calvin. you don't find many men willing to openly say they are waiting till marriage. kudos to you. not everyone makes that choice, but for those who do, i say hoorah! i can honestly say i'm glad to know the only person i've been with is my hubby.
nikki it seems to me that liz was not condeming you, she was simply saying that she has faults as we all do people just handle them differently she made a mistake and she took care of it and regrets it. you have a swearing problem you can't go 4 sentences without a cuss word and the problem comes from the fact that you appear to be proud of it. Shouldn't we all be striving to be more like our savior? To take care of the things in our life and embrace the good and not the bad? You seem to be a very critical judge of liz and I caution you against being judgemental. In the end it is our heavenly father who is our judge. this is not meant as an attack this is simply my opinion.
~Chloe
Oh my good hell!!!
Can the next poll at MBP please be,
In which way would you prefer Nikki to die:
1) Having her skin peeled off
2) Falling down a flight of cement stairs
3) Horrible horrible cancer
4) I'd rather she was horribly injured and became a vegitable
Enough already, you throw around the word sanctimonious more than any hypocrite ever.
Nikki: Bla bla bla freaking bla. You are the VERY WORST thing about this blog.
-Anonymous Coward (uh oh, took that one away from ya HA!)
Everyone should just stop ripping on Nikki. If you don't like her comments, don't read them. I think she has great input and I don't blame her for not wanting to take advice from us twenty something year olds. And I agree with you Nikki! I do see the retardedness here. I am sorry everyone is attacking you! (that comment by the anonymous chloe was not me by the way)
hey guys.
chill out.
nikki's fine.
you're fine.
we're all fine.
and as for all of you masochistic anonymous commentors.
just stop. please.
especially with the suggestions of nikki's death.
that's really not cool, not to mention immature and completely innappropriate.
don't sweat the small stuff kids.
thank you and god bless.
Nikki are you Joking me, Your putting words into my mouth! I never said because you swear that you party, Drink have promiscuous sex.I said I was not the girl who did all that stuff and still called herself a mormon.
I didn't say you partied or were trash. I said your language made you sound trashy, which most people would agree.
I clearly stated that the things that I DID WRONG were WORSE then what YOU DO WRONG!!! I was making a point that I dont keep repeating what I did wrong!!!! Go re- read the comment and stop freaking out.
And I am not the Mormon in the Bubble, thats what I have been trying to get across. Your so stubborn that you don't see it. I am not some prissy molly mormon trying to shove my scriptures in your face.I have been through more then you can imagine. Everybody goes through different stuff, and whether you believe me or not I am the last to judge, I watch people die on a daily basis, I see babies and children beaten so badly they will be vegetables the rest of there lives.But I learned a long time ago Its not my place to place blame on anyone in any situation. I am not gonna doubt that you have been through a whole lot of crap to, cause I am sure you have. But thats not an excuse for treating people the way you do, or acting the way you do towards everybody.
You can attack me all you want on this blog. I have no respect for you. You have given me no good reason to respect you. You have been rude to everyone. And I don't know what your trying to get through to me cause all your saying is useless.
Bishop Liz
Careful around fertle Murtle Calvin! Sounds like getting this girl pregnant is like shooting ducks in a barrel.
Hahahahaa Steven.
And ya- I'm no pacifist or anything, and I sure as heck aint perfect. But in my opinion, all of you who fight on here just sound like a bunch of MORONS. You don't need to attack so much. Sheeeeesh. I can't say this enough. I mean, how effective is it to argue on a blog comment box anyway? Fight amongnst yourselves on YOUR OWN blogs, not on someone elses. Okay, I'm done. And if someone wants to post a judgemental comment in regards to mine, go for it! I don't give a crap. Just wanted to share my opinion as all of you do so freely. The end.
Regarding Nikki's death...
I vote for #1, #2, and #3 in that order! I'll break it down so you all don't have to scroll up.
1- Having her skin peeled off
2- Falling down a flight of cement stairs (I wouldn't substitute pushing for falling)
4- I'd rather she was horribly injured and became a vegitable!
So that's my vote.
I meant I vote for #1, #2, and #4 in that order. #3 is too cruel! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
I am not self righteous, far from it. I just hate your comments. Swearing or not swearing. I hate your comments. The writers of the blog asked people to keep there comments clean. I was only reiterating them. If you don't want me responding to your post, stop commenting on this blog, because I am not going away :)
Bishop Liz
Good for you... Your line can be wherever you want it to be.
I couldn't agree more with A Single Mom when she suggested doing the right thing and no more sleepovers -- both for this girl (who doesn't seem to be thinking clearly) and for her kids. Is this really the kind of example you want to be setting? Kids know more than you think.
Has it occurred to you that having you over is a temptation for her, and maybe she has trouble staying behind HER line when you're in her bed? She might not come out and say it because she sounds pretty insecure and probably craves the companionship and attention.
I completely agree. You don't just lose control. I hate when people say that. You decide where the line is and you don't go there. Not difficult.
I really admire your honestly, and I completely know what you mean about the line thing -- we all know that sex is too far, but sometimes it's difficult to find the line before that.
OH my gosh, this post made me laugh SO hard! Mostly because I can hear my ex-boyfriend saying the part about losing control. I don't know if this was meant to be funny but I thought it was hilarious. Thanks!
xoxo Lorelei
So..if Blazzer = Calvin.....
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