Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Raspberry Blast of Deliciousness

I felt like total crap all day yesterday. I'm pretty sure I figured out why. We had a pretty sweet gathering late Monday night/early Tuesday morning. There were a lot of people over. When that happens, we usually bust out a cooler filled with ice and then dump in a few sixers so people can choose what they want to drink. (I know "sixer" is a term used to describe a six-pack of beer, but when I say it, I mean Dr. Pepper, Diet Coke, and if we're really living on the edge, Mountain Dew Voltage with a blast of raspberry.)

When I woke up yesterday morning, I started walking around the house and I noticed cans of soda all over the place. Next to the couch, on top of the upstairs TV, on the counter, by the sink, etc. I hate to see half consumed cans of my favorite beverages, so I did what Jake and I usually do... only this time, Jake wasn't around so it was all up to me. As I lounged around the house all day, I would randomly grab one of the abandoned sodas and finish it off. Well, it took me most of the day, but I drank them all. Every last one. I decided that somebody must have been sick or something, cause I felt like crap all day Tuesday and a little dodgy this morning. The only other thing I can think of, is maybe an apostate dropped by when nobody was paying attention and used one of the cans of soda to spit his tobacco chew into. I guzzled a few of them pretty quickly so it's entirely possible I drank someones tobacco spit without realizing it. If I did... I hope it was a hot cowgirls chew spit. It's still gross and everything, but for some reason, it's slightly less gross if I think of it being a hot cowgirls slimy mouth juice. And I think I'd also be able to add her to my list of girls I've snogged. (Clam up. I'd count it.)

I fought through my nauseousness and called Marie last night. I figured out a way to hopefully win back her affection without embarrassing myself too badly. I thought about texting her to reconnect, but every time Jake and I ran through possible back-and-forth text scenarios, I was never happy with where it ended up. It could have just been Jake trying to be difficult, but I feel like I do so much better "in person"... and by "in person", I mean over the phone... like, actual voice conversation. Not "face to face", necessarily.

This is how our conversation went (it's hard to convincingly type 'stuttering' so try to imagine me stuttering a little bit throughout the conversation. I've found in situations like this, it's best to come across as nervous and slightly unsure):

Marie: Hello?
Calvin: Hi, this is Calvin Lynn Marler. Does your name start with M, A?
M: Yes, it does. (short pause) Who is this again?
C: Calvin Lynn Marler. I'm sorry, M-A. I feel kind of stupid. I was deleting a bunch of phone numbers out of my phone last night and I saw your phone number saved under the name "Really Hot Movie Theatre Girl Ma-" and then it cut off. I think my phone only holds a certain number of characters or something so I only was able to get the first two letters of your name. I didn't realize it until now.
M: And it was my phone number?
C: Yeah. I almost deleted it, but it does say, "really hot" and I couldn't bring myself to delete it without calling first just to see if you were married, or had a boyfriend, or pregnant or something.
M: Is this the guy who asked me for my phone number, like, two months ago in the movie theatre?
C: Yes it is. And if you decide to give me another chance, can you also remind me of your first name cause all I've got is M-A?

I was worried that she wasn't laughing at all through this conversation. But then, after that last line, she started laughing pretty hard and I realized she had taken my bait. Hook, line and sinker. She pretended to remember my name from two months ago and I didn't argue with her... but I DID say my own name twice at the beginning of our conversation. I think she's already trying to play games. Amateur.

I told her I'd call her on Friday to confirm the details for our Saturday date. She told me she still lives at home. What the crap? I'm almost 22 and I still have to meet the parents of girls I date? I seriously need to meet some Cougars who have careers and can support me and my lavish lifestyle of Mt. Dew, Arby's Market Fresh sandwiches and Entertainment Weekly subscriptions.

Calvin

42 comments:

Nat said...

You are genius!

Happy finals are over week!

Arianna N. McMillan said...

I can't believe you drank all those old, open cans of soda! Sick!

I hope you don't swap Cowgirl spit with Ma-. Then she'd be kissing her by proxy.

Lauren said...

I love your description of a lavish lifestyle and your witty phone conversations, they crack me up.

f1trey said...

Nope! gonna have to meet the parents when theyre still that age...what you should worry about is when they DONT want you to meet the parents!

Busy Bee Lauren said...

You get a subscription to EW? That rules. I wish I could afford to add that subscription, because I am too attached to my Glamour Magazine subscription to give it up.

Anyway...I kinda love that you asked her if she was pregnant. If she didn't laugh, then she reminds me of a couple girls I know that are lame and that you shouldn't date.

That's all.

amanda leeann said...

in the words of BBL, sick.nast. to the soda thing.

i need to find a boy that can get me out of my house-i'm tired of living at home.

but, it allows me to be able to afford my EW subscription, which is nice =]

Jade said...

I can't believe that you drank all of those open cans of pop. I can't decide if I want to think it's awesome or really really gross, I'll go with awesome since it's so gross though. Yum hot cowgirl tobacco chew!

Shelby Lou said...

I got kind of queasy for the first part of this... ugh.

Is this the same girl who was giggling at you in the movie theater then afterwards you walked out and were like "hey...*add something witty here*"

dude you do need an older woman, especially if you are dining at Aurby's. That's like, the most expensive fast food. LITERALLY.

Good luck with, Ma- ummm what was her name again? I kind of sort of forgot. NOT She should have remembered your name, you said it twice, LYNN MARLER? sweet mother mary. haha i'm laughing over here, you are super convincing!

Alexandria said...

Drinking all of those sodas is probably the nastiest thing I have ever heard. Well not THE nastiest but still pretty darn close!

Good luck on your cougar hunt!

Nate said...

You did the full name thing again? My guess is she will end up being as lame as Tori (the last time you reported about being Leaky Lynn).

Lachele said...

Ugh, that is the nastiest thing ever. Maybe I'm just the CRAZIEST germaphob ever...but do you know what sort of "things" you could have caught. Ugh Cal, I can't even tell you how sick that first part made me feel....

She kind of sounds boring. I would have laughed or played along with the pregnant thing... hmmm guess we'll see what comes of this!

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Nate... using my full name stimulates conversation pretty well. It's, like, my conversational centerpiece.

-c

Melissa said...

Bahahha... there were so many ridiculous things in that. First off... really? Why would you drink other people's nasty unfinished pop cans? You dont know where they've been. That is super disgusting. Thats like eating food off the floor, of a bathroom, disgusting. Yuck. And she agreed to a date eh? Also ridiculous. Though I suppose you did drop some subtle compliments her way.. calling her really hot and all.

Alexandra said...

If you go after cougars, you'll have to meet their kids instead of their parents.
I'm glad you called her! This should be fun for all of us. (Yeah, why is it that I enjoy your dating life almost as much as I enjoy mine?)

20 Something said...

I love your definition of lavish, Mainly because here I thought I was broke but now I am considered Lavish.

The soda thing is disgusting, But the phone call saved you!

Thats all I got . . . . .

Nate said...

Calvin,

Guess I can't argue with the results - a handful of make out sessions with an immature trichophile cheerleader and a girl agreeing to go out with you after you sat on her number for two months.

Good luck with it all...

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Nate,
I'd take "handful of make out sessions" as a compliment if I had bigger hands. sigh.

-c

Marci Darling said...

1) Don't drink a soda unless you know where it came from.

Seriously--that is nasty.

2) I love that you love EW.

Alice said...

so freakin' gross about the soda. srsly. But oh so hilar!

Good luck on your hunt for Cougars. I'll be on the look out for you too.

Anonymous said...

Some days...I really, really feel like punching you in the face.

Other days... we're good.

Bonnie said...

i thought i was the only one who drank abandoned "pop" after parties......good to know i'm not alone.

and is "soda" an american thing?

Julie said...

I think I convulsed, threw up in my mouth and passed out for about 10 seconds after reading the first bit of this post. Calvin, please tell me you didn't really drink,partially consumed sodas, with back washed spit of people you are not sure of their current health status. This is wrong, I can not even begin to count the levels of wrong. *shiver*

Moving on...You redeemed yourself with the phone call to MA-

Becs said...

ewww...gross. Actually, that's something I would do. Guilty.

Why is it that guys like you can get away with calling a girl up after 2 months? I've only had it happend to me a couple of times. Not going to lie, you are pretty smooth. I knew as soon as she picked up the phone you would come up with some witty remark.

Also, you know girls' weaknesses. You are playing a very dangerous game. Any girl will do anything if you tell her that she is hot or pretty.

Seriously, that is music to any girls' ears.

Allison said...

I LOVE it! Haha, you totally knew her name... and was it really in your phone as "hot theatre girl..." ? You are cool, Calvin.

REALLY cool. :D

Angela said...

Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. That is gross. Yuck yuck yuck.


But funny story about Marie. Very curious how this date will go.

Heather said...

What girl WOULDN'T have fallen for that? Awesome! This is why I read this blog...I have to live vicariously through you single folk and pretend my husband and I have more to talk about than what the kids did today.

Brynn said...

Ew.
You'll probably catch mouth Herpes or swine flu or something... that would slow down your dating life a bit.

KayJay said...

That is disgusting but hilarious... but mainly disgusting.

Sara said...

Calvin...

I'm single. I'm older. I like younger men.


just sayin'...

disgusted said...

you are such a liar! even more than jake the fake. it is all making sense now.

i will bet 100 bucks that you did not put a box of cheerios in your scripture bag and eat a handful during sunday school.

i will also bet that you did not ever spend $50 on mice.

and i will bet that you never drank out of any used soda cans either.

you are clearly trying to get more comments than jake by starting some sort of controversy about polygamy or cowgirls or whatever. but it backfired because nobody can see past the fact that you BOUGHT MICE! or that you are freaking disgusting! and why would you spend that much money on mice when you could have just kept the one(s) in your truck for free?

if you really want to know how to get more comments just be a bigger jerk (like jake).

Anni said...

When I go to your full profile I see that mormonbachelorpad@gmail.com is the user name for both this blog and another blog about a married couple called Busy Bee Lauren. I'm trying to come up with some logical explanation as to why you would share your anonymous blog login with a married couple (even if they were your friends) when it would be just as easy to get a second e-mail address and keep them completely separate. What I'm saying is that it looks like Lauren and "The Tedward" are writing (and completely fabricating) MBP as well and were technologically careless in hiding their identity. I would suggest coming up with a good explanation.

Ryan Hadlock said...

Anni, I'm pretty sure they moderate each other's sites.

I'm not sure why people are up in arms about Marie accepting a date after Calvin sat on the number for 2 months. Who cares? It's just a first date. It's not like they were dating and he blew her off for two months expecting her to be right there when he came calling again. is there a rule that when you get a number you have to call within a specified timeframe or the freshness date on the number expires? If she wanted to go out, that's her decision. Maybe Calvin is that big of a stud, who knows.

Schneiderdoodle said...

Well I guess now that you have gotten sick you've learned your lesson and will stop drinking other people's left over soda so I won't lecture you about how gross and unsanitary that is.

I am Sam said...

Disgusted, you disgust me!

But if you read into it, both Jake and Calvin have implied immensely that they know where Kolob is (2nd star on the right and straight on until morning by the way), that they are actually girls who are making everything up, that they know the Boot Scoot'n Boogie and that they're two of the three nephites, who are just really really bored.

So why not complain about that?

Julie said...

I like Ryan Hadlock...He seems to bring a modicum of intelligence.

Anni & Disgusted: Why the conspiracy theory? MBP is a blog about two guys in their 20's sharing their goofy experiences. There really is no need for great secrecy (well beyond changing names, locations and altering events). It's not like they are disclosing national intelligence to the enemy.

Enjoy it for what it is...a comical read.

disgusted said...

julie - if they change names, locations and alter events, they are basically lying. calvin has a great imagination and likes to pretend on this blog that his fantasies are real. do you really believe all of the stuff he talks about? i do enjoy it, i wouldn't comment if i didn't.

samiam - why didn't i think of that? i think they are girls. but they can't be 2 of the 3 nephites, they are too mean to people.

I Know said...

I know that because my comment is anonymous that it doesn't hold any weight, but I'm gonna make it anyway - everyone else does.

I know who these guys are. I have been to their house. They really are two guys. All the girls really do love them. They really are two of the cockiest assholes I have ever met, yet I still adore them. Also there really, really were mice... and a turtle I think.

Sure saying their names are Jake and Calvin are lies... but their stories are true. I know for a fact that the two girls kissing, the dozen roses, the scraped weiner in the tree, the sex arrows of Aaron, and the cheerios in the scripture case are real.

One day, I may blow the whistle, but we WERE too good of friends at one time for that. I figured it out though. I think others will and we will all know the truth soon enough.

Still think I don't know Calvin and Jake? When are you going to tell about that retarded guy that lives next to you guys and creepily stares at the girls? Or the ceiling?

Anonymous said...

Well I know...I hope you remember all of us who live in the rest of the US who will probably never meet Calvin and Jake! It's great to read their stories, it helps you to remember mormon guys are just as real as any other guy! And I'm pretty sure there are alot of people who would agree that their week and maybe day wouldn't be the same without reading the MBP blog!

So I ask you on behave of everyone else who likes to their blog also, please don't ever blow their cover!

Thanks!

Anni said...

I just want to know why the mailing address they provide is actually the address for the American Detoxification Foundation... see link:

Snail Mail us at:

MBP
P.O. Box 58027
Salt Lake City, Utah 84158

http://www.whitepages.com/search/ReverseAddress?street=P.O.+Box+58027+&where=Salt+Lake+City+Utah+84158

Alexandra said...

Anni, you do realize that PO boxes like, change owners and stuff, right?
(Not that I care much either way, but I have ample experience with phone books/the white pages not being even remotely current, thanks to my job.)

Nate said...

Maybe they are a couple guys detoxing and using the blog for therapy... ;-)

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