Sunday, December 27, 2009

Muscle Mass

I hope everyone had a great Christmas. I know I did. Jake and I are putting together a couple of joint posts that will be going up around the new year. You know... reflecting on 2009 a little bit and maybe setting some goals for 2010. If I could write a New Year's resolution for my roommates, it would be "Stop drinking Calvin's Monster Energy Drinks unless I want to tuck $2.50 under his pillow every time I steal one." Savages.

Jake and Lisa have been getting pretty serious lately and it's pretty depressing for me. I've always kind of thought I'd be the first one to get married out of all of our roommates. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because I'm the least social person in our house so the thought of my roomies getting married one by one scares me too much. I'd be miserable if I had to take a shovel with a bow on it to four more weddings. I'd die a little bit inside each time. Then when I read Jake's post about possibly moving away with Lisa... Criminy! So, I've set a goal to point out at least one Lisa Sanders Flaw everyday to Jake. I've told him this, as well, so it's not going to be any huge shock. The first flaw I pointed out is that she doesn't know my middle name. Pshhhh. How can she expect to marry my best friend if she doesn't know anything about me? What will she yell out the sliding door when I'm misbehaving? "Calvin... uhhhhh... YOU. Jake's best friend! Get in here and eat your dinner!"

I've also been encouraging him to snog a bunch of hotties that have been coming over to our house lately. He hasn't slipped yet, but Tiffany is cool enough that I could probably just ask her outright if she'd do it. Ok... Jake will read that and know what I'm up to, but honestly... it won't matter. If Tiffany throws herself at him, I'm sure he'd cave. If Lisa and Jake are truly meant to be, then none of my clever ploys will work, right? It will only make them stronger as a couple. Oh man that sucks to even type. "Couple".

I'm still dating Marie. It's going pretty well. In the beginning I wasn't sure if she was going to turn into a NCMO, but she's pretty fun to be around. She's pretty short, but she has the perfect body type... at least for me. And she is an awesome kisser. When we're horizontal, she prefers the bottom, which is fine with me. I like to be in control. I feel like I'm not as good a kisser when the girl is trying to impress me with her kissing technique. Just sit back and let me do the work. You just focus on exercising restraint and don't be doing any disrobing. Enjoy my magic.

Saturday night, we were rolling around pretty good and at one point, I had to pull myself up a little bit with my arms to get a little more comfortable. Marie gasped a little bit and I thought for a second that I'd done something to hurt her. I said, "Uh oh. What's wrong? What did I do?" She sighed and said, "Nothing. I just can't believe how muscley your arms are." She was rubbing her hands down the backs of both of my upper arms. I'm not the most muscular guy, by any means... but I have always had very well-defined biceps and triceps. I'm just lacking in the pectoral area. (Blast!) No girl has ever noticed before, though. The fact that Marie noticed was pretty awesome. It was pretty arousing to have a girl compliment me so sincerely on one of my physical attributes. Usually it's, "You're so funny" or "You're so sweet" or even "You're such a great listener" (actually, I'm just trying to get to a point in our relationship that you'll let me tuck your hair behind your ear, whisper something awesome that I memorized Mr. Darcy say in Pride and Prejudice and subsequently pounce on your woman-ness).

This morning, however, as I was reliving the sweetness that was Marie's compliment, something hit me. Marie seemed genuinely shocked at the definition in my arms. Did that mean she had little to no expectation of any sort of muscle mass... at all? Should that offend me? Do I really appear to be that void of anything resembling strength? I mean, the stamina is present... Marie knows that... but what about strength?

I may have to stage an arm-wrestling competition with the roomies and make sure they let me win. Not easy wins, mind you. That would look fake. EARNED victories are better. I'll propose it to them and maybe we can all take advantage by inviting different love interests over on different days and then letting the fancying roommate be the one who wins.

Genius, Calvin. Genius.

51 comments:

Kristin Lee said...

I was laughing so hard through this entire post. I'll marry you Calvin. You seem awesome.

KatOfDiamonds said...

woah.
it could be the wine talking but Calvin you are funny and I don't like you pressuring Jake about Saunders or yourself about your looks. Marie is is with you past the NCMO for a reason and hopefully it isn't because of wanting to 'fix' your insecurity or feed it... But to be with you. Vertically as well as horizontally.

Kaitlyn said...

Calvin...don't ruin or try to ruin it for Jake! Who knows maybe Sanders has a few hot friends for you to choose from! And free vacations in Costa Rica...com'mon!!

Nikki said...

I thought this post was about a Strong Catholic service...go figure!! :)N

Declarations of a Drama Diva said...

Ha ha. I sense a green monster rising....

Good luck.... He he.

Haley said...

Hahahahahahaha Calvin you make me laugh SO much some times. In a good way, of course. Always a good way.
I'm sorry you're so upset about Jake's happiness. Your sabotage efforts seem very sincere though, and I hope they turn out well for you. Weddings are gross anyways.
And I'm glad that a girl from the non-blogging world lifted your self-esteem so much. It was great to read about. :)

Anonymous said...

Aww Calvin! You're growing on me. ;)

Little Miss Paige said...

Oops, I'm going to pull the usual girl comment, but you seriously make me laugh.

And you should get the other 3 bachelors in the house to write a post or two.

XOX

Emilee said...

It's okay Kameron "cough" I mean, Calvin...
you'll marry eventually. just stop looking for NCMO's and you're one step closer!

Kate Weber said...

Aw, poor Calvin. Don't worry, from what I've heard about your room mates; even if Jake gets married first, I'm sure you won't be the last. :P You obviously want it, and it says in your P.B. that you'll find her, so just breathe and be patient!

Great post!

The Lady Girl said...

Hey string bean, err I mean Calvin, who's going to replace Jake when he gets married? The blog must go on....maybe you should start hitting on sanders, that may break some guy code but i think it would be hilarious.

Kelly said...

"But enough about me... What do YOU think about me?" Oh Calvin I do remember what it was like to be in my twenties when I read this blog. I was the same way once.

Love the comment about memorizing Darcy quotes though : )

Julie said...

Push-up's do wonders for the pecs. Just think of the gasp you would receive on your wedding night as you peel away your "garments". A little food for thought.

Jen said...

Calvin, no worries about her "muscle shock!" I know my husband is strong - like, really strong - but every time I feel his arms or chest I still gasp a little. So stop over-thinking things and enjoy the ride!

MoreThanMyOwnLife said...

You crack me up. Whispering lines from Mr. Darcy? Now that is genius. Mmm muscles.

Lauren said...

You are awesome Calvin. For real.

I love that you know who Mr. Darcy is and would quote him.

Please tell us more of this Calvin Magic you speak of.

Rachel said...

Wow. You really sound like an insecure woman! (Said with all the love in the world, of course)

singlemormonchick said...

oh calvin! your debate over strength vs stamina reminded me of my rm#2. you guys always take me down memory lane. some girls like the skinny guys, so dont even consider turning into some gym rat in order to buff up. sure, do some push ups for some definition, but dont go crazy. dont worry about the marriage thing. i bet you and jake are both married by summer.
ps-will you please post a copy of the Christmas card you sent out to everyone?

Heather said...

Oh Calvin, you always make me laugh.

I feel like I have no idea who this Tiffany girl is. Someone refresh my memory?

Julie said...

Mr Darcy: I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty woman can bestow.

Here is a quote that sure to score you some points. Yes, your welcome.

Shelby Lou said...

oh my lordy lordy. that is HILAR! I am laughing with my roommate Danielle right now. We love you.

Too bad you are dating Marie.

Anyways, nice choices for sabotage. I think the throwing Tiffany at him won't work though. You need to try and weaken things from Sanders point if you are REALLY into this.

jibb said...

You are A**holes, I really think your writing sucks and you are shallow stupid boys. I can't even think of an insult adequet enough. Hate this blog. Hate it. You guys must have low selfesteems to treat women so badly. You are horrible and most certainly ugly. you are stupid and everybody who reads your blog is stupid.

jibb said...

Okay what gives why the comment moderation? I just left that comment with the best insults I could come up with and you let it through? Whats the point? You even allowed post that swore on your last post. Why moderate? Why?

Megan said...

Perhaps this is the sort of thing that prompted the MBP boys to moderate their comments. I stumbled across this little ditty this morning.

http://www.exposembp.blogspot.com/

ha ha ha, I truly will be discusted if this person discovers the tgrue identities of our writers, and Calvin ends up being some woman... after reading this post I am feeling that way. You are a funny funny woman Calvin.

Jibb said...

I love you guys by the way, just curious.

Jay said...

Calvin,

A good friend introduced me to your blog a few weeks ago and have enjoyed reading some of your posts. As a Mormon Bachelor myself I can relate to a lot of your stories.

However, I have to agree with Rachel's previous comment. Your man card is in risk of being revoked if you continue to over analyze Marie's simple compliment. Whenever I tell a girl that she looks pretty I feel I have to follow-up the compliment up with "not that you don't always look pretty, you just look extra pretty today". I guess I have been bitten in the butt one too many times by a girl thinking about the "true meaning" behind a comment that is just meant to be a simple compliment to make her smile.

Blazzer said...

Your lady like dating attitude is making me wish we could date. Which is weird.

If Jake does get married, this blog might start to get scrapbooky or something.

-Blazzer

ModernMom said...

This entire post reminds me how much I do NOT miss living with roomies! lol
Best of luck my friend:)

Rissy said...

I once told a guy I was dating how suprised I was by his good body when he took his shirt off....
I wondered at the tme if I had scarred him for life or given him some sort of complex. Thanks for the insight Calvin!

G Sauce said...

I have to stop reading this blog at work or I am going to get in trouble or explode from keeping in the laughter!

Ryan Hadlock said...

Now that I know you are actually a girl writing as a guy, what is the end game here? A book deal? A movie? I think it's genius, you'll make millions for sure! If/When you have kids, if you have boys PLEASE don't ever let them quote anything from Mr Darcy, not ever! It's JUST as bad as quoting anything from the gay vampire movies. Will you be providing MBP scrapbook pages and commemorative plates at some point? Pretty sure I know some ladies who would be interested. :-D

Katie said...

Bahaha...hilarious. You don't appear to be the type that would be overly muscular, so she probably was quite surprised. I'm thinking you should definitely do that arm wrestling thing. I know I am always turned on after watching a good arm wrestling match.

Alice said...

I love that I can always count on you for a good time.

Alexandra said...

Are you really skinny or something?
You know what's better than quoting Mr. Darcy? Being yourself and saying something that you mean. But if it's just for action (o' the Mormon variety), then I guess cheesy lines are okay.

Anonymous said...

You are a girl.

The Boob Nazi said...

If a guy started quoting Mr. Darcy to me, I'd probably pee my pants laughing and wonder where his boyfriend is.... Just saying!

Alexis! said...

Lmao, that is genius.

Autumn said...

Calvin,
Please chill out and stop analyzing her comment to you. We don't think that way. I actually just did this same thing to someone else, and they took it the RIGHT way. Arms are HOT. MY weakness, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Leave Jake and Sanders alone. I personally want to see them work out. She seems awesome! You won't be last in your roommates though. I promise you that :] Keep it up.

~kiMbeRLy~ said...

Calvin you are my favorite...but I must second my friend Alexandria...
You are being a bit girly. I LOVE this part:
"I feel like I'm not as good a kisser when the girl is trying to impress me with her kissing technique. Just sit back and let me do the work. You just focus on exercising restraint and don't be doing any disrobing. Enjoy my magic."

I like Marie...I think that she would see though the arm wrestling thing.

Blush said...

oh heavens....mr darcy works everytime!
"You have bewitched me body and soul and I loff ... loff {insert chin nod and gulp}... loff you."

*kayla* said...

I feel like you guys aren't quite the stand up great guys that I hoped you would be when I started reading this. It would be good if you guys were an example with so many readers, throw it all out there sure, but I'm pretty sure that posting about your horizontal escapades isn't very becoming.

Dissapointed,
Kayla

P.S I officially quit reading this blog.

Andee said...

I like that you're worried about this. It means you're THINKING about marriage.
Good Start Calvin!!

Chess said...

I love reading this. I'm sorry some people can't appreciate your humor and honest insight (gasp!--even Mormons are hormonal humans), but oh my, you make me laugh! Stay anonymous forever, please. People trying to figure you out are being silly---it's like killing a good book or a movie by overanalyzing it. We should all enjoy the hilarity of your true/fictional lives. Honestly, who cares? :)

Anonymous said...

Last night I dreamt that I met you and we kissed. I don't why since I like Jake better than you.

Anonymous said...

I notice my husband's muscles in that position and he is very skinny but does have definition in his arms, my favorite are his shoulder muscles, anyway, the point is not strength but the way it looks when you unintentionally show them. I could care less about looking when he is flexing in the mirror, I like him as is and don't need him showing off but when he isn't intending to show them, then it is hot.
N

Little Miss Paige said...

I think it's funny that people feel the need to tell you they quit reading. I can't justify my position though. It's just super funny to me.

Allison said...

That's great! Haha, I'm glad you finally feel your muscle-making has paid off...

Lachele said...

I wouldn't even know if the guy I was horizontal with was quoting Mr.Darcy... You're such a cheeseball Cal. I guess that's why I like you.

I'm not going to quit reading, for the simple fact that it makes me feel better about myself.

I did go to that exposembp. she's funny. She's onto you guys!

Anonymous said...

Not even kidding let's make out

Krys said...

Calvin, you are awesome! :D

uhski said...

Thank you.

Love, Sarah.