Emasculate... er, uh... I mean Un-Manly

Selling door-to-door the week before Christmas is pretty much the worst thing ever. Getting the door slammed in my face seems less fun when the Christmas spirit is supposed to abound. I was better received when I was out selling religion to the mostly Godless folk in Ireland.

The guy that I go around with decided we should just bail on work so that he can go smoke pot because his buddy got a really good new strain this week (I don't even know what that means). So, I am home, the house is empty and I'm just dinking around on Facebook so I figured I'd write a few thoughts.

Sanders and I are getting increasingly serious. We are talking about marriage which seems crazy to me. It's only been a few months, and I still seem to find my mind wandering to thoughts of Andrea often. However, I adore Sanders. We have so much fun together. She is very smart. She is beautiful. I know she cares about me. Our ability to communicate with each other is unsurpassed in human history.

I do however find it interesting that we have not discussed what our status is. Terms like exclusive, together, DTR, boyfriend and girlfriend never seemed to enter into our conversations... yet marriage does. I don't want to rush into anything and I'm pretty sure she doesn't either. I'll admit, in the back of my mind I do think that because she's older that she is feeling more pressure than me. Then again, she seems to be just as comfortable as me in avoiding talk about our "status" as it were. So, the whole "older" thing is no doubt just in my mind.

Sanders does have a bit of history that I haven't brought up, not for any reason other than the fact that it hasn't been a good time to bring it up. Sanders is actually divorced. She waited for, and then married her high school sweetheart after he returned home from his mission. They were married for 3 years. In that time they managed to start up a scuba diving company in Costa Rica. (I know. Killer, right?)

Then, she caught him cheating on her. I'm fuzzy on the details, who left who, if they tried to reconcile, or whatever... because, really I don't care what the details are. I'm pretty sure even if they were explained to me in great clarity I wouldn't be able to fully understand because I have no perspective on that sort of ordeal. She divorced him. Paid him his portion of the scuba business, and kept running it on her own. At some point she felt that the Lord wanted her to serve a mission.

So she left her company in good hands and touted off to Ireland to spread the word. That's where I enter the picture and we've gotten down to this point. Sanders still owns her scuba company, and is finishing up a couple of business courses at SUU before she returns to Costa Rica to live out her life.

Honestly, the idea of moving out to Costa Rica and playing with my kids on the beach while my amazing wifey brings home the bacon is titillating. In fact, I could make up no better life... well maybe I could, I do have quite an imagination, but living in a spaceship with robots that call me Master Jake starts getting impractical... or does it? Hmmm

Well anyway, we were having one of our "if we were married" talks again. Sanders suggested that were she to have children, her husband would need to stay home and take care of them, for the most part. She suggested that, indeed, her hubby would be able to run it with her, but that she would generally need to be at work, working, like 40 hours a week. She asked me if I was put in that position if I would feel emasculated. I responded that I could think of no proof of manliness more concrete than having a wife who loves me so much that she would actually make all our money and let me stay home and raise our children.

She said that it wouldn't be just cartoons and Chutes and Ladders. I told her I would make an awesome stay at home daddy, I would clean and learn to cook, and always have her nice little meals ready when she got home. I also pointed out how sexy I think I would look in an apron...

Diapers? No problem. Vomit? Piece of cake. Homework? She might have to help us with spelling. I could probably get into scrapbooking too... I mean I write a stinking blog, I'm halfway to homemaker already, right? Sanders seemed pretty skeptical. I scoffed at the idea of this even being a discussion.

Honestly, are there men out there who would not be thrilled to be put in this position? How is "emasculate" even a word? Just by using it in a sentence (unless restating like I did) a guy is automatically a ferry. My roommates are all envious. Aaron is already planning a trip to Costa Rica and hoping to mooch his way through scuba certification.

Anyway, I find myself fantasizing about wearing board shorts, every day, for the rest of my life. Those thoughts are fun until questions like, "But do I love her?" and "Why can't I stop comparing her to Andrea?" and "Why hasn't she pushed for a DTR?" pop into my head.

Most likely I am over analyzing things too early on. Sure 22 is young to be married... but if it's right... if it would make us both happy... then I don't want to toss away an opportunity just because I'm too young or unprepared. At the same time, it's something I need to be sure of before progressing anything.

I should really focus on getting Sanders a Christmas present sometime today or tomorrow instead of wallowing in thoughts of a possible future life. One step at a time seems to be the most prudent course of action. I can't help what's on my mind though, and you benefit (or suffer) from me spewing it onto the pages of this blog.

So I guess the point of this whole post is, do you have any gift suggestions for a "not-girlfriend"?

Jake