Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Emasculate... er, uh... I mean Un-Manly

Selling door-to-door the week before Christmas is pretty much the worst thing ever. Getting the door slammed in my face seems less fun when the Christmas spirit is supposed to abound. I was better received when I was out selling religion to the mostly Godless folk in Ireland.

The guy that I go around with decided we should just bail on work so that he can go smoke pot because his buddy got a really good new strain this week (I don't even know what that means). So, I am home, the house is empty and I'm just dinking around on Facebook so I figured I'd write a few thoughts.

Sanders and I are getting increasingly serious. We are talking about marriage which seems crazy to me. It's only been a few months, and I still seem to find my mind wandering to thoughts of Andrea often. However, I adore Sanders. We have so much fun together. She is very smart. She is beautiful. I know she cares about me. Our ability to communicate with each other is unsurpassed in human history.

I do however find it interesting that we have not discussed what our status is. Terms like exclusive, together, DTR, boyfriend and girlfriend never seemed to enter into our conversations... yet marriage does. I don't want to rush into anything and I'm pretty sure she doesn't either. I'll admit, in the back of my mind I do think that because she's older that she is feeling more pressure than me. Then again, she seems to be just as comfortable as me in avoiding talk about our "status" as it were. So, the whole "older" thing is no doubt just in my mind.

Sanders does have a bit of history that I haven't brought up, not for any reason other than the fact that it hasn't been a good time to bring it up. Sanders is actually divorced. She waited for, and then married her high school sweetheart after he returned home from his mission. They were married for 3 years. In that time they managed to start up a scuba diving company in Costa Rica. (I know. Killer, right?)

Then, she caught him cheating on her. I'm fuzzy on the details, who left who, if they tried to reconcile, or whatever... because, really I don't care what the details are. I'm pretty sure even if they were explained to me in great clarity I wouldn't be able to fully understand because I have no perspective on that sort of ordeal. She divorced him. Paid him his portion of the scuba business, and kept running it on her own. At some point she felt that the Lord wanted her to serve a mission.

So she left her company in good hands and touted off to Ireland to spread the word. That's where I enter the picture and we've gotten down to this point. Sanders still owns her scuba company, and is finishing up a couple of business courses at SUU before she returns to Costa Rica to live out her life.

Honestly, the idea of moving out to Costa Rica and playing with my kids on the beach while my amazing wifey brings home the bacon is titillating. In fact, I could make up no better life... well maybe I could, I do have quite an imagination, but living in a spaceship with robots that call me Master Jake starts getting impractical... or does it? Hmmm

Well anyway, we were having one of our "if we were married" talks again. Sanders suggested that were she to have children, her husband would need to stay home and take care of them, for the most part. She suggested that, indeed, her hubby would be able to run it with her, but that she would generally need to be at work, working, like 40 hours a week. She asked me if I was put in that position if I would feel emasculated. I responded that I could think of no proof of manliness more concrete than having a wife who loves me so much that she would actually make all our money and let me stay home and raise our children.

She said that it wouldn't be just cartoons and Chutes and Ladders. I told her I would make an awesome stay at home daddy, I would clean and learn to cook, and always have her nice little meals ready when she got home. I also pointed out how sexy I think I would look in an apron...

Diapers? No problem. Vomit? Piece of cake. Homework? She might have to help us with spelling. I could probably get into scrapbooking too... I mean I write a stinking blog, I'm halfway to homemaker already, right? Sanders seemed pretty skeptical. I scoffed at the idea of this even being a discussion.

Honestly, are there men out there who would not be thrilled to be put in this position? How is "emasculate" even a word? Just by using it in a sentence (unless restating like I did) a guy is automatically a ferry. My roommates are all envious. Aaron is already planning a trip to Costa Rica and hoping to mooch his way through scuba certification.

Anyway, I find myself fantasizing about wearing board shorts, every day, for the rest of my life. Those thoughts are fun until questions like, "But do I love her?" and "Why can't I stop comparing her to Andrea?" and "Why hasn't she pushed for a DTR?" pop into my head.

Most likely I am over analyzing things too early on. Sure 22 is young to be married... but if it's right... if it would make us both happy... then I don't want to toss away an opportunity just because I'm too young or unprepared. At the same time, it's something I need to be sure of before progressing anything.

I should really focus on getting Sanders a Christmas present sometime today or tomorrow instead of wallowing in thoughts of a possible future life. One step at a time seems to be the most prudent course of action. I can't help what's on my mind though, and you benefit (or suffer) from me spewing it onto the pages of this blog.

So I guess the point of this whole post is, do you have any gift suggestions for a "not-girlfriend"?

Jake

57 comments:

Shelby Lou said...

This seems really hard. I know you're supposed to have that charming, I'm-a-guy-and-a-whole-lot-more-of-one-then-Calvin thing going on. BUT I feel for you. Really for some reason, I don't know if this is how you're feeling and I could be totally off base, but it seems like you are totally confused, but that you want not to be. (Don't we all) Kind of like, you want Sanders to just say, hey let's commit to being Boyfriend & Girlfriend. Then see if you forget about Andrea... Then progress in the relationship. I don't know. I feel like, you need someone to talk to? Is that weird.

ANYWAYS on the flip side.

Costa Rica? That is cool. You being a stay at home dad, seeing as you want to be the father of 8 or more kids, seems realistic. Totally. Ummm yeah, I think you should get her something funny, like an inside joke kind of gift. That way, there is no pressure, but she knows you thought about it.

kbyeee

xXxedward.is.my.heroinxXx said...

My guy friends for Xmas always get me something like cheap jewelry, clothes, a giftcard to my favorite store, or a giftcard to starbucks. I also get bombarded with nail polish buckets by my guy friends. And lipstick (I dont wear gloss whenever I go out my long hair always gets stuck in it) LOL :) hope I helped a little! :)

Kellie said...

Andrea and you seemed to really have something together, so don't expect to completely forget about her very quickly. It's kinda hard to just force certain thoughts out of your mind.. no matter what it is. I wouldn't say it's anything to really worry about though :)

Anywho.. a life in Costa Rica? Could that get any more sweet? I'd be happy with a life where I don't struggle through paying bills- I could live in freakin' Minnesota for all I care. No..that's a lie. I'd never live in Minnesota. You get the point though? As for a Christmas present, all I can say is good luck. :)

Ashton Dene' said...

I think Shelby has a great idea for a gift, thoughtful but not super serious like. You would hate to be the guy in those Target commercials and have the girl say "I didn't realize we were here yet...)

As for Costa Rica? Awesome. Stay at home dad? Double Awesome. If it works for the two of you then that is great!

x, ash

alyssa said...

So, is your reaction to a married-too-young&divorced LDS girl typical? I mean is it no big deal to most LDS guys? Being one myself, I always wondered how other people, especially guys I date henceforth, will look at me. I keep it a secret from the public at large & only tell a guy about my "past" if it looks like a serious relationship is eminent.

alyssa said...

So, is your reaction to a married-too-young&divorced LDS girl typical? I mean is it no big deal to most LDS guys? Being one myself, I always wondered how other people, especially guys I date henceforth, will look at me. I keep it a secret from the public at large & only tell a guy about my "past" if it looks like a serious relationship is eminent.

karlielsa said...

You are in denial. Stay at home dad? Come on, think about it. It sounds awesome when you think about but actually doing it. Being a parent is harder than people think. Sure it's easier for some than others but day after day FOREVER. Costa Rica, the beach playing with kids sounds like a dream but that's a dream world. Your wife is out working bringing home the cash when you are at home trying to handle the kids wanting to blow your brains out. I am not saying that being the stay at home parent isn't rewarding but one day you may resent your decision and maybe even Sanders. Guys are the workers and women have the maternal instincts. That's the way it is. Maybe you may think you can handle it but truly think about what you would be getting yourself into.

Anonymous said...

Ah, the 'not-girlfriend' gift dilemma...

Mistletoe?

That or a Snuggie. ;)

Anonymous said...

Ah, the 'not-girlfriend' gift dilemma...

Mistletoe?

That, or a Snuggie ;)

Anonymous said...

You know, I don't know if my wife and I ever had an actual DTR where we proclaimed that we were, at a certain point, officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Our conversations where more like what you and Sanders talk about. . . future, family, and things like that. I knew how much she cared for me and I knew how much I cared about her. Things progressed and, well, the rest is history.

I think that what you're dealing with here is a relationship between two mature (some people reading this blog may not agree :)) adults, and these relationships don't always need to be officially defined, strictly speaking. In my experience it was more of a milestone type of thing. . . holding hands, kissing, talking about the future, saying (and meaning) "I love you", detailed discussions about the future, thinking you want to marry the girl, praying if it's the right thing to do, buying the ring. . . anyway, you know the drill.

Don't get hung up on the DTR. . . go with the flow and see where it takes you.

Good luck!

Kristin Lee said...

Sounds pretty confusing. In all honesty I think that the more you dwell on the future the more miserable you get. If you two are talking about marriage, I would assume that's DTR, right? But obviously I haven't been exposed to enough Mormon culture, so don't take my word for it. You could get her a scarf or something...

Also. When you said you looked sexy in an apron all that popped into my head was a guy in JUST an apron and it made me laugh, so thanks for that.

Busy Bee Lauren said...

I guess that's cool that she wants you to be a stay-at-home dad. I just feel weird about it. Does she not want to be home with the kids as much as she can? I am sorta old fashioned and can't wait to mother kids and be with them. I dunno.

Anyway, as for gifts...get her a snuggie. I bet you could fit in there for all of your spooning and horizontal makeouts.

Bonnie said...

I think you should make some of those cute coupons like "gas money to come see me" maybe i'm just a sucker for those kinds of gifts. also anything that shows your crafty will add up those stay at home dad points....

plus... andrea... still? ;)

Busy Bee Lauren said...

Aw crap, someone else said a Snuggie.

How about some "bump its"? Oh wait...she is from Utah. She just naturally has the poof hair, probably :)

Alexandra said...

I think Sanders is awesome. Just in case you need any reassurance.
What good is a DTR, anyway? So you can change your facebook status and introduce her as your girlfriend?
Sounds like things are going really well for you two, and honestly, she sounds really with it and like a great person, so I don't think her being divorced is a huge issue. Sure it's something you two will have to work through and whatnot, but. She sounds like a not-psycho.

You're welcome for the ridiculously long comment?

Autumn said...

Dang boy. You really have something with her. And I hate sounding religious, but, Pray about it boy. Heavenly Father will help you. Don't put off marriage for anything. It's a form of idolism :] Good luck!

Bonnie said...

Alllllso, DTR's are way overrated. I think I had them with my non serious stupid 3 month boyfriends... not my hubs or the man i waited for on a mission.

Alexandra said...

Oh. Christmas idea. Um. My...boyfriend? (oh look, you're not the only one avoiding the DTR) got me Ben-Hur (the book) because we've talked about it a bunch and it's one of his favorites that I wanted to read, and a Weezer CD that I didn't already have. So what I'm getting at is maybe something that means something/that you've talked about that you both like or whatever could work.

Paula said...

yeah, she will never figure out that you are the author of this blog.

alishka babushka said...

that's a hard one. gift cards are awesome if you know her favorite store to shop.

My BF is always great to get me something that he knows i need, but that i don't realize i need. awesome sauce.

Mary said...

heck yes, get her a snuggie.

Mel said...

"Just by using it in a sentence (unless restating like I did) a guy is automatically a ferry." <- I don't understand this, do you mean fairy? As in feminine? And am I the only one who noticed this? Or am I missing something?

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Uh, yeah Mel... ewe knead too reference back two the part wear eye say, she'll have too help me with spelling.

I was going to pretend that "ferry" is some new slang four wussy... but figured I'd just admit spelling isn't my strong suit.

-j

Ru said...

The present: Anything will be awesome. She's going to love fact that you thought of getting her something at Christmas at all.

The stay-at-home-dad issue: I respectfully disagree with the folks who claim that women are more nurturing than men. If you're a parent, you have parenting instincts. If kids are getting taken care of, then the whole family is happy. It doesn't matter who does what at any given time. You know you and Sanders best, you will know if that will work for you two. Other people's opinions are just so much hot air. Besides, Sanders isn't asking for a binding contract, she's asking if you would be open to the possibility. If you two are so great at communicating now, just make sure you keep at that. If at any point either of you is unhappy with your arrangement, it can be readjusted.

Eve said...

If she moves back to Costa Rica without you two becoming too serious, let me know. My own brother is divorced and decided to move to Costa Rica for the adventure. If the picture you paint of her is accurate (adventurous, smart, spiritual, and pretty) then some great guy needs to snatch her up. I just happen to think my brother is amazing.

I was divorced at a young age as well. I met my husband in Southern California and here we are 9 years later, I couldn't imagine life without him.
I'm so glad he wasn't turned off by the fact that I'd been married before.

whyimstillsingle said...

I love that you are so open to the idea of possibly following your wife overseas for her job. I'm looking for a guy like that myself. Thanks for reminding me of the appeal of younger and mold-able guys. Haha.

Declarations of a Drama Diva said...

Jewlery is always good but from how I visualize her... she might not wear much. In that case simple ear studs are good or a simple silver necklace (for church).

Think if she's mentioned anything... even stupid stuff like a calculator... and then and the pair of cute earing studs of a necklace....

Also.... When you seriously start to think about marriage just remember if you doubt.. that is your answer. Even if someone seems perfect... sometimes they just aren't the one. Good luck!

Val Hunter said...

Times are changing Jake! I know many men who are stay at home Dads and the wife brings in lots of bacon. Basically it comes down to what's best for a family, and there is nothing more manly than stepping up to the plate and making wise financial decisions even if it means you have to be the SAHD for a while. I know my husband would do it if needed. As far as gifts go...we don't know much about what Sander's likes...Don't get her a gift card...make it personal, when I was dating my husband he gave me a maccoroni necklace (along with other things!) but how cool is that?! Home-made is awesome! Maybe you could get her a spa certificate to pamper herself, or if she loves instruments buy her a few lessons or maybe a knitting class. I dunno, may sound lame. But that's what I like.

Julie said...

A "not-girlfriend" Christmas gift...if she enjoys reading, you could get her "The Hunger Games" and "Catching Fire". They are a great read. If you have an Origins store in your area, you could get her Ginger Body Wash and Lotion...Their Ginger line smells so good. This would also be a little more personal than a book.

Snuggie??? She is only in Utah for the next couple of months. Once she is back in the tropics she will have no use for a snuggie. Just something to consider...

darlene said...

what about you own dreams? don't you have something else you'd like to do besides being a stay at home dad?

amanda leeann said...

you don't ever really forget someone you were truly in love with.

comparing someone to someone else is natural, for a good period of time.

see where it takes you!

i think it's great that you want to be a stay at home dad - i think the world needs more of that. i work at a daycare, staffed mostly by women, and the kids listen so much better to the few men who work there. not very many kids have a strong male influence in their life.

i say props to you for being willing to take on that role!

Ash Att said...

A date night box. you can put a blanket, movie and popcorn in there. or even add a dinner card. that way your spending money on her but its also for you too. just a thought

Anonymous said...

Dumbest post ever...srsly.

Jenny Cawley said...

i actually have been, and am in, the same type of situations. i am kind-of in a don't-really-know-for-sure-what-we-are-yet relationship, and seeing as i have never been in a relationship around the holidays i have never had to worry about getting a present. i didn't want to do something too much because... what if he didn't get anything for me..ya know what i mean? anyway.. so he LOVES David Bowie, and i screen-print t-shirts, so i made up a print for him. home-made and thoughtful. think about doing something that shows you know her and her personality, but not expensive(also integrating inside jokes that show your history together are great).trust me most girls feel more uncomfortable than grateful when given an expensive present.
i also know how you feel trying to get over Andrea. i broke up with a guy in April and it was literally 6 months before i wasn't thinking about him every day.i think that giving a new relationship a chance. a REAL chance. is the best and only thing you can do. :) good luck!

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Others have said, I'll second it. Pray about it. If you want to spend your whole life with her, pray about it.

Something I have learned is that when you want it, when you have gotten to know that person and want to marry them, pray. Pray about timing, pray about it general. It may be a 'not-yet' answer, but take it up with the Lord and tell him how you feel, and if you do want this. Say you would like to marry her, then ask if is in accordance with his will.

There is never a rush, but sometimes quick engagements are meant to be. Hope everything turns out.

KatOfDiamonds said...

Trying really hard not to go apesh*t on the commenter who pulled out men are workers and women are homemakers bullhooey and focus on the post at hand....

Honestly, I am thankful you wrote this blog. I am constantly thinking in the future when I am starting out with someone I have feelings for. Even when they are just a cute face in the stream of faces, I guess. But it is nice to see a male looking at it the same way.

As far as a gift, think of something quirky and personal but not too gushy or romantic. It will help with the status quot around the holiday. You don't want to have the extra Christmas cheer messing with and possibly adding 'status' pressure.

Anonymous said...

keep the gift cute and classy. sanders seems like the kind of girl who wouldn't care what you got her, so just make it something she'll laugh at or something you've talked about before. honestly she's going to like anything you have for her.

Rocketgirl said...

Re-read Andrea's letter - that sounded like she was an 8th grader. Seems like you're in the middle - one too mature, one under... methinks you have a few more oats to spread.

Jenn said...

Am I the only one who had to google "DTR"?

I agree with Kristen. Just let things flow as they may.

I also think a scarf would be a perfect gift since a DTR convo has never been had :)

Thanks for making me smile, MBP Boys

Anonymous said...

Jake's last few posts sound more like Calvin wrote them....

Chad and Clair said...

Did anyone else think this story sounded a little....farfetched. I'm not saying it is, but Sanders's life seems pretty surreal. A scuba diving company in Costa Rica?
As for the stay-at-home dad thing. While it's true that most men are more prone to be workers and women are more nurturing and this better stay at home mom's, I really don't think that has or is the norm for everyone.

Anonymous said...

I've had to sit back and seriously ask myself if I wanted to be with someone more times than I care to remember. And every time I've done this I've found myself asking, "Do I really like this person, or am I just in love with the IDEA of this person?" When I find myself admitting its just the idea of them, I know it isn't right - its not fair to them.

As for being divorced . . . I'm only 23 but I run with an older crowd and half my guy friends are divorced. Being female, in Utah, and LDS - I don't doubt that the divorcee's often get the short end of the stick because they're viewed as being "tainted." It's never bothered me, but probably because I didn't grow up here and I adamantly feel that what's happened to you in the past only shapes who you are, not defines you. How you got to be the person you are is important, but often you don't have control over the things you experience. Only the way you choose to handle them. Sanders looks to have handled things beautifully.

Haley said...

I think just the fact that you keep having these "what if" convos, without having had an actual DTR yet is a sign, even if it's a small sign. It means she must be thinking about some of this stuff on her own time, too. And I think that's a good thing. I like where this is going. :)

And I LOVE the idea of getting her a Snuggie. Inside joke gifts are the best- very personal and then she knows you've actually thought about the gift. And jewelry is always a good choice. Just make sure it's sort of "her style", not just something "shiny" & "nice" you picked out at Walmart.

kelzone said...

why are you taking relationship advice from people you don't even know?

Megan said...

Ha ha ha, Kelzone must be new to this blog. Jake and Calvin never listen to anyones advice. Infact their constant refusal to listen to reason make me think these events have already happened.

Merry Christmas guys! We still going to see ratings tomorrow?

Blazzer said...

Just because Jake is talking about his feelings doesn't make him like Calvin. Calvin writes about his feelings like a girl does, and Jake writes about his feelings like a man does.

You are both incredible.

Happy Christmas lads, it's been Christmas in England for 45 mins. Best wishes and all that!

-Blazzer

Tara said...

Jake, I adore you.

Far fetched? After reading MBP for a few months, I'm convinced they can't make this stuff up.

Love every post!

Can't wait to see the ratings!!!! Can't. Wait.

artsyesque said...

Don't marry her just b/c you think you will make each other happy. 'Happy' is fleeting. Could you love her if she drove you crazy for 9 months every time she's pregnant with your babies? (<- experience speaking) Down the road will you grow to resent the fact that she is the one who brings home the bacon? If anything, take it slower rather than faster. The more you know each other before you're even in a relationship the better. You seem like a super guy. Don't be in a rush. There are lots of great girls. Sanders seems like an awesome girl. It seems like she knows what she wants in life. You are in the 'fun' part of life... figuring out who you are, having new experiences, etc...

Sorry for the epistle. LOL.

P.S. I love your blog...

Anonymous said...

Jake, you are my favorite.

Anonymous said...

wow

bd said...

Jake-

If I were in your shoes I'd make sure she was willing to give up as much as you're being asked to sacrifice. Tell her that you plan to go to Grad School in North Dakota or something and ask her if she would put her plans on hold to be with you there. If she says no than you know where she stands... she just wants you because you are young and she can manipulate you easily.

I'd give her a big test, and then if she passes (subjective) you can actually try doing what she wanted.

BTW- She can be a very "hands on" business owner from home. All she needs is a good manager. Call me old fashioned but I think there is reason women have breasts... because they are supposed to be with the children the most.

bd

Little Miss Paige said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ryan Hadlock said...

Jake, I gotta believe you've changed the country of the Scuba company. HOWEVER, if you didn't, I may know who Sanders is and she's HOT, good job.

Now, forget about the stupid DTR. If you want to be with her, be with her. If not, move along. If you get to where you want to get married, make sure you're both getting what you need out of the deal, don't ignore anything. And, just cuz she's divorced doesn't mean crap, other than she may be able to teach you a thing or two in bed (you hope). Sometimes 2 people get together that don't belong together and they divorce (1/2 the time ;-) ) doesn't mean she's tainted at all!

Also, forget about Andrea, sheesh! That ship has sailed, you didn't love her, so forget her. You can not judge a new person by a past one, it's not fair to the new person or to you. And if Andrea was so great, you'd have stuck with her, I don't care about your lame "you're too good for me" speech.

Date Sanders, have some fun, worry about the future in the future after you've been dating for a while longer, like at least 6 months ;-)

Hailey Jones said...

first.
we love sanders @ the jones home.
sometimes while we are eating dinner and watching "the first 48" (great tv show)
our convo goes like this;
Nic: how was your day?
Hai(Me): Good. You?
Nic: Great.
Hai: Did you read about Jake and Sanders
Nic: yes, I like her. SHe is great.
Hai: I know, i hope that she doesn't get mad if she reads the blog.
Nic: I know, if she is cool enough to marry, she won't.

This is not a joke.

thanks.
for bringing joy into our home.

ps.
No dtr needed.

and i never asked you to rate me because, i'm married so i figure that is weird.
but then i decide it's not that weird because nic could just boost my self esteem if i get like a 2 or something. hahahha.

but, thanks for defining people who only post photoshoped pics of themselves aka branson haacke (look him up, it's way funny)

Anyway...
because i have some way ug pics on the facebook/blog world.
but...
it is what it is.
right?

love,

your biggest fans
mr and mrs jones

THE Stephanie said...

Ha ha! I love how you turned that whole "deep thought" blog around at the end into, "so tell me what to get her for Christmas since we're not exclusive." LOL

If it's right, you'll know. And age is just a number. My husband was 19 when we got married and we've been happily married for almost 11 years.

You'll know...

Piship said...

I'm curious but when did being a stay at home parent become such a wonderful and highly recommended occupation? For the past 40-50 years all we've heard is how miserable it is for women to be home all day. How frustrated, depressed, unfulfilled they are. How financially dependent they are, how they "wasted" their education, how it's so much better to have an "egalitarian" relationship with both having careers and both taking equal responsibility for home and childcare. I wonder how many of you saying how awesome it is are planing to do it yourselves?

Anonymous said...

nice read. I would love to follow you on twitter.