Funny in a Different Way

Some people close to Jake and I have suggested we put together some sort of lease agreement for our renters. We've decided this is probably a good idea. However, we're not gonna make Aaron or Lance sign one. Since we're already friends with them, we've decided to trust them. I think making one of your best friends sign a lease seems kind of shallow. I know at least a few of you know-it-all's are thinking, "Well, what about Nick, Calvin? Huh? He's your best friend and he totally screwed you guys." Well, that's true. He did. And I'm still pissed about it, but I have a hard time believing that a lease would have changed the situation at all. Hypothetically, I'd have said, "Well, Nick, I know you don't want to pay us, but see this piece of paper that you signed? That means you have to pay us." Then Nick would say, "Or else what?" I'd Google some options, then call him two hours later and say, "Or else I take you to court and get a judgment against you." Then he'd say, "So? What if I still don't pay you?" Then I'd hang up on him all rude like, do some more Googling, then call him back a few hours later and say, "Then I hire a constable to serve you paperwork, fill out several forms and attempt to have your wages garnished." Then he'd say, "Doesn't that cost money?" At that point I'd still have Google pulled up on my computer and I could reply with "Yeah. A little." Then Nick would say, "Well, I'm not all that happy with my current employer. I'd probably just switch jobs if you started garnishing my wages." See where I'm going with this? A lease wouldn't have changed anything. Making NEW tenants sign a lease, however, is different. Our relationship from the beginning would be Landlord first, Friend second.

Nick still comes over pretty much every day. I don't talk to him. I give him the silent treatment... kinda like I'm either in second grade or gay. A couple of days ago, after Nick left, Aaron asked why I was being such a dick. I said, "Cause he totally screwed us out of rent for February and half of March. Doesn't that piss you off?" Jake doesn't care one tiny bit. I think Jake's exact response was yelled from the other room, "Who took my wet laundry out of the washer and just set it on top?". Aaron and Nick have been friends for a lot longer than anyone else, so Aaron's response was, "Why are you letting a couple hundred dollars ruin a friendship." I said, "What friendship? A friend doesn't do that. If he was really my friend, he'd pay me and YOU and Jake what he owes us."

Blah blah blah. Enough of that. It's boring.

We went over to the Heights for a little while last night. We bounced from apartment to apartment, but ultimately ended up at Shelly, Raquel, and Daisy's place. It's pretty awesome being surrounded by so many women who seem to be genuinely interested in us ('me' more specifically). I don't get to go there as often as everyone else with my school and work schedules so I feel left out a lot of the time. But I go when I can. (I've actually been skipping one of my night classes a LOT more than I'm comfortable with.)

So, anyway, last night we're all hanging out together. Shelly (the sheltered "Molly" 'b' who Lance is trying to steal, even though she likes me... maybe) wasn't giving any one person any sort of special attention. I honestly sat there and watched everyone else interacting, talking about things that happened when I wasn't there. It was pretty frustrating. Jake is usually my wingman, but he was focusing on Claire. I actually think it's pretty funny watching him interact with her. I know he likes her, but she doesn't. So all of the hints he's dropping are getting ignored since she's so clueless, or pretending to be clueless.

Then Aaron says to Claire, "Can I use your bathroom?" I had been looking for an opportunity to play this little joke and it seemed ideal to be doing it in a co-ed situation. I thought it would be a lot funnier. So I hurry up and say, "Wait, Aaron. Number one or number two?" [Side Note: Casually talking about bodily functions in mixed company has a way of automatically separating the girls into personality types right away. I subtly glanced around the room looking for smiles, or even chuckles. Those are my type and there were a couple of them. The girls who pretended they didn't even hear me are usually boring or way too prissy. The only girl making the "gross out" face with accompanying gasp, was Shelly. That kind of threw me off a bit. I'd heard she had a crush on me, but she's also a genuine bitch. Like, not the fake kind. A real, actual, down to earth, judgmental, hyper-sensitive, easily offended, hard to read, bitch. And it's such a turn on. Kinda like I know I'm gonna have to really EARN her affection.] Aaron unabashedly replies, "Number two." I say, "Do you mind if I go in front of you? I only have to pee and I don't want to wait." Of course, Aaron doesn't have a problem with me going first.

It was a perfect opportunity to play my little joke. I hadn't done it to any of my current roommates, but I did it all the time when I was growing up. I would put the seat down, get my hand wet in the sink, and sprinkle drops of water all over the toilet seat. It's awesome. Aaron was going to come in after me and one of two things were going to happen. He would either yell at me from the bathroom... something like, "Dude, Calvin! You peed all over the seat." At which point everyone would laugh cause I'd have already whispered to everyone what I'd done. Another possibility was that Aaron wouldn't notice the gleaming droplets on the seat and would remain clueless until he felt the wetness on his upper thighs and buttocks. Then he'd be too embarrassed to yell anything cause he'd have "pee" all over himself. We'd all laugh at him when he came out and I'd be the most popular guy in the room... right where I belong.

I stayed in the bathroom just long enough so I'd be convincing, then I walked out of the bathroom and announced, "Okay, Aaron. You're up!" Unfortunately, Shelly squeezed past me and said, "Aaron said I could go in front of him." She went in the bathroom and closed the door.

My smile faded. I froze. Seriously. I don't freeze very often. I didn't know what to do. I walked briskly to the couch and sat down. I didn't say anything to anyone. Shelly came out a few minutes later. She didn't say anything, either. She got something out of the fridge, like a bottled water or something and then went into her room. I wanted to tell Jake about it so we could laugh and be the life of the party, but he was swooning all over Claire and I thought that if I said anything at that point, it might be at Shelly's expense and I didn't want to embarrass her.

I told Jake about it today. He thought it was pretty funny... you know... cause it is. He's gonna tell Claire in the hopes that she'll pass it on to Shelly at some point. So hopefully I still have a chance.

Calvin