Sunday, May 16, 2010

Faux Dream

Kristen is doing everything right in this situation. It sucks pretty bad, cause I keep looking for reasons to justify my behavior, but she's not giving me anything to work with. I hate when girls do that.

I recognize how little sense I'm making right now. I dedicated an entire post to my history with Kristen. I purposely went out of my way to make sure you understood how awesome she is. And I still do think she's great, which makes it even harder to explain my attitude and behavior.

It's weird, too, cause since I've been writing this blog I've been forced to look at myself through the eye's of other people. I pretend like the comments don't influence my actions, but they might, you know? Most normal guys don't have blogs. They don't tell their stories. And if they DO tell their stories and if they're gay enough to actually blog, then the people who read their blog are probably friends and family. Everyone knows that those people can't be trusted to speak their minds... at least not as openly and honestly as complete strangers, like you douchers.

So Jake and I write this blog. We read the comments. We publish 98% of them. But we still make bad decisions and stupid mistakes. It's like we have 75 sets of parents and they're all telling us to do the same things. The funny part is, we know what we should do. We just don't do it. We're just as good at ignoring you as we are at ignoring our real parents.

Everyone tells me to just call Kristen. I know I should call her. But I haven't. And I probably won't. Why? Because I don't really want to. Sure, she's one of my best high school buddies. But who cares? We're not in high school anymore. She lives 35 miles away. I don't see her very often anyway. What am I really losing? She'll get married in the next few years and I won't be far behind her hopefully. Then what? It's not like we're gonna still be friends. Seriously. That's what marriage is, isn't it? Aren't we supposed to leave our friends behind and cling to our spouse? I'm sure I've heard that somewhere. I'll still keep Jake close to my heart, but I honestly don't expect to keep any of my female friends, so what's the difference? It's either leave her behind now or in a couple of years.

So if I'm not going to marry Kristen (which I'm not), then what's the point? Before we made out my argument would have been different, but only because I secretly wanted to roll around with her. I don't expect girls to understand, but it's almost impossible for me (and most guys?) to honestly assess my feelings for a girl until I've had my tongue in her mouth. Once I've kissed a girl for an extended period of time, then I can actually step back and dissect my feelings without the burden of horizontal curiosity. I'm constantly amazed with how much I think I like a girl until I kiss her. It's like... when our lips touch I can physically feel my interest waning. With each nibble of her ear, I think, "This is fun... but I'm not really interested in this girl."

I'm rambling. I know. Kristen called me on Friday. I let it go to voice mail... like I usually do. I heard my phone beep about two minutes after it stopped ringing. I noticed she had left me a message. I felt like I do when debt collectors call. I was tempted to delete it without listening to it like I do with my overdue bill messages. If I don't hear the message then it never existed.

I couldn't bring myself to listen to it... or delete it. So the message sat there for about two hours while I watched TV. I had a hard time focusing, though, cause I really wanted to know what Kristen had to say... but I simultaneously wanted Kristen to live in Canada.

I listened to it and it made my stomach hurt. I tried half-heartedly to figure out a way to upload her message to the blog, but then figured I'd also need to figure out a way to change her voice, so I just gave up. I will transpose the message she left in it's entirety:

"Hey Calvin. It's Kristen. I haven't heard from you in a few days. (sigh) I had the weirdest dream I wanted to tell you about. (pause) I dreamed that you were avoiding me because you felt... uncomfortable talking to me about something. In my dream, I kept telling you that you didn't need to feel stupid. I begged you to not leave me behind cause I think you were leaving or moving on in some way or something. I did everything I could think of to make sure you felt okay about whatever was bothering you. So anyway... weird dream, huh? I hope to talk to you soon, Calvin. See ya."

It was pretty obvious that Kristen didn't really have any dream... but I thought it was a creative way to get it out in the open. I'm not really interested, though. We have a lot of other things going on this summer and I'm pretty sure I'll be just fine without Kristen in my life. She is pretty awesome, though.

Calvin

49 comments:

Anonymous said...

why would you have to lose your female friends once you get married? that's crap, buddy.. and i think it's sad that you don't want anything to do with her now, especially since she's awesome. so i say call her (even though you won't ;))

Crystal said...

God I want to punch you sometimes. Geez man.

harli said...

Ugh Calvin, you can be such an idiot sometimes!

Ashley Lois said...

seriously? ok this girl sounds great and you're just gonna blow her off like that? even if you know you aren't going to marry her, just give it a shot, cuz you never know what'll come from it! who cares if the "dr pepper" hurt "your throat" and you're too embarrassed to talk to her about it. you guys are pretty much best friends, and she might laugh about it for a while, but she'll get it and it won't be a big deal. kristen sounds great and you just need to man up and talk to her.

i'm gonna throw in that i think you guys should date too, but definitely take care of the talking part first.

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

It has nothing to do with how awesome Kristin is. Nor does kissing someone help Calvin decide whether he likes a girl or not. Once he kisses someone he's NEVER still interested.

Why? Because he's a guy like Tiger. He's incapable of having a real relationship with a girl. As soon as he has his "tongue in her mouth" he doesn't want it anymore. He's fooling himself, it's not that once they kiss he doesn't like them anymore, it's once they kiss they become a conquest and he drops them for the next flavor of the week. He's incapable of building a relationship with anyone because he's only interested in "The Chase" and is too lazy to work for anything.

Calvin is the kind of man who will never be happy. He'll get divorced 2 or 3 times, probably for issues with infidelity. Then he'll spend the rest of his life alone. I dated a girl like this. I don't feel sorry for you, actually I'm glad, it's what people like you deserve.

LovelyLauren said...

do you ever get tired of being a moron? Because I think it must be exhausting acting so stupid for so much of the time.

You're always talking about eternal companions and whatnot, but you'll never, ever find one if you can't just man up and do the right thing for once.

Lesli Joe said...

It is totally true - you won't be friends once one of you marries. That is how the world works. Guys keep their guy friends and girls keep their girl friends. Maybe you would become friends with a friends husband, who you would call and do things with, but you will never ever be friends with a girl again once one of you is married.

And, by the way, I HATE all the negative comments people leave on your blog. I mean, seriously? If they don't like what you have to say, then they shouldn't read it. And they shouldn't criticize your "spirituality" by leaving mean and nasty and completely non-Christ-like comments. It is just so hypocritical.

(okay stepping off the soap box now)

The Lady Girl said...

Yeah...you're a moron. Some friend... When you get married, you will be one of those married couple's that no one want's to be around anyways.

Kel said...

You should at least call her for her sake, to set her mind at ease. You're just being rude otherwise, going on and on about how awesome she is and then not having the decency to talk to her.

Anonymous said...

so are kristin and kristen two different people or are you really that idiotic?

i am confused

Little Debi said...

You make me really sad.

Bad Horse said...

So what is there to say? You know what you should do but you don't do it.

You, and Jake, both know how to get a woman, make her laugh, heck, even treat them right. Yeah, you may sound like abusive punks here, but you wouldn't have Kristen be interested in you, or girls into Jake, if there wasn't something they liked about you personality wise.

Which means you are obviously great guys. You are great friends with Kristen, you are super attracted to her and have great chemistry. You could make it work.
What's stopping you? Fear of being settled down. You are not ready to give up the life of being a bachelor.

And what are you losing? You are losing out on experiences. Relationship experiences. You can figure any girl you are interested can fall in love with someone else. Or you can date her and enjoy the journey. You can put in the effort to be married. Cause obviously you still are interested in Kristen after kissing her.

Post mission life isn't just about getting married. Marriage isn't the next huge step. That is a mistake in our subculture. Enjoy the time you have being single, put yourself on the line and have a relationship. If you get married, huzzah! If not, then at least you have the memories and have learned from it all. You can't get relationship experience making out with girls on a one time basis.

But as you said, you aren't doing what you need to do. I hope you still are writing when you decide to put forth the effort to woo and pursue a girl for me to read.

Good luck

Anonymous said...

For the questions about the hateful comments;

I cannot speak for everybody, but honestly, why does it matter? It isn't like Calvin and Jake take anyone's advice. And we can't all be fawning girls either.

There are probably some who think the whole blog is fake and don't mind trashing something fake.

Others do it for chuckles, or boredom, or for some other reason entirely.

Erin said...

you're stupid.
suck it up.

Anonymous said...

i only read this blog every now and again, and think you are hilarious, but when i read that 'she lvies 35 mils away', you make it seem like she lives half way around the world. you obviously like this girl, you write about her alot. i dont understand why you're even debating puresuing her. just do it you idiot! she sounds like a winner, don't lose her. if 35 miles is a problem for you, then obviously you don't deserve her. if people, like myself, can make relationships work with 6 hours of travel between them, then surely you can make the 35 mils trip to see a girl you're crazy about.

{The Huffakers} said...

Wow, you need to learn how to be smart in life. I don't care if you ever talk to Kristen again but you at least owe her an explanation of why you're being so gay.

Autumn said...

What the?!? I'd like to junk punch you right now. You're an idiot, but I'm sure you already know that. Plus, it's not like you're taking our advice. You're simply ignoring us.

Jade said...

Calvin, I really just want to strangle you right now and shake some sense into you or maybe the idiot/stupidity out of you.

Kristin is going to be understanding about it all, for heaven's sake if she called you she's willing to do her part to get past the awkward part of things from your little incident. What more do you want Calvin? You have a girl who you have great chemistry with, who is actually a pretty cool girl that's still willing to be friends with you even after all the crap you give her in return since you haven't decided to grow up and be a man and either take a chance with her or tell her strait up that your done.

Honestly, from the sounds of it Kristin is a great catch and if you think your going to find someone who you have great chemistry with and who who's going to put up with your crap like she has and is still willing to put it behind her and still try and atleast salvage the friendship, your really pressing your luck Calvin, your really pressing it.

Have fun regretting this one in the future Calvin, this one sounds like it's going to be a similar situation to what Jake's been feeling since he found out that Andrea is getting married. Bottom line is your being a total ass for not talking to her one way or the other, whether you repair things and are friends or date again or whether you just tell her to forget you cuz your done. YOU ARE BEING SO DUMB!!! WAKE UP CALVIN YOUR MISSING OUT On atleast keeping an awesome cool friend who just happens to be a girl, and who's to say that you can't still be friends later, who knows.... BUT I DO know that YOU DON"T KNOW!

Anonymous said...

stupid! you're just trying to make an excuse for not calling her. there's no reason why you have to lose her once you're married...and how do you know she wont be the one you marry? jeez, grow a pair, and please just call her! you'll regret it.

Anonymous said...

douchebag.

B R I T N E Y said...

You're a douche. Period.

Anonymous said...

You obviously are living in Provo cause it is mainly BYU students that have the mentality that friends won't exist after marriagw.

Rachael said...

Lets try some reverse psychology; Don't call her.

Anti-Butt-Sniffer said...

Oh what's it matter, your probably ugly and have a super hair butt. Don't call her, she can find a guy with a nice ass of her own that will treat her right an actually have the balls to call her and please her one day. So don't call her, she doesn't need your ugly hairy butt anyways.

Little said...

wow...stop being stupid about this whole situation and just call her man! flip

anna said...

you are right. you won't keep her close once you're married. but since your parents are still in the same ward, you will probably run into her from time to time with your spouses and brood. it's best to call her and get the awkwardness out of the way so your spouse doesn't wonder why you act so weird around her...and then you have to tell your wife the whole story, otherwise she will think you still harbor feelings for kristen.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you just need an arranged marriage, that way you will stop hurting all these women.

Amanda Swafford said...

Kristen is going to be your Andrea.

Brooklyn said...

Don't listen to what any of these people say. You already know you don't want to marry the girl. Do her and yourself a favor and don't call. Sure, it sucks (especially for her) for awhile, and if you were decent you'd call her and break it to her rather than just make her wonder what's going on for forever, but either way--you know it's not going to work out. Don't lead her on.
You claim making bad decisions...I say right on with this one.

Anonymous said...

I read this today - Kind of reminded me of your blog lately.

http://xkcd.com/741/

Seems like you guys are developing a closer relationship with your Twilight-loving fans and haters than you are with the people you interact with in real life...

- Nate

Anonymous said...

Don't be a douche either. Call her and be direct, so you don't lead her on. Better than just letting the friendship fade.

ethan_marston said...

How do you ever expect to get married if you just ignore a girl after something awkward happens? I know the nervous feeling, but the closure and sense of accomplishment afterward are way better. Just talk to her.

Joie said...

You shouldn't call her. If you did you'd make her feel bad somehow for your insecurities and stupidity. Let her move on. I bet her life will be better without you! Why? Well, because she deserves someone that will treat her well and you obviously don't know how to do that.

I don't know why you even bother dating and since all you do is ignore them after you make-out. It's probably because you really have nothing to offer in a relationship right? Except narrow mindedness and a douche attitude!

Good luck to Kristen!

Nothing Jake and Calvin can't figure out for themselves. said...

Despite what verbal bashing you may or may not deserve, we do have a tendency to go too hard on you two. Sometimes we forget that you both don't always make out with every girl you can and that you are quite honorable in many intentions.

Sure, you may not know what you want or what you are doing, but not many of us do. We fail to remember that.

Heather Guymon said...

Did you just call me a doucher?

E. said...

Sounds to me like you probably have commitment issues.
I've witnessed that it's pretty common for young, single people.
In your words, roughly: 'they stalk their prey and attack', but as soon as they have captured that person... they get bored/scared, etc. and move on.
It comes across as pretty flaky, but hopefully you'll mature and grow out of it.

Anonymous said...

Here's the thing....do you really want to get married? I don't think you do. If you wanted to be married you'd be married. Simple as that! You aren't willing to leave your whoring days behind you yet, which is fine...just don't pretend like you are.

You remind me a lot of my husband when we first met. I quickly fell for him and he treated me like crap, would pull the same kind of stuff you just did with Kristen. We dated on and off for two years and one day he was talking to his father and confessing he didn't know what to do. He loved me but didn't know if I was "the one". Then his father said, "well have you tried treating her like your wife?"
And that's all it took. He started treating me like I was "the one", and we've now been married for 25 years and have 5 beautiful children.

I hope that you figure out what is going to make you happy Calvin. It's not horizontal makeouts, or treating women like they are tissue paper- good for one use and then easily thrown away.

Also...I'm pretty sure this blog is fictional so it's funny to me that I'm giving advice on something that's probably not even real anyway. But just in case...thought you should know.

Bad Horse said...

Heather: No. Should I?

2% said...

you know what you should do?

publish 100% of the comments.

i'm sick and tired of you rejecting my comments like i'm one of your makeouts that you kick to the curb after you use and abuse her.

VOR said...

She's gonna be your Andrea and boy are you gonna regret it. Either be a man and call her, tell her everything, from your dr pepper problem to how awesome you know she is OR shutup and move on. Make the decision right now and stick by it or you're gonna Keep hurting her.

Anonymous said...

Vor: Wrong post girl, this is Calvin, not Jake.

Daae' said...

Men can be such idiots. Really, I've experienced a few guys with the same mindset as yourself (and your current situation) and it was frustrating, annoying and a pain in the ass. Not to mention making me hate the guy even more since he kissed and then dropped out of the picture...

Idiots.

Amy said...

Calvin....your an idiot! You are lying to yourself AND Kristen! You know that right?

Jade said...

2:12 I beleive VOR was implying that Kristin is going to become an Andrea like what Jake has.

Anonymous said...

I would take care of the situation now. Otherwise it will be awkward if you ever get married and end up in the same ward. Trust me it happened to me, actually a guy I dated ended up being my home teacher after I was married and had my first child. I was glad we had an honorable past, or it would have been quite uncomfortable. Be careful what you do now, the world is smaller than you think and the girls you are with now can end up in your life again.

marthamaeloves said...

hahaha.
Oh man Calvin. You have so many fans. And I think the real reason girls hate you so much, is because they then look at the guys in their life and wonder if they are also Huge tools. Ignorance is Bliss.
haha thanks for shattering that dream world we all like to live in.
Today I saw a guy carrying roses, and for the first time before I thought "ohh what a sweetheart" I thought to myself "I wonder what he did, he is now trying to make up for."
Hate that I thought that, and hate that I might have been right.

well Calvin you should probably just send her a short text, letting her know you're still 12. :)

xoxo Martha

Kristin Lee said...

Her name is Kristen, obviously you're not going to get a girl better than that.

Anonymous said...

Don't just drop her. At least tell her bye. You owe an old friend that.

colleenroselle said...

that was gay.