Kristen is doing everything right in this situation. It sucks pretty bad, cause I keep looking for reasons to justify my behavior, but she's not giving me anything to work with. I hate when girls do that.
I recognize how little sense I'm making right now. I dedicated an entire post to my history with Kristen. I purposely went out of my way to make sure you understood how awesome she is. And I still do think she's great, which makes it even harder to explain my attitude and behavior.
It's weird, too, cause since I've been writing this blog I've been forced to look at myself through the eye's of other people. I pretend like the comments don't influence my actions, but they might, you know? Most normal guys don't have blogs. They don't tell their stories. And if they DO tell their stories and if they're gay enough to actually blog, then the people who read their blog are probably friends and family. Everyone knows that those people can't be trusted to speak their minds... at least not as openly and honestly as complete strangers, like you douchers.
So Jake and I write this blog. We read the comments. We publish 98% of them. But we still make bad decisions and stupid mistakes. It's like we have 75 sets of parents and they're all telling us to do the same things. The funny part is, we know what we should do. We just don't do it. We're just as good at ignoring you as we are at ignoring our real parents.
Everyone tells me to just call Kristen. I know I should call her. But I haven't. And I probably won't. Why? Because I don't really want to. Sure, she's one of my best high school buddies. But who cares? We're not in high school anymore. She lives 35 miles away. I don't see her very often anyway. What am I really losing? She'll get married in the next few years and I won't be far behind her hopefully. Then what? It's not like we're gonna still be friends. Seriously. That's what marriage is, isn't it? Aren't we supposed to leave our friends behind and cling to our spouse? I'm sure I've heard that somewhere. I'll still keep Jake close to my heart, but I honestly don't expect to keep any of my female friends, so what's the difference? It's either leave her behind now or in a couple of years.
So if I'm not going to marry Kristen (which I'm not), then what's the point? Before we made out my argument would have been different, but only because I secretly wanted to roll around with her. I don't expect girls to understand, but it's almost impossible for me (and most guys?) to honestly assess my feelings for a girl until I've had my tongue in her mouth. Once I've kissed a girl for an extended period of time, then I can actually step back and dissect my feelings without the burden of horizontal curiosity. I'm constantly amazed with how much I think I like a girl until I kiss her. It's like... when our lips touch I can physically feel my interest waning. With each nibble of her ear, I think, "This is fun... but I'm not really interested in this girl."
I'm rambling. I know. Kristen called me on Friday. I let it go to voice mail... like I usually do. I heard my phone beep about two minutes after it stopped ringing. I noticed she had left me a message. I felt like I do when debt collectors call. I was tempted to delete it without listening to it like I do with my overdue bill messages. If I don't hear the message then it never existed.
I couldn't bring myself to listen to it... or delete it. So the message sat there for about two hours while I watched TV. I had a hard time focusing, though, cause I really wanted to know what Kristen had to say... but I simultaneously wanted Kristen to live in Canada.
I listened to it and it made my stomach hurt. I tried half-heartedly to figure out a way to upload her message to the blog, but then figured I'd also need to figure out a way to change her voice, so I just gave up. I will transpose the message she left in it's entirety:
"Hey Calvin. It's Kristen. I haven't heard from you in a few days. (sigh) I had the weirdest dream I wanted to tell you about. (pause) I dreamed that you were avoiding me because you felt... uncomfortable talking to me about something. In my dream, I kept telling you that you didn't need to feel stupid. I begged you to not leave me behind cause I think you were leaving or moving on in some way or something. I did everything I could think of to make sure you felt okay about whatever was bothering you. So anyway... weird dream, huh? I hope to talk to you soon, Calvin. See ya."
It was pretty obvious that Kristen didn't really have any dream... but I thought it was a creative way to get it out in the open. I'm not really interested, though. We have a lot of other things going on this summer and I'm pretty sure I'll be just fine without Kristen in my life. She is pretty awesome, though.