Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Grab Yourself

Only recently have I started to question the origins and continued use of the term "grab yourself by the balls and..." I have pictured myself having to do some courageous thing like slay a dragon or spit game in a rap-off with Eminem. I gotta say that in every instance I thought about, where I have to do anything, I only see benefits to having both of my hands free.

Of course being a soccer player I considered the "wall" players make to defend a free kick. I know that in that instance, grabbing oneself is done to protect the tender organs, and by virtue of protecting said organs one has more courage to stand there and take it. Really though, the soccer scenario involves waiting for something to happen, and not going and doing anything. This curiosity, of course, stems from what you, our readers, seem to think passes for advice in my dating endeavors regarding my nervous demeanor around attractive members of the opposite sex. (Unless I pull off a very smooth and confident encounter) It gets repeated time and time again that I should proceed to grab myself and "...just ask her out." or "...tell her how you feel." or "...kiss her."

I admit that I do envy those of you who have the courage to just do those kinds of things without fear of rejection. I do not have that luxury. Call me names. I don't mind really. Tell me how I am pathetic, weak and chicken. I'm sure that those are the kinds of things you could say that will best help me to change my ways and suddenly become calloused to the fear of rejection. Regardless, my number one fear is the fear of rejection. I am sure that it probably branches out to all aspects of my life, but it is most noticeable when interacting with women.

If you actually read this blog you might remember how I almost missed my first kiss after the mish, because I passed up on three chances before she had to basically make the move for me. Or how I had to trick Andrea into going out with me through an over complicated yet clever ruse. You might also take note that Becca, Harper, Sanders, and Daisy either kissed me first or gave me ridiculously obvious green lights. Then there is the whole Claire thing. Psh, that's the best example.

The evidence speaks for itself. I have no game. None. The situations where I shined with some level of courage were those when I was on a mission (Sanders), already dating someone (Becca, Harper), or totally into someone else (Daisy). So basically if my history means anything, unless I fall into something... I ain't getting anything. I know that I am a pansy. I know that I need to care less about getting rejected. I kick myself before, during and after every meaningful interaction with a potential female where I don't do what it seems obvious I should do.

I guess that is really the point of this whole blog though, right?

I was driving to our final day of Census training, and I still hadn't asked Shaleese out. I was thinking about how badly I needed to ask her out. I was lamenting the many missed opportunities so far. I had planned something pretty funny that I could say to ask her out, too. I was going to say something like, "It's too bad you don't wear pink more often." To which she would of course say, "Uh, I wear pink everyday, and I am wearing pink right now." My response would then be, "Oh my gosh really? I am totally color blind and hadn't realized that was pink. I find pink so attractive on girls that if I'd know that was pink, I would have asked you out by now." To which she would start giggling adorably. I would then say, "So, what do you say, a date? Are you comfortable being seen with the color blind?"

I ran the scenario through my head over and over planning for that to somehow come out.

This is what actually happened.

Shaleese was wearing this white top (love white on chicks) with a fat pink belt thingy. So far so good.
JAKE: Cute shirt. You ever think about incorporating more pink into your wardrobe?
SHALEESE: (laughter) Uh, yeah, like, I don't really like pink. It's sooooo pop diva.

Uh oh. She was being sarcastic. It was totally in character for her, but somehow I didn't plan on it.

JAKE: Well, that's too bad. Too too bad.
JAKE: Because pink is awesome.
SHALEESE: Yeah well, wait oh look! (she looks down at her belt) Somehow I ended up with a pink belt. Weird, but hey, it's pink.

Phew, back on track. Now things were going according to my plan. She had set up my whole "color blind angle" perfectly.

JAKE: Wha- well I guess that makes you awesome.
SHALEESE: Yes, it does. I mean I already knew that, but I'm glad you realize it. (she looks at the lady across the isle from her) Jake says I'm awesome.
JAKE: ...yep, awesome...

I paused for a long enough time that Shaleese changed the subject... I never got another opportunity.

What happened???

Well, while she was looking at her belt, I got nervous. Really nervous. I started to doubt my script. I thought, "How cheesy, she'll see right through it and think it's retarded". When I say "nervous" I am talking about an actual tangible feeling. My chest cramps up and I can feel something in my neck getting tense, kind of like all the muscles in my neck are flexing simultaneously without actually flexing at all. My mind called "abort, abort". For a moment, I thought about improvising some "save", and I even thought about just saying, "We should go out" but with each modification I considered, that knotting feeling intensified. I chickened out.

I was frantically trying to talk myself into figuring out something else before the end of training that day. I even entertained actually physically grabbing myself by the balls to see if that would do something. Anything.

Training ended and everyone was saying their goodbyes and what not. I was standing about four feet away from Shaleese. She finished saying goodbye to one lady and turned and saw me. I didn't have anything planned, I started feeling that same feeling and realized that I wasn't going to do anything. She jumped with both feet and landed right in front of me with one hand outstretched. I said, "Whoa, that was athletic." She ignored me and as she vigorously shook my hand she said, "I was really pretty nice to you through all this. I think you owe me dinner."



Erika said...

For someone who waits for things to fall in your lap you do pretty well. I am the same nervous as you and fear rejection but it doesn't work out as well for me;)

Consider yourself blessed.


brooke said...

dude...thank goodness one of you will have the juevos in this relationship! and this gal's seem pretty large i like her!

Maggles said...

Go, Shaleese. I like her. I'm sure it makes your day to know that.

c a n d a c e said...

Yessssss .... she fell into your lap. So to speak.

Erin said...

HAhahaha. She has more balls than you doooooo.

singlemormonchick said...

that whole color blind thing was adorable-you should have followed through. would have made for an excellent story(or post)and bragging rights,but now you just have another lame example of your fear and laziness ultimately winning out and you STILL getting what you wanted-a date with a cute girl.

Abi said...

I don't know how you did it, but you did. You ended up with a date by doing nothing!
And good for her! I'm glad she took initiative!
Have fun on your dinner date :)

Crystal said...

Word to Erica.

Things just seem to fall into your lap. It kind of makes me want to punch you. But that's just jealousy so...good job?

Karli said...

HAHA. That's awesome. I wonder how dinner will go... :)

Jade said...

Jake you should of literally grabbed yourself and then asked her out while doing that :) if a guy did that and asked me out, he'd be guaranteed to get a date out of me.

But looks like you have Lady Luck on your side when it comes to your dating adventures and girls just falling into your lap, so way to go, hope your dinner date goes well!

Tara said...

I love this. These are the kinds of posts that prove to me that this blog is real. It has to be, its to random to be made up.

Anonymous said...

Growing up my parents taught me "balls" was a naughty word.

Maybe it's not the best thing to broadcast under the name Mormon.

Ever consider changing the title?

Joan said...

I hate hate hate HATE HATE HATE HATE guys like you!

Be a man.

Anonymous said...

Um... you are lame.

This blog is so lame.

I hate you and your friends.

Prick said...

He said balls!

hater said...

Uuuuummmm nobody ever said to grab yourself by the balls and ask her out. Most commenters just said to grow a pair and ask her out. There's a big difference.

Tara -I'm pretty sure your profile is fake and probably made up by jake or calvin to try and convince people that this blog is real.

Brittney said...

Go Jake!

If this is how it keeps happening for you then I say you go with it.

Obviously you have some charm that is getting these girls to go against the grain and make the move.

Genny said...

Dumbest post yet.

This blog is the perfect example of why Men are worthless pigs.

Prick said...

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Hater you are a tool.

Tara said...


LOL! Do we need to be facebook friends for you to believe?

Come to think of it, you're probably Jake and Calvin. Trying to start fights with random people to try and get more comments.

If not, your stalker obsession is a little ridiculous.

Matt said...

I have said it before and I will say it again. You should have grabbed yourself by the balls and asked this girl out.

Your soccer analogy worked perfectly here. You had a plan, a funny, charming, direct plan to ask her out. All you had to do was hold on to your balls and wait for her to kick the bal;l at you.

She kicked the ball all right, and instead of carrying out your plan, you let go of your balls and curled up into the fetal position.

Grab yourself Jake, by the balls! Geez...

Good story telling though. :)

Blazzer said...

I'm with Britney on this one. There must be something about you that makes these girls act uncharacteristically.

I spent years with the nervousness you describe. I have had this exact experiance many times. However in my case, the girl would not approach me and leave the room never to be seen again.

Eventually I had to "grab myself" to get my wife. Perhaps you will be able to skate by with things just falling into your lap.



she seems fun..... said...

You seem to like argumentative and cocky girls. Then you are submissive until you know it might be over, then you pick a fight because you know they won't back down. I smell an argument in the future. I guess it is better than breaking up the way SOME people (cough cough Calvin cough) do.

Kayde said...

I am glad this was posted now and not in two months, loved it. Nice job not following by example.

irony said...

It's funny how you have to rely on the girls to always initiate the relationship with you because you are so afraid of rejection.

And in the end you are the one that rejects them.

vote for hater said...

Hater is the best thing about this blog.

Ever notice how tara and prick comment around the same time?

Someone who posts a billion comments under different fake names before it's even noon is a stalker, and probably the same person.

Tara said...

I've noticed today how Prick and I have made comments around the same time, I guess that means we're the same person too.

I also remember when Someone made that accusation towards you Hater. I like how you are voting for yourself... Or do you actually believe that everyone thinks someone is on here backing you up?

How hard was it to wait so it didn't seem as obvious?

PS: When did 2 = a billion?


Rachel Nell said...

You know, there are a lot of girls who prefer guys who get nervous trying to ask girls out over guys who are cocky and think they can get whatever they want. Nervousness makes you human. Cockiness just makes you obnoxious.

Anonymous said...

I think wimpin' out is working for you, that way you can tell what girls actually like you enough to ask you out... you won't be wasting your time or money on somebody else's future wife! :]

adri. said...

I'm not sure how you stumbled across my blog, but thank you for following! I'm definitely gonna follow you back, you're blog makes me laugh. I know it's not really supposed to be funny, because it's actual things happening in your life, but.. it's funny :) Haha. I also have the fear of being rejected. But.. then I started to think of rejection as just one little obstacle. I never ever ask boys for their numbers, but a few weeks ago I totally decided I would. I said to my friend "What's the worst that can happen? He'll reject me? Then i'll move on." And it totally worked :)

Anonymous said...

this blog sucks balls.

and so does prick.

Christin said...

This post is one of the things that I like about this blog. I think that if girls were smart they would realize that it is hard for guys to ask girls out and do something to make it easier instead of trying to cut off the balls you are so desperately trying holding onto.

Connor Schone said...

I love all the anonymous posters.... maybe you should all "grab yourselves by the balls" and post using a name? Also, why hate on the blog? It's not like anyone is forcing you to read!

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

I'm with Blazzer!

What makes you so amazing that girls practically force themselves on you without you making a move? I wish I could learn that trick.

I think guys asking the girls out originated from some mating ritual where the male had to prove he could swallow his manly, inborn pride to court a lady. You know if it went the other way there would probably be much less stress, I mean, look how easy it was in this situation.

Prick said...

I do, I love to suck on Gobstoppers(balls), Atomic Fireballs (balls), I especially love to suck on Whoppers(balls) then when the chocolate is gone I like crunching them balls.

New Reader said...

Jake, I just have to say, your cheese is disgusting. Just because a girl is laughing, doesn't mean it's good. It probably means that she is weirded out by your over the top conversation. The color blind think was gross, I'm glad you didn't do it. Really glad. All other conversations you post on this blog make me cringe a little. I'm not trying to be a hater, I think this blog is pretty funny. But you shouldn't try so hard. Like be more natural. If you are naturally cheesy, I guess you can't help it, but scripting out cheese and practicing it doesn't help. What is so wrong with, "Shaleese, I really think you are cute and fun, would you like to go out for dinner with me?" I think most girls would find that refreshing and hot, because it screams confident, smooth and classy. Is that really so much harder than, "Oh my gosh, really? I am totally color blind and hadn't realized that was pink. I find pink so attractive on girls that if I'd known that was pink, I would have asked you out by now" and I could go on but I will leave it at that.

Autumn said...

Jake! c'mon bro! What is the deal?!? Since you didn't ask her out, I say you make the first move on your date if she seems up for it. What do you say?

Heather Guymon said...

Too funny. Don't feel bad. Everyone suffers from fear of rejection. If they don't they arent worth being around in my opinion.

Anonymous said...

I have to admit, first I was annoyed with you for being such a coward; but then, when you started describing the actual physical pain of your nervousness... it was a little bit endearing. It's sort of like the guy who blushes... it means he's a sensitive guy, and he really cares deeply about things.

So this is all good and fine, but only IF you really do care, and you're going to treat this girl with that deep care I'm hoping you really do have. :)